The League of Evil Exes

(No, I didn't die or get sucked into a vortex.... I GOT ENGAGED!!  I also got a job where writing is 83.5% of my day, so it's like a chef that doesn't quite feel like cooking gourmet meals for herself at home.  But, more about that later.....I hope.)

I had a rather awkward experience at my daughter's basketball game today.  I was sitting on the bleachers with my fiance, minding our own business, when in walks my ex-husband with his baby momma and proceeds to walk all the way down to where we were sitting.  Then around half time, in walks his ex (let's call her First Ex), with whom he cheated on with and had a baby with Baby Momma, and she too proceeds to come all the way down to the end of the bleachers and sit right next to me.  She was the first relationship he had right after our divorce and they dated for a few years, so she is very close to my children (thus why she was even at the game).  She and I are friendly towards each other; our daughters are about the same age and are sisterly toward each other, and I'm not the one to unnecessarily burn bridges, so I guess you could say we are cool.  Baby Momma, on the other hand, HATES this particular ex, and pretty much hates me because she felt like I was taking her and my ex-husband's "side" when they were going through all their back and forth issues.  Um, I had nothing to do with any of that, despite the fact that Baby Momma tried to drag me into it against my will.

So here I am, wedged between First Ex and Ex-Husband and Baby Momma.  Aw-kw-ard.  And of course I'm talking to First Ex, because like I said, we are cool, and she's sitting right next to me.  But understanding human nature, I know she still had some bitterness leftover toward the Baby Momma situation, and by her sitting there being friendly with me, I know that also probably brought up some negativity in Baby Momma since she accused me (and my then 12 year old child) of taking sides against her.  Not that I allowed it to change my behavior-- after all, I am happily engaged to the man who I believe I was supposed to be spending my life with-- but I started to get a very pawn-like feeling as I sat there and watched my now almost 15 year old play basketball.

 I don't to be a part of The League of Evil Exes

One of my most favorite movies is Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.  If you haven't seen this fantastically odd piece of movie goodness (which I have seen at least 100 times), basically it's about a guy who has to fight and defeat, video game style, his girlfriend's Seven Evil Exes in order to have a relationship with her.  The seven exes have formed a "league" that has agreed to fight Scott.   As art often imitates life, I have seen time and time again where the exes of a guy will later become friends, whether or not its for the purpose of engaging in "He ain't shit!" sessions or just because they have something in common.  Either way, that's just not my style. Not only do I not want to be out here fighting my ex-husband's current girlfriend, I also have zero desire to form my own League of Evil Exes.

Over the past 6 years, I've been friendly toward my ex-husband's girlfriends, just because there's really no reason not to be, but I was never interested in becoming BFFs with them when they broke up and/or get together to talk shit about him.  Baby Momma tried that with me when she broke up with my ex-husband the first (second?) time, and I wasn't having it.  There is no need for us to become close friends premised solely on the fact that we used to date the same person and now realize the error of our ways.  First Ex and I have more in common than just my ex-husband both professionally and personally, so I don't have a problem being social with her, but we never talk about him.  Now, his most recent girlfriend (whom he kicked out of his house around the holidays and then promptly got back with Baby Momma), we really have nothing in common.  Again, we were cordial toward each other, but there is really no reason for me to be friends with her after the fact.

I really hope I was reading more into that situation today than what it was, because I don't like feeling like a pawn in the game of emotional chess.  But whether it was intentional or not, that's how I felt.  Other women may bond with their ex's exes, but personally I want no part of the League of Evil Exes.

We can't be friends

Well, I tried. Tried being the bigger person, tried to be friendly, tried to make the adjustment to this newest Adventure in Divorce as easy as possible, but it ended up blowing up in my face. I made the grave mistake of attempting to be friendly to Baby Momma #2.

A few weeks ago I read a blog post about how befriending your ex’s new woman and/or ex is a really bad idea. I admit the post had some very valid points which I filed away in my mental filing cabinet. However, also stored in my mental filing cabinet were points made on one of my favorite divorce/blended family websites, Today’s Modern Family, where the ladies have talked about how being friendly toward your ex’s new mate is an ideal situation for the children because there is less tension and animosity that they have to deal with. Being the sucker nice person I am, I opted for the second route while still being mindful of the pitfalls of the first.

At the time it seemed like The Ex was trying to make a go at having a relationship with Baby Momma #2 (hereinafter BM 2.0). She was always around, there were Master Lab photos of them with Lil Meech on Facebook, and for all intents and purposes they looked like a couple and it seemed she was not going anywhere any time soon. So when she would come to Son’s football games with Lil Meech I would say hi, come over and play with the baby, and even sit with her when The Ex ditched her to go watch the game with the other football parents (because I hated when he used to do that to me). We never really talked much, just basic chit chat pleasantries. I mainly just didn’t want Mini-Me to have to run from one end of the stands to the other in order to spend time with me and her baby brother, and admittedly I wanted to play with the baby. I even bought Lil Meech a handmade bear hat, partly as a peace offering and partly to support my friend’s business, Issaino (she makes great custom handmade crochet items), and partly because I believe every baby should have one of those bear hats.

It was actually the bear hat that kicked off my descent into the mouth of madness. I was at a football game and BM 2.0 wanted to share a picture of Lil Meech in the bear hat with me, so I gave her my number so she could send it via picture mail. No big deal. I had no intentions of every calling her or otherwise hearing from her. (Mistake #1) Then I few weeks later I get a text from her out of the blue with her asking if she could send me a friend request on Facebook, which I was a wee bit wary of but because of my stance on Facebook I figured it couldn’t hurt. The texts then lead to a conversation where she is telling me all about how badly his ex-girlfriend (the one she ousted) talks about her and the baby, and then about how the ex-girlfriend has talked badly about me, and so on and so forth. I didn’t really give much by way of info and kept my responses pretty basic, but I should have never entertained that conversation in the first place. (Mistake #2)

It is well known that all good things must come to an end, and all bad things come to an end even sooner. Long story short, she and The Ex get into it, something to do with him talking to and supposedly getting back with his ousted ex-girlfriend, BM 2.0 getting stuck here in town after her car got wrecked and staying with The Ex, and a whole lot of other dramatic antics that I had to hear about from Mini-Me and my own dad (yea, don’t ask). I then started noticing a form of female “reindeer games” on Facebook that I have termed “pissing on people’s pages” similar to how animals mark their territory. She would comment on pictures I had of the kids and Lil Meech with how much of a daddy’s boy he was and how his daddy loves him, then would tag Mini-Me on pictures of the baby and The Ex talking about how much she loved the two of them, then left comments on Mini-Me’s page and The Ex’s mother’s page about us seeing the baby, even mentioning that I had come over to visit (I was picking up Mini-Me and stopped in for 15 minutes, 10 of which was spent trying to console Mini-Me because BM 2.0 and The Ex had been fighting). The tactic was so transparent: she was obviously trying to get to the ex-girlfriend via her friends, i.e. my daughter and The Ex’s mother.*

(*For those not well versed in how Facebook works, when a person is tagged in a photo it shows up in their friends’ news feeds, even if they are not friends with the person who posted the photo. So, using the situation above, BM 2.0 takes a photo of Lil Meech and The Ex sleeping and notes in the caption that it’s 10am on a Wednesday and tags Mini-Me in said photo, even though she is nowhere in sight. The photo shows up in Mini-Me’s friends’ timelines (which includes the ex-girlfriend) and when viewed conveys a myriad of information: 1) BM 2.0 is in town, at The Ex’s place during the week when she should be at home in the next state; 2) How much she just LOVES the both of them and how much she LOVES taking care of them; and 3) A reminder slap in the face that he has a new baby with another woman in the first place. A similar marking of territory occurs with wall posts. Yes, Facebook was designed by the devil’s mistress.)

I was starting to get a bit annoyed by the use of my daughter’s Facebook account as a means of throwing jabs at the ex-girlfriend, but I figured I would just monitor the situation and say something to The Ex if necessary. But then BM 2.0 crossed all the way over the line, set up camp and posted a flag in my shit. First I get a text asking if my mother could get BM 2.0 a ticket to go to The Ex’s grandmother’s funeral….not from The Ex, but from BM 2.0 herself (I’m almost positive that The Ex had NO intention of her going). I called my mother to ask her about it and that’s when I got the earful about the insane events between BM 2.0 and The Ex that week that had Mini-Me so upset. Then the next day I get a text from her telling me things between her and The Ex were over and that he was going back to the ex-girlfriend, and I responded by wishing her the best and conveyed Mini-Me’s concerns about seeing her baby brother. That’s when things started getting messy and ugly. She starts telling me about all these “secrets” about our marriage and divorce that The Ex supposedly told her in confidence, the coup de grace being that he had slept with my (former) BFF of 10 years in high school and he had never told ANYONE about it. She acted as if she was doing me a favor by sharing all this info with me, but she did not appreciate how truly reckless and hurtful these lies were because she did not know the whole history of that situation, but needless to say I was LIVID. It ripped open some old wounds from my marriage that I had already healed over and I had done my best to forget about. I lost it (textually…. at work I was outwardly calm) and ended up in a triangular text battle with her and The Ex all morning, basically telling them to leave me the fuck alone and out of their mess. I did not know who was lying or who was telling the truth so I was just mad at everyone (kind of like how your mom gave you and all your siblings a whooping when nobody would fess up). All I knew was that I was fed up and angry at being used as a pawn, angry that my children had to be subject to the stress of their fighting and not knowing if or when they would see their brother again, and angry over getting dragged into their mess, a mess that The Ex created with his utter carelessness and inability to manage his own life.

After I had calmed down, I realized that this woman was just using me as a pawn because she was mad at The Ex and wanted me to be mad at him, too. She wanted an ally, someone who hated him just as much as she did (at that moment in time). Because it was Shark Week (i.e. PMS time) I let my emotions get the best of me and let myself get dragged into it. (Mistake #3) I later got some info from the kids that let me know I needed to stay far, far away from The Ex’s mess with this woman. After that I took her and her daughter off my Facebook friend list so that I could go back my arm’s length dealings with her, civil and cordial but that is it. I got a text from her after that about taking her off my friends’ list and her accusing me of never being on her “side” to which I had to respond that this was never about sides and I was not friendly toward her just to be able to engage in ex bashing sessions, that it was always about the kids. I have not heard from her since.

I am really not sure what to take away from all this besides reinforcement of the notion of being more cautious of people. I am a person who tries not to involve innocent people (and especially innocent children) in my problems and use them as pawns, so I sometimes take for granted that others are not so considerate and often have agendas that are not in my best interest, even when the agenda really has nothing to do with me. I was really trying to be a decent Baby Momma #1 ex-wife, not one of those nightmare exes that people talk shit about, but rather one that has moved on with her life and does not feel the need to reach back and make people’s lives hell. I tried being nice, tried being supportive, tried to not be a hindrance to a relationship between my kids and their baby brother and it came back to bite me in the arse.  I feel like she took advantage of my kindness and attempted to use it as leverage against The Ex. I am not one to be used, and I certainly will not allow my children to be used. *momma bear roar*

I really hope BM 2.0 can work something out with The Ex so that he and the kids can have a relationship with Lil Meech, but based on what I have heard and experienced in these past few days, unfortunately I am not very hopeful that she will be mature enough to put her differences aside and put the kids’ interests first (after all, she left her other kids behind in the next state to chase after a man who obviously does not want her). I told her I hope we can be civil and cordial and that Lil Meech is always welcome to visit his sister and brother while with me, but that I had to protect my emotional well being by distancing myself from her and her drama with The Ex. Ultimately, I have to accept that facilitating a relationship between the kids is not my responsibility. I cannot control the actions of two adults who cannot sort things out between themselves. We can be civil, but obviously we can’t be friends.

It's all Family (a Recant)

So it's been 2 months now since my children and I learned about the birth their new (half) sibling, whom I affectionately refer to as "Little Meech".  The kids seem to be adjusting to the idea pretty well, and even Son has gotten over his initial pissedoffedness and reportedly gave the little baby his speech about where he falls in the sibling pecking order (of course, Son is in charge).  I see pictures on their cell phone backgrounds of this chunky little baby that looks almost, but not quite, exactly like my Son as a baby, but that's been about it.

Sunday, however, I finally got to meet the infamous Little Meech.

And he's SO CUTE!!

Baby Momma #2 stopped by my parents' house to pick up Son to go back to his dad's and (probably at Daughter's insistence) she brought Little Meech in, though "little" is a bit of a misnomer because the child is huge.  Two months old and already looks like pictures of Son when he was almost 5 months old (and Son was no small baby himself).  I can save The Ex about $200 and/or an embarassing trip to Maury and declare that is definitely his second son.  He looks just enough like my son that holding him and snuggling him to my chest took me back 16 years-- just a little.  It was so cute to see Son poke his tiny nose and him bust out a big toothless grin at his big brother, and to see Mini-Me cradling him with a bottle.  I mean, who can not love seeing a baby?

Now I know I have poked fun at the situation, nicknaming the child Little Meech based upon a photo where he was covered in money and gold chains (and the fact that more than one person has pointed out his father's uncanny resemblance to Rick Ross).  Yes, I know this.  We all have our moments pettiness, but the difference with me is that I'm woman enough to admit it and admit when a change is needed.  However, Little Meech is just going to be my nickname for him, period, and I have no problem telling anyone why, same as telling Son why he was called Stinky or why my beau's son was called Boo Boo or why Mini-Me was Stealthy Kitten.  Kids have embarassing nicknames.  It happens.  And that photo is still ridiculous as hell (and will make for great blackmail material by his family in years to come).

Now, what I am also woman enough to admit is that I must recant and re-adjust with my thoughts about Baby Momma #2.  As I've stated before, overall I have never had a problem with the woman aside from quasi-jacking my son's name, which I thought was a little odd, but names that start with the letter Q are pretty cool.  Then there was the incident where I was told that she called The Ex's job supposedly about my children being at the hospital, which I later found out wasn't even true.  But it was something about seeing that innocent little baby that made me stop to realize that she is just as much subject to The Ex's tomfoolery and life mishandling as I am, and that having a hostile attitude toward Little Meech and his mother was just stupid.  I got accused of acting fake, but really it was moreso a realization that I was tired of holding onto unfounded hostility and deciding that a mental shift was necessary.

I stopped and thought about how The Ex has painted me to others as some crazy, maladjusted bitch and how that is far from the truth (maybe a little weird and misunderstood, but not crazy) and then compared that to how he has tried to paint her as crazy as well.  That's his modus operandi-- "it's not my fault, it's everyone else's fault."  His ex-girlfriend said something interesting to me shortly after they broke up (i.e. shortly after Little Meech was born) about how there were unnecessary hard feelings created between us based upon things that The Ex did and said.  And now I smack my own forehead for being led down that same road by him with Baby Momma #2.  The situation was admittedly fucked up and handled poorly, but that's moreso The Ex's doings and not hers, and it's also just life.  Life is messy and fucked up, and the best of us get caught up in it.  I'll give you a pass if you give me a pass, m'kay?

Actually seeing the baby and seeing my children interact with their brother made me realize that I have been holding onto some frustration and bitterness that is spilling over into the wrong areas of life.  Yes, I can be mad at The Ex for not being where he says he's going to be, or changing plans last minute, or calling me out of my name whenever things don't go his way and I don't acquiesse to his whims.  But I should not make my feelings and attitudes towards Little Meech and his mother an extension of that anger.  Though one could say that they are of no concern to me and my life, but the fact is that they are.  Little Meech is my children's blood relative, so in a roundabout once removed way, he is also related to me.  He is always going to be around any time my kids do something where their siblings ought to be present.  I used to work with a guy who would tell me about holidays with his family where everyone-- step-siblings, half-siblings, ex's and new spouses-- would all get together so nobody had to choose who to be with.  It was just family. 

This is not to say that I am going to strike up a friendship with Baby Mommy #2 and rally against the forces of evil be BFFs.  No, I'm not the type to sit around and talk shit with the other baby momma about The Ex-- that's so cliche, and extremely basic.  But will I do my part to make sure Little Meech has as much involvement with my kids as possible? Yes.  Because I don't want them to feel like they have to choose.  It's all family.

Leave me out of it

In the midst of starting riots on Twitter today with my discussions regarding whether having a baby is an effective (though not very efficient or long lasting) means of getting a man to the altar, I get a phone call from The Ex:

Ex:  Have you talked to your mom today?

Me: No.....

Ex: Ok, well have you talked to Daughter today?

Me: Um, no..... why? *confused look*

Ex: So as far as you know she's still in school?

Me: ....... uh, yea..... *starting to worry*

Ex: Ok then.  Lies... just lies......

Me: What the hell is going on??

Ex: Oh I just got a message from [New Baby Momma] saying that Daughter was at the hospital with my ex-mother-in-law and son.  Never mind, she's playing games.

Me:  Um.... ok.......

This little dialogue left me scratching my head wondering...... my mother is notorious for not telling people bad news, but if it's something with my kids she would have been blowing my phone up.  Plus the fact that I would have received a call from the school.  So I called him back to clarify whether she may have been talking about Little Meech (their son) and her ex-mother-in-law (I don't know if she has one though) at the hospital with her daughter, and he says no, the message specifically said our daughter's name.  Apparently ole girl called his job, left a message, then called him on his cell and said "check your messages" and hung up.

This would all make for just another amusing antidote to my otherwise dull day except for one thing: She's involving my children, which necessarily involves me.  Had she chosen any other subject to lie on, I would have never known and my day could have gone along it's smooth and merry way, and I could have continued to stir up drama on Twitter with my inquires on what actually gets men to the altar.  But her stupid games caused me to have to worry about the well-being of my children and question the courtesy and sanity of my mother.

Thus far I have taken a neutral stance when it comes to this woman.  She is, plain and simply, not my problem.  Slight amusement, yes; problem, no.  Today's tomfoolery, however, has that once neutral balance tipping in a negative direction.  Apparently this woman did not think (or care) that if she causes some panic in The Ex based on a lie she told about our kids that it would also cause the same level of concern with me.  I become collateral damage in their little battle over goodness knows what and who cares.  That is where I draw the line.  They can play the cliche Baby Momma/Baby Daddy war games, but the second that my children and/or I get drawn into it, there will be problems.  This whole scenario has the makings of very bad business, and I want no parts of it.  I certainly hope he checks her on this and this is the first and last time I have to be involved in their new-age ghetto mess.  But if not..... well, we'll see where that adventure goes.

******************************************************************

UPDATE:  As it turns out, and I should have known, The Ex had it all wrong.  I should have went with my first mind and said "wait, that doesn't sound right" but I'd asked and second guessed, and he insisted that Baby Momma #2 was playing games.  He got the message all wrong, but instead of confirming first he called me and got me involved.  Hot messery.... leave me out of it.

Karma is a bitch.... with child

Ok, I think I'm finally ready to write about this.

I know that the frequency of my "adventures" have decreased dramatically, which is a good thing for me (but not so good when maintaining a blog about Adventures in Divorce). However, my ex-husband always manages to keep the party live and send me on brand new adventures, whether I care to go or not.

So a few weeks ago, The Ex texts me on a random Tuesday and tells me that I must go pick up the kids immediately, that he's had to leave town and they are home by themselves. No explanation aside from "I have an emergency out of town" which would be plausible had he actually traveled to the west coast where his family lives, not the next state over. Then he tells me he'll be back "in a few days, maybe by Friday". I ask Son what's going on and he says his dad needed to go out of town "for work or something". Needless to say, I was a little pissed because I had no way to plan for the kids being around (i.e. food in the house, logistical coordination for practices and activities, etc.) however, at that point I had no choice but to go get my children, and he knew that which is why he did it.

Friday rolls around and because I was planning to go out of town that evening, I sent The Ex a text to confirm that he would be back that afternoon to get the kids. His response: "I'll be back Sunday night." Can you say R-A-G-E?? I launched a text assault the likes of which have not been seen since AD 2007. I told him he was inconsiderate, un-trustworthy, and to at least give me the same level of courtesy that he would give someone on the street. I didn't even wait for responses, I had to get all that out because I was sick of being bullied and punked by him because he knew I would not do wrong by my kids. Oddly, though, all he kept saying was "Sorry, I had an emergency" which is VERY uncharacteristic of him. Then all the sudden he calls me and says he has to tell me what's going on, and this is what he says:

"I have another kid."

I burst out laughing. Not as loud and hearty as I wanted to because I was at work, but I guarantee the people in the office on the other side of the hallway door heard me. My initial laughter came from the fact that not 10 minutes earlier I had jokingly tweeted that I suspected the reason he had to rush out of town so abruptly-- and had forewarned me that he would need to do so at the beginning of the summer -- was that he'd knocked some side chick up and had to rush to see the baby born. I was dead on; turns out he got a chick pregnant that he was fooling around with during a "break up" with his main boo, who coincidentally and inexplicably I had the occasion to meet (Sidenote: his boo thang of 3 years couldn't have kids, which was specifically a reason he told me he got with her in the first place so he wouldn't have to worry about that). My second wave of laughter came from the sheer absurdity of the fact that he didn't tell our kids (or anyone else aside from his momma and his BFF) ahead of time. I mean, who does that?? And how old are we??? One of my Twitter friends summed it up best: "That was mighty hood of him." And my most prevalent reason for my outburst was gratitude for Karma coming in and delivering a better payback for all his BS antics toward me than I could ever imagine or pull off myself. Forget keying his crappy car or kicking over his motorcycle, the Universe did it 1000 times better. Karma is a bitch.... with child.

If you've been following this blog for awhile, you know some of what I am talking about..... fighting my friends, spray painting my car, being inconsiderate with pick ups and drop offs, regularly calling me out of my name, and a myriad of other bitchassed behaviors that any other XY who calls himself a man would be embarrassed to even think about. But what stuck out to me the most was an incident last year at Son's football fundraiser where he thought I said I was pregnant (and I felt no need or desire to correct is erroneous assumptions simply because I knew it would piss him off) and hurled all kinds of horrible insults at me via text about how irresponsible and stupid I was, and almost got into a fight with my beau right there in the bingo hall. Just foolishness. Who's the irresponsible one now, huh??

Some of my friends have asked how I feel about this whole situation, thinking that maybe I would be upset that he's "moved on" or that he has a child with someone other than me. Please.  I could care less.  Aside from the Maury-like curiosity factor and the fact that how can you not like a baby (especially one that looks uncannily similar to your first born).  Hopefully this will help him move on and stop using our old joint e-mail address with my initials and our anniversary date. I just hope that he steps up and takes care of this child and is around for my children's sake, so that they can have a relationship with their younger brother (I am very big on treating step-siblings like whole siblings). Daughter is ecstatic already, but Son is still upset about it (and for good reason..... we're telling him to be safe and careful when it comes to sex, and his dad goes out and does the exact opposite?? Way to lead by example, Dad). I bear no ill will against this woman, or this innocent baby (despite calling him Little Meech because his name is extremely similar to my Son's name). I will do nothing to discourage the relationship between my kids and their new sibling. I'm actually glad I didn't have to be the one to introduce the concept of a new sibling to my kids. If I have any more children, this issue will be old hat to them.

So congrats to The Ex on the new addition to his, um, family.... on acquiring a Baby Momma #2 and becoming a Baby Daddy once again.  My condolences to him on losing his cougar and now having to continue to have her as a boss after getting another woman pregnant.  And best wishes actually having to deal with the child support and state guideline visitation system (which he does not have to deal with from me). Maybe he'll appreciate me more, who knows.

Yes, loved ones, this particular adventure has just begun......

Tick......Tock........

When I was younger, I never really understood the big deal behind the biological clock.  Why were these late 20 and 30-something chicks all up in a tither about having kids?  I mean, it'll happen when it happens (as everything happens just as it should), right?  Modern medical technology makes age less of a concern, no?  And it always seems like folks are getting pregnant by accident all the damn time anyway, so just chill out.....

Then I turned 31.

At 30, I still wasn't too concerned about the issue.  Granted, my son will be in college in 2 years and my daughter will be in high school in 3, but thanks to this effed up road I've taken in my life those factors still didn't outweigh the fact that I am still a relatively young women, and the vast majority of women in my circle-- including both my sisters-- had kids in their 30's or have yet to even have children.  So realistically, I'm comfortably within the norm.

However, as I'm rounding the bend and heading toward my 32nd birthday this summer, I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried just a little bit.  Ok, maybe quite a bit.  I'm remembering how much trouble and discomfort I had with my daughter when I was only 21..... I developed high blood pressure, had constant excruciating headaches, and had to go for extra tests and screenings (including carrying around a jug I had to pee in for 24 hours... ugh) to make sure I didn't develop preeclampsia, a potentially life threatening condition.  Fast forward 10 years, when generally you start to notice that you don't have as much energy and "snap back" as you used to, combined with the fact that I still have blood pressure issues..... it has me hearing the tick, tock, tick of that bio clock myself.

Aside from the health issues, I also have a number of situational factors that cause me concern.  First, as mentioned, I have a SERIOUS age gap issue with my existing kids, though toting a diaper bag to my son's freshman orientation is not as serious of a concern, particularly considering how early I started.  The bigger concern, however, is relationship timing.  I at least am over the first hurdle..... I do have a beau, I love him dearly, and I could see us together for the long haul.  But I want to be married before I have anymore kids.... do it "right" at least one time out of three.  However, he plans on going to grad school soon.  So take my age this year (32) add on 3 years for a master's program, and that puts me at 35, the magic age when pregnancies officially become "high risk".  Yes, both of our mothers had kids past the age of 35 who are perfectly fine.  But I am not looking forward to the major bodily ass whooping that pregnancy is going to increasingly lay on me as the years go on. 

I don't want to put any pressure on him or give him any kind of "ultimatums" (which I hate), but facts are facts, worries are worries, concerns are concerns, reality is reality.  He tells me it'll happen when it's supposed to happen..... no, it'll happen when I decide it's gonna happen due to a little thing called an I.U.D. that has to be removed before any show can get on the road.  There's no "Oops!  I guess this was just supposed to happen now!" possibility going on here.  My womb is protected like Brinks. 

I told myself that 35 was my cut off, that after that I'd just have to be happy with my two wonderful children and that there'd be no more womb fresh babies for me.  I know this is something for which I have no choice but to wait and see what happens, and whatever happens I'll just have to accept it.  But, like many, many, many realizations in my life, now that I'm in the situation I see the dilemma and hear that clock.

Family Smoothies

This past weekend I took my first "blended family" vacation.... a weekend trip to Washington D.C. to visit one of my BFFs. Actually it was more than just blended families.... it was a veritable family smoothie. I think we had every family scenario represented on this trip. Here's the rundown:

1. The Divorcee (i.e. Me) - I took my two kids, Son who is (almost) 15 and Daughter who is 10. I was married to their dad for 8 years, now divorced for 1.

2. The Single Dad - My beau has a son who is (almost) 8 who lives about three hours away. He's never been married, and he and his son's mother haven't been together since his son was a baby. We scooped him up on our way out to DC (even though it wasn't his weekend.... after much finagling and last minute kimfoolery on the part of BabyMomma, we were able to take him).

3. The Widower - My BFF's "partner" (but yes, he is a man.... she just hates the term "boyfriend" so we are stuck with this ill fitting and misleading label.... but forget labels, that's her love) is a widower. His wife died about 2 years ago and he is raising his two boys, ages 7 and 9. His deceased wife also had an older daughter, but she left to go live with other family after her mother died.

4. The Childless Single - My BFF has never been married and doesn't have any children of her own (much kudos to her). However, she has fully integrated herself into the boys' lives. She isn't sure if she wants any of her own biological kids (tho I think she's lying), but plays the mommy role better than I do (despite her protests that she doesn't know what she's doing).

5. The Foster Dad - We were able to (very) briefly meet up with a mutual friend and law school classmate of mine and my BFF who is currently a foster parent. He's divorced and has no children of his own, but last year he took in two boys, age 16 and 17 (which I TRULY commend.... how many single men do you know would take in damn-near-grown boys out of the foster system??).

I think the weekend went really well, despite trying to cram way to much into way too little time and trying to herd around 5 kids all over DC. The Cherry Blossom Festival was going on so it was a little crazy, but we managed to make it to the Japanese Cherry Blossom Street Fesitval, the National Museum of Natural History, saw a few monuments and landmarks (White House, WWII memorial, Washington Monument, etc.) and went to the Zoo. And because my Son came along, the adults were able to get out for some grown up fun at Lotus Saturday night..... all he wanted was to have his Xbox hooked up to the internet and he was good. All the kids got along wonderfully, and even Son, who is MUCH older than the other kids, had a good attitude and had a good time (I think).

Families come in all forms, shapes, sizes and make ups. Of course, the "ideal" is to have two people get married, have kids, raise them together and stay married til death do us part, but it doesn't always work out that way. And despite what The Ex may say on the subject, I think it's possible to have a loving family unit after divorce, single parenthood, or widowhood. It may take a little more effort (but what relationship DOESN'T take effort?) and a little more patience, but it is definitely a legitimate form of family. Forget form over substance.... what's important is love and how YOU choose to define "family".































(For an excellent resource on blended families, check out Blended Family Soap Opera. They also have a recent post about blended family vacations, and sometimes they feature my musings on the subject of divorce and parenting. You should check it out.)

My son doesn't have WHAT???

I am so livid right now.... I just talked to Son, and my mommy sense was telling me something was wrong. Turns out he has been sleeping on the FLOOR at The Ex's "girl"friend's house for the past several MONTHS!!! WTF??? This woman is 42 years old, supposedly a "pillar of the community" (let him tell it) who is oh so concerned about children (she's the director a community center for fuck sake!!) and she can't even make accommodations for my son to have a bed. I know that she's only been a mother for a few years now (since she adopted a half-grown child and doesn't have any biological kids of her own) but she should at least realize that a child has BASIC NEEDS, even if my dumb ass Ex doesn't realize it.

I called The Ex right away about it, and all I got was him telling me that son WANTED to sleep on the floor, a hang up, and then texts asking if I'm drunk. NO MUTHAFUCKER I'M A PISSED OFF MOTHER CONCERNED ABOUT HER FIRST BORN CHILD'S WELL BEING!!! This is absolutely disgusting and inexcusable. And the thing that makes me even angrier is that I KNOW he's going to go back and yell at my son for telling me. And folks wonder why I got divorced?? You see what kind of dumb ass I was married to???? And what's more fucked up is that I got berated mercilessly when I moved into my apartment and my son had to sleep on an air mattress for 2 months until I could afford to buy him a new bed because I LEFT my son's old bed supposedly so The Ex could have it for my kids to have something to sleep on!! But of course, he left it in the house, just like he left everything else in the house, because he was too lazy and bitchassed to go back in there and get the rest of the stuff that I left for HIM.

Oooooooooh I am so mad right now!! And it hurts because I feel like there's nothing I can do about it. I think I'm going to send Son home on Sunday with the air mattress that I still have around here. At least that's something until those bastards take their heads out each other's asses and get my son a bed.

I just wish I could bring my baby home......

Brady Bunch Dating

Thursday morning on the Russ Parr Morning Show there was a discussion about women who refuse to date men with kids. These women stated that having kids would be a deal breaker and that they consciously kept these individuals out of their dating pool. Surprisingly, many of the callers who commented on the topic had children themselves. The reason I heard over and over was the women's desire to avoid "baby momma drama" and not have to deal with the mother of their man's children. But generally, it was just to avoid the extra issues that come along with having kids.

I personally think this is bollocks, first of all from a logical and fairness perspective (having kids and not wanting to date someone else with kids), but also because I don't believe in arbitrary checklists without looking at the underlying factors. As adults, we all have history, we all have baggage, we've all made mistakes, and we've all had changes in life circumstances. It's how we handle these things that should be looked at in order to determine whether or not someone is "datable". If a man has 7 kids by 5 different women at the age of 27, or is absent from his child(ren)'s life and/or avoids caring for his children financially, then that's something that may give you pause because it's indicative of what type of person he is and his level of responsibility and maturity. As far as "baby momma drama" is concerned..... well, I know there are psycho women out there, but I think you also have to look at WHY he has baby momma drama and what that "drama" actually is, and also how he handles it. If he's an uncooperative jerk toward her, then yes, she's going to be a tad cantankerous. She can only interfere in your life as much as he allows her to interfere, and also as much as you allow her antics to get to you. That's true for ANYONE in your life, not just individuals in these situations.

At this point, I think I would actually prefer a man who has a child/children. There's a certain commonality there that is not going to be present with someone who has never been a parent. Parenting changes who you are radically and permanently. As a mother, it's nice to have someone who understands what I go through as a single parent..... the demands on my time, my priorities, the things that I have to go through and the struggles I have dealing with two household parenting. I need someone around that understands that you will only get large chunks of my time every other weekend. Sometimes it's good to be able to trade baby daddy/momma drama stories, laugh and woo-sah it out together.

A man having a child also makes it more likely that he's going to be more understanding of a few of my kid-related quirks. I've been watching Nick and Disney for the past 14 years (and really never STOPPED watching from earlier in my life, if we want to keep it all the way real..... maybe a 5 year gap at most..... teenage parenthood, you know....) so yes, I will subconsciously stop on Hannah Montana and maybe even laugh. I went and saw Kung Fu Panda by myself (yes, sans children), I have an unhealthy obsession with Harry Potter (a "Potterphile") and I'm just an all around silly person. It's nice to have someone around who doesn't give you a blank www.WTF.com stare when you make references from children's entertainment or state that The Lion King is one of the greatest movies of all time.

Another plus to men with kids..... they are less likely to expect me to pop one out for them. I've had child-free men actually come out and ask me fairly early on "So are you willing to have more kids?" (which often evokes a fight or flight reaction in me). I haven't 100% decided whether I'm willing to have more kids..... I'm only 30, but on the flip side I have a high schooler and a damn-near middle schooler. I like sleep and not having to look at anyone else's poop. I know that blended families have their own set of problems and issues, but so do new babies. My relationship with The Ex was centered around parenting..... it would be nice for once to have a relationship centered around enjoyment of each other's company, even if that's just for a little while.

So to the women (or men) out there who refuse to date someone with kids..... you may just be missing out on someone great. I won't totally knock a person's individual choice on this matter because I know it's a challenge.... particularly for someone who does not have kids themselves (I have a friend with no kids struggling to play the "instant mom" role in a relationship with a widower, and I feel for her). But for me, I've decided that this isn't going to be a deal breaker.... if anything, I think it helps me connect with a person in an area that is a major part of my life and who I am.

Close Encounters

Yesterday afternoon was quite the milestone for me in my new single/divorcee life.... it was the day where old met new, where The Ex met the New Boo. *cue dramatical music* Now mind you, I've been in the presence of The Ex's new woman countless times, even had her daughter spend the night at my place with my daughter one weekend, but The Ex had made it clear that he wasn't prepared to meet anyone I was dating (despite the fact that he's moved in with another woman and has my children over there living in her home). And boy, he sure wasn't lying....

The Scene: Son's freshman football game. They were actually playing a team close to where I live, so I thought I would invite New Boo to come out to the game to see my baby do his thang on the football field (cuz I'm a proud mommy and want everyone to see):

(See? That's my baby running)

So I figured he could come by after work. I knew The Ex was going to be there, but what I didn't factor in was that, since it was so close to "home" a whole slew of other people were going to be there, including my mother, The Ex's mother, and our old neighbor who The Ex is BFFs with. I know that Meeting The Parents is usually a big huge deal, but nothing in my family is ever a big huge deal, so whatever. New Boo meets Mom, standard pleasantries and convo exchanged, all that good stuff. Then The Ex comes walking up the bleachers and stops to introduce himself to New Boo (who was looking *extra* clean in a chocolate brown suit straight from the J-O-B....mmmmm)......

Ex: Hi, I'm [The Ex].... nice to meet you.
(grips up New Boo entirely way too tight, as if trying to prove a point which was NOT taken.... he also uses his "man voice" which is not his normal tone, kind of like when my son talks to a girl on the phone)

New Boo: I'm ________________.

Ex: [repeats name incorrectly several times, stutters]

New Boo: [enunciates name correctly]

Ex: [spells out name] I want to make sure I got that right.

Me: *gives The Ex the www.WTF.com look*

Ex: I just like to know whose around my children.
(exits to top of bleachers)

The encounter was quite ridiculous and a whole lot of bitchassed extra..... with his wannabe "I got my eye on you" attitude, like he was going to do some extensive background search on him or have him tailed in an unmarked white utility van or something. He probably won't even remember his name after that bumbling exchange. I was PISSED, but I did a few "woo-sahs" and watched the rest of the game. The Ex was oddly quiet the entire game..... usually he's up there hollering like a fool at our Son (to the point where other parents look at him crazy and start mumbling to each other about feeling sorry for whoever's kid that is) and I didn't hear a peep. Sometime during the 4th quarter, The Ex gets up and leaves to the other side of the stadium, leaving his BFF AND his momma sitting in the stands alone. I had to stop him to give him Son's notebook that he'd left at my place and it took me a few tries to get him to understand what I was giving him and that he needed to give it to Son. The ninja was quite obviously shook.

On the way home I get an "I need to talk to you" phone call from The Ex:

Ex: Look, I need to talk to you about something serious. When I introduced the kids to the person I was dating I told you about it, and I wish you would give me the same courtesy.

Me: Um, I did.

Ex: No you didn't.

Me: Yes I did, a long time ago I told you the kids met __________.
(in fact, we'd had a convo several weeks earlier discussing trading weekends and whether to just change up the schedule and make a permanent change, at which time I mentioned that New Boo and I have our kids on alternating weekends and it would've been nice to be on the same schedule, but not a big deal..... the man obviously has such his own agenda going on in his head that he doesn't listen. I also think he's just fugged up from the divorce and his brain hasn't worked right since.)

Ex: He met [Son] and [Daughter]?

Me: Yes, briefly.
(we weren't really spending a whole lot of time around each other's kids because I like to keep my personal life and my "mommy" life separate, plus that's what the Children Cope with Divorce class recommended, which I paid attention to and The Ex obviously DIDN'T.)

Ex: What did [Son] say??

Me: He just mean mugged him like he mean mugs everyone.*
(*this is the only guy I've dated that my son has met, but he's met other friends of mine and always mean mugs anyone whom he suspects may have an interest in his mother... that's just the nature of a teenage son)

Ex: Well I knew you said you were seeing your neighbor, but you didn't tell me....

Me: *cuts Ex off* Look, you wouldn't even tell me where my kids were living when you had them living up in some other woman's house and you wouldn't tell me her full name, so you can shut up with all that. Also, wash [Son's] uniform.... he was filthy out there and looked terrible. *CLICK*

GTFOHWTBS!!! This man has obviously moved on, playing house with another woman, assuming the whole step-daddy role taking her daughter everywhere, telling me he's gonna get remarried in the next 6 months, so why all this extra when it comes to me taking things one step at a time?? The answer is obvious, but the stupidity and the bitchassedness never cease to amaze me. I'm anticipating the rest of the fall out from this, and I'm just WAITING to hit him with the below the belt blow when he says something crazy. *rubs hands like Mr. Burns*

(I just wonder how The Ex explained his jacked up mood when he got home..... wish I could've been a fly on the wall for that one. She's an idiot if she consoled him over that one and obviously will put up with anything just to have a man..... I'd be damned if my dude comes home fugged up in the head over some other chick and who she's seeing now.)

Ah well.... just another Adventure in Divorce I guess. At least it gave something for me and New Boo to laugh about.

The Slumber Party

This past weekend I had my first real "blended family" experience. Friday evening was Son's first high school football game.... Cathedral freshman vs. Carmel's (we got mollywhopped, 41-14). I went to the game with Daughter, and The Ex showed up with his new woman (she's 42.... I can't even call her his "girl" or "girlfriend"..... just doesn't sound right) and her daughter..... the nice happy new family unit. Whatever. So my Daughter and her daughter have become really close friends, since she is 10 and mine is 9. Admittedly, if I'm going to be all the way honest, I felt a bit threatened by this fact because I was worried that my Daughter wouldn't want to come back to me at the end of the summer because she had a new "sister" and other little girls to be around over with the Ex and his new rebound family..... here it's just me and the Menagerie.* But I got over it, and now she and the other little girls all run up and say hi and give me hugs whenever I come around to pick up Daughter or whatnot.

So during the game, Daughter and Sister-Friend (which is how I shall refer to the little girl) are running back and forth between where I am sitting and where The Ex is sitting, and of course the question arises that ALWAYS arises from 2 or more little girls on a Friday or Saturday...... please mommy can Sister-Friend come spend the night?? *pause* Let me explain that the way I think about life is exactly the same way I think about chess...... always thinking not only of my next move, but others' response to my next move and how I will then respond to their move. I had no problem with Sister-Friend coming over to spend the night...... she's a little girl, totally non-culpable in all this fuckery going on between me and The Ex and, necessarily, his new woman. But then I started thinking about how her mother and The Ex would respond to this inquiry based on the distorted images of me that I'm sure The Ex has painted for her (based on the wild stuff he says to me about me, I can only imagine) that I'm sure included the baseless idea that I am a neglectful mother who's just trying to get to the next party (that's the picture he paints for everyone, including himself). At first I just wanted to avoid that whole situation, but then I decided to seize this opportunity to be the bigger person and try to show that no, I am not all these negative things that he says I am (presumably). All these thoughts occurred in a span of about 3.7 seconds, but I ended up saying yes, that's fine, go ask your mom.

*sigh* And here's where the difficulty that arises WITHOUT FAIL begins. First the girls came back and Sister-Friend says "Mom says she has to ask Mr. [Ex]." Huh?? Who does this child belong to?? How much older is this woman than The Ex?? (answer: 12 years) And how long have they been together??? (answer: just a few months) That right there pissed me off, because I just knew she was going to ask him if it was "safe" to send her child with me. Getthefuckouttaherewiththatbullshit. I have been a mother for over 15 years; this woman just started 2 years ago (she adopted the girl)...... my kids are some of the most responsible, well behaved, mature, easy-going, intelligent children that I know, and the fact that anyone would question whether I had a major influence in that or not is insulting. I wanted to march over there to where they were sitting and say "Look.... I'm not going to do anything crazy to your child; I'm not going to talk shit about you two in front of her like I know the Ex does about me. I keep children out of grown folks business, unlike SOME people who want to tell them all the sordid details of our divorce and throw and break shit in front of them, and speak about their mother with hatefulness and spite. I am the bigger person here, not this bullshit artist who you've let into your life." But I didn't. I said ok and sent the girls back over there and told them to let them know that it wasn't a problem, The Ex could pick up Sister-Friend at the varsity game the next day that we were all going to, that Sister-Friend could just wear some of Daughter's clothes, etc. Here come little girls running back, and Sister-Friend says "I don't know what he's talking about.... he's not making any sense" after I'd JUST finished commenting to my mother how The Ex was going to make this a whole giant production and make it a helluva lot more complicated than it needed to be. Even a 10 year old could see it. And yes, he was trying to make it uber complicated, talking about he didn't know and how would she get home because his car was down and what would she wear...... all things I'd already addressed and provided solutions to. I still didn't understand why I was (1) negotiating and (2) with HIM and not the child's mother. I know if someone offered me a free night away from the kids, no strings attached, I'd be all over it. Eventually, after about 15 minutes of back and forth, we got it worked out and the girls came home with me for the night and would be delivered back to them at the game at noon the next day, they were pleased as punch, and I went home and crashed after getting them all fed and situated because I was WORN THE FUCK OUT from all the mind fuckery that it took to get them there in the first place.

I just didn't like the whole implications involved as to why it had to be so difficult just to have a little girl come and spend less than 18 hours with me. I don't know why it bothers me so, but I don't like people to have false ideas and images about me, ESPECIALLY when it comes to children. Sure I may have my ways that everyone may not agree with, but when it comes to my kids, or anyone else's kids for that matter, I am first and foremost a PARENT who is going to do right by them. I think about it in terms of hats, and I don't wear two hats simultaneously at any given time. I don't believe in the whole "being your child's friend" thing (I am MOM, and whatever affinity arises from that relationship is the only form of friendship you get from me, kiddo). I know that I am a good person, and I know that I am a good mother, and I make mistakes just like everyone else, but I could be doing a HELLUVA lot worse.

So anyway, that experience was a huge milestone for me. Part of accepting change and moving on and trying to make myself ok with everything. Because yes, I don't care who left who, it's still hard to see you ex move on and "replace" you, especially when from an outward perspective the situation looks better than yours. But I of all people know that outward appearances can be deceiving and you never know what goes on behind closed doors away from public eyes. I know I will never be "friends" with this new woman, but I at least want her to realize that I'm not all those negative things he says I am and that she doesn't need to step up and pick up my slack, because there is none.


*The Menagerie = The dog, the ball python, and the painted turtle.

"I will never have a family again...."

The Ex made a disturbing comment to me yesterday about his family being destroyed and him never having a family again. He said he will never give 100% of himself, never full integrate his life with someone else's, and when the going gets tough he'll just get divorced again. He said that some things only come with "the first time around", as if an subsequent marriages and family are somehow not as legitimate. I told him that's a sad way to view life, love and family.

I don't know why this JUST now dawned on me, but that comment really was a slap in the face to me AND my family. He always talks about how he looks up to my parents and my family, but I grew up in a blended step family. I know I've mentioned this before, but for some reason it's true implications JUST really dawned on me. It sounds stupid, but it's like those optical illusion pictures that you stare at and then all the sudden see the picture of the horse or the sailboat. My parents have been married for 33 years, and from the outside looking in (hell, from the inside too) it looked like your typical nuclear 2 biological parent family with 4 kids. But the fact is that my mother was divorced and her ex husband is my oldest sister's father. My parents married when my sister was 5 years old.... when my mom was only a few years younger than I am now (27 I believe), and my dad adopted my sister and raised her as his very own, so well that nobody aside from select family members knew the difference. Unfortunately, the reason nobody knew or had to know was because her dad disappeared from her life, and my dad stepped right into that role.

I'm really baffled at myself right now, how I never thought about this, and didn't even think about it when I was having that conversation with The Ex yesterday. But it just goes to support my view that divorce is not the end of the world, not the scorge upon the earth that The Ex and right wing religious zealots say it is, it is not an impediment to having a happy and healthy family. Sometimes that first try just isn't the right try.

My family may treat this as it's "dirty little secret", though I don't know why. From now on I will proudly say "Yes, I am the product of a blended family". And I think, all things considered, we did okay.