These Three Words

I don't write about relationships much anymore.  When I was "going through it" so to speak in the relationship department, I had all sorts of advice for everyone.  I could write weekly, if not daily, about the interactions between men and women and what should and shouldn't be done.  However, since I have been in a happy, committed relationship for some time now, I find that I just have a lot less to say.  

Seems counter-intuitive, right?  I should be able to give you all lots of advice about what one should do to get where I am (assuming that you would like to be in a steady, committed relationship).  Eh, not really.  I could tell you "Be willing to hop in the car at an hour's notice and drive two hours with the ultimate goal of getting a blueberry grilled cheese donut" or "Watch Scott Pilgrim vs. the World together until you can recite the whole thing" or "Cook vegetarian food together".... but none of those things would mean a damn thing to you, and some of the things I might tell you that make my relationship tick just might get you dumped.  

But, I am not completely heartless, and I won't leave you out in the cold, standing on the outside looking in to wonder "WTF are they so happy about??"  I will share with you a precious nugget of relationship wisdom that I guarantee will improve your life, smooth over rough patches, and just make your lives a helluva lot more pleasant.  Just three little words.......

"Please" and "Thank You"

Yup, that's it.  Not "I love you."  Not "I am sorry."  Say please and thank you.  Early and often.  

Here's the thing..... at the fundamental core of every relationship, everyone wants to feel respected and appreciated.  Take those two things away-- respect and appreciation-- and you have set your relationship up for failure or interlopers or both.  A HUGE reason why people cheat is because the outside person made them feel respected and appreciated (in its own oddly disrespectful way) when their own mate did not.  Incorporating please and thank you into your discourse is a very simple, painless way to stave off the erosion of those two fundamental necessities.

For example:

"Did you take the trash out yet?" vs. "Could you please take the trash out?"

"I need you to pick up the kids; I have a meeting." vs. "Could you please pick up the kids for me so I can go to this meeting?"

The absence of please comes off as nagging, commanding, ordering, demanding.  You can accomplish the same result with a lot less resentment by just remembering to say please.  It shows respect and consideration for the other person's time and efforts.  

And the same with thank you.  You would be amazed at how often people forget to say this simple phrase, and the resentment it causes.  Not saying thank you comes off almost as if you are entitled to certain favors or treatment without question.  Or at the very least, it shows a lack of appreciation, and everyone wants to feel appreciated.  And don't save thank yous just for extraordinary feats. Making dinner, putting your clothes in the dryer, clearing your plate from the table, opening your car door.... these all deserve a thank you.  Again, a lack of thank yous causes resentment, which then causes people to stop going out of their way for you, which then causes you to stop going out of your way for them, which then causes a vicious downward spiral into the break-up abyss.  

I have been in a relationship where it seemed like I was just expected to do certain things without much appreciation or consideration.  And it sucked.  Even though he constantly told me "I love you" to the point where it was borderline annoying, I feel a lot more loved in my relationship now where we use please and thank you with each other a lot more frequently.  It makes me feel valued, which in turn makes me feel loved.

So just try it. Focus less on the "I love yous" (though saying that is important as well) and make more of a conscious effort to say please and thank you to your mate and see what happens.  You can even take it a step further and explicitly say to him or her every so often "I really appreciate you being in my life."  Bottom line, show your respect and appreciation for everything your mate does before somebody else does it for you.

The (In)significance of Girlfriends

(This is follow up to the previous post, All's Fair in Love and War.  I suggest you read it.  Thanks.)

Up until about a year and a half ago, it had been a LONG time since I'd held the title of "girlfriend".  Even before holding the title of "wife" for about 9 years, I was "fiance" for a year and a half, and "baby momma" for 5.  Not since I was 15 have I held the title of just "girlfriend"......until now.  I'm sure for most women the status of girlfriend is the norm and utterly commonplace, so I'm sure you have no clue why this makes any bit of difference such that it warrants a blog post (then again, many things written about in blogs don't deserve a blog post).  Patience...... let me explain.

Girlfriends (and boyfriends, too), at first glance, are afforded special status.  To gain that official title means that you play an important and intimate role in someone's life.  However, in reality..... you're one step above nobody.  Here today, gone tomorrow, and nobody (with the exception of a few) hears from or thinks about you ever again.  At best, you become "Who was that chick you messed with a few years ago??  The one with the old kids?", and hopefully not "Man, what was that crazy bitch's name you finally got rid of??"  Girlfriends are some of the most transient, non-permanent individuals in a person's life.  And thus, they are treated as such.

This realization didn't fully hit home until my Son got his first official girlfriend.  She's a nice girl, and so far I like her, but not-so-far in the back of my mind I know this is (hopefully) just a temporary thing in the grand scheme of life.  He's 16 years old, she's 17.  I don't care how much he or she thinks they may be "in love", I know there's a 99.9% chance they will break up eventually, most likely when she goes off to college in a year, if not sooner.  Knowing this (or believing this.... but what's really the difference?), I will be nice, kind, respectful toward their little relationship, but I have no plans on making her an integral part of my family.  (

(Notice I used the word "little".  I find myself using that a lot in reference to their relationship.  I always refer to her as "Q's little girlfriend" though I am constantly reminded by my own beau that she's not "little" and is very much built like a grown ass woman...... the adjective is not used in the literal sense.  But I digress.)

If you're thinking "Well yes, they are kids, of course you wouldn't think of her like that" then let me change the scenario.  I remember once sitting in my friend's basement talking to his then girlfriend (in her mind at least) and she was going on and on about plans to take trips and what they were going to do next year and we should all plan to do XYZ, blah, blah, blah.  I listened, smiled and nodded, gave the occasional "Oh that would be nice" but the whole time in the back of my mind I'm thinking "Chick, you ain't gonna last through the summer."  And I was right, because what I knew that she didn't was that he was a serial monogamist and I'd seen many like her come and go (and then try to hem me up in the club asking why he went).  So while she thought/hoped/wished/fantasized/delusionally believed she was The One, I knew otherwise, so I saw no need to get myself to attached to the idea of her being around.

So, this has me thinking about my own status as "girlfriend" and wondering how I am different from the females mentioned above, and so far I can't think of any reason why I'm not.  Yes, in my reality and his reality I am a very important individual (and vice versa).  But for everyone else around him who has seen girlfriends come and go, at this point in time they have no reason to take me seriously.  In the eyes of the permanent individuals in his life, I'm the current lady friend who sits in the same position as the past lady friend; the next girl who may just as easily become the ex girl.

The implications of this are twofold.  First is not being taken seriously by family, for the reasons stated above.  But second, and more vexing, is the disrespect and toe stepping by "friends".  Now, when my male friends get a new lady friend, I go out of my way to show that I come in peace and try not to make any sudden, threatening moves.  I think, however, that I am in the minority.  In reality, there is the attitude of "Bitch I was here before you, I will be here after you, and who are you to tell me how I can and cannot deal with MY friend" accompanied by that passive aggressiveness that females have gotten down to a science AND and art that's really not about the guy, but more about whatever the female equivalent of a pissing contest would be.  And honestly, unfortunately..... I can't really argue with the logic.  But logic isn't everything and it still pisses me off.  Add on top of this the notion that all's fair in love and war, and as merely the girlfriend I'm a sitting duck for toe stepping, sneak attacks, tomfoolery, and all sorts of other females' reindeer games.

(Do I sound paranoid?? Sorry......there was an incident.)

The reality is until there is some next level of commitment made, whether intentional (engagement/marriage) or unintentional (baby momma), the status of girlfriend means very little to the outside world.  Sometimes it almost feels like a joke, like I'm just waiting for someone actually to cock their head to side, pat me on the head and say "Oh, that's so cute."  I can almost hear the mental speculation as to whether I'll be the one back next year at the company picnic, or a guest at the next wedding, or at the next family function.....

With all that said, none of this really matters.  All that matters is how he and I feel about each other and the level of mutual respect we show one another.  You must walk before you can run, and walking the role of girlfriend is just one of those normal, everyday life things.  Just another one of my observations from my odd vantage point of being a girlfriend for the first time in my adult life, that's all.

All's Fair in Love and War

Maybe she wasn't such a cootie queen after all.

History is always told from the perspective of the winner, not as it actually went down.  Our history books are all written in such a way that applauds the actions of the ones in control and condemns those of the loser.  This is simply one of the spoils of war; the winners get to tell the story the way they want it to be told, and very few actually question it.  This is not only the case in our civilization's history, but love as well. 

Some time last year a good friend of mine was telling me about a new guy she was kickin' it with.  He was a musician, handsome, sexy, and despite the fact that he was staying with her (temporarily til he found another place, supposedly), he had a girlfriend.  I told her run for your life, he's playing you as live-in booty while he plans a life with this chick, you're gonna get your feelings hurt.

Well, last week they got engaged.

There are two schools of thought when it comes to people who are in pre-marriage relationships:  One is that these people are in committed relationships and their relationship should be respected and left alone, and anyone who tries to interfere is just foul and dead wrong.  The other, which was best summed up by my mentor who was a notorious flirt, is "You're single until you're married."  In the Infinite Wisdom of my 20's (and by "Infinite Wisdom" I mean "I thought I had shit figured out and then I actually lived life and was proven terribly wrong") I was of the school of thought that the latter attitude was just awful and an excuse to sleep around for as long as possible.  And even still today I get irritated when someone persists in trying to holla even after I inform them that I have a boyfriend.  But my friend's good news got me thinking about whether this issue is as black and white, right vs. wrong, as I originally thought.

Take my friend as example.  When she first started "dating" her now fiance, 9 out of 10 disinterested women polled on the street would probably tell you she was being a scandalous scallywag for messing with someone else's man.  Now in hindsight though, I would merely have to say "She won."  The ultimate purpose of dating (for most people) is to find someone to build a life with, ideally to marry.  But the fact is that many people are in lackluster, half hearted relationships that they are holding onto for whatever reason, maybe because it's not bad but not really fantastic, or out of habit, or because that's what they think they want, or whatever.  If someone else comes along that is a better match, should they bypass it because of some sense of obligation to the lackluster relationship, or go forward and pursue greater happiness?  Should the interloper walk away from someone showing interest in them because that person is supposedly in a relationship which the interloper has no knowledge of its depth or complexity?

Let's take another example: my very own sister.  She dated a guy from high school for over 5 years, but then her junior or senior year of college she had another guy incessantly in her ear, calling her all the time over the summer, not really caring at all that she had a boyfriend.  That other guy is now my brother-in-law, they have 2 beautiful boys and a wonderful life together.  Had he abided by the "rules" and left my sister alone out of "respect" for her relationship with a guy who honestly was slipping, my sister would not have the life she has today.  My brother-in-law presented himself as the better option, plain and simple.  He won.

I'm not saying that anyone who is not married is 100% fair game and that the follow up question to "Yes, I'm seeing someone" should always be "But are you happy?" because really, that just comes off as rude and disrespectful.  I'm just making the observation that when it comes to love and dating, history rewrites itself such that seemingly questionable behavior all the sudden becomes justified and endearing.  I would be willing to bet that a great number of "how we met" stories involve the scenario "he/she was dating someone already, but I really wanted to get to know him/her" or some other reason why the situation wasn't exactly ideal at the time.  During none of the umpteen times your dad tells the story of how he met your mother do you think "Man, what an asshole", but rather "Wow, he really, really wanted to get with mom."  After the fact we applaud the persistence, the determination, the romanticism, and the poor ex ("Ole Whats-His-Name") just becomes a forgotten casualty of love.

So I guess I do have to agree that, in the grand scheme of life, you really are single until you're married, not in the sense that you can willy nilly do whatever you want in a relationship and use that as a defense (try saying "It wasn't wrong because we're not married" to your boo and see what happens.... you won't be in that particular relationship much longer), but rather there are no guarantees until you say "I do".  Married people are definitely off limits, and at that point you merely become a homewrecker.  But for everyone else, relationships come and go and the reality is that there aren't always clean breaks in between them.  In the end, when it's all said and done, the only person who matters is the one who won.

All is fair in love and war, loved ones..... and the victor gets to rewrite history.

*Disclaimer: AID will not be held responsible for any head busting or beat downs you may catch going after someone else's (wo)man.  Please proceed with caution.

Emotional Baggage Sundays (+1): Fighting the Urge to Fight

I have a confession to make..... as much as I subscribe to the school of thought that you just have to let stuff go, I still harbor a lot of anger, hostility and pissedoffedness toward The Ex. Like, I get really, REALLY angry to the point where I'd like to commit trespass to his chattels (something along the lines of this) or some other act resulting in grievous bodily harm (but only in my mind, loved ones..... only in my mind). I'm usually a pretty laid back person who doesn't get worked up over much, especially when there's nothing I can do about it. But dealing with The Ex frustrates me to NO END, and I'm just tired of it.

Take this weekend, for example. The arrangement is that whoever has the kids for the weekend picks up said child (as we already each have one of them) at 6pm on Friday and returns them at 6pm on Sunday. Pretty standard arrangement. In the spirit of cooperation, we've been somewhat flexible on this schedule so that nobody is up in arms if we can't get there til 7pm or want the kids to stay over a little later on Sunday for dinner. However, this also leaves great room for abuse. Daughter and I had graduation for our martial arts class on Saturday morning, which The Ex claimed he could not get Daughter to so she would have to stay with me Friday and he'd come get her afterward on Saturday. Wasn't really too happy about this, because in my opinion if it's his weekend, it's HIS responsibility to get her where she needs to go and figuring out the logistics is his problem, not mine. But as usual, I said okay because I had Daughter's interests at heart and knew this was important to her.*

(*Daughter fell off a scooter and broke her wrist a week ago, 3 days before she was supposed to test to become a green belt. The day after she had surgery to reset the bone and have a pin inserted, she went ahead and took, and passed, her green belt test WITH her cast and scratched up face and knuckles.... she was uber determined. So yea, to miss the graduation would have been no bueno.)

Then The Ex changes things on me AGAIN and insists that I bring her to him. Uh no, that's not the deal... it's pick ups, not drop offs. That doesn't matter to him though. So all Friday evening and Saturday morning through afternoon we are battling via text because basically he was refusing to honor the arrangement, AND the secondary arrangement that HE came up with, and come pick her up. It even devolved to the point of him calling me a "stupid hoe".... wholly unnecessary. So FINALLY he says he's on his way to come pick her up around 1pm. I shower, get dressed, and wait.... and wait.... and wait..... because I had to be at a bar association event that afternoon. About an hour and a half later I get a text saying "I'll be there in an hour." It took all I had not to scream obscenities about him in front of his child. Although my calm outer facade said "Fine, I'll just take her with me to my function" my insides were screaming with rage. It took Daughter calling him for him to finally agree to at least meet me en route to my function, to which I reluctantly agreed because the event, while not kid un-friendly, wasn't all that kid-friendly either. I show up to the designated spot.... my travel distance being much further than his.... and he isn't there. More waiting. More rage, which I'm trying desperately to conceal in front of Daughter, but knowing me I didn't do a very good job..... even when I'm quiet, I tend to seethe. He finally shows up and Daughter is on her merry way (to the most hoodtastic and craptastic park festival that The Ex was supposedly too busy "organizing" to come pick her up, but from the looks of it, it didn't look like much "organizing" happened to put that mess together).

I just get so angry at the complete and utter lack of consideration and his constant need to try and punk me..... just a bully mentality. Never mind the blatant disrespect and insults, which really piss me off too, but which unfortunately I am somewhat used to from our days of being in wedded bliss (if you can't detect the custard thick sarcasm there, please stop reading my blogs). I'm a pretty cooperative person, but the more he tries to push me and punk me, the less inclined I am to show kindness. It's kind of a Golden Rule thing, a lesson which was apparently wasted on him. Had he 1) explained why he needed my assistance and cooperation instead of just saying "I can't/won't do it" and 2) Stuck to his word after I agreed to help him out, it would have been an entirely different scenario. And I told him that..... you receive what you give out, and so I wasn't giving out much in the way of compassion and consideration.

This troubles me, however. I don't want to be a bitter, vengeful person. I don't go as far as to be the nightmare baby momma from hell and just do things to fuck with him for the sake of fucking with him, but I'm just not inclined to be very nice. And I'll admit..... my brand of mean is quite surgical and designed to jab right where it hurts. He boxes, I fence. Regardless, though, it wastes A LOT of emotional energy, and, like a real physical fight, even when you've "won" you still come out a little beat up and sore. I'm troubled because it seems like instead of relations between us improving over time, it seems to be getting worse and worse.

Right now I'm at the point where I'm no longer sure how to be the "better person" without being a doormat that gets shat upon constantly. When you are dealing with a person who has no sense of why it's important to honor his word and thinks of nobody but himself, yet insists on what a "good person" he is, it's very, VERY hard to be the bigger person and ignore his antics, insults, and lack of consideration. Does the Golden Rule mean that if someone gives you bad treatment that you are then justified in giving it back? Or is the Golden Rule an absolute mandate that must be followed no matter how you are treated? I know that constant tit for tat gets you nowhere, but there has to be some point at which you should be able to stand up and fight back.

All I know is that I'm tired of the anger, the insults, the conflict, the drama...... I just want to move on with my life peacefully. And not have the constant urge to fight.

Independence is overrated

Much ado is made about the appeal of the "independent woman" versus a more "traditional woman", particularly among the black community. Quick..... name 5 songs about "Independent" women! *cue Jeopardy music*

1. "Miss Independent" by Ne-Yo
2. "Independent" by Webbie
3. "Independent Woman" by Destiny's Child
4. .....
5. ......

Crap, I'm drawing a blank. Anyway, you get the idea.

Yes, there is a certain appeal and value to a woman who can provide for herself and contribute to a relationship. However, the Dark Side of this independent woman movement is the A.B.W. Syndrome..... the woman who will hoot and holler that she doesn't need a man for a DAMN thing and she can do everything by her DAMN self, and DAMN a sexist ass man for expecting her to submit, or compromise, or anything that goes against exactly what SHE wants with her stupid checklists and unrealistic demands for perfection when she herself is one hoof away from being a wildebeest with a Mussolini attitude to match.

Ladies..... that's not cute.

I would consider myself to be independent..... whether my bills get paid does not depend on whether or not I'm in a relationship and/or how well I "put it on him" last night. My plan for financial success does not include how I'm going to rope in a man to take care of my finances. I also know how to change a tire, put together a book shelf, install a ceiling fan, hook up a router, I can even stain and polyurethane. On the flip side of that, I think I do have a few qualities that may be at odds with the hard-core feminist notion of the "independent woman" that, in my opinion, make me a pretty decent catch:

1. I can cook.

I always hear about guys complaining that women today can't cook. I thought this was just an over exaggeration and they meant that these women couldn't cook like momma or grandma with the meals that you have to start cooking at 3pm in order to be done by 6:30, because SURELY there are plenty of women out there who really need to have more fabric to cover their asses in the club who are obviously eating good. But I fully realized the magnitude of this problem this past weekend when I got up and made my beau breakfast..... he said that was the first time in his 28 years of life that a woman he was dating made him breakfast (aside from some eggs once, which he said were too nasty to eat). I almost didn't believe him. And it's not like I made come complicated breakfast..... Belgian waffles, turkey bacon, and scrambled eggs. Ladies, these are not hard things to make. A $30 waffle iron, some $3 belgian waffle mix, a $1.50 can of apple pie filling, turkey bacon thrown in the oven or skillet, and scrambled eggs.... I don't even EAT scrambled eggs but they're not that complicated where I couldn't figure them out.

Ladies, I'm not saying you need to become a gourmet cook or your man's grandma reincarnate. Start simple... hell, start INSTANT. Example: Spaghetti.... I've never met a man who doesn't like spaghetti. Find a sauce that you like (don't eff with Ragu unless you plan on seriously doctoring it up, which is NOT simple), cook noodles for 7 to 9 minutes (longer if you use whole wheat), , get a bag of pre-cut romaine lettuce & some Caesar dressing (I recommend the stuff that's in the refrigeration case with the salad mix... those tend to be better) throw some Parmesan cheese & croutons on it and you have a whole meal. Target is great for interesting instant meals..... their tortellini (boil for 5 minutes) with some marinara sauce is one of my favorites. My point is that you should find some simple GOOD meals and get proficient at making them. It will go a LONG way, trust me.

2. I respect sports.

Notice I didn't say I LIKE sports, at least not on the level that most men like sports. But I respect when important games are on and I will either not protest to it being on the TV, or, even more noble, I don't mind if he wants to go watch it with his boys. I don't throw a hissy fit and demand that we watch MY show, because chances are MY show will come on again. And I do try to know a little bit about the games, who's playing, who the key players are, at least the basic rules (mostly thanks to years and years of watching youth sports) so that when he does choose to stay home and watch the game with me I can actually enjoy it (to a degree) too.

Love it or hate it, but always respect it..... men and sports go together like peas and carrots. It's not going to change. You're not going to change it. Stop fighting it, accept it move on. It is simply a battle you will not win in the long run, and your short term wins will be pyrrhic victories.

3. I accept chivalrous acts.

Ok, I admit, this is something that I am actively working on, but more so because I hate to inconvenience people than having the attitude of "I can do it all myself I don't need you step off." It's just a fact that men like to feel needed and they still have a protective streak about them.... millions of years of instinct fighting off wild animals for us doesn't go away easily. One thing my beau likes to do is give me the shirt off his back.... literally. If he sees that I am cold (especially in the grocery store, where it's always cold) he will offer to take off his shirt so I can wear it. Most times I tell him it's ok, but sometimes I accept his offer. Same goes for opening my car door, letting me get my food first, and carrying heavy things for me. Ladies, let a man be a man sometimes, particularly if you are one who is complaining that there are no good men out there. Chivalry is dead in part because we killed it. Give it a chance to grow sometimes.... you just might like it.

4. I'm submissive.

This can be taken in many ways. *brief pause* But I shall speak on it generally. I am not religious in the traditional sense, but I do believe the man is the head of the household and should have the final say on certain things, and as such I will defer to those decisions. Granted, any man who I am with and would be attracted to would necessarily seek and respect my input and intelligence, so it's not like I'm advocating Coming To America like obedience (no standing on one foot and barking like a big dog for me).

Now, considering that I am in a relationship but not married, this plays less of a role than it would if I were married (membership has its privileges). But I still seek out my man's opinion on some things, and it's not always my way or the highway. We don't always have to see the movies *I* want to see, or go to the restaurants *I* want to go to, or hang out with *MY* friends. Mix it up a little and do what he wants to do sometimes, ladies.... you may just accidentally enjoy it.

5. I'm "creative" intimately.

I've written on the topic of One Stop Shopping before, so I won't rehash what I've already discussed (i.e. stop and go read it). But nothing drives me more insane than a woman who reasons that her man doesn't "respect" her if he asks her to do certain things in the bedroom (or couch, or car, or.......) and exclaiming that she could "NEVER do THAT!" because she's too much of a "lady." Um, no.... not respecting you is him asking someone ELSE to fulfill his fantasies because you won't. There's nothing wrong with being your man's personal Darling Nikki. In fact, you SHOULD be, because think about it...... if not you, then who?

Ok, I'm done with my list for now. I'm sure I can think of some others, in which case I will come back and do a Part Deux. Just remember, ladies, being independent is all fine and good, but still remember that your man likes women, so it's ok to act like a woman from time to time. Nobody is asking you to stay barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, but it won't kill you to do some of those things your grandma used to do for your granddad. It doesn't make you any less strong or independent or less of a person. Just give a little sometimes.

Let's do business (or not)

Today I finally got my new business cards for my new job, so I am OFFICIAL. *Yay me!* There's no greater feeling (ok, so maybe I can think of a few) than being able to whip out your business card instead of trying to fumble for a piece of paper and pen, or doing the forehead to forehead thing trying to get your number into someone's phone. Business cards are a quick, simple, and efficient way to pass on your contact information.

However, on this new set of business cards I left off my cell number and my work direct dial (the firm is a-ok with that.... they don't believe clients should have unlimited access to you at all times). The reason for this is due to a lesson I learned at my last job by putting my cell number on my cards, and that is this: guys will shamelessly try and holla at you under the guise of wanting to do business.

Here's how it goes down: You're out somewhere at a quasi-business social event (which can be damn near anything) and a guy approaches you. Here's the typical dialogue:

Guy: So what do you do for a living?
Me: I'm an attorney.
Guy: Oh really? I could use a good attorney! (everyone can always use a good attorney, without fail) [Insert optional story about suspended license/baby momma drama/Cousin Pookie in jail]
Me: Ok, well I only do business and corporate law.
Guy: That's great, because I've got this business I'm trying to get off the ground/know someone who wants to invest in my existing business/have a contract I need reviewed.
Me: *trying not to look skeptical* Um, well ok I may be able to help you out with that.
Guy: Do you have a card?
Me: *hesitantly reaches into Bettie Page card case* Sure.
Guy: Thanks! I'll give you a call sometime next week to talk about it.

*3 days later*

Message on Voice Mail: Hey, this is ___________. Remember me from XYZ Spot last Friday? I was wondering if we could get together and I can take you out to dinner sometime and get to know you better......

And that, loved ones, is the Holla Under the Guise of Doing Business (since I like undecipherable acronyms, let's call it HUGDB). It's hard to screen out because you don't want to blow people off who legitimately want to do business with you and you don't want to make assumptions about what a person can and cannot afford, but 95% of the time it's crap. But it's that 5% that you don't want to piss off, because you can pick up clients ANYWHERE (I actually had a client whom I only see when I go out, and we've discussed business right there at the bar).

Guys may see this as a legitimate way to get "in" with a woman, but it irritates the fuck out of me. On some levels it's a slap in the face to my professionalism when guys treat my profession as merely a way to get my number, because they're basically bullshitting me. And I don't like being bullshitted. And I also take it as an insult to my intelligence, which I take kindly to even less.

(This also raises another issue that I won't fully delve into here because I will end up on a tirade, but this highlights the challenges faced by female professionals, especially attractive female professionals. There's a certain level of schmoozing that has to go on to facilitate business relationships, and unfortunately this manifests itself as flirting and coquettishness when it comes to women. Some level of it its necessary and acceptable, but too often it is abused and nothing (i.e. no money changing hands) comes of it. I'm all for taking one for the team, but it has its limits.)

So guys, as tempting and easy as the HUGDB may seem, please don't do it. If your intentions are to ask a woman out, just be up front about that. Don't assume that just because a woman gives you her card it means that she's single and interested... it may just mean that she's a professional who is legitimately trying to network. It will save both of you a lot of time and embarrassment when you call 3 days later and get the blow off because you bullshitted her and are playing with her money (which, as Big Worm said, is like playing with her emotions.... bad business). Also, don't take it a step further and play along like you really want to do business with her (for example, setting up a lunch "meeting") in hopes that she will be just that charmed by you that she will forget the fact that you are bullshitting her. That just makes it worse.

(ok, so I once fell for the "We should do lunch" line that ended in [CENSORED], but we'd already met and talked several times before, and had been feeling each other and had obvious chemistry prior to the HUGDB.... I knew it was BS up front but proceeded for other reasons. But I digress.....)

Just treat me like the professional that I am.... that's all I ask.

Emotional Baggage Sundays, Part Deux

It seems like every Sunday (or at least every other Sunday) after a long weekend filled with good friends, good music, and yes, good drinks, I find myself sitting alone feeling melancholy about a number of things that I end up brooding over all afternoon, and then I end up posting some arcane bit of poetry or song lyrics or PostSecret postcard. So what's bothering me today? Might as well get it out:

1. Oddly enough (or not so oddly, considering how I create my iTunes playlists) this song that is currently playing as I write this pretty much sums up what's been on my mind most of the day: The One That Got Away by Pink. It's one of those weird issues because it's not something that's an active part of my life, but more like background static...... it's really one of those situations where I've accepted reality and let go. For the most part anyway. Its also something hard to explain (or not explain and just avoid) to someone you're dating that yes, there was a person in your life that was very important, and they're not anymore, and that makes you sad sometimes, but that honestly it is a non-issue because the odds of that relationship working out are less than nil. It's not taking anything away from the person currently in your life, but it's just reality. It happens. Everyone has that one that got away, but they move on. Right? I hope so.

2. I was throwing away junk mail and came across a mailer for a seminar on LLCs, LLPs, etc. I look at the names of the panelists and see (a) the moderator is the senior associate who made my life HELL the first year I started working at The Firm, gave me the shittiest assignments and the leftover bullshit, and was generally condescending and treated me like I didn't graduate from law school cum laude, and then (b) one of the panelists is a guy who started at The Firm the same time I did, and I remembered how they used to talk about how shitty of a writer he was when we first started, but they liked him and took him under their wings and gave him the good work and MENTORED him..... meanwhile I'm there given the shitty leftovers, the "simple quick little projects" that amounted to a bunch of bullshit. I literally started crying. Looking at my resume, you'd think that I would have been their fucking superstar. I feel like a failure sometimes because I feel like I should be at a much different place in my career, and it all comes down to the opportunities those fuckers didn't let me have at The Firm. And it was because they underestimated me, treated me like I was stupid, wouldn't give me the work so I could get the experience. It's the story of every black associate's life at The Firm.... we all tell the same tale. And that just made me angry all over again today, and made me question what the hell I'm doing in the legal profession in the first place.

(this playlist has got to go..... it's making me way too sad. "My Drive Thru".... that's a better song)

3. The fact that I still allow The Ex's words to get to me, gets to me. Yesterday the discussion involved him telling me that I need to quit "giving it away for free" and find some guy that can help me out financially right now. WTF?? I had to remind him that he doesn't have shit to offer to the woman he's dating that's almost, but not quite, old enough to be his momma, and that he needs to give her that same speech because if his theory holds true, her old ass should know better. Let me backtrack.... he doesn't have shit to offer her but companionship, which is all I'm looking for out of a guy, too. He's such an illogical fucktard, and it makes me mad that I can't just ignore that shyt and not let it, admittedly, hurt me. The insults he hurls at me are just really unnecessary. I hate being undercover sensitive sometimes.

4. Seems like nobody has any time for me. Yesterday I went to the movies alone (and saw the worst movie ever...... The Love Guru..... if I'd paid more than $1.25 for that shyt I'd still be mad right now), then ate dinner alone, then took myself to Front Page alone (but I always see people there I know and like), and then took myself home, again, alone. And this isn't anyone's fault, people have lives and are busy and whatnot. But damn.... next person who says that I probably have guys trying to get with me all the time is gonna get punched in the face, because NOBODY had any time for me this weekend. Well except for Roomie.... we had a good time hanging out Friday. Other than that, seems like everyone is too busy.

(dammittoallhell what is up with all my damn playlists pissing all over my emotions?? The current culprit: You Know What by N*E*R*D)

5. Being broke. Nuff said. Thanks to my girl and the random drunk white guy at Front Page last night for getting my Grateful Deads..... otherwise I would have been sitting there stone sober watching The Best of Soul Train on the bar TVs, which would have been a lot less fun because they were on some serious '80s ish last night. Comedy.

6. All those other things that I just can't talk about for one reason or another. But trust me, those are the ones bothering me the most.

Someone please expain this to me......

Timing.... that is an issue that has been vexing me lately, both due to my own situation and because my friends and I were recently discussing it. If it were the final question on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, I would have to tell Meredith "Not me, I'm taking the cash and going home." It's an age old question and I really don't think there's an answer, but that's never stopped me from looking before. Here it goes:

How long should you wait before having sex with a guy?

and, as a follow up question:

What are the implications of waiting vs. not waiting?

I felt really bad last night talking to my..... my...... well, I don't know what to quite consider him at this point......

(*Sidenote: My friend calls her dude her "partner" because she can't stomach the word "boyfriend" because dude is in his 40's and using the term "boy" just doesn't seem right, but then we point out that it sounds like she's talking about her lesbian lover and it's confusing.... so yea, that's why labels are just crappy)

....... because he was telling me that when we first started kickin' it, I was really distant and dismissive toward him and just uber causal about everything. Part of this is due to the fact that I was raised in dating captivity and don't know how normal people function in the wild, but the main issue was that I assumed that he wasn't going to take ME seriously owing to the fact I (1) told him point blank that I was kinda dating someone out of town, and then (2) he got the draws after spending a total of, oh, $10 in drinks on me the first time we hung out* (damn $3 Grateful Deads) AND I made an ass of myself by puking all over his toilet (not just IN the toilet.....again, damn Grateful Deads).

(*Time Out: This calls for a "I normally don't do this" disclaimer, but that would be a partial lie. I don't do this sort of thing with EVERYBODY I meet, because honestly I don't like most people I meet off the giddyap like that. I'm all about the vibe I get from a person.... it's not about how much money a dude spends or how much "work" he puts in, it's if I like you, plain and simple, and I get a good vibe from very, very few people, even if I'm attracted to them. The 21 year old who (foolishly) spent $130 on dinner got only a lean-forward-booty-stuck-way out-one-arm-side-hug at the end of the night, after which I went to watch CNN with the dude who got the draws after $10 in Grateful Deads. Go figure. My ish isn't for sale, that's for damn sure.)

From what I'd been told by male friends who were trying to "school" me on the ways of men, that type of behavior gets you thrown immediately into the jump off category, and he's telling all his friend about you, and you'll never get any kind of respect in his book, blah blah blah. So I say to myself "Ok, Self, you put yourself on this course, so just be cool and don't play yourself too badly, this can still be salvaged for some purpose I guess." So I was cool.... ice cold like Andre 3000. But turns out that I guess I hurt his feelings a bit because he DIDN'T think of me like that. And that makes me feel bad. But I was merely acting on the basis of what friends had told me about the "rules" related to gaining respect* vs. becoming a jump off when it comes to guys.

(*Another sidenote: I can say with the utmost confidence that I ALWAYS garner the respect of the guys I've dealt with, no matter what course our dealings go on. I've never been in a situation where I've gotten utterly disrespected *knock on wood*..... perhaps it's a factor of the who I choose to let into my life, but I think it's also how I conduct myself. Hmmm.......)

That's not the case with my friend, though. He hasn't treated me like a jump off, he likes me for me, we hang out together, we enjoy each other's company..... all those things that my boys told me would NOT happen based on my initial antics. Then I think about the only guy that did try and borderline play me who I DID make wait a decent amount of time who went somewhat incognegro after the fact (but who all the sudden has started calling again..... kick rocks, MF, you blew your chance to have an out of town FWB), and I'm thinking WTF? Are my boys just steering me wrong here?? What is really going on?

So, please tell me...... WHAT ARE THE RULES??? Or are there even any Rules?? Or are the exceptions to the Rules so numerous as to make the Rules utterly pointless?

Honestly, I think I'm just going to keep doing my thing how I think it should be done and how it works for me, and if anyone doesn't like it...... *shrug* your loss.

Love vs. Respect

I think there's a misconception that love is the most important factor in a relationship. While there are many, many elements that are necessary for a successful long term relationship (in my novice opinion), I think the most important element is RESPECT. Once respect is gone, everything else follows suit. Respect is what causes you to to considerate, respect is what causes you not to cause hurt and pain to your significant other (hereinafter referred to as "S.O."), respect is what makes you care and want to be the best you can be for your S.O.

I think Machivelli had it right when he said that he would rather be respected than loved (or rather, have respect based on fear rather than love... but whatever); love is fickle, respect is more enduring. Because I'll tell you a secret about "love" in marriages and other long-term relationships: it ebbs and flows, rises and falls like the tide, and unless you have something stronger than love... which has to be MIGHTY strong... to anchor you down, the ship that is your relationship will go right out to sea with it, or end up washed up and stuck on the beach.

Just think about other relationships with people. I'm sure everyone knows that person at work who may be the most callous asshole on the face of the earth, just a cantankerous SOB.... but he/she is extremely well respected. You aren't going to do wrong by that person because of that respect. That respect is stronger than the like or dislike of the person. There's a scene at the end of Anchorman where Ron Burgundy is climbing out of bear pit (after Baxter saves him and Veronica Corningstone), and Wes Mantooth (Vince Vaughn... I love him) grabs the ladder, seemingly about to push Ron back into the bear pit and be rid of him once and for all. But then he sets the ladder back down and says: "I hate you more than anyone else on Earth, Ron Burgundy. But damn it, I respect you!" and gently kisses him on the forehead. Now THAT is the power of respect.

But you may say "Hey! What about trust?? That's pretty damn important too!" Agreed.... but I see trust as a subset of respect. When you trust a person, that is a form of respect.... respect for their word. So that takes care of that.

So, ask me which I'd rather have: Love or Respect? If I had to pick one, I'd choose the latter. I don't want to be the lovable idiot who's never taken seriously. But to make a serious relationship work, you gotta have both.... but you gotta, gotta, GOTTA have respect as that anchor. So don't ask me what happens when respect is lacking, or how to find it if it's come up missing.... if you have any ideas, fill me in.

(Originally posted May 29, 2006)

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Well, I found out what happens when respect is lacking...... PEOPLE CHEAT! More about that another time, loved ones.......