The C Word

I was reading a post on Finding My Way, another blog about divorce (I discovered she has a link to my site on her blog..... thank you, thank you). Something interesting she had to say:

"When I discovered in May 2005 that my spouse had cheated on me, I didn't respond like most wives would have. I felt immense relief that it was over. Adultery was not acceptable and therefore I could leave this marriage for what I considered a good reason. Not "we just don't get along" (although true) or "we just don't love each other anymore" (partly true but I don't think he ever really loved me). I could feel less guilt about the divorce's impact on my children, because I didn't leave the marriage, he left it when he cheated."

Relief..... that's the overwhelming feeling I had the night the Excrement Hit the Air Conditioning and the end of my marriage officially began. I finally had a concrete reason to get out, that one thing that people could point to and express in a sound bite to explain "what happened" when they sit around and gossip about why my Ex and I divorced, even though the notion that cheating automatically ends marriages is a fallacy.....most of the time, cheating is a symptom of an underlying problem, not the problem in and of itself. Well, I had underlying problems like CRAZY, the extent of which I'm still discovering, but none that were easily explained in 50 words or less, even assuming that they could be adequately explained at all.

However, I differ from my fellow divorcee blogger in that the cheating wasn't my Ex's doing.... it was mine. *GASP* (Yea, I know..... hate me if you wanna, but I'm human and it takes 2 to tango.) Well let me backtrack..... the situation was such that I thought my Ex was cheating, which triggered a big unfortunate "fuckit" moment. I found some very damming text messages on his phone between him and another female, but he swears nothing happened between them and it was just flirting (which I'm still not sure I believe..... when you text someone "I want to see you" that's usually not JUST flirting)..... even still, the fact that was going on in and of itself was a problem which caused me to flip the fuck out and leave for about a week to contemplate what the hell was going on with us. And not to go into any details, but that's when it happened. Basically. Yea. So anyway, he found out about it, there was a big ole scene when I was out with friends (the hearing in my right ear is still jacked up...... yea, it got ugly..... he hit me..... HARD). Even as I sat outside the club hiding around the corner, the overwhelming thought that was paramount amongst the hundreds of others was "It's over.... I'm free." There was an immense feeling of relief even amongst the fear and dread and shame. I even stayed at the spot and kicked it and had a really good time (might have been all the tequila my friends were buying to make me feel better). I just knew he wouldn't want me anymore after that and that there was now a "justification" for us splitting up aside from "we aren't getting along."

(*Sidenote: I feel the need to clarify that this was NOT planned..... I did not plan for my Ex to find out about my indiscretions AT ALL. I was even questioned as to whether I "used" my fellow adulterer as an excuse to get out of my marriage. Not. At. All. I felt absolutely terrible for all the things he had to endure in the fallout as well...... tho, it seems he's faring much better now than I am. Like I said.... cheating is not an automatic deal breaker for many people. But I will say that one should only gamble with what one is willing to lose..... when you go to Vegas, you don't intend to lose, but you should put yourself in a situation where you shouldn't be too terribly distraught if you do. Likewise, I knew my marriage had issues and apparently on some level I was willing to lose it....... didn't intend to, but by my very actions made that a possibility by default.)

It was unfortunate that I let it get to that point instead of dealing with our issues head on, which probably would have lead to the same result...... divorce..... but I would have avoided involving someone else's life in my quagmire. However, it just seemed that the other reasons just weren't "good enough" for divorcing.... it wasn't enough to overcome the "stay for the kids" argument. As the author stated above "we just don't get along" or "we just don't love each other anymore" didn't seem like a justifable reason.... it seemed whiny, selfish, and like I just wasn't trying hard enough. But cheating..... ah, yes, now THAT was a reason!! Nevermind that those same feelings and thoughts were the underlying reason for the act.... nevermind the thoughts and feelings and attitudes that cause you to reach out to another person for comfort and solace.......nevermind the obvious underlying loss and/or lack of respect....... it's the act itself that everyone focuses on as being the deal breaker. I'm here to say that this thought process if extremely flawed..... if a marriage is broken, it's broken, no matter how it manifests. As it turns out, cheating was NOT a deal breaker for my marriage.... my Ex was willing to forgive me and begged and begged for me to come back, but I knew that our issues went deeper than my infidelity and ultimately that is what I based my decision upon. So in the end (?) cheating became merely a wake up call, not a justification.

Who's to say what would have happened if I hadn't cheated..... I could still be married right now, but then again maybe not. I may have just been delaying the inevitable. I could be living the rest of my life unhappy like my parents. There's no point in speculating, really. What happened, happened. Some bad came out of it, but I must acknowledge that some good came out of it as well (in a chaos theory sort of way). I feel myself starting to ramble..... so much I want to say and can't..... won't..... shouldn't. So I'm not. Fin. Maybe I'll come back to this issue..... in fact, I'm sure I will.

(Oh, and if you are wondering why I would put myself out there like this and admit to cheating..... well, The Ex pretty much told anyone who would sit still in his presence long enough to listen, and he talks A LOT, so I've just come to accept it as common knowledge. It is what it is, loved ones.)

The Great DJ Brawl of '07

"Who gets into a fight with the DJ??" ~ William F. Baby, responding to the Great DJ Brawl of '07

To answer that question, I'll tell you who gets into a fight with the DJ...... The Ex. The Great DJ Brawl of '07 is what tipped my marriage from mere separation to an actively filed petition for divorce on the grounds that "this dude is crazy." Because, after all, who fights the DJ???

Alright, here's what happened.... it was mid August 2007, I'm at home chilling on a Tuesday night, coincidentally tinkering with a draft of my pro se divorce petition because I was tired of The Ex telling me to just "go ahead and get it over with" and telling me that he'd retained an attorney with the $2,000 he'd stolen out of my bank account a few days earlier. I get a text from my boy DJ Limelight who is DJing that night at Coaches (ah, the glorious old days of Take That Tuesdays at Coaches featuring Limelight and Metrognome *stares into the ether wistfully*) letting me know that The Ex was up in the spot. (Let me clarify that this was solely for the purpose of warning me of what I'd be walking into if I had planned to come down there, as he'd done on many occasions prior to that day..... just looking out for a sista so I could plan accordingly.) This was clearly an anomaly because The Ex NEVER went to Coaches unless he was looking for me..... and I wasn't buying the story that he was in there just to hand out fliers because the fliers were for an all black male review, and Coaches on Tuesday is probably 80% white hip-hop heads who could give a fuck less about Chocolate Thunder doing his thang. I think I'd had a few glasses of wine while sitting at my computer, so I texted The Ex saying "Sorry, I'm not there." For this I have apologized to my boy profusely because it was a wholly unnecessary, petty act on my part to send that message, and it set in motion the events constituting what I have now dubbed the Great DJ Brawl of '07.

Now, I was not there, so this is all second and third hand info that I have pieced together regarding what happened next..... but regardless of the disputed facts, it was still some effed up shyt. Allegedly, The Ex went over to the DJ booth (which sits up a few stairs near the entrance to the bar) and said something flippant to Limelight along the lines of "So are you fucking her too?" (he had this obsession with thinking that I was having relations with every single man in my life and could not grasp the idea that I did not leave him for another man, I left him because of who he is) and possibly some other stuff. You cannot talk crazy to a grown ass man and expect him just to take it, so off come the headphones and a confrontation ensues outside the bar. More words exchanged, blah blah blah, and supposedly The Ex does a move that I consider hella disrespectful..... the single finger forehead push. Aw man. Game Over. A skirmish breaks out between The Ex and Limelight with Limelight hitting The Ex and knocking him to the ground, and somehow DJ Metrognome gets into the fray trying to pull The Ex and Limelight apart. It was over very quickly, but the fact remains that "Dude, you got knocked the fuck out by the DJ."

Ok, so it wasn't really a "brawl", but the reason I call it such is because afterwards I get a call from my ex-mother-in-law, whooping and hollering at me about how I had my friends "jump" her son. He told my dad the same thing. Time out, let me explain a crucial fact: The Ex is a good 6'4", 280-300 lbs..... Limelight is probably 150, 160 max, soaking wet with nickels in his pockets. Same with Metrognome. Dude was obviously trying to save face after getting knocked by a dude half his size. The Ex has a totally different version of the story (more along the lines of the "I got jumped" theory) and doesn't understand why Limelight would ever possibly "attack" him. Well, besides the fact that you can't go up to and blatantly disrespect a grown ass man in his "house", he also witnessed you hit his home girl in public and you threatened to kill his best friend just a few months prior...... those facts alone are grounds for a beat down. This isn't the south side where you can intimidate people and get away with idle threats just because you're big and black. And I'm not buying his "I coulda fuck him up if I wanted to" bullshit. Whatever.

That following Thursday when I saw my two musical heroes they were all patched up with Hello Kitty band-aids on their elbows and forearms, and I ended up coming up off of $300 to replace Limelight's damaged kicks and jeans (cuz I felt bad for the bitchassed behavior of my not-quite-ex). And my boys still look out for me to this day, ready to have any MF who gets fresh with me tossed out on his arse. (And people wonder why I *heart* my DJs so much.)

So at that point, I knew it was time to do something..... the next day I was down at the clerk's office filing my petition and my appearance because this was just pure madness. Only too bad the drama didn't stop there..... oh yes, it was just the beginning.

Extraordinarily Human

(originally posted Saturday, December 30, 2006)

"Illnesses of mood distort and magnify what is human; they do not destroy it." -- Elliot Pearlman, Seven Types of Ambiguity

My friends who know me well are aware that I've had almost a lifelong struggle with clinical depression. I don't broadcast it to the general public, but it's not a state secret, either. Part of the reason for that is because I believe that there needs to be more awareness of mental health issues such as these, and that depression should not be stigmatized as a weakness of character, but rather a health condition just like diabetes or high blood pressure.... something that merely must be dealt with and treated, not ignored and swept under the rug. Because trying to be "strong" and pretending that nothing is wrong has consequences not only to the individual dealing with the issue, but everyone else around them.

Nature and Nurture are very powerful influences, but the combination creates ironclad habits and behaviors that are damn near impossible to break. The reason that I can firmly say that my depression is clinical is because damn near all my family members deal with it-- mom, grandma, siblings, uncle.... we all deal with it to some degree. But because people don't acknowldege that this is not normal, not healthy, it is the sort of thing that becomes normal, so that all the behaviors and symptoms just become what is taught to the next generation. I attribute most of my social anxiety to my mom (yea, it's always mom's fault.... I'm bracing myself for that). I can only think of one friend that my mom had over the years, and that was our next door neighbor that moved away when I was 6. Nobody ever came over to our house to visit; mom never had shopping outings with girlfriends. I never learned how to interact with people. So take that compounded with the chemical anxiety and depression, and you've got the recipe for one messed up chica. I now have to fight through those feelings of wanting to retreat and run away.... but I don't know how so I have to make it up as I go along. But [The Ex] is always telling me about some social faux pas that I've committed that tends to come off as rude and aloof, and I honestly am not trying to be such.

Sometimes I feel angry and frustrated and defeated..... tired of being "not normal" and just wanting to be comfortable in my skin and around others and not be the social freak that I feel like most of the time. I know a small level of social anxiety is normal (oddly, though, I don't have that much problem with public speaking.... I smashed that fear long ago), but, like the quote above, I feel that this has been maginfied in me. And it's big and heavy. And sometimes I just get tired.

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FOLLOW UP COMMENTARY:

At the time I wrote that post, I had resigned myself to accept the fact that my depression was 95% chemical and that life factors were not playing that great of a role. After all, I had the "perfect" life...... marriage to a man who was crazy about me, 2 gorgeous well behaved kids, the "dream job" that every lawyer (who didn't know any better) wanted, a house, a dog, and all those other things that were outward signs of success. What did I have to be depressed about? Yet I was sad, anxious, depressed, and medicated to the hilt just so I could function.

Recently, however, and thankfully due to circumstances beyond my control (or else I wouldn't have done it otherwise), I've had to stop taking my "meds". I saw this coming so I gradually stepped down my dosages (PSA Note: Never EVER stop antidepressants cold turkey. That is a dangerous no no. And really it should be supervised by a doctor) and I discovered that, huh, I'm ok. Better than ok. For the first time in a LONG time, I feel like me. My silly nature has returned, I'm able write more, I'm able to interact with people easier and life just feels BETTER. I was conversing with The Ex the other day and he was expressing how he was worried about me with regards to this issue, and I had to cut him off and let him know that no, I don't need those meds anymore. *Pause* Him: "Oh, so you get rid of me and you're not depressed anymore?" Me: "Basically." He then made a snide comment about how a male friend of mine(who he assumes is my boo) just must be making me that happy, and I had to correct him with a quickness.

No, my joy and contentment comes from within. I realized long ago that the only person responsible for my happiness is ME, and that happiness is a factor of perception and attitude. I am not an overly religious person, but the Serenity Prayer is one that I take to heart. I decided to make some changes in my life--some extremely difficult, scary changes--and it seems to have served me well. I can't help but notice that since I left two situations that caused me great amounts of internal turmoil-- my job and my marriage-- I've been able to find so much more peace and joy, even amongst situations that have been FAR from the "pefection" that I supposedly had at the time I originally wrote that post. I think that's more than just coincidence.

The Fact Is......

Another one of my pre-divorce musings that shed a wee bit of light on "what happened?" (originally posted Monday, July 24, 2006.... coincidentally, our anniversary):

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I can pay my own light bill baby
Pump my own gas in my own car
I can buy my own shoe collection
I've been blessed thus far
I can kill the spider over my bed
Although it's hard because I'm scared
I can even stain and polyurethane
But some things just don't change
I need you yeah
Sometimes so hard to say oh
I need you
Some things remain

I could buy my own groceries baby
Get my hair tight, my nails right
I can floss my own bling bling
Write the words to the songs I sing
I can even raise the child we'll make
Make sure he's loved and knows what God gave us
I can teach him how to walk and stand
But he needs you to help him be a man
We need you
So hard to say
We need you
Some things don't change

I could be congresswoman
Or a garbage woman or
Police officer, or a carpenter
I could be a doctor and a lawyer and a mother and a
Good-God-woman-what-you-done-to-me
Kind of lover I'll be
I could be a computer analyst, the Queen with the nappy hair raising her fist
Or, I could be much more and a myriad of this
Hot as the summer, sweet as the first kiss
And even though I can do all these things
I need you
And even though I can do all these things
We need you
We need you
We need you
And even though I can do all these things by my damn self
I need you...

~Jill Scott "The Fact Is (I Need You)"

Interesting segment on the Today Show this morning regarding whether successful, otherwise independent women still want a man to "take care" of them. However, this did NOT deal with the financial aspect of things, but rather having a "handyman".... a guy that can fix things, kill things, and just "take care" of things.

As I put on my makeup (late, again, because that's when these "relationship" segments come on) I heard the psychologist saying that when men do these sorts of things for women, there's something masculine about this, which in turn makes us feel more feminine. Sometimes it's nice to set down the hard role for a minute and be the damsel in distress. They also talked about men being confused over when they should and shouldn't "assert" this masculinity, but that women are equally confused. Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! is what went off in my head. [My Ex] grumbled something about "well, if women would come home and cook for their man...." and blah, blah, blah. I'm not getting into this "If he/she would, then I...." blame crap.

Like Jill says in her song, even though I could do all these things "by my damn self", there is something about a man doing those things that is appealing, even if its not necessary. I get frustrated when I have to hook up the satellite receiver and the DVD player.... not because I struggle with it, but it's, well (and I hate that this thought is coming out of my head) it's a man's job. There are just certain things around the house that are traditionally taken care of by men and some things taken care of by women (and I'm not talking about chores, but the more non-routine things). I don't expect my husband to pick out curtains or buy kitchen utensils or house plants (not that I do most of those things.... but we'll get to that issue later); likewise I don't want to have to fix the toilet, unclog the bathtub, repair the doorknob, or fertilize the lawn. He shouldn't have to go to Bed Bath & Beyond and I shouldn't have to go to Home Depot. Again, like Jill says "I can kill the spider over my bed/Although its hard because I'm scared...."

I think maybe this idea appeals to me because I am attracted to masculinity, period, and one thing I LOVE is to see a man working and handling business and doing "manly things." Men crying is not a turn on for me.... I'm not that type of chick. I may have mentioned my fetish for shirt/tie/cuff link combinations.... I think its because if a man is dressed to the nines, he's got some business to take care of. I also loved when [The Ex] was a construction worker, seeing him in his concrete spattered jeans and white t-shirt and hard hat.... a nice looking construction worker will still catch my eye. But it's not just attire.... it's seeing a man handling business on the phone, or in a meeting, or engaging in work related conversation (NOT talking about him droning on and on and on to me about what he does). It's probably a good thing I'm not a litigator because I'd surely one day commit malpractice due to watching opposing counsel do his thing.

So this idea translates to the home, and is probably a product, for me anyway, of how I grew up. My dad fixes EVERYTHING; he has a table saw in the garage, numerous power tools, and a snake for the toilet....and the infamous grey toolkit. Growing up, that was my example of a man. But, you may say, roles mean NOTHING.... women make more than men, men cook for the kids, etc. Which is why I agree with the psychologists' assessment that we are ALL confused.

Nevertheless, I still proffer, even at the risk of my words being used against me at a later time (say, around 7pm), that the concept of "roles" is not completely dead. Sure I could manage to do everything (even though I admittedly don't even seem to manage the "woman" things.... see all my work related blogs) it's just nice sometimes to hear "Honey, I'll take care of that toilet/doorknob/giant patch of weeds/3 feet of snow......" It makes you feel cared for, which is what they were talking about on the Today Show about being "taken care of." If I can locate a child's clothing, the remote control, AND your underwear without even stepping foot downstairs, you can put some caulk on the sink.

I'm not attempting to address ALL the issues involved in the modern day relationship, but just this one eenie-weenie aspect: I like men to do man things because it's masculine and I like masculinity. Chivalry may be dead, but masculinity is not.

If you love something, set it free.....

I recently received a comment to one of my postings (anonymous..... I don't know why I allow them because I'd prefer to know who I'm dialoging with, but since I'm all about open discourse I know that some people are more comfortable under the cloak of anonymity) and at the end it stated "Maybe his next wife will do him better", as the author of the comment assumed that I did not abide by the Golden Rule and treat my Ex as I wanted to be treated. That's not so. At least, up until the end it wasn't.

Diagnosing what "went wrong" in a relationship leading up to divorce can't be explained in 27 blog postings..... it would take an entire VOLUME, a box set, a LIBRARY to explain. And yes, I've thus far focused on the things that he's done wrong (cuz it's my blog, dammit). But I will be the first to admit that I wasn't a perfect wife, whatever that means, because to me that is an extremely subjective standard that is nuanced in every unique relationship. Like all most relationships, things are always great in the beginning. You could probably ask My Ex right now if I was a "good wife" up until a few years ago, and I'm confident that he'd tell you yes. But after so much disappointment, changing, pressures, and general mind-fuckery, anyone will begin to crack a bit. Over the years, one of my ways of coping with what I felt was a disregard of my feelings and wishes and needs was to develop a shell of a "Fuckit" mentality.... I wasn't about to let him control how I felt. So if he wanted to go out and hang with his buddies and smoke all night even though I asked him not to, I wasn't going to sit and stew over it. Fuckit. If he wanted to go to the strip club with his buddies even though we were getting low on funds before payday, I wasn't gonna let myself get bent out of shape. Fuckit. If every day for a week his buddies were at my house playing Playstation while I was alone upstairs, no worries. Fuckit. After awhile though, that Fuckit mentality regarding things that made me upset began to bleed over into other areas of our relationship and my feelings toward him, until it became a general sense of disinterest and disregard altogether. Love perished in the face of just trying to cope and exist.

I knew before we separated that our marriage was over..... at least, it was there languishing on life support. I just didn't have the requisite type and level of love that I felt was necessary to maintain a marriage. Did I have love for him? Yes. But the Love wasn't there. And I know that love in a marriage ebbs and flows, but this was different. I could feel the void. And hard as I tried, I couldn't fill it back up. I will be the first to admit that I did not handle the demise of our relationship well.... there was a lot of running, a lot of self-distraction, a lot of denial that something was wrong. Avoidance is not the answer, loved ones. I could also feel, even see, ourselves lapsing into the ways of my parents (as our parents are our teachers, good or bad, of how to conduct a relationship) which was just a lot of negativity and dislike. And it frightened me.

So back to the original statement: "Maybe his next wife will do him better." And I wholeheartedly agree. One of the hardest things to admit to My Ex was the fact that I just could not love him in the way that he wanted and deserved to be loved. And the converse of that is true as well. We just weren't the same people that we were when we first got together in the High School cafeteria, weren't the same people who shared vows in the little wedding chapel in Broadripple, weren't the same people that we were when I stepped foot through the doors of the law school. Or at least let me speak for myself..... I was not the same person. And I realize now that the person I am now would not have tolerated much of what I did back then, and therein lies at least one of the problems. Bottom line, though, it's hard to expect a person to like the same things and have the same interests and goals and priorities at 28 that they did at 15. The odds were already stacked against us in that respect.

Despite his shortcomings and mistakes, I know that my Ex is a good man. He's just not the good man for ME. And despite my shortcomings and mistakes (some a helluva lot worse than others, but we all make them) I know that I will eventually be a good wife to someone else. ("Given me the chance.... I know I'll make the perfect wife....." From my most favorite song, BTW) But together, it just wasn't happening. So one of my motivations for separating and divorcing my Ex was so that he could find someone that loves him in the way he deserves to be loved, someone more compatable with him than I am, someone who could better tolerate his idiosyncracies and the person that he is. I've always said that Love is all about finding someone who can put up with your unique combination of bullshit..... because nobody is perfect, and we all have our "ways". In a way, under all the frustration and pissedoffedness that I'm experiencing right now, I still do love my Ex. And for that reason I wish him all the love and happiness in the world. Just as he does for me.

Seeing the head naked of its skull

Being divorced and having joint custody of children gives a girl a lot of alone time to think and reflect and contemplate and soul search. Over the past year, I've realized just how much of an impact, paticularly negative impact, that The Ex had on my confidence and self esteem. Finally being able to step back from the situation and compare pre- and post-relationship has allowed me to see this.

I am in the process of reading the book "Their Eyes Were Watching God" by Zora Neale Hurston, which is regarded as a classic and great work of African-American literature. (I'm only half way through it, but can already say it was a great $6 find at Half-Price Books.) There's a part where the main character, Janie Starks, realizes that her husband Jody's constant criticisms of her are merely a cover up for his own short-comings (in this particular instance, growing older). "If he thought to deceive her, he was wrong. For the first time she could see a man's head naked of its skull. Saw the cunning thoughts race in and out through the caves and promontories of his mind long before they darted out the tunnel of his mouth." That passage struck a chord with me, and as I was reading it I saw myself as Janie and my Ex as Jody.

As outwardly supportive as my Ex was of me and my accomplishments, and as much as he said he didn't mind that I had more education and income than he did, there was always that part of him that tried to tear me down. Questioning my judgment, my sanity, my intellect, making me feel smaller, bringing me down a few notches from where he perceived me to be. Always trying to tell me what I was doing wrong in my job and my career and acting like he knew all the answers to navigating my profession, when in reality people IN the profession have trouble navigating it. The first time I really realized that this had been something constant throughout our relationship was when I was having lunch with my "study buddy" from law school, and she said "Yea, I remember you coming into the study room one day talking about how he was always treating you like you were stupid" but that I'd said it in kind of an off-hand way, just small talk before we got into studying. That was 6 years ago when that conversation occurred in that study room, and I didn't remember it at all. I now realize that it was just one of those things that I subconsciously accepted as true..... I was just book smart and that's it. But in hindsight I realize that the seemingly small and minor comments that he made to me were designed to make him feel needed..... like I'd be lost without him, when in reality it was the other way around. I began to see his head naked of his skull. Yes, his words said he didn't care that his wife was more professionally accomplished, but his actions and behaviors said otherwise, and such insecurity manifested itself in other ways.

Even though I now consciously recognize when my Ex is trying to bring me down, old habits die hard and things he says still get to me. Now it comes in the form of him questioning my parenting skills, my attention to my children, my career choices, my personal and dating life (or what he thinks he knows of it, which is nothing but the rumors he's dumb enough to allow messy and malicious people to bring to him). It's never overt, and is usually cloaked in an "I'm just trying to help you out" fascade. But he knows how to push my buttons, knows which words will cut the deepest and sting the longest. And they still hurt. That's always been his modus operandi..... his response to his own hurt is to deliberately hurt others worse. Just like Jody in the book. The ones who know and love us the best are the ones capable of hurting us the most.

Every day I grow stronger, though.... I'm learning to trust myself more, listen to myself, respect the validity of my thoughts and feelings that have been marginalized and minimized for so many years. It's a process and a journey that's far from complete, but I'm getting there.

Mourning at weddings

As I've stated before, I know that it is unrealistic to expect that the feelings you have about your significant other will always be as strong and passionate as the day you met/married them..... love in marriages ebbs and flows. But what happens when it flows out and doesn't flow back?? I'm sure you can guess.

These were some thoughts I had a little less than I year before I got separated.....

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(Originally posted Sunday July 23, 2006)

Yesterday evening I went to a wedding... not just a wedding, but one of THE weddings that signifies the coming of Armageddon-- one of The Ex's friends from high school actually tied the knot (and yes, I went to church today so I can start getting myself right). The whole thing was beautiful, yet very simple.... my favorite types of weddings because the focus is on the love of the couple and not the flowers, the bridesmaid dresses, the decorations. God must be very pleased with their union because they couldn't have asked for a more perfect day for an outdoor wedding (The groom's dad only gave one specific thank you, and that was to whoever sacraficed the goat to have such a perfect day).

I usually cry at weddings (for whatever odd reason people cry at weddings) but I didn't at this one. I made sure I held it in because I knew that once I started, I wouldn't be able to stop. I think a lot of people cry with tears of happiness; however, the tears that I worked to hold back (and had to go to the bathroom a few times to wrestle with in private) were tears of sadness, tears of loss. My heart melted (or did it fracture?) as the bride and groom danced their first dance together as husband and wife to Stevie Wonder's "Overjoyed" and as the groom danced with is beautiful new wife, he sang along in her ear.....

While I was very happy for The Ex's friend and his bride and all of their friends and family, was sad for myself. Somewhere between July 24, 1999 and July 23, 2006, something got lost along the way, and I'm reminded of it when I go to weddings and see the happiness and hope on the faces of the bride and groom. Somewhere amongst raising kids and working and paying bills and the daily struggles of just trying to get along with a person besides yourself, I think love can slip through the cracks into a dark corner, alone and forgotten. Then marriage just becomes a matter of maintaining.... all your efforts go into keeping the ship in one piece and keeping the damn thing afloat, so that you forget why you got on the ship in the first place and its just a matter of trying not to drown in the middle of the ocean.

I wish I could go back and find that feeling.... or is it just normal for it to be gone? I wouldn't know.... although my parents are still together, and both my grandmothers were married until the day my grandfathers died (same day, about 4 years apart; coincidentally my dad's birthday... bummer) none of the 3 couples were/are happy. My grandparents fought incessantly; I remember my grandparents refusing to ride in the same car to church, my grandmother complaining about having to cook breakfast for "that skinny-ass man"; it was often a tense environment, even though I only saw each of them at most twice a year growing up. Same with my parents....when they are actually getting along, I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. But they stayed together. Is life and marriage just supposed to be miserable like that in order to reap the "benefits" of marriage? I hope not, because I can't live that way the rest of my life.

I don't want to be a person who is in love with being in love.... that's just not a viable and realistic way to live life. But I also shouldn't feel so irritated, so "just leave me alone and quit bothering me", so lacking in affection. I'm tired of being pulled in directions I don't want to go and have to go through the motions just to keep the peace. Tired of being misunderstood, but not even understanding myself what I'm looking for. I just don't know.... I've got nobody to guide me. I'm just tired of mourning at weddings.

Picking your battles (a story about control)

The number 1 question I get after I tell people that I am recently divorced is "Why/what happened?" The answer to that is way more complicated than I care to wrap my brain around at that particular moment, so my rote answer is "We just grew apart." But it's way deeper than that. So here's another peek into my pre-divorce mind that sheds a wee bit of light on the question of "Why?"......

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Friday October 6, 2006


So I'm sitting here at the computer, head stuck in the hot inferno that is my hair dryer, trying to convince my locs that, yes, you SHOULD be curly tomorrow, and hoping this setting lotion is as good as the lady at Sally's said it is. It's Friday night, the jump-off night for one of the biggest "holiday" weekends of the year.... that's right, Circle City Classic.

"But why Boss Lady*," you ask.... "Why are you sitting at home in solitude after your friends have been asking you on e-mail, text message, MySpace and personally whether and where you'd be out tonight, and while all your friends are kickin' it??" And the answer is..... I gotta pick my battles.

When I opt to go out, I have to go through a complex cost/benefit analysis, weighing how much fun I'm likely to have at a particular event versus which one of the seven types of hell I'm going to have to go through at home to get there, and what amount of shit I'm gonna get when I come back in the door, added/subtracted/divided by the number of times I've been out and the number of times he's been out. It's really quite pitiful, and causes me a lot more angst than I'd really like to deal with, but there are times, like tonight, where I'm just too fucking tired to hear it.

"But Boss Lady," you ask, "you said you're home in SOLITUDE! WTF? If he doesn't want you OUT, isn't that because he wants to spend time with you??" Well, loved ones, its because I have a lot more lax view of the world than some people. I say "Go... have a good time. I'll see you in the morning" and I do my thing (like wash and roll my hair, watch Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle, and create a new slideshow for my profile page). Contrast that with being told that folk REFUSE to come home and serve as my "babysitter" so I can go socialize with friends..... even though folk don't like the club and have to be pushed out the door. But I'm here in SOLITUDE.... so it's not about wanting me home to spend time with me, it's about not wanting me OUT. And, loved ones, that irks me to no end.

The problem in this situation is that the the world landscape has changed drastically..... as it should when people mature.... and things have flip-flopped and turned on their heads. And that's a hard thing to deal with. But instead of embracing change and adapting, some people FIGHT change..... But I learned a LONG time ago that fighting the change is just that...... fighting. And it gets old, and tiring, so there's just no point.... go find something more productive to do than sit around and stew in your own anger, and don't cause drama, because who wants to be around a drama queen?? Certainly not me......

Anyway, back to.... um..... I guess there was really nothing to get back to. Oh, you may ask how he is a "babysitter" and I'm just here with Miss Thang**? Dunno.... it's one of those great mysteries of the world that women everywhere ponder.

But ya know.... its all good. I was able to get my hair in order, watch Top Model with the girl, do the slideshow I tried to do for like 2 hours last night, and I won't have a hangover in the morning that will cut into my festivities that will begin at 4pm-ish and continue for the next 12 hours. I've got my Tylenol PM, my.... uh..... um.... yea, that, and the peace of mind of knowing that I'm one of the coolest effing women a man could ask to have with regards to the desire for autonomy, and because of that, I'm just chillin' tonight.

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*Boss Lady was my nickname that my "work spouses" gave to me because I was the first "work wife" to our "day husband"..... if you're not a fan of the show Big Love, then I'm sorry, you may not get it.

**Our then 7 year old. Don't ask me where the 12 year old was. Out kickin' it or some ish..... he tends to have more of a social life than I do.

Predictions of change (kind of eerie)

Saturday April 28th, 2007 is when the excrement hit the air conditioning with my marriage..... that day was a VERY VERY VERY bad day and was The Beginning of The End. I'm not going to go into the details of that night now, but I came across this post that I wrote 3 days before that day. Kind of eerie.......

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Wednesday April 25th, 2007

I usually don't post before work, but I'm kinda feeling like.... yea. That. No, not that.... the other thing. Sensing winds of change coming, the tense and uncomfortable, yet comforting, anticipation of transition. Sure things change all the time, but there are those junctures in your life where everything makes a seismic shift. Who are those scientists who predict earthquakes?? *doing quick research* Oh yea, seismologists (duh)..... but seismologists say there's no way to accurately predict when an earthquake is coming, but the animals can.... they know everything before we do. So yea, I feel like that..... like something is coming, something big, and I better brace myself...... but I can't tell you how, when, where or how big or how long.

I feel certain connections with people slipping away.... not leaving my life, but dimishing in their role, while others move to the forfront. It hurts a little, but the prospect of new experiences is exciting.... if not a little daunting, just because it means I'm starting anew, and I will admit that I have a slight phobia of the new. Certain things I think have just run their unnaturally natural course..... and I guess I have to be fine with that. Nothing lasts forever.

Other things I know are done, over, finished, and I'm just biding my time waiting for the next thign to come along so I can shed and cleanse myself of such old, hurtful things. Waiting..... searching.....

Still others I know that I'm going to have to grip my hands around and manually wrest them into another form, because their current form is not working. These are what I'm most scared of, because I'm afraid of making the wrong move, making the wrong change......

So tears for the old, smiles for the new..... it's all life I suppose.... My friend of many many many years said at our class reunion last saturday that our cells completely replenish every 7 years, so basically every 7 years we are essentially a completely different person. Yea, I think that's right on time......

There've been times that I've thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long time coming
But I know a change is gonna come

~Sam Cooke

Love vs. Respect

I think there's a misconception that love is the most important factor in a relationship. While there are many, many elements that are necessary for a successful long term relationship (in my novice opinion), I think the most important element is RESPECT. Once respect is gone, everything else follows suit. Respect is what causes you to to considerate, respect is what causes you not to cause hurt and pain to your significant other (hereinafter referred to as "S.O."), respect is what makes you care and want to be the best you can be for your S.O.

I think Machivelli had it right when he said that he would rather be respected than loved (or rather, have respect based on fear rather than love... but whatever); love is fickle, respect is more enduring. Because I'll tell you a secret about "love" in marriages and other long-term relationships: it ebbs and flows, rises and falls like the tide, and unless you have something stronger than love... which has to be MIGHTY strong... to anchor you down, the ship that is your relationship will go right out to sea with it, or end up washed up and stuck on the beach.

Just think about other relationships with people. I'm sure everyone knows that person at work who may be the most callous asshole on the face of the earth, just a cantankerous SOB.... but he/she is extremely well respected. You aren't going to do wrong by that person because of that respect. That respect is stronger than the like or dislike of the person. There's a scene at the end of Anchorman where Ron Burgundy is climbing out of bear pit (after Baxter saves him and Veronica Corningstone), and Wes Mantooth (Vince Vaughn... I love him) grabs the ladder, seemingly about to push Ron back into the bear pit and be rid of him once and for all. But then he sets the ladder back down and says: "I hate you more than anyone else on Earth, Ron Burgundy. But damn it, I respect you!" and gently kisses him on the forehead. Now THAT is the power of respect.

But you may say "Hey! What about trust?? That's pretty damn important too!" Agreed.... but I see trust as a subset of respect. When you trust a person, that is a form of respect.... respect for their word. So that takes care of that.

So, ask me which I'd rather have: Love or Respect? If I had to pick one, I'd choose the latter. I don't want to be the lovable idiot who's never taken seriously. But to make a serious relationship work, you gotta have both.... but you gotta, gotta, GOTTA have respect as that anchor. So don't ask me what happens when respect is lacking, or how to find it if it's come up missing.... if you have any ideas, fill me in.

(Originally posted May 29, 2006)

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Well, I found out what happens when respect is lacking...... PEOPLE CHEAT! More about that another time, loved ones.......

"And we're still together!"

This morning I woke up rather early (for me) and sat in my bed looking around bewildered, and my eyes stopped on two pictures of my grandparents in their youth that are stuck above my bulletin board. My grandparents stayed together til the end--that is, until my grandfather died of a heart attack, which I've heard family members say in anger that it was because my grandmother stressed him to death. I thought back to my childhood when I'd go visit my grandparents and how every night, without fail, a huge argument would break out between them and I'd end up shuttled off to my cousin's house to stay with them. That is how I remember my grandparents. Then I started thinking about my own parents, and the scenario hasn't been much better.

Not saying that I blame my parents and grandparents for my divorce, but experiencing all that growing up did not help the cause any and, well, just didn't give me much incentive to stay married. Troubled couples tend to stay together "for the kids", but as a child of two generations of "intact" famlies, I say you can keep that shit. I've been walking on eggshells my whole life, waiting for the next melee to pop off. I wouldn't know what a normal, happy marriage looked like even if it walked up and bit me on the nose. And let me clarify that there was no violence or abuse involved, just lots of tension in the air and arguing and conflict. And it wasn't all bad all the time, but the negative definitely had an impact on me to the point where I wake up 20 years later and think about it and feel it in my soul (I'm tense right now just thinking about it). Honestly, there are times when I wish my parents would have gone their separate ways to go seek their happiness somewhere else, because it seemed like they weren't finding it there. Not that I am not grateful that they stuck it out, but I will definitely say it made an impact on me.

So...... on to the main event. I wrote this blog back in 2006 (pre-separation obviously) and wanted to repost it just to demonstrate that divorce is one of those things that's a long time coming, and you can't point to one thing that "caused" the divorce (though stay tuned because I might one day discuss The Beginning of The End..... I just don't think I'm ready for that yet) and it's not something that you just wake up and decide to do. You can hear the distant rumblings before the storm hits, and here's one of those rumbles:

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After countless surveys asking the question, I think I've finally come up with what my greatest fear is: growing into an old woman who can't stand her spouse. If you're friends with me, I'm sure you're old enough to remember the skit from In Living Color with Mr. and Mrs. Brooks, the old married couple that had been together for 50 years, but continuously and unsuccessfully tried to kill each other..... "And we're still together!"

In Living Color - Mr. and Mrs. Brooks (sorry about the commercial... just be patient, it's worth it)


I think this happens more than we'd like to acknowledge. I think both sets of my grandparents despised each other as much as they loved each other..... I rarely heard my grandmas talk fondly of my grandfathers until they were both dead. And I've heard of or seen other couples who, while they're still together, they don't treat each other very well. You love the person, but, well..... you just don't like 'em very much. And, if you're constantly on the brink of killing each other, is being able to say that you've been together for 50 years really worth it??

I see it with my own parents all the time..... today was a perfect example. My dad got taken to the hospital at 1am last night because he couldn't breathe.... turns out his blood pressure was way high because he hadn't been taking his medicine (bad daddy!!). My mother doesn't call to tell me about it until THIRTEEN HOURS later and tells me "Your dad's in the hospital again. I'm going home because I haven't had any sleep" and she just sounded irritated more than worried. I asked my dad if she was coming back up there, and he just shrugged. I know what it was..... she was mad because he inconvenienced her. I believe my mother loves my dad in some way, but there's just no compassion, no consideration, none of what makes a relationship enjoyable and not just something that you tolerate or that makes life a little easier (for financial reasons, child rearing, someone to talk to, whatever). One of my very good friends told me that he viewed marriage as a business.... I told him that was a fucked up attitude and that he'd be divorced within a year.... turns out my prediction was true, but I'm starting to wonder....... maybe you have to view it that way in order to make it work.

Let's be real here...... 30, 40, 50 years is a looooong ass time. And like Andre 3000 told Erykah's momma: "Forever never seemed that long until you're grown" and as Machiavelli observed, Love between humans is unreliable and fickle, and Love is perishable. Anyone who's been in a long term relationship know that "love" and "work" go hand in hand. So it's easy to see that the odds are stacked against enduring love. Sad, but real. That is not to say that we are all doomed to end up in loveless, old beat down marriages..... but it just shouldn't be surprising that people do.

I'm only 28, so I don't know shyt about shit about relationships. But if I had to put some money on one side or the other, I'd say it is worth it from the perspective of keeping family units whole, which typically creates more stability in a person's life. Maybe the key is just being real and having real expectations from the person you're with. If you're constantly measuring your mate against the person that they should be, they're going to be a constant disappointment, and it's no wonder that you can't stand them after 30 years.

I don't know what it takes to have a long, happy relationship.... maybe it just takes the stars being aligned just right (seems like Saturday I was having a very drunken conversation where someone talked about the "stars being aligned" and I started pontificating on how the universe is expanding and stars move, and the Big Bang theory and all that..... if that convo was with you, it really DID make sense at the time..... but I think whoever it was said they couldn't stand my ass..... LOL!) or maybe it's just luck. But I just know I don't want to be stuck in that relationship purgatory, teetering on that thin line between love and hate.

(originally posted September 18, 2006)