The League of Evil Exes

(No, I didn't die or get sucked into a vortex.... I GOT ENGAGED!!  I also got a job where writing is 83.5% of my day, so it's like a chef that doesn't quite feel like cooking gourmet meals for herself at home.  But, more about that later.....I hope.)

I had a rather awkward experience at my daughter's basketball game today.  I was sitting on the bleachers with my fiance, minding our own business, when in walks my ex-husband with his baby momma and proceeds to walk all the way down to where we were sitting.  Then around half time, in walks his ex (let's call her First Ex), with whom he cheated on with and had a baby with Baby Momma, and she too proceeds to come all the way down to the end of the bleachers and sit right next to me.  She was the first relationship he had right after our divorce and they dated for a few years, so she is very close to my children (thus why she was even at the game).  She and I are friendly towards each other; our daughters are about the same age and are sisterly toward each other, and I'm not the one to unnecessarily burn bridges, so I guess you could say we are cool.  Baby Momma, on the other hand, HATES this particular ex, and pretty much hates me because she felt like I was taking her and my ex-husband's "side" when they were going through all their back and forth issues.  Um, I had nothing to do with any of that, despite the fact that Baby Momma tried to drag me into it against my will.

So here I am, wedged between First Ex and Ex-Husband and Baby Momma.  Aw-kw-ard.  And of course I'm talking to First Ex, because like I said, we are cool, and she's sitting right next to me.  But understanding human nature, I know she still had some bitterness leftover toward the Baby Momma situation, and by her sitting there being friendly with me, I know that also probably brought up some negativity in Baby Momma since she accused me (and my then 12 year old child) of taking sides against her.  Not that I allowed it to change my behavior-- after all, I am happily engaged to the man who I believe I was supposed to be spending my life with-- but I started to get a very pawn-like feeling as I sat there and watched my now almost 15 year old play basketball.

 I don't to be a part of The League of Evil Exes

One of my most favorite movies is Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.  If you haven't seen this fantastically odd piece of movie goodness (which I have seen at least 100 times), basically it's about a guy who has to fight and defeat, video game style, his girlfriend's Seven Evil Exes in order to have a relationship with her.  The seven exes have formed a "league" that has agreed to fight Scott.   As art often imitates life, I have seen time and time again where the exes of a guy will later become friends, whether or not its for the purpose of engaging in "He ain't shit!" sessions or just because they have something in common.  Either way, that's just not my style. Not only do I not want to be out here fighting my ex-husband's current girlfriend, I also have zero desire to form my own League of Evil Exes.

Over the past 6 years, I've been friendly toward my ex-husband's girlfriends, just because there's really no reason not to be, but I was never interested in becoming BFFs with them when they broke up and/or get together to talk shit about him.  Baby Momma tried that with me when she broke up with my ex-husband the first (second?) time, and I wasn't having it.  There is no need for us to become close friends premised solely on the fact that we used to date the same person and now realize the error of our ways.  First Ex and I have more in common than just my ex-husband both professionally and personally, so I don't have a problem being social with her, but we never talk about him.  Now, his most recent girlfriend (whom he kicked out of his house around the holidays and then promptly got back with Baby Momma), we really have nothing in common.  Again, we were cordial toward each other, but there is really no reason for me to be friends with her after the fact.

I really hope I was reading more into that situation today than what it was, because I don't like feeling like a pawn in the game of emotional chess.  But whether it was intentional or not, that's how I felt.  Other women may bond with their ex's exes, but personally I want no part of the League of Evil Exes.

Why don't you just GO AWAY??

Anyone who has been married or in a long-term relationship may have encountered this problem: your ex just will not go away and get out of your life as thoroughly as you would like them to. While you are in the relationship, it is ideal for your mate and your family to have a good, fairly close relationship. However, what happens when your relationship ends? What happens to her shopping trips with your sister, or his Sunday Night Football games with your brother? What do you do when your ex is lurking around on Facebook, commenting on your niece's dance recital photos, asking your cousin how her new baby is doing, or swapping inside jokes with your dad? This is particularly troublesome in divorce situations, when your family was, at some point, actually their family, and your family members weren't privy to all of the things that made you hate this individual to the point where you wanted to relationship to end.

These actions by themselves are a major annoyance to you, but then when you start dating again and develop a serious relationship with someone else, the problem becomes tenfold. I am actually experiencing this problem right now, and am somewhat at a loss as to how to address it. For one, no matter how serious I believe my relationship with my beau (of 4 years) to be, we are still at the status of boyfriend and girlfriend, not engaged or married, so the seriousness of our relationship could conceivably (if not realistically) be questioned. Perhaps my family is reluctant to completely cut ties with this person in favor of someone who, as far as they are concerned, could be gone next week. Now, I am exaggerating a bit; I know my family realizes that, after 4 years, my beau is more than just a passing fling to me, but I do think there may be something to be said about the "official-ness" of our relationship (or lack thereof).  Part of me feels like such a confrontation would be premature, and perhaps I need to just wait it out and the problem will take care of itself.

Secondly, I think a major driving factor behind all this is my ex himself. From what I can assess on Facebook, my siblings, cousins and friends aren't really reaching out to him; he is the one lurking and interjecting himself into their lives. (My parents are a bit of a different matter; I am convinced that they are pretty much clueless as to how anything makes me feel, and often go out of their way (in my mind) to still do things for and interact with my ex, presumably for the sake of my kids, but who actually knows). I really think he does this on purpose, to assert his perceived "status" among the members of my family, as opposed to my beau's new and growing relationship with my family. I know what you all are thinking: Just say something to your ex and tell him to leave your family alone. Yes, loved ones, I have already thought about this, but it is one of those situations where as soon as you let someone know that something they are doing annoys you, it only prompts them to childishly do it more because their mission is being accomplished. I feel like the moment I say something, I will just get that shitty little smug laugh that makes me want to punch him in the face, and my Facebook notifications from him will go through the roof. I just don't want to give him that satisfaction. I personally don't deal with his family at all by my own choice, but perhaps because I was never much attached to them in the first place.

What I cannot understand is how the ex's current boo-thang tolerates all of this. If I were her, I would want him to be focused on establishing a new life and connections with me and my family, not trying to hold onto the family of a chick who kicked him to the curb and going out of his way to remain a relevant factor among her people. If I saw my beau chumming it up with his ex's family members, I would be highly irritated and would have probably said something to him myself. But, for whatever reason, whether it's because she doesn't care or because he doesn't care that she cares (knowing him, probably the latter), her protests (or lack thereof) have had no impact on the situation.

All I know is that something must be done, and I have the uncomfortable feeling that it is not going to be pleasant or pretty when it does go down. I am trying to figure out a way to handle this tactfully and effectively in a way that doesn't make me seem like the Petty Bitch. After all, I do still have children with this person, so some level of civility must be maintained, but I also must protect my beau's feelings and usher in the New World Order in which he and I are (or eventually will be) a new family unit, and demand respect for that status. The fact that people have not figured this out on their own and changed their behavior accordingly already tells me that this will be a confrontation, not a conversation. Or perhaps I am blowing this out of proportion, and all that is needed is for me to shed a soft, gentle light on the situation. Or perhaps we just need to adjust our reaction to the situation and see it for what it really is: a pathetic, displaced man who is outside in the cold trying to peer in, and hasn't quite figured out that he just need to keep it moving.

For now I am just biding my time, plotting my strategy, and waiting for the appropriate circular stone-encrusted metal object with which to strike. But I still wonder... am I just overreacting? Is my ex stepping over the line? Is my family stepping over the line by not drawing a line? I just don't want this to be a problem that gets dragged into my new life and festers as resentment toward my family,or becomes a big ugly blow up that levels everything in its path. I just want my ex to go away and get his own new life and family, and leave mine the hell alone.

Evolution

"You've changed."

Of course I have changed.  I am no longer the sad, frustrated, misunderstood, repressed individual that you knew back then.  I no longer have to pretend that I want a life that I am clearly unhappy with; clear to everyone but myself.  I have found the peace of self-acceptance and the courage to want more.

"You've changed."

Of course I have changed.  I am older, more experienced, wiser.  I have seen the errors in my ways and have worked hard to correct them.  I have been consumed by the fires of life and rose from the ashes like a phoenix.  My new crown of locs is my plumage, not an act of vanity. My mistakes do not repeat. 

"You've changed."

Of course I have changed.  I am now with someone who loves me for me, not who he wants me to be.  I have been allowed to be at peace with myself, to be comfortable in my own skin, to rejoice in my idiosyncrasies.  I no longer have to hide or shove myself into ill fitting spaces, just to appease you.

"You've changed."

Of course I have changed. As I age I am more concerned about my physical and mental well-being.  I am conscious of the foods I put into my body, and I want my kids to have healthy, well-balanced meals.  I have someone who inspires and encourages me to stay active.  I refuse to let myself go.

"You've changed."

Of course I have changed.  My children are older, they are becoming individuals.  I cannot parent them as I did when they were small.  They need more guidance, order and structure, and I have to wield a firmer hand at 13 than I did at 3.  My kids may not like it, but they love and respect me for it.

"You've changed."

Of course I have changed.  I have realized that my "dream job" was always someone else's dream, and I stopped thinking of myself as a failure for not wanting the dream that you wanted for me.  I am relieved that I no longer have to provide anyone else with unearned status and legitimacy.    

"You've changed."

Of course I have changed.  We all should change.  Nobody should remain in the same station in life as they were at 17, 23, or 29.  We should all want more, want better, make adjustments, correct errors, build upon life.  You will not keep me down on your level by stifling and criticizing my personal growth.

"You've changed."

No, I have not changed.... I have evolved.

Open Letter to my Parents

Dear Parental Units,

I think we need to have a little chat. I realize that divorce doesn't just affect the couple and the kids, but involves everyone in the family. You get used to having someone around for 14 years and then all the sudden they have been cut out of the picture and you may not even be privy to the reasons why (though if you cared, you would ask and try to understand....but you didn't). In somewhat fairness to you guys, this is exactly what happened. What makes it even more complex is that you, and especially dad, had to be parent figures to The Ex in a more literal sense than just that of in-laws since we had been together since we were 15 years old, he didn't have his dad around and had a mother who was too busy going to the gambling boat and to the Caribbean to pay him much mind. I understand all of that, and I understand that for whatever reason, you might actually still like this person that I now try my hardest to only slightly loathe. After all, you were not there when he was making bad choices for our household, treating me like I was an idiot, putting holes in my walls, spending my money indiscriminately like he was the one who graduated from law school and was earning the majority of the money, disregarding my feelings, and just generally not being a good match for me when I finally grew up and became my own person (a person which I'm sure you don't really even know). But things have changed, and I need for you to recognize that. I know it may be harder for you to cut him out of your lives than it has been for me, and that you may still have some sort of affection for this individual.

But hello.... hi.... remember me, your actual flesh and blood daughter??

I wish you would get a clue and realize that I am no longer married, have not been married in over 3 years, and thus my ex husband is no longer your son-in-law. I wish you would realize that, hey, I am your daughter and thus your loyalties should lie with me, not him. I wish you would recognize that I have moved on and have someone new in my life that I love and who will eventually (hopefully) become your new son-in-law soon. I wish you would realize that this person and I no longer get along. But no, you constantly desire to disregard and step on toes and disrespect and not realize there is a new world order and that everyone needs to get with the program. It was bad enough that you weren't there for me while I was actually going through the divorce, but this has gone on long enough and needs to STOP.

That time when dad came to Son's football game and walked right past me and my beau to go sit with The Ex, his mother and her boyfriend, and his new baby momma without saying hi to us, then later coming to sit with us toward the end of the game?? Not cool. Talking and laughing it up when we're at Daughter's cheerleading competition and hardly acknowledging The Beau's and my presence?? Not gonna cut it. Dad involving himself in the middle of a misunderstanding between The Ex and The Beau that The Ex should have just been able to handle himself like any other real man would do?? Nu-uhh.

Mom, though you never wanted to acknowledge it with us, you of all people know how this divorce thing works and the feelings involved and the changes that must be made to the family structure. How would you have felt if Grandma and Grandpa had ignored and disregarded Dad, and every time you turned around they were being chummy with my sister's father? Dad, how would you feel if they always acted like you weren't now the most important man in Mom's life? Neither one of you would have liked that scenario, so why can't I get the same consideration?

Now, I do realize that I am not yet remarried, and perhaps that is why you have been slow to make changes. But c'mon, Mom and Dad, it has been three years that The Beau and I have been together. Obviously this isn't just a passing fling. I do not want to have to wait until after I am married and have a huge blow up in order to make you realize that how you have been acting is not cool. Our family already isn't the closest, and I do not want this to be an unnecessary reason for causing more distance between us. Do you want to be part of my new life and eventually my new family? Yes? Well, some changes are going to need to happen first.

I guess I am just going to have to make my feelings explicit, and hopefully this time you will actually pay attention to me instead of just changing the subject. Perhaps for once you will try to understand me and change you actions because you actually do care how I feel. Maybe.

Love,
Your Daughter

P.S. Please pass this along to The Ex: "Stay the fuck away from my family.They are not your family anymore, so quit trying to involve yourself, quit calling my dad for advice or to "tattle" on me, quit trying to act like I didn't kick your ass to the curb for good reason. Your voice grates on my nerves like a thousand nails on a chalkboard and I wish you would shut up with your incessant talking. Quit stalking my family on Facebook and asking me about people's new jobs or babies, because they are absolutely none of your concern. I didn't need your words of sympathy when my favorite artist died, because you only liked her because I liked her, and I really don't care that you regret never getting to see her in concert. And PLEASE STOP with the.attempts to go down memory lane every single fucking time you speak to me. I'm sick of hearing "Remember that time when we...." No, I probably don't because I was miserable with you back then, even before I realized it, so my brain has selectively blocked out much of my past. You have your own new little family now that you had even before the divorce decree was signed. And why don't you go try to be a daddy to that baby you accidentally brought into this world with some other random chick instead of meddling in my world? You have a helluva lot of other things in your life to worry about besides what's going on in mine and my family's. I don't know what you are trying to do or prove, but all the proof that is needed is that divorce decree, my new last name, and the fact that I have moved on with someone else who loves me the way that I need and deserve to be loved. Go away. You are not wanted or needed. You lose. Good day."

Divorcees..... damaged goods?

We have all met this person, or are related to this person, or have heard of this person..... the (wo)man who has been married and divorced 4 times, can't manage to stay in a marriage for more than 3 years, are ready to jump the broom again before the ink is even dry on the previous divorce decree; the serial spouse.  I think we can all agree that, more likely than not, he or she is doing something wrong when it comes to the state of holy matrimony.

But what about people like me?  People who may have just not married the right person that first time around for whatever reason.  Is there an automatic assumption about people in that situation that they must not be marriage material, that the failure of their marriage is proof of their lack of spouse potential?  Are we, in fact, damaged goods?

I (think) I had a conversation about this at an engagement party a few weeks ago (there was a lot of sangria involved, so details are fuzzy).  The conversation started out discussing the appropriate age for marriage-- young vs. older-- but as a divorcee over the age of 30, I had to put my two cents in regarding those of us who have already been down the aisle (and back) once.  Not only did I advocate that you should wait til after the age of 25 to do anything permanent (marriage, kids, tattoos) I also state the case that a divorce is not necessarily the mark of failure, but the mark of experience.  Sometimes knowing what doesn't work is just as important as knowing what does.  It's like learning to drive.... you may know the basics of gas, brake, turn signal, slow down on curves, but you may not know how to get yourself out of a snow bank unless you've actually run into, and had to get out of, one.  I know that simply pushing down the gas pedal doesn't work. I've learned from experience (and a little advice from mom, i.e. an experienced snow driver) that rocking the car back and forth in forward and reverse does..... but only AFTER I drove into said snow bank.

I have spent the last 2 years doing a lot of self reflection (mostly on this blog) to figure out what went wrong, how might I have reacted better to problems, and what can I do better in the future.  I see little utility in playing the blame game and thinking up all the reasons why your ex is to blame for all the evils in the world the demise of your relationship. Since the only person you can change and control is yourself, it is best to focus on the things that YOU can change about YOU, because in most divorces where the cause was "irreconcilable differences" both parties played a part in its undoing to some extent.  His or her admission of fault or change does nothing for your future relationships.

For example.... I am a rug sweeper.  Instead of addressing issues as they arose, I would always back down and sweep the issue under the rug instead of saying my piece, just to keep peace.  This then led to an unhealthy level of distraction seeking, which, again, instead of facing the issue, I found ways to distract myself from thinking about them.  I'm sure there are many others (which I've recounted elsewhere in this blog on many occasions), but you get the idea.  Now I make a conscious effort not to sweep so much under the rug (though I also know that not every issue is worth going to the mat on) and try and express myself more so I don't wind up in the same mess I was in before repeating the same mistakes.

I'd like to think of myself as being battle tested, and though I've had a few casualties, I think I've come away with some valuable lessons for the future. I know that every little (or big) fight isn't the end of the world, that you should have some "untouchable" subject matters and rules for fighting because you will HAVE to see this MF later that night and the next day, that every day isn't roses and earth shattering orgasms candle light dinners, that you may have days (or even weeks) where you just don't LIKE the other person, but that doesn't mean that the love isn't there and it's time to ditch the relationship.

I think many single people are afraid of marriage because it is harder to jump ship at any sign of trouble.  At least with someone who has been married before you know that they at least abandoned that fear once and they know how painful it is to get out.  Personally, I never want to go through that ever again.... been there, done that, don't want another t-shirt.  So the next time I get married, I'm going to do everything I can so I don't have to.

So for all my fellow divorcee's out there, don't get down on yourselves as you head back out into the dating world.  And to anyone out there who may meet a divorcee, don't automatically assume that he or she must not know how marriage works.  Most of us know exactly how it works..... AND how it doesn't.

How Love Works: Divorce from a Kid's Perspective

I'm not 110% certain that this was actually written by a child (you never know with things you receive in e-mail chains), but the message is the same nonetheless. Kids see, feel and experience much more than you think they do, and this is especially important to remember when it comes to divorce. The following is hilarious..... but not. Enjoy.

Fin.

Not going down without a fight (a lesson in creditor's rights)

*DISCLAIMER: This post is not intended to be legal advice. Please seek out the assistance of qualified counsel if you need assistance in this area. Or figure it out yourself and do it pro se.... but remember what they say, "He who is always his own lawyer will often have a fool for his client."

One of my many Adventures in Divorce has been the experience of serving as my own legal counsel. I initially filed my petition for divorce pro se, though I eventually hired an attorney once The Ex started clownin' and doing ish like sending me interrogatories and requesting custody evaluations (which cost upwards of $15,000).... even after I hired a divorce attorney, I still played a major role in drafting my settlement agreement, which is very much like what I'd imagine drafting your own obituary would be like...... Then I had the experience of filing my own contempt motion when this fool refused to pay for all the things he agreed to pay for in the divorce settlement. Please keep in mind, although I am an attorney, I am not a family law attorney, nor am I a litigator..... I'm a business attorney, a paper pusher, the chick that drafts the contracts that get signed and put away in an old file until the shit hits the fan and clients have to pull it out to see what everyone is supposed to be doing and isn't. There is a very large and distinct difference there.

So my latest hat that I've had to don in the legal arena has been that of a bankruptcy/creditor's rights attorney, with me as the creditor. Although The Ex had signed our divorce decree and agreed to be responsible for certain debts (an extremely MINOR portion of the debt at that) he had no intention of ever paying it and had already expressed that he was just going to file bankruptcy and leave me stuck with EVERYTHING. Yea, he's a real man's man. And for once in his life, he was true to his word and filed bankruptcy, attempting to leave me with 2 credit cards, all of a second mortgage, and the deficiency on his car that he couldn't pay for and got repossessed (and which is now wrapped into MY car loan because of cross-collateralization, meaning my car will NOT be paid off next year as anticipated..... I just gotta *woo sah* on that one). Fuck. That. So, being the incredibly smart cookie I am, I did a little research, and this is what I found:

"11 U.S.C. § 523(a)(15), was changed to state that any obligation 'to a spouse,former spouse, or child of the debtor and not of the kind described in paragraph(5) [“domestic support obligations”], that is incurred by the debtor in thecourse of a divorce or separation or in connection with a separation agreement,divorce decree or other order of a court of record, or a determination made in accordance with State or territorial law by a government unit is not dischargeable.' This is a very dramatic change which, in effect, states that any obligations coming from a dissolution judgment or separation agreement are not dischargeable in bankruptcy."

I told this fool this before he ever filed for bankruptcy -- even e-mailed him the relevant sections of the bankruptcy code, effectively doing the work of his attorney for him-- but still he included me as a creditor to be discharged just like the rest of the lot. If I haven't already made this abundantly clear by now, The Ex isn't very bright, and part of his not-very-brightness results in him consistently underestimating my intelligence and tenacity. I wasn't going to take this shyt lying down and I let him know this.

But...... I had no effing CLUE about anything to do with bankruptcy or creditors rights. I had about 3 months to figure it out, though. I asked people at work, and nobody knew. I asked a friend who is a creditors rights attorney at a Big Firm, and he didn't know (he didn't deal with consumer bankruptcies). I scoured the net, but all I could find was information for debtors wanting to file bankruptcy; nothing for creditors like me. As the May 4th deadline approached, panic started to set in.... I was going to get stuck with about $17,000 worth of debt that he was supposed to be responsible for. I didn't want to hire an attorney and pay him/her $1000 to possible still get nothing..... after all, I was only trying to get a determination that my debt was no dischargeable, it would not have been an order to pay..... that would come with the contempt orders. But finally, on May 3rd I found it.... some convoluted instructions and forms on how to file an adversary proceeding on the court website (don't ask me why my very-smart-yet-dumb ass didn't go to the bankruptcy court's website to begin with). Complaint, cover sheet, summons.... it was all there with instructions (albeit not very clear instructions that I couldn't imagine making any sense to a lay person, because they barely made sense to me as a non-litigator attorney).

I got all my forms filled out and printed off, and took them to the bankruptcy clerk's office the next day. I walked up to the window and told them that I was there to file an adversary proceeding. The lady looked at me like I was nuts. Apparently, they don't get to many adversary complaints in their office because it took 4 women to figure out how to get my documents filed. Twenty minutes and $250 later (yes, filing fee was two-fitty) I had my case filed and skipped down the courthouse steps and went to work. And yes $250 was worth it to me to show him that I was NOT about to let him screw me over once again.

I guess The Ex got the summons about a week and a half later, because when my beau and I were at Son's football bingo night fundraiser we had a bit of an, uh, incident. The whole story is complete hilarium and is best saved for another post, but basically my beau was cordial and said hi to The Ex and his mother, and The Ex responded by coming over to where we were sitting, leaning over and saying "I could be cordial to you if you would quit fucking suing me." Wholly unnecessary. I told him not to get mad because I wasn't taking this shyt lying down and I was asserting my rights, and that he should have figured out a long time ago that I'm the wrong person to try and screw over from a legal perspective (Ms. Cum Laude law grad..... *a-hem*).

So this is my [non-legal] advice to anyone who has gone through a divorce and your ex later tries to file bankruptcy and leave you with all the debt....... according to the bankruptcy code, those debts are not dischargeable. This includes child support and spousal support obligations as well. I HIGHLY recommend seeking out the assistance of an attorney if you find yourself lumped in with the rest of your ex's creditors in a bankruptcy filing, because most likely his/her attorney will go ahead and do it because, as I stated earlier, not too many people challenge this. This is not something that the bankruptcy court will determine on its own.... you MUST file what is called an adversary complaint or adversary proceeding, which is basically a lawsuit within the bankruptcy, and the court then determines whether your ex's financial obligations to you are dischargeable.

I must clarify, though..... the bankruptcy will discharge your ex's obligations to the creditors themselves, but not to you. For example, let's say you had a joint Visa account and your ex agreed to pay off this account after the divorce. He/she then files bankruptcy. His/Her obligations to Visa will be discharged (meaning that Visa can no longer go after him/her) but you will still be on the hook as a joint debtor. However, this is where the non-dischargeability comes in.... you may still have to pay Visa, but you can then go back after your ex and have them pay you back (this is called indemnification..... you should definitely have indemnification provisions in your divorce settlement agreement). Visa is barred from attempting to collect this debt (that's what discharge means) but you are not.

I am still waiting to see what is going to happen in my case. I'm still within the 30 day window for him (i.e. his attorney) to file an answer to my complaint, and then I'm not really sure what happens after that. I'm hoping and praying that I am correct in my research and conclusions. But at least I can say I tried, and I didn't just roll over and concede defeat. At the very least, I'm satisfied with the fact that he had to come out of pocket additional money for his attorney, because things like this are not included in a flat fee bankruptcy case. But more importantly, I stood up for myself. Nope, I'm not going down without a fight.

"As the parties may agree....."

"...as the parties may agree." ~ Page 6, Line 4 of my divorce settlement agreement.

This one little phrase is both a blessing and a curse when it comes to divorce decrees, particularly as it relates to child custody and support arrangements. First, I must say that negotiating a divorce settlement agreement is one of the most stressful, frustrating, and emotionally draining endeavors in life. There's a lot of quibbling just for the sake of quibbling, a lot of leveraging, many threats (both real and totally bogus) and it just wears you out. Even if you feel like you are competent and intelligent, I highly recommend having someone else do the heavy lifting for you (I'm an attorney and it was even a bit much for me, more so from an emotional standpoint than an intellectual one.... it's like writing your own eulogy. Not fun).

There is much debate over whether the State Parenting Guidelines are fair and reasonable, and whether it would just be better to work it out between the two parents and forget all the court involvement. Yea, that SOUNDS like a good idea, until you try and put it into practice. The phrase "as the parties may agree" only works when that last little word actually occurs.... AGREE. I'm sorry to tell you, loved ones, there's not much of this going on when you are newly divorced. I'm not even talking about things that are or are not in the best interests of the child(ren)..... even assuming that both parents do what's best for their kids, there's a whole lot of other room to make things difficult on the parents.

Example: The State Parenting Guidelines state that whichever parent is receiving the child to begin their parenting time is responsible for pick up, and such pick up is to occur at 6:00pm. So that means when The Ex is to have my daughter for the weekend, he is supposed to pick her up at 6pm on Friday, and I pick her up from him at 6pm on Sunday. Now throw "as the parties may agree" into the mix. Now it becomes "Can you drop Daughter off to me at 7:36 pm over in the Target parking lot? I can't come pick her up" or "I'm not sure what time I'm going to be there, probably around 6:45" and he shows up at 7:45 because I told him I have to be somewhere at 7:00 and he assumes that it's for a date (when that wasn't even the case at all.... not that it should have even mattered). So then I'm less inclined to stick to the 6pm guideline and make him work around whatever I've got going on..... you see what a mess this becomes? And I go through this every single weekend on both Friday AND Sunday (because my son stays with him and my daughter stays with me, we each get both kids every other weekend). And I don't even want to THINK about how we are going to divvy up the holidays, though I need to start having that convo with The Ex ASAP.......

Contrast this with my friend who gets his son every other weekend. He and his son's mother meet at the same place at the same time every other Friday and Sunday. He knows which holidays are his and which holidays are hers. I'm quite sure it has it's drawbacks, but the key appealing factor from my perspective is PREDICTABILITY. When you know what is to occur when, you can plan around it.... you're not constantly trying to hit a moving target suspended from the emotional whims of the other person. If he or she gets mad at you, the rules and guidelines don't change. They're all there in black and white, no debate over interpretation, follow the court order and go on with life.

In hindsight, I wish I would have been more specific in my divorce settlement agreement and left that troublesome little phrase out. I think I took off my contract attorney hat and pushed it a little too far away (plus I was just trying to get things over with). Contracts aren't for when things are going well, they are for when things go WRONG, and there is SO much that can go wrong when dealing with co-parenting arrangements and divorce. The less gray area you leave, the better. Even if you don't like the State Parenting Guidelines, it's best to go ahead and spell out your own just as specifically and detailed as the State Guidelines are..... pick up and drop off dates, holiday schedules, school break schedules, etc. Because just leaving it to "as the parties may agree" leaves you stuck with no recourse when you aren't able to agree.

Do it by the book, loved ones...... do it by the book.



**NOTE** After I wrote this, I went to go pick up Son from The Ex, 2 days early because he's on fall break (which he didn't tell me about until, um, yesterday afternoon.... luckily I hadn't taken an assignment that would have had me working through the weekend). The Ex told me he'd be ready at 9:00pm. Ex calls around 8 and asks me if I've made dinner because he hasn't fed Son yet (????) and was debating on whether to start dinner.... I tell him I already have dinner ready and waiting. I get out to The Ex's girlfriend's house (again, where he lives) at the appointed time (9pm) and send my daughter up to the door.... she comes back and says "[Son] is eating." DAMMIT IF YOU SAY YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE HIM READY AT 9, HAVE HIM READY AT 9!!! Needless to say, I was a little PO'd for having to sit out in front of this woman's house waiting for this child to finish dinner when I'd already discussed the issue an hour before. And I was hungry, which makes me cranky. But this is EXACTLY the mess I'm talking about......

"I play my (fr)enemies like a game of chess....."

Frenemy.

1. A person who does not treat a friend as friend but more like a enemy.
2. A "friend" who really doesn't like you, nor you like she, yet you are drawn together by some sick dramatic bond.
3. An enemy disguised as a friend.

"What do you think about frenemies?"
"I say, keep your friends close, and your frenemies closer"

During the course of my separation and divorce, I've discovered that many of my so-called friends are not friends at all, but rather frenemies. These are the individuals who are often the most concerned, the most sympathetic, the most willing to be that shoulder to cry on. In reality, though, they are using your pain and turmoil for their own sick amusement, like their own personal reality TV show, and/or so they can be "in the know" and have the most information so they can run back to their circles and have the best "scoop" on your situation, thus increasing their own status amongst their peers (and often yours).

You can detect a friend's frenemy status in a number of ways:

1. You and the person weren't really that close before your personal drama, but then all the sudden they are offering you their phone numbers, e-mail addresses, instant message usernames, MySpace profile names, and inviting you over to their house, telling you to contact them ANYTIME you need to talk.

2. Amongst your group of friends, they are constantly gossiping about the one person who is not present at any given time. Also, they often start conversations with "Have you heard what happened to so-and-so??" Chances are they are talking about you when you are not around, too.

3. The question to listening ratio is disproportionate, and the questions are about details that really aren't critical to what you are talking about. Asking questions is usually a sign that a person is truly interested and concerned and wants to have the most information so that they can help you out the best. Not so with frenemies..... they want the most information so that they are the most "in the know".

The Ex is completely oblivious to the concept of frenemies and will blather on to anyone who will listen every single detail of our relationship, from our first meeting in the high school cafeteria freshman year til the last conversation we had on Monday. (I basically had the woman in the loan department of our credit union repeat back to me my life story on the phone once.) And much to my dismay, the person he chose to confide in and cry to during our divorce is a mutal friend of ours who is one of the most open people in the city (i.e. he tells all his own business so has NO problem telling yours) AND, on top of that, knows damn near everyone in the city, AND has no problem embelishing facts when not enough are provided. *holds head in hands* I tried to tell The Ex that this was not the best idea in the world, and that maybe he should just call a relative (which he was doing as well...... I paid the $1600 cell phone bill to prove it), but he just could not stop calling this man and going to his house and hanging out over drinks crying to him. I count this person amongst my friends, but I also recognize that in this respect, he has frenemy tendencies.

One interesting and unfortunate side effect of confiding in frenemies is that the information starts to flow both ways, and not in a good way. I was constantly getting upset calls from The Ex talking about so-and-so saw me out somewhere with this person doing XYZ, or they heard this or that about me and what I've been doing, and 95% of it was complete speculative inaccurate bullshit. I would just laugh at him, tell him to quit being stupid enough to entertain these fools, and that he needs to find better sources. Frenemies want to seem like they are contributing something to their parasitic relationship, so they come back with this "information" to share like some cat bringing you a dead, mangled bird as thanks for feeding it Fancy Feast every day. Don't fall for it.

In order to compesate for the flood of information that I knew was flowing through the streets like Lake Pontchartrain after Hurricane Katrina, I basically dropped off the face of the Earth for awhile (and really still haven't gotten myself back on). I quit going to functions, quit my involvement in professional organizations, and only hung out in places and with people with no ties to my former life. I basically decided to lay low for awhile. I also adopted a rote answer for when people would ask me about "what happened?" when it came to my divorce: "We just grew apart." I didn't volunteer information or try to put my side of things out there. Whatever people were going to say, they were going to say and there was nothing I could do about it. Trying to state my case would just add more fuel to the fire, so I decided to just let it die out on its own.

However, I wasn't totally passive when it came to these types of frenemies. Sometimes I would share info knowing it was going to get back to a certain person, and therefore would put the spin on it that I wanted (in true lawyer fashion). Thus, I was able to use my frenemies by being cognizant of their nature, and use this to my advantage instead of my detriment by not falling for their false concern. As Lauryn sez, "I play my enemies like a game of chess......."

So, if you are going through a divorce (or any type of major personal drama), be careful about who you let into your life and what you say to these people. That person who tries hardest to be there for you may be the worst person for you.

Only Sometimes......

Sometimes I wish......
that I could've been a better actress
and went through the motions
to convinced myself to love him

~Me