Why don't you just GO AWAY??

Anyone who has been married or in a long-term relationship may have encountered this problem: your ex just will not go away and get out of your life as thoroughly as you would like them to. While you are in the relationship, it is ideal for your mate and your family to have a good, fairly close relationship. However, what happens when your relationship ends? What happens to her shopping trips with your sister, or his Sunday Night Football games with your brother? What do you do when your ex is lurking around on Facebook, commenting on your niece's dance recital photos, asking your cousin how her new baby is doing, or swapping inside jokes with your dad? This is particularly troublesome in divorce situations, when your family was, at some point, actually their family, and your family members weren't privy to all of the things that made you hate this individual to the point where you wanted to relationship to end.

These actions by themselves are a major annoyance to you, but then when you start dating again and develop a serious relationship with someone else, the problem becomes tenfold. I am actually experiencing this problem right now, and am somewhat at a loss as to how to address it. For one, no matter how serious I believe my relationship with my beau (of 4 years) to be, we are still at the status of boyfriend and girlfriend, not engaged or married, so the seriousness of our relationship could conceivably (if not realistically) be questioned. Perhaps my family is reluctant to completely cut ties with this person in favor of someone who, as far as they are concerned, could be gone next week. Now, I am exaggerating a bit; I know my family realizes that, after 4 years, my beau is more than just a passing fling to me, but I do think there may be something to be said about the "official-ness" of our relationship (or lack thereof).  Part of me feels like such a confrontation would be premature, and perhaps I need to just wait it out and the problem will take care of itself.

Secondly, I think a major driving factor behind all this is my ex himself. From what I can assess on Facebook, my siblings, cousins and friends aren't really reaching out to him; he is the one lurking and interjecting himself into their lives. (My parents are a bit of a different matter; I am convinced that they are pretty much clueless as to how anything makes me feel, and often go out of their way (in my mind) to still do things for and interact with my ex, presumably for the sake of my kids, but who actually knows). I really think he does this on purpose, to assert his perceived "status" among the members of my family, as opposed to my beau's new and growing relationship with my family. I know what you all are thinking: Just say something to your ex and tell him to leave your family alone. Yes, loved ones, I have already thought about this, but it is one of those situations where as soon as you let someone know that something they are doing annoys you, it only prompts them to childishly do it more because their mission is being accomplished. I feel like the moment I say something, I will just get that shitty little smug laugh that makes me want to punch him in the face, and my Facebook notifications from him will go through the roof. I just don't want to give him that satisfaction. I personally don't deal with his family at all by my own choice, but perhaps because I was never much attached to them in the first place.

What I cannot understand is how the ex's current boo-thang tolerates all of this. If I were her, I would want him to be focused on establishing a new life and connections with me and my family, not trying to hold onto the family of a chick who kicked him to the curb and going out of his way to remain a relevant factor among her people. If I saw my beau chumming it up with his ex's family members, I would be highly irritated and would have probably said something to him myself. But, for whatever reason, whether it's because she doesn't care or because he doesn't care that she cares (knowing him, probably the latter), her protests (or lack thereof) have had no impact on the situation.

All I know is that something must be done, and I have the uncomfortable feeling that it is not going to be pleasant or pretty when it does go down. I am trying to figure out a way to handle this tactfully and effectively in a way that doesn't make me seem like the Petty Bitch. After all, I do still have children with this person, so some level of civility must be maintained, but I also must protect my beau's feelings and usher in the New World Order in which he and I are (or eventually will be) a new family unit, and demand respect for that status. The fact that people have not figured this out on their own and changed their behavior accordingly already tells me that this will be a confrontation, not a conversation. Or perhaps I am blowing this out of proportion, and all that is needed is for me to shed a soft, gentle light on the situation. Or perhaps we just need to adjust our reaction to the situation and see it for what it really is: a pathetic, displaced man who is outside in the cold trying to peer in, and hasn't quite figured out that he just need to keep it moving.

For now I am just biding my time, plotting my strategy, and waiting for the appropriate circular stone-encrusted metal object with which to strike. But I still wonder... am I just overreacting? Is my ex stepping over the line? Is my family stepping over the line by not drawing a line? I just don't want this to be a problem that gets dragged into my new life and festers as resentment toward my family,or becomes a big ugly blow up that levels everything in its path. I just want my ex to go away and get his own new life and family, and leave mine the hell alone.

Never grown enough for Grown Folks Stuff

As a parent, there are just some things that you don’t do when it comes to your kids. Whether your child is 3, 13 or 35, you just don’t put your child in the middle of your marital problems. That should be something you deal with between you and your spouse with as little involvement and input from your children as possible.

Apparently, my dad did not get that memo.

Yes, loved ones, for once I’m not talking about my own divorce here. And while my parents aren’t divorced, there are many times where I sure the hell wish they were just so I wouldn’t be subject to the boolsheet I was subject to last night.

The convo started out innocent enough…. My dad brought Daughter home and was telling me how they traded their timeshare in the Ozarks for some spot in Mexico and some cash…….

(First of all, this was upsetting enough. We’ve had that timeshare for almost 30 years and that was our family vacation every summer when I was growing up. I’d planned on FINALLY going back next year, so I was heartbroken to hear that they got rid of it.....)

Then he starts telling me WHY they got rid of it and how my mom threw a fit about it, which then led to more complaining, which then led him to asking me to step outside with him for a minute. My heart just sank because I knew what was coming. He starts telling me that he’s unhappy and she treats him like shit and how she’s always alienated him from his friends and family, and on and on and on and on with info that I really didn’t want or need to know. All I could do was stand there and look at the ground, saying nothing, and wait for him to finish. On the one hand I felt bad because I know he doesn’t have anyone to talk to, but then on the other I was angry because he doesn’t have anyone to talk to. Why does a 60 year old man who lives in his home town where all his family and friends live have NOBODY to vent to besides his 31 year old daughter?? But as he explained the history of their 35 year marriage for the umpteenth time I was reminded why, which then made me think about my own personal struggles with interpersonal relationships (including how their relationship was a HUGE deciding factor in my divorce decision), and overall just made me really angry that 1) my mother is the way she is, 2) my dad put up with it unchecked, and 3) I’m effed up because of it. My dad may have walked away feeling better for having gotten some things off his chest, but I felt (and still feel) like absolute crap. Now *I* am looking for somewhere to dump this shitty feeling…….

I think it’s easier to remember not to put your child in the middle of your relationship mess when they are young, because there’s that separation between “grown folks stuff” and “kid stuff”. Youth automatically serves as a buffer. However, when you get older and become an adult, that distinction no longer exists so parents feel like they can now talk to you about “grown folks stuff” not realizing and appreciating that some “stuff” is still best kept to yourself. When I was married, The Ex actually did take my dad aside once and told him to quit using me to vent to because it was causing me a lot of stress and grief…. For once he stepped up as a husband and protected me from something. But now, I’m back on my own with nobody with the authority to be that buffer and stand up to my dad on my behalf. And it sucks.

I mean, what can I really say in these situations?? I shouldn’t be EXPECTED to say anything in these situations, in which case it’s just a dumping session. Rule #1 to venting…. Do not vent to interested parties, or else it becomes a dump, not a vent. And as the child of the two individuals involved, I’d pretty much say I’m an interested party. I could not IMAGINE saying the same things to my children about The Ex that I say to my BFFs--or even the blogosphere--when I vent. Because I know it would hurt them to hear those things about someone they still love, yet they can’t come to his defense because then it seems like they are taking sides. No matter how grown they get, that’s still “grown folks stuff”.

I just wish my dad afforded me the same consideration and would leave me out of it.........

*le sigh*

Meeting the Fam

Memorial Day weekend was a major milestone for me and my relationship with my beau..... yes, I met The Family. *bites nails* It was really an unplanned event, as we had planned on making the formal introductions on June 27th at his sister's graduation. However, some events transpired the prior week that necessitated that I get away (*deep woo sah breath*), and my home girl in Detroit text'd me and said "You need to get away.....C'mon up here to The D", so I threw some clothes in a bag and went. My beau was already in the D visiting his family for his mother's birthday.... he'd driven up the day before to surprise her, so I decided to drive up there and surprise him.

(And boy was he surprised.... I called him and asked him where he and his boys were hanging out that night and told him I'd meet him there. He didn't believe me. But I sure did meet him outside the club. He kept saying the entire weekend "I can't believe you are here in the D!" I like surprises... giving and receiving.)

Before making my 5 hour drive, however, I had to grasp the realization that (1) I would be meeting his family for the first time (except for some uncles I met a few months ago) and (2) I was not in the best emotional state and they would be meeting me for the first time not at my very best. I needed to get away and get around some people, so I said eff it, I'm going.

Now what had me extra nervous was the fact that my beau is VERY close with his mother and 4 siblings, as well as a set of Godparents, and I..... well...... my family is about as tight as.... uh.... something not very tight [insert your own analogy here, cuz mine was terribly inappropriate]. I don't know what happened somewhere over the years, or generations, but something is just missing. It makes me sometimes feel like I was raised by wolves and am not quite sure how a normal family operates ("normal" being relative.... I'm talking about a comfortable, open relationship with family members.... or at least seeing and talking to each other more than just on major holidays/births/deaths/marriages). I was also nervous because it had been 16 years since I had to meet anyone's mother, and THAT didn't turn out too well.

I ended up meeting EVERYBODY in two days. I met his mother, 2 younger brothers, 1 of his younger sisters (the other doesn't live in town), his niece and nephew, his Godparents, his best friend, his Sands, and a few people he grew up with, plus a myriad of other related folks who were apparently all very anxious to meet me. I'll just state it plain and simple: I love his family. For once I didn't feel like an oddball weirdo..... not saying that they are oddball weirdos, but rather just not the mainstream, cliche norm. We went to a bowling fundraiser for his nephew and (damn near) EVERYONE there had locs and natural hair. Both his mother and his godmother we ecstatic that I had locs. His mother even gave me a professional massage (with patchouli scented oil which is one of my FAVORITE scents) AND broke out my beau's life story in pictures..... he said she's never done that for anyone else he's brought to the house. His mother and I have a lot in common, which is a huge relief and bodes well for the future, in my opinion (considering past experience with a mother who was my polar opposite).

All in all I think it went well, even though I wasn't quite feeling up to par, but I think they understood because my beau had explained what had transpired that previous week. It was just nice to see the "behind the scenes" of what and who helped shape and form the man that I get to interact with every day, and it just made me appreciate him that much more. And I'm very much looking forward to going back.

Family Smoothies

This past weekend I took my first "blended family" vacation.... a weekend trip to Washington D.C. to visit one of my BFFs. Actually it was more than just blended families.... it was a veritable family smoothie. I think we had every family scenario represented on this trip. Here's the rundown:

1. The Divorcee (i.e. Me) - I took my two kids, Son who is (almost) 15 and Daughter who is 10. I was married to their dad for 8 years, now divorced for 1.

2. The Single Dad - My beau has a son who is (almost) 8 who lives about three hours away. He's never been married, and he and his son's mother haven't been together since his son was a baby. We scooped him up on our way out to DC (even though it wasn't his weekend.... after much finagling and last minute kimfoolery on the part of BabyMomma, we were able to take him).

3. The Widower - My BFF's "partner" (but yes, he is a man.... she just hates the term "boyfriend" so we are stuck with this ill fitting and misleading label.... but forget labels, that's her love) is a widower. His wife died about 2 years ago and he is raising his two boys, ages 7 and 9. His deceased wife also had an older daughter, but she left to go live with other family after her mother died.

4. The Childless Single - My BFF has never been married and doesn't have any children of her own (much kudos to her). However, she has fully integrated herself into the boys' lives. She isn't sure if she wants any of her own biological kids (tho I think she's lying), but plays the mommy role better than I do (despite her protests that she doesn't know what she's doing).

5. The Foster Dad - We were able to (very) briefly meet up with a mutual friend and law school classmate of mine and my BFF who is currently a foster parent. He's divorced and has no children of his own, but last year he took in two boys, age 16 and 17 (which I TRULY commend.... how many single men do you know would take in damn-near-grown boys out of the foster system??).

I think the weekend went really well, despite trying to cram way to much into way too little time and trying to herd around 5 kids all over DC. The Cherry Blossom Festival was going on so it was a little crazy, but we managed to make it to the Japanese Cherry Blossom Street Fesitval, the National Museum of Natural History, saw a few monuments and landmarks (White House, WWII memorial, Washington Monument, etc.) and went to the Zoo. And because my Son came along, the adults were able to get out for some grown up fun at Lotus Saturday night..... all he wanted was to have his Xbox hooked up to the internet and he was good. All the kids got along wonderfully, and even Son, who is MUCH older than the other kids, had a good attitude and had a good time (I think).

Families come in all forms, shapes, sizes and make ups. Of course, the "ideal" is to have two people get married, have kids, raise them together and stay married til death do us part, but it doesn't always work out that way. And despite what The Ex may say on the subject, I think it's possible to have a loving family unit after divorce, single parenthood, or widowhood. It may take a little more effort (but what relationship DOESN'T take effort?) and a little more patience, but it is definitely a legitimate form of family. Forget form over substance.... what's important is love and how YOU choose to define "family".































(For an excellent resource on blended families, check out Blended Family Soap Opera. They also have a recent post about blended family vacations, and sometimes they feature my musings on the subject of divorce and parenting. You should check it out.)

Thanksgiving Recap: Little Sister to the Rescue

Thanksgiving.... probably my favorite holiday. It's a time to get together with friends and loved ones (which are one in the same for me) without all the commercialized BS and stress of Christmas. Plus I LOVE holiday food.... I may cook each dish individually throughout the year, but the combination of them all on one plate just makes me squirm with delight happy.

This year wasn't looking to be so great, though. Mom has been in the hospital, my siblings are scattered all around the country and my sisters had spent money to come visit mom in the hospital 2 weeks before the holiday, I am broke as a joke, and was sick as I don't know what. My beau was also stuck in town and couldn't go home to visit his family. And we both had our kids for the holiday this year. Plus this was the first year actually being DIVORCED. However, I REFUSED to take all this lying down and instead sprung into action to salvage what I could of the holiday.... yes, little sister stepped up and made an ENTIRE THANKSGIVING DINNER in 1 afternoon. I got up around 11am (I'd been out the night before.... good times, good times) went to the grocery store and then came home and got to work.

Here's what my menu consisted of:

Roast turkey breast and gravy
Spiral sliced ham (with brown sugar, orange and red wine glaze)
Collard greens (mixed with a bit of mustards and okra, made with turkey bacon)
Dressing (with turkey sausage)
Candied sweet potatoes (a family speciality)
Macaroni and cheese (with turkey bacon)
Cranberry sauce & mandarin oranges
And of course, my famous sweet potato pie (famous in my family anyway.... grandma gave me the recipe but always asks for mine)

By a stroke of luck/divine intervention/my mother's vehement insistence, my mother was able to come home Thanskgiving evening. I was soooo happy I had a meal for my parents to come home to, AND a meal she could actually eat. I didn't use pork in anything (well, except for the ham, but the ham was for my son at his insistence)..... turkey everything. I even made the sweet potato pies with Splenda (though not the candied sweet potatoes, because the sauce doesn't thicken up right without real sugar).

This was the first holiday meal I'd made entirely on my own and I was SO nervous that I was going to mess something up (ok, so I did burn a few pieces of sweet potato). But everyone was very pleased, and that made me very pleased, despite the fact that I was thoroughly exhausted by the end of the night and woke up feeling like microwaved death. I was a little irked because my sister had told me she was coming for Thanksgiving, but then called at 4pm to say she was coming Friday when I'd already made enough food for all fo them too........ *pause* But we ate up their share anyway (sorry fo ya, big sis).

It wasn't anything fancy or formal.... just me, the kids, Beau and his son sitting around wherever we could find a seat at my parents', eating on paper plates with plastic utensils. My parents didn't even eat with us because Dad was helping Mom get situated upstairs. Yea, we're not very formal, but we made it work. And I really must give myself a pat on the back for this one.... I stepped up and saved the day.