The Space Between

Disclaimer:  I love supporting local talent.  However, I only support local talent that I truly believe is great.... not by local standards, but by national standards.  Or my standards.  Which isn't always the same thing.  Bottom line, I will only support and endorse talent that I would have no problem telling a friend in D.C., or California, or Minnesota, to check out.  So, with that said.......

Click here to experience and download some great music

Bashiri Asad.....The Space Between.  I have been a fan of Bashiri for some time now.  I used to work across the street from the City Market where occasionally he and Xenobia Green would perform, and right before lunch time I could hear the music from across the street and immediately say "Ah, Bashiri is performing today!"  He is truly an Indianapolis gem.  He performs some amazing covers (because Indianapolis loves their cover performances) but his original work is equally impressive.  I was lucky enough to give a copy of his latest project, The Space Between, and have been thoroughly impressed.  This is definitely a CD that will stay in my car stereo and playing on my computer at work. 


If you are a fan of R&B, or soul, or neo-soul, or good music, or LOVE..... check out where love is really found......The Space Between.

Find Bahiri Asad here:
Web: Bashiri Asad
Twitter: @Bashiri08
Facebook:  http://www.facebook.com/bashiri.asad

My UPDATED Dating Personality

A few years ago, I took the highly entertaining, yet eerily accurate, OK Cupid Dating Persona Test, consisting of 32 "dating types" possible (16 male and 16 female) based on a 4 factor combination (Random vs. Deliberate, Gentle vs. Brutal, Sex vs. Love, Master vs. Dreamer). My result back then: The Playstation (Random Gentle Sex Master).  Admittedly, I was simultaneously in a very bad, but very fun, place. My overarching mentality was "fuckit". And my dating personality definitely reflected that.

Fast forward three years. I decided to take the Dating Personality Test again to see just where I am now. And the results are...... *drumroll please*

The Peach

Random Gentle Love Master (RGLM)

"Playful, kind, and well-loved, you are The Peach.

For such a warm-hearted, generous person, you’re surprisingly experienced in both love and sex. We credit your spontaneous side; you tend to live in the moment, and you don’t get bogged down by inhibitions like most women your age. If you see something wonderful, you confidently embrace it.
You are a fun flirt and an instant sweetheart, but our guess is you’re becoming more selective about long-term love. It’s getting tougher for you to become permanently attached; and a guy who’s in a different place emotionally might misunderstand your early enthusiasm. You can wreck someone simply by enjoying him.
Your ideal mate is adventurous and giving, like you. But not overly intense."





Your exact female opposite:
The Nymph - Deliberate Brutal Sex Dreamer

Consider:
The Loverboy (RGLM)
The Playboy (RGSM)
The Boy Next Door (RGLD)

Always Avoid:
The False Messiah (DBLM)

I am pretty pleased with the result.  I went from a Random Gentle Sex Master to Random Gentle Love Master.  I know that I have evolved over the years, but I was somewhat worried that I had changed way too much, gone "soft."  Apparently, not so.  I am still the same fun-loving, spontaneous, free-spirited person, but with one very important change:  "you’re becoming more selective about long-term love."  Being a Playstation was fun, life as a Peach is much, much more satisfying.

All's Fair in Love and War

Maybe she wasn't such a cootie queen after all.

History is always told from the perspective of the winner, not as it actually went down.  Our history books are all written in such a way that applauds the actions of the ones in control and condemns those of the loser.  This is simply one of the spoils of war; the winners get to tell the story the way they want it to be told, and very few actually question it.  This is not only the case in our civilization's history, but love as well. 

Some time last year a good friend of mine was telling me about a new guy she was kickin' it with.  He was a musician, handsome, sexy, and despite the fact that he was staying with her (temporarily til he found another place, supposedly), he had a girlfriend.  I told her run for your life, he's playing you as live-in booty while he plans a life with this chick, you're gonna get your feelings hurt.

Well, last week they got engaged.

There are two schools of thought when it comes to people who are in pre-marriage relationships:  One is that these people are in committed relationships and their relationship should be respected and left alone, and anyone who tries to interfere is just foul and dead wrong.  The other, which was best summed up by my mentor who was a notorious flirt, is "You're single until you're married."  In the Infinite Wisdom of my 20's (and by "Infinite Wisdom" I mean "I thought I had shit figured out and then I actually lived life and was proven terribly wrong") I was of the school of thought that the latter attitude was just awful and an excuse to sleep around for as long as possible.  And even still today I get irritated when someone persists in trying to holla even after I inform them that I have a boyfriend.  But my friend's good news got me thinking about whether this issue is as black and white, right vs. wrong, as I originally thought.

Take my friend as example.  When she first started "dating" her now fiance, 9 out of 10 disinterested women polled on the street would probably tell you she was being a scandalous scallywag for messing with someone else's man.  Now in hindsight though, I would merely have to say "She won."  The ultimate purpose of dating (for most people) is to find someone to build a life with, ideally to marry.  But the fact is that many people are in lackluster, half hearted relationships that they are holding onto for whatever reason, maybe because it's not bad but not really fantastic, or out of habit, or because that's what they think they want, or whatever.  If someone else comes along that is a better match, should they bypass it because of some sense of obligation to the lackluster relationship, or go forward and pursue greater happiness?  Should the interloper walk away from someone showing interest in them because that person is supposedly in a relationship which the interloper has no knowledge of its depth or complexity?

Let's take another example: my very own sister.  She dated a guy from high school for over 5 years, but then her junior or senior year of college she had another guy incessantly in her ear, calling her all the time over the summer, not really caring at all that she had a boyfriend.  That other guy is now my brother-in-law, they have 2 beautiful boys and a wonderful life together.  Had he abided by the "rules" and left my sister alone out of "respect" for her relationship with a guy who honestly was slipping, my sister would not have the life she has today.  My brother-in-law presented himself as the better option, plain and simple.  He won.

I'm not saying that anyone who is not married is 100% fair game and that the follow up question to "Yes, I'm seeing someone" should always be "But are you happy?" because really, that just comes off as rude and disrespectful.  I'm just making the observation that when it comes to love and dating, history rewrites itself such that seemingly questionable behavior all the sudden becomes justified and endearing.  I would be willing to bet that a great number of "how we met" stories involve the scenario "he/she was dating someone already, but I really wanted to get to know him/her" or some other reason why the situation wasn't exactly ideal at the time.  During none of the umpteen times your dad tells the story of how he met your mother do you think "Man, what an asshole", but rather "Wow, he really, really wanted to get with mom."  After the fact we applaud the persistence, the determination, the romanticism, and the poor ex ("Ole Whats-His-Name") just becomes a forgotten casualty of love.

So I guess I do have to agree that, in the grand scheme of life, you really are single until you're married, not in the sense that you can willy nilly do whatever you want in a relationship and use that as a defense (try saying "It wasn't wrong because we're not married" to your boo and see what happens.... you won't be in that particular relationship much longer), but rather there are no guarantees until you say "I do".  Married people are definitely off limits, and at that point you merely become a homewrecker.  But for everyone else, relationships come and go and the reality is that there aren't always clean breaks in between them.  In the end, when it's all said and done, the only person who matters is the one who won.

All is fair in love and war, loved ones..... and the victor gets to rewrite history.

*Disclaimer: AID will not be held responsible for any head busting or beat downs you may catch going after someone else's (wo)man.  Please proceed with caution.

Weekly Love Horoscope

Cancer Weekly Love Horoscope
(June 21 - Jul 22)

For the Week of Oct 5th, 2009 -- The Moon in your sign brings your emotions to a peak. These could mean some intense moments, especially late Friday and on Sunday. Trying to hold on to what you have can be frustrating as it's better to let go or make radical changes now. A strong attraction for someone needs to be tested over time instead of assuming that he or she feels the same way.










Sagittarius Weekly Love Horoscope
(Nov 22 - Dec 21)

For the Week of Oct 5th, 2009 -- If you're really serious about your current relationship or want to get closer to someone new, this is a good weekend for it. The Moon is in your 8th House of Intimacy, which will test your commitment and your compassion. It's not all about fun and games right now; this is a time to go deeper emotionally or you'll find yourself sitting on the sidelines.

(www.tarot.com)

EBS Friday Edition: It's Your Move

Across Your Bread
by Jill Scott

I'm juss gon say what I need to
juss gon put it on the table
And spread it across your bread

As much as I didn't want
I have stumbled
tripped
fallen ova myself in love with every molecule of
you

The walk on you
The way you out then in breathe
Simply your eyes man
got my thighs swellin' and my knees beggin' to part
I do (shaking my head up and down)
I do
love everything about you
All that makes you you
And what I do not know, I swear I will love too
If you just show me

I know it's crazy but I swear
My heart doesn't pump blood
When you are not near me
I juss walk my way through life comatose
Til I hear my name in your key
I juss stay
Hoping, wishing, praying for the moment you say it's cool for me to
give you what I got
Cool for me to give you what I keep
Cool for me to give you what is fresh behind the apples

And the pears but you don't
Won't
Accept it then accept it then return it
My logic understands but my back is tired of the weight
My feet are swollen and my fingers ache from writing

Don't you see?
I'm willing
Willing
To go that extra continent
Willing
To carry that extra gallon and love that extra kind
I am placing myself on the table
Spreading myself across your bread
So, say something
It's your move

"It's a dangerous necessity.... a world famous mystery......"

"It's a dangerous necessity, a world famous mystery......."

.......Love.

It is such a small word. Too small, in fact. And yes, I do mean "small" in the sense that it is insufficient to encompass and characterize the range of human emotions and experiences that the word is used to describe. There really needs to be more words, a delineation of the different types of love, sort of like how Eskimos supposedly have many different words for "snow".

The Greeks got close.... they have 6 different words for love:

* Agapē (αγάπη agápē) means "love" in modern day Greek, such as in the term s'agapo (Σ'αγαπώ), which means "I love you." In Ancient Greek, it often refers to a general affection rather than the attraction suggested by "eros." Agape is used in ancient texts to denote feelings for a good meal, one's children, and the feelings for a spouse. It can be described as the feeling of being content or holding one in high regard.

* Eros (ερως érōs) is passionate love, with sensual desire and longing. The Modern Greek word "erotas" means "(romantic) love;" however, eros does not have to be sexual in nature. Eros can be interpreted as a love for someone whom you love more than the philia, love of friendship. It can also apply to dating relationships as well as marriage. Plato refined his own definition: Although eros is initially felt for a person, with contemplation it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person, or even becomes appreciation of beauty itself. It should be noted Plato does not talk of physical attraction as a necessary part of love, hence the use of the word platonic to mean, "without physical attraction." Plato also said eros helps the soul recall knowledge of beauty, and contributes to an understanding of spiritual truth. Lovers and philosophers are all inspired to seek truth by eros.

* Philia (φιλία philia) means friendship in modern Greek. It is a dispassionate virtuous love, a concept developed by Aristotle. It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality and familiarity. In ancient texts, philos denoted a general type of love, used for love between family, between friends, a desire or enjoyment of an activity, as well as between lovers.

* Storge (στοργή storgē) means "affection" in ancient and modern Greek. It is natural affection, like that felt by parents for offspring. Rarely used in ancient works, and then almost exclusively as a descriptor of relationships within the family.

* Thelema (θέλημα thélēma) means "desire" in ancient and modern Greek. It is the desire to do something, to be occupied, or to be in prominence.

* Xenia (ξενία xenía), hospitality, was an extremely important practice in Ancient Greece. It was an almost ritualized friendship formed between a host and his guest, who could previously have been strangers. The host fed and provided quarters for the guest, who was expected to repay only with gratitude.

(thanks Wikipedia!)

I can certainly understand and identify examples of each type of love in my life..... I have agape for all of my readers, eros for that certain someone who doesn't want to have anything to do with me right now, philia for my BFFs, storge for my kids, and xenia for people who I may not know well but who are welcome in my home. And, of course, there are some overlaps.... I may have more than one type for one person.

In the English language, however, we condense all of these concepts down into one word: Love. And like the literary commingling of these concepts into the word "love", I think we humans also tend to emotionally commingle these concepts as if they were fungible and interchangeable such that we get confused as to what type of love we are actually feeling, and may mistake one for another. Or, what's worse, is that we may only come to recognize one type and think that all the others aren't really "love"..... typically this is true as it relates to Eros.

I'm sure everyone has known or heard of that one person who has been married 5 times, or that friend who goes through boyfriends/girlfriends like water. Usually these are the most hopelessly romantic, head over heels, disgustingly syrupy-sweet cake baking-est people in the world. They fall "in love" hard and fast...... and they also fall OUT of love hard and fast.

I think their problem is that these individuals only recognize that Eros feeling as "love". Because I hate to tell you, loved ones, the other types of love are.... well.... kinda boring. Or at least not exciting in the way that it makes you feel giddy and butterflies and swooning all over the place making goo-goo faces at each other. It doesn't give you that RUSH. Not saying that Eros doesn't last at all in a relationship, it just diminishes in intensity in a long term loving relationship. If all goes well, Eros gives way to Agape, Philia, and eventually Storge.

Eros, though, is addictive. And like any other drug, it clouds your judgment, and makes you long for it when it goes away.

(This would be a good time to go read My Chemical Romance, which partially explains how and why this happens.)

But if there's nothing else to back up that feeling, it does and will go away. And it's not what REAL love is all about anyway.... it's not enough to sustain a relationship. One of my favorite analogies of this (and forgive me if I'm being redundant) is that of a campfire. If you throw lighter fluid soaked kindling onto a fire, sure it'll burn hot and bright.... but a few minutes later your fire is out. You need both kindling (Eros) AND a few solid pieces of firewood (Agape and Philia) to keep it going. You may not be able to see the heat ("Ooooh, pretty flames!") but you can feel it, and it'll keep you warm and comfortable all through the night. *snuggle* Too many people think that when they no longer feel those butterflies that love is gone, and then it's on to the next one. They don't take the time to appreciate the other types of love and that THOSE are the types that we all should be striving for.

Though they don't number all that many, I've had enough Eros-driven relationships to last me one lifetime. Of course, I need Eros in my life (my most prominent "Love Language" is physical touch and I'm a..... uh.... very passionate person), but what I really long for is comfort, that feeling that all is right with the world. I had that, and I fucked it up on some pure Eros shyt that turned out to be just a pile of burnt out ashes. In the short time I've been dating, I've (finally) learned to truly appreciate the difference and not get caught up in the illusion of love..... hopefully not too late.

Emotional Baggage Sundays: Contrition

I have really got to get this song off repeat in my life playlist.... take it off the iPod, delete it out of iTunes, throw the CD out the window into oncoming traffic. Like Jill, I am Beautifully Human, and human means mistakes, weaknesses, and fallacies. But some things in my life aren't so beautiful, and therefore this song has got to go......


The future will be better.


"I'm truly sorry, baby........"

Marriage......what's the point?

Ahhh.... the seasons are changing, the weather is getting warm, newness is abound, which means one thing...... wedding season is upon us. Ok, so it means more than just that one thing (inter alia the one year anniversary of Le Divorce) , but it *is* wedding season. Thus far I've received invitations to attend two weddings and despite the demise of my own marriage, I'm actually looking forward to attending.

Yes, despite my experiences with failed marriage, my first hand witnessing of marital tomfoolery, my Adventures in Divorce, and my previous musings on the subject, I do still have hope and faith in the institution of marriage and see weddings as a celebration of a new life together for two people. My prior post about crying at weddings was written while I was still married and my own marriage was in a sharp nosedive headed straight for the ocean (it was written a little less than a year before my separation) and I was sad because I knew I'd lost what these two individuals on their special day had just found. So, while on that particular day I was mourning, generally I am happy for the couple getting married.

But then there's that part of me that knows that regardless of the degree of perfection that exists on that special day, marriages are anything BUT perfect. Four words..... Fifty. Percent. Failure. Rate. And even amongst the remaining fifty percent, I've seen enough of my share of underhanded tomfoolery to know that those people aren't all together because everything is hunky dory. So, statistically speaking, if 50% of marriages are doomed from the start, and the other 50% are riddled with problems and issues, one may ask themselves..... what's the point?

The point, in the great words of Andre Benjamin, is that everybody needs somebody to love. But marriage isn't just about love, its about building a life together and having someone who is always, no matter what, there for you (in theory anyway). Let's face it.... the free-for-all gets tiring after awhile. Variety and excitement and "freedom" may be fun for a time, but eventually you just want to know that someone is going to be there for you and that you have someone that you can build something with instead of just cruising along parallel with one another. Problems and dysfunction and cheating aside, marriage is a good, worthwhile endeavor.

Marriage is definitely a trade off, though...... you give up the ability to bail whenever you feel like it, the ability to make unilateral decisions that are solely in your best interest (and/or the interest of your kids if you have them).... basically the ability to keep all the marbles to yourself. But at the end of the day, what good is all that if you're lonely? Life is meant to be shared with other people, and sharing means compromising and sacrificing for the greater good. Even when you're in a committed relationship, you're less likely to go all in if you know that the person can just up and leave, no strings attached, at any time. When you're dating, all it takes is to say "it's over, kick rocks, don't call me and I'm not answering your calls" (ok, that's the simplified version) and "I'm taking my TV/couch/bed that I brought with me" (if you happen to be cohabiting). Divorce, on the other hand, takes just a tad bit more effort. Not to mention the whole "covenant before God" thing..... that's kind of important, too.

So what's the point of marriage if the odds of failure and dysfunction are so high...... well, I believe it can and does work for most people, even if it takes some trial and error along the way. Sometimes that first match up isn't a good fit and people got married for the wrong reasons, or thought they could overlook or overcome some problem and it just didn't happen. But if you have two people who are a good match and who are committed to making their marriage work, then there is definitely a point..... a very good point.

Emotional Baggage Sundays: Criminal Edition

Classic.....*Sigh*

Fiona Apple - New Music - More Music Videos

(Too much emotional baggage for today, both old and new. That is all for now, loved ones.)

Love Conquers All

The other day I went over to my parents' house to pick up Daughter and my dad was outside working in the yard. My mother has been in the hospital for the past 2 weeks, so he's just been there alone with the menagerie (dog, cat, the once stray cockatiel). I was walking to my car and he looked at me with the saddest look I've EVER seen on his face and said "I need a hug." I have never, EVER heard my dad say anything like that before, and it just hurt me to the core of my soul because I could see, hear and FEEL the sadness and fear that I know he has over my mother's condition.

I bring up my parents' relationship a lot, because.... well, your parents are your model for relationships. And my stance has been that I don't understand why they've been married for 30+ years and never ever seem to get along, and the stress and the drama are literally killing them. Last week I was trying to calm my mother down (to keep her blood pressure from going up) as she was crying about how she was convinced that my dad didn't care that she was sick. *sigh* Frustrating.....

Why in the heck would my dad put up with this for all these years?? That's what I always ask myself. But I think I got my answer Tuesday: It's just Love. He loves my mother to death, despite all her antics and anger and accusations. He told me once years ago that he made a promise to my grandfather that he would take care of his oldest daughter and grandchild and that he intended to never go back on that. But even aside from his word to my grandpa, I could tell standing in that driveway that the answer was love. Love makes you do stupid things, put up with stupid things, and perform stupid superhuman feats that make absolutely no sense to the outside world. Love. Conquers. All.

(... which I think is what caused things to go awry in my marriage. I just didn't love him anymore. There was no glue, so all the crazy pieces fell apart. I guess.)

A step forward, a step back

With all the excitement over Barak Obama being our next President of these United States, one major newsworthy election result that has been somewhat glossed over is the passage of measures in 4 states that dealt a major blow to the civil rights of the LGBT community. Three states-- Arizona, California and Florida-- passed constitutional amendments banning gay marriage. Arizonans passed Proposition 102 on Tuesday, further amending the state's constitution to define marriage expressly as "a union between one man and one woman." In Florida, 62% of voters cast their ballots in favor of Amendment 2, which also limits the legal definition of marriage to the union between "one man and one woman as husband and wife." And less than six months after the California State Supreme Court declared in a 4-3 decision that a 2000 gay marriage ban was unconstitutional, the state's voters passed Proposition 8, which will overturn the Court's decision. In addition, Arkansas voters passed a measure that would prohibit unmarried, cohabitating couples from adopting. Ouch.

It saddens me that while we've taken a major step forward in the realm of civil rights by electing the first African-American president, we've taken a step back with the passage of these measures, which I foresee spreading throughout the country as other states follow the precedent of these initial four. And yes, I will state it unequivocally..... I support gay marriage and adoption rights. Period. If two people want to love and commit to each other, I say kudos to them. If a couple wants to love and raise a child that might otherwise end up in the questionable foster care system, I'm all for it. My son grew up with a boy whose parents are a lesbian couple, and I ALWAYS saw the both of them at every one of his events, while I'd look over and see the mom sitting there solo because her husband was too drunk to get up and come to the games. You can't tell me that the latter situation is the better situation for a child to grow up in just by virtue of the fact that the couple consisted of a man and a woman. C'mon now, people.

There is nothing about gay marriage or adoption that wears at my moral fiber or does anything to compromise the sanctity of my relationships (or lack thereof), I know that same sex couples are just as capable of raising healthy, loved and well adjusted kids as any other couple (family dysfunction is equal opportunity)..... bottom line, it's just all about love, and I say the more love in this world, the better.

"The Most Beautiful-est Thing in this World....."

On the night of the election when they announced that Barak Obama would be our 44th president, I think it was so surreal that I didn't even have an emotional reaction. I didn't cry or scream or high-five or fall down on my knees and thank The Most High...... I was really quite subdued. That was until Barak called his First Lady and daughters out onto the stage..... that to me was one of the most powerful and inspiring moments of the night and I was overwhelmed with emotion. Beautiful..... absolutely beautiful.

Not just my First Family....... AMERICA'S First Family.

Emotional Baggage..... Fridays??

It's Halloween, which is my favorite holiday of the year, and I have much tomfoolery planned for later, but I just had to woo-sah this out real quick and get it out the way so I can go on with the mayhem of the day.......

There are people who come into your life for a limited time and a limited purpose, and once that purpose is served it's time to go. Can't hold on to it or it turns nasty and ugly and negative....

("I know if I pick up this phone, write this letter send this two way........I know I'm gonna say some things, I know you gonna say some things.......That we both don't mean to say.......")

Just because it was [seemingly] great then, doesn't mean that it's great now, but you respect and acknowledge what it was (AND what it WASN'T), make peace with it, and move on.

This song popped into my head this morning..... actually the last line of the song popped into my head this morning and I had to go look it up to remember what the rest of it said.... and the rest of it is pretty on point, too, as Jill usually is. Anyway, that last key line made me a little sad, but also gave me a little peace and Radical Acceptance of What Is:

But the reality honestly...you where never good for me, and I was never good for you.
I just remember what we used to do....

I so love Jill.



I was just thinking about you
Wondering if you wear the same cologne
Smelled good
On you
Had the next boyfriend of mine try the same kind
But it stunk on him though.
You know what they say... everything ain't for everybody.
But I tried anyway.
You sure did smell good.

[Chorus:]
You just running cross my mind
[x4]

You had that masculine thing DOWN
Shoulders, back straight... never slumping... never round
It would turn me on just to see you walk
Into a room, across the room, out of the room.
You really impressed me.
Eh yeah

[Chorus:]
You just running cross my mind
[x4]

I know if I pick up this phone, write this letter, send this two way,
I know I'm gonna say some things, I know you gonna say some things
That we both don't mean to say
Like...how amazing...how amazing...
When you would spread my limbs cross continents
Bump our bed way over mountains.
Kiss this and this and this and this and this and this
and this and this and this and this and this and that.
Show each other where the climax is at.

You just running cross my mind
[x3]
I was just thinking about you, wondering what you doing, I mean what you've been up to
I know its wrong feeling this strong
Let me take a second minute I will think this thing through

I was just thinking about you, wondering what you doing I mean what you've been up to
I know its wrong feeling this strong
Let me take a second minute I will think this thing through

Remember all the moments for two, how we used to
Oh yeah
But the reality honestly...you were never good for me and I was never good for you.
I just remember what we used to do....

Only Sometimes......

Sometimes I wish......
that I could've been a better actress
and went through the motions
to convinced myself to love him

~Me

Emotional Baggage Sundays - "Choices"

Once again, it's Sunday. *sigh* Time to haul out the baggage........


If i can't do
what i want to do
then my job is to not
do what i don't want
to do

It's not the same thing
but it's the best i can
do

If i can't have
what i want . . . then
my job is to want
what i've got
and be satisfied
that at least there
is something more to want

Since i can't go
where i need
to go . . . then i must . . . go
where the signs point
through always understanding
parallel movement
isn't lateral

When i can't express
what i really feel
i practice feeling
what i can express
and none of it is equal

I know
but that's why mankind
alone among the animals
learns to cry

~CHOICES by Nikki Giovanni

Having it all, having nothing

I was talking to my friend today about our respective love (?) lives, and she was talking about how there's a guy that she's been friends with for a long time and she really feels like she has a connection and good chemistry, but she's not willing to take a chance to see if it could become anything serious because she's assuming that he's content just to play the field and she doesn't want to raise his expectations of him. Meanwhile she's started to date another guy she met on an online dating site because he has a good "resume" (nice, good job, handsome, seems considerate enough.... but that could just be his representative talking right now). So I ask her..... why not try things out with this first guy and see where it goes? Well, just like everyone, she doesn't want to open herself up and get her feelings hurt, and that she's just going to "see what happens."

This is what confuses me about people (and I include myself.... I'm still human): Everyone says they want someone to love (men too.... I always have to remind myself that they have feelings as well), but nobody is willing to open themselves up to another person to make that happen. Everyone is so guarded, but then want to turn around and ponder why relationships never make it past that first level of intimacy. People talk about how they were hurt in the past, how last time they trusted and loved someone they got burned, how they will never open themselves up like that again (that is the mentality that The Ex has). Everyone is carrying around this baggage, and nobody wants to set it down, so how are we supposed to find that person who isn't going to be like those people in our past?

I may not know much, but I do know this (at the very least from a logical perspective): You have to be OPEN to love in order for it to come into your life. I could pull out every analogy to this concept......the closed fist, the overturned cup, the closed mouth not getting fed, but basically if you are not willing to let love in-- which means letting down your guard-- love won't come in. You may get disappointed 10 times and that 11th person who comes along may be "That One," but if you shut them out of your life, you may miss that opportunity. By trying to hold onto and safeguard your feelings and being so worried about the past repeating itself, you miss out on something potentially greater. Whenever this issue arises I think about the Eric Roberson song, "What I Gotta Do" ("What I gotta do for you to see.... the pain you felt before wasn't done by me....."). You can't let past situations completely cloud your view of the future.

(I'm going to skip my soap box discussion on Zen Buddhism and the significance of attachment and suffering, but it's some good stuff that I might come back to later.)

This leads me to another issue, and that is the unwillingness to invest your emotional energy into one person for fear of missing out on something. And that "something" could be anything, not just another person (but most likely, it is)..... it could be the ability to do and say and hang out with whomever you want without fear of backlash or worrying about whether it's going to hurt someone else's feelings. It's avoiding that sense of obligation to another person. Casual relationships are fine and good if that's all you want and that's all the other person wants, but don't be surprised when some emotional disparity arises and someone gets fed up (thus creating MORE emotional baggage). You can't have your cake and eat it too.*

(*I had to research this phrase awhile back because I never understood it.... if you have cake, aren't you SUPPOSED to eat it?? But no, that's not what it means. It means that after you have eaten the cake, you still have the cake in your hand.... it's trying to have two incompatible concepts. For any fellow Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Infocom game fans out there, it's akin to having both Tea and No Tea in your inventory. Sorry, uber dork moment there......)

So at some point, you have to let go. By trying to hold on to everything--feelings, freedom, obligation, options-- you may just look up one day and find that you have nothing.

What's in a name?

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."
Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)

When you have been seeing/dating/wild rumpus-ing with someone for an appreciable amount of time, there comes a day where eventually the "What are we?/Where is this going?" question will arise. And once you get past the age of 22 are grown, it becomes an increasingly difficult question to answer, even though in theory it should be quite simple.

For a logophile like me, labels are particularly difficult because I believe that words are only as good as the meaning that you ascribe to them. I think perhaps being a lawyer greatly contributes to this view because we define words however we want all the time in the definition sections of legal documents (ex. contracts or statutes). If I draft a document where "Banana" (capitalized.... called a "defined term") means "the small brown dog that appears in the first few minutes of the movie Juno" then that's what Banana means, dammit, not a curved yellow fruit. (or, to use another Juno movie example, her name didn't mean "the city in Alaska", it meant "Zeus' wife, who was really beautiful, but really mean.... like Diana Ross.")

Here is a quote that illustrates what I'm talking about (and that actually appears in the preface to a legal treatise on Hart Scott Rodino antitrust pre-merger notification filings):

"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean — neither more nor less."

"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many different things."

"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master -- that’s all."

Alice was too puzzled to say anything; so after a minute, Humpty Dumpty began again.

"They’ve a temper, some of them -- particularly verbs: they're the proudest -- adjectives you can do anything with, but not verbs -- however, I can manage the whole lot of them! Impenetrability! That’s what I say!"

"Would you tell me, please," said Alice, "what that means?"

"Now you talk like a reasonable child," said Humpty Dumpty, looking very much pleased. "I meant by 'impenetrability' that we’ve had enough of that subject and it would be just as well if you'd mention what you mean to do next, as I suppose you don’t mean to stop here all the rest of your life."

"That’s a great deal to make one word mean," Alice said in a thoughtful tone.

"When I make a word do a lot of work like that, said Humpty Dumpty, "I always pay it extra."

(Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland)

So what does all this wordsmithery have to do with relationships? I'm talking about the LABELS, i.e. the "defined term", i.e. the term that defines the relationship. Boyfriend/girlfriend, boo-thang (I personally like that one best), lovers, Friends with Benefits, Homie Lover Friend, and so on and so forth. Like Humpty Dumpty says, you can do anything with the adjectives, and isn't that what a label is? What is important is what that label actually MEANS. But if you can put any meaning on a word, or rather the nuances in connotation of a word, what good is that word (i.e. that label) really? And, going back to the first quote I used from Romeo and Juliette, does the label change the nature of what is?

Let me clarify that I have nothing against labels in a relationship in general. I just am personally struggling with the concept because it has been a non-issue for me for the past 15 years, and the rules got a helluva lot more complicated while I was busy getting older. But seriously, though, what "boyfriend/girlfriend" means to one person doesn't necessarily mean the same thing to another person. And the "rights and responsibilities" that come along with those labels are also different for everyone.

If I am honest with myself, though, I will admit that some of this label phobia has to deal with the great enemy of all intimate relationships, and that is fear. I just got out of a marriage where I felt like my Ex was stifling my individuality and crowding my space, constantly criticizing who I am. I've spent the past year spreading my wings and being able to be myself without restriction and it feels GOOD. I don't have to explain or justify or get permission or worry about criticism for anything. And this has NOTHING to do with seeing other people or dating or doing questionable shady shyt. This is about doing ME. I know that issue is much deeper than a label, but it admittedly makes me a little gun shy.

However, I know that labels give a certain level of comfort and security, because it imparts a degree of certainty. I of all people like certainty. Limbo gives me the willies more than labels do. I guess this is just one of those points in life where I need to quit analyzing and just BE, because in the grand scheme of things, it's really not anything to get hung up over. And I also suppose it comes down to communication and making sure we're both on the same page. Because then, what does the label really matter? But because the label doesn't matter, it's ok to go ahead and use one.......because I am master of the word, and that is all.

"Sometimes we have the power to say yes to life. Then Peace enters us and makes us whole." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson (quoted in Zen and the Art of Falling in Love by Brenda Shoshanna)

Emotional Baggage Sundays, Part Deux

It seems like every Sunday (or at least every other Sunday) after a long weekend filled with good friends, good music, and yes, good drinks, I find myself sitting alone feeling melancholy about a number of things that I end up brooding over all afternoon, and then I end up posting some arcane bit of poetry or song lyrics or PostSecret postcard. So what's bothering me today? Might as well get it out:

1. Oddly enough (or not so oddly, considering how I create my iTunes playlists) this song that is currently playing as I write this pretty much sums up what's been on my mind most of the day: The One That Got Away by Pink. It's one of those weird issues because it's not something that's an active part of my life, but more like background static...... it's really one of those situations where I've accepted reality and let go. For the most part anyway. Its also something hard to explain (or not explain and just avoid) to someone you're dating that yes, there was a person in your life that was very important, and they're not anymore, and that makes you sad sometimes, but that honestly it is a non-issue because the odds of that relationship working out are less than nil. It's not taking anything away from the person currently in your life, but it's just reality. It happens. Everyone has that one that got away, but they move on. Right? I hope so.

2. I was throwing away junk mail and came across a mailer for a seminar on LLCs, LLPs, etc. I look at the names of the panelists and see (a) the moderator is the senior associate who made my life HELL the first year I started working at The Firm, gave me the shittiest assignments and the leftover bullshit, and was generally condescending and treated me like I didn't graduate from law school cum laude, and then (b) one of the panelists is a guy who started at The Firm the same time I did, and I remembered how they used to talk about how shitty of a writer he was when we first started, but they liked him and took him under their wings and gave him the good work and MENTORED him..... meanwhile I'm there given the shitty leftovers, the "simple quick little projects" that amounted to a bunch of bullshit. I literally started crying. Looking at my resume, you'd think that I would have been their fucking superstar. I feel like a failure sometimes because I feel like I should be at a much different place in my career, and it all comes down to the opportunities those fuckers didn't let me have at The Firm. And it was because they underestimated me, treated me like I was stupid, wouldn't give me the work so I could get the experience. It's the story of every black associate's life at The Firm.... we all tell the same tale. And that just made me angry all over again today, and made me question what the hell I'm doing in the legal profession in the first place.

(this playlist has got to go..... it's making me way too sad. "My Drive Thru".... that's a better song)

3. The fact that I still allow The Ex's words to get to me, gets to me. Yesterday the discussion involved him telling me that I need to quit "giving it away for free" and find some guy that can help me out financially right now. WTF?? I had to remind him that he doesn't have shit to offer to the woman he's dating that's almost, but not quite, old enough to be his momma, and that he needs to give her that same speech because if his theory holds true, her old ass should know better. Let me backtrack.... he doesn't have shit to offer her but companionship, which is all I'm looking for out of a guy, too. He's such an illogical fucktard, and it makes me mad that I can't just ignore that shyt and not let it, admittedly, hurt me. The insults he hurls at me are just really unnecessary. I hate being undercover sensitive sometimes.

4. Seems like nobody has any time for me. Yesterday I went to the movies alone (and saw the worst movie ever...... The Love Guru..... if I'd paid more than $1.25 for that shyt I'd still be mad right now), then ate dinner alone, then took myself to Front Page alone (but I always see people there I know and like), and then took myself home, again, alone. And this isn't anyone's fault, people have lives and are busy and whatnot. But damn.... next person who says that I probably have guys trying to get with me all the time is gonna get punched in the face, because NOBODY had any time for me this weekend. Well except for Roomie.... we had a good time hanging out Friday. Other than that, seems like everyone is too busy.

(dammittoallhell what is up with all my damn playlists pissing all over my emotions?? The current culprit: You Know What by N*E*R*D)

5. Being broke. Nuff said. Thanks to my girl and the random drunk white guy at Front Page last night for getting my Grateful Deads..... otherwise I would have been sitting there stone sober watching The Best of Soul Train on the bar TVs, which would have been a lot less fun because they were on some serious '80s ish last night. Comedy.

6. All those other things that I just can't talk about for one reason or another. But trust me, those are the ones bothering me the most.

Emotional Baggage Sundays

(PostSecret 8/17/2008)

It's Love.....I miss it 2

So I was having a brief convo via text with a girlfriend of mine about the state of my recently retreating libido (which is usually quite present and healthy), and I was telling her that while objectively sex has been good (nothing personal, my damie) I've just been feeling bleh and still just like I'm just in need of SOMETHING that I just couldn't quite place. At first I was thinking my sense of unease may be due to this cold I've been nursing since the beginning of July, but then my girl hit me with this response:

"I know what it is. It's Love. I miss it 2."

...to which my anti-female facade developed a huge crack and an ever so tiny sob got caught in my throat when I had to admit that she was absolutely right.

Yes, I do miss love. (Scratch that.....I miss reciprocable love. Unreciprocated love (whether due to choice or circumstances) is worse than being totally devoid of love....it sucks undescended monkey testicles) Sex and passion are just like a Red Bull, a 5 Hour Energy Shot....love is a good night sleep. Give yourself artificial quick fixes for long enough and eventually your mind and body start to revolt and shut down because they are in need of the real thing. I think, at this present moment, that is where I'm at. This isn't to call anyone to the mat or pressure anybody to feel or not feel a certain way about me, but it's just the state of things right now.

Maybe I'll follow her lead and just go on "dingaling strike" (as she sez) for awhile to clear my head. (Then again, who the fuck am I kidding??) I just got a text from another friend out of the blue expressing the exact same sentiments...Damn. Maybe its something in the air.