Karma is a bitch.... with child

Ok, I think I'm finally ready to write about this.

I know that the frequency of my "adventures" have decreased dramatically, which is a good thing for me (but not so good when maintaining a blog about Adventures in Divorce). However, my ex-husband always manages to keep the party live and send me on brand new adventures, whether I care to go or not.

So a few weeks ago, The Ex texts me on a random Tuesday and tells me that I must go pick up the kids immediately, that he's had to leave town and they are home by themselves. No explanation aside from "I have an emergency out of town" which would be plausible had he actually traveled to the west coast where his family lives, not the next state over. Then he tells me he'll be back "in a few days, maybe by Friday". I ask Son what's going on and he says his dad needed to go out of town "for work or something". Needless to say, I was a little pissed because I had no way to plan for the kids being around (i.e. food in the house, logistical coordination for practices and activities, etc.) however, at that point I had no choice but to go get my children, and he knew that which is why he did it.

Friday rolls around and because I was planning to go out of town that evening, I sent The Ex a text to confirm that he would be back that afternoon to get the kids. His response: "I'll be back Sunday night." Can you say R-A-G-E?? I launched a text assault the likes of which have not been seen since AD 2007. I told him he was inconsiderate, un-trustworthy, and to at least give me the same level of courtesy that he would give someone on the street. I didn't even wait for responses, I had to get all that out because I was sick of being bullied and punked by him because he knew I would not do wrong by my kids. Oddly, though, all he kept saying was "Sorry, I had an emergency" which is VERY uncharacteristic of him. Then all the sudden he calls me and says he has to tell me what's going on, and this is what he says:

"I have another kid."

I burst out laughing. Not as loud and hearty as I wanted to because I was at work, but I guarantee the people in the office on the other side of the hallway door heard me. My initial laughter came from the fact that not 10 minutes earlier I had jokingly tweeted that I suspected the reason he had to rush out of town so abruptly-- and had forewarned me that he would need to do so at the beginning of the summer -- was that he'd knocked some side chick up and had to rush to see the baby born. I was dead on; turns out he got a chick pregnant that he was fooling around with during a "break up" with his main boo, who coincidentally and inexplicably I had the occasion to meet (Sidenote: his boo thang of 3 years couldn't have kids, which was specifically a reason he told me he got with her in the first place so he wouldn't have to worry about that). My second wave of laughter came from the sheer absurdity of the fact that he didn't tell our kids (or anyone else aside from his momma and his BFF) ahead of time. I mean, who does that?? And how old are we??? One of my Twitter friends summed it up best: "That was mighty hood of him." And my most prevalent reason for my outburst was gratitude for Karma coming in and delivering a better payback for all his BS antics toward me than I could ever imagine or pull off myself. Forget keying his crappy car or kicking over his motorcycle, the Universe did it 1000 times better. Karma is a bitch.... with child.

If you've been following this blog for awhile, you know some of what I am talking about..... fighting my friends, spray painting my car, being inconsiderate with pick ups and drop offs, regularly calling me out of my name, and a myriad of other bitchassed behaviors that any other XY who calls himself a man would be embarrassed to even think about. But what stuck out to me the most was an incident last year at Son's football fundraiser where he thought I said I was pregnant (and I felt no need or desire to correct is erroneous assumptions simply because I knew it would piss him off) and hurled all kinds of horrible insults at me via text about how irresponsible and stupid I was, and almost got into a fight with my beau right there in the bingo hall. Just foolishness. Who's the irresponsible one now, huh??

Some of my friends have asked how I feel about this whole situation, thinking that maybe I would be upset that he's "moved on" or that he has a child with someone other than me. Please.  I could care less.  Aside from the Maury-like curiosity factor and the fact that how can you not like a baby (especially one that looks uncannily similar to your first born).  Hopefully this will help him move on and stop using our old joint e-mail address with my initials and our anniversary date. I just hope that he steps up and takes care of this child and is around for my children's sake, so that they can have a relationship with their younger brother (I am very big on treating step-siblings like whole siblings). Daughter is ecstatic already, but Son is still upset about it (and for good reason..... we're telling him to be safe and careful when it comes to sex, and his dad goes out and does the exact opposite?? Way to lead by example, Dad). I bear no ill will against this woman, or this innocent baby (despite calling him Little Meech because his name is extremely similar to my Son's name). I will do nothing to discourage the relationship between my kids and their new sibling. I'm actually glad I didn't have to be the one to introduce the concept of a new sibling to my kids. If I have any more children, this issue will be old hat to them.

So congrats to The Ex on the new addition to his, um, family.... on acquiring a Baby Momma #2 and becoming a Baby Daddy once again.  My condolences to him on losing his cougar and now having to continue to have her as a boss after getting another woman pregnant.  And best wishes actually having to deal with the child support and state guideline visitation system (which he does not have to deal with from me). Maybe he'll appreciate me more, who knows.

Yes, loved ones, this particular adventure has just begun......

Tick......Tock........

When I was younger, I never really understood the big deal behind the biological clock.  Why were these late 20 and 30-something chicks all up in a tither about having kids?  I mean, it'll happen when it happens (as everything happens just as it should), right?  Modern medical technology makes age less of a concern, no?  And it always seems like folks are getting pregnant by accident all the damn time anyway, so just chill out.....

Then I turned 31.

At 30, I still wasn't too concerned about the issue.  Granted, my son will be in college in 2 years and my daughter will be in high school in 3, but thanks to this effed up road I've taken in my life those factors still didn't outweigh the fact that I am still a relatively young women, and the vast majority of women in my circle-- including both my sisters-- had kids in their 30's or have yet to even have children.  So realistically, I'm comfortably within the norm.

However, as I'm rounding the bend and heading toward my 32nd birthday this summer, I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried just a little bit.  Ok, maybe quite a bit.  I'm remembering how much trouble and discomfort I had with my daughter when I was only 21..... I developed high blood pressure, had constant excruciating headaches, and had to go for extra tests and screenings (including carrying around a jug I had to pee in for 24 hours... ugh) to make sure I didn't develop preeclampsia, a potentially life threatening condition.  Fast forward 10 years, when generally you start to notice that you don't have as much energy and "snap back" as you used to, combined with the fact that I still have blood pressure issues..... it has me hearing the tick, tock, tick of that bio clock myself.

Aside from the health issues, I also have a number of situational factors that cause me concern.  First, as mentioned, I have a SERIOUS age gap issue with my existing kids, though toting a diaper bag to my son's freshman orientation is not as serious of a concern, particularly considering how early I started.  The bigger concern, however, is relationship timing.  I at least am over the first hurdle..... I do have a beau, I love him dearly, and I could see us together for the long haul.  But I want to be married before I have anymore kids.... do it "right" at least one time out of three.  However, he plans on going to grad school soon.  So take my age this year (32) add on 3 years for a master's program, and that puts me at 35, the magic age when pregnancies officially become "high risk".  Yes, both of our mothers had kids past the age of 35 who are perfectly fine.  But I am not looking forward to the major bodily ass whooping that pregnancy is going to increasingly lay on me as the years go on. 

I don't want to put any pressure on him or give him any kind of "ultimatums" (which I hate), but facts are facts, worries are worries, concerns are concerns, reality is reality.  He tells me it'll happen when it's supposed to happen..... no, it'll happen when I decide it's gonna happen due to a little thing called an I.U.D. that has to be removed before any show can get on the road.  There's no "Oops!  I guess this was just supposed to happen now!" possibility going on here.  My womb is protected like Brinks. 

I told myself that 35 was my cut off, that after that I'd just have to be happy with my two wonderful children and that there'd be no more womb fresh babies for me.  I know this is something for which I have no choice but to wait and see what happens, and whatever happens I'll just have to accept it.  But, like many, many, many realizations in my life, now that I'm in the situation I see the dilemma and hear that clock.

"You are NOT the father!"

I saw something in the grocery store today that made me stop dead in my tracks:


Woah. Wow. Err..... huh. For $150, in 3-5 days you can get the answer to the question that thousands of fools get up and air their dirty laundry on Maury for. No free trip to NYC, but hey.... I'd say that's a small sacrifice for your dignity.

(and notice it's displayed right next to a box of condoms. Oh the irony.)

This got me thinking about an article I recently read in Playboy reviewing the book "I Don't: A Contrarian History of Marriage" by Susan Squire. Here's a summary by Publisher's Weekly:


"In breezy, irreverent prose, Squire (The Slender Balance) catalogues the history and religious significance of the institution of marriage from Adam and Eve to the Renaissance and beyond. Writing as if gossiping with a girlfriend, Squire argues that marriage was developed to establish paternity by controlling the sex life of women. We learn that the men of Athens had hetaera (courtesans) to entertain them, concubines for their daily 'need' and wives with whom to breed legitimate children; the women of Rome, on the other hand, learned how to use their power to threaten male rule of society. The New Testament offers equality to husband and wife, at least in the marriage bed; the association of lust with Eve's original sin can be attributed to Augustine. Squire explores sixth-century penitentials on sexual sins, adultery in the Middle Ages and the intersection of wife and witch during the Renaissance inquisitions. Readers are left questioning whether our modern idea of love matches might end up as a chapter in a future book about the incarnations of marriage. 'Love may not be the answer, but for now, it is the story.'" Publishers Weekly (Copyright Reed Business Information, Inc.)


Interesting take on things..... marriage originally being designed to control the determination of paternity. I guess Identigene fucks THAT purpose all up.*

(*and please, spare me the "sacred union" comments about how we are intended to be with 1 person for all of eternity and beyond..... I know, I know. Whatever. It's a nice idea. Go delude yourself all you want..... go on.... I'll leave you alone while you do it. Just don't do it here.)

"Kiss my placenta...."

E.Badu and her daughter, Puma

I. Love. Erykah. Badu. Period. I would just love to sit in a room with her and just feel her presence and her vibe, and just listen to her dialogue. Below is a blog posting (allegedly originally posted on okayplayer.com, but I couldn't find it) that she wrote in response to all the criticisms and insults that have been directed toward her regarding her 3rd pregnancy, and I must say that it touched me to the CORE because she addresses many issues that I have/will/am about to address with this blog. I'm feeling her. Deeply.

I've included commentary, law review style with footnotes (I'm such a dork) at the end of her post. The emphasis added is mine.....those are key phrases that really spoke to me. Preach, sister.......

****************

peace,
HOW DARE YOU DISRESPECT THE QUEENDOM

…AND MY CHILDREN AND MY INTELLIGENCE.

ive never been so disgusted in all of my life.
there is no other place i used to enjoy more.
i post no where else.
you guys have taken an all time low, tho.

I’LL STATE MY PEACE

i am a great mother and care giver to my 2 children and to this world.
my children are 2 of the kindest and happiest people i have met.
I home schooled them and taught them the ways of good to the best of my ability.
i am their doctor and their nurse.
and even sometimes their mother and their father.

i am an excellent mother and resent all of the negative comments and insults on my character.
I PUT MUCH TIME AND THOUGHT INTO HAVING AND RAISING MY CHILDREN.
IVE HAD THE HONORS OF HAVING 2 HOME BIRTHS AND 2 WONDERFUL PARTNERS BY MY SIDE.

every relationship i have been in was because i loved the person DEARLY and was dedicated to us “exclusively” FOR A NUMBER OF YEARS.

the fathers of my children are my brothers and friends.
we have a great deal of respect for one another and always will.
WE LOVE OUR CHILDREN TO NO END.
we took our own “vows” and CONTINUE TO UPHOLD THEM.
AND THAT IS WHAT THAT IS .

question?
WHAT IS MARRIAGE?
WHO IS THE JUDGE?
WE ONLY UNDERSTAND THE EXAMPLES WE ARE GIVEN (well sort of)¹

WOULD IT “LOOK BETTER” TO MARRY AND DIVIORCE AND MARRY AGAIN?
WOULD THAT BE MORALLY CORRECT?
WHATS THE DIFFERENCE? the government’s involvement i guess.
IDEALLY, IT WOULD BE EXCELLENT TO FIND THE MAN OR WOMAN WHO FULFILLS YOUR SPIRIT AND STAY FOR EVER AND EVER (thru sickness and health till death do us part) AND HAVE HEALTHY STRONG CHILDREN AS A RESULT OF A HEALTHY AND STRONG UNION.
(this CAN happen … we need much training , however.)²

OR

IS IT REALLY “GOOD” TO STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP WHERE BOTH PARTIES ARE UNFULFILLED , LONGING FOR RELIEF , BRINGING one another down as a result of improper training, creating BAD ENERGY AND EXPERIENCES FOR THE CHILD TO REPEAT?
(not to mention breeding deceit and anger and resentment)
SEEMS TO CREATE FEARFUL CHILDREN WHO TURN INTO FEARFUL ADULTS.³

HOW MANY OF YOU GREW UP IN 2 PARENT HOMES THAT WERE MISERABLE AS FUCK?⁴
OR 2 PARENT HOMES THAT WERE NOT PERFECT BUT WORKED?
HOW MANY GREW UP IN ONE PARENT HOMES WHERE THE MOTHER WORKED HARD TO MAKE SURE YOU WERE CARED FOR BUT SHE WASNT QUITE HAPPY?
HOW ABOUT A HOME WHERE THE FATHER WAS THE MAIN CARE GIVER AND DID THE BEST HE COULD -LACKING NURTURE?
HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE A SIBLING THAT HAS A DIFFERENT FATHER OR MOTHER?
DOES HE OR SHE MEAN LESS TO YOU?⁵
HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE MORE THAN 1 MOTHER OR FATHER OF YOUR OWN CHILDren?
HOW MANY OF YOU HAD/OR/ARE PARENTS RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH TO MAKE GOOD DECISIONS FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN, THAT DONT QUITE FIT ANY OF THESE DESCRIPTIONS?
HOW MANY OF YOU STAY IN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS FOR FEAR OF GOING TO HELL?⁶
HOW MANY HOS OUT THERE … THAT HAVE KIDS TO GET A PAYDAY?
HOW MANY PEOPLE GETTING THEY ASS KICKED AND ARE FORCED TO SUBMIT CAUSE YO MAMA GOT HER ASS KICKED?
THEN WHAT is CORRECT?

how about this:

I PRAY WITH MY CHILDREN
I FEED THEM GOOD FOOD
THEY RESPECT PEOPLES DIFFERENCES
THEY TRAVEL THE WORLD WITH ME
THE KNOW WHO THEY ARE
THEY ADORE THEIR FATHERS AND ARE LOVED BY 2 PARENTS OR MORE -
OR TWO OR MORE SETS OF LOVING GRANDPARENTS
THEY CRY
THEY GET HURT
THEY GET SICK
THEY HEAL

THEY ARE real

THEY ARE NOT AN IDEA or a TOPIC
AND NEITHER AM I.
I AM ALIVE.
I AM BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
I AM A GOOD WOMAM.
I AM GROWING
I AM COMPLETE WITH OR WITHOUT A PARTNER AND WILL ALWAYS BE
AND I HAVE DREAMS OF A FAMILY STRUCTURE
ALL OF MY DREAMS DO NOT COME TRUE
AND DESPITE ALL OF THE PAIN IN MY LIFE …
IN MY MOTHERS LIFE …
IN MY GRANDMOTHERS LIFE
WE HAVE ALWAYS ENDURED
AND THERE IS SO MUCH JOY TO BE EXPERIENCED.⁷
I NEVER HAD A FATHER AND I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE -
BUT MY CHILDREN DO, AND THEY LOVE THEIR ‘PARENTS’.

WE ARE THEIR CHAMPIONS.

live how you want. follow which ever pattern YOU like.
MY CHILDREN WILL BE LEADERS
and they will not ever be slaves to this society’s failing idea of morality.
THEY OWN THEIR MINDS AND THEIR DREAMS.

BIRTH CONTROL lol … could have 10 babies instead of 2.

I LOVE CHILDREN AND I WILL HAVE AS MANY AS GOD WILL GIVE ME.

I AM VERY HEALTHY AND RESPONSIBLE AND SO ARE ALL OF MY PARTNERS

I CHOSE THEM WISELY AND SOBERLY.

ALL GOOD BROTHERS.

your opinions lack experience and are not only careless but also very uninformed and immature.

nothing is sacred here. and i see why.

if i loose you as a fan because i want to continue to have children then
FUCK OFF… WHO NEEDS YOU ….CERTAINLY NOT ME … KICK ROCKS … CALL TYRONE … PACK LIGHT …. BITE ME⁸

i have defended myself here ON THIS SITE and hurled a few insults.. but only in response to your insults of
my music, my clothes, my lyrics, my hair, my being a woman, my spirit, my choices of partners….
these have all been on trial here. and i continued to support the energy of this place.

this is to all the okay players / REAL HUMAN BEINGS hiding behind screen names in order to insult one another and who ever else you will.

geeeez…
i had to say something
i am so sad for parents who try, today guys
enough is enuf.

dont judge to quickly, OKAY PLAYER?

i know you are having fun, but what if it were you and your children?
my son is 10.
my daughter, 4.

peace

ANALOGUE GIRL

and if this post is not clear
kiss my placenta.

**************

FOOTNOTES:

1. I am mindful of this going forward with my children. I want them to see happiness and joy and harmony and peace and LOVE..... not just a "union". My example wasn't the best, even though by society's view it was. And I didn't want to repeat that for them, because I saw it coming like a looming fog.

2. The "ideal" is hard to come by in ANYTHING in life. Sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes things change. Sometimes people just come into your life for a time, but then it's time for them to go. I don't want to be someone who marries and divorces and marries and divorces and marries and divorces just because marriage is the societal "gold standard". Pshaw! Anyone who thinks about that for more than 7 seconds knows that marriage isn't always the sacred, hallowed ground that our society tries to make it out to be, so much so that they will prevent people who love each other from marrying (i.e. same-sex marriages) yet encourage marriages that make no damn sense (i.e. Jamie Lynn Spears).

3. That's the point where I was at...... "longing for relief." And I saw us bringing each other down. And the energy was SO negative that it was painful. And resentment..... oh, I can't even begin to tell you how resentment poisons a home environment.... it's one of the most toxic emotions to a loving relationship. Does this environment create fearfulness?? It does, it does, it does. I was definitely a fearful child.... fearful that the anger and anamosity and conflict was always just around the corner. And still to this day I walk into my parents' house with a bit of anxiety and tension (I don't even wanna think about how many Djarum Black butts are on their front lawn). One of the biggest things I've had to conquer in the past year is FEAR. It's crippling. I don't want my kids to live with that.

4. Um, I did. :(

5. I didn't know until I was 12 years old that my oldest sister is my half sister, and not until years later did I learn that my mother was married before. I love my sister just the same as I love my other sister and brother, and my niece is no less to me than my two nephews. It's all family; it's all love.

6. Even though I'm not an incredibly religious person, I take God very seriously. And it did trouble me that I was breaking/broke the vow I made before God. But I think/hope/pray that (S)He will forgive me. For everything.

7. So much joy to be experienced..... yes. I did not want to be trapped in a toxic bubble--or my children to be trapped in a toxic bubble-- blocking out all the joy that life has to offer, merely for the sake of saying we had a "traditional" family. There is much joy to be had in non-traditional familes, too.

8. *claps hands like an excited child* Tell 'em, Erykah!! No fan lost here FA SHO! This has just made me love Erykah more. I may just be parked outside of Target at 7:55am on July 29th (??) to get New Amerykah Pt. II, and Dwele will be getting evicted from my CD player and iPod for quite awhile.

One day, on your own terms........?

A new addition to my list of all time favorite movies is Juno. It is near and dear to my heart obviously because it is a movie about teenage pregnancy. The Ex and I had our son when we were sophomores in high school..... I was not quite 16. I have basically put a mental block on that entire year, and even the rest of high school after that is kind of fuzzy. The movie Juno, however, was/is highly effective in dredging up all those burried emotions. Whenever I need to get a good cry out, I put Juno in the DVD player (I could use one now in fact).

The scene that causes me to just absolutely lose it is towards the end (don't worry.... no spoilers here) when Juno is laying in the hospital bed and her dad tells her not to worry, that one day she'll be back on her own terms. Now that I'm divorced at the age of almost 30, the odds of being back "on my own terms" have dramatically dropped. Sure, I know that most of my friends don't have any kids yet, but I am in the unique situation of having a child that will be gone to college in 4 years..... COLLEGE. The thought of having to haul a diaper bag when I go to visit my son at Such-and-Such University kind of gives me the willies. But, hey......who knows.

Anywho, this is how I feel when I watch Juno (whilst imbibing..... it was a bad night).......

************

(originally posted April 17, 2008)

"....one day, you'll be back here on your own terms." ~ Juno's Dad, Juno

Will I ever be back on my own terms?? Two kids, never on my own terms. I fucking love this movie, but it just makes me so sad..... so, so very sad. This is the 3rd time I've seen in..... twice in the theater, and went and bought it on DVD today. And I'm running it for the second time right now. Partly because I love the soundtrack dearly. And partly because I'm a masochistic fuck. There are SO many good one liners.... it's such a good movie..... perhaps because it hits me in the gut, but then again does it in the style of humor that is so me. "Up the Spout" is such an appropriately named track..... it plays when she's taking her 3rd pregnancy test. And maybe I like Tire Swing so much because it's the song that plays when she's on her way home from taking her last test, knowing that she is, for shizz, up the spout.

("I had a dream that I had to drive to Madison......to deliver a painting for some silly reason.... I took a wrong turn and ended up in Michigan..... Paul Baribou took me to a giant tire swing......" I can't ever figure out if the "silly reason" is delivering the painting, or ending up in Michigan. )

I've been for shizz up the spout..... twice. Being up the spout is not a good thing. Its one of those "oh fuck" moments, not "oh congratuations this is a blessed event" moments. And "oh fuck" moments are followed by many "woah is me" moments. Funny how the same scenario in two different settings can be so radically differently perceived. That's what I was saying the other day about truth..... there's no such thing as absolute truth. It's all a matter of perception..... truth is seen through the lenses of perception. I guess there is an absolute truth somewhere, but not in the grasp of humans.

Anyway..... Juno. I've drank 1.4 bottles of wine watching Juno this fine eve. And it's about to be 1.7 after I get this next hefty glass. *pause* Ok, fresh glass. I know my son saw me crying, though I hope he didn't. Kids are so good with self-blame...... it's not his fault, not his cause, not his problem. I'm not sad or regretful that I have him. He's the most wonderful son a mom could ask for. But even when you make the best of a bad situation, it still is a bad situation, and fucks you up accordingly. Maybe not on the daily, but at times.... like, when you watch Juno, and you're back in the sophomore year in High School and folk are looking at you crazy in the cafeteria and the dumb fuck that's the other half of this extra-human-equasion is telling you that he doesn't need you and he'll just take care of his "responsibility" (i.e. whatever child support gets calculated off his $4.75/hr job at McDonalds..... $35/wk or some shits).

My own terms..... hmmm, wonder what that would be like?? What would it be like to be happy about the impeding arrival of a baby?? What would it be like to have people look at your protruding belly with admiration instead of shame? What would it be like for people to be *truly* happy for you, instead of putting up a fascade around you and then whispering about how sad it is behind your back? Will I ever know?? My son is going to high school next year...... odds are kinda slim. But on the flip side, I'm only 29 flipping years old.

("Paulie is actually great.... in the.... chair." Wish I coulda said the same. First time was..... well...... nevermind. )

I just want someone I can spend time with (ok, so this is totally related to being for shizz up the spout...... but fuckit). He's already got the new stepfamily lined up and everything...... I don't introduce my kids to no damn body cuz it's just never been that deep or been able to be that deep. Can I watch a video with someone?? Can someone come by and bring Mike and Ikes and Milk Duds to my kids so they'll like him while he's watching TV with moms??

(".... kickin it Old Testament....." Hellz yea.)

Why am I running this movie AGAIN for the second time in a row???? Just go put on your iPod, idiot!! Oh yea, the iPod dock is in Offspring 2's room because she can't sleep without the radio, and I can't sleep with earbuds in my ears. I just love how he paints me as the reluctant mother..... I give up my iPod every damn night, dammit! That counts for something!! (joking) Ok, finally starting to feel a little more subdued, even though I know in the AM I'm going to feel like shit on a stick. Ah, the double edged sword of self medicating.......

I just hope my kids love me...... and understand that I'm feeling my way through this shyt. My Son asked me if I was alright tonight......... I told him, honestly, no. I'm not. Just to the right of ok. I'm sure he knows I'm drunk as hell right now, but I keep my drunk to myself. He hasn't seen Juno yet. Maybe when he does he'll understand my mood on April 16, 2008.

If you haven't seen Juno yet, go rent it ASAP. And think of me.

The A Word

Let me first start out by saying that I am, without a doubt, 107.3% pro choice. I'm glad that women have that option and that degree of control over their reproductive health. HOWEVER, I am also a mother and for me personally, as far as I can conceive of right now, abortion is not an option for me. But I'm glad I have that choice.

Now with that disclaimer out of the way, I will say that one of the turning point in my decision process of my divorce centered around this very issue. When I separated from my ex, I knew for certain it was something necessary for me, yet I still struggled with the decision of whether actually going through the divorce was what I really wanted to do. My Ex would ask me incessantly what I was going to do, when was I going to file, why don't I just get it over with. And everytime the answer was the same: I. Don't. Know. Even after I filed (pro se, that's a whole 'nother story) I still wasn't 100% certain about actually going through with it. And even still after the preliminary hearing, I still wasn't convinced.

In January of this year, after I found out our son had been accepted to private school for high school (I have a high schooler.....every time I think about that it gives me a lil twinge of shock/fear/awe) I thought that maybe I should give Us another try. We had been getting along better, had even spent Christmas together, so I agreed to explore the option of reconciliation.

So we're having one of our honest heart to hearts (which with him are always dangerous.....I've learned that with him its best to plead the fif and keep it moving) and he drops a BOMB on me: he'd gotten some chick pregnant ALLEGEDLY, and that he was going to have to pay for her abortion. I. Felt. Sick. At first he told me he'd already done it, but later I found out she'd yet to go.

So many conflicting thoughts and emotions were going through me during those few weeks. I was angry at The Ex for being so stupid and irresponsible (he claimed it was a one night stand, not even someone he was seeing regularly) and angry at him for bringing this issue into our family. I was sad that this woman had to go through that and was faced with that decision and felt compassion for her having been faced with that decision myself twice before (both times, at 15 and 19, I opted to keep my children). It made me do some serious soul searching, because on the one hand I was, I guess, hoping that she went through with it so it wouldn't be something that I had to deal with going forward (baby mama drama and all that), but then on the other hand I thought about my own children and the fact that this was potentially a SIBLING of theirs, and how growing up, and to this day, I never regarded my half-sister as anything but my sister just as equally as I regarded my full sister and brother. That inner conflict hurt me to the core of my soul. I cried. A lot. For myself, for him, for her, for my kids, everyone.

Ultimately, she did get the abortion. Even though that situation was "over", it wasn't over. I wouldn't go so far as to say I couldn't forgive him because one of the major things I've worked on for myself is my willingness and ability to forgive (myself as well as others), but it was definitely a factor that had me leaning toward permenant Splitsville. It seems to me if he'd really been serious about wanting to get back together all that time, he would have made sure that we wouldn't have had to deal with something as serious as an outside addition to our family, because that's potentially could have been. I just couldn't handle that level of carelessness and negligence.....downright recklessness. And not to say that I didn't have folk that I'd dealt with, but I made for DAMN sure that an unwanted pregnancy was not going to be an issue. That was a level of complication I did not want in our lives.

I still think about her from time to time. I hope she's ok.