Maybe.....

Zen Koan titled “Maybe”.

(A Koan is a story, dialogue, question, or statement in the history and lore of Zen Buddhism.)

A farmer’s horse ran away. His neighbors gathered upon hearing the news and said sympathetically, “That’s such bad luck.”

“Maybe,” the farmer replied.

The horse returned on his own the next morning, and brought seven wild horses with it. “Look how many more horses you have now,” the neighbors exclaimed. “How lucky!”

“Maybe,” the farmer replied.

The next day, the farmer’s son attempted to ride one of the wild horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. “How awful,” the neighbors said. “It looks like your luck has turned for the worse again.”

The farmer simply replied, “Maybe.”

The following day, military officers came to town to conscript young men into the service. Seeing the son’s broken leg, they rejected him. The neighbors gathered round the farmer to tell him how fortunate he was.

“Maybe,” said the farmer.

****************

This koan is a perfect illustration of my attitude toward life that has gotten me through everything of the past few years.... my divorce, my job change, and all the upheaval in between. When you're going through a divorce -- or any major life change for that matter -- it's easy to feel like everything is going wrong, you life is destructing before your eyes, and it's tempting to view every setback as the worst thing that could possibly happen.

The reality is that we never know what life has in store for us next, and what events in life are setting us up for the next good (or bad) thing. I can't even describe all of the positive things that have arisen from the negatives in my life over the past 2 years..... people I've met, relationships I've formed, experiences that I've had, opportunities that have arisen. It's important to open up your heart and your mind to the possibilities of life.... THAT is what will help get you through the hard times. So the next time something seemingly bad happens and you're thinking that your life has just taken a turn for the very worse, just stop and think...... maybe.

Predictions of Change: Part Deux

There been times that I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will.

~Sam Cooke, "A Change is Gonna Come"

I quoted this song lyric in a blog post I wrote back on Wednesday, April 25th, 2007 in my old MySpace blog (and later republished on AID under "Predictions of Change (kind of eerie)") no less than 3 DAYS before the excrement hit the air conditioning and it was curtains for my marriage. I go back and read that and it kind of creeps me out.....Intuition is a powerful, powerful thing, loved ones.

Back in April 2007, I didn't know WHAT was coming. I didn't know in 3 days I'd be separated and on the road toward divorce; I didn't know that my career would take a serious nosedive (though I'm not going to say it ever crashed.... just was in a low altitude holding pattern for awhile) and in 8 month I would no longer be employed full time, didn't know I'd get to the point where I had to pawn old jewelry for gas money, and all the other bad things that I've recounted in this blog.

But here are other things that I didn't know were coming as well..... I didn't know I would meet such great people who have helped me get through everything and have held me down when I needed it most..... sometimes financially, but mostly emotionally. I didn't know that after hitting rock bottom, I'd emerge from the wreckage with the tools I needed to change my outlook on life. I didn't know that I would radically change my coping skills and become a much more positive and patient person. I didn't know that I would learn that I don't need as much stuff as I think and that I'd realize how much wasteful spending I was doing. I didn't know I would realize how to stand on my own two feet.

Well, a change for the better is finally coming, loved ones. I met with my future boss to talk details about the position at the firm that I will be working at starting in January. I'd just come from my $10/hr temp job feeling really beat down and loser-ish. I'd been talking to the folks at this firm since June... yes, JUNE.... about a position with them, but there had never been any talk about how much I would make there. I had mentally prepared myself for a serious pay cut since I was coming from a firm of 250+ attorneys and would be going to one of less than 10.

So I sit down and we exchange pleasantries, and then he puts the numbers out on the table. The best way to describe my reaction would be that it was very similar to what happens when a program stops responding in Windows Vista, and the screen kind of grays out a little and the "Not Responding" message comes up..... yea, that's what happened to me for about 30 seconds as he continued to talk. I'm not going to put all my business out there like that, but let's just say it is a SIGNIFICANT increase from what I was making at my old firm (like an 18% increase). And not only that, but my billable hour requirement will be LESS than what it was at my old firm. And not only that, but the firm is minority owned (but still diverse). And best of all, I really do feel like I'm going to be at a place where my contributions and intellect will be respected and appreciated.

I always say that everything happens for a reason and everything in the universe works out the way it is supposed to, and I'm so happy to see my mantra in action. Exactly a year ago I decided to leave my big firm, six figure job and step out on faith and a whim, because I knew I needed some change. This past year has been filled with ups and downs (mostly downs), stops and starts, lots of closed doors and false hopes. Yes, the negative things did upset me, but I never let them bring me all the way down because I knew that things would work out the way they are supposed to. Every time I got a "thanks but no thanks" letter, or no call back, or no response, I'd say a prayer: "God, please place me where I need to be." And when I'd get those rejections, I'd think "That must not be where I was supposed to be."

I'm not an overly religious person..... in fact, me and organized religion are quite at odds with each other. But I am a spiritual person who believes in God, and I believe that God is everywhere and in everything nudging and influencing the moving parts of life. One of my favorite books that truly had an impact on how I view life is Paul Coelho's "The Alchemist", and the main premise of the book is that the Universe consipires to help us reach our destiny (please read it, loved ones). This past year has really taught me to be patient and let God move those pieces, even when I couldn't see them moving. I'm just in awe sometimes when I think about how everyting fits and flows together, things you wouldn't even think have an impact, not only in your life but in others' lives. It's really too much to go into here, but just know that everything-- good and bad-- truly does happen for a reason, even if you don't see that reason for years to come, and maybe not even in your own life. But it all works out the way it is supposed to, loved ones.... it truly does.

Forgiveness: A relationship with time

The act of forgiveness is the act of returning to present time.
And that's why when one has become a forgiving person,
and has managed to let go of the past,
what they've really done is they've shifted their relationship with time.

~ Caroline Myss ~

I once heard forgiveness defined as the letting to of the desire to see another person suffer. When someone has wronged us, we naturally want them to pay for what they have done.... some retribution of sorts. The inability to forgive, however, is desiring to see that person pay that retribution over, and over, and over again. Until we completely let go of that desire, we have not truly forgiven. This is one of the most difficult feats of humanity, and even harder than forgiving others is the act of forgiving one's self.

I did something to hurt someone that I really care about (and no, for once I DON'T want to discuss it). We've discussed it a few times and I always remind him that I'm sorry for what happened, but can't go back and change the past and bottom line that there's nothing I can do or say about it to make it better and that all I can do is move forward. I think this has been misinterpreted as a lack of remorse or some sort of after the fact justification..... not at all. I am really sorry about the situation, and I am saddened by how it changed things, but I've also accepted that I must live in the present and I must forgive myself. I can't continue to beat myself up over something I cannot change.

Living in the past and wishing you could go back and change things is pointless. Conversely, wishing another person can go back and change what they did is pointless, too. What you can change and control, however, is how you deal with the present moment. Forgiveness is a matter of not focusing on the past, but instead focusing on the present and the future.... a shift in a relationship with time. And true forgiveness is not reverting back to the past period.... you can't say you forgive a person and be okay with them 90% of the time, but have that 10% constantly hanging over their head. That 10% still leeches into the fibers of the relationship and taints it, and ultimately destroys it.

I know this is a challenge, loved ones, but think about someone who has wronged you and make an effort to let go of the hurt, bitterness, and desire for emotional retribution. Or better yet, think of something that YOU have done to hurt someone else that you are beating yourself up over, and make efforts to accept that what is done is done and forgive yourself.

Unforgiveness is the poison you drink every day
hoping that the other person will die.

~ Debbie Ford ~

Radical Acceptance of What Is

Ok, so in my last (very) recent post I mentioned a concept called Radical Acceptance, and I feel the need to expound upon this a little more. People sometimes wonder why I'm so calm about things and mistake it for not caring, or a "fuckit" mentality (which is an entirely different, more nefarious state of mind). No, it's not that, its just that I accept things for what they are, change what I can, and fuck deal with the rest.

I have been through A LOT over the past year and a half..... much more than the average person can process and handle. So instead of trying to fight and control and worry about every little thing (because that's what got me here), this is how I now cope with life. And I have to say, it's actually pretty useful and healthy way to deal with life (350 million Buddhists can't be wrong)..... I can think of a lot worse ways to cope with things.

So, here it goes......

*************************

Radical acceptance is the practice of accepting life on its own terms and finding effective strategies to cope with whatever is happening. It doesn't mean being passive, but accepting "what is" with the understanding that you have the power of choice. Practicing radical acceptance is a choice that can ease stress and depression and enhance your overall quality of life.

1. Love and be gentle with yourself. Understand that real love must come from within. Radical acceptance means treating yourself as you would treat someone that you truly love.
Praise yourself. Tell yourself how well you are doing and stop criticizing yourself. Write down things you have done that make you feel proud and refer to it when you're experiencing feelings of self-doubt.

2. Accept yourself. Don't listen to the little voice in your head that says you aren't good enough. Accept the way you are, right now, without judgment.

3. Find ways to support yourself. Practice radical acceptance by reaching out to friends and loved ones and allowing them to support you.

4. Forgive yourself. Have compassion for yourself and where you are in your life. Acknowledge any real or perceived wrongs that you may have perpetrated in the past. Apologize if you have wronged others, and then let it go.

5. Lend a helping hand to others. Not only will it make a difference in their lives, but you will feel better and more positive about yourself.

6. Take care of your body, and accept it lovingly. Learn about exercise and nutrition and get adequate rest. Nurture yourself and allow yourself to feel good.

(from eHow: "How to Practice Radical Acceptance")

Smiling behind the clouds

I admit..... I am a recovering pessimist:

Main Entry:	pessimist
Part of Speech:	noun
Definition:	A prophet of misfortune or disaster.
Synonyms:	Cassandra, doomsayer, worrywart

See?? It's right there. I really can't help it.

And often I use my blogs as an outlet for my frustrations, which I realize makes me seem like an overly negative and downright miserable person. Not so. Well, not so much anymore (remember, I said "recovering"). The transformation in my way of thinking about the world has been RADICAL over the past year and a half. This becomes extremely apparent now when I talk with my friends, most of which I know from law school, which lends to a more pessimistic attitude (because pessimists are more successful than optimists in law school.... it's a fact). We have a tendency to catastrophize, be an all-or-nothing thinker, "should on" ourselves, and overgeneralize......all those forms of distorted thinking, and I would be the Grand Poobah at the pity party. Now I try and tell my friends to calm down, not worry, change their way of viewing a situation, and all those good things that Zen teaches us (or me, anyway..... I don't know about you), and sometimes it even bothers me because the distortions are so glaringly obvious. But, old habits die hard, and days weeks like today this week I feel that old "woe is me" feeling starting to creep over me like kudzu in Georgia and I start thinking of illegal creative ways to score some Wellbutrin.

WELL NOT TODAY DAMMIT!!!

I'm going to go through everything that's bothering me (ok, so just a few things) and find its positive spin. Even if it kills me. Ok, not really, but in the hyperbolic sense.

1. I'm lonely.

Well, duh, you just kicked your mate of damn near 15 years to the curb and it's kind of hard to get back up to speed after that. But more importantly, speed isn't necessary. This is a time where I need to take advantage of something I've never had...... Me Time. And not Me Time in the sense of having time to myself to chill or do something fun (because I have more of that now, actually, with having to share custody of the kids), but in the sense of figuring out who I am and what I want without any interference from someone with their own agenda for me. I need to seize this opportunity to heal myself, because divorce is emotionally destructive like Hurricane Gustav, and it takes time to clean up the wreckage. You can't just run in and start slapping up structures on top of the wreckage..... you have to clean up first, THEN rebuild. Likewise, I shouldn't worry about throwing a new relationship on top of my emotional clean-up project (because if you assume (like my Ex) that divorce doesn't hurt the protagonist of separation, too, you are dead freaking wrong). I just need to remember that this is a process, and to be grateful that I have the time to go through the process...... I don't feel the pressure to rush into a new relationship because of a biological clock, or the need for financial support (eventually.... I'll get to that). There's no panic, there's no rush. *woo sah*

2. I'm broke and working a menial job.

I started my temp job this week, and yes, it sucks badly, more so emotionally and egotistically than anything......I make less in a day than I could potentially earn in an hour, but those goodie good hours are few and far between working as half-hearted solo practitioner who would much rather have an office that isn't parked in front of the TV. Ok, so it doesn't suck THAT bad..... it's laid back, people are cool, I don't have to dress up, it's mindless, and I can sit and listen to my most favoritest DJ's mixes on my iPod (if he would ever get me my CD!! *points finger menacingly*). I suppose it could be worse. But beyond that, this experience is teaching me humility and that there are a lot of things I can go without. I don't have to go buy a new shirt or dress (even from the clearance rack at Target) every time I want to go out to an event somewhere. I don't need the eyeshadow beckoning to me from the end cap display at the store. Pre-gaming with Oliver Wines is a good thing..... or even better still, no need to get shitfaced have several drinks when I go out. I'm more conscious of where and how often I drive, I pay more attention to prices in the grocery store..... all of those things I didn't do when I did have the six-figure gig, but which I should have been doing. Now I know better. As my ex-work spouse says "That'll learn ya."

But most importantly, it is forcing me to accept that a job does not define who I am and what my worth is. So much of my identity came from being the Big Firm attorney..... but that is what I DID, not who I AM. I am a mother, I am a friend, I am a lover; I support people I care about; I love music, I love books, I love writing, I love nature; I am spiritual, I am caring..... none of those things have anything to do with where I spend 8+ hours a day making a living or how much money I make doing it or whose ass I had to kiss to get there or how many people I have kissing mine. I think I had to lose all that to appreciate those things about me that were being suffocated and stifled by being defined by my career. I'm struggling now, but I know I will come out of this having changed for the better (and still with a cum laude law degree, dammit), and will appreciate my paycheck just a little bit more, and will keep it more in perspective.

3. I'm heartbroken.

This is the 8000 lb elephant in the room that keeps kicking shit over, and I keep picking things up and gluing them back together like nothing happened, but I'm ending up with a lot of broken shit everywhere so I think it's time to address the offending pachyderm. I have got to remember that everything happens for a reason, and things work out the way they are SUPPOSED TO. I keep having to tell myself "be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it".......though I've seriously given up hope of ever getting it (although, stranger things in life have happened). I have to keep reminding myself that the reasons why our relationship could not work are the same qualities that would probably ultimately destroy it in the end anyway (again, so I must tell myself, but who knows, who knows.....). Some people come into your life for a reason, and I have to make myself believe that he fulfilled that reason, and now it is time to let go and move on.... and I mean truly move on mentally and emotionally. And this goes back to my earlier discussion about cleaning up the emotional wreckage...... if my divorce was Hurricane Gustav, this was the tornado that came along in the aftermath. But this was truly a life learning experience for me..... I'd never experienced heartbreak. I'm now weathering something I should have dealt with a few times over by this point in my life. I'm learning how to let go without turning to hate (like my Ex has). At times it has been hard not to turn my feelings to bitterness and hatefulness (and subsequent hateful behavior..... not cool), which is the quick and dirty method of dealing with heartbreak. I feel like I will eventually be a better person for walking away and moving on while still maintaining a level loving kindness (i.e. "love without attachment".... again, a Zen thing) for him, which is that level of caring that makes me not turn to a scorched earth policy and make his life a living hell (which is hard to resist since it keeps getting done to me by my Ex, so there's a tendency to pay that bullshit forward, but BECAUSE I know personally how shitty that is, I won't/can't do it). This shit sucks now, but I know it won't be forever, no matter how that works out..... and it will work out how it is supposed to with no intervention from me. *sits on hands*

*************

Ok, so that wasn't 100% positive, but it's a recovering pessimist's positive, and my own dark humor version of positive. I just don't have it in me to be happy-go-lucky. But this is me. And I'm happy to be who and how I am. Don't let the gloom and doom fool ya..... I'm still smiling behind the clouds.

Realizations in You Life (My Mantras)

Over the past year I have really transformed my thinking and attitude as a way to cope with all of the upheaval and turmoil in my life. I'm sure I've used this quote before, but it bears repeating: “Sometimes God calms the storm, sometimes He calms the sailor.” The storm is not over, that's for sure, but what is over is my frenzied response to everything going on in my life. In 2005 I received a fortune cookie that said "You will come to realizations in you life that will change you forever." I held onto that fortune not only because the glaring typographical error tickled me, but it also spoke to me. Now, 3 years later, I realize that cookie was abso-fucking-lutely right.

So, below are some of my "mantras" (or my realizations) that I use to get through everyday life. No, I don't sit around chanting om mani padme hum or anything like that (tho that is a good one if you are into chanting and meditation.... I actually a Chenrezig/Guayin necklace that I can't seem to find anywhere), but rather these are some real life practical ones that are suited to how my brain works. So there you go......

1. Everything works out the way it is supposed to.

This is a variation on "everything happens for a reason"..... for some reason, I just don't like that phrase, I think because it makes you search for a reason that may not be readily apparent. This concept also helps me accept that even though things may not turn out the way I WANT them to, this is the way it's supposed to be, and there's an underlying reason for it that I may or may not ever become aware of, or may become aware of years from now, and I just have to accept that. In the end, in the grand scheme of things, everything will be okay.

2. It will get done.

I developed this one in law school (and prior to the whole "git er done" thing came about), where we had 50-100 page reading assignments (that's per day, per class), oodles of cases to brief for class discussion, and a 50+ page article I had to write for law review, all while battling the most hellacious depression and general state of brokeassededness ever. This then carried over when I started working at The Firm where I started eating dinner more at work than I did at home (but at least they fed us good..... we had dinner delivered from downtown restaurants). I developed the mentality that not getting something done was just not an option. (Actually, I have to backtrack and say this mentality started in undergrad when I had my CORE business classes and we had the huge mega group project that spanned 3 classes and was a requirement for graduation.) There was just no sense in getting all freaked out over everything I had/have to do, because it has to get done. And it will get done. And then I can breathe.

3. Let it go.

This is a HUGE one that I discovered the importance of through my reading about Zen, and is a key priniciple of Zen philosophy. It's based on the idea that pain in life is unavoidable, but suffering is. And suffering arises from attachment. When you hold on to painful feelings and thoughts, that's what causes you to suffer. Let those go, and the suffering associated with that pain ceases. And if Eastern religions and philosophies aren't your thing, it's basically the Cliff Notes version of the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Part of letting go is acceptance of things the way they are and letting go of the wish that they were different and the frantic, futile attempts to change them (when we have no control over the situation, that is). It's letting to of that desire to control everything.

4. 5 years from now, none of this will matter.

When things seem at their bleakest, their most arduous, and everything seems like I disaster, I stop and think that whatever I'm going through now, I won't be going through forever. Five years is really an arbitrary time period, but one that holds true...... think about something that was keeping you awake at night 5 years ago. Are you still worried about it now? Probably not. And if so, you probably need to let it go. Things in life change so quickly and drastically, so to let something that is, by it's very nature, a temporary situation just destroy you is tragic. TRUST ME ON THIS ONE.

5. Tragedy + Time = Comedy

I had to steal this one from Chris Rock, discussing his motivation behind his show "Everybody Hates Chris": "'I went through all this stuff,' Rock tells JET. 'It wasn't funny at the time, but tragedy plus time equals comedy as they say. I'm over it. Hey, I won. That's how I look at it.'" Word, my damie...... sa da tay. I've been through a lot of crazy shit in the past year. A lot. And truly crazy (that's what this blog is all about, after all). It sure the hell wasn't funny at the time (like walking out and seeing profanity spray painted across my Civic), but you know, I can laugh about it now, and I do laugh about it now, and I don't mind when other people laugh about it now. Bitchassed behavior really is quite comical (once the mess is cleaned up). Its my way of coping with bad things that happen in my life.

6. C'est la vie/So it goes

This just means "that's life.... shit happens..... oh well...... what can you do." The first phrase is (obviously) french, and who can forget the song from the 80's by Robbie Nevil that had me dancing around in my underwear as a little girl. The second phrase is from Kurt Vonnegut's "Slaughterhouse Five" (I *heart* Vonnegut, perhaps because I too have a dark comedy streak), which to me has a more melancholy connotation perhaps because it's how the Tralfamadorians think about dead people (''When a Tralfamadorian sees a corpse, all he thinks is that the dead person is in a bad condition in that particular moment, but that same person is just fine in plenty of other moments. Now, when I myself hear that somebody is dead, I simply shrug and say what the Tralfamadorians say about dead people, which is 'So it goes'.''). Obviously, I don't use it to refer to dead people, but more often than not when I uses it, it's either preceded or followed by a *sigh*. In either case, it's just life, and there's nothing you can do about some things. Accept them and move on.