Independence is overrated

Much ado is made about the appeal of the "independent woman" versus a more "traditional woman", particularly among the black community. Quick..... name 5 songs about "Independent" women! *cue Jeopardy music*

1. "Miss Independent" by Ne-Yo
2. "Independent" by Webbie
3. "Independent Woman" by Destiny's Child
4. .....
5. ......

Crap, I'm drawing a blank. Anyway, you get the idea.

Yes, there is a certain appeal and value to a woman who can provide for herself and contribute to a relationship. However, the Dark Side of this independent woman movement is the A.B.W. Syndrome..... the woman who will hoot and holler that she doesn't need a man for a DAMN thing and she can do everything by her DAMN self, and DAMN a sexist ass man for expecting her to submit, or compromise, or anything that goes against exactly what SHE wants with her stupid checklists and unrealistic demands for perfection when she herself is one hoof away from being a wildebeest with a Mussolini attitude to match.

Ladies..... that's not cute.

I would consider myself to be independent..... whether my bills get paid does not depend on whether or not I'm in a relationship and/or how well I "put it on him" last night. My plan for financial success does not include how I'm going to rope in a man to take care of my finances. I also know how to change a tire, put together a book shelf, install a ceiling fan, hook up a router, I can even stain and polyurethane. On the flip side of that, I think I do have a few qualities that may be at odds with the hard-core feminist notion of the "independent woman" that, in my opinion, make me a pretty decent catch:

1. I can cook.

I always hear about guys complaining that women today can't cook. I thought this was just an over exaggeration and they meant that these women couldn't cook like momma or grandma with the meals that you have to start cooking at 3pm in order to be done by 6:30, because SURELY there are plenty of women out there who really need to have more fabric to cover their asses in the club who are obviously eating good. But I fully realized the magnitude of this problem this past weekend when I got up and made my beau breakfast..... he said that was the first time in his 28 years of life that a woman he was dating made him breakfast (aside from some eggs once, which he said were too nasty to eat). I almost didn't believe him. And it's not like I made come complicated breakfast..... Belgian waffles, turkey bacon, and scrambled eggs. Ladies, these are not hard things to make. A $30 waffle iron, some $3 belgian waffle mix, a $1.50 can of apple pie filling, turkey bacon thrown in the oven or skillet, and scrambled eggs.... I don't even EAT scrambled eggs but they're not that complicated where I couldn't figure them out.

Ladies, I'm not saying you need to become a gourmet cook or your man's grandma reincarnate. Start simple... hell, start INSTANT. Example: Spaghetti.... I've never met a man who doesn't like spaghetti. Find a sauce that you like (don't eff with Ragu unless you plan on seriously doctoring it up, which is NOT simple), cook noodles for 7 to 9 minutes (longer if you use whole wheat), , get a bag of pre-cut romaine lettuce & some Caesar dressing (I recommend the stuff that's in the refrigeration case with the salad mix... those tend to be better) throw some Parmesan cheese & croutons on it and you have a whole meal. Target is great for interesting instant meals..... their tortellini (boil for 5 minutes) with some marinara sauce is one of my favorites. My point is that you should find some simple GOOD meals and get proficient at making them. It will go a LONG way, trust me.

2. I respect sports.

Notice I didn't say I LIKE sports, at least not on the level that most men like sports. But I respect when important games are on and I will either not protest to it being on the TV, or, even more noble, I don't mind if he wants to go watch it with his boys. I don't throw a hissy fit and demand that we watch MY show, because chances are MY show will come on again. And I do try to know a little bit about the games, who's playing, who the key players are, at least the basic rules (mostly thanks to years and years of watching youth sports) so that when he does choose to stay home and watch the game with me I can actually enjoy it (to a degree) too.

Love it or hate it, but always respect it..... men and sports go together like peas and carrots. It's not going to change. You're not going to change it. Stop fighting it, accept it move on. It is simply a battle you will not win in the long run, and your short term wins will be pyrrhic victories.

3. I accept chivalrous acts.

Ok, I admit, this is something that I am actively working on, but more so because I hate to inconvenience people than having the attitude of "I can do it all myself I don't need you step off." It's just a fact that men like to feel needed and they still have a protective streak about them.... millions of years of instinct fighting off wild animals for us doesn't go away easily. One thing my beau likes to do is give me the shirt off his back.... literally. If he sees that I am cold (especially in the grocery store, where it's always cold) he will offer to take off his shirt so I can wear it. Most times I tell him it's ok, but sometimes I accept his offer. Same goes for opening my car door, letting me get my food first, and carrying heavy things for me. Ladies, let a man be a man sometimes, particularly if you are one who is complaining that there are no good men out there. Chivalry is dead in part because we killed it. Give it a chance to grow sometimes.... you just might like it.

4. I'm submissive.

This can be taken in many ways. *brief pause* But I shall speak on it generally. I am not religious in the traditional sense, but I do believe the man is the head of the household and should have the final say on certain things, and as such I will defer to those decisions. Granted, any man who I am with and would be attracted to would necessarily seek and respect my input and intelligence, so it's not like I'm advocating Coming To America like obedience (no standing on one foot and barking like a big dog for me).

Now, considering that I am in a relationship but not married, this plays less of a role than it would if I were married (membership has its privileges). But I still seek out my man's opinion on some things, and it's not always my way or the highway. We don't always have to see the movies *I* want to see, or go to the restaurants *I* want to go to, or hang out with *MY* friends. Mix it up a little and do what he wants to do sometimes, ladies.... you may just accidentally enjoy it.

5. I'm "creative" intimately.

I've written on the topic of One Stop Shopping before, so I won't rehash what I've already discussed (i.e. stop and go read it). But nothing drives me more insane than a woman who reasons that her man doesn't "respect" her if he asks her to do certain things in the bedroom (or couch, or car, or.......) and exclaiming that she could "NEVER do THAT!" because she's too much of a "lady." Um, no.... not respecting you is him asking someone ELSE to fulfill his fantasies because you won't. There's nothing wrong with being your man's personal Darling Nikki. In fact, you SHOULD be, because think about it...... if not you, then who?

Ok, I'm done with my list for now. I'm sure I can think of some others, in which case I will come back and do a Part Deux. Just remember, ladies, being independent is all fine and good, but still remember that your man likes women, so it's ok to act like a woman from time to time. Nobody is asking you to stay barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, but it won't kill you to do some of those things your grandma used to do for your granddad. It doesn't make you any less strong or independent or less of a person. Just give a little sometimes.

You Snooze, You Lose (more advice from Aesop)

The Tortoise and the Hare

A Hare was one day making fun of a Tortoise for being so slow upon his feet. "Wait a bit," said the Tortoise; "I'll run a race with you, and I'll wager that I win."

"Oh, well," replied the Hare, who was much amused at the idea, "let's try and see"; and it was soon agreed that the fox should set a course for them, and be the judge. When the time came both started off together, but the Hare was soon so far ahead that he thought he might as well have a rest: so down he lay and fell fast asleep. Meanwhile the Tortoise kept plodding on, and in time reached the goal. At last the Hare woke up with a start, and dashed on at his fastest, but only to find that the Tortoise had already won the race.

Slow and steady wins.

*********

Scratch that......to me, the moral of this story is "don't sleep on your competitors." Funny how competition makes people step up, and often times only after it's too late.

So let me explain what hares and tortoises have to do with dating. I had been "talking" to a few guys over the past year or so, but nothing was ever coming of any of the situations, which is fine and good since I was just going with the flow of life and taking things as they came along.... no rush. But it seemed like it was all a matter of convenience as to whether they could get to me and I didn't feel like I was much of a priority.....at least, not as much of a priority status as I feel I need and deserve. Yes, I know, people have lives. I get that quite clearly. But people MAKE time for what's important......as a mother of 2 kids who went to law school and practiced law in a big firm, I know this is true and nobody can tell me otherwise. Anyway, I just got to the point where I started to analyze things and got tired of all the juggling and getting in where I fit in and feeling like I was just chillin' on guys' benches.

I've never been the type to pit people against each other and instigate competition..... that's just not my style because I know personally I probably would be like "Oh really? Good luck with that......I'm out. Peace." because I'm not into jumping through hoops and playing female vs. female games (I think some people are entertained by the battle, like watching dog fighting or something.... go stroke your ego somewhere and with someone else). However, once I started implying/indicating that there was 1 guy in particular that I was spending my time with (combined with the fact that I started going ghost with everyone else), there was a sudden flurry of activity and expressed sentiments that were previously unexpressed. One guy who I wouldn't ever hear from except for the occasional "Yo, whatssup" text (i.e. The Booty Call text) all the sudden started inviting me to lunch and talking like he was actually interested in me as a human being. Another guy who I'd known for awhile and had given my number to and told to call me (and only called once) all the sudden wanted to be disappointed when he heard that someone else was commanding my attention these days. It was just like the hare waking up and realizing that the tortoise got way ahead of him while he was napping. Too. Late.

So, for all the hares out there.....sorry fo ya. You snooze, you lose. If there's a woman you are interested in, don't sit back on your laurels and play stupid hard to get games or try and be ice cold like Andre 3000. And don't let your cockiness or self-perceived swag make you lazy.... you may THINK that she's waiting around for you to make a move, but others are making moves at the same time you're NOT. Chances are if you're interested, someone else is as well. I don't know what y'all are waiting on or holding out for, but don't be surprised when you look up and the race is about to be won.

My Dating Personality

A friend of mine had me take a Dating Test on okcupid.com, which he SWEARS that its results, plus a person's 5 favorite movies, will tell you everything you need to know about a potential boo-thang candidate. There are 32 "dating types" possible (16 male and 16 female) based on a 4 factor combination (Random vs. Deliberate, Gentle vs. Brutal, Sex vs. Love, Master vs. Dreamer). I've been making all of my friends take it just out of sheer curiosity because the results seem to be so on point (not to mention them, and the test itself, are highly amusing). Most of my friends' results weren't much of a surprise (like my two BFFs are The Stiletto (DBSM) and Ghengis Khunt (RBSM)), but there have been a few that have left me scratching my head saying "Huh?" But the test doesn't lie!! (that is assuming that you mindful of the GIGO principle--Garbage In = Garbage Out--and answer the questions honestly). But it is also meant to be humorous, so don't take it TOO seriously (unless it just fits really, really well).

Anyway, here are my results:


The Playstation
Random Gentle Sex Master (RGSM)

Easy to turn on. Hard to beat. You are The Playstation.

You're a nice girl, and you have lots of sex. It's therefore highly likely that you're attractive, and you're certainly outgoing & friendly. Plus, this healthy physical attitude of yours indicates deeper emotional well-being and stability. Unheard of. When guys dare to dream, they dream of you.

You don't get attached too easily, and, to wit, you're not necessarily looking for something long-term right now. That's a bigger asset than you know. Though, physically speaking, you're open to anything, you're keeping your emotional side well-protected. This means there won't be a lot of wreckage to clean up whenever you decide to settle down.

In the meantime, the men you share yourself with actually respect you. Like them, you enjoy sex for its own sake and don't need any other validation for pleasure than pleasure itself. Hopefully, you have the good sense to blow off anyone who thinks less of you for that. Usually, this is the part of the description where we offer some life-correcting advice, but honestly, we can't think of anything about you we'd change. Keep on fucking, partner.

Your exact female opposite:

The Priss

Deliberate Brutal Love Dreamer

Always avoid: The Mixed Messenger (DBLD)

Consider: Anyone else

Take it for yourself: The Online Dating Persona Test

The Art of Seduction: a botany lesson

In an attempt to better arm myself out in the new scary dating world, I decided to read the book "The Art of Seduction" by Robert Greene (also the author of "48 Laws of Power"). I started reading it not so much to get tips and pointers to learn how to seduce others, but more so to be able to spot attempts to seduce me, particularly those attempts of a more nefarious nature. The first part of the book describes different "seduction styles" to help you identify what variety of seducer that you are. I was so taken by what I feel is my particular seduction style that I went so far as to tattoo its symbol on my body and have started incorporating it in many other aspects of my life (I use it in my business, too). My particular seduction style, according to Robert Greene, is The Dandy (in particular, the Masculine Dandy) and its symbol is the Orchid.



Here's what Greene has to say about my particular seduction style:


Most of us feel trapped within the limited roles that the world expects us to play. We are instantly attracted to those who are more fluid, more ambiguous, than we are—those who create their own persona. Dandies excite us because they cannot be categorized, and hint at a freedom we want for ourselves. They play with masculinity and femininity; they fashion their own physical image, which is always startling; they are mysterious and elusive. They also appeal to the narcissism of each sex: to a woman they are psychologically female, to a man they are male. Dandies fascinate and seduce in large numbers. Use the power of the Dandy to create an ambiguous, alluring presence that stirs repressed desires.

The two emotions that almost every male felt in the presence of Lou Andreas-Salomé were confusion and excitement—the two prerequisite feelings for any successful seduction. People were intoxicated by her strange mix of the masculine and the feminine; she was beautiful, with a radiant smile and a graceful, flirtatious manner, but her independence and her intensely analytical nature made her seem oddly male. This ambiguity was expressed in her eyes, which were both coquettish and probing. It was confusion that kept men interested and curious: no other woman was like this. They wanted to know more. The excitement stemmed from her ability to stir up repressed desires. She was a complete nonconformist, and to be involved with her was to break all kinds of taboos. Her masculinity made the relationship seem vaguely homosexual; her slightly cruel, slightly domineering streak could stir up masochistic yearnings, as it did in Nietzsche. Salomé radiated a forbidden sexuality. Her powerful effect on men—the lifelong infatuations, the suicides (there were several), the periods of intense creativity, the descriptions of her as a vampire or a devil—attest to the obscure depths of the psyche that she was able to reach and disturb.

The Masculine Dandy succeeds by reversing the normal pattern of male superiority in matters of love and seduction. A man's apparent independence, his capacity for detachment, often seems to give him the upper hand in the dynamic between men and women. A purely feminine woman will arouse desire, but is always vulnerable to the man's capricious loss of interest; a purely masculine woman, on the other hand, will not arouse that interest at all. Follow the path of the Masculine Dandy, however, and you neutralize all a man's powers. Never give completely of yourself; while you are passionate and sexual, always retain an air of independence and self-possession. You might move on to the next man, or so he will think. You have other, more important matters to concern yourself with, such as your work. Men do not know how to fight women who use their own weapons against them; they are intrigued, aroused, and disarmed. Few men can resist the taboo pleasures offered up to them by the Masculine Dandy.

Symbol: The Orchid.

Its shape and color oddly suggest both sexes, its odor is sweet and decadent—it is a tropical flower of evil. Delicate and highly cultivated, it is prized for its rarity; it is unlike any other flower.

(Robert Greene, The Art of Seduction)

After reading this, I was quite intrigued and did a little more research into the meaning behind orchids:

Orchids are a long-lasting and particularly elegant type of flower. Their graceful appearance draws immediate attention, and their reputation as an exotic and unusual flower evokes a sense of refinement and innocence. Despite their versatility, there is something distinctly exotic about orchids. They are intricately beautiful to the everyday flower lover and are considered to be some of the world's most evolved flowers to flower specialists.

The orchid has several deep and long-standing meanings. Ironically, some of those meanings are overtly masculine in nature, while others are overtly feminine. On the masculine side, the name "orchis" itself stems from the Greek word meaning testicle, and is associated with the flower because of the shape of the tuberoids which grow on the roots. Among multiple meanings, one meaning the Chinese associate with the orchid is the "Perfect Man."

On the feminine side, the orchid is also a symbol of beauty, charm, and refinement. In Greek mythology, Satyrion - for whom a family of orchids is named- was a nymph who gave birth to a child fathered by Poseidon. Due to its beauty and its fragrance, the orchid is often referred to as the Flower of Magnificence.

Perhaps it is those meanings which combine the masculine and feminine that best represent the orchid flower. In Confucian teachings, the orchid was the symbol for numerous progeny. It was considered a love potion and aphrodisiac in many countries, including Egypt, Germany, China, and Africa.

But as against its external looks, orchids also symbolize strength.

Thus, this is what lead me to the design of Le Divorce Tattoo:

If that isn't seductive, I don't know what is.