Why don't you just GO AWAY??

Anyone who has been married or in a long-term relationship may have encountered this problem: your ex just will not go away and get out of your life as thoroughly as you would like them to. While you are in the relationship, it is ideal for your mate and your family to have a good, fairly close relationship. However, what happens when your relationship ends? What happens to her shopping trips with your sister, or his Sunday Night Football games with your brother? What do you do when your ex is lurking around on Facebook, commenting on your niece's dance recital photos, asking your cousin how her new baby is doing, or swapping inside jokes with your dad? This is particularly troublesome in divorce situations, when your family was, at some point, actually their family, and your family members weren't privy to all of the things that made you hate this individual to the point where you wanted to relationship to end.

These actions by themselves are a major annoyance to you, but then when you start dating again and develop a serious relationship with someone else, the problem becomes tenfold. I am actually experiencing this problem right now, and am somewhat at a loss as to how to address it. For one, no matter how serious I believe my relationship with my beau (of 4 years) to be, we are still at the status of boyfriend and girlfriend, not engaged or married, so the seriousness of our relationship could conceivably (if not realistically) be questioned. Perhaps my family is reluctant to completely cut ties with this person in favor of someone who, as far as they are concerned, could be gone next week. Now, I am exaggerating a bit; I know my family realizes that, after 4 years, my beau is more than just a passing fling to me, but I do think there may be something to be said about the "official-ness" of our relationship (or lack thereof).  Part of me feels like such a confrontation would be premature, and perhaps I need to just wait it out and the problem will take care of itself.

Secondly, I think a major driving factor behind all this is my ex himself. From what I can assess on Facebook, my siblings, cousins and friends aren't really reaching out to him; he is the one lurking and interjecting himself into their lives. (My parents are a bit of a different matter; I am convinced that they are pretty much clueless as to how anything makes me feel, and often go out of their way (in my mind) to still do things for and interact with my ex, presumably for the sake of my kids, but who actually knows). I really think he does this on purpose, to assert his perceived "status" among the members of my family, as opposed to my beau's new and growing relationship with my family. I know what you all are thinking: Just say something to your ex and tell him to leave your family alone. Yes, loved ones, I have already thought about this, but it is one of those situations where as soon as you let someone know that something they are doing annoys you, it only prompts them to childishly do it more because their mission is being accomplished. I feel like the moment I say something, I will just get that shitty little smug laugh that makes me want to punch him in the face, and my Facebook notifications from him will go through the roof. I just don't want to give him that satisfaction. I personally don't deal with his family at all by my own choice, but perhaps because I was never much attached to them in the first place.

What I cannot understand is how the ex's current boo-thang tolerates all of this. If I were her, I would want him to be focused on establishing a new life and connections with me and my family, not trying to hold onto the family of a chick who kicked him to the curb and going out of his way to remain a relevant factor among her people. If I saw my beau chumming it up with his ex's family members, I would be highly irritated and would have probably said something to him myself. But, for whatever reason, whether it's because she doesn't care or because he doesn't care that she cares (knowing him, probably the latter), her protests (or lack thereof) have had no impact on the situation.

All I know is that something must be done, and I have the uncomfortable feeling that it is not going to be pleasant or pretty when it does go down. I am trying to figure out a way to handle this tactfully and effectively in a way that doesn't make me seem like the Petty Bitch. After all, I do still have children with this person, so some level of civility must be maintained, but I also must protect my beau's feelings and usher in the New World Order in which he and I are (or eventually will be) a new family unit, and demand respect for that status. The fact that people have not figured this out on their own and changed their behavior accordingly already tells me that this will be a confrontation, not a conversation. Or perhaps I am blowing this out of proportion, and all that is needed is for me to shed a soft, gentle light on the situation. Or perhaps we just need to adjust our reaction to the situation and see it for what it really is: a pathetic, displaced man who is outside in the cold trying to peer in, and hasn't quite figured out that he just need to keep it moving.

For now I am just biding my time, plotting my strategy, and waiting for the appropriate circular stone-encrusted metal object with which to strike. But I still wonder... am I just overreacting? Is my ex stepping over the line? Is my family stepping over the line by not drawing a line? I just don't want this to be a problem that gets dragged into my new life and festers as resentment toward my family,or becomes a big ugly blow up that levels everything in its path. I just want my ex to go away and get his own new life and family, and leave mine the hell alone.

My UPDATED Dating Personality

A few years ago, I took the highly entertaining, yet eerily accurate, OK Cupid Dating Persona Test, consisting of 32 "dating types" possible (16 male and 16 female) based on a 4 factor combination (Random vs. Deliberate, Gentle vs. Brutal, Sex vs. Love, Master vs. Dreamer). My result back then: The Playstation (Random Gentle Sex Master).  Admittedly, I was simultaneously in a very bad, but very fun, place. My overarching mentality was "fuckit". And my dating personality definitely reflected that.

Fast forward three years. I decided to take the Dating Personality Test again to see just where I am now. And the results are...... *drumroll please*

The Peach

Random Gentle Love Master (RGLM)

"Playful, kind, and well-loved, you are The Peach.

For such a warm-hearted, generous person, you’re surprisingly experienced in both love and sex. We credit your spontaneous side; you tend to live in the moment, and you don’t get bogged down by inhibitions like most women your age. If you see something wonderful, you confidently embrace it.
You are a fun flirt and an instant sweetheart, but our guess is you’re becoming more selective about long-term love. It’s getting tougher for you to become permanently attached; and a guy who’s in a different place emotionally might misunderstand your early enthusiasm. You can wreck someone simply by enjoying him.
Your ideal mate is adventurous and giving, like you. But not overly intense."





Your exact female opposite:
The Nymph - Deliberate Brutal Sex Dreamer

Consider:
The Loverboy (RGLM)
The Playboy (RGSM)
The Boy Next Door (RGLD)

Always Avoid:
The False Messiah (DBLM)

I am pretty pleased with the result.  I went from a Random Gentle Sex Master to Random Gentle Love Master.  I know that I have evolved over the years, but I was somewhat worried that I had changed way too much, gone "soft."  Apparently, not so.  I am still the same fun-loving, spontaneous, free-spirited person, but with one very important change:  "you’re becoming more selective about long-term love."  Being a Playstation was fun, life as a Peach is much, much more satisfying.

The (In)significance of Girlfriends

(This is follow up to the previous post, All's Fair in Love and War.  I suggest you read it.  Thanks.)

Up until about a year and a half ago, it had been a LONG time since I'd held the title of "girlfriend".  Even before holding the title of "wife" for about 9 years, I was "fiance" for a year and a half, and "baby momma" for 5.  Not since I was 15 have I held the title of just "girlfriend"......until now.  I'm sure for most women the status of girlfriend is the norm and utterly commonplace, so I'm sure you have no clue why this makes any bit of difference such that it warrants a blog post (then again, many things written about in blogs don't deserve a blog post).  Patience...... let me explain.

Girlfriends (and boyfriends, too), at first glance, are afforded special status.  To gain that official title means that you play an important and intimate role in someone's life.  However, in reality..... you're one step above nobody.  Here today, gone tomorrow, and nobody (with the exception of a few) hears from or thinks about you ever again.  At best, you become "Who was that chick you messed with a few years ago??  The one with the old kids?", and hopefully not "Man, what was that crazy bitch's name you finally got rid of??"  Girlfriends are some of the most transient, non-permanent individuals in a person's life.  And thus, they are treated as such.

This realization didn't fully hit home until my Son got his first official girlfriend.  She's a nice girl, and so far I like her, but not-so-far in the back of my mind I know this is (hopefully) just a temporary thing in the grand scheme of life.  He's 16 years old, she's 17.  I don't care how much he or she thinks they may be "in love", I know there's a 99.9% chance they will break up eventually, most likely when she goes off to college in a year, if not sooner.  Knowing this (or believing this.... but what's really the difference?), I will be nice, kind, respectful toward their little relationship, but I have no plans on making her an integral part of my family.  (

(Notice I used the word "little".  I find myself using that a lot in reference to their relationship.  I always refer to her as "Q's little girlfriend" though I am constantly reminded by my own beau that she's not "little" and is very much built like a grown ass woman...... the adjective is not used in the literal sense.  But I digress.)

If you're thinking "Well yes, they are kids, of course you wouldn't think of her like that" then let me change the scenario.  I remember once sitting in my friend's basement talking to his then girlfriend (in her mind at least) and she was going on and on about plans to take trips and what they were going to do next year and we should all plan to do XYZ, blah, blah, blah.  I listened, smiled and nodded, gave the occasional "Oh that would be nice" but the whole time in the back of my mind I'm thinking "Chick, you ain't gonna last through the summer."  And I was right, because what I knew that she didn't was that he was a serial monogamist and I'd seen many like her come and go (and then try to hem me up in the club asking why he went).  So while she thought/hoped/wished/fantasized/delusionally believed she was The One, I knew otherwise, so I saw no need to get myself to attached to the idea of her being around.

So, this has me thinking about my own status as "girlfriend" and wondering how I am different from the females mentioned above, and so far I can't think of any reason why I'm not.  Yes, in my reality and his reality I am a very important individual (and vice versa).  But for everyone else around him who has seen girlfriends come and go, at this point in time they have no reason to take me seriously.  In the eyes of the permanent individuals in his life, I'm the current lady friend who sits in the same position as the past lady friend; the next girl who may just as easily become the ex girl.

The implications of this are twofold.  First is not being taken seriously by family, for the reasons stated above.  But second, and more vexing, is the disrespect and toe stepping by "friends".  Now, when my male friends get a new lady friend, I go out of my way to show that I come in peace and try not to make any sudden, threatening moves.  I think, however, that I am in the minority.  In reality, there is the attitude of "Bitch I was here before you, I will be here after you, and who are you to tell me how I can and cannot deal with MY friend" accompanied by that passive aggressiveness that females have gotten down to a science AND and art that's really not about the guy, but more about whatever the female equivalent of a pissing contest would be.  And honestly, unfortunately..... I can't really argue with the logic.  But logic isn't everything and it still pisses me off.  Add on top of this the notion that all's fair in love and war, and as merely the girlfriend I'm a sitting duck for toe stepping, sneak attacks, tomfoolery, and all sorts of other females' reindeer games.

(Do I sound paranoid?? Sorry......there was an incident.)

The reality is until there is some next level of commitment made, whether intentional (engagement/marriage) or unintentional (baby momma), the status of girlfriend means very little to the outside world.  Sometimes it almost feels like a joke, like I'm just waiting for someone actually to cock their head to side, pat me on the head and say "Oh, that's so cute."  I can almost hear the mental speculation as to whether I'll be the one back next year at the company picnic, or a guest at the next wedding, or at the next family function.....

With all that said, none of this really matters.  All that matters is how he and I feel about each other and the level of mutual respect we show one another.  You must walk before you can run, and walking the role of girlfriend is just one of those normal, everyday life things.  Just another one of my observations from my odd vantage point of being a girlfriend for the first time in my adult life, that's all.

All's Fair in Love and War

Maybe she wasn't such a cootie queen after all.

History is always told from the perspective of the winner, not as it actually went down.  Our history books are all written in such a way that applauds the actions of the ones in control and condemns those of the loser.  This is simply one of the spoils of war; the winners get to tell the story the way they want it to be told, and very few actually question it.  This is not only the case in our civilization's history, but love as well. 

Some time last year a good friend of mine was telling me about a new guy she was kickin' it with.  He was a musician, handsome, sexy, and despite the fact that he was staying with her (temporarily til he found another place, supposedly), he had a girlfriend.  I told her run for your life, he's playing you as live-in booty while he plans a life with this chick, you're gonna get your feelings hurt.

Well, last week they got engaged.

There are two schools of thought when it comes to people who are in pre-marriage relationships:  One is that these people are in committed relationships and their relationship should be respected and left alone, and anyone who tries to interfere is just foul and dead wrong.  The other, which was best summed up by my mentor who was a notorious flirt, is "You're single until you're married."  In the Infinite Wisdom of my 20's (and by "Infinite Wisdom" I mean "I thought I had shit figured out and then I actually lived life and was proven terribly wrong") I was of the school of thought that the latter attitude was just awful and an excuse to sleep around for as long as possible.  And even still today I get irritated when someone persists in trying to holla even after I inform them that I have a boyfriend.  But my friend's good news got me thinking about whether this issue is as black and white, right vs. wrong, as I originally thought.

Take my friend as example.  When she first started "dating" her now fiance, 9 out of 10 disinterested women polled on the street would probably tell you she was being a scandalous scallywag for messing with someone else's man.  Now in hindsight though, I would merely have to say "She won."  The ultimate purpose of dating (for most people) is to find someone to build a life with, ideally to marry.  But the fact is that many people are in lackluster, half hearted relationships that they are holding onto for whatever reason, maybe because it's not bad but not really fantastic, or out of habit, or because that's what they think they want, or whatever.  If someone else comes along that is a better match, should they bypass it because of some sense of obligation to the lackluster relationship, or go forward and pursue greater happiness?  Should the interloper walk away from someone showing interest in them because that person is supposedly in a relationship which the interloper has no knowledge of its depth or complexity?

Let's take another example: my very own sister.  She dated a guy from high school for over 5 years, but then her junior or senior year of college she had another guy incessantly in her ear, calling her all the time over the summer, not really caring at all that she had a boyfriend.  That other guy is now my brother-in-law, they have 2 beautiful boys and a wonderful life together.  Had he abided by the "rules" and left my sister alone out of "respect" for her relationship with a guy who honestly was slipping, my sister would not have the life she has today.  My brother-in-law presented himself as the better option, plain and simple.  He won.

I'm not saying that anyone who is not married is 100% fair game and that the follow up question to "Yes, I'm seeing someone" should always be "But are you happy?" because really, that just comes off as rude and disrespectful.  I'm just making the observation that when it comes to love and dating, history rewrites itself such that seemingly questionable behavior all the sudden becomes justified and endearing.  I would be willing to bet that a great number of "how we met" stories involve the scenario "he/she was dating someone already, but I really wanted to get to know him/her" or some other reason why the situation wasn't exactly ideal at the time.  During none of the umpteen times your dad tells the story of how he met your mother do you think "Man, what an asshole", but rather "Wow, he really, really wanted to get with mom."  After the fact we applaud the persistence, the determination, the romanticism, and the poor ex ("Ole Whats-His-Name") just becomes a forgotten casualty of love.

So I guess I do have to agree that, in the grand scheme of life, you really are single until you're married, not in the sense that you can willy nilly do whatever you want in a relationship and use that as a defense (try saying "It wasn't wrong because we're not married" to your boo and see what happens.... you won't be in that particular relationship much longer), but rather there are no guarantees until you say "I do".  Married people are definitely off limits, and at that point you merely become a homewrecker.  But for everyone else, relationships come and go and the reality is that there aren't always clean breaks in between them.  In the end, when it's all said and done, the only person who matters is the one who won.

All is fair in love and war, loved ones..... and the victor gets to rewrite history.

*Disclaimer: AID will not be held responsible for any head busting or beat downs you may catch going after someone else's (wo)man.  Please proceed with caution.

Where I Wanna Be......?

"I would rather be able to appreciate things I can not have than to have things I am not able to appreciate."

~ Elbert Hubbard

When Donnell Jones' "Where I Wanna Be" first came out, I was really pissed.  I liked the song in the abstract, but the lyrics greatly upset me.  I was 21 years old, recently married to my one and only boyfriend, and had two kids ages 6 and 1.  I just thought Donnell was the biggest asshole in the world.  What the hell is this "finding where I wanna be" bullshit?? WTF do you mean that if you love someone you need to leave before you cheat on them?? I felt outraged on behalf of whatever woman was the inspiration for that song, and I'm sure I'm not the only high school sweetheart that felt a little..... threatened.

But then, like with so many other things, I grew up.  And hindsight is a mutha.

High school sweethearts are like puppies.... everyone ooohs and ahhhs and "that's so cute!" at them, but don't think about how they piss and shit all over your house and chew up all your furniture.  The idea of high school sweethearts is nice and all, but in reality you may not only be selling yourself short, but selling your relationship short.  Before you start mentally composing your "Nuhh-uhhh!!" comments telling me about how long you've been married to the captain of the football team for which you were a cheerleader, or how your grandparents got married at 12, just wait for my twisted logic and hear me out.

We often cannot appreciate what we have until we experience and appreciate what we don't have.  And this is where the utility of dating different people comes into play.  Every relationship-- even the crappy one with the psychotic stalker -- is instrumental in your growth as a person and as a potential companion.  You get to learn what you like AND what you don't like, what behaviors are normal and which are extraordinary, and the successful and unsuccessful ways of interacting and communicating.  The ability to compare and contrast is invaluable whether you realize it or not.  I realize it in hindsight because I was not able to compare and contrast, and neither was my ex-husband, because all we knew were each other.  He didn't know how tolerant I was, or how well I could cook, or how phenomenal good I was as a lover, because he had nothing to compare it to.  And I didn't know how I deserved to be treated by a man, because I had no way of comparing.  Our relationship existed in a vacuum, as do most high school sweetheart relationships. 

When I started seeing other people, it was like a whole new world opened up within myself.  You mean to tell me I'm NOT a crazy psycho girl that my ex always told me I was, but am really actually a pretty laid back chick?  So I really AM a fantastic oral advocate (he tried to tell me I wasn't) and can turn a man on at the drop of a hat (he tried to say.... well, never mind... he had some "issues")??  And yes, I can cook my ass off?  Oral sex in and of itself is enjoyable?? No, dudes aren't supposed to sit back and watch their woman fix shit around the house??  All of these things weren't revealed to me until after I had something to compare my first and only relationship with.  And yes, I'm sure there were some positive things about him that I didn't see til I started dating............. I just can't think of any right now.

There is also something to be said about the power of choice.  When you're dealing with toddlers, one technique parenting "experts" tell you to do is to give them the ability to choose between two options when in actuality they'd really rather do neither.  If Suzie doesn't want to put on her sweater, you make the situation a little more tolerable by giving her the choice between her red sweater or her purple sweater.  People, starting before they can even communicate, like to feel like they have control over their lives, and choice is one way of exercising that control.  Being able to choose Option A between A and B is a lot more satisfying than just only having Option A.  It's the psychological benefit of that choice, that control.

While human beings are just slightly more complicated than sweaters, the same concept applies.  I have a friend who is dating a woman he originally dated back in undergrad.  Since then he's been married, divorced, dated woman locally and across the country.  But he said that they now finally realized and accepted how good they were for each other.  Dating (and sometimes marrying) other people gives you an appreciation for what you have now. I'm not saying that before you settle down with the person you potentially want to spend the rest of your life with that you have to go out and play the field one last time to be extra sure. I'm saying that the experience of dating more than one person (not necessarily simultaneously) at some point in your life (hopefully before you meet your soul mate) helps you to be more comfortable with your ultimate choice because you have a better awareness of what your likes and dislikes are, as well as how your mate stacks up in the grand scheme of things.  And also just because you actually have a choice.

So back to Donnell.......I get it now.  Perhaps he went out and dated a few skeezers chicks and realized that his original lady really was the one for him (tho good luck getting her to come back.... that's a whole 'nother issue) or perhaps he realized she wasn't The One, thus saving them both from wasting a lot of time together (and making him, not Usher, the artist behind "Papers").  But at least now he KNOWS [insert GI Joe quote here].

You're staying with WHO??

As I've previously mentioned, I'm dating a man who has a child (I called it "Brady Bunch Dating").  Dating by itself is tricky, but dating when you have kids presents it's own set of unique issues.  We've been over the weekend coordination hurdle trying to get our visitation weekends on the same schedules so we didn't always have a kid (or 2) around every weekend.  We've done the group vacation thing involving last minute negotiations with a baby momma who threatened the week before the trip to punish his son for doing something relatively minor by not allowing him to go with us.  We've listened to each other's tales of woe and frustration dealing with our respective other parents.  Overall it works pretty well, but it has its challenges.

 

Recently I have been faced with a challenge that has tested my ability to focus on priorities over feelings.  Back in December my beau's son's mother had another baby (no not his, thank the Most High) so she was unable to make the 3 hour round trip to their meeting spot on his visitation weekends with a baby in the car.  Whereas many fathers would just say eff it and take the loss on the visitation time, he decided to be the bigger person and instead drive the entire three hour each way trip to where his son lives and just stay the weekend in that city.  Okay, yes I miss him while he's gone, but it's not as bad because I have my own kids on the same weekend (after a year long battle).  But the problem is his accommodations while he's there.  Hotels twice a month would be a ridiculous expense on top of what he was paying for gas.  Originally he was supposed to be staying with a cousin or a fraternity brother, but they all flaked out on him.  The only other person who offered to help was a friend..... a female friend. 

 

Now, from a logical, rational standpoint I said to myself that I was quite sure he was being truthful when he said that she really is, and always has been, just a friend. (No Biz Markey)  But you ladies (and I'm sure guys too) know that feeling.... that icky stomach feeling.... that uncomfortable I-just-don't-like-it feeling?  I think it's called..... um, let me see...... jealousy/insecurity/possessiveness/take-two-steps-back-away-from-my-toes-ness.  It's a natural emotional reaction.  However, where the road forks is when you decide what you are going to do in response to those feelings. 

 

My choice was to put on my big girl panties and not say a damn thing.

 

I know most women would be like "Aw. Hell. To the. Naw." The issue actually was brought up by his son's mother who didn't understand how I could possibly let it happen (to which he responded "And that's why you're not my girl.")  For most women, the thought of their man going every other weekend to stay at some chick's house with his son when you don't know her, never met her, don't know what her angle is or intentions are, is a little too much for most women to bear.  And I'm a woman too so I'm not above those feelings myself.  What I am above, however, is doing anything to interfere with or complicate his time with his child.  Fathers have enough stress to deal with trying to be the best parent they can be given the limited time they have with their kids.  I can't stand when girlfriends/new wives come in and make things even MORE complicated because of how a situation makes them feel.  Guess what, sweetheart?  It's not about you.  You, unfortunately, don't come first, and you never will.  

 

So though I really don't like it and wish it were different, I've shoved those feelings down into the sub-basement, kept my thoughts to myself, and stepped out on faith a little. I really admire and respect everything he puts up with and overcomes to be a good father, so who am I to make things even more difficult.  It did make me feel good the other day when he let me know he actually noticed and thanked me for it, and asked me how I felt about it.  Because even though there's nothing to be done about it, I appreciated being able to get my feelings out. 

 

I'm not saying you have to blindly go along with any story your man or woman throws at you using their child as an alibi, which isn't cool either (but happens).  Just don't over complicate an already tough and complicated situations by always demanding that your feelings come first.  You may win the battle in the short term, but in the end nothing good comes of pitting your man against his child.  Not his child's mother... his child, because that's who ultimately gets affected.

That's not your wifey

I have a serious, major, infuriating pet peeve right now, and it concerns the word "Wife".

Today on Twitter, the trending topics of the day included #dontwifeher/#wifeher and #dontcuffhim/#cuffhim. Now, for all of my non-urban readers (or those of us who still have not had our Black Card reinstated), let me give you a little background on the terms:

1. wifing -- when a guy decides to make one girl, his number one. At this point he will be talking about loving you, buying you stuff.

2. wifey --
a. A REAL Lady, Not your only but your favourite, different from them hood rat chicks. Sexy in everyway possible, when she smiles it's sexy, even when she's mad at you it's sexy.
"I'm gon make her my wifey, she's not like them chicken heads round da way, she's a diamond in the rough"

b. a girl you care a lot about, she's more than just your girl.
"thats my wifey... so BACK UP"
(from Urbandictionary.com)

("Cuffing" is just the male equivalent)

Contrast this with the Dictionary.com definintion of the word:

wife  /waɪf/ –noun: a woman joined in marriage to a man; a woman considered in relation to her husband; spouse.

–verb (used without object), verb (used with object): Rare. wive.

—Idiom: take to wife, to marry (a particular woman): He took an heiress to wife.

Now, whether the Twitizens were talking about wife in the traditional sense of the word or in the "urban" sense of the word, this discussion pissed me off from both perspectives. First (for the traditional usage) who are all these never-been-married yahooligans to have an opinion on what makes good marriage material? Now I admit some of them were just being silly (like "#dontwifeher if she has a moustache") but other people acted like they were imparting some real knowledge and pearls of wisdom the people of the world. And to that I say GTFOHWTBS. If you have never been married--let alone had a serious relationship that has lasted more than a year-- to know what qualities make for a good relationship......STFU.

However, what really irks me and irriates me to no end is the use of the term "wife" or "wifey" to describe someone who is just a girlfriend. You can tell just by the definititions given on Urbandictionary.com how ignorant this concept is ("buying you stuff"?? Really???). I don't give a flying fig if she's your "number one" girlfriend, "only" girlfriend, "serious" girlfriend, or a girlfriend that you would consider "wife material"..... she's still JUST A GIRLFRIEND. I cannot stand how the terms are just thrown around loosely, which to me undermines and degrades the meaning of what a wife really is. "Wife" is a term that should be reserved for the person you are married to, not just the person you kick it with all the time and whom you've decided to ignore other women's text messages for (or don't cheat on "as much"). Your wife is the person to whom you have made the ultimate commitment to, not just in words but in actions before God and/or the law. Your wife is who you build a life with.... your friend, lover, companion, supporter, comforter, the one who you sacrafice for and who sacrafices for you. A wife is not someone who you just think about or talk about maybe loving, it is the woman you LOVE. When you have a wife, you are ALL IN.... you don't have one leg over the fence just in case you need to hop back over it real fast. I don't care how serious your relationship is... until you say those vows and exchange those rings, the term "wife" should not be used.

Yes, you could argue that it's just a word used in the popular vernacular to mean girlfriend and it's not that deep. And to that I shake my cane at you disagree..... I'm not buying the Humpty Dumpty argument this time around. Having been a wife, I am insulted by the use of the word outside of the marriage context, just like I am insulted when people use the suffix "Esq." behind their name and they are not attorneys, same way someone with an MD or PhD would be insulted if someone used the title "Dr." in front of his name. You do not earn the title and status of wife, or status of having a wife, without that work and commitment, and until you do you don't deserve the same level of reverence and respect.

*drops mic*

Meeting the Fam

Memorial Day weekend was a major milestone for me and my relationship with my beau..... yes, I met The Family. *bites nails* It was really an unplanned event, as we had planned on making the formal introductions on June 27th at his sister's graduation. However, some events transpired the prior week that necessitated that I get away (*deep woo sah breath*), and my home girl in Detroit text'd me and said "You need to get away.....C'mon up here to The D", so I threw some clothes in a bag and went. My beau was already in the D visiting his family for his mother's birthday.... he'd driven up the day before to surprise her, so I decided to drive up there and surprise him.

(And boy was he surprised.... I called him and asked him where he and his boys were hanging out that night and told him I'd meet him there. He didn't believe me. But I sure did meet him outside the club. He kept saying the entire weekend "I can't believe you are here in the D!" I like surprises... giving and receiving.)

Before making my 5 hour drive, however, I had to grasp the realization that (1) I would be meeting his family for the first time (except for some uncles I met a few months ago) and (2) I was not in the best emotional state and they would be meeting me for the first time not at my very best. I needed to get away and get around some people, so I said eff it, I'm going.

Now what had me extra nervous was the fact that my beau is VERY close with his mother and 4 siblings, as well as a set of Godparents, and I..... well...... my family is about as tight as.... uh.... something not very tight [insert your own analogy here, cuz mine was terribly inappropriate]. I don't know what happened somewhere over the years, or generations, but something is just missing. It makes me sometimes feel like I was raised by wolves and am not quite sure how a normal family operates ("normal" being relative.... I'm talking about a comfortable, open relationship with family members.... or at least seeing and talking to each other more than just on major holidays/births/deaths/marriages). I was also nervous because it had been 16 years since I had to meet anyone's mother, and THAT didn't turn out too well.

I ended up meeting EVERYBODY in two days. I met his mother, 2 younger brothers, 1 of his younger sisters (the other doesn't live in town), his niece and nephew, his Godparents, his best friend, his Sands, and a few people he grew up with, plus a myriad of other related folks who were apparently all very anxious to meet me. I'll just state it plain and simple: I love his family. For once I didn't feel like an oddball weirdo..... not saying that they are oddball weirdos, but rather just not the mainstream, cliche norm. We went to a bowling fundraiser for his nephew and (damn near) EVERYONE there had locs and natural hair. Both his mother and his godmother we ecstatic that I had locs. His mother even gave me a professional massage (with patchouli scented oil which is one of my FAVORITE scents) AND broke out my beau's life story in pictures..... he said she's never done that for anyone else he's brought to the house. His mother and I have a lot in common, which is a huge relief and bodes well for the future, in my opinion (considering past experience with a mother who was my polar opposite).

All in all I think it went well, even though I wasn't quite feeling up to par, but I think they understood because my beau had explained what had transpired that previous week. It was just nice to see the "behind the scenes" of what and who helped shape and form the man that I get to interact with every day, and it just made me appreciate him that much more. And I'm very much looking forward to going back.

Let's do business (or not)

Today I finally got my new business cards for my new job, so I am OFFICIAL. *Yay me!* There's no greater feeling (ok, so maybe I can think of a few) than being able to whip out your business card instead of trying to fumble for a piece of paper and pen, or doing the forehead to forehead thing trying to get your number into someone's phone. Business cards are a quick, simple, and efficient way to pass on your contact information.

However, on this new set of business cards I left off my cell number and my work direct dial (the firm is a-ok with that.... they don't believe clients should have unlimited access to you at all times). The reason for this is due to a lesson I learned at my last job by putting my cell number on my cards, and that is this: guys will shamelessly try and holla at you under the guise of wanting to do business.

Here's how it goes down: You're out somewhere at a quasi-business social event (which can be damn near anything) and a guy approaches you. Here's the typical dialogue:

Guy: So what do you do for a living?
Me: I'm an attorney.
Guy: Oh really? I could use a good attorney! (everyone can always use a good attorney, without fail) [Insert optional story about suspended license/baby momma drama/Cousin Pookie in jail]
Me: Ok, well I only do business and corporate law.
Guy: That's great, because I've got this business I'm trying to get off the ground/know someone who wants to invest in my existing business/have a contract I need reviewed.
Me: *trying not to look skeptical* Um, well ok I may be able to help you out with that.
Guy: Do you have a card?
Me: *hesitantly reaches into Bettie Page card case* Sure.
Guy: Thanks! I'll give you a call sometime next week to talk about it.

*3 days later*

Message on Voice Mail: Hey, this is ___________. Remember me from XYZ Spot last Friday? I was wondering if we could get together and I can take you out to dinner sometime and get to know you better......

And that, loved ones, is the Holla Under the Guise of Doing Business (since I like undecipherable acronyms, let's call it HUGDB). It's hard to screen out because you don't want to blow people off who legitimately want to do business with you and you don't want to make assumptions about what a person can and cannot afford, but 95% of the time it's crap. But it's that 5% that you don't want to piss off, because you can pick up clients ANYWHERE (I actually had a client whom I only see when I go out, and we've discussed business right there at the bar).

Guys may see this as a legitimate way to get "in" with a woman, but it irritates the fuck out of me. On some levels it's a slap in the face to my professionalism when guys treat my profession as merely a way to get my number, because they're basically bullshitting me. And I don't like being bullshitted. And I also take it as an insult to my intelligence, which I take kindly to even less.

(This also raises another issue that I won't fully delve into here because I will end up on a tirade, but this highlights the challenges faced by female professionals, especially attractive female professionals. There's a certain level of schmoozing that has to go on to facilitate business relationships, and unfortunately this manifests itself as flirting and coquettishness when it comes to women. Some level of it its necessary and acceptable, but too often it is abused and nothing (i.e. no money changing hands) comes of it. I'm all for taking one for the team, but it has its limits.)

So guys, as tempting and easy as the HUGDB may seem, please don't do it. If your intentions are to ask a woman out, just be up front about that. Don't assume that just because a woman gives you her card it means that she's single and interested... it may just mean that she's a professional who is legitimately trying to network. It will save both of you a lot of time and embarrassment when you call 3 days later and get the blow off because you bullshitted her and are playing with her money (which, as Big Worm said, is like playing with her emotions.... bad business). Also, don't take it a step further and play along like you really want to do business with her (for example, setting up a lunch "meeting") in hopes that she will be just that charmed by you that she will forget the fact that you are bullshitting her. That just makes it worse.

(ok, so I once fell for the "We should do lunch" line that ended in [CENSORED], but we'd already met and talked several times before, and had been feeling each other and had obvious chemistry prior to the HUGDB.... I knew it was BS up front but proceeded for other reasons. But I digress.....)

Just treat me like the professional that I am.... that's all I ask.

You Don't Want the Cool Chick, Part I: The FUBAR Theory

One of my biggest frustrations in my observations of (and experiences in) the dating and relationship world is this: people who like one thing, but end up with the opposite. Or, as I frequently summarize it in my rants to friends and any man who laments about how his girl is lame..... guys say they want the cool chick, but in reality they don't. They want that same whiny, naggy, high maintenance chick that they've been bitching and moaning about for all their dating lives. So my question is merely this..... why???

Let's be real here... as a self professed "cool chick" I know that I can be a bit hard to handle at times. The Ex used to say that the same qualities he loved about me were the same ones he hated about me. Being laid back and free spirited can come off as don'tgiveafuckedness, not tripping on your guy for wanting to hang out with his boys can be perceived as having ulterior (and nefarious) motives, and let's just face it..... some men are just downright insecure. And it's foreign, not what guys are used to, so even though they SAY they want a chick who can watch football, drink a beer, have mean oral advocacy skills and isn't a clingy hosebeast needy, at the end of the day we're the ones sitting having a beer with you listening to you complain about your sports hating, Fuji bottled water drinking, "you want me to put that WHERE??" chick.

Anywho, with that bit of background out the way, I've been threatening to saying I was going to write about this for awhile.... but I really don't have an answer. I'm really hoping my loved ones in the blogosphere can help me out with this one. But still, I have my theories, so this will be Part I in an indefinitely numbered series of "You Don't Want the Cool Chick", and my first theory is.........

The FUBAR Theory

So the other day a friend of mine hit me up on Facebook chat to say hi. He used to be madly obsessed with date one of my close friends, but he married someone else not too long after their split. I asked him how married life is treating him, and he responded with mixed reviews and said he missed doing fun things. To which I replied that he should be able to do those things with his wife, right? I guess not so much. From what it seems, he went and married the polar opposite of my friend.

Then there's my Ex.... he went and got himself a chick that couldn't be any more different from me if she tried. Appearance wise, personality wise, interest wise, sex appeal wise, age wise, everything. He got with her a few months before our divorce was finalized and fully moved in shortly thereafter. Keep in mind, loved ones.... I'm the one that wanted and filed for divorce. You would think I would be the one wookin' pa nub in all the wrong places.

I've seen these scenarios play out time and time again (because my friends tend to be a bit, um, "colorful").....boy meets cool chick, boy falls in love with cool chick, boy gets obsessively crazy about cool chick, boy loses his mind over cool chick, cool chick is like "WTF?", boy and cool chick break up, boy goes and gets the furthest thing from cool chick he can find and wifes her. The end. Or not really.... boy goes and cheats on furthest thing from cool chick because he misses all the things he used to do with cool chick (sexual and non-sexual). And that, loved ones, is what I call getting FUBAR'd.

I'll be nice and give you the definition:

FUBAR is an acronym that commonly means "Fucked Up Beyond All Repair" (used to describe the state of some equipment) or "Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition" (used to describe a situation or scenario), which now exists in many variations. Although it originated in the US Armed Forces, its usage has spread to civilian environments.

(thanks Wikipedia!)

In other words, folks get shell shocked. I think some guys are so traumatized by a failed relationship with a cool chick that they really, really like(d) that their response is to run as far away from it as possible..... the most extreme form of the rebound. Not only is that person trying to fill a void, but they are also trying to neutralize the effects their ex had on their heart and psyche. They had acid.... they go get a base. Sugar..... salt. Adventurous..... conservative. Free-spirit..... stick in the mud. I think people associate the qualities their ex had with the negative outcome of the relationship. And THAT, loved ones, is where folks go wrong.

The fact remains that you like what you like.... at the end of the day those qualities that made you fall insanely in love with your ex are still what you are attracted to. But when you've been FUBAR'd, you convince yourself otherwise.... that you hated all those qualities, you hate your ex, and you vow to "get it right" this time. And just to clarify here.... I'm not talking about bad qualities, like always falling for the girl who treats you like crap. I'm talking about things like if you liked pony play creative sex with your ex and your new chick will only do missionary..... that's a problem. If you liked to road trip and travel with your ex and your new girl has never left the state.... that's a problem. If you like to get out and socialize and your chick is an agoraphobic homebody..... that, loved ones, is a problem. Because no matter how horrible you think your ex is and everything associated with her, and no matter how much you think you can convince yourself that you can learn to live without certain qualities in a person, eventually the facade all falls down. And then we all know what happens.... I'll give you a hint, it starts with a C.

Let me just put the disclaimer in (for myself) that just because you go get the opposite of your ex does NOT mean you've been FUBAR'd. If you are the dumper, and not the dumpee, well it's obvious that you weren't happy with what you had and were looking for something different. That is a legitimate change up and all a part of finding your perfect match. However, even in those scenarios I think it is possible to get carried away and go to extremes when you are unable to separate the qualities that you did like about a person from those that you didn't.

And that, my damies, I think is the key. Take time to really take personal inventory and really think about what qualities you did like in your exes. Don't just stamp a big label of HATE across everything associated with the person. For example, my Ex is outgoing and talkative, and I like that in a guy.... but I also like guys who have ambition and can finish something, and who use lotion more than once a month care about their appearance. But it takes TIME to do this.... time to let the emotions die down so you can see things more clearly.

So... if you find yourself in the wake of a WTFJH* break-up, be really, really careful what you start wishing for, because you just might get it. Don't get FUBAR'd.

*What the fuck just happened???

Don't try and get it just cuz I got it

I have 3 words for you, loved ones: B!tches ain't sh*t. My apologies for my use of such a patently derogatory phrase.... but you all know that at least for some females in some situations, it's true. The situation that is my current frame of reference is one we have all observed and/or acted in accordance with, and that is the phenomenon of not wanting someone until someone else has them. I don't know why people-- both men and women-- are wired this way, but we just are. However, what I'm talking about are the actions that stem from these feelings, which we as human beings with free will and sense (in theory) have control over.

So this weekend was my beau's roommate's birthday celebration weekend. (*Note to Self: Self, do not try to keep pace drinking with people who are under 25, 26, or even 27. You are not 25 anymore. You will wind up hurting and cursing every single microorganism responsible for the alcohol fermentation process. Please and thank you, Self....) Friday night we went out to First Fridays (the first one I've been to since, oh, 2005) and I ended up meeting some females whom my beau said had expressed some interest in him in the past. They were all nice and friendly toward me, but I know there was some questions about who I was to him. Saturday the three of us ended up heading out separately.... Beau and Roomie left earlier to try and catch the fight, and I met up with one of my friends at another spot, but we later all met up at our usual Saturday spot. I got there late-- around 1:45-- so they had already been there for a minute. My beau said that those same "friendly" chicks were coming up to him and in his face all night, asking where his "girlfriend" (i.e. me) was and flirting extra hard. Now, I'm not saying that he wouldn't have had chicks trying to flirt (because he is a nice piece of African American man candy), but the intensity was definitely turned up a few notches, and I would bet my pinkie toe that it was because they'd seen me with him the night before and decided that they were going to rise to the challenge. (Sorry ladies, I still win.)

Another example of this phenomenon occurred about 2 weeks ago..... a chick invited Beau to her firm holiday party, which he turned down because 1) I have several friends at said firm and 2) he was correct to assume I'd be shitty if he went. Now, this chick is allegedly "just a friend" and I don't doubt my beau's interpretation of their interactions, but I know the nefarious intentions of women and I know that you just don't invite any old damn body to your company's formal holiday party (the big firms get swanky with theirs) and I know that "just friends" status can do a 180 after 3 hours with an open bar. I actually took a female friend to my firm's formal dinner when I was separated just to avoid all the assumptions and speculation. Anyway, it could've been chalked up to an honest mistake, except for the fact that he asked her AFTER knowing he was seeing someone and AFTER he'd told her that he was spending Thanksgiving with me (and you don't just spend Thanksgiving with any old damn body, either). My piggies are still a little achy from that bit of toe stepping.

So how do I respond to these toe stepping bitches situations? Answer: I don't feel the need to directly address them. Less mature women may respond with confrontation and stare downs and a lot of eye/neck rolling, but I don't see the need for all that. I'm not a person who is going to rush to his side anytime I see him talking to a female, or go online and make sure EVERYONE knows we're dating (I call this "pissing on his page".... i.e. marking my "territory") or send friend requests to every chick that seems to be showing a modicum of interest in order to keep tabs. I feel like all I need to do is 1) handle my bid'ness and 2) make my presence and existence known so that there is no confusion, and the rest doesn't matter. For example, Saturday night I made sure I got up from my late night power nap and got myself out to where my beau was hanging out.... but there was no need to rush and post up by his side and mean mug women, I just made sure my face was in the place. I actually take it as a compliment that other women are interested.... that means I've got a good thing, because only good things are in high demand. But then that raises the question...... aren't I being the same way, then?? The flip side of the same coin? Hmmm.... I literally JUST thought about that. Wow.... interesting perspective, Self (I have a serious problem with debating myself and never getting anywhere with it).

Anywho, I'm not one to trip on other women showing interest in the guy I'm dating. Try and talk to him, dance with him in the club, buy him a drink.... that's fine (so long as folks don't get blatantly disrespectful about it.... that I DON'T tolerate). I'm plenty confident enough in who I am and what I have to offer, so I know where he's going home to later.

Aligning the Stars

This past weekend I had a.... uh.... discussion regarding compatibility and the stars. No, not Hollywood stars......astrology stars. Now, I'm not a big huge believer in astrology (I don't ask people what their sign is when I meet them) but I do have to admit that some of the stuff is uncannily on point and I will let it nudge me in certain directions that I seem to be already headed. Case in point... my overview for yesterday:

Your emotional side is almost completely exposed right now and it's all too easy to get riled up over small frustrations. Try to let people know you're dealing with more stress than they can see.
(yes I am rather riled up right now, I do have a lot of latent stress.... my mom's in the hospital, Son is having issues with the Ex and the living arrangement, relationship issues, money issues, health issues, been sleeping too much....and on and on)

I actually prefer Chinese astrology because I feel it's more accurate (in my case anyway). I would have to say that I'm about 87% Cancer and 98.9% Horse.

Anyway, I've also been overdosing on dating and relationship related blogs, and one topic that comes up all the time concerns lists/standards/requirements/tests for finding a potential mate. So being the consummate smart ass that I am, I decided to figure out my exact perfect mate based on all the factors that I've been reading about lately. Here's what I've come up with:

I need a man who is age 38, 34, 26, or 22 (Tigers and Dogs.... tho I did read that I would have great sexual chemistry with a man who is age 44, 32 or 20.... Dragons) with a birthday that falls between February 19 and March 20 (Pisces) or October 23rd and November 21 (Scorpio). (Apparently I should have consulted the star charts before getting married, because Capricorns are on my least compatible list because they are "too simple and very unrefined"..... boy is THAT an understatement.) He can't be a Mixed Messenger, but can be any of the other 15 OkCupid Dating Persona Types (though Playboys are told to avoid me, so perhaps I should avoid them as well). If he's had, say, 20 sex partners, no more than 9 of those could have been jumpoffs (cuz otherwise he's a slore).

Some other requirements to throw into the mix:

• Must be a Harry Potter, Napoleon Dynamite, Juno, and Knocked Up fan (so he doesn't get frustrated at all random movie references I make..... "Tina! Come get some ham!")
• His top 5 favorite songs cannot include anything by Plies, Soulja Boy, or anyone who presently or formerly had the prefix "Lil" in front of his name (cuz we can't hang out and listen to real hip hop.... but of course, there are at least 17 exceptions to that, I'm sure)
• Splenda must be his favorite sweetener (no Equal or Sweet n Low), and turkey bacon is a must
• And..... and......

I'm really sick of all this.... all these dumb ass tests and rules and lists and their fifty-'leven exceptions. Example.... today's post on Very Smart Brothas is the "Wifey Test", one of which consists of "morning attractiveness"...... GTFOHWTBS!! Can't we just find someone we like and roll with it?? Guess not.

I don't have any answers..... I don't know what rules apply and what don't. I'm just kind of lost out here right now. Sorry, no pearls of wisdom today, loved ones.......

Don't Do It!!! (on being the "other woman")

So yesterday my friend calls me up (let's call her "M") wanting to talk and get some advice about a guy she's been seeing. Here's the background: She met this guy online (and I'm not even going to say this is a red flag.... maybe a yellow one, but you can meet some legit people online. But I digress....), she said they had a wonderful connection and chemistry and the conversation just flowed easily and effortlessly..... it was perfect. Or so it seemed. So he goes to visit M (I told her don't sleep with him, but nobody listens to me cuz of my namesake... the whole "unheeded prophetess of doom" thing) and they have a great weekend getting to know each other, and she's all geeked until 2 days after he gets home and she gets a call from his WIFE. *screeeeeeeech!* I told her back then to RUN.... lose his number, block her number, cut your losses and move on because it's JUST NOT WORTH IT (no matter how great all those "interconnections" are). Again, she doesn't listen, and instead listens to his insistences that even though they are still living in the same house, that he and Wifey are separated and going to get divorced. Uh huh.... I told M "That's the oldest line in the fugging book." At that point I threw up my hands, because unfortunately having experience in this area such that you can give solid advice also simultaneously give you no credibility, and it seemed like she really wasn't trying to hear me. Ah well.... eventually I did get the "You were right" call and I didn't respond with any "I told you so" and I thought that was the end of it..... disaster averted.

Not so much. Yesteday she calls me because dude is still calling her AND Wifey is still calling her. Turns out dude is pulling double duty by telling M that he thinks they could really have something, but then turning around telling Wifey they can work it out. My advice: Tell them both to kick rocks. AND don't answer any of their calls. The cold turkey method is the best way to go. You cannot "wean" yourself off a person.... every encounter and interaction just reinforces that connection and makes it harder to leave that person alone. I told her that if they are really meant to be together that they will be together, but she needs to insist on seeing some dry ink on a divorce decree before she tries to have anything with this man (because separated people DO get back together allll the time).

So here's my open letter advice to any woman (or man) who finds themselves in a similar situation with a person who is either married or in a committed relationship: DON'T DO IT!! And before you leap off your moral bandwagon and chase me down with sticks and torches, it's just one of those things that happens and you don't even realize how you got there until you're in the thick of it. I love Jill Scott because of her realness and honesty in her music and poetry, and that's one thing she talked about at her last concert when introducing her song "My Love".... you find yourself in situations that you said you'd NEVER find yourself in.

And here's how it happens: You're minding your own business in life, chillin', enjoying the sights, and a guy (or lady) steps to you. Let's even say you knew that this person, at some point, got married, but it's impossible to know what's going on with a person at any given time (I still have people who ask about "my husband"), and people do date while they are separated/divorcing because that ish takes a LONG time (trust me, I didn't just start dating in May). I think it's a somewhat reasonable (if not the wisest) assumption to make that if a person is actively pursuing you that their marriage is pretty much on the outs (but that's also because I feel that if there's constant cheating going on, the marriage is pretty much worthless and you just need to get the fugg out and quit wasting each other's time). So you engage with this person only to later find out that they AREN'T on the brink of divorce and their marriage ISN'T on the outs, but by then you've already gotten involved with this person. And, voila! You've got "My Love".

So getting back to M (and anyone else finding themselves in this situation)....... you deserve more than relegating yourself to the status of "other woman". The odds of that fantasy fairy tale idea that he's going to leave her for you is a bunch of malarkey. And even if that does happen in some bizarro alternate universe, like one of my other friends says..... the way you get a person is the same way you're going to lose them. That person has made their choice..... divorces/break-ups are hard, but they happen every day. If the desire to be with you is that strong, he'd make that leap. But otherwise, all you can do is respect his decision and move on. There's no sense in trying to compete, convince, or give ultimatums, because in the end you're the one left alone while he goes off and plays happy family with his #1. Don't be that "missing piece" to his relationship, because think about what you're actually doing..... you're making it easier for him to STAY in his relationship because now he's got everything he needs. And you DON'T. You. Deserve. More.

Life lived..... lessons learned, loved ones.

Playboys vs. Playstations

I've previously mentioned the Dating Persona Test at OKCupid.com (and that I think is one of the BEST personality tests out there on the web). There's a link on the right.... go take it if you haven't. I guarantee enlightenment.

As I explained before, my "dating persona" is The Playstation. In case you forgot (or didn't read.... shame on you) here's the description again:

The Playstation
Random Gentle Sex Master (RGSM)

Easy to turn on. Hard to beat. You are The Playstation.

You're a nice girl, and you have lots of sex. It's therefore highly likely that you're attractive, and you're certainly outgoing & friendly. Plus, this healthy physical attitude of yours indicates deeper emotional well-being and stability. Unheard of. When guys dare to dream, they dream of you.

You don't get attached too easily, and, to wit, you're not necessarily looking for something long-term right now. That's a bigger asset than you know. Though, physically speaking, you're open to anything, you're keeping your emotional side well-protected. This means there won't be a lot of wreckage to clean up whenever you decide to settle down.

In the meantime, the men you share yourself with actually respect you. Like them, you enjoy sex for its own sake and don't need any other validation for pleasure than pleasure itself. Hopefully, you have the good sense to blow off anyone who thinks less of you for that. Usually, this is the part of the description where we offer some life-correcting advice, but honestly, we can't think of anything about you we'd change. Keep on fucking, partner.

Always avoid: The Mixed Messenger (DBLD)
Consider: Anyone else

As you may not recall, there are 16 personality types, and each has a male/female counterpart (for a total of 32 types). The male counterpart to my dating persona (RGSM) is The Playboy:

The Playboy
Random Gentle Sex Master (RGSM)

Clean. Smooth. Successful. You're The Playboy.

You're spontaneous, and your energy is highly contagious. Guys therefore find you fun to be around, and girls find you compelling. You have lots of sex, and you manage it all without seeming cheap or being hurtful. Well done. You probably know karate, too.

It's obvious to us, and probably everyone else, that you're after physical rather than emotional relationships, but you're straight up with potential partners. And if a girl you want isn't into something casual, it's no big deal. You move on. BEFORE sleeping with her. Usually. At least you try to. Such control is rare.

If you're feeling unfulfilled, maybe you should raise your standards. New conquests will only be satisfying if there's a possibility of rejection.

Always avoid: The Playstation (RGSM)
Consider: The Dirty Little Secret (DGSM), The Nurse (RGSD)

Hmmm..... "Always avoid The Playstation". This is particularly troubling to me because the last 2 guys I've dated (or attempted to date? Were we dating?? That's the problem with Playboys/Playstations.... the whole label thing) have been Playboys. At first Playboys/Playstations seem like a pretty good match up.... we're both cool, laid back, casual, non-demanding. Seems like we could peacefully co-exist and just have fun. Right? Well, it's not that simple.

The problem with two cool ass people is that that's just too much cool assedness in one place. The pervading attitude is "whatever". We kind of just go with the flow.... which is fine and dandy, but in reality at some point some decisions must be made. Namely, "what the fugg is this???" Most of the time, Playboys and Playstations are content with just ignoring this question.... I've termed it as peacefully co-existing with the elephant in the room. *feeds elephant a peanut, climbs over it's trunk to get to the kitchen* Nobody gets up in arms over anything, nobody demands any sort of commitment, it's just...... whatever. Nonetheless, even in all of our ice coldness (Andre 3000 style), we're still humans with feelings. So even though we say "Sure, go ahead and do you.... I'm fine" deep down we still get kinda irked. But our steadfast Playstationness and Playboyality, we will never ever admit this.... not to the other person, and not to ourselves.

So what does the life cycle of a Playstation/Playboy relationship end up looking like?? Well, I'm really not sure. From what I've ascertained so far, it just keeps going on and on indefinitely, something a lot more than friends, but just shy of a real Relationship. We're gun shy.... nobody wants to call anyone to the mat on the issue of whether it is or is not a Relationship.... or whether anyone even WANTS a Relationship. Or even what a Relationship consists of. So eventually we hit an impasse. The elephant continues to be a squatter in our apartments. Eventually you just start avoiding going through the room altogether and find a different way to the kitchen.

The nice thing, though, is that even if it doesn't go any further and that option falls by the wayside, we still manage to remain cool with each other. No hard feelings..... well, not on the surface anyway. I'm working on trying to not be such a hardcore Playstation and get more in touch with my primitive girl side. But it's hard to let that guard down, especially when you're trying to deal with someone who's just as cool and laid back as you.

Brady Bunch Dating

Thursday morning on the Russ Parr Morning Show there was a discussion about women who refuse to date men with kids. These women stated that having kids would be a deal breaker and that they consciously kept these individuals out of their dating pool. Surprisingly, many of the callers who commented on the topic had children themselves. The reason I heard over and over was the women's desire to avoid "baby momma drama" and not have to deal with the mother of their man's children. But generally, it was just to avoid the extra issues that come along with having kids.

I personally think this is bollocks, first of all from a logical and fairness perspective (having kids and not wanting to date someone else with kids), but also because I don't believe in arbitrary checklists without looking at the underlying factors. As adults, we all have history, we all have baggage, we've all made mistakes, and we've all had changes in life circumstances. It's how we handle these things that should be looked at in order to determine whether or not someone is "datable". If a man has 7 kids by 5 different women at the age of 27, or is absent from his child(ren)'s life and/or avoids caring for his children financially, then that's something that may give you pause because it's indicative of what type of person he is and his level of responsibility and maturity. As far as "baby momma drama" is concerned..... well, I know there are psycho women out there, but I think you also have to look at WHY he has baby momma drama and what that "drama" actually is, and also how he handles it. If he's an uncooperative jerk toward her, then yes, she's going to be a tad cantankerous. She can only interfere in your life as much as he allows her to interfere, and also as much as you allow her antics to get to you. That's true for ANYONE in your life, not just individuals in these situations.

At this point, I think I would actually prefer a man who has a child/children. There's a certain commonality there that is not going to be present with someone who has never been a parent. Parenting changes who you are radically and permanently. As a mother, it's nice to have someone who understands what I go through as a single parent..... the demands on my time, my priorities, the things that I have to go through and the struggles I have dealing with two household parenting. I need someone around that understands that you will only get large chunks of my time every other weekend. Sometimes it's good to be able to trade baby daddy/momma drama stories, laugh and woo-sah it out together.

A man having a child also makes it more likely that he's going to be more understanding of a few of my kid-related quirks. I've been watching Nick and Disney for the past 14 years (and really never STOPPED watching from earlier in my life, if we want to keep it all the way real..... maybe a 5 year gap at most..... teenage parenthood, you know....) so yes, I will subconsciously stop on Hannah Montana and maybe even laugh. I went and saw Kung Fu Panda by myself (yes, sans children), I have an unhealthy obsession with Harry Potter (a "Potterphile") and I'm just an all around silly person. It's nice to have someone around who doesn't give you a blank www.WTF.com stare when you make references from children's entertainment or state that The Lion King is one of the greatest movies of all time.

Another plus to men with kids..... they are less likely to expect me to pop one out for them. I've had child-free men actually come out and ask me fairly early on "So are you willing to have more kids?" (which often evokes a fight or flight reaction in me). I haven't 100% decided whether I'm willing to have more kids..... I'm only 30, but on the flip side I have a high schooler and a damn-near middle schooler. I like sleep and not having to look at anyone else's poop. I know that blended families have their own set of problems and issues, but so do new babies. My relationship with The Ex was centered around parenting..... it would be nice for once to have a relationship centered around enjoyment of each other's company, even if that's just for a little while.

So to the women (or men) out there who refuse to date someone with kids..... you may just be missing out on someone great. I won't totally knock a person's individual choice on this matter because I know it's a challenge.... particularly for someone who does not have kids themselves (I have a friend with no kids struggling to play the "instant mom" role in a relationship with a widower, and I feel for her). But for me, I've decided that this isn't going to be a deal breaker.... if anything, I think it helps me connect with a person in an area that is a major part of my life and who I am.

You Snooze, You Lose (more advice from Aesop)

The Tortoise and the Hare

A Hare was one day making fun of a Tortoise for being so slow upon his feet. "Wait a bit," said the Tortoise; "I'll run a race with you, and I'll wager that I win."

"Oh, well," replied the Hare, who was much amused at the idea, "let's try and see"; and it was soon agreed that the fox should set a course for them, and be the judge. When the time came both started off together, but the Hare was soon so far ahead that he thought he might as well have a rest: so down he lay and fell fast asleep. Meanwhile the Tortoise kept plodding on, and in time reached the goal. At last the Hare woke up with a start, and dashed on at his fastest, but only to find that the Tortoise had already won the race.

Slow and steady wins.

*********

Scratch that......to me, the moral of this story is "don't sleep on your competitors." Funny how competition makes people step up, and often times only after it's too late.

So let me explain what hares and tortoises have to do with dating. I had been "talking" to a few guys over the past year or so, but nothing was ever coming of any of the situations, which is fine and good since I was just going with the flow of life and taking things as they came along.... no rush. But it seemed like it was all a matter of convenience as to whether they could get to me and I didn't feel like I was much of a priority.....at least, not as much of a priority status as I feel I need and deserve. Yes, I know, people have lives. I get that quite clearly. But people MAKE time for what's important......as a mother of 2 kids who went to law school and practiced law in a big firm, I know this is true and nobody can tell me otherwise. Anyway, I just got to the point where I started to analyze things and got tired of all the juggling and getting in where I fit in and feeling like I was just chillin' on guys' benches.

I've never been the type to pit people against each other and instigate competition..... that's just not my style because I know personally I probably would be like "Oh really? Good luck with that......I'm out. Peace." because I'm not into jumping through hoops and playing female vs. female games (I think some people are entertained by the battle, like watching dog fighting or something.... go stroke your ego somewhere and with someone else). However, once I started implying/indicating that there was 1 guy in particular that I was spending my time with (combined with the fact that I started going ghost with everyone else), there was a sudden flurry of activity and expressed sentiments that were previously unexpressed. One guy who I wouldn't ever hear from except for the occasional "Yo, whatssup" text (i.e. The Booty Call text) all the sudden started inviting me to lunch and talking like he was actually interested in me as a human being. Another guy who I'd known for awhile and had given my number to and told to call me (and only called once) all the sudden wanted to be disappointed when he heard that someone else was commanding my attention these days. It was just like the hare waking up and realizing that the tortoise got way ahead of him while he was napping. Too. Late.

So, for all the hares out there.....sorry fo ya. You snooze, you lose. If there's a woman you are interested in, don't sit back on your laurels and play stupid hard to get games or try and be ice cold like Andre 3000. And don't let your cockiness or self-perceived swag make you lazy.... you may THINK that she's waiting around for you to make a move, but others are making moves at the same time you're NOT. Chances are if you're interested, someone else is as well. I don't know what y'all are waiting on or holding out for, but don't be surprised when you look up and the race is about to be won.

Close Encounters

Yesterday afternoon was quite the milestone for me in my new single/divorcee life.... it was the day where old met new, where The Ex met the New Boo. *cue dramatical music* Now mind you, I've been in the presence of The Ex's new woman countless times, even had her daughter spend the night at my place with my daughter one weekend, but The Ex had made it clear that he wasn't prepared to meet anyone I was dating (despite the fact that he's moved in with another woman and has my children over there living in her home). And boy, he sure wasn't lying....

The Scene: Son's freshman football game. They were actually playing a team close to where I live, so I thought I would invite New Boo to come out to the game to see my baby do his thang on the football field (cuz I'm a proud mommy and want everyone to see):

(See? That's my baby running)

So I figured he could come by after work. I knew The Ex was going to be there, but what I didn't factor in was that, since it was so close to "home" a whole slew of other people were going to be there, including my mother, The Ex's mother, and our old neighbor who The Ex is BFFs with. I know that Meeting The Parents is usually a big huge deal, but nothing in my family is ever a big huge deal, so whatever. New Boo meets Mom, standard pleasantries and convo exchanged, all that good stuff. Then The Ex comes walking up the bleachers and stops to introduce himself to New Boo (who was looking *extra* clean in a chocolate brown suit straight from the J-O-B....mmmmm)......

Ex: Hi, I'm [The Ex].... nice to meet you.
(grips up New Boo entirely way too tight, as if trying to prove a point which was NOT taken.... he also uses his "man voice" which is not his normal tone, kind of like when my son talks to a girl on the phone)

New Boo: I'm ________________.

Ex: [repeats name incorrectly several times, stutters]

New Boo: [enunciates name correctly]

Ex: [spells out name] I want to make sure I got that right.

Me: *gives The Ex the www.WTF.com look*

Ex: I just like to know whose around my children.
(exits to top of bleachers)

The encounter was quite ridiculous and a whole lot of bitchassed extra..... with his wannabe "I got my eye on you" attitude, like he was going to do some extensive background search on him or have him tailed in an unmarked white utility van or something. He probably won't even remember his name after that bumbling exchange. I was PISSED, but I did a few "woo-sahs" and watched the rest of the game. The Ex was oddly quiet the entire game..... usually he's up there hollering like a fool at our Son (to the point where other parents look at him crazy and start mumbling to each other about feeling sorry for whoever's kid that is) and I didn't hear a peep. Sometime during the 4th quarter, The Ex gets up and leaves to the other side of the stadium, leaving his BFF AND his momma sitting in the stands alone. I had to stop him to give him Son's notebook that he'd left at my place and it took me a few tries to get him to understand what I was giving him and that he needed to give it to Son. The ninja was quite obviously shook.

On the way home I get an "I need to talk to you" phone call from The Ex:

Ex: Look, I need to talk to you about something serious. When I introduced the kids to the person I was dating I told you about it, and I wish you would give me the same courtesy.

Me: Um, I did.

Ex: No you didn't.

Me: Yes I did, a long time ago I told you the kids met __________.
(in fact, we'd had a convo several weeks earlier discussing trading weekends and whether to just change up the schedule and make a permanent change, at which time I mentioned that New Boo and I have our kids on alternating weekends and it would've been nice to be on the same schedule, but not a big deal..... the man obviously has such his own agenda going on in his head that he doesn't listen. I also think he's just fugged up from the divorce and his brain hasn't worked right since.)

Ex: He met [Son] and [Daughter]?

Me: Yes, briefly.
(we weren't really spending a whole lot of time around each other's kids because I like to keep my personal life and my "mommy" life separate, plus that's what the Children Cope with Divorce class recommended, which I paid attention to and The Ex obviously DIDN'T.)

Ex: What did [Son] say??

Me: He just mean mugged him like he mean mugs everyone.*
(*this is the only guy I've dated that my son has met, but he's met other friends of mine and always mean mugs anyone whom he suspects may have an interest in his mother... that's just the nature of a teenage son)

Ex: Well I knew you said you were seeing your neighbor, but you didn't tell me....

Me: *cuts Ex off* Look, you wouldn't even tell me where my kids were living when you had them living up in some other woman's house and you wouldn't tell me her full name, so you can shut up with all that. Also, wash [Son's] uniform.... he was filthy out there and looked terrible. *CLICK*

GTFOHWTBS!!! This man has obviously moved on, playing house with another woman, assuming the whole step-daddy role taking her daughter everywhere, telling me he's gonna get remarried in the next 6 months, so why all this extra when it comes to me taking things one step at a time?? The answer is obvious, but the stupidity and the bitchassedness never cease to amaze me. I'm anticipating the rest of the fall out from this, and I'm just WAITING to hit him with the below the belt blow when he says something crazy. *rubs hands like Mr. Burns*

(I just wonder how The Ex explained his jacked up mood when he got home..... wish I could've been a fly on the wall for that one. She's an idiot if she consoled him over that one and obviously will put up with anything just to have a man..... I'd be damned if my dude comes home fugged up in the head over some other chick and who she's seeing now.)

Ah well.... just another Adventure in Divorce I guess. At least it gave something for me and New Boo to laugh about.

3 Month Rule

This is a repost from my friend Teej (TJ Armour), a dear friend and fellow blogger. You can check him out very Friday at the InCHICity Lifestyle Blog (you can also find a link in my blogroll) and also on his Blogger blog: It's How I Feel... You Don't Have to Necessarily Like It. Anyway, I was really feeling this post and wanted to share it with you, loved ones:

*************

You know how in the movie 'Love Jones' when Nina and Darius hit it off, then Nina's ex-fianceé, Marvin tries to come back in the picture? Marvin invites Nina to NY to see if there is truly anything left, and b/c she wanted to inquire about some job possibilities out there she contemplates going. Nina is concerned how this will go over with Darius and Josie recommends that she tell Darius and if he acts the fool that means she "has" him and there is no need to go to NY. However if he tries to play it cool Nina should go and teach "his ass a lesson."

*PAUSE*

(Yo I hate LOVE GAMES! I think we're too grown for that. It was cool in high school but not so much now. People just need to be direct and up front about shit yo. You start playing the love games and shit gets tricky. Use your budnippers people. Nip that shit in the bud, say what you mean, be open and direct and you will be just fine like Mary J.)

Anyways….once Nina decides to follow Josie's advice shit goes haywire and it takes them a year to get it back together! But that's not the point of this blog. And yes I realize that if you aren't familiar with the movie, then all those names and whatnot may confuse you and surely ruin it if you haven't gotten around to seeing it, but you know what? I DON'T CARE! It's one of the best movies EVER and your monkey ass shoulda seen it by now!

Moving along…..

The whole point of this blog is about starting a new relationship. I think it's granted that in between relationships you have "situations" with people that you deal with and all, right? They aren't quite your girl, but yall hang enough for there to be some sort of understanding. Not necessarily on a physical tip, but again there is a understanding. Then you find someone who you start to kick it with and before you know it you are thinking of that person as a possible mate. But what about ol girl that you "see" sometimes? Then there's that "weird period" usually at about the 6 week mark or so when you start thinking "Man things is getting real with Tasha, but how am I gonna shake Lisa?" Anyone feeling me?

And so ladies and gentlemen that's why I'm proposing a 3 month rule!

See with the 3 month rule it is understood that with any new person you begin to see, you have exactly 3 months to completely rid yourself of any "situation" that needs to be disposed of. The start date of the 3 month rule is retroactive to the first time you realized that you and the newbie may have something here. And again that realization usually comes at about the 6 week mark of you two kicking it, so in essence that literally leaves you 1 1/2 months to rid yourself of said "situations", but you know….different strokes for different folks so we'll leave it at 3 months.

After that…..you are just bullshitting and I advise you to stop wasting grown folks' time.

*********

Now for my commentary.......

This post address what I call that "limbo phase"..... where you are basically a couple for all intents and purposes and do all those couple things, but don't call yourself a "couple". It's like when I moved out of my parents' house when I was 18 and got my own apartment in MY name, and The Ex lived there EXCEPT for when the bills came due.... then he "lived at his momma's house" (GTFOHWTBS! But I was 18 and dumb, so whatever....moving on). It's essentially a way of trying to have it all.... you get all the benefits of a relationship with none of the obligations (ex. time requirements, requirement to cut off everyone else, being worried about the person's feelings, etc.). People want to keep holding on to those just-in-case-it-doesn't-work-out "situations" or try and make sure they don't miss out on the Next Best Thing, but by doing this you are pretty much ensuring that it won't work out. Self-fulfilling prophecy, my damies...... you hold back time and commitment and obligation, which will eventually kill any budding relationship because MFs get tired of waiting and getting used for the goods (and I'm talking about men AND women here).

I like Teej's suggestion of a time limit, and though I'm really not a fan of arbitrary rules, I feel what he's saying about not dragging the shyt on forever and ever. But even more so, I agree with his statement about just being up front with people about what you want and expect (not saying that I always am.... I'm working on it). I myself learned my lesson about this not too long ago when I had a "why didn't this go anywhere" convo with a friend of mine...... basically it was because we both assumed that the other was just enjoying singledom and wasn't ready for a relationship, and we adjusted our behaviors to reflect those assumptions about the other person, which only served to reinforce them. Eventually that aspect kind of fizzled out was put on hold indefinitely and we became "just friends." Neither one of us had the cajones to say "I like you, let's see if this could work" and instead just tried to be cool with each other ("be cool, be cool, don't fall for it..... ice cold"). Ah well...... c'est la vie. But that's what happens when you drag things on and on and nobody wants to make any forward movements for fear of shyt not working out.

At some point you have to take that leap of faith knowing that there's a possibility that you will hit the ground. Hard. But it's better than pussyfooting around in the name of "protecting your feelings" and "not settling" or "not wanting to miss out" and all those other excuses we use to cover up for the fact that we just want to keep having our cake and eating it, too. Again, I'm not saying that I'm not guilty of this as well, and perhaps Teej and I are being a little idealistic, but I know my life would be a helluva lot simpler if everyone did play by these rules.