Ink Battles

So The Ex called me shortly before the holidays, frantic, asking if I had talked to my son lately. One part of me was expecting some catastrophic news that he'd lost his scholarship, or that he wasn't coming home for Christmas, or that It-That-Must-Not-Be-Named occurred with some girl, but the more rational part of me knew that it was going to be some irrelevant bullshit.  This man called urgently interrupting my work day to tell me......

My son is planning on getting a tattoo.

Now, this isn't new news to me, as my son has been begging me to get him a tattoo since he was 16.  He had also "threatened" to go off to Boston and get himself a potentially questionable tat if I didn't get one for him before he left for school.  However, The Ex called me as if I could somehow stop this from happening.... from 1,000 miles away.

The last thing I want to see is my son mar his lovely golden brown skin with some ugly ink.  As a mother and an ink lover, that would hurt my feelings.  Badly.  Do I want him to go to my tattoo artist where I know he will get some quality work?  Yes.  Do I want him to spend a minimum of $250 to get a decent piece of artwork?  Yes.  Have I told him all of these things?  Since he was old enough to notice my ink.  

However, the reality is that he is a newly minted adult, and as we have all experienced, sometimes new adults want to exercise their blossoming adulthood by doing questionable things that totally piss their parents off.  And part of the appeal of a tattoo is the rebellion aspect of it.  Normally, the tattoo itself is enough to shock the conscience of the average parent.  But considering I, as his mother, have about $1,800 worth of ink myself, the idea of a tattoo is incredibly blase to me.  So perhaps this is just something he wants to do on his own without our assistance or intervention, just because he can.  I can admit that there is something less than appealing about your mommy taking you to the tattoo parlor. Not very independent.  Or manly. Or whatever sense of whatever that young men seek.  

Am I worried that he will choose a hack artist who will have his lion design looking more like a monchichi?  Of course.  Too many of us have been there, and are still here living with regrettable tattoos, or tattoos that we had to spend 10 times as much to cover up.  It's just a part of life and the maturing process.  Ultimately, HE has to live with whatever ink decisions he makes.  And he's a smart boy who has grown up seeing great tattoos, so he has seen and knows what is involved in a good tattoo.  While he may not end up with the best design in the world, I'm certain it will be a far cry from the atrocities I see on Tattoo Nightmares.

I guess I ought not be surprised that The Ex wants to control this decision in my son's life, just as he tried to control his decision about where to go to college.  But like the college experience, The Ex has never had the tattoo experience, and thus comes from a position of very little credibility on this issue.  And like the college decision, I just have to accept that this decision impacts HIS life, not mine, and that ultimately I need to let it go. Who knows, he may make another good decision, find a great artist in Boston, find a thirsty rich girl to fund the endeavor, and come home at Christmas with a piece better than mine, in which case I've wasted my worry.  Or he could come home with some crap, get the "I told you so" side eye from me, and I've still wasted my worry because at that point there's nothing I can do.  

My response to all of this was just to send my son a text letting him know I'd prefer for him to go to a good artist and spend a decent amount of money on a tattoo, reiterated my offer to get him a tat with my artist as a Christmas gift, but ultimately I understand he's going to do what he wants to do.  

I must accept my revised job description as a mother.  My heavy lifting is over.  It's his life. I've got to let him live it.

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UPDATE

So, after calling Son on his bluff, he called back and agreed to my offer of giving him money for a tattoo in lieu of, or as, a Christmas gift.  I tried to schedule him an appointment with my tattoo artist, but he was all booked up and couldn't get him in before he goes back to school.  So Son did his own research found an artist, and this is the final result:

I'm actually glad it worked out the way it did.  He found his own artist and went to his appointment by himself and I only served in an advisory capacity when he had questions.  I'm glad he did it on his own an ended up with exactly what HE wanted.  He's happy, so I'm happy, and it all worked out the way it was supposed to.

The First of the Last

Today marked a historic day for me:  It was my Son's first day of his senior year of high school.  His last first day of school.  Just about every parent has pictures of their child on their 1st first day of school… the new outfit, crisp school supplies, the little backpack, and snaggletooth grin as your baby took his or her first steps towards being a big kid heading off to real school.  As you go through the years you find yourself saying "Ugh!  I can't wait until he graduates!"  That is, until it is actually staring you in the face.  As my son went through high school, I knew that I would have to face this day and I thought I had mentally prepared myself for it.  Well, I guess I didn't plan well enough.  As I left the house this morning, my beau asked if I was ok and I assured him that yes, I was fine.  I drove up to Son's high school to see the traditional TPing of the school by the seniors, which Son had participated in (wearing a full Tarzan costume) the night before.  Winding up the drive between trees covered in miles of toilet paper, I thought about the first day I dropped my son off at that high school, with the same trees covered in TP from that year's seniors.  I was still ok, but I knew that my calm façade was hiding the emotion beneath the surface, and it was just a matter of time before it sprang forth.  Unfortunately, it didn't wait until I got home and I have been one weepy employee all day.

I know that all parents get emotional at the thought of their child, especially their first child, reaching the official end of their childhood, getting ready to go off into the world as a (legal) adult, the "emptying of the nest" so to speak.  But for me, it goes much deeper.  When I was at my son's age, he was already a year and a half old. This day seemed light years and infinite impossibilities away. I myself still had to go to college, go to grad school, make life mistakes, grow and develop while simultaneously getting that baby boy to the point he is at now—an honor student and star football player at one of the best private high schools in the state.  I cannot even put the struggle into words, and indeed I don't.  Whenever someone asks me "How in the hell did you graduate from high school with honors, graduate from undergrad with honors, graduate from law school with honors, and become a lawyer, all while raising young children?" my answer is always "I don't know… I just did it."  My tears are not just tears of sadness; they are tears of relief, triumph, joy, exhaustion, and pride both in my son and in me—a full glass case of emotion.  Yes, all parents have their struggles, but you have to admit….. I pulled off an impossible—or at the least, highly statistically improbable—feat.  Most people have trouble with either being an honor student or raising an honor student exclusively.  I did BOTH. Simultaneously.  And for that, I think I deserve a few moments of emotion and reflection.

And celebration, dammit!  Yes, we still have the school year ahead and much work to do, getting him through all his honors classes, getting him into college (and a good financial aid package, because momma is still Sallie Mae's indentured servant herself), and hopefully through another championship football season.  But I think for right now, after work I am going to set the sadness aside and celebrate this small, yet monumental, milestone victory.  A Bazbeaux veggie pizza with extra goat cheese and a bottle of red wine to celebrate embarking on the final chapter of the first volume of my Son's life, and I shall toast to victories won and those yet to be accomplished.

MILF Status: Earned, not Given

I think everyone in the free world (and a few in the oppressed one) know what the term "MILF" is. Made popular by the classic comedy, American Pie, MILF stands for the less than elegant title of, "Mom I'd Like To F*ck." It is used to refer to a woman who, although she is a mother, is still very sexy.  I see the term thrown around a lot by mothers of all ages; however when it comes to the term MILF, I am a purist that sticks to the true original spirit of the term from the movie: teenage boys standing around lusting after Stiffler's Mom. However, I've been more than slightly annoyed by what I believe is misuse and abuse of the term by those who have not yet earned the right to be called a MILF.

Stiffler's Mom: The original MILF

This may piss some moms out there off, but if your oldest child is not at least a teenager, you cannot truly call yourself a MILF. If it is only grown ass men who are lusting after you and you happen to be a mother, you are not a MILF. A MILF in training, yes, but not a full fledged, fully vested MILF.  The status of MILF is one that is earned, not bestowed merely because you had a child. MILFs stand the test of time and say to the world "Yes, after 16 years of the stress, drama, drinking and work of raising this child, I still look fucking awesome." It makes me mad when I see some woman with a 2 year old calling herself a MILF. No. Stop. Of course it is easy to still look good two years after you had a kid. I looked fucking awesome at 18 and 22. And yes, grown men are still going to find you attractive and want to have sex with you regardless of how old your kids are (or aren't). That's pretty much a no brainer. The ruler measuring MILF status is not held by your peers, but by your kids' peers. Going by the original, American Pie standard of what is considered a MILF, it is a woman who is so beautiful and/or sexy that she arouses the desires of teenage boys, teenage boys who are around perfect specimens of young females every single day.
 

Let me stop and throw out some disclaimers here. You should not throw yourself at young UNDERAGE boys. Flirting with them, buying them things, purposefully being scantily clad around them is NOT cool. It makes you look like a thirsty old pedophile skeezer and can backfire terribly if you have misjudged your MILF status. Even if you are attractive, it is not a good look. In fact, you should never even have occasion to learn of your successful induction into the secret society of MILFs directly from the source, but rather by subtle hints picked up from your own teenager, such as him being overly critical of your attire when you're going to be around his friends, or telling you that he almost had to beat his teammate's ass for staring or commenting about your appearance. You should not seek to test your MILF status (or lack thereof) by preying on UNDERAGE boys. That's just nasty. MILF status should remain a theoretical concept, not an actual one. That being said, I think MILF status can extend generally to any woman who has teenage (and up) kids who does not look like she has teenage children, regardless of whether any teens have expressed actual desire or not. But the key here is still the fact that your appearance and sex appeal have lasted (or improved) throughout the years and you have not turned into someone resembling Bleeker's mom from Juno ("Bleeker's mom was possibly attractive once, but now she looks like a Hobbit. You know, the fat one, that was in the Goonies.").

NOT a MILF

I realize that I may have a slight advantage over most other mothers of 16 year olds, being that I am only 15.7 years older than my Son. And to that I say…. tough crap, sorry for ya, and I am quite sure if given the opportunity to switch places with me, you wouldn't. This is my consolation prize for giving up my youth, the fact that I will still look good when my son leaves for college while all my other friends will be mere hopeful MILFs-in-training that will be in their late 40s when they finally become eligible for MILF status, as opposed to me being in my early 30s at the start of my eligibility. C'est la vie.

However, there is one disadvantage to being a young MILF: while your teenager's friends may be eyeing you, your teenager may be eyeing your friends. I have friends who are only about 10 years older than my Son. To put this into perspective, a good friend of mine is about to marry a guy 9 years her junior. My Son has actually threatened me in a joking-but-not-so-joking manner that after he turns 18, if I make him mad he would "pursue" one my friends to get back at me. I would laugh this off but my Son is built like a grown ass man, and once he's legal, well, there's not much I can do about him and who he chooses to be involved with. Not that I think he would actually do it, nor do I think my friends would risk death by acquiescing. But the mere possibility is enough to make me squirm in my seat a bit.  However, no matter how old you are, there may always be another MILF out there serving your son and his friends nachos with her boobies hoisted up in her not-so-tightly tied silk robe..... watch out. 

So all you mothers of preschoolers out there..... have patience, your time is coming.  All that training will pay off one day, sooner than you think.

Boys to Men

Recently I had a conversation with one of my friends about a woman he was dating who is a single mother raising a young boy.  I thought I had written about my opinions about the ability for a single woman to successfully raise a son into a man, but I couldn't find it on my blogs anywhere.  However, I remembered that I actually did commit such opinion to writing (luckily, because I thought I was going crazy) in the form of an e-interview with another blogger.

I'm sure some of you may be a little irked by my opinions, some of you out there raising sons or someone who was raised by a single mother.  I just ask (like many of my other posts) that you suspend judgement for the few minutes it takes to read this and really think about what I am saying and save your feminist pitch forks for someone else.  After all, I am a single woman, I do have a teenage son who is closer to manhood than childhood, so this just isn't another out of touch opinion of someone who's never had to face this situation.  So..... *takes deep breath* here it goes:

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1. What are some of the trials you've been faced with in raising a boy to a man?

"Being a man" is one of those things that, as a woman, I know it when I see it, but I don't know how to teach it. I don't know exactly what I need to teach my son in order to teach him to "be a man." There's that balance between that natural desire to protect my son from all the "evils" of the world and makings sure he knows how to deal with them on his own. There are different societal expectations for men and women, and I'm just ill equipped to fully teach him how to meet those expectations.

There's also the challenge of openness of communication. No matter how "cool" mom is, there are just some topics that a boy feels more comfortable talking to another male about. I can generally lecture him about things like sex, but he's not going to come to me with the nitty gritty specific questions.

When I got divorced, I made the difficult decision of letting my son go live with his dad, while my daughter lives with me. He was just starting high school and I knew that these were the years where he would need his dad more than he needed me. Most of my "heavy lifting" as a mother was done when he was young, and now the most important thing he needs right now is strong male influence more than the nurturing of his mother.

2. Do you feel that women can successfully raise boys?

Completely by themselves, no. Young boys need some sort of consistent male role model in their lives, and if this doesn't come from their father then mothers should make sure that they have an uncle, grandfather, god father, church member, coach or some other older male that can help them with the challenges that are unique to males. There are just some aspects of "being a man" that can only be taught by men, and it is apparent when men don't grow up with this consistent positive male influence. I think single women should NOT rely on boyfriends to fulfill this role because there will always be some natural resistance to any man that is romatically involved with a boy's mother.

I see a definite difference between my ex husband and the man I am dating now in terms of the concept of "being a man". Both grew up during their adolescent and teen years without their dad; my ex's parents divorced and his dad disappeared and my boyfriend's dad died when he was 8. I don't think my ex-mother-in-law did a good job making sure he had some outside male influence, while my boyfriend had a godfather and several positive male mentors through various activities his mother had him involved in. My ex husband has done, and continues to do, many things most would consider out of line for how a man should handle a situation (or "bitchassed" for lack of a better term). People are floored when I explain some of the things I've dealt with from him. He always carried a sense of entitlement to what I had and I never got the feeling he felt the need to step up and truly be the head of our household. I see a night and day diffierence between him and my current beau. He is a lot more self sufficient and deals with his obligations as a man and a father much better.

Women cannot teach boys to be men any more than men can teach girls to be women, so it really bothers me when single mothers have the "I can do this all by myself" attitude. It's not a knock on the mother's parenting skills or love for her child. It's just reality. Single mothers have to have reinforcements, just as I'm sure it would be normal to expect a single father raising a daughter to find a female to help him out with his daughter.

3. What do you think are the primary differences when it comes to raising boys and girls?

I think the primary objective of raising a girl is to teach her how to protect herself, while the objective of raising a boy is to teach him how to protect himself AND others. Women are nurturers, men are protectors. I am constantly telling my son to look out for his little sister, as I think ALL boys are taught. I think one of the key negative traits that you see amongst men who don't grow up with strong male influences is selfishness and being self centered. Many of them are constantly looking for a woman to take care of them just like their mother did (as mothers have a natural tendency to do) and don't have that same sense of obligation to sacrafice themselves for the benefit of others. All they have seen is that "mom takes care of me" and they don't see the role that a male plays in a relationship and in society. I can provide a model for my daughter of how she should conduct herself; it's easy for her to mimic me. I do not, on the other hand, want my son to mimic me.

I think people make the mistake of believing in the notion of equality for men and women. In some respects (education, employment opportunities) there should be some equality, but people just need to accept that there are definite differences in men's and women's roles and expectations in society. Boys and girls need influence from both genders, but the primary way they learn to conduct themselves is by examples from people of their same gender.

You're staying with WHO??

As I've previously mentioned, I'm dating a man who has a child (I called it "Brady Bunch Dating").  Dating by itself is tricky, but dating when you have kids presents it's own set of unique issues.  We've been over the weekend coordination hurdle trying to get our visitation weekends on the same schedules so we didn't always have a kid (or 2) around every weekend.  We've done the group vacation thing involving last minute negotiations with a baby momma who threatened the week before the trip to punish his son for doing something relatively minor by not allowing him to go with us.  We've listened to each other's tales of woe and frustration dealing with our respective other parents.  Overall it works pretty well, but it has its challenges.

 

Recently I have been faced with a challenge that has tested my ability to focus on priorities over feelings.  Back in December my beau's son's mother had another baby (no not his, thank the Most High) so she was unable to make the 3 hour round trip to their meeting spot on his visitation weekends with a baby in the car.  Whereas many fathers would just say eff it and take the loss on the visitation time, he decided to be the bigger person and instead drive the entire three hour each way trip to where his son lives and just stay the weekend in that city.  Okay, yes I miss him while he's gone, but it's not as bad because I have my own kids on the same weekend (after a year long battle).  But the problem is his accommodations while he's there.  Hotels twice a month would be a ridiculous expense on top of what he was paying for gas.  Originally he was supposed to be staying with a cousin or a fraternity brother, but they all flaked out on him.  The only other person who offered to help was a friend..... a female friend. 

 

Now, from a logical, rational standpoint I said to myself that I was quite sure he was being truthful when he said that she really is, and always has been, just a friend. (No Biz Markey)  But you ladies (and I'm sure guys too) know that feeling.... that icky stomach feeling.... that uncomfortable I-just-don't-like-it feeling?  I think it's called..... um, let me see...... jealousy/insecurity/possessiveness/take-two-steps-back-away-from-my-toes-ness.  It's a natural emotional reaction.  However, where the road forks is when you decide what you are going to do in response to those feelings. 

 

My choice was to put on my big girl panties and not say a damn thing.

 

I know most women would be like "Aw. Hell. To the. Naw." The issue actually was brought up by his son's mother who didn't understand how I could possibly let it happen (to which he responded "And that's why you're not my girl.")  For most women, the thought of their man going every other weekend to stay at some chick's house with his son when you don't know her, never met her, don't know what her angle is or intentions are, is a little too much for most women to bear.  And I'm a woman too so I'm not above those feelings myself.  What I am above, however, is doing anything to interfere with or complicate his time with his child.  Fathers have enough stress to deal with trying to be the best parent they can be given the limited time they have with their kids.  I can't stand when girlfriends/new wives come in and make things even MORE complicated because of how a situation makes them feel.  Guess what, sweetheart?  It's not about you.  You, unfortunately, don't come first, and you never will.  

 

So though I really don't like it and wish it were different, I've shoved those feelings down into the sub-basement, kept my thoughts to myself, and stepped out on faith a little. I really admire and respect everything he puts up with and overcomes to be a good father, so who am I to make things even more difficult.  It did make me feel good the other day when he let me know he actually noticed and thanked me for it, and asked me how I felt about it.  Because even though there's nothing to be done about it, I appreciated being able to get my feelings out. 

 

I'm not saying you have to blindly go along with any story your man or woman throws at you using their child as an alibi, which isn't cool either (but happens).  Just don't over complicate an already tough and complicated situations by always demanding that your feelings come first.  You may win the battle in the short term, but in the end nothing good comes of pitting your man against his child.  Not his child's mother... his child, because that's who ultimately gets affected.

Tick......Tock........

When I was younger, I never really understood the big deal behind the biological clock.  Why were these late 20 and 30-something chicks all up in a tither about having kids?  I mean, it'll happen when it happens (as everything happens just as it should), right?  Modern medical technology makes age less of a concern, no?  And it always seems like folks are getting pregnant by accident all the damn time anyway, so just chill out.....

Then I turned 31.

At 30, I still wasn't too concerned about the issue.  Granted, my son will be in college in 2 years and my daughter will be in high school in 3, but thanks to this effed up road I've taken in my life those factors still didn't outweigh the fact that I am still a relatively young women, and the vast majority of women in my circle-- including both my sisters-- had kids in their 30's or have yet to even have children.  So realistically, I'm comfortably within the norm.

However, as I'm rounding the bend and heading toward my 32nd birthday this summer, I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried just a little bit.  Ok, maybe quite a bit.  I'm remembering how much trouble and discomfort I had with my daughter when I was only 21..... I developed high blood pressure, had constant excruciating headaches, and had to go for extra tests and screenings (including carrying around a jug I had to pee in for 24 hours... ugh) to make sure I didn't develop preeclampsia, a potentially life threatening condition.  Fast forward 10 years, when generally you start to notice that you don't have as much energy and "snap back" as you used to, combined with the fact that I still have blood pressure issues..... it has me hearing the tick, tock, tick of that bio clock myself.

Aside from the health issues, I also have a number of situational factors that cause me concern.  First, as mentioned, I have a SERIOUS age gap issue with my existing kids, though toting a diaper bag to my son's freshman orientation is not as serious of a concern, particularly considering how early I started.  The bigger concern, however, is relationship timing.  I at least am over the first hurdle..... I do have a beau, I love him dearly, and I could see us together for the long haul.  But I want to be married before I have anymore kids.... do it "right" at least one time out of three.  However, he plans on going to grad school soon.  So take my age this year (32) add on 3 years for a master's program, and that puts me at 35, the magic age when pregnancies officially become "high risk".  Yes, both of our mothers had kids past the age of 35 who are perfectly fine.  But I am not looking forward to the major bodily ass whooping that pregnancy is going to increasingly lay on me as the years go on. 

I don't want to put any pressure on him or give him any kind of "ultimatums" (which I hate), but facts are facts, worries are worries, concerns are concerns, reality is reality.  He tells me it'll happen when it's supposed to happen..... no, it'll happen when I decide it's gonna happen due to a little thing called an I.U.D. that has to be removed before any show can get on the road.  There's no "Oops!  I guess this was just supposed to happen now!" possibility going on here.  My womb is protected like Brinks. 

I told myself that 35 was my cut off, that after that I'd just have to be happy with my two wonderful children and that there'd be no more womb fresh babies for me.  I know this is something for which I have no choice but to wait and see what happens, and whatever happens I'll just have to accept it.  But, like many, many, many realizations in my life, now that I'm in the situation I see the dilemma and hear that clock.

Emotional Baggage Sundays (+1): Fighting the Urge to Fight

I have a confession to make..... as much as I subscribe to the school of thought that you just have to let stuff go, I still harbor a lot of anger, hostility and pissedoffedness toward The Ex. Like, I get really, REALLY angry to the point where I'd like to commit trespass to his chattels (something along the lines of this) or some other act resulting in grievous bodily harm (but only in my mind, loved ones..... only in my mind). I'm usually a pretty laid back person who doesn't get worked up over much, especially when there's nothing I can do about it. But dealing with The Ex frustrates me to NO END, and I'm just tired of it.

Take this weekend, for example. The arrangement is that whoever has the kids for the weekend picks up said child (as we already each have one of them) at 6pm on Friday and returns them at 6pm on Sunday. Pretty standard arrangement. In the spirit of cooperation, we've been somewhat flexible on this schedule so that nobody is up in arms if we can't get there til 7pm or want the kids to stay over a little later on Sunday for dinner. However, this also leaves great room for abuse. Daughter and I had graduation for our martial arts class on Saturday morning, which The Ex claimed he could not get Daughter to so she would have to stay with me Friday and he'd come get her afterward on Saturday. Wasn't really too happy about this, because in my opinion if it's his weekend, it's HIS responsibility to get her where she needs to go and figuring out the logistics is his problem, not mine. But as usual, I said okay because I had Daughter's interests at heart and knew this was important to her.*

(*Daughter fell off a scooter and broke her wrist a week ago, 3 days before she was supposed to test to become a green belt. The day after she had surgery to reset the bone and have a pin inserted, she went ahead and took, and passed, her green belt test WITH her cast and scratched up face and knuckles.... she was uber determined. So yea, to miss the graduation would have been no bueno.)

Then The Ex changes things on me AGAIN and insists that I bring her to him. Uh no, that's not the deal... it's pick ups, not drop offs. That doesn't matter to him though. So all Friday evening and Saturday morning through afternoon we are battling via text because basically he was refusing to honor the arrangement, AND the secondary arrangement that HE came up with, and come pick her up. It even devolved to the point of him calling me a "stupid hoe".... wholly unnecessary. So FINALLY he says he's on his way to come pick her up around 1pm. I shower, get dressed, and wait.... and wait.... and wait..... because I had to be at a bar association event that afternoon. About an hour and a half later I get a text saying "I'll be there in an hour." It took all I had not to scream obscenities about him in front of his child. Although my calm outer facade said "Fine, I'll just take her with me to my function" my insides were screaming with rage. It took Daughter calling him for him to finally agree to at least meet me en route to my function, to which I reluctantly agreed because the event, while not kid un-friendly, wasn't all that kid-friendly either. I show up to the designated spot.... my travel distance being much further than his.... and he isn't there. More waiting. More rage, which I'm trying desperately to conceal in front of Daughter, but knowing me I didn't do a very good job..... even when I'm quiet, I tend to seethe. He finally shows up and Daughter is on her merry way (to the most hoodtastic and craptastic park festival that The Ex was supposedly too busy "organizing" to come pick her up, but from the looks of it, it didn't look like much "organizing" happened to put that mess together).

I just get so angry at the complete and utter lack of consideration and his constant need to try and punk me..... just a bully mentality. Never mind the blatant disrespect and insults, which really piss me off too, but which unfortunately I am somewhat used to from our days of being in wedded bliss (if you can't detect the custard thick sarcasm there, please stop reading my blogs). I'm a pretty cooperative person, but the more he tries to push me and punk me, the less inclined I am to show kindness. It's kind of a Golden Rule thing, a lesson which was apparently wasted on him. Had he 1) explained why he needed my assistance and cooperation instead of just saying "I can't/won't do it" and 2) Stuck to his word after I agreed to help him out, it would have been an entirely different scenario. And I told him that..... you receive what you give out, and so I wasn't giving out much in the way of compassion and consideration.

This troubles me, however. I don't want to be a bitter, vengeful person. I don't go as far as to be the nightmare baby momma from hell and just do things to fuck with him for the sake of fucking with him, but I'm just not inclined to be very nice. And I'll admit..... my brand of mean is quite surgical and designed to jab right where it hurts. He boxes, I fence. Regardless, though, it wastes A LOT of emotional energy, and, like a real physical fight, even when you've "won" you still come out a little beat up and sore. I'm troubled because it seems like instead of relations between us improving over time, it seems to be getting worse and worse.

Right now I'm at the point where I'm no longer sure how to be the "better person" without being a doormat that gets shat upon constantly. When you are dealing with a person who has no sense of why it's important to honor his word and thinks of nobody but himself, yet insists on what a "good person" he is, it's very, VERY hard to be the bigger person and ignore his antics, insults, and lack of consideration. Does the Golden Rule mean that if someone gives you bad treatment that you are then justified in giving it back? Or is the Golden Rule an absolute mandate that must be followed no matter how you are treated? I know that constant tit for tat gets you nowhere, but there has to be some point at which you should be able to stand up and fight back.

All I know is that I'm tired of the anger, the insults, the conflict, the drama...... I just want to move on with my life peacefully. And not have the constant urge to fight.

Family Smoothies

This past weekend I took my first "blended family" vacation.... a weekend trip to Washington D.C. to visit one of my BFFs. Actually it was more than just blended families.... it was a veritable family smoothie. I think we had every family scenario represented on this trip. Here's the rundown:

1. The Divorcee (i.e. Me) - I took my two kids, Son who is (almost) 15 and Daughter who is 10. I was married to their dad for 8 years, now divorced for 1.

2. The Single Dad - My beau has a son who is (almost) 8 who lives about three hours away. He's never been married, and he and his son's mother haven't been together since his son was a baby. We scooped him up on our way out to DC (even though it wasn't his weekend.... after much finagling and last minute kimfoolery on the part of BabyMomma, we were able to take him).

3. The Widower - My BFF's "partner" (but yes, he is a man.... she just hates the term "boyfriend" so we are stuck with this ill fitting and misleading label.... but forget labels, that's her love) is a widower. His wife died about 2 years ago and he is raising his two boys, ages 7 and 9. His deceased wife also had an older daughter, but she left to go live with other family after her mother died.

4. The Childless Single - My BFF has never been married and doesn't have any children of her own (much kudos to her). However, she has fully integrated herself into the boys' lives. She isn't sure if she wants any of her own biological kids (tho I think she's lying), but plays the mommy role better than I do (despite her protests that she doesn't know what she's doing).

5. The Foster Dad - We were able to (very) briefly meet up with a mutual friend and law school classmate of mine and my BFF who is currently a foster parent. He's divorced and has no children of his own, but last year he took in two boys, age 16 and 17 (which I TRULY commend.... how many single men do you know would take in damn-near-grown boys out of the foster system??).

I think the weekend went really well, despite trying to cram way to much into way too little time and trying to herd around 5 kids all over DC. The Cherry Blossom Festival was going on so it was a little crazy, but we managed to make it to the Japanese Cherry Blossom Street Fesitval, the National Museum of Natural History, saw a few monuments and landmarks (White House, WWII memorial, Washington Monument, etc.) and went to the Zoo. And because my Son came along, the adults were able to get out for some grown up fun at Lotus Saturday night..... all he wanted was to have his Xbox hooked up to the internet and he was good. All the kids got along wonderfully, and even Son, who is MUCH older than the other kids, had a good attitude and had a good time (I think).

Families come in all forms, shapes, sizes and make ups. Of course, the "ideal" is to have two people get married, have kids, raise them together and stay married til death do us part, but it doesn't always work out that way. And despite what The Ex may say on the subject, I think it's possible to have a loving family unit after divorce, single parenthood, or widowhood. It may take a little more effort (but what relationship DOESN'T take effort?) and a little more patience, but it is definitely a legitimate form of family. Forget form over substance.... what's important is love and how YOU choose to define "family".































(For an excellent resource on blended families, check out Blended Family Soap Opera. They also have a recent post about blended family vacations, and sometimes they feature my musings on the subject of divorce and parenting. You should check it out.)

Please....be a little selfish

This morning I was listening to the Russ Parr Morning Show on my way to work, and the People Poll Question was about women who use their children to blackmail and manipulate men. Specifically, it was about a guy who had written in because after 3 years of being broken up, the mother of his daughter stopped letting him visit his child as soon as he started dating again, despite the fact that she'd had numerous boyfriends (whom she'd also brought around the child). This is a subject that incenses me to no end (or as Peter Griffin would say, it really grinds my gears).... women who use their children to manipulate men by means of denying visitation. I think it is the most asinine, childish, short-sighted and stupid thing a woman can do, and if I could smack every woman who's been guilty of this I would..... but then I'd die of arm exhaustion because it happens so often, unfortunately.

(The exception, of course, is if there are LEGITIMATE safety issues involved, and I'm not talking about "I don't know his friends/girlfriend"..... duh, you guys aren't together anymore, you don't share a life anymore, so of course he's going to have people in his life that you don't know, and vice versa. Save it.)

I'm not going to sit up here and say I don't understand the feelings associated with your ex moving on, and not liking the fact that another woman (or man.... baby daddies act up, too) is having a role in your child's life, whether that's because a maybe-not-so-secret desire to be with your ex or just the ego factor (that (s)he's gotten over you and moved on) or whatever irrational reason drives human emotion. I get that. But I draw the line at using your children to lash out at your ex by denying visitation and/or poisoning your child's mind with negativity about his or her other parent.

If you're going to be selfish and self centered, do it the way I do it..... I love my kids, but I love my "me time" as well. Ok, I'm being facetious and extreme here with the "selfish and self centered" characterization, but really..... I feel like it's a win-win when my kids are off spending time with their dad and with each other (remember, Daughter primarily lives with me and Son lives with him, so they're not together all the time anymore). They get to spend good, NECESSARY quality time with their father and each other, and I get a regularly scheduled (and sometimes bonus) break and I know that they are with someone who loves them and cares for them just as much as I do. I can do the things that I want and need to do for myself (I keep a standing nail appointment every other Saturday), I can travel, I don't have to worry about cooking square meals, I can sleep as long as I want, I don't have to chauffeur anyone around all day, and I don't have to entertain anyone or find someone else to entertain them.

Right now my kids are spending the first half of their spring break with their dad, and I thoroughly enjoyed only having to get myself ready this morning and I'm looking forward to a nap after work and not hearing anyone whine about eating veggie burgers (again!) and a cup of yogurt for dinner. This weekend I'm going to Washington DC with my kids, my beau, and we're picking up his son (who lives 3 hours away) on the way and he's going, too. I was a little worried (we both were, actually) that his mother wouldn't let him go because it's not his dad's weekend and because he would be going with me (she'd expressed some attitude about me before, but nothing major), but surprisingly she said yes. But please.... let someone offer me an extra free weekend of babysitting, I'd be all over it.

(I suspect the decision hinged on the fact that she's been busy finishing up her Master's program and needs him out of her hair anyway.... or maybe because now she's boo'd up too, which seems to have upped her cooperation level considerably.... but whatever, I'm looking forward to our Brady Bunch Dating trip.)

Sometimes I worry that I'm a little too un-mom-like for not taking pleasure in being such a martyr to my children by being at their beck and call 25/8, and actually enjoying some time to myself every once in awhile........or perhaps I'm just finding the positive aspect of an unavoidable situation (i.e. the kids can no longer be with both of us at the same time). I tell my Ex that he can take the kids whenever he'd like. I may miss them, but I know they'll be back and I know they're well taken care of. And I know how crucial it is for fathers to be involved in their children's lives. There are enough deadbeat and lackluster dads out there that we as women don't need to discourage the ones who are good, responsible and loving fathers.

So ladies, next time you have that itchy creepy jealousy feeling that makes you want to "show him a thing or two" and not let him see his child.... please, for your child's sake, be a little "selfish".

"Oh dear!"

One of my favorite newly coined sayings when I'm feeling upset/frustrated/bitchy is "I feel like punching a kitten in the face" (because think about how horrible that is to punch a small, innocent, bewildered kitten whose head is about half the size of your fist dead in its little flat face.... you'd have to be feeling REALLY cantakerous and evil to do something like that). So imagine my utter delight when CareerBuilder.com depicted a very similar embodiment of that feeling in their Super Bowl ad this year.

Anyway, around the 33-36 second mark is how I'm feeling right about now:



I think I need some help. Too much in life is starting to get to me. More about some of those things later (maybe).

My son doesn't have WHAT???

I am so livid right now.... I just talked to Son, and my mommy sense was telling me something was wrong. Turns out he has been sleeping on the FLOOR at The Ex's "girl"friend's house for the past several MONTHS!!! WTF??? This woman is 42 years old, supposedly a "pillar of the community" (let him tell it) who is oh so concerned about children (she's the director a community center for fuck sake!!) and she can't even make accommodations for my son to have a bed. I know that she's only been a mother for a few years now (since she adopted a half-grown child and doesn't have any biological kids of her own) but she should at least realize that a child has BASIC NEEDS, even if my dumb ass Ex doesn't realize it.

I called The Ex right away about it, and all I got was him telling me that son WANTED to sleep on the floor, a hang up, and then texts asking if I'm drunk. NO MUTHAFUCKER I'M A PISSED OFF MOTHER CONCERNED ABOUT HER FIRST BORN CHILD'S WELL BEING!!! This is absolutely disgusting and inexcusable. And the thing that makes me even angrier is that I KNOW he's going to go back and yell at my son for telling me. And folks wonder why I got divorced?? You see what kind of dumb ass I was married to???? And what's more fucked up is that I got berated mercilessly when I moved into my apartment and my son had to sleep on an air mattress for 2 months until I could afford to buy him a new bed because I LEFT my son's old bed supposedly so The Ex could have it for my kids to have something to sleep on!! But of course, he left it in the house, just like he left everything else in the house, because he was too lazy and bitchassed to go back in there and get the rest of the stuff that I left for HIM.

Oooooooooh I am so mad right now!! And it hurts because I feel like there's nothing I can do about it. I think I'm going to send Son home on Sunday with the air mattress that I still have around here. At least that's something until those bastards take their heads out each other's asses and get my son a bed.

I just wish I could bring my baby home......

Another lesson in jurisdiction - Parenting Edition

Previously I discussed the concept of jurisdiction as it relates to dating and relationships..... well, jurisdiction has surfaced once again, this time in the context of 2 household parenting.

Just in case you forgot (or didn't read... shame on you), here's the definition of jurisdiction:

ju·ris·dic·tion /ˌdʒʊərɪsˈdɪkʃən/ [joor-is-dik-shuhn] –noun

1. the right, power, or authority to administer justice by hearing and determining controversies.
2. power; authority; control: He has jurisdiction over all American soldiers in the area.
3. the extent or range of judicial, law enforcement, or other authority: This case comes under the jurisdiction of the local police.
4. the territory over which authority is exercised: All islands to the northwest are his jurisdiction.

The Background: Recently Son got into an altercation with The Ex's girlfriend's daughter (which I think she was/is being manipulative of both Son and The Ex, but that's not my business, except it pisses me off that The Ex always sides against my Son, as he's done his entire life), and as punishment The Ex took Son's cell phone away. I called The Ex and told him to please return Son's cell phone to him because 1) I don't like Son out without a phone, 2) I need to be able to get a hold of him whenever I want and need to, and 3) I'm 100% paying for the phone. However, I made it clear that I was NOT trying to undermine his punishment of Son, and that the only reason I wanted him to have the phone was so he could make necessary calls (i.e. to parents, not to friends) and not text.... I even offered to pull up use records so he could keep track. After some back and forth arguing, he agreed to give Son his phone back for that limited purpose (he never asked for the records.... that woulda been too much work on his part to try and keep track of).

So Sunday when The Ex came to pick up Son, he said something to me about Son staying the night at his friend's house the night before. I looked at him bewildered, not sure what the problem was. He said that Son still on punishment and he'd told him not to stay the night at anyone's house that weekend (i.e. MY weekend). I didn't realize he still had Son still on punishment for the incident the week before. The Ex got mad, saying he thought I wasn't going to undermine his punishment. However, I told him that really didn't matter to me, because Son was not on punishment for anything that went on in my household..... that his jurisdiction was separate from my jurisdiction.

Now, when you are married (or some other form of relationship when you are together) I am a firm believer that each parent should support the other parent's discipline decisions and not undermine the other's authority. When I was married, even if I didn't agree with a particular punishment, I would NOT express this in front of my kids or overturn it; instead I would talk to my husband in private about why I disagreed, but the kids would NEVER know that I disagreed. I liken this to federal jurisdiction...... everyone in the country is subject to federal jurisdiction, and no matter what the law is in each state, if you violate a federal law you're just HIT (ex. medical marijuana laws.... the sticky icky is still in violation of federal law).

But now that I'm a single parent, jurisdiction has changed. Now it's more like States' rights:


States' rights pl.n.

1. All rights not delegated to the federal government by the Constitution nor denied by it to the states.
2. The political position advocating strict interpretation of the Constitution with regard to the limitation of federal powers and the extension of the autonomy of the individual state to the greatest possible degree.

"[E]xtension of autonomy of the individual state to the greatest possible degree." I am now in individual state, and the only laws I'm concerned about are the laws in MY state. Sure, there will be laws that overlap.... let's say that The Ex had Son on punishment for bad grades (which is OBVIOUSLY not applicable). Bad grades would also warrant punishment in my household (i.e. would be a violation of my laws). But that overlap is not always going to be there. And when it's not, I'm not going to enforce the laws in The Ex's jurisdiction.

So going back to Son's punishment..... first off, I didn't know he was told not to spend the night at anyone's house. The Ex did not communicate this to me and instead left it to the discretion of a 14 year old to enforce his own punishment, which is stupid. Secondly, if Son violated The Ex's punishment, that's for The Ex to enforce, not me. If I had agreed that Son needed to be punished for what he did, then I would have instituted my own punishment..... that was not the case here.

(The Ex even threatened to make it so Son could not stay with me at all.... this is the kind of dumb ish he says. I made it quite clear that he is never, EVER to make such a threat to me ever again.... he must've got the point because he didn't respond. Don't fuck with momma bear....)

Perhaps I'm wrong here.... I don't know. I make this stuff up as I go along. But I just don't feel like The Ex deserves the same level of deference that he did when we were married. Our parenting styles have never been identical, but now I feel that now that I'm solo that I have the freedom to institute my parenting style as I see fit (within reason.... I know the importance of consistency of discipline, but I'm also free to disagree with his judgment now). He no longer has authority in my jurisdiction.... not in dating, and not in parenting, either.

I must be doing SOMETHING right....

My #1 consideration in deciding whether or not to go ahead and get divorced was not love, or finding happiness, or money, but rather how it would affect my kids. If it hadn't been for my concern about my children, I probably would have been out of that relationship a LONG time ago (if I were even in it at all.... but that's another philosophical debate for another day). My biggest fear was that I was going to mess my children up for LIFE..... all the positive progress I'd made with them shaping them into decent human beings would be out the window. I was scared they'd become academic probation, juvenile delinquent, need to go to Maury bad teen boot camp messes.

But alas, that seems not to be the case. *knocks on wood* After their first semester of the new school year--their first semester after the finalization of the divorce and the new living arrangements set in-- I've received some indication that they are adjusting fairly well to the changes in our lives. While it's not the end all be all, I think academic performance is a good litmus test of how kids are doing because when things are bad with kids, it's usually reflected in their grades. So here it goes:

Son (first semester of high school, and at a private high school at that):
World History (honors)............. A-
Spanish II.............................. B+
Theology................................ A-
Algebra I (honors).................... A+ (!!!)
Modern Technology.................. A
English 9 (honor)...................... B-

(For a 4.084 GPA (out of 4.0)!!!)

Daughter (4th grade, where things start becoming more challenging and expectations are ramped up):
Social Science.......................... A-
Reading................................... A
Spelling................................... A
Writing.................................... A
Math........................................ A
Spanish.................................... A

(keep in mind that Daughter lives with me *pats self on back*)

I am SO pleased and SO proud of my children. I really needed this validation and indication of their well-being right now, particularly considering the fact that the Ex constantly tries to paint me as a lackluster parent, which I know that I am NOT (hateration and sour grapes... that's all it is.... he has no other basis for the assertion, though it still bothers me for some reason.......perhaps because of my non-traditional nature).

But let me step back and put on my Bigger Person shoes..... I say I must be doing something right, but for all my complaints and disagreements, I have to backtrack and say WE must be doing something right. I will not be like the Ex and take sole credit for the positive parenting of our children, because they are influenced by the both of us.

(Although, I will take genetic credit for my kids smarticles, cuz it SHO didn't come from him......I can show you the academic transcripts to prove it)

"As the parties may agree....."

"...as the parties may agree." ~ Page 6, Line 4 of my divorce settlement agreement.

This one little phrase is both a blessing and a curse when it comes to divorce decrees, particularly as it relates to child custody and support arrangements. First, I must say that negotiating a divorce settlement agreement is one of the most stressful, frustrating, and emotionally draining endeavors in life. There's a lot of quibbling just for the sake of quibbling, a lot of leveraging, many threats (both real and totally bogus) and it just wears you out. Even if you feel like you are competent and intelligent, I highly recommend having someone else do the heavy lifting for you (I'm an attorney and it was even a bit much for me, more so from an emotional standpoint than an intellectual one.... it's like writing your own eulogy. Not fun).

There is much debate over whether the State Parenting Guidelines are fair and reasonable, and whether it would just be better to work it out between the two parents and forget all the court involvement. Yea, that SOUNDS like a good idea, until you try and put it into practice. The phrase "as the parties may agree" only works when that last little word actually occurs.... AGREE. I'm sorry to tell you, loved ones, there's not much of this going on when you are newly divorced. I'm not even talking about things that are or are not in the best interests of the child(ren)..... even assuming that both parents do what's best for their kids, there's a whole lot of other room to make things difficult on the parents.

Example: The State Parenting Guidelines state that whichever parent is receiving the child to begin their parenting time is responsible for pick up, and such pick up is to occur at 6:00pm. So that means when The Ex is to have my daughter for the weekend, he is supposed to pick her up at 6pm on Friday, and I pick her up from him at 6pm on Sunday. Now throw "as the parties may agree" into the mix. Now it becomes "Can you drop Daughter off to me at 7:36 pm over in the Target parking lot? I can't come pick her up" or "I'm not sure what time I'm going to be there, probably around 6:45" and he shows up at 7:45 because I told him I have to be somewhere at 7:00 and he assumes that it's for a date (when that wasn't even the case at all.... not that it should have even mattered). So then I'm less inclined to stick to the 6pm guideline and make him work around whatever I've got going on..... you see what a mess this becomes? And I go through this every single weekend on both Friday AND Sunday (because my son stays with him and my daughter stays with me, we each get both kids every other weekend). And I don't even want to THINK about how we are going to divvy up the holidays, though I need to start having that convo with The Ex ASAP.......

Contrast this with my friend who gets his son every other weekend. He and his son's mother meet at the same place at the same time every other Friday and Sunday. He knows which holidays are his and which holidays are hers. I'm quite sure it has it's drawbacks, but the key appealing factor from my perspective is PREDICTABILITY. When you know what is to occur when, you can plan around it.... you're not constantly trying to hit a moving target suspended from the emotional whims of the other person. If he or she gets mad at you, the rules and guidelines don't change. They're all there in black and white, no debate over interpretation, follow the court order and go on with life.

In hindsight, I wish I would have been more specific in my divorce settlement agreement and left that troublesome little phrase out. I think I took off my contract attorney hat and pushed it a little too far away (plus I was just trying to get things over with). Contracts aren't for when things are going well, they are for when things go WRONG, and there is SO much that can go wrong when dealing with co-parenting arrangements and divorce. The less gray area you leave, the better. Even if you don't like the State Parenting Guidelines, it's best to go ahead and spell out your own just as specifically and detailed as the State Guidelines are..... pick up and drop off dates, holiday schedules, school break schedules, etc. Because just leaving it to "as the parties may agree" leaves you stuck with no recourse when you aren't able to agree.

Do it by the book, loved ones...... do it by the book.



**NOTE** After I wrote this, I went to go pick up Son from The Ex, 2 days early because he's on fall break (which he didn't tell me about until, um, yesterday afternoon.... luckily I hadn't taken an assignment that would have had me working through the weekend). The Ex told me he'd be ready at 9:00pm. Ex calls around 8 and asks me if I've made dinner because he hasn't fed Son yet (????) and was debating on whether to start dinner.... I tell him I already have dinner ready and waiting. I get out to The Ex's girlfriend's house (again, where he lives) at the appointed time (9pm) and send my daughter up to the door.... she comes back and says "[Son] is eating." DAMMIT IF YOU SAY YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE HIM READY AT 9, HAVE HIM READY AT 9!!! Needless to say, I was a little PO'd for having to sit out in front of this woman's house waiting for this child to finish dinner when I'd already discussed the issue an hour before. And I was hungry, which makes me cranky. But this is EXACTLY the mess I'm talking about......

Brady Bunch Dating

Thursday morning on the Russ Parr Morning Show there was a discussion about women who refuse to date men with kids. These women stated that having kids would be a deal breaker and that they consciously kept these individuals out of their dating pool. Surprisingly, many of the callers who commented on the topic had children themselves. The reason I heard over and over was the women's desire to avoid "baby momma drama" and not have to deal with the mother of their man's children. But generally, it was just to avoid the extra issues that come along with having kids.

I personally think this is bollocks, first of all from a logical and fairness perspective (having kids and not wanting to date someone else with kids), but also because I don't believe in arbitrary checklists without looking at the underlying factors. As adults, we all have history, we all have baggage, we've all made mistakes, and we've all had changes in life circumstances. It's how we handle these things that should be looked at in order to determine whether or not someone is "datable". If a man has 7 kids by 5 different women at the age of 27, or is absent from his child(ren)'s life and/or avoids caring for his children financially, then that's something that may give you pause because it's indicative of what type of person he is and his level of responsibility and maturity. As far as "baby momma drama" is concerned..... well, I know there are psycho women out there, but I think you also have to look at WHY he has baby momma drama and what that "drama" actually is, and also how he handles it. If he's an uncooperative jerk toward her, then yes, she's going to be a tad cantankerous. She can only interfere in your life as much as he allows her to interfere, and also as much as you allow her antics to get to you. That's true for ANYONE in your life, not just individuals in these situations.

At this point, I think I would actually prefer a man who has a child/children. There's a certain commonality there that is not going to be present with someone who has never been a parent. Parenting changes who you are radically and permanently. As a mother, it's nice to have someone who understands what I go through as a single parent..... the demands on my time, my priorities, the things that I have to go through and the struggles I have dealing with two household parenting. I need someone around that understands that you will only get large chunks of my time every other weekend. Sometimes it's good to be able to trade baby daddy/momma drama stories, laugh and woo-sah it out together.

A man having a child also makes it more likely that he's going to be more understanding of a few of my kid-related quirks. I've been watching Nick and Disney for the past 14 years (and really never STOPPED watching from earlier in my life, if we want to keep it all the way real..... maybe a 5 year gap at most..... teenage parenthood, you know....) so yes, I will subconsciously stop on Hannah Montana and maybe even laugh. I went and saw Kung Fu Panda by myself (yes, sans children), I have an unhealthy obsession with Harry Potter (a "Potterphile") and I'm just an all around silly person. It's nice to have someone around who doesn't give you a blank www.WTF.com stare when you make references from children's entertainment or state that The Lion King is one of the greatest movies of all time.

Another plus to men with kids..... they are less likely to expect me to pop one out for them. I've had child-free men actually come out and ask me fairly early on "So are you willing to have more kids?" (which often evokes a fight or flight reaction in me). I haven't 100% decided whether I'm willing to have more kids..... I'm only 30, but on the flip side I have a high schooler and a damn-near middle schooler. I like sleep and not having to look at anyone else's poop. I know that blended families have their own set of problems and issues, but so do new babies. My relationship with The Ex was centered around parenting..... it would be nice for once to have a relationship centered around enjoyment of each other's company, even if that's just for a little while.

So to the women (or men) out there who refuse to date someone with kids..... you may just be missing out on someone great. I won't totally knock a person's individual choice on this matter because I know it's a challenge.... particularly for someone who does not have kids themselves (I have a friend with no kids struggling to play the "instant mom" role in a relationship with a widower, and I feel for her). But for me, I've decided that this isn't going to be a deal breaker.... if anything, I think it helps me connect with a person in an area that is a major part of my life and who I am.

Unconventional bonding (ANTM style)

One of my (many) struggles as a divorced parent is finding ways to maintain a good relationship with my 14 year old son. As part of our custody "arrangement" (I can't even call it an agreement, because that would imply that The Ex and I are able to "agree", as in come to a consensus on the same point, which is next to impossible) my son stays with his dad because he his girlfriend lives closer to Son's high school and can get him back and forth to school easier (private school = no bus). Added to this is the fact that my son is at an age where it's hard for parents to connect with their kids anyway. Added further to this is the fact that I am only 15.7 years older than my son so I'm not as life battle tested as most parents with kids my age (and I'm admittedly a little weird). Thus, I have to make a constant conscious effort to try and maintain a connection with my son through these critical years.

So last night, how did I go about bonding with my son?? America's Next Top Model.

Yes, seems like an odd thing to bond with a high school freshman boy over, but just to clarify, I'm not putting Son on blast here..... we used to watch the show together and he would talk about it with the girls at school because he is so inherently pimptastic that he realized YOUNG that this was a way to command the girls' attention by being able to connect with them on their level and it showed that he was so uber confident with his masculinity that he could discuss such things and not think anything of it. My son's game is tighter than most grown men I come across..... it's scary.

Anyway, I called him at the end of the show and made him guess which contestant was really a man. Yes, Cycle 11 features a transgendered contestant.

(Who's the man??)

So we sat on the phone for about 15 minutes watching the elimination, laughing and joking as he squealed at me "Thanks mom for making me feel gay!" when he was finally able to figure out which one it was (he also said that now he had something to talk about at school in the morning). It wasn't a long, deep conversation where I stressed to him how much I love him and will always love him and I miss him and all that stuff. It was just something lighthearted that we once had in common that I seized upon to use to keep a foothold in his life and not just be an every-other-weekend mom. And I may not be the most conventional mother in the world, but I work with what I've got and I think my kids love and appreciate me anyway.

Oh, and in case you're not an ANTM fan (which I myself have kind of fallen off the past few cycles), here's the transgendered chick:

Coulda fooled me forever and ever with this one.....

Supportive parenting (a RANT)

(WARNING: This is a pure, unadulterated rant. I'm not responsible for my language.....)

This evening is the Cathedral vs. Bishop Chatard varsity football game. Although it's not as sensational as the Cathedral vs. Carmel game that was aired on ESPN a few weeks ago, Chatard is still their arch rival so this is a big game for us. And although my Son is a freshman and is not on the varsity team (yet), I still am proud that he's a Fighting Irish, and whenever I'm proud of something or someone I tend to go all out. I love watching football when I have a personal interest in the players, whether directly or indirectly. I pull out the spirit wear, stand up and cheer, yell at the refs for bad calls, the whole 9. No passive spectating here.

So yesterday I called The Ex to let him know that I'd be at the game and that I could just bring Daughter to him there. He tells me oh that's great, but he wishes I would have told him earlier (mind you, I'm calling him the day before, not 2 hours before) because he assumed that I wasn't going to the game because he didn't think that was "my thing". I reminded him that this IS my first born child's high school, not to mention that my son is one of the captains of the freshman football team, and as such I need to show my support. Then I slightly clicked on him and told him that I'm not this unsupportive, slacker parent that he's made me out to be in his mind and to anyone else who will listen (again going back to hateration, to justify why he's "better off"). No, no no, he says, he wasn't trying to say all that (GTFOHWTBS!). Then he tells me that his new momma girlfriend and her daughter already had tickets but had given his away (I guess HE was going to something else), but he'd get another.

(ok, here it comes..... )

Why in the FUCK would you assume that I would not want to go to my OWN son's high school's football game, the son that I birthed at 15 and struggled to mold into a decent human being while I was still trying to figure out how to become one myself, when this woman who has know my child for all of 6 months is going??? And then why question me about not going, when you YOURSELF hadn't planned on going??? What kind of stupid fucked up logic is that?? I'll tell you what kind..... it's the sour grapes kind that has been so deeply ingrained in his mind that he believes his own bullshit down to the core to say dumb shit off the cuff like that without even thinking about it for 0.2 seconds.

One of his "complaints" about me when we were trying to sort through our issues during the separation was that he said I wasn't "family oriented" enough because I complained about going to all the sports events that my son was involved in (mostly AAU basketball), and he tells me that he found someone better who is more into that sort of thing. NO, this is what I complained about..... I complained about going to game after game after game multiple times a week and sitting there BY MY DAMN SELF while this ass clown spent the entire time talking to his friends, even to the point where I would be sitting in the bleachers and he would be up on the balcony that overlooks the basketball courts (for anyone familiar with the setup of ISSA). I got tired of being there trying to spend "family time" together and trying to talk to him about my day and he'd cut me off mid sentence or completely ignore me to talk to his buddies sitting there. I got tired of getting blown off whenever I would try and tell him that this bothered me. THAT is what my issue was, so yea, it got to the point where I got sick of going to the games to watch my son ride the bench (basketball was really never his thing, as hard as he tried) and then get completely ignored by my husband.

This is something that burns me up to no end (obviously), his painting the "bad parent" image of me. I was working a job at a fucking LAW FIRM, so no, I couldn't be around as much as he was with his 9 to 5 social work job. But all the sudden that shyt gets flipped on me and I'm the neglectful parent, even going so far as to tell me (and others) that he essentially raised those kids on his own. He wasn't saying that shit when this "neglectful parent's" income was paying for hundreds upon thousands of dollars in basketball clinics, admission fees, team fees, shoes, trips out of state, gymnastics classes, cheerleading fees, uniform costs, and everything else that was necessary to our kids' extracurricular activities. And when I complained about just wanting some time with him at those events, all the sudden it was "You don't want to be there." And yea, I'm not the stereotypical, yay rah suburban mom..... I'm fucking 30 years old with a 14 year old for fuck sake. Most women my age with kids still have them riding on thier hip. But I think I've done a pretty damn good job working with what I've got, and I for DAMN sure could be doing a helluva lot worse.

I really wanted to go completely ballistic on him for his comments yesterday, but I just let it go.... it would have been an exercise in futility, and I just wanted to stick to my policy of keeping our convos short, simple and civil. I know he says and does these things to justify his own situation that he's found himself in, but it still pisses me the fuck off. So yes, even though it is raining, and my child is not playing, and gas is $3.85, and I've just spent the past 14 hours with my locs in rollers which will instantly melt in the rain and humidity..... I'm going, dammit. Let's see if his old permed out woman will be out there doing the same.

Fin. Rant over.

The Slumber Party

This past weekend I had my first real "blended family" experience. Friday evening was Son's first high school football game.... Cathedral freshman vs. Carmel's (we got mollywhopped, 41-14). I went to the game with Daughter, and The Ex showed up with his new woman (she's 42.... I can't even call her his "girl" or "girlfriend"..... just doesn't sound right) and her daughter..... the nice happy new family unit. Whatever. So my Daughter and her daughter have become really close friends, since she is 10 and mine is 9. Admittedly, if I'm going to be all the way honest, I felt a bit threatened by this fact because I was worried that my Daughter wouldn't want to come back to me at the end of the summer because she had a new "sister" and other little girls to be around over with the Ex and his new rebound family..... here it's just me and the Menagerie.* But I got over it, and now she and the other little girls all run up and say hi and give me hugs whenever I come around to pick up Daughter or whatnot.

So during the game, Daughter and Sister-Friend (which is how I shall refer to the little girl) are running back and forth between where I am sitting and where The Ex is sitting, and of course the question arises that ALWAYS arises from 2 or more little girls on a Friday or Saturday...... please mommy can Sister-Friend come spend the night?? *pause* Let me explain that the way I think about life is exactly the same way I think about chess...... always thinking not only of my next move, but others' response to my next move and how I will then respond to their move. I had no problem with Sister-Friend coming over to spend the night...... she's a little girl, totally non-culpable in all this fuckery going on between me and The Ex and, necessarily, his new woman. But then I started thinking about how her mother and The Ex would respond to this inquiry based on the distorted images of me that I'm sure The Ex has painted for her (based on the wild stuff he says to me about me, I can only imagine) that I'm sure included the baseless idea that I am a neglectful mother who's just trying to get to the next party (that's the picture he paints for everyone, including himself). At first I just wanted to avoid that whole situation, but then I decided to seize this opportunity to be the bigger person and try to show that no, I am not all these negative things that he says I am (presumably). All these thoughts occurred in a span of about 3.7 seconds, but I ended up saying yes, that's fine, go ask your mom.

*sigh* And here's where the difficulty that arises WITHOUT FAIL begins. First the girls came back and Sister-Friend says "Mom says she has to ask Mr. [Ex]." Huh?? Who does this child belong to?? How much older is this woman than The Ex?? (answer: 12 years) And how long have they been together??? (answer: just a few months) That right there pissed me off, because I just knew she was going to ask him if it was "safe" to send her child with me. Getthefuckouttaherewiththatbullshit. I have been a mother for over 15 years; this woman just started 2 years ago (she adopted the girl)...... my kids are some of the most responsible, well behaved, mature, easy-going, intelligent children that I know, and the fact that anyone would question whether I had a major influence in that or not is insulting. I wanted to march over there to where they were sitting and say "Look.... I'm not going to do anything crazy to your child; I'm not going to talk shit about you two in front of her like I know the Ex does about me. I keep children out of grown folks business, unlike SOME people who want to tell them all the sordid details of our divorce and throw and break shit in front of them, and speak about their mother with hatefulness and spite. I am the bigger person here, not this bullshit artist who you've let into your life." But I didn't. I said ok and sent the girls back over there and told them to let them know that it wasn't a problem, The Ex could pick up Sister-Friend at the varsity game the next day that we were all going to, that Sister-Friend could just wear some of Daughter's clothes, etc. Here come little girls running back, and Sister-Friend says "I don't know what he's talking about.... he's not making any sense" after I'd JUST finished commenting to my mother how The Ex was going to make this a whole giant production and make it a helluva lot more complicated than it needed to be. Even a 10 year old could see it. And yes, he was trying to make it uber complicated, talking about he didn't know and how would she get home because his car was down and what would she wear...... all things I'd already addressed and provided solutions to. I still didn't understand why I was (1) negotiating and (2) with HIM and not the child's mother. I know if someone offered me a free night away from the kids, no strings attached, I'd be all over it. Eventually, after about 15 minutes of back and forth, we got it worked out and the girls came home with me for the night and would be delivered back to them at the game at noon the next day, they were pleased as punch, and I went home and crashed after getting them all fed and situated because I was WORN THE FUCK OUT from all the mind fuckery that it took to get them there in the first place.

I just didn't like the whole implications involved as to why it had to be so difficult just to have a little girl come and spend less than 18 hours with me. I don't know why it bothers me so, but I don't like people to have false ideas and images about me, ESPECIALLY when it comes to children. Sure I may have my ways that everyone may not agree with, but when it comes to my kids, or anyone else's kids for that matter, I am first and foremost a PARENT who is going to do right by them. I think about it in terms of hats, and I don't wear two hats simultaneously at any given time. I don't believe in the whole "being your child's friend" thing (I am MOM, and whatever affinity arises from that relationship is the only form of friendship you get from me, kiddo). I know that I am a good person, and I know that I am a good mother, and I make mistakes just like everyone else, but I could be doing a HELLUVA lot worse.

So anyway, that experience was a huge milestone for me. Part of accepting change and moving on and trying to make myself ok with everything. Because yes, I don't care who left who, it's still hard to see you ex move on and "replace" you, especially when from an outward perspective the situation looks better than yours. But I of all people know that outward appearances can be deceiving and you never know what goes on behind closed doors away from public eyes. I know I will never be "friends" with this new woman, but I at least want her to realize that I'm not all those negative things he says I am and that she doesn't need to step up and pick up my slack, because there is none.


*The Menagerie = The dog, the ball python, and the painted turtle.

"Tough titty said the kitty"

At a certain point in your child's life, you have to teach them how to stand up and deal with conflict on their own. Unfortunately, some parents never let that point happen (and that's when you go into courthouses and see momma standing up their next to her grown ass son at his child support hearing, ready to cuss out and/or fight his baby momma outside the court room), but I'm bound and determined not to let that occur to MY Son.

I have had an ongoing problem during my divorce with The Ex wanting to talk to me on behalf of our 14 year old Son and attempt to intervene whenever he hears our Son make any sorts of complaints about me. First of all, let me reiterate that my Son is 14, an age where NOBODY likes their parents, or at the least always has some gripe about their parents. Hell, I still gripe about my parents from time to time at 30. Add to that the fact that he's at an age where kids are very sensitive to divorce and perceive that their entire lives are just coming to an end because their parents are no longer together, so they're very angry about that. So I'm mindful of that whenever my Son makes some complaint to me about what The Ex is doing or some situation that is bothering him in his household. The Ex, on the other hand, feels the need to "speak on Son's behalf" and bring all such complaints and gripes to me, and that is where the problems come in.

This past May right before my kids were to leave to spend the summer with their dad, I did admittedly mishandle a situation and reacted out of anger and emotion toward my Son, but a big part of the problem stemmed from my Ex trying to intervene. The Ex called me up saying that my Son was complaining to him about the meals that I served to him, saying that I didn't cook "real" food. Now, I'm not a mother that routinely feeds my kids fast food, there are no cans of Chef Boyardee on the shelf, no ramen noodles, and the only person who eats hot dogs in the house is me. I made the same meals that I'd been making for the past 12 years, and often times I'd start making dinner only to turn around and see my Son putting a frozen pizza in the oven. So needless to say, I went off and, yes, overreacted by pulling a Boyz n the Hood and telling The Ex that I was just going to go ahead and bring Son's shit (yes, I said "his shit") over to his house a week earlier than scheduled and that he better make that child home cooked meals every single day. Part of that was anger and frustration, but also part of that was to teach my son not to bite the hand that feeds (literally). Talking to my son later, though, I realized that the issue was really not that deep but that The Ex was making a non-issue a big issue.

Again here recently, the Ex tried to act as my Son's representative and called me up to basically tell me that my Son wished I were a "normal" mom and that he thought I didn't want him around because he was "cramping my style". WTF?? The man went so far as to criticize my outfit and underwear choice at an awards program, telling me that I needed to wear "regular panties" underneath a full, mid-calf length multi-layered linen skirt because my "booty was flopping all over the place." WTF???? Dude, are you SERIOUS?? And everything he said to me was in the context of supposedly relaying my Son's concerns to me, making it seem as if my Son had issues with all these things. The terrible funk I was in the past few days stemmed from this conversation. Every parent, unless they are just lying to themselves that much, questions their parenting from time to time, even when they have no reason to. The Ex knows, and has always know, how to tap into and exploit my insecurities, and I think he seized the opportunity and ran with it.

The Ex told me that the reason he felt like it was his place to call and talk to me on Son's behalf was because he was "embarrassed" because Son was upset and crying to his girlfriend's sister about me (really over the issue back in May, for which I admitted my fault and apologized to my Son for). I had to let him know that I was glad that my Son had someone that he felt comfortable talking to, even though my first mental reaction was to say "Don't talk shit about me to that woman!" I had to remind him that Son is still a CHILD and yes, he's going to get upset and yes, he is going to cry, and sometimes it's helpful to have a 3rd (or 4th) party to talk to, and I feel like he should be able to talk freely with whoever he feels comfortable with without worrying about fallout later. I know that he needs that in his life right now.

What The Ex fails to realize, however, that by stepping in all he is doing is harming the relationship between our Son and me at a time when both of us need to be supporting and encouraging positive relationships with the other parent. And this is all under the guise of being "helpful" and "concerned." However, I see this as a time to tell my Son to put on his big boy pants and address any issues that he has with another person-- whether that's with us or any other individual-- mano y mano. When Son has a gripe about something The Ex did or said, my response is "Hey, you need to take that up with your dad." I feel like the only time that one or the other of us should intervene is when the issue is truly serious or harmful and one that is too much for a child of his age to address. And NEVER should we put words into our child's mouth. Because, as it turns out, when I sat down and talked to my son last night about the things his dad told me, he said he didn't say or imply most of the things The Ex said to me that he claimed our Son had a problem with. A lot of it was his own embellishment and editorializing. I once again impressed upon my son that he needs to feel free to come straight to ME with any issues he has with anything that I do, and then I will make the determination as to whether it is a serious issue in which he ought to have some input. Bottom line, he is still the child and I am still the parent, which means that by the very nature of the relationship and his age, I'm going to do some things that he doesn't like or agree with, and as my mother used to tell me "Tough titty said the kitty."