Emotional Baggage Sundays (+1): Fighting the Urge to Fight

I have a confession to make..... as much as I subscribe to the school of thought that you just have to let stuff go, I still harbor a lot of anger, hostility and pissedoffedness toward The Ex. Like, I get really, REALLY angry to the point where I'd like to commit trespass to his chattels (something along the lines of this) or some other act resulting in grievous bodily harm (but only in my mind, loved ones..... only in my mind). I'm usually a pretty laid back person who doesn't get worked up over much, especially when there's nothing I can do about it. But dealing with The Ex frustrates me to NO END, and I'm just tired of it.

Take this weekend, for example. The arrangement is that whoever has the kids for the weekend picks up said child (as we already each have one of them) at 6pm on Friday and returns them at 6pm on Sunday. Pretty standard arrangement. In the spirit of cooperation, we've been somewhat flexible on this schedule so that nobody is up in arms if we can't get there til 7pm or want the kids to stay over a little later on Sunday for dinner. However, this also leaves great room for abuse. Daughter and I had graduation for our martial arts class on Saturday morning, which The Ex claimed he could not get Daughter to so she would have to stay with me Friday and he'd come get her afterward on Saturday. Wasn't really too happy about this, because in my opinion if it's his weekend, it's HIS responsibility to get her where she needs to go and figuring out the logistics is his problem, not mine. But as usual, I said okay because I had Daughter's interests at heart and knew this was important to her.*

(*Daughter fell off a scooter and broke her wrist a week ago, 3 days before she was supposed to test to become a green belt. The day after she had surgery to reset the bone and have a pin inserted, she went ahead and took, and passed, her green belt test WITH her cast and scratched up face and knuckles.... she was uber determined. So yea, to miss the graduation would have been no bueno.)

Then The Ex changes things on me AGAIN and insists that I bring her to him. Uh no, that's not the deal... it's pick ups, not drop offs. That doesn't matter to him though. So all Friday evening and Saturday morning through afternoon we are battling via text because basically he was refusing to honor the arrangement, AND the secondary arrangement that HE came up with, and come pick her up. It even devolved to the point of him calling me a "stupid hoe".... wholly unnecessary. So FINALLY he says he's on his way to come pick her up around 1pm. I shower, get dressed, and wait.... and wait.... and wait..... because I had to be at a bar association event that afternoon. About an hour and a half later I get a text saying "I'll be there in an hour." It took all I had not to scream obscenities about him in front of his child. Although my calm outer facade said "Fine, I'll just take her with me to my function" my insides were screaming with rage. It took Daughter calling him for him to finally agree to at least meet me en route to my function, to which I reluctantly agreed because the event, while not kid un-friendly, wasn't all that kid-friendly either. I show up to the designated spot.... my travel distance being much further than his.... and he isn't there. More waiting. More rage, which I'm trying desperately to conceal in front of Daughter, but knowing me I didn't do a very good job..... even when I'm quiet, I tend to seethe. He finally shows up and Daughter is on her merry way (to the most hoodtastic and craptastic park festival that The Ex was supposedly too busy "organizing" to come pick her up, but from the looks of it, it didn't look like much "organizing" happened to put that mess together).

I just get so angry at the complete and utter lack of consideration and his constant need to try and punk me..... just a bully mentality. Never mind the blatant disrespect and insults, which really piss me off too, but which unfortunately I am somewhat used to from our days of being in wedded bliss (if you can't detect the custard thick sarcasm there, please stop reading my blogs). I'm a pretty cooperative person, but the more he tries to push me and punk me, the less inclined I am to show kindness. It's kind of a Golden Rule thing, a lesson which was apparently wasted on him. Had he 1) explained why he needed my assistance and cooperation instead of just saying "I can't/won't do it" and 2) Stuck to his word after I agreed to help him out, it would have been an entirely different scenario. And I told him that..... you receive what you give out, and so I wasn't giving out much in the way of compassion and consideration.

This troubles me, however. I don't want to be a bitter, vengeful person. I don't go as far as to be the nightmare baby momma from hell and just do things to fuck with him for the sake of fucking with him, but I'm just not inclined to be very nice. And I'll admit..... my brand of mean is quite surgical and designed to jab right where it hurts. He boxes, I fence. Regardless, though, it wastes A LOT of emotional energy, and, like a real physical fight, even when you've "won" you still come out a little beat up and sore. I'm troubled because it seems like instead of relations between us improving over time, it seems to be getting worse and worse.

Right now I'm at the point where I'm no longer sure how to be the "better person" without being a doormat that gets shat upon constantly. When you are dealing with a person who has no sense of why it's important to honor his word and thinks of nobody but himself, yet insists on what a "good person" he is, it's very, VERY hard to be the bigger person and ignore his antics, insults, and lack of consideration. Does the Golden Rule mean that if someone gives you bad treatment that you are then justified in giving it back? Or is the Golden Rule an absolute mandate that must be followed no matter how you are treated? I know that constant tit for tat gets you nowhere, but there has to be some point at which you should be able to stand up and fight back.

All I know is that I'm tired of the anger, the insults, the conflict, the drama...... I just want to move on with my life peacefully. And not have the constant urge to fight.

Please....be a little selfish

This morning I was listening to the Russ Parr Morning Show on my way to work, and the People Poll Question was about women who use their children to blackmail and manipulate men. Specifically, it was about a guy who had written in because after 3 years of being broken up, the mother of his daughter stopped letting him visit his child as soon as he started dating again, despite the fact that she'd had numerous boyfriends (whom she'd also brought around the child). This is a subject that incenses me to no end (or as Peter Griffin would say, it really grinds my gears).... women who use their children to manipulate men by means of denying visitation. I think it is the most asinine, childish, short-sighted and stupid thing a woman can do, and if I could smack every woman who's been guilty of this I would..... but then I'd die of arm exhaustion because it happens so often, unfortunately.

(The exception, of course, is if there are LEGITIMATE safety issues involved, and I'm not talking about "I don't know his friends/girlfriend"..... duh, you guys aren't together anymore, you don't share a life anymore, so of course he's going to have people in his life that you don't know, and vice versa. Save it.)

I'm not going to sit up here and say I don't understand the feelings associated with your ex moving on, and not liking the fact that another woman (or man.... baby daddies act up, too) is having a role in your child's life, whether that's because a maybe-not-so-secret desire to be with your ex or just the ego factor (that (s)he's gotten over you and moved on) or whatever irrational reason drives human emotion. I get that. But I draw the line at using your children to lash out at your ex by denying visitation and/or poisoning your child's mind with negativity about his or her other parent.

If you're going to be selfish and self centered, do it the way I do it..... I love my kids, but I love my "me time" as well. Ok, I'm being facetious and extreme here with the "selfish and self centered" characterization, but really..... I feel like it's a win-win when my kids are off spending time with their dad and with each other (remember, Daughter primarily lives with me and Son lives with him, so they're not together all the time anymore). They get to spend good, NECESSARY quality time with their father and each other, and I get a regularly scheduled (and sometimes bonus) break and I know that they are with someone who loves them and cares for them just as much as I do. I can do the things that I want and need to do for myself (I keep a standing nail appointment every other Saturday), I can travel, I don't have to worry about cooking square meals, I can sleep as long as I want, I don't have to chauffeur anyone around all day, and I don't have to entertain anyone or find someone else to entertain them.

Right now my kids are spending the first half of their spring break with their dad, and I thoroughly enjoyed only having to get myself ready this morning and I'm looking forward to a nap after work and not hearing anyone whine about eating veggie burgers (again!) and a cup of yogurt for dinner. This weekend I'm going to Washington DC with my kids, my beau, and we're picking up his son (who lives 3 hours away) on the way and he's going, too. I was a little worried (we both were, actually) that his mother wouldn't let him go because it's not his dad's weekend and because he would be going with me (she'd expressed some attitude about me before, but nothing major), but surprisingly she said yes. But please.... let someone offer me an extra free weekend of babysitting, I'd be all over it.

(I suspect the decision hinged on the fact that she's been busy finishing up her Master's program and needs him out of her hair anyway.... or maybe because now she's boo'd up too, which seems to have upped her cooperation level considerably.... but whatever, I'm looking forward to our Brady Bunch Dating trip.)

Sometimes I worry that I'm a little too un-mom-like for not taking pleasure in being such a martyr to my children by being at their beck and call 25/8, and actually enjoying some time to myself every once in awhile........or perhaps I'm just finding the positive aspect of an unavoidable situation (i.e. the kids can no longer be with both of us at the same time). I tell my Ex that he can take the kids whenever he'd like. I may miss them, but I know they'll be back and I know they're well taken care of. And I know how crucial it is for fathers to be involved in their children's lives. There are enough deadbeat and lackluster dads out there that we as women don't need to discourage the ones who are good, responsible and loving fathers.

So ladies, next time you have that itchy creepy jealousy feeling that makes you want to "show him a thing or two" and not let him see his child.... please, for your child's sake, be a little "selfish".

Baby Daddy Drama

In the wake of divorce, the term "cooperative parenting" is an oxymoron. It is as if the embittered Ex has the brilliant idea that if he does everything in his power to inconvenience you and piss you off to the highest level of pissivity, it is somehow going to make you make you realize the error of your ways, change your mind and come back. Either that, or he just has a whole lot of bitchassness up in him (or her, as the case may be).

So here's a summary of the exchange that occurred this evening:

Me: (on the phone) What time are you coming to get the kids? (it is currently 5:35 pm, and he's scheduled to pick them up at 6 per the divorce decree)

The Ex: *sleepily* Errrm..... You want me to come pick them up??

Me: Yes, that's the arrangement..... I pick them up from you, you pick them up from me.

The Ex: Well......I guess I'll come get them now......

Me: I mean, I'm not saying you have to get them right this very moment, but I just was wanting to know what time you're planning on coming out here. (this is me, trying to be courteous)

The Ex: Ok, well I'll come get them in a few hours.

Me: How long is "a few hours"??

The Ex: Why do you need to know??

Me: I just need to know when you're coming.

The Ex: I said a few hours. *click*

So then the kids ask when dad is coming to get them and I say I don't know..... my son was wanting to know if I would have time to retwist all of his locs AND detangle a group that had grown together, to which I told him I didn't know because I didn't know when good ole dad was coming to get them. So my boy calls The Ex, and this is the general gist of the exchange (most of it via our son as the conduit, a serious no-no that I try to avoid):

Son: Dad says he wants to talk to you.

Me: No, I don't need to talk to him, I just need to know what time he's coming.

Son: Dad wants to know if you can just take us to camp in the morning. (WTF???)
Me: No. He's supposed to come pick you up this evening, so he needs to come get you this evening.

Son: Dad says that he's going to have us 2 weekends in a row (which is true, because we AGREED to trade weekends in a mutually beneficial manner) so he says why can't you just take us to camp in the morning? (what one has to do with the other I'm still not clear on)

Me: No, he's trying to punk me, he's coming to get you this evening.

Son: Just talk to him.... I don't want to play messenger. (I take the phone)

The Ex: Why can't you just take them to camp in the morning? (Gas is $4.198398402, that's why!!) Why are you so eager to get rid of them?? Why can't you just take care of them and do their hair??

(whole exchange re: our Son's locs.... he had told me several weeks ago that his new moo, I mean boo, had talked to my loctician and that he could fix the issue with his locs. He then tells me that he actually MADE him an appointment, and when I challenged him on it by asking whether he called to cancel said appointment--because my loctician blacklists no call/no shows-- he admitted that he was lying, or rather, bullshitting. He then says he's just not going to show up at all and hangs up.)

20 Minutes later......

The Ex (via text): I'm coming to get them at 8.

Me (via text): Ok thank you. That's all I was needing to know.

The Ex (via text): Why are you in such a hurry to get rid of them?? (*note: see the first verbal exchange to see why this question makes no effing sense)

Me (via text): See you at 8.

This is not the first time this argument has occurred.... in fact, it pretty much happens half the time that I'm attempting to get the kids back to him. Last time it was when I took my daughter an extra day so I could do her hair (and why he can't just take her to the shop or find some other bitch to do it, I have no clue) and he wouldn't let me bring her home when I was done. This is the same man who fought me tooth and nail to try and get full custody of the kids..... ran up a $6,000 legal bill (which he never paid), got the court to order a custody evaluation (which cost upwards of $10,000 typically; needless to say it never happened). Yet, when it comes time for him to resume his parenting time it's always a battle, with his principal argument being that I'm trying to "get rid of my kids". How about the fact that you're trying to avoid getting them back?? How about that one, buddy??

I really am just trying to live my life here with as little drama as possible. I try to give a little leeway on what's in the court order and try to be somewhat cooperative, and this is what I get. Sheesh......