I'm Rubber, You're Glue

It goes without saying that divorces involving children are messy.  VERY messy.  Not only are you trying to maintain your own sanity, but you're also making sure that you don't permanently destroy the emotional health of innocent kids in the process.  Even after the divorce is over and everyone has settled down into their new roles, the kids still make things messy.  

Kids are like little (or big) balls of that thick paste you used to use when you were in kindergarden.  Everyone they touch gets all stuck together.   I always tell unhappily married childless couples to GET OUT NOW BEFORE YOU HAVE CHILDREN!!!  It just seems like it would be a helluva lot easier to hit the reset button, go on about your separate lives, and just pretend the whole unfortunate thing you called a marriage never happened.  But with kids, you are stuck dealing with this person for the rest of your life.  No, not just til the kid is 18..... the rest of your life.  The last person you want to deal with in life is the first person showing up at anything of major importance to your common offspring.  And then there's the coordination of co-parenting and attempting to work out expenses, and blah blah blah blah blah.... all the things that make you wish you'd just kept your damn pants on in the first place.  No matter how far you try to get away from the person, they just keep. Coming. BACK.

But the kids don't just put their imaginary glue all over you and your ex-spouse.  It also get stuck to any person who has ever cared about your kid, including friends your ex got custody of in the divorce and, yes, your ex's subsequent boo thangs (usually girlfriends, but I guess guys could get attached to other people's kids, too.... I've seen it happen).  My ex dated a woman for several years after our divorce, but it just didn't work out, probably because he went and had a kid with another woman.  You know, the little things that tend to piss women off.  Anyway, as what usually occurs between ex-girls and next-girls, we weren't exactly friends, and she probably hated me for doing whatever The Ex told her that I did to him, and I wasn't too fond of her because she surely sided with his version of life, but there was never any overt hostility ('cuz I see no point in squabbling with some woman over a man I do not want).  But even though they have parted ways, she still has a relationship with my kids.  My daughter goes to spend the night at her house and visits her and her family on holidays; my son still works for her in the summer and she asks him to do speaking engagements for her job.  I even felt compelled to send her an invitation to my son's graduation even though I'm sure The Ex would not have bothered.  Sure, I could be petty and attempt to block her continuining relationship with my kids, but in all fairness, she was a major part of my kids' lives for about three years, and she really does care about them. Still, though, it is a bit awkward at times when I'm sitting there thinking "I'm pretty sure you hated my ever loving guts about 18 months ago" but still having to be cool...... again, for the emotional sanity of the kids. 

Then I have another situation with my sticky children involving a friend I lost (or rather, abandoned) in the divorce.  My former high school BFF and I fell out shortly before my divorce, and she continued to be friends with The Ex.  My son is going off to college on the east coast and, coincidentally, will be about an hour from where she lives now.  I thought I had this girl out of my life for good and for the better, but now she is back wanting to play the auntie role with my son.  She has been trying to convince my son to move out east early and stay with her, against my wishes, better judgment, and desire that he stay here, get a job, and spend his last few months with his real family.  However, because she and I are no longer friends, she apparently does not care what my wishes are for my own child.  I just want her to go away and stay out of my life where I put her for good, but no, my sticky kids keep her around on the edges of my life. 

And on it goes..... ex-in-laws, old friends, new girlfriends, new ex-girlfriends, and anyone else who, if you had your choice, you would never speak to ever again in life.  But the little sticky glue ball kids walk around through life touching all of these people, and they all end up sticking back on to you. And the kids don't understand why you don't like this person or would prefer to keep them several arms' lengths from your life, so to them you just look mean and petty if you don't at least remain neutral.  I understand that when your kids are younger, you have much more control over who your child is around (I'm not suggesting sending your 3 year old off with your ex's last jump off), but when they are older like my kids (18 and 13), they have more control over who they want to associate with.  And unfortunately that often means you need to put your petty feelings aside and just accept that certain people will always be stuck around the fringes of your life.  

Divorces (where people act like adults) take a lot of restraint and emotional maturity when kids are involved.  I just never realized I'd get stuck with all these other people that I'd have to exercise this maturity with as well.  I just want to be rubber and bounce all these people far away from me, but kids... they just have to be glue. 

MILF Status: Earned, not Given

I think everyone in the free world (and a few in the oppressed one) know what the term "MILF" is. Made popular by the classic comedy, American Pie, MILF stands for the less than elegant title of, "Mom I'd Like To F*ck." It is used to refer to a woman who, although she is a mother, is still very sexy.  I see the term thrown around a lot by mothers of all ages; however when it comes to the term MILF, I am a purist that sticks to the true original spirit of the term from the movie: teenage boys standing around lusting after Stiffler's Mom. However, I've been more than slightly annoyed by what I believe is misuse and abuse of the term by those who have not yet earned the right to be called a MILF.

Stiffler's Mom: The original MILF

This may piss some moms out there off, but if your oldest child is not at least a teenager, you cannot truly call yourself a MILF. If it is only grown ass men who are lusting after you and you happen to be a mother, you are not a MILF. A MILF in training, yes, but not a full fledged, fully vested MILF.  The status of MILF is one that is earned, not bestowed merely because you had a child. MILFs stand the test of time and say to the world "Yes, after 16 years of the stress, drama, drinking and work of raising this child, I still look fucking awesome." It makes me mad when I see some woman with a 2 year old calling herself a MILF. No. Stop. Of course it is easy to still look good two years after you had a kid. I looked fucking awesome at 18 and 22. And yes, grown men are still going to find you attractive and want to have sex with you regardless of how old your kids are (or aren't). That's pretty much a no brainer. The ruler measuring MILF status is not held by your peers, but by your kids' peers. Going by the original, American Pie standard of what is considered a MILF, it is a woman who is so beautiful and/or sexy that she arouses the desires of teenage boys, teenage boys who are around perfect specimens of young females every single day.
 

Let me stop and throw out some disclaimers here. You should not throw yourself at young UNDERAGE boys. Flirting with them, buying them things, purposefully being scantily clad around them is NOT cool. It makes you look like a thirsty old pedophile skeezer and can backfire terribly if you have misjudged your MILF status. Even if you are attractive, it is not a good look. In fact, you should never even have occasion to learn of your successful induction into the secret society of MILFs directly from the source, but rather by subtle hints picked up from your own teenager, such as him being overly critical of your attire when you're going to be around his friends, or telling you that he almost had to beat his teammate's ass for staring or commenting about your appearance. You should not seek to test your MILF status (or lack thereof) by preying on UNDERAGE boys. That's just nasty. MILF status should remain a theoretical concept, not an actual one. That being said, I think MILF status can extend generally to any woman who has teenage (and up) kids who does not look like she has teenage children, regardless of whether any teens have expressed actual desire or not. But the key here is still the fact that your appearance and sex appeal have lasted (or improved) throughout the years and you have not turned into someone resembling Bleeker's mom from Juno ("Bleeker's mom was possibly attractive once, but now she looks like a Hobbit. You know, the fat one, that was in the Goonies.").

NOT a MILF

I realize that I may have a slight advantage over most other mothers of 16 year olds, being that I am only 15.7 years older than my Son. And to that I say…. tough crap, sorry for ya, and I am quite sure if given the opportunity to switch places with me, you wouldn't. This is my consolation prize for giving up my youth, the fact that I will still look good when my son leaves for college while all my other friends will be mere hopeful MILFs-in-training that will be in their late 40s when they finally become eligible for MILF status, as opposed to me being in my early 30s at the start of my eligibility. C'est la vie.

However, there is one disadvantage to being a young MILF: while your teenager's friends may be eyeing you, your teenager may be eyeing your friends. I have friends who are only about 10 years older than my Son. To put this into perspective, a good friend of mine is about to marry a guy 9 years her junior. My Son has actually threatened me in a joking-but-not-so-joking manner that after he turns 18, if I make him mad he would "pursue" one my friends to get back at me. I would laugh this off but my Son is built like a grown ass man, and once he's legal, well, there's not much I can do about him and who he chooses to be involved with. Not that I think he would actually do it, nor do I think my friends would risk death by acquiescing. But the mere possibility is enough to make me squirm in my seat a bit.  However, no matter how old you are, there may always be another MILF out there serving your son and his friends nachos with her boobies hoisted up in her not-so-tightly tied silk robe..... watch out. 

So all you mothers of preschoolers out there..... have patience, your time is coming.  All that training will pay off one day, sooner than you think.

We can't be friends

Well, I tried. Tried being the bigger person, tried to be friendly, tried to make the adjustment to this newest Adventure in Divorce as easy as possible, but it ended up blowing up in my face. I made the grave mistake of attempting to be friendly to Baby Momma #2.

A few weeks ago I read a blog post about how befriending your ex’s new woman and/or ex is a really bad idea. I admit the post had some very valid points which I filed away in my mental filing cabinet. However, also stored in my mental filing cabinet were points made on one of my favorite divorce/blended family websites, Today’s Modern Family, where the ladies have talked about how being friendly toward your ex’s new mate is an ideal situation for the children because there is less tension and animosity that they have to deal with. Being the sucker nice person I am, I opted for the second route while still being mindful of the pitfalls of the first.

At the time it seemed like The Ex was trying to make a go at having a relationship with Baby Momma #2 (hereinafter BM 2.0). She was always around, there were Master Lab photos of them with Lil Meech on Facebook, and for all intents and purposes they looked like a couple and it seemed she was not going anywhere any time soon. So when she would come to Son’s football games with Lil Meech I would say hi, come over and play with the baby, and even sit with her when The Ex ditched her to go watch the game with the other football parents (because I hated when he used to do that to me). We never really talked much, just basic chit chat pleasantries. I mainly just didn’t want Mini-Me to have to run from one end of the stands to the other in order to spend time with me and her baby brother, and admittedly I wanted to play with the baby. I even bought Lil Meech a handmade bear hat, partly as a peace offering and partly to support my friend’s business, Issaino (she makes great custom handmade crochet items), and partly because I believe every baby should have one of those bear hats.

It was actually the bear hat that kicked off my descent into the mouth of madness. I was at a football game and BM 2.0 wanted to share a picture of Lil Meech in the bear hat with me, so I gave her my number so she could send it via picture mail. No big deal. I had no intentions of every calling her or otherwise hearing from her. (Mistake #1) Then I few weeks later I get a text from her out of the blue with her asking if she could send me a friend request on Facebook, which I was a wee bit wary of but because of my stance on Facebook I figured it couldn’t hurt. The texts then lead to a conversation where she is telling me all about how badly his ex-girlfriend (the one she ousted) talks about her and the baby, and then about how the ex-girlfriend has talked badly about me, and so on and so forth. I didn’t really give much by way of info and kept my responses pretty basic, but I should have never entertained that conversation in the first place. (Mistake #2)

It is well known that all good things must come to an end, and all bad things come to an end even sooner. Long story short, she and The Ex get into it, something to do with him talking to and supposedly getting back with his ousted ex-girlfriend, BM 2.0 getting stuck here in town after her car got wrecked and staying with The Ex, and a whole lot of other dramatic antics that I had to hear about from Mini-Me and my own dad (yea, don’t ask). I then started noticing a form of female “reindeer games” on Facebook that I have termed “pissing on people’s pages” similar to how animals mark their territory. She would comment on pictures I had of the kids and Lil Meech with how much of a daddy’s boy he was and how his daddy loves him, then would tag Mini-Me on pictures of the baby and The Ex talking about how much she loved the two of them, then left comments on Mini-Me’s page and The Ex’s mother’s page about us seeing the baby, even mentioning that I had come over to visit (I was picking up Mini-Me and stopped in for 15 minutes, 10 of which was spent trying to console Mini-Me because BM 2.0 and The Ex had been fighting). The tactic was so transparent: she was obviously trying to get to the ex-girlfriend via her friends, i.e. my daughter and The Ex’s mother.*

(*For those not well versed in how Facebook works, when a person is tagged in a photo it shows up in their friends’ news feeds, even if they are not friends with the person who posted the photo. So, using the situation above, BM 2.0 takes a photo of Lil Meech and The Ex sleeping and notes in the caption that it’s 10am on a Wednesday and tags Mini-Me in said photo, even though she is nowhere in sight. The photo shows up in Mini-Me’s friends’ timelines (which includes the ex-girlfriend) and when viewed conveys a myriad of information: 1) BM 2.0 is in town, at The Ex’s place during the week when she should be at home in the next state; 2) How much she just LOVES the both of them and how much she LOVES taking care of them; and 3) A reminder slap in the face that he has a new baby with another woman in the first place. A similar marking of territory occurs with wall posts. Yes, Facebook was designed by the devil’s mistress.)

I was starting to get a bit annoyed by the use of my daughter’s Facebook account as a means of throwing jabs at the ex-girlfriend, but I figured I would just monitor the situation and say something to The Ex if necessary. But then BM 2.0 crossed all the way over the line, set up camp and posted a flag in my shit. First I get a text asking if my mother could get BM 2.0 a ticket to go to The Ex’s grandmother’s funeral….not from The Ex, but from BM 2.0 herself (I’m almost positive that The Ex had NO intention of her going). I called my mother to ask her about it and that’s when I got the earful about the insane events between BM 2.0 and The Ex that week that had Mini-Me so upset. Then the next day I get a text from her telling me things between her and The Ex were over and that he was going back to the ex-girlfriend, and I responded by wishing her the best and conveyed Mini-Me’s concerns about seeing her baby brother. That’s when things started getting messy and ugly. She starts telling me about all these “secrets” about our marriage and divorce that The Ex supposedly told her in confidence, the coup de grace being that he had slept with my (former) BFF of 10 years in high school and he had never told ANYONE about it. She acted as if she was doing me a favor by sharing all this info with me, but she did not appreciate how truly reckless and hurtful these lies were because she did not know the whole history of that situation, but needless to say I was LIVID. It ripped open some old wounds from my marriage that I had already healed over and I had done my best to forget about. I lost it (textually…. at work I was outwardly calm) and ended up in a triangular text battle with her and The Ex all morning, basically telling them to leave me the fuck alone and out of their mess. I did not know who was lying or who was telling the truth so I was just mad at everyone (kind of like how your mom gave you and all your siblings a whooping when nobody would fess up). All I knew was that I was fed up and angry at being used as a pawn, angry that my children had to be subject to the stress of their fighting and not knowing if or when they would see their brother again, and angry over getting dragged into their mess, a mess that The Ex created with his utter carelessness and inability to manage his own life.

After I had calmed down, I realized that this woman was just using me as a pawn because she was mad at The Ex and wanted me to be mad at him, too. She wanted an ally, someone who hated him just as much as she did (at that moment in time). Because it was Shark Week (i.e. PMS time) I let my emotions get the best of me and let myself get dragged into it. (Mistake #3) I later got some info from the kids that let me know I needed to stay far, far away from The Ex’s mess with this woman. After that I took her and her daughter off my Facebook friend list so that I could go back my arm’s length dealings with her, civil and cordial but that is it. I got a text from her after that about taking her off my friends’ list and her accusing me of never being on her “side” to which I had to respond that this was never about sides and I was not friendly toward her just to be able to engage in ex bashing sessions, that it was always about the kids. I have not heard from her since.

I am really not sure what to take away from all this besides reinforcement of the notion of being more cautious of people. I am a person who tries not to involve innocent people (and especially innocent children) in my problems and use them as pawns, so I sometimes take for granted that others are not so considerate and often have agendas that are not in my best interest, even when the agenda really has nothing to do with me. I was really trying to be a decent Baby Momma #1 ex-wife, not one of those nightmare exes that people talk shit about, but rather one that has moved on with her life and does not feel the need to reach back and make people’s lives hell. I tried being nice, tried being supportive, tried to not be a hindrance to a relationship between my kids and their baby brother and it came back to bite me in the arse.  I feel like she took advantage of my kindness and attempted to use it as leverage against The Ex. I am not one to be used, and I certainly will not allow my children to be used. *momma bear roar*

I really hope BM 2.0 can work something out with The Ex so that he and the kids can have a relationship with Lil Meech, but based on what I have heard and experienced in these past few days, unfortunately I am not very hopeful that she will be mature enough to put her differences aside and put the kids’ interests first (after all, she left her other kids behind in the next state to chase after a man who obviously does not want her). I told her I hope we can be civil and cordial and that Lil Meech is always welcome to visit his sister and brother while with me, but that I had to protect my emotional well being by distancing myself from her and her drama with The Ex. Ultimately, I have to accept that facilitating a relationship between the kids is not my responsibility. I cannot control the actions of two adults who cannot sort things out between themselves. We can be civil, but obviously we can’t be friends.

It's all Family (a Recant)

So it's been 2 months now since my children and I learned about the birth their new (half) sibling, whom I affectionately refer to as "Little Meech".  The kids seem to be adjusting to the idea pretty well, and even Son has gotten over his initial pissedoffedness and reportedly gave the little baby his speech about where he falls in the sibling pecking order (of course, Son is in charge).  I see pictures on their cell phone backgrounds of this chunky little baby that looks almost, but not quite, exactly like my Son as a baby, but that's been about it.

Sunday, however, I finally got to meet the infamous Little Meech.

And he's SO CUTE!!

Baby Momma #2 stopped by my parents' house to pick up Son to go back to his dad's and (probably at Daughter's insistence) she brought Little Meech in, though "little" is a bit of a misnomer because the child is huge.  Two months old and already looks like pictures of Son when he was almost 5 months old (and Son was no small baby himself).  I can save The Ex about $200 and/or an embarassing trip to Maury and declare that is definitely his second son.  He looks just enough like my son that holding him and snuggling him to my chest took me back 16 years-- just a little.  It was so cute to see Son poke his tiny nose and him bust out a big toothless grin at his big brother, and to see Mini-Me cradling him with a bottle.  I mean, who can not love seeing a baby?

Now I know I have poked fun at the situation, nicknaming the child Little Meech based upon a photo where he was covered in money and gold chains (and the fact that more than one person has pointed out his father's uncanny resemblance to Rick Ross).  Yes, I know this.  We all have our moments pettiness, but the difference with me is that I'm woman enough to admit it and admit when a change is needed.  However, Little Meech is just going to be my nickname for him, period, and I have no problem telling anyone why, same as telling Son why he was called Stinky or why my beau's son was called Boo Boo or why Mini-Me was Stealthy Kitten.  Kids have embarassing nicknames.  It happens.  And that photo is still ridiculous as hell (and will make for great blackmail material by his family in years to come).

Now, what I am also woman enough to admit is that I must recant and re-adjust with my thoughts about Baby Momma #2.  As I've stated before, overall I have never had a problem with the woman aside from quasi-jacking my son's name, which I thought was a little odd, but names that start with the letter Q are pretty cool.  Then there was the incident where I was told that she called The Ex's job supposedly about my children being at the hospital, which I later found out wasn't even true.  But it was something about seeing that innocent little baby that made me stop to realize that she is just as much subject to The Ex's tomfoolery and life mishandling as I am, and that having a hostile attitude toward Little Meech and his mother was just stupid.  I got accused of acting fake, but really it was moreso a realization that I was tired of holding onto unfounded hostility and deciding that a mental shift was necessary.

I stopped and thought about how The Ex has painted me to others as some crazy, maladjusted bitch and how that is far from the truth (maybe a little weird and misunderstood, but not crazy) and then compared that to how he has tried to paint her as crazy as well.  That's his modus operandi-- "it's not my fault, it's everyone else's fault."  His ex-girlfriend said something interesting to me shortly after they broke up (i.e. shortly after Little Meech was born) about how there were unnecessary hard feelings created between us based upon things that The Ex did and said.  And now I smack my own forehead for being led down that same road by him with Baby Momma #2.  The situation was admittedly fucked up and handled poorly, but that's moreso The Ex's doings and not hers, and it's also just life.  Life is messy and fucked up, and the best of us get caught up in it.  I'll give you a pass if you give me a pass, m'kay?

Actually seeing the baby and seeing my children interact with their brother made me realize that I have been holding onto some frustration and bitterness that is spilling over into the wrong areas of life.  Yes, I can be mad at The Ex for not being where he says he's going to be, or changing plans last minute, or calling me out of my name whenever things don't go his way and I don't acquiesse to his whims.  But I should not make my feelings and attitudes towards Little Meech and his mother an extension of that anger.  Though one could say that they are of no concern to me and my life, but the fact is that they are.  Little Meech is my children's blood relative, so in a roundabout once removed way, he is also related to me.  He is always going to be around any time my kids do something where their siblings ought to be present.  I used to work with a guy who would tell me about holidays with his family where everyone-- step-siblings, half-siblings, ex's and new spouses-- would all get together so nobody had to choose who to be with.  It was just family. 

This is not to say that I am going to strike up a friendship with Baby Mommy #2 and rally against the forces of evil be BFFs.  No, I'm not the type to sit around and talk shit with the other baby momma about The Ex-- that's so cliche, and extremely basic.  But will I do my part to make sure Little Meech has as much involvement with my kids as possible? Yes.  Because I don't want them to feel like they have to choose.  It's all family.

You're staying with WHO??

As I've previously mentioned, I'm dating a man who has a child (I called it "Brady Bunch Dating").  Dating by itself is tricky, but dating when you have kids presents it's own set of unique issues.  We've been over the weekend coordination hurdle trying to get our visitation weekends on the same schedules so we didn't always have a kid (or 2) around every weekend.  We've done the group vacation thing involving last minute negotiations with a baby momma who threatened the week before the trip to punish his son for doing something relatively minor by not allowing him to go with us.  We've listened to each other's tales of woe and frustration dealing with our respective other parents.  Overall it works pretty well, but it has its challenges.

 

Recently I have been faced with a challenge that has tested my ability to focus on priorities over feelings.  Back in December my beau's son's mother had another baby (no not his, thank the Most High) so she was unable to make the 3 hour round trip to their meeting spot on his visitation weekends with a baby in the car.  Whereas many fathers would just say eff it and take the loss on the visitation time, he decided to be the bigger person and instead drive the entire three hour each way trip to where his son lives and just stay the weekend in that city.  Okay, yes I miss him while he's gone, but it's not as bad because I have my own kids on the same weekend (after a year long battle).  But the problem is his accommodations while he's there.  Hotels twice a month would be a ridiculous expense on top of what he was paying for gas.  Originally he was supposed to be staying with a cousin or a fraternity brother, but they all flaked out on him.  The only other person who offered to help was a friend..... a female friend. 

 

Now, from a logical, rational standpoint I said to myself that I was quite sure he was being truthful when he said that she really is, and always has been, just a friend. (No Biz Markey)  But you ladies (and I'm sure guys too) know that feeling.... that icky stomach feeling.... that uncomfortable I-just-don't-like-it feeling?  I think it's called..... um, let me see...... jealousy/insecurity/possessiveness/take-two-steps-back-away-from-my-toes-ness.  It's a natural emotional reaction.  However, where the road forks is when you decide what you are going to do in response to those feelings. 

 

My choice was to put on my big girl panties and not say a damn thing.

 

I know most women would be like "Aw. Hell. To the. Naw." The issue actually was brought up by his son's mother who didn't understand how I could possibly let it happen (to which he responded "And that's why you're not my girl.")  For most women, the thought of their man going every other weekend to stay at some chick's house with his son when you don't know her, never met her, don't know what her angle is or intentions are, is a little too much for most women to bear.  And I'm a woman too so I'm not above those feelings myself.  What I am above, however, is doing anything to interfere with or complicate his time with his child.  Fathers have enough stress to deal with trying to be the best parent they can be given the limited time they have with their kids.  I can't stand when girlfriends/new wives come in and make things even MORE complicated because of how a situation makes them feel.  Guess what, sweetheart?  It's not about you.  You, unfortunately, don't come first, and you never will.  

 

So though I really don't like it and wish it were different, I've shoved those feelings down into the sub-basement, kept my thoughts to myself, and stepped out on faith a little. I really admire and respect everything he puts up with and overcomes to be a good father, so who am I to make things even more difficult.  It did make me feel good the other day when he let me know he actually noticed and thanked me for it, and asked me how I felt about it.  Because even though there's nothing to be done about it, I appreciated being able to get my feelings out. 

 

I'm not saying you have to blindly go along with any story your man or woman throws at you using their child as an alibi, which isn't cool either (but happens).  Just don't over complicate an already tough and complicated situations by always demanding that your feelings come first.  You may win the battle in the short term, but in the end nothing good comes of pitting your man against his child.  Not his child's mother... his child, because that's who ultimately gets affected.

Never grown enough for Grown Folks Stuff

As a parent, there are just some things that you don’t do when it comes to your kids. Whether your child is 3, 13 or 35, you just don’t put your child in the middle of your marital problems. That should be something you deal with between you and your spouse with as little involvement and input from your children as possible.

Apparently, my dad did not get that memo.

Yes, loved ones, for once I’m not talking about my own divorce here. And while my parents aren’t divorced, there are many times where I sure the hell wish they were just so I wouldn’t be subject to the boolsheet I was subject to last night.

The convo started out innocent enough…. My dad brought Daughter home and was telling me how they traded their timeshare in the Ozarks for some spot in Mexico and some cash…….

(First of all, this was upsetting enough. We’ve had that timeshare for almost 30 years and that was our family vacation every summer when I was growing up. I’d planned on FINALLY going back next year, so I was heartbroken to hear that they got rid of it.....)

Then he starts telling me WHY they got rid of it and how my mom threw a fit about it, which then led to more complaining, which then led him to asking me to step outside with him for a minute. My heart just sank because I knew what was coming. He starts telling me that he’s unhappy and she treats him like shit and how she’s always alienated him from his friends and family, and on and on and on and on with info that I really didn’t want or need to know. All I could do was stand there and look at the ground, saying nothing, and wait for him to finish. On the one hand I felt bad because I know he doesn’t have anyone to talk to, but then on the other I was angry because he doesn’t have anyone to talk to. Why does a 60 year old man who lives in his home town where all his family and friends live have NOBODY to vent to besides his 31 year old daughter?? But as he explained the history of their 35 year marriage for the umpteenth time I was reminded why, which then made me think about my own personal struggles with interpersonal relationships (including how their relationship was a HUGE deciding factor in my divorce decision), and overall just made me really angry that 1) my mother is the way she is, 2) my dad put up with it unchecked, and 3) I’m effed up because of it. My dad may have walked away feeling better for having gotten some things off his chest, but I felt (and still feel) like absolute crap. Now *I* am looking for somewhere to dump this shitty feeling…….

I think it’s easier to remember not to put your child in the middle of your relationship mess when they are young, because there’s that separation between “grown folks stuff” and “kid stuff”. Youth automatically serves as a buffer. However, when you get older and become an adult, that distinction no longer exists so parents feel like they can now talk to you about “grown folks stuff” not realizing and appreciating that some “stuff” is still best kept to yourself. When I was married, The Ex actually did take my dad aside once and told him to quit using me to vent to because it was causing me a lot of stress and grief…. For once he stepped up as a husband and protected me from something. But now, I’m back on my own with nobody with the authority to be that buffer and stand up to my dad on my behalf. And it sucks.

I mean, what can I really say in these situations?? I shouldn’t be EXPECTED to say anything in these situations, in which case it’s just a dumping session. Rule #1 to venting…. Do not vent to interested parties, or else it becomes a dump, not a vent. And as the child of the two individuals involved, I’d pretty much say I’m an interested party. I could not IMAGINE saying the same things to my children about The Ex that I say to my BFFs--or even the blogosphere--when I vent. Because I know it would hurt them to hear those things about someone they still love, yet they can’t come to his defense because then it seems like they are taking sides. No matter how grown they get, that’s still “grown folks stuff”.

I just wish my dad afforded me the same consideration and would leave me out of it.........

*le sigh*

How Love Works: Divorce from a Kid's Perspective

I'm not 110% certain that this was actually written by a child (you never know with things you receive in e-mail chains), but the message is the same nonetheless. Kids see, feel and experience much more than you think they do, and this is especially important to remember when it comes to divorce. The following is hilarious..... but not. Enjoy.

Fin.

Please....be a little selfish

This morning I was listening to the Russ Parr Morning Show on my way to work, and the People Poll Question was about women who use their children to blackmail and manipulate men. Specifically, it was about a guy who had written in because after 3 years of being broken up, the mother of his daughter stopped letting him visit his child as soon as he started dating again, despite the fact that she'd had numerous boyfriends (whom she'd also brought around the child). This is a subject that incenses me to no end (or as Peter Griffin would say, it really grinds my gears).... women who use their children to manipulate men by means of denying visitation. I think it is the most asinine, childish, short-sighted and stupid thing a woman can do, and if I could smack every woman who's been guilty of this I would..... but then I'd die of arm exhaustion because it happens so often, unfortunately.

(The exception, of course, is if there are LEGITIMATE safety issues involved, and I'm not talking about "I don't know his friends/girlfriend"..... duh, you guys aren't together anymore, you don't share a life anymore, so of course he's going to have people in his life that you don't know, and vice versa. Save it.)

I'm not going to sit up here and say I don't understand the feelings associated with your ex moving on, and not liking the fact that another woman (or man.... baby daddies act up, too) is having a role in your child's life, whether that's because a maybe-not-so-secret desire to be with your ex or just the ego factor (that (s)he's gotten over you and moved on) or whatever irrational reason drives human emotion. I get that. But I draw the line at using your children to lash out at your ex by denying visitation and/or poisoning your child's mind with negativity about his or her other parent.

If you're going to be selfish and self centered, do it the way I do it..... I love my kids, but I love my "me time" as well. Ok, I'm being facetious and extreme here with the "selfish and self centered" characterization, but really..... I feel like it's a win-win when my kids are off spending time with their dad and with each other (remember, Daughter primarily lives with me and Son lives with him, so they're not together all the time anymore). They get to spend good, NECESSARY quality time with their father and each other, and I get a regularly scheduled (and sometimes bonus) break and I know that they are with someone who loves them and cares for them just as much as I do. I can do the things that I want and need to do for myself (I keep a standing nail appointment every other Saturday), I can travel, I don't have to worry about cooking square meals, I can sleep as long as I want, I don't have to chauffeur anyone around all day, and I don't have to entertain anyone or find someone else to entertain them.

Right now my kids are spending the first half of their spring break with their dad, and I thoroughly enjoyed only having to get myself ready this morning and I'm looking forward to a nap after work and not hearing anyone whine about eating veggie burgers (again!) and a cup of yogurt for dinner. This weekend I'm going to Washington DC with my kids, my beau, and we're picking up his son (who lives 3 hours away) on the way and he's going, too. I was a little worried (we both were, actually) that his mother wouldn't let him go because it's not his dad's weekend and because he would be going with me (she'd expressed some attitude about me before, but nothing major), but surprisingly she said yes. But please.... let someone offer me an extra free weekend of babysitting, I'd be all over it.

(I suspect the decision hinged on the fact that she's been busy finishing up her Master's program and needs him out of her hair anyway.... or maybe because now she's boo'd up too, which seems to have upped her cooperation level considerably.... but whatever, I'm looking forward to our Brady Bunch Dating trip.)

Sometimes I worry that I'm a little too un-mom-like for not taking pleasure in being such a martyr to my children by being at their beck and call 25/8, and actually enjoying some time to myself every once in awhile........or perhaps I'm just finding the positive aspect of an unavoidable situation (i.e. the kids can no longer be with both of us at the same time). I tell my Ex that he can take the kids whenever he'd like. I may miss them, but I know they'll be back and I know they're well taken care of. And I know how crucial it is for fathers to be involved in their children's lives. There are enough deadbeat and lackluster dads out there that we as women don't need to discourage the ones who are good, responsible and loving fathers.

So ladies, next time you have that itchy creepy jealousy feeling that makes you want to "show him a thing or two" and not let him see his child.... please, for your child's sake, be a little "selfish".

I must be doing SOMETHING right....

My #1 consideration in deciding whether or not to go ahead and get divorced was not love, or finding happiness, or money, but rather how it would affect my kids. If it hadn't been for my concern about my children, I probably would have been out of that relationship a LONG time ago (if I were even in it at all.... but that's another philosophical debate for another day). My biggest fear was that I was going to mess my children up for LIFE..... all the positive progress I'd made with them shaping them into decent human beings would be out the window. I was scared they'd become academic probation, juvenile delinquent, need to go to Maury bad teen boot camp messes.

But alas, that seems not to be the case. *knocks on wood* After their first semester of the new school year--their first semester after the finalization of the divorce and the new living arrangements set in-- I've received some indication that they are adjusting fairly well to the changes in our lives. While it's not the end all be all, I think academic performance is a good litmus test of how kids are doing because when things are bad with kids, it's usually reflected in their grades. So here it goes:

Son (first semester of high school, and at a private high school at that):
World History (honors)............. A-
Spanish II.............................. B+
Theology................................ A-
Algebra I (honors).................... A+ (!!!)
Modern Technology.................. A
English 9 (honor)...................... B-

(For a 4.084 GPA (out of 4.0)!!!)

Daughter (4th grade, where things start becoming more challenging and expectations are ramped up):
Social Science.......................... A-
Reading................................... A
Spelling................................... A
Writing.................................... A
Math........................................ A
Spanish.................................... A

(keep in mind that Daughter lives with me *pats self on back*)

I am SO pleased and SO proud of my children. I really needed this validation and indication of their well-being right now, particularly considering the fact that the Ex constantly tries to paint me as a lackluster parent, which I know that I am NOT (hateration and sour grapes... that's all it is.... he has no other basis for the assertion, though it still bothers me for some reason.......perhaps because of my non-traditional nature).

But let me step back and put on my Bigger Person shoes..... I say I must be doing something right, but for all my complaints and disagreements, I have to backtrack and say WE must be doing something right. I will not be like the Ex and take sole credit for the positive parenting of our children, because they are influenced by the both of us.

(Although, I will take genetic credit for my kids smarticles, cuz it SHO didn't come from him......I can show you the academic transcripts to prove it)

Close Encounters

Yesterday afternoon was quite the milestone for me in my new single/divorcee life.... it was the day where old met new, where The Ex met the New Boo. *cue dramatical music* Now mind you, I've been in the presence of The Ex's new woman countless times, even had her daughter spend the night at my place with my daughter one weekend, but The Ex had made it clear that he wasn't prepared to meet anyone I was dating (despite the fact that he's moved in with another woman and has my children over there living in her home). And boy, he sure wasn't lying....

The Scene: Son's freshman football game. They were actually playing a team close to where I live, so I thought I would invite New Boo to come out to the game to see my baby do his thang on the football field (cuz I'm a proud mommy and want everyone to see):

(See? That's my baby running)

So I figured he could come by after work. I knew The Ex was going to be there, but what I didn't factor in was that, since it was so close to "home" a whole slew of other people were going to be there, including my mother, The Ex's mother, and our old neighbor who The Ex is BFFs with. I know that Meeting The Parents is usually a big huge deal, but nothing in my family is ever a big huge deal, so whatever. New Boo meets Mom, standard pleasantries and convo exchanged, all that good stuff. Then The Ex comes walking up the bleachers and stops to introduce himself to New Boo (who was looking *extra* clean in a chocolate brown suit straight from the J-O-B....mmmmm)......

Ex: Hi, I'm [The Ex].... nice to meet you.
(grips up New Boo entirely way too tight, as if trying to prove a point which was NOT taken.... he also uses his "man voice" which is not his normal tone, kind of like when my son talks to a girl on the phone)

New Boo: I'm ________________.

Ex: [repeats name incorrectly several times, stutters]

New Boo: [enunciates name correctly]

Ex: [spells out name] I want to make sure I got that right.

Me: *gives The Ex the www.WTF.com look*

Ex: I just like to know whose around my children.
(exits to top of bleachers)

The encounter was quite ridiculous and a whole lot of bitchassed extra..... with his wannabe "I got my eye on you" attitude, like he was going to do some extensive background search on him or have him tailed in an unmarked white utility van or something. He probably won't even remember his name after that bumbling exchange. I was PISSED, but I did a few "woo-sahs" and watched the rest of the game. The Ex was oddly quiet the entire game..... usually he's up there hollering like a fool at our Son (to the point where other parents look at him crazy and start mumbling to each other about feeling sorry for whoever's kid that is) and I didn't hear a peep. Sometime during the 4th quarter, The Ex gets up and leaves to the other side of the stadium, leaving his BFF AND his momma sitting in the stands alone. I had to stop him to give him Son's notebook that he'd left at my place and it took me a few tries to get him to understand what I was giving him and that he needed to give it to Son. The ninja was quite obviously shook.

On the way home I get an "I need to talk to you" phone call from The Ex:

Ex: Look, I need to talk to you about something serious. When I introduced the kids to the person I was dating I told you about it, and I wish you would give me the same courtesy.

Me: Um, I did.

Ex: No you didn't.

Me: Yes I did, a long time ago I told you the kids met __________.
(in fact, we'd had a convo several weeks earlier discussing trading weekends and whether to just change up the schedule and make a permanent change, at which time I mentioned that New Boo and I have our kids on alternating weekends and it would've been nice to be on the same schedule, but not a big deal..... the man obviously has such his own agenda going on in his head that he doesn't listen. I also think he's just fugged up from the divorce and his brain hasn't worked right since.)

Ex: He met [Son] and [Daughter]?

Me: Yes, briefly.
(we weren't really spending a whole lot of time around each other's kids because I like to keep my personal life and my "mommy" life separate, plus that's what the Children Cope with Divorce class recommended, which I paid attention to and The Ex obviously DIDN'T.)

Ex: What did [Son] say??

Me: He just mean mugged him like he mean mugs everyone.*
(*this is the only guy I've dated that my son has met, but he's met other friends of mine and always mean mugs anyone whom he suspects may have an interest in his mother... that's just the nature of a teenage son)

Ex: Well I knew you said you were seeing your neighbor, but you didn't tell me....

Me: *cuts Ex off* Look, you wouldn't even tell me where my kids were living when you had them living up in some other woman's house and you wouldn't tell me her full name, so you can shut up with all that. Also, wash [Son's] uniform.... he was filthy out there and looked terrible. *CLICK*

GTFOHWTBS!!! This man has obviously moved on, playing house with another woman, assuming the whole step-daddy role taking her daughter everywhere, telling me he's gonna get remarried in the next 6 months, so why all this extra when it comes to me taking things one step at a time?? The answer is obvious, but the stupidity and the bitchassedness never cease to amaze me. I'm anticipating the rest of the fall out from this, and I'm just WAITING to hit him with the below the belt blow when he says something crazy. *rubs hands like Mr. Burns*

(I just wonder how The Ex explained his jacked up mood when he got home..... wish I could've been a fly on the wall for that one. She's an idiot if she consoled him over that one and obviously will put up with anything just to have a man..... I'd be damned if my dude comes home fugged up in the head over some other chick and who she's seeing now.)

Ah well.... just another Adventure in Divorce I guess. At least it gave something for me and New Boo to laugh about.

The Slumber Party

This past weekend I had my first real "blended family" experience. Friday evening was Son's first high school football game.... Cathedral freshman vs. Carmel's (we got mollywhopped, 41-14). I went to the game with Daughter, and The Ex showed up with his new woman (she's 42.... I can't even call her his "girl" or "girlfriend"..... just doesn't sound right) and her daughter..... the nice happy new family unit. Whatever. So my Daughter and her daughter have become really close friends, since she is 10 and mine is 9. Admittedly, if I'm going to be all the way honest, I felt a bit threatened by this fact because I was worried that my Daughter wouldn't want to come back to me at the end of the summer because she had a new "sister" and other little girls to be around over with the Ex and his new rebound family..... here it's just me and the Menagerie.* But I got over it, and now she and the other little girls all run up and say hi and give me hugs whenever I come around to pick up Daughter or whatnot.

So during the game, Daughter and Sister-Friend (which is how I shall refer to the little girl) are running back and forth between where I am sitting and where The Ex is sitting, and of course the question arises that ALWAYS arises from 2 or more little girls on a Friday or Saturday...... please mommy can Sister-Friend come spend the night?? *pause* Let me explain that the way I think about life is exactly the same way I think about chess...... always thinking not only of my next move, but others' response to my next move and how I will then respond to their move. I had no problem with Sister-Friend coming over to spend the night...... she's a little girl, totally non-culpable in all this fuckery going on between me and The Ex and, necessarily, his new woman. But then I started thinking about how her mother and The Ex would respond to this inquiry based on the distorted images of me that I'm sure The Ex has painted for her (based on the wild stuff he says to me about me, I can only imagine) that I'm sure included the baseless idea that I am a neglectful mother who's just trying to get to the next party (that's the picture he paints for everyone, including himself). At first I just wanted to avoid that whole situation, but then I decided to seize this opportunity to be the bigger person and try to show that no, I am not all these negative things that he says I am (presumably). All these thoughts occurred in a span of about 3.7 seconds, but I ended up saying yes, that's fine, go ask your mom.

*sigh* And here's where the difficulty that arises WITHOUT FAIL begins. First the girls came back and Sister-Friend says "Mom says she has to ask Mr. [Ex]." Huh?? Who does this child belong to?? How much older is this woman than The Ex?? (answer: 12 years) And how long have they been together??? (answer: just a few months) That right there pissed me off, because I just knew she was going to ask him if it was "safe" to send her child with me. Getthefuckouttaherewiththatbullshit. I have been a mother for over 15 years; this woman just started 2 years ago (she adopted the girl)...... my kids are some of the most responsible, well behaved, mature, easy-going, intelligent children that I know, and the fact that anyone would question whether I had a major influence in that or not is insulting. I wanted to march over there to where they were sitting and say "Look.... I'm not going to do anything crazy to your child; I'm not going to talk shit about you two in front of her like I know the Ex does about me. I keep children out of grown folks business, unlike SOME people who want to tell them all the sordid details of our divorce and throw and break shit in front of them, and speak about their mother with hatefulness and spite. I am the bigger person here, not this bullshit artist who you've let into your life." But I didn't. I said ok and sent the girls back over there and told them to let them know that it wasn't a problem, The Ex could pick up Sister-Friend at the varsity game the next day that we were all going to, that Sister-Friend could just wear some of Daughter's clothes, etc. Here come little girls running back, and Sister-Friend says "I don't know what he's talking about.... he's not making any sense" after I'd JUST finished commenting to my mother how The Ex was going to make this a whole giant production and make it a helluva lot more complicated than it needed to be. Even a 10 year old could see it. And yes, he was trying to make it uber complicated, talking about he didn't know and how would she get home because his car was down and what would she wear...... all things I'd already addressed and provided solutions to. I still didn't understand why I was (1) negotiating and (2) with HIM and not the child's mother. I know if someone offered me a free night away from the kids, no strings attached, I'd be all over it. Eventually, after about 15 minutes of back and forth, we got it worked out and the girls came home with me for the night and would be delivered back to them at the game at noon the next day, they were pleased as punch, and I went home and crashed after getting them all fed and situated because I was WORN THE FUCK OUT from all the mind fuckery that it took to get them there in the first place.

I just didn't like the whole implications involved as to why it had to be so difficult just to have a little girl come and spend less than 18 hours with me. I don't know why it bothers me so, but I don't like people to have false ideas and images about me, ESPECIALLY when it comes to children. Sure I may have my ways that everyone may not agree with, but when it comes to my kids, or anyone else's kids for that matter, I am first and foremost a PARENT who is going to do right by them. I think about it in terms of hats, and I don't wear two hats simultaneously at any given time. I don't believe in the whole "being your child's friend" thing (I am MOM, and whatever affinity arises from that relationship is the only form of friendship you get from me, kiddo). I know that I am a good person, and I know that I am a good mother, and I make mistakes just like everyone else, but I could be doing a HELLUVA lot worse.

So anyway, that experience was a huge milestone for me. Part of accepting change and moving on and trying to make myself ok with everything. Because yes, I don't care who left who, it's still hard to see you ex move on and "replace" you, especially when from an outward perspective the situation looks better than yours. But I of all people know that outward appearances can be deceiving and you never know what goes on behind closed doors away from public eyes. I know I will never be "friends" with this new woman, but I at least want her to realize that I'm not all those negative things he says I am and that she doesn't need to step up and pick up my slack, because there is none.


*The Menagerie = The dog, the ball python, and the painted turtle.

"Tough titty said the kitty"

At a certain point in your child's life, you have to teach them how to stand up and deal with conflict on their own. Unfortunately, some parents never let that point happen (and that's when you go into courthouses and see momma standing up their next to her grown ass son at his child support hearing, ready to cuss out and/or fight his baby momma outside the court room), but I'm bound and determined not to let that occur to MY Son.

I have had an ongoing problem during my divorce with The Ex wanting to talk to me on behalf of our 14 year old Son and attempt to intervene whenever he hears our Son make any sorts of complaints about me. First of all, let me reiterate that my Son is 14, an age where NOBODY likes their parents, or at the least always has some gripe about their parents. Hell, I still gripe about my parents from time to time at 30. Add to that the fact that he's at an age where kids are very sensitive to divorce and perceive that their entire lives are just coming to an end because their parents are no longer together, so they're very angry about that. So I'm mindful of that whenever my Son makes some complaint to me about what The Ex is doing or some situation that is bothering him in his household. The Ex, on the other hand, feels the need to "speak on Son's behalf" and bring all such complaints and gripes to me, and that is where the problems come in.

This past May right before my kids were to leave to spend the summer with their dad, I did admittedly mishandle a situation and reacted out of anger and emotion toward my Son, but a big part of the problem stemmed from my Ex trying to intervene. The Ex called me up saying that my Son was complaining to him about the meals that I served to him, saying that I didn't cook "real" food. Now, I'm not a mother that routinely feeds my kids fast food, there are no cans of Chef Boyardee on the shelf, no ramen noodles, and the only person who eats hot dogs in the house is me. I made the same meals that I'd been making for the past 12 years, and often times I'd start making dinner only to turn around and see my Son putting a frozen pizza in the oven. So needless to say, I went off and, yes, overreacted by pulling a Boyz n the Hood and telling The Ex that I was just going to go ahead and bring Son's shit (yes, I said "his shit") over to his house a week earlier than scheduled and that he better make that child home cooked meals every single day. Part of that was anger and frustration, but also part of that was to teach my son not to bite the hand that feeds (literally). Talking to my son later, though, I realized that the issue was really not that deep but that The Ex was making a non-issue a big issue.

Again here recently, the Ex tried to act as my Son's representative and called me up to basically tell me that my Son wished I were a "normal" mom and that he thought I didn't want him around because he was "cramping my style". WTF?? The man went so far as to criticize my outfit and underwear choice at an awards program, telling me that I needed to wear "regular panties" underneath a full, mid-calf length multi-layered linen skirt because my "booty was flopping all over the place." WTF???? Dude, are you SERIOUS?? And everything he said to me was in the context of supposedly relaying my Son's concerns to me, making it seem as if my Son had issues with all these things. The terrible funk I was in the past few days stemmed from this conversation. Every parent, unless they are just lying to themselves that much, questions their parenting from time to time, even when they have no reason to. The Ex knows, and has always know, how to tap into and exploit my insecurities, and I think he seized the opportunity and ran with it.

The Ex told me that the reason he felt like it was his place to call and talk to me on Son's behalf was because he was "embarrassed" because Son was upset and crying to his girlfriend's sister about me (really over the issue back in May, for which I admitted my fault and apologized to my Son for). I had to let him know that I was glad that my Son had someone that he felt comfortable talking to, even though my first mental reaction was to say "Don't talk shit about me to that woman!" I had to remind him that Son is still a CHILD and yes, he's going to get upset and yes, he is going to cry, and sometimes it's helpful to have a 3rd (or 4th) party to talk to, and I feel like he should be able to talk freely with whoever he feels comfortable with without worrying about fallout later. I know that he needs that in his life right now.

What The Ex fails to realize, however, that by stepping in all he is doing is harming the relationship between our Son and me at a time when both of us need to be supporting and encouraging positive relationships with the other parent. And this is all under the guise of being "helpful" and "concerned." However, I see this as a time to tell my Son to put on his big boy pants and address any issues that he has with another person-- whether that's with us or any other individual-- mano y mano. When Son has a gripe about something The Ex did or said, my response is "Hey, you need to take that up with your dad." I feel like the only time that one or the other of us should intervene is when the issue is truly serious or harmful and one that is too much for a child of his age to address. And NEVER should we put words into our child's mouth. Because, as it turns out, when I sat down and talked to my son last night about the things his dad told me, he said he didn't say or imply most of the things The Ex said to me that he claimed our Son had a problem with. A lot of it was his own embellishment and editorializing. I once again impressed upon my son that he needs to feel free to come straight to ME with any issues he has with anything that I do, and then I will make the determination as to whether it is a serious issue in which he ought to have some input. Bottom line, he is still the child and I am still the parent, which means that by the very nature of the relationship and his age, I'm going to do some things that he doesn't like or agree with, and as my mother used to tell me "Tough titty said the kitty."

The new man in my life

Friday night the kids were home with me; Daughter was sleep on the couch and Son was in his room reading a book for school. I poked my head into my dear Son's room and had this exchange:

Me: I'll be right back, I have to go across the street and get my foil.
Son: What, to Aldi's? (it's 11 at night... um no)
Me: No, across the parking lot. I told you I couldn't make those cookies because I left my foil at the Neighbors'.
Son: *raised eyebrow* The Neighbors? How's that work..... how did you meet them?
Me: Uh well there aren't many black people in this apartment complex so you kind of just end up saying hi to and hanging out with anyone that you just happen to see.
Son: *looks at me skeptically with giant probing grey eyes* So... how does that work? What do you DO with the neighbors?
Me: We watch TV.... America's Best Dance Crew and I Love Money and Hell Date and CNN and all that. We just hang out.
Son: *gives me the "woman stop lying" look* Hmm.... well ok.
Me: I'll be right back in a minute.

I had all intentions of just running over there and getting my foil, which I'd left there a few days ago (being neighborly, I let them borrow it), so I could come back and bake my cookies. But there were so many good movies on so many different channels simultaneously (Pulp Fiction, Old School, National Lampoon's Vacation, Hustle and Flow) and we just started watching TV and talking about random ish that I ended up saying for a minute hour (at the most). I figured with Son reading his book (Three Musketeers I think) that he'd be knocked out by then since it was so late when I stepped out the door. Um, not so much. I get back to my apartment, turn the handle and *thud*..... this chile had locked the door on me, and all I'd taken with me was my phone. WTF?? All I could do was look up to the heavens and sigh.... he is SUCH my child. My Son is notorious for leaving the door unlocked all night, used to leave the garage door open all night, so obviously this was deliberate. I knocked on the door, and this boy opens it and says "Dang what took you so long??" in his man-child, no longer my baby but not quite a man, voice. I tried to be mad and tell him to mind his own damn business and I'm the mom and it's not his place to question me, etc. etc., but his concern was kind of cute. And then I'm also still, after 14 years, a sucker for his big ole grey-green eyes. I merely told him that we ended up talking and watching TV (which is the honest-to-blog truth) and just walked past him into the apartment.

Oh teenage sons..... you think you get one man out of your life that you no longer have to answer to, and they step right up and assume that role with a quickness. I love him though, and I'm glad he looks out for me in his own way.

"Kiss my placenta...."

E.Badu and her daughter, Puma

I. Love. Erykah. Badu. Period. I would just love to sit in a room with her and just feel her presence and her vibe, and just listen to her dialogue. Below is a blog posting (allegedly originally posted on okayplayer.com, but I couldn't find it) that she wrote in response to all the criticisms and insults that have been directed toward her regarding her 3rd pregnancy, and I must say that it touched me to the CORE because she addresses many issues that I have/will/am about to address with this blog. I'm feeling her. Deeply.

I've included commentary, law review style with footnotes (I'm such a dork) at the end of her post. The emphasis added is mine.....those are key phrases that really spoke to me. Preach, sister.......

****************

peace,
HOW DARE YOU DISRESPECT THE QUEENDOM

…AND MY CHILDREN AND MY INTELLIGENCE.

ive never been so disgusted in all of my life.
there is no other place i used to enjoy more.
i post no where else.
you guys have taken an all time low, tho.

I’LL STATE MY PEACE

i am a great mother and care giver to my 2 children and to this world.
my children are 2 of the kindest and happiest people i have met.
I home schooled them and taught them the ways of good to the best of my ability.
i am their doctor and their nurse.
and even sometimes their mother and their father.

i am an excellent mother and resent all of the negative comments and insults on my character.
I PUT MUCH TIME AND THOUGHT INTO HAVING AND RAISING MY CHILDREN.
IVE HAD THE HONORS OF HAVING 2 HOME BIRTHS AND 2 WONDERFUL PARTNERS BY MY SIDE.

every relationship i have been in was because i loved the person DEARLY and was dedicated to us “exclusively” FOR A NUMBER OF YEARS.

the fathers of my children are my brothers and friends.
we have a great deal of respect for one another and always will.
WE LOVE OUR CHILDREN TO NO END.
we took our own “vows” and CONTINUE TO UPHOLD THEM.
AND THAT IS WHAT THAT IS .

question?
WHAT IS MARRIAGE?
WHO IS THE JUDGE?
WE ONLY UNDERSTAND THE EXAMPLES WE ARE GIVEN (well sort of)¹

WOULD IT “LOOK BETTER” TO MARRY AND DIVIORCE AND MARRY AGAIN?
WOULD THAT BE MORALLY CORRECT?
WHATS THE DIFFERENCE? the government’s involvement i guess.
IDEALLY, IT WOULD BE EXCELLENT TO FIND THE MAN OR WOMAN WHO FULFILLS YOUR SPIRIT AND STAY FOR EVER AND EVER (thru sickness and health till death do us part) AND HAVE HEALTHY STRONG CHILDREN AS A RESULT OF A HEALTHY AND STRONG UNION.
(this CAN happen … we need much training , however.)²

OR

IS IT REALLY “GOOD” TO STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP WHERE BOTH PARTIES ARE UNFULFILLED , LONGING FOR RELIEF , BRINGING one another down as a result of improper training, creating BAD ENERGY AND EXPERIENCES FOR THE CHILD TO REPEAT?
(not to mention breeding deceit and anger and resentment)
SEEMS TO CREATE FEARFUL CHILDREN WHO TURN INTO FEARFUL ADULTS.³

HOW MANY OF YOU GREW UP IN 2 PARENT HOMES THAT WERE MISERABLE AS FUCK?⁴
OR 2 PARENT HOMES THAT WERE NOT PERFECT BUT WORKED?
HOW MANY GREW UP IN ONE PARENT HOMES WHERE THE MOTHER WORKED HARD TO MAKE SURE YOU WERE CARED FOR BUT SHE WASNT QUITE HAPPY?
HOW ABOUT A HOME WHERE THE FATHER WAS THE MAIN CARE GIVER AND DID THE BEST HE COULD -LACKING NURTURE?
HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE A SIBLING THAT HAS A DIFFERENT FATHER OR MOTHER?
DOES HE OR SHE MEAN LESS TO YOU?⁵
HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE MORE THAN 1 MOTHER OR FATHER OF YOUR OWN CHILDren?
HOW MANY OF YOU HAD/OR/ARE PARENTS RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH TO MAKE GOOD DECISIONS FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN, THAT DONT QUITE FIT ANY OF THESE DESCRIPTIONS?
HOW MANY OF YOU STAY IN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS FOR FEAR OF GOING TO HELL?⁶
HOW MANY HOS OUT THERE … THAT HAVE KIDS TO GET A PAYDAY?
HOW MANY PEOPLE GETTING THEY ASS KICKED AND ARE FORCED TO SUBMIT CAUSE YO MAMA GOT HER ASS KICKED?
THEN WHAT is CORRECT?

how about this:

I PRAY WITH MY CHILDREN
I FEED THEM GOOD FOOD
THEY RESPECT PEOPLES DIFFERENCES
THEY TRAVEL THE WORLD WITH ME
THE KNOW WHO THEY ARE
THEY ADORE THEIR FATHERS AND ARE LOVED BY 2 PARENTS OR MORE -
OR TWO OR MORE SETS OF LOVING GRANDPARENTS
THEY CRY
THEY GET HURT
THEY GET SICK
THEY HEAL

THEY ARE real

THEY ARE NOT AN IDEA or a TOPIC
AND NEITHER AM I.
I AM ALIVE.
I AM BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
I AM A GOOD WOMAM.
I AM GROWING
I AM COMPLETE WITH OR WITHOUT A PARTNER AND WILL ALWAYS BE
AND I HAVE DREAMS OF A FAMILY STRUCTURE
ALL OF MY DREAMS DO NOT COME TRUE
AND DESPITE ALL OF THE PAIN IN MY LIFE …
IN MY MOTHERS LIFE …
IN MY GRANDMOTHERS LIFE
WE HAVE ALWAYS ENDURED
AND THERE IS SO MUCH JOY TO BE EXPERIENCED.⁷
I NEVER HAD A FATHER AND I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE -
BUT MY CHILDREN DO, AND THEY LOVE THEIR ‘PARENTS’.

WE ARE THEIR CHAMPIONS.

live how you want. follow which ever pattern YOU like.
MY CHILDREN WILL BE LEADERS
and they will not ever be slaves to this society’s failing idea of morality.
THEY OWN THEIR MINDS AND THEIR DREAMS.

BIRTH CONTROL lol … could have 10 babies instead of 2.

I LOVE CHILDREN AND I WILL HAVE AS MANY AS GOD WILL GIVE ME.

I AM VERY HEALTHY AND RESPONSIBLE AND SO ARE ALL OF MY PARTNERS

I CHOSE THEM WISELY AND SOBERLY.

ALL GOOD BROTHERS.

your opinions lack experience and are not only careless but also very uninformed and immature.

nothing is sacred here. and i see why.

if i loose you as a fan because i want to continue to have children then
FUCK OFF… WHO NEEDS YOU ….CERTAINLY NOT ME … KICK ROCKS … CALL TYRONE … PACK LIGHT …. BITE ME⁸

i have defended myself here ON THIS SITE and hurled a few insults.. but only in response to your insults of
my music, my clothes, my lyrics, my hair, my being a woman, my spirit, my choices of partners….
these have all been on trial here. and i continued to support the energy of this place.

this is to all the okay players / REAL HUMAN BEINGS hiding behind screen names in order to insult one another and who ever else you will.

geeeez…
i had to say something
i am so sad for parents who try, today guys
enough is enuf.

dont judge to quickly, OKAY PLAYER?

i know you are having fun, but what if it were you and your children?
my son is 10.
my daughter, 4.

peace

ANALOGUE GIRL

and if this post is not clear
kiss my placenta.

**************

FOOTNOTES:

1. I am mindful of this going forward with my children. I want them to see happiness and joy and harmony and peace and LOVE..... not just a "union". My example wasn't the best, even though by society's view it was. And I didn't want to repeat that for them, because I saw it coming like a looming fog.

2. The "ideal" is hard to come by in ANYTHING in life. Sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes things change. Sometimes people just come into your life for a time, but then it's time for them to go. I don't want to be someone who marries and divorces and marries and divorces and marries and divorces just because marriage is the societal "gold standard". Pshaw! Anyone who thinks about that for more than 7 seconds knows that marriage isn't always the sacred, hallowed ground that our society tries to make it out to be, so much so that they will prevent people who love each other from marrying (i.e. same-sex marriages) yet encourage marriages that make no damn sense (i.e. Jamie Lynn Spears).

3. That's the point where I was at...... "longing for relief." And I saw us bringing each other down. And the energy was SO negative that it was painful. And resentment..... oh, I can't even begin to tell you how resentment poisons a home environment.... it's one of the most toxic emotions to a loving relationship. Does this environment create fearfulness?? It does, it does, it does. I was definitely a fearful child.... fearful that the anger and anamosity and conflict was always just around the corner. And still to this day I walk into my parents' house with a bit of anxiety and tension (I don't even wanna think about how many Djarum Black butts are on their front lawn). One of the biggest things I've had to conquer in the past year is FEAR. It's crippling. I don't want my kids to live with that.

4. Um, I did. :(

5. I didn't know until I was 12 years old that my oldest sister is my half sister, and not until years later did I learn that my mother was married before. I love my sister just the same as I love my other sister and brother, and my niece is no less to me than my two nephews. It's all family; it's all love.

6. Even though I'm not an incredibly religious person, I take God very seriously. And it did trouble me that I was breaking/broke the vow I made before God. But I think/hope/pray that (S)He will forgive me. For everything.

7. So much joy to be experienced..... yes. I did not want to be trapped in a toxic bubble--or my children to be trapped in a toxic bubble-- blocking out all the joy that life has to offer, merely for the sake of saying we had a "traditional" family. There is much joy to be had in non-traditional familes, too.

8. *claps hands like an excited child* Tell 'em, Erykah!! No fan lost here FA SHO! This has just made me love Erykah more. I may just be parked outside of Target at 7:55am on July 29th (??) to get New Amerykah Pt. II, and Dwele will be getting evicted from my CD player and iPod for quite awhile.

For the kids.....?

For anyone who is married with children, the #1 consideration in deciding whether a divorce is the right thing to do is how it will impact the kids. Despite what anyone may think, my feelings about my Ex (or lack thereof) were secondary in consideration. Of course it is ideal for children to be reared in a two parent household with both their natural parents, but in reality, that's not always possible for whatever reason.... whether that's because the parents never married in the first place or, like my situation, the marriage ends in divorce. I had the "ideal" situation despite the odds that were against us. We had our children at 15/16 and 20, but still ended up staying together and getting married. So if I had the ideal situation, why did I throw it away? Answer: I did it for my kids.

Yes, that sounds incredibly bass-akward. Normally "for the kids" is preceeded by "we're staying together". And many, many, many people choose to live their lives in constant conflict and turmoil for the sake of their kids growing up in a 2 parent household with both their natural parents, often because they themselves did not grow up with that. But I'd like to pose another viewpoint, that of someone who grew up with both my parents who, at least from my perspective, seem miserable with each other. I've written on this before so I'll try not to repeat myself, but growing up seeing your parents at each other's throats all the time is not a good thing. Even when no words are spoken and the parents maintain the fascade that everything is ok, as a child (and I'm talking about as an adult child here, too) you can feel it. Just yesterday I was at my parents' house and they were having an exchange about taking the kids to the movies, and I saw my mom make a comment to my dad and had the most lothing look on her face. My first instinct was to snatch up my kids and get them out of there and away from that. But that is exactly the sort of thing I didn't want for my kids.

Children need to grow up with examples of healthy relationships, whatever form that may be in. A two biological parent household does not by default translate into "healthy". The old addage "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" is one that rings true in these situations. I didn't want my kids growing up and only knowing me as depressed and stressed like I did with my mom. Even though the quantity of my parenting time has been reduced as a result of my divorce, I feel like the quality has been greatly improved. I am happier and more content with life, which has made me a more patient and loving mother. Stress and tension and turmoil radiates, no matter what type of front you try and put up for people. Likewise, peace and contentment radiate as well.

(Sidenote: When I was at the convention center this weekend, I was approched by a man who asked me if I used to work in the same building as him downtown. He said "I always wanted to approach you, but you were always looking so mean!" I told him that it was because I was miserable in my job and my marriage, but now I'm much better since I left both. He said he could definitely see the difference. That was one of those "ok, you did the right thing" confirmation moments.)

So my philosophy is this: Yes, divorce is very hard on children, but sometimes it is necessary so that everyone--children included-- can live peaceful, healthy lives. If you're trying to hold together a toxic environment "for the sake of the kids" you're really not helping them as much as you think you are. My kids will always have their mother and father there to love and raise them, but hopefully in the near future they will be able to experience all that truly loving, happy and harmonious relationships have to offer.

Access Denied

So I called my son this evening and asked him how things were going.... how was his weekend, how's practice, how's his week, etc. He seemed a little bummed so I asked what was wrong, so he proceeds to tell me about some issues he's been having with The Ex's girlfriend's daughter and how he feels like he's been put into an unfair position as far as his level of responsibility for her. I then hear The Ex screaming at him in the background for talking to me about it, saying "Don't talk to her about that!! She can't do shit about anything going on over here!" I kept my cool, and calmly assured my son that he could talk to me about whatever he wanted, and that I was not trying to pry or interfere. His response to me: "No, I can't." I honestly was not trying to interject or pry into their "household". I was just talking to my son, trying to find out what's going on in his world.

It's a difficult adjustment to go from knowing 100% what's going on in your kids' lives to seeing them having a whole other life seprate and apart from you. It's like someone has pulled a curtain around those areas of their lives, and effectively areas of your own life. They are dealing with new people, new rules, new routines, new everything, and all you can do is stand on the other side of the curtain and maybe sometimes hear a murmur or catch a glimpse. I talk to my kids and ask what's been going on with them, and they start talking about people and friends that I don't know. And that's hard to accept sometimes. But accept I must, because I know that it comes with the territory of divorce.

What I can't accept, however, is The Ex telling my kids what they can and cannot talk to their mother about. It is enough of a struggle trying to get a 14 year old boy to talk to his mother (my daughter still talks my ear off) without negative reinforcement via his dad giving him hell about it. You can do anything you want to me, but when you start involving my kids, then we are going to have problems. I would not do anything to hinder open conversation between my kids and their dad, because I know that if they feel comfortable about opening up about things of the nature of my and my son's conversation, they will be more inclined to open up to him, and me, about topics of a more serious nature. I know that by putting those limitations on their communication with their dad, it puts them in the unfair "middle" position and into a situation where they feel like they have to choose sides. I've always tried to avoid that, while The Ex has repeatedly placed them right into the line of fire, or actually used them as ammo. And it hurts my heart because there's nothing I can do to "protect" them from that..... all I can do is hope that my Ex somehow develops some sense of maturity and perspective.

I can see the bigger picture here..... even if I can't see the whole picture.

Baby Daddy Drama

In the wake of divorce, the term "cooperative parenting" is an oxymoron. It is as if the embittered Ex has the brilliant idea that if he does everything in his power to inconvenience you and piss you off to the highest level of pissivity, it is somehow going to make you make you realize the error of your ways, change your mind and come back. Either that, or he just has a whole lot of bitchassness up in him (or her, as the case may be).

So here's a summary of the exchange that occurred this evening:

Me: (on the phone) What time are you coming to get the kids? (it is currently 5:35 pm, and he's scheduled to pick them up at 6 per the divorce decree)

The Ex: *sleepily* Errrm..... You want me to come pick them up??

Me: Yes, that's the arrangement..... I pick them up from you, you pick them up from me.

The Ex: Well......I guess I'll come get them now......

Me: I mean, I'm not saying you have to get them right this very moment, but I just was wanting to know what time you're planning on coming out here. (this is me, trying to be courteous)

The Ex: Ok, well I'll come get them in a few hours.

Me: How long is "a few hours"??

The Ex: Why do you need to know??

Me: I just need to know when you're coming.

The Ex: I said a few hours. *click*

So then the kids ask when dad is coming to get them and I say I don't know..... my son was wanting to know if I would have time to retwist all of his locs AND detangle a group that had grown together, to which I told him I didn't know because I didn't know when good ole dad was coming to get them. So my boy calls The Ex, and this is the general gist of the exchange (most of it via our son as the conduit, a serious no-no that I try to avoid):

Son: Dad says he wants to talk to you.

Me: No, I don't need to talk to him, I just need to know what time he's coming.

Son: Dad wants to know if you can just take us to camp in the morning. (WTF???)
Me: No. He's supposed to come pick you up this evening, so he needs to come get you this evening.

Son: Dad says that he's going to have us 2 weekends in a row (which is true, because we AGREED to trade weekends in a mutually beneficial manner) so he says why can't you just take us to camp in the morning? (what one has to do with the other I'm still not clear on)

Me: No, he's trying to punk me, he's coming to get you this evening.

Son: Just talk to him.... I don't want to play messenger. (I take the phone)

The Ex: Why can't you just take them to camp in the morning? (Gas is $4.198398402, that's why!!) Why are you so eager to get rid of them?? Why can't you just take care of them and do their hair??

(whole exchange re: our Son's locs.... he had told me several weeks ago that his new moo, I mean boo, had talked to my loctician and that he could fix the issue with his locs. He then tells me that he actually MADE him an appointment, and when I challenged him on it by asking whether he called to cancel said appointment--because my loctician blacklists no call/no shows-- he admitted that he was lying, or rather, bullshitting. He then says he's just not going to show up at all and hangs up.)

20 Minutes later......

The Ex (via text): I'm coming to get them at 8.

Me (via text): Ok thank you. That's all I was needing to know.

The Ex (via text): Why are you in such a hurry to get rid of them?? (*note: see the first verbal exchange to see why this question makes no effing sense)

Me (via text): See you at 8.

This is not the first time this argument has occurred.... in fact, it pretty much happens half the time that I'm attempting to get the kids back to him. Last time it was when I took my daughter an extra day so I could do her hair (and why he can't just take her to the shop or find some other bitch to do it, I have no clue) and he wouldn't let me bring her home when I was done. This is the same man who fought me tooth and nail to try and get full custody of the kids..... ran up a $6,000 legal bill (which he never paid), got the court to order a custody evaluation (which cost upwards of $10,000 typically; needless to say it never happened). Yet, when it comes time for him to resume his parenting time it's always a battle, with his principal argument being that I'm trying to "get rid of my kids". How about the fact that you're trying to avoid getting them back?? How about that one, buddy??

I really am just trying to live my life here with as little drama as possible. I try to give a little leeway on what's in the court order and try to be somewhat cooperative, and this is what I get. Sheesh......