My UPDATED Dating Personality

A few years ago, I took the highly entertaining, yet eerily accurate, OK Cupid Dating Persona Test, consisting of 32 "dating types" possible (16 male and 16 female) based on a 4 factor combination (Random vs. Deliberate, Gentle vs. Brutal, Sex vs. Love, Master vs. Dreamer). My result back then: The Playstation (Random Gentle Sex Master).  Admittedly, I was simultaneously in a very bad, but very fun, place. My overarching mentality was "fuckit". And my dating personality definitely reflected that.

Fast forward three years. I decided to take the Dating Personality Test again to see just where I am now. And the results are...... *drumroll please*

The Peach

Random Gentle Love Master (RGLM)

"Playful, kind, and well-loved, you are The Peach.

For such a warm-hearted, generous person, you’re surprisingly experienced in both love and sex. We credit your spontaneous side; you tend to live in the moment, and you don’t get bogged down by inhibitions like most women your age. If you see something wonderful, you confidently embrace it.
You are a fun flirt and an instant sweetheart, but our guess is you’re becoming more selective about long-term love. It’s getting tougher for you to become permanently attached; and a guy who’s in a different place emotionally might misunderstand your early enthusiasm. You can wreck someone simply by enjoying him.
Your ideal mate is adventurous and giving, like you. But not overly intense."





Your exact female opposite:
The Nymph - Deliberate Brutal Sex Dreamer

Consider:
The Loverboy (RGLM)
The Playboy (RGSM)
The Boy Next Door (RGLD)

Always Avoid:
The False Messiah (DBLM)

I am pretty pleased with the result.  I went from a Random Gentle Sex Master to Random Gentle Love Master.  I know that I have evolved over the years, but I was somewhat worried that I had changed way too much, gone "soft."  Apparently, not so.  I am still the same fun-loving, spontaneous, free-spirited person, but with one very important change:  "you’re becoming more selective about long-term love."  Being a Playstation was fun, life as a Peach is much, much more satisfying.

Forgiveness: A relationship with time

The act of forgiveness is the act of returning to present time.
And that's why when one has become a forgiving person,
and has managed to let go of the past,
what they've really done is they've shifted their relationship with time.

~ Caroline Myss ~

I once heard forgiveness defined as the letting to of the desire to see another person suffer. When someone has wronged us, we naturally want them to pay for what they have done.... some retribution of sorts. The inability to forgive, however, is desiring to see that person pay that retribution over, and over, and over again. Until we completely let go of that desire, we have not truly forgiven. This is one of the most difficult feats of humanity, and even harder than forgiving others is the act of forgiving one's self.

I did something to hurt someone that I really care about (and no, for once I DON'T want to discuss it). We've discussed it a few times and I always remind him that I'm sorry for what happened, but can't go back and change the past and bottom line that there's nothing I can do or say about it to make it better and that all I can do is move forward. I think this has been misinterpreted as a lack of remorse or some sort of after the fact justification..... not at all. I am really sorry about the situation, and I am saddened by how it changed things, but I've also accepted that I must live in the present and I must forgive myself. I can't continue to beat myself up over something I cannot change.

Living in the past and wishing you could go back and change things is pointless. Conversely, wishing another person can go back and change what they did is pointless, too. What you can change and control, however, is how you deal with the present moment. Forgiveness is a matter of not focusing on the past, but instead focusing on the present and the future.... a shift in a relationship with time. And true forgiveness is not reverting back to the past period.... you can't say you forgive a person and be okay with them 90% of the time, but have that 10% constantly hanging over their head. That 10% still leeches into the fibers of the relationship and taints it, and ultimately destroys it.

I know this is a challenge, loved ones, but think about someone who has wronged you and make an effort to let go of the hurt, bitterness, and desire for emotional retribution. Or better yet, think of something that YOU have done to hurt someone else that you are beating yourself up over, and make efforts to accept that what is done is done and forgive yourself.

Unforgiveness is the poison you drink every day
hoping that the other person will die.

~ Debbie Ford ~

3 Month Rule

This is a repost from my friend Teej (TJ Armour), a dear friend and fellow blogger. You can check him out very Friday at the InCHICity Lifestyle Blog (you can also find a link in my blogroll) and also on his Blogger blog: It's How I Feel... You Don't Have to Necessarily Like It. Anyway, I was really feeling this post and wanted to share it with you, loved ones:

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You know how in the movie 'Love Jones' when Nina and Darius hit it off, then Nina's ex-fianceé, Marvin tries to come back in the picture? Marvin invites Nina to NY to see if there is truly anything left, and b/c she wanted to inquire about some job possibilities out there she contemplates going. Nina is concerned how this will go over with Darius and Josie recommends that she tell Darius and if he acts the fool that means she "has" him and there is no need to go to NY. However if he tries to play it cool Nina should go and teach "his ass a lesson."

*PAUSE*

(Yo I hate LOVE GAMES! I think we're too grown for that. It was cool in high school but not so much now. People just need to be direct and up front about shit yo. You start playing the love games and shit gets tricky. Use your budnippers people. Nip that shit in the bud, say what you mean, be open and direct and you will be just fine like Mary J.)

Anyways….once Nina decides to follow Josie's advice shit goes haywire and it takes them a year to get it back together! But that's not the point of this blog. And yes I realize that if you aren't familiar with the movie, then all those names and whatnot may confuse you and surely ruin it if you haven't gotten around to seeing it, but you know what? I DON'T CARE! It's one of the best movies EVER and your monkey ass shoulda seen it by now!

Moving along…..

The whole point of this blog is about starting a new relationship. I think it's granted that in between relationships you have "situations" with people that you deal with and all, right? They aren't quite your girl, but yall hang enough for there to be some sort of understanding. Not necessarily on a physical tip, but again there is a understanding. Then you find someone who you start to kick it with and before you know it you are thinking of that person as a possible mate. But what about ol girl that you "see" sometimes? Then there's that "weird period" usually at about the 6 week mark or so when you start thinking "Man things is getting real with Tasha, but how am I gonna shake Lisa?" Anyone feeling me?

And so ladies and gentlemen that's why I'm proposing a 3 month rule!

See with the 3 month rule it is understood that with any new person you begin to see, you have exactly 3 months to completely rid yourself of any "situation" that needs to be disposed of. The start date of the 3 month rule is retroactive to the first time you realized that you and the newbie may have something here. And again that realization usually comes at about the 6 week mark of you two kicking it, so in essence that literally leaves you 1 1/2 months to rid yourself of said "situations", but you know….different strokes for different folks so we'll leave it at 3 months.

After that…..you are just bullshitting and I advise you to stop wasting grown folks' time.

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Now for my commentary.......

This post address what I call that "limbo phase"..... where you are basically a couple for all intents and purposes and do all those couple things, but don't call yourself a "couple". It's like when I moved out of my parents' house when I was 18 and got my own apartment in MY name, and The Ex lived there EXCEPT for when the bills came due.... then he "lived at his momma's house" (GTFOHWTBS! But I was 18 and dumb, so whatever....moving on). It's essentially a way of trying to have it all.... you get all the benefits of a relationship with none of the obligations (ex. time requirements, requirement to cut off everyone else, being worried about the person's feelings, etc.). People want to keep holding on to those just-in-case-it-doesn't-work-out "situations" or try and make sure they don't miss out on the Next Best Thing, but by doing this you are pretty much ensuring that it won't work out. Self-fulfilling prophecy, my damies...... you hold back time and commitment and obligation, which will eventually kill any budding relationship because MFs get tired of waiting and getting used for the goods (and I'm talking about men AND women here).

I like Teej's suggestion of a time limit, and though I'm really not a fan of arbitrary rules, I feel what he's saying about not dragging the shyt on forever and ever. But even more so, I agree with his statement about just being up front with people about what you want and expect (not saying that I always am.... I'm working on it). I myself learned my lesson about this not too long ago when I had a "why didn't this go anywhere" convo with a friend of mine...... basically it was because we both assumed that the other was just enjoying singledom and wasn't ready for a relationship, and we adjusted our behaviors to reflect those assumptions about the other person, which only served to reinforce them. Eventually that aspect kind of fizzled out was put on hold indefinitely and we became "just friends." Neither one of us had the cajones to say "I like you, let's see if this could work" and instead just tried to be cool with each other ("be cool, be cool, don't fall for it..... ice cold"). Ah well...... c'est la vie. But that's what happens when you drag things on and on and nobody wants to make any forward movements for fear of shyt not working out.

At some point you have to take that leap of faith knowing that there's a possibility that you will hit the ground. Hard. But it's better than pussyfooting around in the name of "protecting your feelings" and "not settling" or "not wanting to miss out" and all those other excuses we use to cover up for the fact that we just want to keep having our cake and eating it, too. Again, I'm not saying that I'm not guilty of this as well, and perhaps Teej and I are being a little idealistic, but I know my life would be a helluva lot simpler if everyone did play by these rules.

Smiling behind the clouds

I admit..... I am a recovering pessimist:

Main Entry:	pessimist
Part of Speech:	noun
Definition:	A prophet of misfortune or disaster.
Synonyms:	Cassandra, doomsayer, worrywart

See?? It's right there. I really can't help it.

And often I use my blogs as an outlet for my frustrations, which I realize makes me seem like an overly negative and downright miserable person. Not so. Well, not so much anymore (remember, I said "recovering"). The transformation in my way of thinking about the world has been RADICAL over the past year and a half. This becomes extremely apparent now when I talk with my friends, most of which I know from law school, which lends to a more pessimistic attitude (because pessimists are more successful than optimists in law school.... it's a fact). We have a tendency to catastrophize, be an all-or-nothing thinker, "should on" ourselves, and overgeneralize......all those forms of distorted thinking, and I would be the Grand Poobah at the pity party. Now I try and tell my friends to calm down, not worry, change their way of viewing a situation, and all those good things that Zen teaches us (or me, anyway..... I don't know about you), and sometimes it even bothers me because the distortions are so glaringly obvious. But, old habits die hard, and days weeks like today this week I feel that old "woe is me" feeling starting to creep over me like kudzu in Georgia and I start thinking of illegal creative ways to score some Wellbutrin.

WELL NOT TODAY DAMMIT!!!

I'm going to go through everything that's bothering me (ok, so just a few things) and find its positive spin. Even if it kills me. Ok, not really, but in the hyperbolic sense.

1. I'm lonely.

Well, duh, you just kicked your mate of damn near 15 years to the curb and it's kind of hard to get back up to speed after that. But more importantly, speed isn't necessary. This is a time where I need to take advantage of something I've never had...... Me Time. And not Me Time in the sense of having time to myself to chill or do something fun (because I have more of that now, actually, with having to share custody of the kids), but in the sense of figuring out who I am and what I want without any interference from someone with their own agenda for me. I need to seize this opportunity to heal myself, because divorce is emotionally destructive like Hurricane Gustav, and it takes time to clean up the wreckage. You can't just run in and start slapping up structures on top of the wreckage..... you have to clean up first, THEN rebuild. Likewise, I shouldn't worry about throwing a new relationship on top of my emotional clean-up project (because if you assume (like my Ex) that divorce doesn't hurt the protagonist of separation, too, you are dead freaking wrong). I just need to remember that this is a process, and to be grateful that I have the time to go through the process...... I don't feel the pressure to rush into a new relationship because of a biological clock, or the need for financial support (eventually.... I'll get to that). There's no panic, there's no rush. *woo sah*

2. I'm broke and working a menial job.

I started my temp job this week, and yes, it sucks badly, more so emotionally and egotistically than anything......I make less in a day than I could potentially earn in an hour, but those goodie good hours are few and far between working as half-hearted solo practitioner who would much rather have an office that isn't parked in front of the TV. Ok, so it doesn't suck THAT bad..... it's laid back, people are cool, I don't have to dress up, it's mindless, and I can sit and listen to my most favoritest DJ's mixes on my iPod (if he would ever get me my CD!! *points finger menacingly*). I suppose it could be worse. But beyond that, this experience is teaching me humility and that there are a lot of things I can go without. I don't have to go buy a new shirt or dress (even from the clearance rack at Target) every time I want to go out to an event somewhere. I don't need the eyeshadow beckoning to me from the end cap display at the store. Pre-gaming with Oliver Wines is a good thing..... or even better still, no need to get shitfaced have several drinks when I go out. I'm more conscious of where and how often I drive, I pay more attention to prices in the grocery store..... all of those things I didn't do when I did have the six-figure gig, but which I should have been doing. Now I know better. As my ex-work spouse says "That'll learn ya."

But most importantly, it is forcing me to accept that a job does not define who I am and what my worth is. So much of my identity came from being the Big Firm attorney..... but that is what I DID, not who I AM. I am a mother, I am a friend, I am a lover; I support people I care about; I love music, I love books, I love writing, I love nature; I am spiritual, I am caring..... none of those things have anything to do with where I spend 8+ hours a day making a living or how much money I make doing it or whose ass I had to kiss to get there or how many people I have kissing mine. I think I had to lose all that to appreciate those things about me that were being suffocated and stifled by being defined by my career. I'm struggling now, but I know I will come out of this having changed for the better (and still with a cum laude law degree, dammit), and will appreciate my paycheck just a little bit more, and will keep it more in perspective.

3. I'm heartbroken.

This is the 8000 lb elephant in the room that keeps kicking shit over, and I keep picking things up and gluing them back together like nothing happened, but I'm ending up with a lot of broken shit everywhere so I think it's time to address the offending pachyderm. I have got to remember that everything happens for a reason, and things work out the way they are SUPPOSED TO. I keep having to tell myself "be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it".......though I've seriously given up hope of ever getting it (although, stranger things in life have happened). I have to keep reminding myself that the reasons why our relationship could not work are the same qualities that would probably ultimately destroy it in the end anyway (again, so I must tell myself, but who knows, who knows.....). Some people come into your life for a reason, and I have to make myself believe that he fulfilled that reason, and now it is time to let go and move on.... and I mean truly move on mentally and emotionally. And this goes back to my earlier discussion about cleaning up the emotional wreckage...... if my divorce was Hurricane Gustav, this was the tornado that came along in the aftermath. But this was truly a life learning experience for me..... I'd never experienced heartbreak. I'm now weathering something I should have dealt with a few times over by this point in my life. I'm learning how to let go without turning to hate (like my Ex has). At times it has been hard not to turn my feelings to bitterness and hatefulness (and subsequent hateful behavior..... not cool), which is the quick and dirty method of dealing with heartbreak. I feel like I will eventually be a better person for walking away and moving on while still maintaining a level loving kindness (i.e. "love without attachment".... again, a Zen thing) for him, which is that level of caring that makes me not turn to a scorched earth policy and make his life a living hell (which is hard to resist since it keeps getting done to me by my Ex, so there's a tendency to pay that bullshit forward, but BECAUSE I know personally how shitty that is, I won't/can't do it). This shit sucks now, but I know it won't be forever, no matter how that works out..... and it will work out how it is supposed to with no intervention from me. *sits on hands*

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Ok, so that wasn't 100% positive, but it's a recovering pessimist's positive, and my own dark humor version of positive. I just don't have it in me to be happy-go-lucky. But this is me. And I'm happy to be who and how I am. Don't let the gloom and doom fool ya..... I'm still smiling behind the clouds.

No Soup for You! (a fucking rant)

DISCLAIMER: Do not proceed if you have a problem with the word "fuck" (or any of its derivatives) because it appears A LOT in the following rant. Please and thank you.

I fucking give up. Why is it so damn hard to find a (nice) guy who has more than every other second Saturday of every third months and only after 11:34pm to spend time with a sista??

I've tried to be open the idea of dating one person at a time thing, but ya know, it just doesn't seem to be working. Everybody is too fucking busy doing every damn thing with every damn body else in the world. I'm tired of being that understanding bitch who constantly says "Oh that's ok.... do what you gotta do..... another time then." Sometimes I just wanna be that irrational crazy bitch that all the guys say they don't want, but in the end really DO want, and scream "NO IT'S FUCKING NOT OK!" You claim you like me, you claim you wanna be this that and the other to me, well dammit, there's a cost. And again, being the cool, low-maintenance chick that I am, I don't demand expensive dates or trips or shopping or paying my muthafucking bills, all I ask for is TIME. Yes, time is money, but that's in fucking THEORY, dammit. You don't get a bill for time, and it keeps going whether you were to pay that bill or not.

And you know, I understand people are busy (there I go, being understanding again) and they have things going on in their lives that they have to attend to. I wouldn't want someone bitching and moaning at me about how I'm working too much or spending too much time with my kids or whatever. Do what you gotta do. Handle your business. But just know there's a consequence to "no time for you" and that is "no time for you either.... sorry." I'm sick of the "get in where you fit in" thing and being the one to jump to squeeze myself into the iota of time a guys has "free." I have a friend who I'm still otherwise cool with who still can't grasp the concept as to why he lost his privileges (and why I didn't want to be his boo), even though I've explained to him numerous times that it comes down to the fact that he has time for everything and everybody except me. That's how he chooses to utilize his time, which I'm not mad at..... like I said, we're still cool..... but there are consequences and repercussions to those choices. One of which is "no soup for you!" I don't get mad, I just give you the space that you obviously need more than having me around. Onward.

And going back to that irrational crazy bitch thing...... I'm convinced that guys really DON'T want that cool understanding chick that doesn't trip on them about every little thing. Or at least, the shit doesn't pay off and and the end of the day I'm the one looking stupid and disappointed because MFs take advantage and don't really appreciate how good they truly got it dealing with a chick like me. I think all men need some healthy level of fear of a woman (when I was married I called it "wife fear".... which my Ex had none), that desire not to hurt or upset her..... the fear of a woman's wrath. I am severely lacking in wrath, so my usual reaction is to just get ghost, leaving muthafuckers scratching their heads wondering "What the fuck just happened??" (my Ex is STILL asking that question) Perhaps I ought to re-train myself to start actually going off on a muthafucker every time I feel ever so slightly jilted, regardless of whether they can do anything about the situation or not. It may not be logical or rational, but at least that shit gets results, seemingly more so than being tolerant and understanding. I initially developed this tolerance out of necessity because The Ex really didn't give a fuck if he made me mad or upset, so instead of trying to change him I changed myself..... no sense getting mad over something you have no control of. But I think that's handicapped me in the long run because now I'm TOO damn passive passive aggressive. Like with this rant..... I already know that folks are gonna read this and get pissed. Oh well. I'm not pointing out any individual(s) in particular, but if the shoe fits, put that muthafucker on and run the Boston Marathon with it.

So I don't know.... maybe it's just a recurring "he's just not that into you" situation. I'm not conceited enough not to rule that out, but then again I'm also not so self-centered and self-loathing to assume that the reasons folks are so "busy" has anything to do with me and that they don't truly have anything truly important going on. Hey, do what you gotta do, good luck with that, best wishes and all, no hard feelings. All I know is that I'm tired of getting in where I fit in, tired of being low on the priority list, tired of getting effectively treated like the booty call that I am NOT. This is about ME and MY needs/desires/demands/conditions for companionship, and it really just comes down to whether one guy can meet those demands or not, plain and simple. If not, well...... no soup for you.

(ok, now I've got that out of my system.... whew! I feel (a little bit) better. And if you didn't watch the Seinfeld bit, you really should..... I'm not even a Seinfeld fan and that shit is hilarious to me. Plus it helps to know what the fuck I'm talking about.)