Evolution

"You've changed."

Of course I have changed.  I am no longer the sad, frustrated, misunderstood, repressed individual that you knew back then.  I no longer have to pretend that I want a life that I am clearly unhappy with; clear to everyone but myself.  I have found the peace of self-acceptance and the courage to want more.

"You've changed."

Of course I have changed.  I am older, more experienced, wiser.  I have seen the errors in my ways and have worked hard to correct them.  I have been consumed by the fires of life and rose from the ashes like a phoenix.  My new crown of locs is my plumage, not an act of vanity. My mistakes do not repeat. 

"You've changed."

Of course I have changed.  I am now with someone who loves me for me, not who he wants me to be.  I have been allowed to be at peace with myself, to be comfortable in my own skin, to rejoice in my idiosyncrasies.  I no longer have to hide or shove myself into ill fitting spaces, just to appease you.

"You've changed."

Of course I have changed. As I age I am more concerned about my physical and mental well-being.  I am conscious of the foods I put into my body, and I want my kids to have healthy, well-balanced meals.  I have someone who inspires and encourages me to stay active.  I refuse to let myself go.

"You've changed."

Of course I have changed.  My children are older, they are becoming individuals.  I cannot parent them as I did when they were small.  They need more guidance, order and structure, and I have to wield a firmer hand at 13 than I did at 3.  My kids may not like it, but they love and respect me for it.

"You've changed."

Of course I have changed.  I have realized that my "dream job" was always someone else's dream, and I stopped thinking of myself as a failure for not wanting the dream that you wanted for me.  I am relieved that I no longer have to provide anyone else with unearned status and legitimacy.    

"You've changed."

Of course I have changed.  We all should change.  Nobody should remain in the same station in life as they were at 17, 23, or 29.  We should all want more, want better, make adjustments, correct errors, build upon life.  You will not keep me down on your level by stifling and criticizing my personal growth.

"You've changed."

No, I have not changed.... I have evolved.

My UPDATED Dating Personality

A few years ago, I took the highly entertaining, yet eerily accurate, OK Cupid Dating Persona Test, consisting of 32 "dating types" possible (16 male and 16 female) based on a 4 factor combination (Random vs. Deliberate, Gentle vs. Brutal, Sex vs. Love, Master vs. Dreamer). My result back then: The Playstation (Random Gentle Sex Master).  Admittedly, I was simultaneously in a very bad, but very fun, place. My overarching mentality was "fuckit". And my dating personality definitely reflected that.

Fast forward three years. I decided to take the Dating Personality Test again to see just where I am now. And the results are...... *drumroll please*

The Peach

Random Gentle Love Master (RGLM)

"Playful, kind, and well-loved, you are The Peach.

For such a warm-hearted, generous person, you’re surprisingly experienced in both love and sex. We credit your spontaneous side; you tend to live in the moment, and you don’t get bogged down by inhibitions like most women your age. If you see something wonderful, you confidently embrace it.
You are a fun flirt and an instant sweetheart, but our guess is you’re becoming more selective about long-term love. It’s getting tougher for you to become permanently attached; and a guy who’s in a different place emotionally might misunderstand your early enthusiasm. You can wreck someone simply by enjoying him.
Your ideal mate is adventurous and giving, like you. But not overly intense."





Your exact female opposite:
The Nymph - Deliberate Brutal Sex Dreamer

Consider:
The Loverboy (RGLM)
The Playboy (RGSM)
The Boy Next Door (RGLD)

Always Avoid:
The False Messiah (DBLM)

I am pretty pleased with the result.  I went from a Random Gentle Sex Master to Random Gentle Love Master.  I know that I have evolved over the years, but I was somewhat worried that I had changed way too much, gone "soft."  Apparently, not so.  I am still the same fun-loving, spontaneous, free-spirited person, but with one very important change:  "you’re becoming more selective about long-term love."  Being a Playstation was fun, life as a Peach is much, much more satisfying.

EBS Mid-Week Edition: Little Girl Lost

I was going through some old draft blog posts that didn't get posted for one reason or another.... didn't finish them, thought better not to post them, or the topics just didn't pan out the way I wanted. Some of these posts I'd imported from my original MySpace blog, and while I have posted a few (see Pre-Divorce) there are still a few collecting dust.

I came across this one that I wrote over 2 years ago, not too long after I'd separated and just 4 days before this happened..... yes, it was a bad time for me. But sadly, as I re-read this, for a second I thought it was something I'd written recently and forgotten about (yes, my memory is that bad) until I saw the words "my marriage". Swap out the word "marriage" for "relationship" (and a few other little tweaks) and I could have written this post 2 hours ago.

*le sigh*

I've been through so much, changed so much, experienced so much...... but it seems like everything is still just the same. Movement without progress. I'm trying to be patient and be like Santiago in The Alchemist and not let a seemly long term set back cause me to give up, but damn...... I just want to at least find the right road..... or hell, ANY road. The wilderness is getting cold and lonely.......

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

(originally written July 11, 2007)

"Oooooh, heeeeey..... I'm trying to decide..... which way to go..... I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere......." [Erykah Badu, Didn't Cha Know]

I don't read maps well.... even the Mapquest turn-by-turn directions must be consulted multiple times to make sure I'm understanding my next move just right. So it goes with my life as well..... I though I was going in the right direction, even when I had to make detours, but I'm looking around and I think I'm in the wrong place. I'm not quite sure if I'm in the wrong destination altogether and I didn't follow the directions EXACTLY as they were stated, or that this is the place my path lead to and it's not as glamorous and shiny as the brochure made it out to be. I suspect it's probably the latter.

Right now I am completely, totally, and utterly LOST. I don't know where I'm going with my career, I don't know where I'm going with my marriage, I don't know where I'm going with my identity, I don't know where I'm going with my living situation..... I'm just a little girl lost and bewildered. And I'm not even sure where to start making progress toward a path that I want to be on, or which path that even is. All I know is that HERE sucks, and HERE is not where I want to be. However, I've been off work almost 2 months now, and I'm no closer to sanity and sorting things out than I was back in May.

Another thing that makes me feel lost is the fact that my family, from what I hear, is pissed and disappointed in me, and I don't feel like they're being the safety net I need while I'm falling down. While most people turn to their moms when life is being mean, I feel like I can't because all that will happen is that SHE will start crying and telling me about how much her life sucks. While that's too bad, I really need someone to lean on and guide me..... I shouldn't be dishing out the advice as well. Hell, what the fuck do I know??

I know that I'm not purely a victim of circumstance.... I've put myself in some fucked up situations, so I'm not sitting here crying "Why me??" I also know that I have many opportunities and options at my fingertips, while many don't. But when I have TOO many choices, or one of those choices looks too foreign to what I'm used to, I get paralyzed and can't make a decision. But I feel like, for the most part, I've done the "right thing" that was supposed to lead me to success and happiness, and right now it's anything but such.

So.... now I gotta find out where I want to be and how I'm gonna get there, and I feel like I'm a LONG way away from wherever that is. I feel like there's a serious disconnect between my personality and interests and where I'm at in my career and marriage and everything else. My life is ill fitting right now. Gotta figure out where I belong.

The Meaning of Michael: Deeper Than Philosophy

"Beethoven says that music is deeper than philosophy..... because in the end we're finite creatures. We don't have a language, or even a linguistic eloquence, that can begin to be fully truthful to the experiences that we have the short time we are here in time and space. So therefore you need some sounds.....even some noise. Organized noise. We need silence between the notes and the sounds that get at the deeper truths of who we are....." ~ Dr. Cornel West

(click to listen and download)

It is my utter joy and privilege share with you the best Michael Jackson tribute mix ever, created by my dear friend and favorite DJ, DJ Limelight. Yes, I know MJ died back in June, and it is now September, after all of the frenzy around his death has begun to wane, so it would seem that this is coming a little.... late. Not so. At ALL. Michael Jackson's musical career spanned 45 years.... most artists are lucky to get 4.5 months of success, let alone almost half a century. So to rush to throw together a Michael Jackson tribute mix a week or two after he died would not have done this great artist justice. DJ Limelight has literally been working on creating and perfecting his self-professed "magnum opus" since MJ died in June.... and it shows.

With that said, this is not your typical assemblage of Michael Jackson's music that you hear at wedding receptions, class reunions, and your local dive bar. Don't look for Beat It, Bad, Billie Jean, or Thriller..... they're not here. As the title implies, this is the true meaning of Michael Jackson in the eyes (and ears) of DJ Limelight, AND in the hearts of anyone who is truly a Michael Jackson fan. It's a timeless piece that transcends generations.... I made copies for my parents AND my 10 year old daughter. It doesn't just make you dance, it makes you feel.

But wait, there's more..... aside from the insanely creative butter smooth transitions between songs that just give you chills (or make you fall out on the floor like my homegirl over at Kunta Fly Shyt did when we were given a sneak preview of the final mix), the rare and unreleased MJ tracks (what ya know about that PYT Demo??), one of my favorite things about this mix is the commentary from scholars, comedians and artists interspersed and woven seamlessly in with the music that really touches on Michael Jackson's impact and genius as an artist and entertainer, and each comment is tied into the song that comes after it. There are several clips from scholar Dr. Cornel West from an interview with Tavis Smiley and Dr. Michael Eric Dyson that are just pure genius.... one of my favorite parts of the mix comes at 38:38, beginning with this quote from Dr. West:

"I think the important thing to understand first and foremost about Michael Jackson is that he was the international emblem of the African American blues spiritual impulse that goes back through slavery - Jim Crow, Jane Crow, up to the present moment, through a Louis Armstrong, through a Ma Rainey, through a Bessie Smith, all the way to John Coltrane, Aretha Franklin and Nina Simone. Michael Jackson was part of that tremendous wave....."

(Listen to and read the entire interview HERE, and you'll have to listen to the mix to hear why I run around and start screaming when I hear it)

I mean, what other DJs out there are doing this? Analyzing and commenting on the philosophical and sociological impact of Michael Jackson while at the same time giving you music that just makes you feel GOOD. I have been listening to this non-stop for the past 3 days since it was released, and I still can't get enough of it. Sheer brilliance..... both Michael Jackson and DJ Limelight.

So listen to it.... download it.... share it.... love it.

Maybe.....

Zen Koan titled “Maybe”.

(A Koan is a story, dialogue, question, or statement in the history and lore of Zen Buddhism.)

A farmer’s horse ran away. His neighbors gathered upon hearing the news and said sympathetically, “That’s such bad luck.”

“Maybe,” the farmer replied.

The horse returned on his own the next morning, and brought seven wild horses with it. “Look how many more horses you have now,” the neighbors exclaimed. “How lucky!”

“Maybe,” the farmer replied.

The next day, the farmer’s son attempted to ride one of the wild horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. “How awful,” the neighbors said. “It looks like your luck has turned for the worse again.”

The farmer simply replied, “Maybe.”

The following day, military officers came to town to conscript young men into the service. Seeing the son’s broken leg, they rejected him. The neighbors gathered round the farmer to tell him how fortunate he was.

“Maybe,” said the farmer.

****************

This koan is a perfect illustration of my attitude toward life that has gotten me through everything of the past few years.... my divorce, my job change, and all the upheaval in between. When you're going through a divorce -- or any major life change for that matter -- it's easy to feel like everything is going wrong, you life is destructing before your eyes, and it's tempting to view every setback as the worst thing that could possibly happen.

The reality is that we never know what life has in store for us next, and what events in life are setting us up for the next good (or bad) thing. I can't even describe all of the positive things that have arisen from the negatives in my life over the past 2 years..... people I've met, relationships I've formed, experiences that I've had, opportunities that have arisen. It's important to open up your heart and your mind to the possibilities of life.... THAT is what will help get you through the hard times. So the next time something seemingly bad happens and you're thinking that your life has just taken a turn for the very worse, just stop and think...... maybe.

Predictions of Change: Part Deux

There been times that I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will.

~Sam Cooke, "A Change is Gonna Come"

I quoted this song lyric in a blog post I wrote back on Wednesday, April 25th, 2007 in my old MySpace blog (and later republished on AID under "Predictions of Change (kind of eerie)") no less than 3 DAYS before the excrement hit the air conditioning and it was curtains for my marriage. I go back and read that and it kind of creeps me out.....Intuition is a powerful, powerful thing, loved ones.

Back in April 2007, I didn't know WHAT was coming. I didn't know in 3 days I'd be separated and on the road toward divorce; I didn't know that my career would take a serious nosedive (though I'm not going to say it ever crashed.... just was in a low altitude holding pattern for awhile) and in 8 month I would no longer be employed full time, didn't know I'd get to the point where I had to pawn old jewelry for gas money, and all the other bad things that I've recounted in this blog.

But here are other things that I didn't know were coming as well..... I didn't know I would meet such great people who have helped me get through everything and have held me down when I needed it most..... sometimes financially, but mostly emotionally. I didn't know that after hitting rock bottom, I'd emerge from the wreckage with the tools I needed to change my outlook on life. I didn't know that I would radically change my coping skills and become a much more positive and patient person. I didn't know that I would learn that I don't need as much stuff as I think and that I'd realize how much wasteful spending I was doing. I didn't know I would realize how to stand on my own two feet.

Well, a change for the better is finally coming, loved ones. I met with my future boss to talk details about the position at the firm that I will be working at starting in January. I'd just come from my $10/hr temp job feeling really beat down and loser-ish. I'd been talking to the folks at this firm since June... yes, JUNE.... about a position with them, but there had never been any talk about how much I would make there. I had mentally prepared myself for a serious pay cut since I was coming from a firm of 250+ attorneys and would be going to one of less than 10.

So I sit down and we exchange pleasantries, and then he puts the numbers out on the table. The best way to describe my reaction would be that it was very similar to what happens when a program stops responding in Windows Vista, and the screen kind of grays out a little and the "Not Responding" message comes up..... yea, that's what happened to me for about 30 seconds as he continued to talk. I'm not going to put all my business out there like that, but let's just say it is a SIGNIFICANT increase from what I was making at my old firm (like an 18% increase). And not only that, but my billable hour requirement will be LESS than what it was at my old firm. And not only that, but the firm is minority owned (but still diverse). And best of all, I really do feel like I'm going to be at a place where my contributions and intellect will be respected and appreciated.

I always say that everything happens for a reason and everything in the universe works out the way it is supposed to, and I'm so happy to see my mantra in action. Exactly a year ago I decided to leave my big firm, six figure job and step out on faith and a whim, because I knew I needed some change. This past year has been filled with ups and downs (mostly downs), stops and starts, lots of closed doors and false hopes. Yes, the negative things did upset me, but I never let them bring me all the way down because I knew that things would work out the way they are supposed to. Every time I got a "thanks but no thanks" letter, or no call back, or no response, I'd say a prayer: "God, please place me where I need to be." And when I'd get those rejections, I'd think "That must not be where I was supposed to be."

I'm not an overly religious person..... in fact, me and organized religion are quite at odds with each other. But I am a spiritual person who believes in God, and I believe that God is everywhere and in everything nudging and influencing the moving parts of life. One of my favorite books that truly had an impact on how I view life is Paul Coelho's "The Alchemist", and the main premise of the book is that the Universe consipires to help us reach our destiny (please read it, loved ones). This past year has really taught me to be patient and let God move those pieces, even when I couldn't see them moving. I'm just in awe sometimes when I think about how everyting fits and flows together, things you wouldn't even think have an impact, not only in your life but in others' lives. It's really too much to go into here, but just know that everything-- good and bad-- truly does happen for a reason, even if you don't see that reason for years to come, and maybe not even in your own life. But it all works out the way it is supposed to, loved ones.... it truly does.

It may not be right, but it's real

"Cause to me, it's, there's nothing that's personal and private, it's all universal. There's no experience that I have ever had that's unique. And the fact that there is just certain stuff that we share but don't admit to and don't talk about. You know, what is that about?”
~Ani Difranco

I talk about a lot of scandalous controversial topics here on my blog. And I try my best to keep it 95.7% real (as I promised, the good, the bad and the ugly). My goal is to share my experiences so that maybe someone else out there can learn from my mistakes or just see that they are not alone out there when it comes to topics that most people don't have the courage to talk about.

I'm really getting weary with folks out here in the blogosphere with holier-than-thou attitudes who act like they have this life thing all figured out (in their mid-20's no less....GTFOHWTBS), and sit parked behind their laptops in the safety of anonymity spitting out their unseasoned advice to the rest of the world wide interweb. I know.... that's just people. But life is a lot simpler when you're not the one living it.

I try not to take that approach to people and their life situations. We all fuck up. We all do dumb things. And sometimes it is just helpful for one person to say to you "You know what, I've been there, too" just to make you feel a little less lonely so you have the courage take off that cloak of shame and make some life changes. Empathy is NOT the same as condoning. Let me stress that again in other terms: Just because I can see your perspective doesn't mean I'm cosigning on it, and just because I've been through it myself doesn't mean I think it's justified or right. The difference between me and these other self-righteous judgmental boobs folks is that I'll admit that I fucked up, that I'm human, and that we all have the potential to fuck up. I'm not saying it's right, I'm not saying it's ok, but I'm just saying that it just IS.

I don't have all the answers.... I don't pretend to have all the answers. All I have is what I've been through and what I've learned, and I'm willing to share what I've learned. There are enough people and things in this world to make us feel bad about ourselves.... I'm just saying that I've decided that I'm not going to be one of them.

"I have learned throughout my life as a composer chiefly through my mistakes and pursuits of false assumptions, not by my exposure to founts of wisdom and knowledge."
-- Igor Stravinsky

Forgiveness: A relationship with time

The act of forgiveness is the act of returning to present time.
And that's why when one has become a forgiving person,
and has managed to let go of the past,
what they've really done is they've shifted their relationship with time.

~ Caroline Myss ~

I once heard forgiveness defined as the letting to of the desire to see another person suffer. When someone has wronged us, we naturally want them to pay for what they have done.... some retribution of sorts. The inability to forgive, however, is desiring to see that person pay that retribution over, and over, and over again. Until we completely let go of that desire, we have not truly forgiven. This is one of the most difficult feats of humanity, and even harder than forgiving others is the act of forgiving one's self.

I did something to hurt someone that I really care about (and no, for once I DON'T want to discuss it). We've discussed it a few times and I always remind him that I'm sorry for what happened, but can't go back and change the past and bottom line that there's nothing I can do or say about it to make it better and that all I can do is move forward. I think this has been misinterpreted as a lack of remorse or some sort of after the fact justification..... not at all. I am really sorry about the situation, and I am saddened by how it changed things, but I've also accepted that I must live in the present and I must forgive myself. I can't continue to beat myself up over something I cannot change.

Living in the past and wishing you could go back and change things is pointless. Conversely, wishing another person can go back and change what they did is pointless, too. What you can change and control, however, is how you deal with the present moment. Forgiveness is a matter of not focusing on the past, but instead focusing on the present and the future.... a shift in a relationship with time. And true forgiveness is not reverting back to the past period.... you can't say you forgive a person and be okay with them 90% of the time, but have that 10% constantly hanging over their head. That 10% still leeches into the fibers of the relationship and taints it, and ultimately destroys it.

I know this is a challenge, loved ones, but think about someone who has wronged you and make an effort to let go of the hurt, bitterness, and desire for emotional retribution. Or better yet, think of something that YOU have done to hurt someone else that you are beating yourself up over, and make efforts to accept that what is done is done and forgive yourself.

Unforgiveness is the poison you drink every day
hoping that the other person will die.

~ Debbie Ford ~

Emotional Baggage Sundays

Lemme go ahead and get this out real quick......

1. I'm starting to get really worried about my mother.... I thought she would be out of the hospital by this weekend, but I haven't heard any indication of when they're going transfer out of the ICU, let alone let her go home. She's been there for 2 full weeks now. Now they're trying to figure out why she's having a hard time eating. Seems like they're having to treat everything but the original condition she went in for. She just hasn't been taking care of herself (though I'm not one to talk.... just took my blood pressure in the mall today and it was 155/110). This time of year is especially hard on my mother (see below), which makes me worry about her more with her coming home right at holiday time. I also know I'm going to have to figure out the best way to arrange their house so that she doesn't have to go up and down the stairs because my dad's sense of logic seems to be waning over the years, and they will undoubtedly end up arguing over whether it's best to have her posted up upstairs or downstairs. I'm still worried that regardless of how we set it up, she'll disregard doctor's orders and overdo it anyway. *sigh*

2. I'm hoping Mom will be out by Thanksgiving, but Thanksgiving is going to suck regardless because there's nobody here but us (my parents, me and my kids), and she certainly is going to be in no condition to cook. My sister says she can't come for Thanksgiving because she needs to stay home and clean her house and go grocery shopping. *pause* Anyway, I think I'm going to just make a small meal myself with just the basics: turkey breast (not a whole turkey), greens, sweet potatoes, mac 'n cheese and dressing, and of course my famous sweet potato pie (ok, famous amongst my family members anyway). I actually enjoy cooking when I want to. Or perhaps we'll just end up going out to dinner (though I don't like the prospect of no leftovers). Guess I'll just make the best of it.

3. Today is the anniversary of both my grandfathers' deaths. By some terribly sick and bizarre coincidence, they both died on my dad's birthday a few years apart. I don't know why, but I've always felt like my Grandpa David represents ultimate unconditional love for me. I miss ice cream cones from McDonalds and being called his doodlebug.

4. As I mentioned, today is my dad's 60th birthday, and I'm sad because I'm too broke to do anything special. My mother wants to get him a turntable that converts vinyl records to MP3s, which is one of those things that I should be able to just go out and buy myself. I can't even go in on it, being that I'm having to borrow money from them (again) to get me by til I get paid from my contract job next month. My mom's 61st birthday was last week and I wasn't able to do anything special for her, either. In my mind I'd pictured doing real birthday parties for the both of them when they turned 60.

5. I know things are going to turn around after the first of the year, but right now I'm broke as......!!! And the more holiday ads I see, the more anxious it makes me. I should be ok by mid-December when some of my invoices get paid, but til then I'm kinda quite hurt.

That's not all, but that is all. On to proceed with the business of living, loved ones.

Divine in '09

So it looks like starting in January 2009 I will be resuming "normal" life.... yes, I WILL HAVE A JOB!! *does happy dance* After a year of worrying and uncertainty with my career, I got a job offer to work at a very progressive minority-owned firm that is growing by leaps and bounds. I'm VERY excited about the opportunities and have a very good feeling about the people and the work environment. I'm still awaiting the formal offer letter and have to sort out all the details (i.e. $$$), but I'm confident that things will work out and everything will be just fine *knock on wood*

So, I've come up with a "to do" list of things I want to do to get back up to speed and back on track once I have some regular income:

1. Pay back everyone to whom I owe money (it's just my parents and 1 friend, but still....)

2. Set up plans to pay down on all my debt and try to avoid filing bankruptcy.

3. Get all bills on automatic bill pay (INCLUDING my student loan).

4. Re-up the sexy of my Civic by repairing the front end and getting it detailed (it's too new to be looking like it does right now).

5. Buy some real bedroom furniture (tired of looking like I live in a dorm).

6. Convert Daughter's bedroom into an office/guest room.... including a desk, files, and a laptop. Son is never here, and when he is they both share "his" room anyway (which Daughter has taken over already). I've basically been paying for an extra bedroom for the baby turtle. I want my original image of how I wanted my home office to be, complete with relocating my ball python into it, a big Bettie Page poster, and a mini disco ball.

7. Clean out my closet and replenish my business/business causal wardrobe (a few trips to NY&Co. should do the trick).

8. Buy a new couch (mine is cute, but totally impractical for relaxing).

9. Put Daughter back in dance classes.

10. Get Pandora the Explorer (my ball python) a new tank set up (in the new office).

11. Set up Casey the Turtle's tank properly, complete with a filter, substrate, and a background.

12. Get carpets cleaned.

13. Start going to my locitican regularly (at least every 3 months).

14. Step up my shoe and hosiery game.

15. Start traveling more to visit friends (though with my mom's ability to go back to work for the airline being up in the air, this might be limited.... still, with the price of gas going down, I'm sure I can do a little road tripping).

16. Get both of my last 2 tattoos finished. My orchid tat actually needs about 1 more hour of work, and my dharmachakra between my shoulder blades needs..... something.... so people will quit asking me "What's up with the ship wheel?" (and my friend will stop calling me Captain Jack Sparrow). Definitely some color, and maybe adding something so that it goes from looking like THIS to something that that looks like this:

(actually, that's exactly what I want..... glad I found that hiding on my computer)

And overall, I just want to MANGE MY MONEY BETTER!!! I really think God put me through all this struggle the past year as a lesson, and I've learned that I don't need as much stuff as I thought (there will be WAY fewer impulse purchases, even off the clearance rack at Target) and that it's possible to "make it" off a lot less. I needed this "season" of my life to purge and rebuild..... the forest fire so that new life can spring forth.

2009 is my year, loved ones.... time to start living.

And the daddy tomato said "ketchup"

I've had a lot of things on my mind, loved ones, and haven't had much time to sit down and write written anything lately, so I just wanted to do a quick rundown of the happenings as of late, and maybe I'll come back and expound upon some of them in a true post:

1. My mother has been in the coronary ICU for the past week with a tear in the lining of her aorta. Yes, it is as painful as it sounds. I'm extremely worried about her recovery because the tear was caused by sustained high blood pressure (she jokes that she had a "blow out"). Problem is that she stays so angry all the time! And this anger is usually directed toward my dad, who is not a bad guy in the least bit, yet she still finds fault with everything he does and every way he chooses to do it. Yes, he's a bit of a weirdo at times (more so as he gets older) but nothing outright malicious. I've talked about this before, but I just don't understand the utility of staying married for 30+ years when it is literally killing you. I'm sure this is a topic I'll come back to later......

2. My sisters came to visit this weekend (because of Mom) and brought their kids.... my oldest sister (soon to be 39) has a 4 year old daughter and my next oldest sister (33) has two boys, ages 3 years and 4 months (yes, I am the baby sis at 30, and I have the freshman and 4th grader..... *shrug* ish happens). For some reason, everyone but my oldest sister ended up staying in my 1400 sq. ft. apartment instead of my parents' 3000+ sq. ft. house (I think because I have better beds, and my niece and nephew are CRAZY about their older cousins). By the end of the weekend I was a little frazzled, but I enjoyed playing with the baby (maybe I'll rethink the "no more kids" stance.... hey, I'm only 30). They actually met my "boyfriend" (is that what we're calling him? That's what my sister called him, so we'll roll with it) briefly and were cool about it. Though they did make growling noises and claw motions at me, calling me a cougar. Hey, it's only a 2.5 year age difference, and he's still older than our "little" brother.... even if it is only by a few weeks..... Anyway, I had to sneak out my own apartment to go visit him Saturday night, but I didn't stay long because all I could think about was walking back through my door and seeing my deacon brother-in-law sitting up in the living room with the baby or some ish like that. I'm still the little sister, so I still hold on to some older sibling fear.

3. [I wish there were a corollary to the term "lady friend" for males, because I like that phrase. "Gentleman caller" sounds like a serial killer and/or john. So let's just say....] My dude invited me to his company holiday dinner. *cheesing hard* I told my BFFs that I don't really regard this as a "major" step, but rather a material one. I won't go into the lawyer nerd lingo distinction between "major" and "material" here (it's a quantity vs. quality thing), but I will just say that it's something important to me. So now for the next month I will obsess over what I should wear (what "look" I should go for, since I'm quite multi-faceted), attempt to "tighten up" the physique, and will probably be motivated to make that appointment with my loctician that I've been putting off for 2 years way too long, since he and one other guy in the office are the only ones bringing "dates" and everyone else is in longer term relationships. I gotta put my best foot forward to make him look good. Fortunately, I clean up well.

4. I've been kickin it with my beau (I like that one) for almost 6 months now. Man how time flies. We've come quite a ways from our first...uh...."date". Perhaps we ought to go have some Grateful Deads in a few weeks to celebrate. *rolls on floor laughing* I really like the ease and laid back nature of things and how we can still each have our own things but still have our time together. And there has been no violent opposition from our respective kids....I was really just worried about my Son, because 7 and 9 year olds like everyone. But I think its also because we maintain a good balance with the boundaries (like, for example, I haven't moved my kids into a new person's house... but I digress).

Well, that's the rundown for now. I'll have more material for your reading pleasure in a few, loved ones.

Emotional Baggage..... Fridays??

It's Halloween, which is my favorite holiday of the year, and I have much tomfoolery planned for later, but I just had to woo-sah this out real quick and get it out the way so I can go on with the mayhem of the day.......

There are people who come into your life for a limited time and a limited purpose, and once that purpose is served it's time to go. Can't hold on to it or it turns nasty and ugly and negative....

("I know if I pick up this phone, write this letter send this two way........I know I'm gonna say some things, I know you gonna say some things.......That we both don't mean to say.......")

Just because it was [seemingly] great then, doesn't mean that it's great now, but you respect and acknowledge what it was (AND what it WASN'T), make peace with it, and move on.

This song popped into my head this morning..... actually the last line of the song popped into my head this morning and I had to go look it up to remember what the rest of it said.... and the rest of it is pretty on point, too, as Jill usually is. Anyway, that last key line made me a little sad, but also gave me a little peace and Radical Acceptance of What Is:

But the reality honestly...you where never good for me, and I was never good for you.
I just remember what we used to do....

I so love Jill.



I was just thinking about you
Wondering if you wear the same cologne
Smelled good
On you
Had the next boyfriend of mine try the same kind
But it stunk on him though.
You know what they say... everything ain't for everybody.
But I tried anyway.
You sure did smell good.

[Chorus:]
You just running cross my mind
[x4]

You had that masculine thing DOWN
Shoulders, back straight... never slumping... never round
It would turn me on just to see you walk
Into a room, across the room, out of the room.
You really impressed me.
Eh yeah

[Chorus:]
You just running cross my mind
[x4]

I know if I pick up this phone, write this letter, send this two way,
I know I'm gonna say some things, I know you gonna say some things
That we both don't mean to say
Like...how amazing...how amazing...
When you would spread my limbs cross continents
Bump our bed way over mountains.
Kiss this and this and this and this and this and this
and this and this and this and this and this and that.
Show each other where the climax is at.

You just running cross my mind
[x3]
I was just thinking about you, wondering what you doing, I mean what you've been up to
I know its wrong feeling this strong
Let me take a second minute I will think this thing through

I was just thinking about you, wondering what you doing I mean what you've been up to
I know its wrong feeling this strong
Let me take a second minute I will think this thing through

Remember all the moments for two, how we used to
Oh yeah
But the reality honestly...you were never good for me and I was never good for you.
I just remember what we used to do....

Emotional Baggage Sundays, Part Deux - Waiting.....

Sometimes I feel the need to backtrack and explain some of my cryptic, ambiguous posts (usually appearing on Emotional Baggage Sundays) so that folk don't get the wrong idea about who or what I'm talking about, which is really the whole point of being ambiguous......

Anyway, "All I Gotta Do" is a poem about patience and waiting. This poem spoke to me this week for a number of reasons, not just one particular situation going on in my life right now ("baggage" usually doesn't just contain one thing). Generally though, I'm just waiting on things to change, to get better. I'm waiting on a break from this stress, this uncertainty that is dogging my career path. I'm waiting on some relief from this financial strain (though they assure me the "check is in the mail"), waiting on the calls to stop, waiting until I can go back to my normal lifestyle (albeit with a few adjustments). I'm waiting until I can fully get adjusted to being divorced, waiting until I don't let him get to me anymore with his hurtful words and hit and miss willingness to cooperate. I'm waiting for a break from the confusion and uncertainty in my dating life, waiting until things transfer from limbo to more solid ground. I'm waiting for heartache over what simultaneously was yet never could be to subside, waiting for full,radical acceptance of What Is. Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting.......

But I still have faith that this waiting is not in vain, that the answers will come to me, that I will finally get my break. Because I'm a woman, and that's what we are good at.... patience, holding it together, holding things down in the meantime in between time. Even still, though, it doesn't make the pain of the wait go away.

Smiling behind the clouds

I admit..... I am a recovering pessimist:

Main Entry:	pessimist
Part of Speech:	noun
Definition:	A prophet of misfortune or disaster.
Synonyms:	Cassandra, doomsayer, worrywart

See?? It's right there. I really can't help it.

And often I use my blogs as an outlet for my frustrations, which I realize makes me seem like an overly negative and downright miserable person. Not so. Well, not so much anymore (remember, I said "recovering"). The transformation in my way of thinking about the world has been RADICAL over the past year and a half. This becomes extremely apparent now when I talk with my friends, most of which I know from law school, which lends to a more pessimistic attitude (because pessimists are more successful than optimists in law school.... it's a fact). We have a tendency to catastrophize, be an all-or-nothing thinker, "should on" ourselves, and overgeneralize......all those forms of distorted thinking, and I would be the Grand Poobah at the pity party. Now I try and tell my friends to calm down, not worry, change their way of viewing a situation, and all those good things that Zen teaches us (or me, anyway..... I don't know about you), and sometimes it even bothers me because the distortions are so glaringly obvious. But, old habits die hard, and days weeks like today this week I feel that old "woe is me" feeling starting to creep over me like kudzu in Georgia and I start thinking of illegal creative ways to score some Wellbutrin.

WELL NOT TODAY DAMMIT!!!

I'm going to go through everything that's bothering me (ok, so just a few things) and find its positive spin. Even if it kills me. Ok, not really, but in the hyperbolic sense.

1. I'm lonely.

Well, duh, you just kicked your mate of damn near 15 years to the curb and it's kind of hard to get back up to speed after that. But more importantly, speed isn't necessary. This is a time where I need to take advantage of something I've never had...... Me Time. And not Me Time in the sense of having time to myself to chill or do something fun (because I have more of that now, actually, with having to share custody of the kids), but in the sense of figuring out who I am and what I want without any interference from someone with their own agenda for me. I need to seize this opportunity to heal myself, because divorce is emotionally destructive like Hurricane Gustav, and it takes time to clean up the wreckage. You can't just run in and start slapping up structures on top of the wreckage..... you have to clean up first, THEN rebuild. Likewise, I shouldn't worry about throwing a new relationship on top of my emotional clean-up project (because if you assume (like my Ex) that divorce doesn't hurt the protagonist of separation, too, you are dead freaking wrong). I just need to remember that this is a process, and to be grateful that I have the time to go through the process...... I don't feel the pressure to rush into a new relationship because of a biological clock, or the need for financial support (eventually.... I'll get to that). There's no panic, there's no rush. *woo sah*

2. I'm broke and working a menial job.

I started my temp job this week, and yes, it sucks badly, more so emotionally and egotistically than anything......I make less in a day than I could potentially earn in an hour, but those goodie good hours are few and far between working as half-hearted solo practitioner who would much rather have an office that isn't parked in front of the TV. Ok, so it doesn't suck THAT bad..... it's laid back, people are cool, I don't have to dress up, it's mindless, and I can sit and listen to my most favoritest DJ's mixes on my iPod (if he would ever get me my CD!! *points finger menacingly*). I suppose it could be worse. But beyond that, this experience is teaching me humility and that there are a lot of things I can go without. I don't have to go buy a new shirt or dress (even from the clearance rack at Target) every time I want to go out to an event somewhere. I don't need the eyeshadow beckoning to me from the end cap display at the store. Pre-gaming with Oliver Wines is a good thing..... or even better still, no need to get shitfaced have several drinks when I go out. I'm more conscious of where and how often I drive, I pay more attention to prices in the grocery store..... all of those things I didn't do when I did have the six-figure gig, but which I should have been doing. Now I know better. As my ex-work spouse says "That'll learn ya."

But most importantly, it is forcing me to accept that a job does not define who I am and what my worth is. So much of my identity came from being the Big Firm attorney..... but that is what I DID, not who I AM. I am a mother, I am a friend, I am a lover; I support people I care about; I love music, I love books, I love writing, I love nature; I am spiritual, I am caring..... none of those things have anything to do with where I spend 8+ hours a day making a living or how much money I make doing it or whose ass I had to kiss to get there or how many people I have kissing mine. I think I had to lose all that to appreciate those things about me that were being suffocated and stifled by being defined by my career. I'm struggling now, but I know I will come out of this having changed for the better (and still with a cum laude law degree, dammit), and will appreciate my paycheck just a little bit more, and will keep it more in perspective.

3. I'm heartbroken.

This is the 8000 lb elephant in the room that keeps kicking shit over, and I keep picking things up and gluing them back together like nothing happened, but I'm ending up with a lot of broken shit everywhere so I think it's time to address the offending pachyderm. I have got to remember that everything happens for a reason, and things work out the way they are SUPPOSED TO. I keep having to tell myself "be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it".......though I've seriously given up hope of ever getting it (although, stranger things in life have happened). I have to keep reminding myself that the reasons why our relationship could not work are the same qualities that would probably ultimately destroy it in the end anyway (again, so I must tell myself, but who knows, who knows.....). Some people come into your life for a reason, and I have to make myself believe that he fulfilled that reason, and now it is time to let go and move on.... and I mean truly move on mentally and emotionally. And this goes back to my earlier discussion about cleaning up the emotional wreckage...... if my divorce was Hurricane Gustav, this was the tornado that came along in the aftermath. But this was truly a life learning experience for me..... I'd never experienced heartbreak. I'm now weathering something I should have dealt with a few times over by this point in my life. I'm learning how to let go without turning to hate (like my Ex has). At times it has been hard not to turn my feelings to bitterness and hatefulness (and subsequent hateful behavior..... not cool), which is the quick and dirty method of dealing with heartbreak. I feel like I will eventually be a better person for walking away and moving on while still maintaining a level loving kindness (i.e. "love without attachment".... again, a Zen thing) for him, which is that level of caring that makes me not turn to a scorched earth policy and make his life a living hell (which is hard to resist since it keeps getting done to me by my Ex, so there's a tendency to pay that bullshit forward, but BECAUSE I know personally how shitty that is, I won't/can't do it). This shit sucks now, but I know it won't be forever, no matter how that works out..... and it will work out how it is supposed to with no intervention from me. *sits on hands*

*************

Ok, so that wasn't 100% positive, but it's a recovering pessimist's positive, and my own dark humor version of positive. I just don't have it in me to be happy-go-lucky. But this is me. And I'm happy to be who and how I am. Don't let the gloom and doom fool ya..... I'm still smiling behind the clouds.

Realizations in You Life (My Mantras)

Over the past year I have really transformed my thinking and attitude as a way to cope with all of the upheaval and turmoil in my life. I'm sure I've used this quote before, but it bears repeating: “Sometimes God calms the storm, sometimes He calms the sailor.” The storm is not over, that's for sure, but what is over is my frenzied response to everything going on in my life. In 2005 I received a fortune cookie that said "You will come to realizations in you life that will change you forever." I held onto that fortune not only because the glaring typographical error tickled me, but it also spoke to me. Now, 3 years later, I realize that cookie was abso-fucking-lutely right.

So, below are some of my "mantras" (or my realizations) that I use to get through everyday life. No, I don't sit around chanting om mani padme hum or anything like that (tho that is a good one if you are into chanting and meditation.... I actually a Chenrezig/Guayin necklace that I can't seem to find anywhere), but rather these are some real life practical ones that are suited to how my brain works. So there you go......

1. Everything works out the way it is supposed to.

This is a variation on "everything happens for a reason"..... for some reason, I just don't like that phrase, I think because it makes you search for a reason that may not be readily apparent. This concept also helps me accept that even though things may not turn out the way I WANT them to, this is the way it's supposed to be, and there's an underlying reason for it that I may or may not ever become aware of, or may become aware of years from now, and I just have to accept that. In the end, in the grand scheme of things, everything will be okay.

2. It will get done.

I developed this one in law school (and prior to the whole "git er done" thing came about), where we had 50-100 page reading assignments (that's per day, per class), oodles of cases to brief for class discussion, and a 50+ page article I had to write for law review, all while battling the most hellacious depression and general state of brokeassededness ever. This then carried over when I started working at The Firm where I started eating dinner more at work than I did at home (but at least they fed us good..... we had dinner delivered from downtown restaurants). I developed the mentality that not getting something done was just not an option. (Actually, I have to backtrack and say this mentality started in undergrad when I had my CORE business classes and we had the huge mega group project that spanned 3 classes and was a requirement for graduation.) There was just no sense in getting all freaked out over everything I had/have to do, because it has to get done. And it will get done. And then I can breathe.

3. Let it go.

This is a HUGE one that I discovered the importance of through my reading about Zen, and is a key priniciple of Zen philosophy. It's based on the idea that pain in life is unavoidable, but suffering is. And suffering arises from attachment. When you hold on to painful feelings and thoughts, that's what causes you to suffer. Let those go, and the suffering associated with that pain ceases. And if Eastern religions and philosophies aren't your thing, it's basically the Cliff Notes version of the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Part of letting go is acceptance of things the way they are and letting go of the wish that they were different and the frantic, futile attempts to change them (when we have no control over the situation, that is). It's letting to of that desire to control everything.

4. 5 years from now, none of this will matter.

When things seem at their bleakest, their most arduous, and everything seems like I disaster, I stop and think that whatever I'm going through now, I won't be going through forever. Five years is really an arbitrary time period, but one that holds true...... think about something that was keeping you awake at night 5 years ago. Are you still worried about it now? Probably not. And if so, you probably need to let it go. Things in life change so quickly and drastically, so to let something that is, by it's very nature, a temporary situation just destroy you is tragic. TRUST ME ON THIS ONE.

5. Tragedy + Time = Comedy

I had to steal this one from Chris Rock, discussing his motivation behind his show "Everybody Hates Chris": "'I went through all this stuff,' Rock tells JET. 'It wasn't funny at the time, but tragedy plus time equals comedy as they say. I'm over it. Hey, I won. That's how I look at it.'" Word, my damie...... sa da tay. I've been through a lot of crazy shit in the past year. A lot. And truly crazy (that's what this blog is all about, after all). It sure the hell wasn't funny at the time (like walking out and seeing profanity spray painted across my Civic), but you know, I can laugh about it now, and I do laugh about it now, and I don't mind when other people laugh about it now. Bitchassed behavior really is quite comical (once the mess is cleaned up). Its my way of coping with bad things that happen in my life.

6. C'est la vie/So it goes

This just means "that's life.... shit happens..... oh well...... what can you do." The first phrase is (obviously) french, and who can forget the song from the 80's by Robbie Nevil that had me dancing around in my underwear as a little girl. The second phrase is from Kurt Vonnegut's "Slaughterhouse Five" (I *heart* Vonnegut, perhaps because I too have a dark comedy streak), which to me has a more melancholy connotation perhaps because it's how the Tralfamadorians think about dead people (''When a Tralfamadorian sees a corpse, all he thinks is that the dead person is in a bad condition in that particular moment, but that same person is just fine in plenty of other moments. Now, when I myself hear that somebody is dead, I simply shrug and say what the Tralfamadorians say about dead people, which is 'So it goes'.''). Obviously, I don't use it to refer to dead people, but more often than not when I uses it, it's either preceded or followed by a *sigh*. In either case, it's just life, and there's nothing you can do about some things. Accept them and move on.

Emotional Baggage Sundays, Part Deux

It seems like every Sunday (or at least every other Sunday) after a long weekend filled with good friends, good music, and yes, good drinks, I find myself sitting alone feeling melancholy about a number of things that I end up brooding over all afternoon, and then I end up posting some arcane bit of poetry or song lyrics or PostSecret postcard. So what's bothering me today? Might as well get it out:

1. Oddly enough (or not so oddly, considering how I create my iTunes playlists) this song that is currently playing as I write this pretty much sums up what's been on my mind most of the day: The One That Got Away by Pink. It's one of those weird issues because it's not something that's an active part of my life, but more like background static...... it's really one of those situations where I've accepted reality and let go. For the most part anyway. Its also something hard to explain (or not explain and just avoid) to someone you're dating that yes, there was a person in your life that was very important, and they're not anymore, and that makes you sad sometimes, but that honestly it is a non-issue because the odds of that relationship working out are less than nil. It's not taking anything away from the person currently in your life, but it's just reality. It happens. Everyone has that one that got away, but they move on. Right? I hope so.

2. I was throwing away junk mail and came across a mailer for a seminar on LLCs, LLPs, etc. I look at the names of the panelists and see (a) the moderator is the senior associate who made my life HELL the first year I started working at The Firm, gave me the shittiest assignments and the leftover bullshit, and was generally condescending and treated me like I didn't graduate from law school cum laude, and then (b) one of the panelists is a guy who started at The Firm the same time I did, and I remembered how they used to talk about how shitty of a writer he was when we first started, but they liked him and took him under their wings and gave him the good work and MENTORED him..... meanwhile I'm there given the shitty leftovers, the "simple quick little projects" that amounted to a bunch of bullshit. I literally started crying. Looking at my resume, you'd think that I would have been their fucking superstar. I feel like a failure sometimes because I feel like I should be at a much different place in my career, and it all comes down to the opportunities those fuckers didn't let me have at The Firm. And it was because they underestimated me, treated me like I was stupid, wouldn't give me the work so I could get the experience. It's the story of every black associate's life at The Firm.... we all tell the same tale. And that just made me angry all over again today, and made me question what the hell I'm doing in the legal profession in the first place.

(this playlist has got to go..... it's making me way too sad. "My Drive Thru".... that's a better song)

3. The fact that I still allow The Ex's words to get to me, gets to me. Yesterday the discussion involved him telling me that I need to quit "giving it away for free" and find some guy that can help me out financially right now. WTF?? I had to remind him that he doesn't have shit to offer to the woman he's dating that's almost, but not quite, old enough to be his momma, and that he needs to give her that same speech because if his theory holds true, her old ass should know better. Let me backtrack.... he doesn't have shit to offer her but companionship, which is all I'm looking for out of a guy, too. He's such an illogical fucktard, and it makes me mad that I can't just ignore that shyt and not let it, admittedly, hurt me. The insults he hurls at me are just really unnecessary. I hate being undercover sensitive sometimes.

4. Seems like nobody has any time for me. Yesterday I went to the movies alone (and saw the worst movie ever...... The Love Guru..... if I'd paid more than $1.25 for that shyt I'd still be mad right now), then ate dinner alone, then took myself to Front Page alone (but I always see people there I know and like), and then took myself home, again, alone. And this isn't anyone's fault, people have lives and are busy and whatnot. But damn.... next person who says that I probably have guys trying to get with me all the time is gonna get punched in the face, because NOBODY had any time for me this weekend. Well except for Roomie.... we had a good time hanging out Friday. Other than that, seems like everyone is too busy.

(dammittoallhell what is up with all my damn playlists pissing all over my emotions?? The current culprit: You Know What by N*E*R*D)

5. Being broke. Nuff said. Thanks to my girl and the random drunk white guy at Front Page last night for getting my Grateful Deads..... otherwise I would have been sitting there stone sober watching The Best of Soul Train on the bar TVs, which would have been a lot less fun because they were on some serious '80s ish last night. Comedy.

6. All those other things that I just can't talk about for one reason or another. But trust me, those are the ones bothering me the most.

Emotional Baggage Sundays

(PostSecret 8/17/2008)

Just until I find my own words again.....

It is
The
What-
Ifs
The magnanimous possibilities of this life
This now
This hour
This minute
The next is unknown
And that is ok!
Alright
All good
Uh-huh
Can't say what will break through
Can't say what will slide out
Knock up the world today
But I am soft and strong
Willed and passionate
My dreams are of seeing and being
More than what I am
And these dreams don't take the low podium
Now that I know
What I know
And that don't fit into sizes
Or parameters
Nothing can bar my exceptionality
Won't be wearing the silver medal,
No medals at all
My muscle has grown and my back has vigor
I am ready for the unspecified
Why shouldn't I be?
It is the what-ifs my darlings
That we should gild
The magnanimous possibilities of this life
This now
This hour
This minute
The next to be unknown
And that's ok!
Oh yes!
All good
Uh-huh
Hallelujah

~Jill Scott, "The What-ifs", The Moments, the Minutes, the Hours: The Poetry of Jill Scott