Reunited and it feels so GOOD!

I knew that I would see him again, but just not this soon. It seemed like it had been an eternity since we were last united, since I’d last felt his magical touch. I woke up that morning eagerly anticipating our eventual meeting later in the evening, and I busied myself to pass the time that stretched long and impatient as the sun made its trek from east to west. I made a minor fuss over what I should wear…. It had to be the right combination of comfort and style. I didn’t want to be too done up, yet I also did not want to be too casual, and an abundance of make-up was pointless because I always left with it smudged and streaked from heat and moisture. Finally the time had arrived. The drive seemed like 100 miles, 30 minutes seemed like 3 hours. I could hardly contain my excitement and anticipation as I made the trek up to Broadripple. I arrived at my destination and pulled up to the building; fortune smiled upon me as I found a space right up front. This was the moment I’d been longing after for months, but had prepared to wait for years. I walked up to the door and gingerly pushed it open. At first I looked around and didn’t see him, although I knew I was at the right place. Someone saw my look of confusion and directed me toward the back of the building. I walked around the corner and heard his familiar voice, so I quickened my step and hurried further into the building…… and there he was. After months of forced separation, we were reunited again. Time melted away and it seemed like nothing had been missed. We greeted each other and embraced briefly, but it was the embrace of someone who has been lost and now has been rescued. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. He sat me down and looked me over, asking me who had been taking care of me over the past several months. I told him I'd seen one person, but that it just wasn’t the same; nobody knows me as well, nobody has his skill and passion. After I had few drinks he started doing what he does best. Relief flooded over me as I felt the worries drop away one by one. Then came the moment I’d been dreaming about…. His touch was both gentle and firm, and it took everything I had not to audibly moan with pleasure. He worked his hands around, rubbing and kneading all the time and stress and cares away. Rub….. Lather….. Rinse….. Repeat…….........................................

Ok, y’all dirty MFs…. I’m talking about my beloved loctician! I’ve got him back!! As you may (not) recall, last November/December Karma gave me a swift kick in the arse and deprived me of one of the few things that has been a constant in my life for the past 8 years..... and that is my hair stylist (or more accurately, my loctician, because he only does locs).

(If you don't remember what happened, it's best to do some mandatory background reading: Please, Karma,Not my hair And the follow up: In Her Shoes Done? Ok, proceed.....)

I promised that the story would be continued..... so here it is. The shop where my loctician moved to, and the one which I was not allowed to patronize for, uh, "personal reasons", closed is relocating. I'd heard a rumor that the shop would be moving, and knowing my loctician like I do, I knew that the odds of him moving with them were just about nil unless they were staying in the same area (unlikely because the whole area is prime retail space), but I still wasn't going to get my hopes up too high. Sure enough, he gets a notice at the end of last month saying that the location was closing in 2 weeks. (*Pause* Two weeks notice to GTFO?? For real??? Yea, he was NOT happy.) On the one hand, I was uber ecstatic that my time in hair purgatory only lasted 5 months (I was bracing myself for YEARS of exile), but on the other hand I refrained from instantly bombarding him with e-mails begging to be the FIRST client at his new location because I know how much he hates upheaval, let alone upheaval that has to be done in such a short period of time. So I respected his time and space, sent him a few encouraging words, but as soon as I found out he landed a new spot, I was on it.

Take out all the sexual undertones to my monologue above and that pretty much sums up what happened (I was going to add that one of my friends who is also one of his clients happened to be in there as well, but I thought the allusion to a menage would be a little much). He shaped up my poor raggedy locs and gave me the best shampooing of my life. He told me to hold off on color and that we'd tackle that next time (I was waiting on him to bop me over the head with a bottle of hair oil for coloring it myself, but I think he understood my plight). It was so nice to be back in the chair I'd been in for the past 8 years, through almost my entire natural hair journey, having done numerous hair shows and photo shoots for him. I don't even have to tell him what I want.... I just trust him to do what he does best, knowing that he knows me well enough to give me what I want. I was so happy that I told him to go ahead and do me up and updo. And just so you can get a GLIMPSE into this man's skill, here's the end result:

And this (hopefully) concludes this particular adventure......All's well that ends well I guess (well, for me anyway). Thank you, Karma, for sparing me of years of deprivation. You can keep that rusty fork to yourself, my dear.

Fin.

(Oh, and check out Thierry Baptiste's amazing work.... he is truly a revolutionary in the natural hair and loc world. You haven't seen locs til you see Theirry's work.)

You Don't Want the Cool Chick, Part I: The FUBAR Theory

One of my biggest frustrations in my observations of (and experiences in) the dating and relationship world is this: people who like one thing, but end up with the opposite. Or, as I frequently summarize it in my rants to friends and any man who laments about how his girl is lame..... guys say they want the cool chick, but in reality they don't. They want that same whiny, naggy, high maintenance chick that they've been bitching and moaning about for all their dating lives. So my question is merely this..... why???

Let's be real here... as a self professed "cool chick" I know that I can be a bit hard to handle at times. The Ex used to say that the same qualities he loved about me were the same ones he hated about me. Being laid back and free spirited can come off as don'tgiveafuckedness, not tripping on your guy for wanting to hang out with his boys can be perceived as having ulterior (and nefarious) motives, and let's just face it..... some men are just downright insecure. And it's foreign, not what guys are used to, so even though they SAY they want a chick who can watch football, drink a beer, have mean oral advocacy skills and isn't a clingy hosebeast needy, at the end of the day we're the ones sitting having a beer with you listening to you complain about your sports hating, Fuji bottled water drinking, "you want me to put that WHERE??" chick.

Anywho, with that bit of background out the way, I've been threatening to saying I was going to write about this for awhile.... but I really don't have an answer. I'm really hoping my loved ones in the blogosphere can help me out with this one. But still, I have my theories, so this will be Part I in an indefinitely numbered series of "You Don't Want the Cool Chick", and my first theory is.........

The FUBAR Theory

So the other day a friend of mine hit me up on Facebook chat to say hi. He used to be madly obsessed with date one of my close friends, but he married someone else not too long after their split. I asked him how married life is treating him, and he responded with mixed reviews and said he missed doing fun things. To which I replied that he should be able to do those things with his wife, right? I guess not so much. From what it seems, he went and married the polar opposite of my friend.

Then there's my Ex.... he went and got himself a chick that couldn't be any more different from me if she tried. Appearance wise, personality wise, interest wise, sex appeal wise, age wise, everything. He got with her a few months before our divorce was finalized and fully moved in shortly thereafter. Keep in mind, loved ones.... I'm the one that wanted and filed for divorce. You would think I would be the one wookin' pa nub in all the wrong places.

I've seen these scenarios play out time and time again (because my friends tend to be a bit, um, "colorful").....boy meets cool chick, boy falls in love with cool chick, boy gets obsessively crazy about cool chick, boy loses his mind over cool chick, cool chick is like "WTF?", boy and cool chick break up, boy goes and gets the furthest thing from cool chick he can find and wifes her. The end. Or not really.... boy goes and cheats on furthest thing from cool chick because he misses all the things he used to do with cool chick (sexual and non-sexual). And that, loved ones, is what I call getting FUBAR'd.

I'll be nice and give you the definition:

FUBAR is an acronym that commonly means "Fucked Up Beyond All Repair" (used to describe the state of some equipment) or "Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition" (used to describe a situation or scenario), which now exists in many variations. Although it originated in the US Armed Forces, its usage has spread to civilian environments.

(thanks Wikipedia!)

In other words, folks get shell shocked. I think some guys are so traumatized by a failed relationship with a cool chick that they really, really like(d) that their response is to run as far away from it as possible..... the most extreme form of the rebound. Not only is that person trying to fill a void, but they are also trying to neutralize the effects their ex had on their heart and psyche. They had acid.... they go get a base. Sugar..... salt. Adventurous..... conservative. Free-spirit..... stick in the mud. I think people associate the qualities their ex had with the negative outcome of the relationship. And THAT, loved ones, is where folks go wrong.

The fact remains that you like what you like.... at the end of the day those qualities that made you fall insanely in love with your ex are still what you are attracted to. But when you've been FUBAR'd, you convince yourself otherwise.... that you hated all those qualities, you hate your ex, and you vow to "get it right" this time. And just to clarify here.... I'm not talking about bad qualities, like always falling for the girl who treats you like crap. I'm talking about things like if you liked pony play creative sex with your ex and your new chick will only do missionary..... that's a problem. If you liked to road trip and travel with your ex and your new girl has never left the state.... that's a problem. If you like to get out and socialize and your chick is an agoraphobic homebody..... that, loved ones, is a problem. Because no matter how horrible you think your ex is and everything associated with her, and no matter how much you think you can convince yourself that you can learn to live without certain qualities in a person, eventually the facade all falls down. And then we all know what happens.... I'll give you a hint, it starts with a C.

Let me just put the disclaimer in (for myself) that just because you go get the opposite of your ex does NOT mean you've been FUBAR'd. If you are the dumper, and not the dumpee, well it's obvious that you weren't happy with what you had and were looking for something different. That is a legitimate change up and all a part of finding your perfect match. However, even in those scenarios I think it is possible to get carried away and go to extremes when you are unable to separate the qualities that you did like about a person from those that you didn't.

And that, my damies, I think is the key. Take time to really take personal inventory and really think about what qualities you did like in your exes. Don't just stamp a big label of HATE across everything associated with the person. For example, my Ex is outgoing and talkative, and I like that in a guy.... but I also like guys who have ambition and can finish something, and who use lotion more than once a month care about their appearance. But it takes TIME to do this.... time to let the emotions die down so you can see things more clearly.

So... if you find yourself in the wake of a WTFJH* break-up, be really, really careful what you start wishing for, because you just might get it. Don't get FUBAR'd.

*What the fuck just happened???

In Her Shoes

So I had my appointment with my "new" loctician (who BTW I really liked and did a great job cutting my hair.... got about 3-4" lopped off but I think it's still plenty long.... seems to be more of a surprise to other folks more than it is to me, maybe because I rarely saw the back of my own head......). On my way to my appointment, I had a conversation with a friend of mine (my personal Zen Master of sorts) who was basically telling me that I need to suck it up, take the L, and let the whole loctician situation go. *deep heavy sigh* I asked for his reaction to my blog post from yesterday, and here's the edited, abridged, and redacted version of our conversation:

********************

Me: Thoughts?
ZM: i know it sucks to lose something valuable to you in this. *here comes the but*
ZM: but you don't know where this woman is in the healing process and thru this entire thing she has had zero leverage. she was the one who was hurt that had no control over the situation. so now she does and i gotta understand her desire to not give that up for you. I'm sure you know the second part...but the first part is the most important.
ZM: you've never been dumped even. i was the same way as you once until my heart was truly crushed and it took over two years to get over it...and it was not by _______
ZM: when it was hurt like that i felt to stupid for not understanding ________ and how she acted during our breakup.
ZM: so stupid
ZM: hopefully u will never know that type of pain luv....but if you ever do you will look back on his blog differently guaranteed

Me: I'm zealously advocating for myself here
Me: Maybe I'm mad cuz __________ is making ME out to be the petty one
ZM: i would not call it petty. i would say you don't know how she feels. u can't. therefore you can't be totally held liable for not being able to be in her shoes. if you had, you would not even be able to be upset at the situation.

Me: And can I say that I have been hurt in all this, so don't I get some leeway to be an irrational bitch, too?
ZM: .....you can always be irrational and act out if you like
Me: LOL
ZM: you can be selfish or evil or anything else you like if you want too.
Me: :(
ZM: I'm not saying you are
ZM: I'm saying you can
ZM: its your right. its like when white people get indignant about how "black get stuff for free". if they were black and truly "got it" then they wouldn't see that way
ZM: they have always been white. the majority. they don't realize the everyday subliminal benefits
ZM: its the same in this case
ZM: you are upset because you have never had to process that type of pain
ZM: if you would then you would get it and just accept it as part of life. you would not have anything to be upset about.

ZM: so hopefully you never will get it...but trust me on this. you don't understand where she is in the healing process
ZM: btw...you are still my friend and I'll support any rant you are on based off that alone. :)
Me: I fully understand what you are saying
Me: And that's why I started off that post on the subject of Karma
Me: And took the approach I did
Me: **long sigh**
Me: I wrote a post a few months ago about heartbreak
Me: And how it's the 1st time I've dealt with it
Me: Its not the same, I know
Me: But it was a nice lil portion
ZM: yeah i know. I'm not saying you don't know heartbreak
ZM: i know u do

Me: Guess I just gotta wait til the Universe is done fuckin with me on this one
Me: That's why I'm not big on revenge, cuz the Universe rights itself
ZM: u said it best in your other blog. sometime a person thinks they been thru it but its plain to anyone that has been thru it that the other has not. so how u feel is totally normal based on your level of past hurt
ZM: lol...and the universe does right itself

*********************

I mean, what can I really say to that?? As much as it is causing deep, painful visceral reactions in the core of my being, I have to say...... he's right. *recovers from violent convulsions* A good attorney not only knows and understands her own argument, but the other side's as well.... just as well, if not better than, her own. And my friend gave me a fairly compelling argument for the other side today. I'm not even going to expound on it because I think his words summed it up pretty well.

(Sidenote: I really appreciate friends who have the cajones to disagree with you and tell you when you're wrong, and tell you what they know you don't want to hear. Anybody can tell you want they think you want to hear. I believe that real friends will tell you when you're right AND when you're wrong.)

I have to finish processing all this..... I have a lot of conflicting thoughts that are swirling around dredging up old shyt that I've done my best to settle, and creating a big ole pot of Rage Soup that's threatening to boil over and burn up everything in its path (I actually wrote a bunch of other shyt, took it out, put it back, and then took it out again.... don't worry, loved ones, I have it saved for another day). But for now I'm just going to woo sah this out, bring myself back to the present moment, and enjoy my new haircut.

Again, to be continued......

Please, Karma, not my hair.....

If there is one lesson I have learned in the last year and a half of my adventures in divorce, it is this: Karma is a hellafide bitch. And just when you think she's done with you, here she comes from around the corner again with her rusty fork to jab you in the arse a few more times. Karma doesn't just come at you in the direct, obvious forms.... oh no, she's much craftier than that. Like the obvious consequence of my... uh.... indiscretions wasn't just my dramatical divorce, my emotional break down, and the major upheaval of my life in general. Oh no.... she keeps coming at me in new and exciting ways that I'd never imagined! And the newest incarnation of Karma's wrath is to fuck with........

.......My Hair.

Yes, loved ones, Karma has made it such that my hair stylist of 8 years may no longer accessible to me. The only man I have ever felt 100% comfortable doing my hair, both before and after I started my locs. The man who is THE MAN when it comes to locs. The man responsible for folks coming up to me saying "Hey, you look really familiar" because I used to do modeling for him and was all over his marketing materials and business cards. The man whom I can go to, sit in his chair, say "I'm not really sure what I want" and he gives me exactly what I want. The man responsible for doing my hair and photos featured in this video.

I know this seems really odd and random, but it's directly related to my.... uh.... indiscretions. Recently my loctician changed shops.... he was previously at an otherwise all white salon and was the only black stylist in the shop. He had his own private room, nice and spacious, where we could chat and listen to music and carry on as we do. So last month he moved to an all black salon that specializes in natural hair. I actually had my son's locs started there and had been there at least once myself. So what's the problem, you ask? Well, a few years ago the shop changed ownership, and is now owned by...... can you guess? *waits 5 seconds for you to guess* That's right, my.... uh..... "co-conspirator's" wife. *long Napoleonic Dynamite sigh* Needless to say, she told my loctician that I am banned from coming into the shop. My stylist said he was going to talk to her about it (because I am his client, not the shop's, and I've been his client for 8 years, and he said he really didn't give a flying fig what went on in other people's personal lives, and it was all just business), but as of yet, I haven't heard back from him, which means I can only assume that this is still a yet unresolved issue between him and "management".

Now, I understand that I we did a bad thing. I know this. And I know people were hurt by it. And I've paid for it 10 times over (thus the reason this blog is even in existence). But all I want is to be able to go to my hair stylist. Period. That's it. This is not a situation where I'm trying to get into her shop just to fuck with her.... I don't want to see her any more than she wants to see me. I have MAD HISTORY with my hair stylist so it has nothing to do with her, her husband, or her shop. I tell people all the time that my loctician (and also my nail tech) could set up shop in a crack house and I would be there kicking glass pipes aside to sit in his chair. And I'm sure 99% of his other clients feel the same way.

(*Sick and ironic side note: The building where the salon is located is also the building in which I got married in 1999. It used to be a wedding chapel until there was a fire in the building, which someone else bought and turned into a hair salon. I stood right on the bricks in front of the picture window in the front and said my "I do's" almost 10 years ago. Fate is a cruel and evil bitch sometimes, too.)

I can understand that she hates my guts and wishes for the cessation of my very existence doesn't like me. But dammit, this is business. Personally, nothing would please me more than to take the hard earned money of my arch nemesis. But perhaps being the top undergraduate business student in my class and being an overly analytical lawyer has my brain wired differently. I dunno. She works a 9 to 5, so I know there are plenty of times when she's not there when I could come in for 2 hours, 3 or 4 times a year and get my hair done and be on about my merry way. Like my BFF in London says, it's not like I'm asking to come to their house for tea and crumpets. And perhaps I could accept and understand this a little better if not for the fact that just a few months ago she was sending me e-mail invites to events at her shop (which I politely declined) and sending me (and directly to me personally.... not a mass distribution) natural hair surveys asking that I forward them on to my network (which I politely did). Which then raises the question..... who is really being petty, and who is trying to fuck with who here?? Even throughout all this mess, all this drama, I've always respected her business and have had nothing but positive things to say about her shop. Whenever people ask me for referrals for non-loc natural hair services, I ALWAYS refer them to that shop. I have a greater purpose in mind, and that is to encourage black women to embrace their natural hair, and part of that is having access to people who can help them with that, regardless of my personal history or feelings with anyone. *refrains from fully stepping onto natural hair soap box*

So, because it's come down to the last minute and I really need to get my hair done for my beau's company holiday dinner on Thursday, I went ahead and sucked it up and called my loctician's former assistant/apprentice who is still doing locs at their prior location (she stayed behind and is doing her own thing). I'm hoping that this isn't a permanent switch for me (though I am fully confident in her abilities as a stylist and have heard good things about her) but rather a temporary fix to get me over this hump while I resolve these issues with my loctician. I don't want to have to take my business elsewhere over all this, because I really don't think it's necessary, but if I have to I guess I will..... and all my other friends' and associates' business with me. But I will always and forever give my loctician credit as being the baddest loc artist on BOTH sides of the Mississippi, and on either side of the Pond as well, and none of this mess will affect my respect and admiration of him as an artist and business professional.


(I could be a helluva lot more malicious and petty in reaction to this right about now..... because really I am still VERY upset about the situation for a number of reasons I'm not going to go into here and now, and I AM still a female (and you know how the saying goes, "Hell hath no fury........"). But for now, I'm going to be the bigger person, as I really try to be, even when it is to my detriment and I have no reason to be but for the sake of principle. We'll see how this unfolds, though..... we shall see, loved ones.)

To be continued......

Don't Do It!!! (on being the "other woman")

So yesterday my friend calls me up (let's call her "M") wanting to talk and get some advice about a guy she's been seeing. Here's the background: She met this guy online (and I'm not even going to say this is a red flag.... maybe a yellow one, but you can meet some legit people online. But I digress....), she said they had a wonderful connection and chemistry and the conversation just flowed easily and effortlessly..... it was perfect. Or so it seemed. So he goes to visit M (I told her don't sleep with him, but nobody listens to me cuz of my namesake... the whole "unheeded prophetess of doom" thing) and they have a great weekend getting to know each other, and she's all geeked until 2 days after he gets home and she gets a call from his WIFE. *screeeeeeeech!* I told her back then to RUN.... lose his number, block her number, cut your losses and move on because it's JUST NOT WORTH IT (no matter how great all those "interconnections" are). Again, she doesn't listen, and instead listens to his insistences that even though they are still living in the same house, that he and Wifey are separated and going to get divorced. Uh huh.... I told M "That's the oldest line in the fugging book." At that point I threw up my hands, because unfortunately having experience in this area such that you can give solid advice also simultaneously give you no credibility, and it seemed like she really wasn't trying to hear me. Ah well.... eventually I did get the "You were right" call and I didn't respond with any "I told you so" and I thought that was the end of it..... disaster averted.

Not so much. Yesteday she calls me because dude is still calling her AND Wifey is still calling her. Turns out dude is pulling double duty by telling M that he thinks they could really have something, but then turning around telling Wifey they can work it out. My advice: Tell them both to kick rocks. AND don't answer any of their calls. The cold turkey method is the best way to go. You cannot "wean" yourself off a person.... every encounter and interaction just reinforces that connection and makes it harder to leave that person alone. I told her that if they are really meant to be together that they will be together, but she needs to insist on seeing some dry ink on a divorce decree before she tries to have anything with this man (because separated people DO get back together allll the time).

So here's my open letter advice to any woman (or man) who finds themselves in a similar situation with a person who is either married or in a committed relationship: DON'T DO IT!! And before you leap off your moral bandwagon and chase me down with sticks and torches, it's just one of those things that happens and you don't even realize how you got there until you're in the thick of it. I love Jill Scott because of her realness and honesty in her music and poetry, and that's one thing she talked about at her last concert when introducing her song "My Love".... you find yourself in situations that you said you'd NEVER find yourself in.

And here's how it happens: You're minding your own business in life, chillin', enjoying the sights, and a guy (or lady) steps to you. Let's even say you knew that this person, at some point, got married, but it's impossible to know what's going on with a person at any given time (I still have people who ask about "my husband"), and people do date while they are separated/divorcing because that ish takes a LONG time (trust me, I didn't just start dating in May). I think it's a somewhat reasonable (if not the wisest) assumption to make that if a person is actively pursuing you that their marriage is pretty much on the outs (but that's also because I feel that if there's constant cheating going on, the marriage is pretty much worthless and you just need to get the fugg out and quit wasting each other's time). So you engage with this person only to later find out that they AREN'T on the brink of divorce and their marriage ISN'T on the outs, but by then you've already gotten involved with this person. And, voila! You've got "My Love".

So getting back to M (and anyone else finding themselves in this situation)....... you deserve more than relegating yourself to the status of "other woman". The odds of that fantasy fairy tale idea that he's going to leave her for you is a bunch of malarkey. And even if that does happen in some bizarro alternate universe, like one of my other friends says..... the way you get a person is the same way you're going to lose them. That person has made their choice..... divorces/break-ups are hard, but they happen every day. If the desire to be with you is that strong, he'd make that leap. But otherwise, all you can do is respect his decision and move on. There's no sense in trying to compete, convince, or give ultimatums, because in the end you're the one left alone while he goes off and plays happy family with his #1. Don't be that "missing piece" to his relationship, because think about what you're actually doing..... you're making it easier for him to STAY in his relationship because now he's got everything he needs. And you DON'T. You. Deserve. More.

Life lived..... lessons learned, loved ones.

The C Word

I was reading a post on Finding My Way, another blog about divorce (I discovered she has a link to my site on her blog..... thank you, thank you). Something interesting she had to say:

"When I discovered in May 2005 that my spouse had cheated on me, I didn't respond like most wives would have. I felt immense relief that it was over. Adultery was not acceptable and therefore I could leave this marriage for what I considered a good reason. Not "we just don't get along" (although true) or "we just don't love each other anymore" (partly true but I don't think he ever really loved me). I could feel less guilt about the divorce's impact on my children, because I didn't leave the marriage, he left it when he cheated."

Relief..... that's the overwhelming feeling I had the night the Excrement Hit the Air Conditioning and the end of my marriage officially began. I finally had a concrete reason to get out, that one thing that people could point to and express in a sound bite to explain "what happened" when they sit around and gossip about why my Ex and I divorced, even though the notion that cheating automatically ends marriages is a fallacy.....most of the time, cheating is a symptom of an underlying problem, not the problem in and of itself. Well, I had underlying problems like CRAZY, the extent of which I'm still discovering, but none that were easily explained in 50 words or less, even assuming that they could be adequately explained at all.

However, I differ from my fellow divorcee blogger in that the cheating wasn't my Ex's doing.... it was mine. *GASP* (Yea, I know..... hate me if you wanna, but I'm human and it takes 2 to tango.) Well let me backtrack..... the situation was such that I thought my Ex was cheating, which triggered a big unfortunate "fuckit" moment. I found some very damming text messages on his phone between him and another female, but he swears nothing happened between them and it was just flirting (which I'm still not sure I believe..... when you text someone "I want to see you" that's usually not JUST flirting)..... even still, the fact that was going on in and of itself was a problem which caused me to flip the fuck out and leave for about a week to contemplate what the hell was going on with us. And not to go into any details, but that's when it happened. Basically. Yea. So anyway, he found out about it, there was a big ole scene when I was out with friends (the hearing in my right ear is still jacked up...... yea, it got ugly..... he hit me..... HARD). Even as I sat outside the club hiding around the corner, the overwhelming thought that was paramount amongst the hundreds of others was "It's over.... I'm free." There was an immense feeling of relief even amongst the fear and dread and shame. I even stayed at the spot and kicked it and had a really good time (might have been all the tequila my friends were buying to make me feel better). I just knew he wouldn't want me anymore after that and that there was now a "justification" for us splitting up aside from "we aren't getting along."

(*Sidenote: I feel the need to clarify that this was NOT planned..... I did not plan for my Ex to find out about my indiscretions AT ALL. I was even questioned as to whether I "used" my fellow adulterer as an excuse to get out of my marriage. Not. At. All. I felt absolutely terrible for all the things he had to endure in the fallout as well...... tho, it seems he's faring much better now than I am. Like I said.... cheating is not an automatic deal breaker for many people. But I will say that one should only gamble with what one is willing to lose..... when you go to Vegas, you don't intend to lose, but you should put yourself in a situation where you shouldn't be too terribly distraught if you do. Likewise, I knew my marriage had issues and apparently on some level I was willing to lose it....... didn't intend to, but by my very actions made that a possibility by default.)

It was unfortunate that I let it get to that point instead of dealing with our issues head on, which probably would have lead to the same result...... divorce..... but I would have avoided involving someone else's life in my quagmire. However, it just seemed that the other reasons just weren't "good enough" for divorcing.... it wasn't enough to overcome the "stay for the kids" argument. As the author stated above "we just don't get along" or "we just don't love each other anymore" didn't seem like a justifable reason.... it seemed whiny, selfish, and like I just wasn't trying hard enough. But cheating..... ah, yes, now THAT was a reason!! Nevermind that those same feelings and thoughts were the underlying reason for the act.... nevermind the thoughts and feelings and attitudes that cause you to reach out to another person for comfort and solace.......nevermind the obvious underlying loss and/or lack of respect....... it's the act itself that everyone focuses on as being the deal breaker. I'm here to say that this thought process if extremely flawed..... if a marriage is broken, it's broken, no matter how it manifests. As it turns out, cheating was NOT a deal breaker for my marriage.... my Ex was willing to forgive me and begged and begged for me to come back, but I knew that our issues went deeper than my infidelity and ultimately that is what I based my decision upon. So in the end (?) cheating became merely a wake up call, not a justification.

Who's to say what would have happened if I hadn't cheated..... I could still be married right now, but then again maybe not. I may have just been delaying the inevitable. I could be living the rest of my life unhappy like my parents. There's no point in speculating, really. What happened, happened. Some bad came out of it, but I must acknowledge that some good came out of it as well (in a chaos theory sort of way). I feel myself starting to ramble..... so much I want to say and can't..... won't..... shouldn't. So I'm not. Fin. Maybe I'll come back to this issue..... in fact, I'm sure I will.

(Oh, and if you are wondering why I would put myself out there like this and admit to cheating..... well, The Ex pretty much told anyone who would sit still in his presence long enough to listen, and he talks A LOT, so I've just come to accept it as common knowledge. It is what it is, loved ones.)

One Stop Shopping

Now comes my long overdue commentary on one of my most favorite songs of the current moment, "I'm Cheatin" by Dwele. If you've never heard the song, please take a few minutes to watch the video below before continuing reading, because I'd hate to ruin the light bulb moment experience that occurs about midway through the song when you realize what he's actually talking about:



*pause* Done? Ok, onward.....

So if you've never heard the song and didn't watch the video, you are lame you missed out and I'm just going to go ahead spoil it for you (last chance.... watch it). What Mr. Andwele Gardner is talking about in this seemingly scandalous ass song is the idea that he's cheating on his girl WITH his girl (i.e. his girl and his mistress are one in the same).

When love is free
It’s a matter of time
Before, before…....(that’s wrong)
Some have a girl with a chick on the side (I don’t need it)
My girl is all ......She’s all I need so I don’t mind cheatin' on my
Girl.... with my girl

While Dwele expresses this concept in a way that just makes you wanna run out and buy a few wigs and a freakum dress (or 2) and come up with a sexy alias (and have Dwele's babies), a friend of mine has expressed this concept in another way...... way before this song ever came out, he would say that his wife is his "Wal-Mart Woman". Wal-Mart?? Yea, initially sounds like a bad R.Kelly analogy, but think about Wal-Mart for a second..... where else can you go and get milk, draws, paint, an engagement ring, a TV, a bolt of fabric, a hair cut, a pair of glasses, and your picture taken, all while waiting for an oil change?? If you can't get it at Wal-Mart, well hell you probably don't need it. Likewise, that's how he describes his wife..... she is his one stop shop, everything he needs emotionally, intellectually, financially, and (I won't say most importantly, but it's pretty damn important) sexually. Ok scratch that, I will say that sexually is extremely important, because that's what people do when they cheat 99% of the time, right?

I once heard someone say that a good sex life has a 10% influence on a relationship, while a bad sex life has a 90% influence on a relationship (or something along those lines). Basically the health of the relationship and the health of the sex life go hand in hand in hand in hand. One can cause the demise of the other, and then it just becomes a vicious downward spiral (trust me, I've been there, done that, got the divorce decree). But I'm just going to focus on the easy part, and that's being your man's "Wal-Mart Woman" in the bedroom. If your man likes it, wants it, needs it, well by gosh you better do it. And if you can't or won't..... well, maybe you ought to rethink your relationship because perhaps its the case that you just aren't sexually compatible. Seriously. Lie to yourselves all you want, but sex is a critical factor in a relationship. You can't tell a person that they shouldn't want a certain thing sexually, or that they'll just have to live with it (or rather, without it) or get over it. Because they WON'T.

(pressure busts pipes..... pressure busts pipes......)

I don't understand why so many people (ok, WOMEN) have so many hang-ups anyway. If that is supposedly the love of your life, why not try out that Freaks of the Industry "head under her leg under my arm under her toe" move?? And if you don't know how to do it, get a book, read a Cosmo, watch some porn, ask a friend, hell, ask ME (when you are with the same guy for 14 years, inhibition gets replaced by a whole lotta creativity). More importantly than the physical how to, though, is the mental wherewithal, and that comes in the form of being confident and comfortable with yourself. Personally, I KNOW that I'm one sexy mutha-(watch yo mouth!) even when I do put on a lil extra fluff , because it comes from INSIDE. It is a passion and desire that is not automatically associated with appearances. It is a desire to please, which is another key factor in all this..... this is one area in life (outside of elementary school) where you can get an A for effort. Because really, this ish isn't rocket science. Give enough effort over enough time and you can master damn near anything when it comes to sex. So if your man wants something, at least try..... and really be willing to try, not some half assed, twisting your arm try.

(And I'm not even going to fully address the issue of the Mighty O because I have an unfair advantage in that department from what I understand..... but I do know that guys really like such positive reinforcement, and that a major hindrance is the inability to relax. So relax. And if that doesn't work, sorry fo ya..... if it's any consolation, I read that orgasmic ability is genetic, so if you want you can blame your shortcomings on your mom.)

But, you ask, what if he has some really out there, strange desires? And my answer is: What is strange?? "Normal" when it comes to sex is extremely subjective. Like my friends I mentioned earlier? They just happen to be swingers (not full, tho) so that is their concept of "normal." And again, I have to bring up the concept of compatibility. Anyone dealing with me has got to know that they are going to have to deal with [X, Y, and Z] (you didn't think I was really going to TELL you now, did you??) and if they can't oblige then I guess we're not a match. Most people fall within a few standard deviations of what is generally considered "normal" though, so unless you come across some ole 2 Girls 1 Cup* dude, it's not unreasonable to ask yourself to be a little flexible.

So, you can try and be that Nordstrom Woman all you want, but don't be surprised when you look up and your dude has his ass over at Home Depot.

(*and did you really think I was gonna post a link to that actual nasty shyt?? Hellz naw! Watching the Roots' reaction gives you a good enough idea)