A Treasure Trove of Trauma

So, I recently discovered that MySpace has FINALLY given people the ability to download their old blogs.  (Remember MySpace blogs?  Remember MySpace??)  My MySpace blog was the sole and absolute reason that I still have an active MySpace account . . . . I would sign into it annually just to make sure it was still there.  The blog was a landfill buried treasure of sorts, an almost daily chronicle of my life from about 2005 to 2009.  This time period was the most "evolutionary" period of my life . . . . or, in common terms, it was when my life shit hit the fan.  However, there were some really great gems of writing in there, so I couldn't wait to get my hands on the literally hundreds of posts.

I'm not sure that was the greatest idea.

Let me clarify . . . it was very interesting to read my own writing, and there were indeed some real gems in there.  But I'm a Cancer, and we Cancerians tend to have a problem with dwelling on the past and have a hard time letting go.  Because of that, I try to keep a "present moment" attitude (with varying degrees of success).  So to go back and read through those old blog posts was like Harry Potter falling into Dumbledore's pensieve into a stored memory, and I was THERE.  All the hurt from my career and relationship disappointments came rushing back.  Needless to say, I've been in a bit of a funk lately.

I recently returned from a conference for lawyers' assistance programs, and the presenter in one of the sessions talked about the root of harmful behaviors being our desire to suppress feelings related to Trauma (big T) and trauma (little t).  Without attempting to summarize the entire presentation, basically the thing that struck me was that "little t" traumas (things like living in uncertainty, constant verbal abuse and criticism, lack of emotional support, etc.) can create the negative emotions that we seek to avoid, just as much as the "big T" Traumas (physical abuse, loss of a family member, combat, etc.) can.  (And comparing people's Traumas and traumas is pretty pointless . . . knowing you went through something truly horrific does not lessen the emotional impacts of my traumas on me.)  In that very moment, as I sat with tears streaming down my face in a conference center room full of lawyers, I realized that the partying, excessive alcohol, and other, um, "questionable" decisions made during that time period were the result of me trying to cope with my trauma, not because I was a bad person.  I was a hurt person.  And I realized that some of my "friends" during that time were merely taking advantage of the circumstances resulting from that hurt.

The therapeutic process (which was the original motivation behind AID in the first place) often involves opening and re-examining old wounds so we can understand WHY.  It's like a broken bone that doesn't set and heal correctly . . . in order to fix it properly, you have to re-break it.  And it hurts.  But there was a reason I needed to go back and read and understand what happened, what went wrong, and why I did the harmful and hurtful things I did to both myself and others.  From that understanding, though, I should be able to actually heal, instead of just trying to forget.

Maybe this has been a good idea after all.

The League of Evil Exes

(No, I didn't die or get sucked into a vortex.... I GOT ENGAGED!!  I also got a job where writing is 83.5% of my day, so it's like a chef that doesn't quite feel like cooking gourmet meals for herself at home.  But, more about that later.....I hope.)

I had a rather awkward experience at my daughter's basketball game today.  I was sitting on the bleachers with my fiance, minding our own business, when in walks my ex-husband with his baby momma and proceeds to walk all the way down to where we were sitting.  Then around half time, in walks his ex (let's call her First Ex), with whom he cheated on with and had a baby with Baby Momma, and she too proceeds to come all the way down to the end of the bleachers and sit right next to me.  She was the first relationship he had right after our divorce and they dated for a few years, so she is very close to my children (thus why she was even at the game).  She and I are friendly towards each other; our daughters are about the same age and are sisterly toward each other, and I'm not the one to unnecessarily burn bridges, so I guess you could say we are cool.  Baby Momma, on the other hand, HATES this particular ex, and pretty much hates me because she felt like I was taking her and my ex-husband's "side" when they were going through all their back and forth issues.  Um, I had nothing to do with any of that, despite the fact that Baby Momma tried to drag me into it against my will.

So here I am, wedged between First Ex and Ex-Husband and Baby Momma.  Aw-kw-ard.  And of course I'm talking to First Ex, because like I said, we are cool, and she's sitting right next to me.  But understanding human nature, I know she still had some bitterness leftover toward the Baby Momma situation, and by her sitting there being friendly with me, I know that also probably brought up some negativity in Baby Momma since she accused me (and my then 12 year old child) of taking sides against her.  Not that I allowed it to change my behavior-- after all, I am happily engaged to the man who I believe I was supposed to be spending my life with-- but I started to get a very pawn-like feeling as I sat there and watched my now almost 15 year old play basketball.

 I don't to be a part of The League of Evil Exes

One of my most favorite movies is Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.  If you haven't seen this fantastically odd piece of movie goodness (which I have seen at least 100 times), basically it's about a guy who has to fight and defeat, video game style, his girlfriend's Seven Evil Exes in order to have a relationship with her.  The seven exes have formed a "league" that has agreed to fight Scott.   As art often imitates life, I have seen time and time again where the exes of a guy will later become friends, whether or not its for the purpose of engaging in "He ain't shit!" sessions or just because they have something in common.  Either way, that's just not my style. Not only do I not want to be out here fighting my ex-husband's current girlfriend, I also have zero desire to form my own League of Evil Exes.

Over the past 6 years, I've been friendly toward my ex-husband's girlfriends, just because there's really no reason not to be, but I was never interested in becoming BFFs with them when they broke up and/or get together to talk shit about him.  Baby Momma tried that with me when she broke up with my ex-husband the first (second?) time, and I wasn't having it.  There is no need for us to become close friends premised solely on the fact that we used to date the same person and now realize the error of our ways.  First Ex and I have more in common than just my ex-husband both professionally and personally, so I don't have a problem being social with her, but we never talk about him.  Now, his most recent girlfriend (whom he kicked out of his house around the holidays and then promptly got back with Baby Momma), we really have nothing in common.  Again, we were cordial toward each other, but there is really no reason for me to be friends with her after the fact.

I really hope I was reading more into that situation today than what it was, because I don't like feeling like a pawn in the game of emotional chess.  But whether it was intentional or not, that's how I felt.  Other women may bond with their ex's exes, but personally I want no part of the League of Evil Exes.

Ink Battles

So The Ex called me shortly before the holidays, frantic, asking if I had talked to my son lately. One part of me was expecting some catastrophic news that he'd lost his scholarship, or that he wasn't coming home for Christmas, or that It-That-Must-Not-Be-Named occurred with some girl, but the more rational part of me knew that it was going to be some irrelevant bullshit.  This man called urgently interrupting my work day to tell me......

My son is planning on getting a tattoo.

Now, this isn't new news to me, as my son has been begging me to get him a tattoo since he was 16.  He had also "threatened" to go off to Boston and get himself a potentially questionable tat if I didn't get one for him before he left for school.  However, The Ex called me as if I could somehow stop this from happening.... from 1,000 miles away.

The last thing I want to see is my son mar his lovely golden brown skin with some ugly ink.  As a mother and an ink lover, that would hurt my feelings.  Badly.  Do I want him to go to my tattoo artist where I know he will get some quality work?  Yes.  Do I want him to spend a minimum of $250 to get a decent piece of artwork?  Yes.  Have I told him all of these things?  Since he was old enough to notice my ink.  

However, the reality is that he is a newly minted adult, and as we have all experienced, sometimes new adults want to exercise their blossoming adulthood by doing questionable things that totally piss their parents off.  And part of the appeal of a tattoo is the rebellion aspect of it.  Normally, the tattoo itself is enough to shock the conscience of the average parent.  But considering I, as his mother, have about $1,800 worth of ink myself, the idea of a tattoo is incredibly blase to me.  So perhaps this is just something he wants to do on his own without our assistance or intervention, just because he can.  I can admit that there is something less than appealing about your mommy taking you to the tattoo parlor. Not very independent.  Or manly. Or whatever sense of whatever that young men seek.  

Am I worried that he will choose a hack artist who will have his lion design looking more like a monchichi?  Of course.  Too many of us have been there, and are still here living with regrettable tattoos, or tattoos that we had to spend 10 times as much to cover up.  It's just a part of life and the maturing process.  Ultimately, HE has to live with whatever ink decisions he makes.  And he's a smart boy who has grown up seeing great tattoos, so he has seen and knows what is involved in a good tattoo.  While he may not end up with the best design in the world, I'm certain it will be a far cry from the atrocities I see on Tattoo Nightmares.

I guess I ought not be surprised that The Ex wants to control this decision in my son's life, just as he tried to control his decision about where to go to college.  But like the college experience, The Ex has never had the tattoo experience, and thus comes from a position of very little credibility on this issue.  And like the college decision, I just have to accept that this decision impacts HIS life, not mine, and that ultimately I need to let it go. Who knows, he may make another good decision, find a great artist in Boston, find a thirsty rich girl to fund the endeavor, and come home at Christmas with a piece better than mine, in which case I've wasted my worry.  Or he could come home with some crap, get the "I told you so" side eye from me, and I've still wasted my worry because at that point there's nothing I can do.  

My response to all of this was just to send my son a text letting him know I'd prefer for him to go to a good artist and spend a decent amount of money on a tattoo, reiterated my offer to get him a tat with my artist as a Christmas gift, but ultimately I understand he's going to do what he wants to do.  

I must accept my revised job description as a mother.  My heavy lifting is over.  It's his life. I've got to let him live it.

**************************************

UPDATE

So, after calling Son on his bluff, he called back and agreed to my offer of giving him money for a tattoo in lieu of, or as, a Christmas gift.  I tried to schedule him an appointment with my tattoo artist, but he was all booked up and couldn't get him in before he goes back to school.  So Son did his own research found an artist, and this is the final result:

I'm actually glad it worked out the way it did.  He found his own artist and went to his appointment by himself and I only served in an advisory capacity when he had questions.  I'm glad he did it on his own an ended up with exactly what HE wanted.  He's happy, so I'm happy, and it all worked out the way it was supposed to.

Why don't you just GO AWAY??

Anyone who has been married or in a long-term relationship may have encountered this problem: your ex just will not go away and get out of your life as thoroughly as you would like them to. While you are in the relationship, it is ideal for your mate and your family to have a good, fairly close relationship. However, what happens when your relationship ends? What happens to her shopping trips with your sister, or his Sunday Night Football games with your brother? What do you do when your ex is lurking around on Facebook, commenting on your niece's dance recital photos, asking your cousin how her new baby is doing, or swapping inside jokes with your dad? This is particularly troublesome in divorce situations, when your family was, at some point, actually their family, and your family members weren't privy to all of the things that made you hate this individual to the point where you wanted to relationship to end.

These actions by themselves are a major annoyance to you, but then when you start dating again and develop a serious relationship with someone else, the problem becomes tenfold. I am actually experiencing this problem right now, and am somewhat at a loss as to how to address it. For one, no matter how serious I believe my relationship with my beau (of 4 years) to be, we are still at the status of boyfriend and girlfriend, not engaged or married, so the seriousness of our relationship could conceivably (if not realistically) be questioned. Perhaps my family is reluctant to completely cut ties with this person in favor of someone who, as far as they are concerned, could be gone next week. Now, I am exaggerating a bit; I know my family realizes that, after 4 years, my beau is more than just a passing fling to me, but I do think there may be something to be said about the "official-ness" of our relationship (or lack thereof).  Part of me feels like such a confrontation would be premature, and perhaps I need to just wait it out and the problem will take care of itself.

Secondly, I think a major driving factor behind all this is my ex himself. From what I can assess on Facebook, my siblings, cousins and friends aren't really reaching out to him; he is the one lurking and interjecting himself into their lives. (My parents are a bit of a different matter; I am convinced that they are pretty much clueless as to how anything makes me feel, and often go out of their way (in my mind) to still do things for and interact with my ex, presumably for the sake of my kids, but who actually knows). I really think he does this on purpose, to assert his perceived "status" among the members of my family, as opposed to my beau's new and growing relationship with my family. I know what you all are thinking: Just say something to your ex and tell him to leave your family alone. Yes, loved ones, I have already thought about this, but it is one of those situations where as soon as you let someone know that something they are doing annoys you, it only prompts them to childishly do it more because their mission is being accomplished. I feel like the moment I say something, I will just get that shitty little smug laugh that makes me want to punch him in the face, and my Facebook notifications from him will go through the roof. I just don't want to give him that satisfaction. I personally don't deal with his family at all by my own choice, but perhaps because I was never much attached to them in the first place.

What I cannot understand is how the ex's current boo-thang tolerates all of this. If I were her, I would want him to be focused on establishing a new life and connections with me and my family, not trying to hold onto the family of a chick who kicked him to the curb and going out of his way to remain a relevant factor among her people. If I saw my beau chumming it up with his ex's family members, I would be highly irritated and would have probably said something to him myself. But, for whatever reason, whether it's because she doesn't care or because he doesn't care that she cares (knowing him, probably the latter), her protests (or lack thereof) have had no impact on the situation.

All I know is that something must be done, and I have the uncomfortable feeling that it is not going to be pleasant or pretty when it does go down. I am trying to figure out a way to handle this tactfully and effectively in a way that doesn't make me seem like the Petty Bitch. After all, I do still have children with this person, so some level of civility must be maintained, but I also must protect my beau's feelings and usher in the New World Order in which he and I are (or eventually will be) a new family unit, and demand respect for that status. The fact that people have not figured this out on their own and changed their behavior accordingly already tells me that this will be a confrontation, not a conversation. Or perhaps I am blowing this out of proportion, and all that is needed is for me to shed a soft, gentle light on the situation. Or perhaps we just need to adjust our reaction to the situation and see it for what it really is: a pathetic, displaced man who is outside in the cold trying to peer in, and hasn't quite figured out that he just need to keep it moving.

For now I am just biding my time, plotting my strategy, and waiting for the appropriate circular stone-encrusted metal object with which to strike. But I still wonder... am I just overreacting? Is my ex stepping over the line? Is my family stepping over the line by not drawing a line? I just don't want this to be a problem that gets dragged into my new life and festers as resentment toward my family,or becomes a big ugly blow up that levels everything in its path. I just want my ex to go away and get his own new life and family, and leave mine the hell alone.

Think Before You Rant

Relationship problems. We all have them. Or have dealt with them. Most relationship problems are your garden variety, "Why didn't you take out the trash/You always hog the remote/You want me to put that WHERE??" type of disputes. But every serious relationship has gone through or will go through at least one Big Problem. The type of problem that has you wondering if you've made a mistake by even being with this person and whether you want to continue with that mistake. They are perfectly normal, and most of the time you work through them and live happily ever after.

But what about that time period between wondering and happily ever after? That time period when you are wrestling with your feelings and thoughts and doubts and fears and anger and sadness? Many of us make the mistake of turning to our friends. But you ask, isn't that what friend are there for? To support you and help you through your troubles? Well.... yes and no.

The mistake people make is by telling their friends every single sordid detail about their dispute with their mate. You do an emotional dump and just get all that nasty stuff off of your chest. Your friend makes you feel better; takes your side, validates you, tells you that you are right and that asshole/bitch was wrong and who the fugg needs 'em anyway?? And then you decide to work through your problems with your mate and everything is sunshine and kittens once again.

But, remember how you told your homeboy about how your lady slapped your momma and then made out with your third cousin? Or how you told your homegirl that your dude took your car and was spotted joyriding with scallywags on 38th Street? Yea, you may have forgave and forgotten, but your friend didn't. They didn't have the Power of the Poon/Peen benefit of in depth communication between the parties in interest to change their perspective on the situation. And the last thing your friend remembers is your vehement arguments as to why your mate is a piece of shit. However, now all of the sudden these friends are expected to act like nothing happened. It's like asking a court reporter to strike testimony or evidence from the record that the jury has already heard; it doesn't work in the courtroom, and it doesn't work in life either.

Most friends do play along with the legal/life fiction that nothing happened, and chalk it up to it just being typical relationship shit, because we have all been on both the giving and receiving end of this scenario. Nevertheless, the reality is that friends are placed in an awkward situation when you dump your relationship problems on them. Their loyalty as your friend is to you, and it is only natural that they don't want to see you hurt. By telling them about all of the details of your dispute with your mate, you are positioning your mate in your friend's mind as the Enemy, that person that made you hurt and cry. Friends aren't there for the make-up sex and reconciliation; they are there when you are at your worst, and that is what they remember. Even if your friends go along as if nothing happened just as you are, you have still made your mate seem like a horrible person to them, and that memory lingers. And in a way, you also make yourself look like an idiot fool for going back to them. Either way, it's just not a good look for anyone involved.

So, unless you have retained an attorney and are drawing up the divorce papers, don't tell your friends about every argument and craptastic thing your mate has done to you. And even then, people get back together (I recently had a friend do that, and the first time I saw her out with her no-longer-estranged husband was kind of aw-kward). Better yet, it is probably best to just keep it to yourself, because you don't know what is going to happen a day or week or month later, and most likely it'll be that you two will kiss and make up. Your friends can still be there for you for emotional support, but keep it generic. They can know that you are going through it with your ladyfriend/gentleman lover without having to know EVERYTHING. Also, pick and choose to whom you tell what. Some friends just know when you are talking shit or being irrational and have no problems telling you so, while others will take everything you say to heart and be ready to ride out on a bitch declare your mate Public Enemy No. 1. It is called discretion, and we all need to exercise more of it (and I won't even get started on Twitter and Facebook.... some people treat that as their personal open forum relationship therapy sharing session; we don't need to know all that about you and your boo).

Yes, the urge to relationship rant is strong, and we all succumb to it at times, and as human beings and social creatures we will continue to give it and receive it. However, next time you have to urge to get something off of your chest, just think about where that something goes, and what it does when it gets there.

Out With The Old

Since my divorce and radical personal transformation I have been in the gradual process of purging and replacing everything.  At first I was focused on the major things.  I replaced my car (twice), my TV, my bedroom furniture, and even my hair.

Lately I have been getting into and trying to implement principles from The Secret, which basically explains the Laws of Attraction.  In a nutshell, the Laws of Attraction are based on the premise that like attracts like, and we have the power to visualize what we want (and sometimes what we don't want) in our minds to attract it to us.  It has been a bit of a work in progress; my lawyer brain struggles to believe that we can control the Universe with our thoughts, but I'm trying to be positive about it, which at the very least is a good way to be in general, whether you believe you can correct your own eyesight by believing you can see better or cause checks to spontaneously flood into your mailbox.  But this is not about that.

One chapter of the audiobook that caught my attention was the section on relationships.  Now, this is one area where I do believe what you think and how you feel dictates what type of people and energy you attract.  If you are a negative person, you will continue to attract drama and negativity, and same for the converse.  One example that was given in the book was of a woman who wanted to meet Mr. Right and had thus far had no luck.  Besides visualizing the type of person she wanted to meet, someone pointed out to her that she always parked in the middle of her garage and told her that she was not behaving in a way which indicated to the Universe that she wanted to share her space-- and life-- with someone else.  So the woman started parking on one side of the garage, and lo and behold she meets the man of her dreams.

I don't know if moving a car five feet to the left was the direct cause of this woman meeting her soul mate.  But what I do believe is that symbolic act put her in the mindset where she was open to meeting someone, and it caused her to give off the vibes that attracted that person to her.  Part of the laws of attraction is to behave in a way that is consistent with what you want in your life.

Which then got me to thinking.......I looked down at my left hand.  I always wore a ring on my middle finger that was a lovely Sajen moon face carved out of bone that looked like this:

I bought it when I quit wearing my wedding ring, as a "replacement" of sorts.  I got tons of compliments on it over the years, and it was so well loved that the little face had worn so flat that it was barely distinguishable.  Even though I wore it on my middle finger, I thought to myself "When I do get married again, there is no way I would be wearing this on my middle finger next to my wedding ring" (because I am a one ring per hand kind of girl).  I also thought about what the ring had symbolized for me, which was "I am single now."  That symbolism is in direct conflict with what I want for my life, which is to get married again.  So I took it off and put it away in a box.

Which then got me to thinking.........what other symbolic things in my life were conflicting with my ultimate goal for my relationship?  I started by looking down.  I have been into piercings and body art since the age of 18, but now all I have left piercing-wise are 2 gauge stretched ears, a navel ring, and an..... um..... "intimate" piercing.  The jewelry I was wearing I'd had for YEARS, because I have been long past the stage of constantly buying new jewelry, and the piercings were just there because they were just a part of me in my adult life.  But I got to thinking about that fact, and the fact that they had been with me THE ENTIRE TIME from the end of my marriage, through the "dating", up to this point where I am in my current relationship, and instantly decided:  they had to go, ASAP.  I wanted my beau to be the only person with the pleasure and privilege of touching the jewelry in these special places, just as I want him to be the only person who touches me period.  So I got on Amazon at 1:30 a.m. and ordered a new navel ring (with my zodiac sign, Cancer, because I just cannot resist the double entendre of the symbol) and a new..... um......"intimate" ring, and I finally got both of them in the mail.

Cancers have the best symbol

 I feel better already.

I threw the old belly ring in a box, and the old "other" jewelry straight in the trash.  I actually had started the "jewelry purge" a few years ago when I sold my Tiffany lock necklace that The Ex had got me for Christmas one year (one, because I was no longer going to acquiesce in his little joke that he had me on "lock"..... ha! and two, because I was broke) and my beau bought me a new Tiffany peace necklace which I wear 355 our of 365 days a year.  But I hadn't thought about  the symbolism and implications of the other jewelry until recently.

So now my mission is to identify all of the things-- big and small-- in my life that symbolically are connected with the past and are in conflict with my relationship moving forward to the next level.  I know that these things can't speed up or force the hand of the other person in this equation, but I know in my mind and spirit that I will be fully prepared for what comes next.

These Three Words

I don't write about relationships much anymore.  When I was "going through it" so to speak in the relationship department, I had all sorts of advice for everyone.  I could write weekly, if not daily, about the interactions between men and women and what should and shouldn't be done.  However, since I have been in a happy, committed relationship for some time now, I find that I just have a lot less to say.  

Seems counter-intuitive, right?  I should be able to give you all lots of advice about what one should do to get where I am (assuming that you would like to be in a steady, committed relationship).  Eh, not really.  I could tell you "Be willing to hop in the car at an hour's notice and drive two hours with the ultimate goal of getting a blueberry grilled cheese donut" or "Watch Scott Pilgrim vs. the World together until you can recite the whole thing" or "Cook vegetarian food together".... but none of those things would mean a damn thing to you, and some of the things I might tell you that make my relationship tick just might get you dumped.  

But, I am not completely heartless, and I won't leave you out in the cold, standing on the outside looking in to wonder "WTF are they so happy about??"  I will share with you a precious nugget of relationship wisdom that I guarantee will improve your life, smooth over rough patches, and just make your lives a helluva lot more pleasant.  Just three little words.......

"Please" and "Thank You"

Yup, that's it.  Not "I love you."  Not "I am sorry."  Say please and thank you.  Early and often.  

Here's the thing..... at the fundamental core of every relationship, everyone wants to feel respected and appreciated.  Take those two things away-- respect and appreciation-- and you have set your relationship up for failure or interlopers or both.  A HUGE reason why people cheat is because the outside person made them feel respected and appreciated (in its own oddly disrespectful way) when their own mate did not.  Incorporating please and thank you into your discourse is a very simple, painless way to stave off the erosion of those two fundamental necessities.

For example:

"Did you take the trash out yet?" vs. "Could you please take the trash out?"

"I need you to pick up the kids; I have a meeting." vs. "Could you please pick up the kids for me so I can go to this meeting?"

The absence of please comes off as nagging, commanding, ordering, demanding.  You can accomplish the same result with a lot less resentment by just remembering to say please.  It shows respect and consideration for the other person's time and efforts.  

And the same with thank you.  You would be amazed at how often people forget to say this simple phrase, and the resentment it causes.  Not saying thank you comes off almost as if you are entitled to certain favors or treatment without question.  Or at the very least, it shows a lack of appreciation, and everyone wants to feel appreciated.  And don't save thank yous just for extraordinary feats. Making dinner, putting your clothes in the dryer, clearing your plate from the table, opening your car door.... these all deserve a thank you.  Again, a lack of thank yous causes resentment, which then causes people to stop going out of their way for you, which then causes you to stop going out of your way for them, which then causes a vicious downward spiral into the break-up abyss.  

I have been in a relationship where it seemed like I was just expected to do certain things without much appreciation or consideration.  And it sucked.  Even though he constantly told me "I love you" to the point where it was borderline annoying, I feel a lot more loved in my relationship now where we use please and thank you with each other a lot more frequently.  It makes me feel valued, which in turn makes me feel loved.

So just try it. Focus less on the "I love yous" (though saying that is important as well) and make more of a conscious effort to say please and thank you to your mate and see what happens.  You can even take it a step further and explicitly say to him or her every so often "I really appreciate you being in my life."  Bottom line, show your respect and appreciation for everything your mate does before somebody else does it for you.

I'm Rubber, You're Glue

It goes without saying that divorces involving children are messy.  VERY messy.  Not only are you trying to maintain your own sanity, but you're also making sure that you don't permanently destroy the emotional health of innocent kids in the process.  Even after the divorce is over and everyone has settled down into their new roles, the kids still make things messy.  

Kids are like little (or big) balls of that thick paste you used to use when you were in kindergarden.  Everyone they touch gets all stuck together.   I always tell unhappily married childless couples to GET OUT NOW BEFORE YOU HAVE CHILDREN!!!  It just seems like it would be a helluva lot easier to hit the reset button, go on about your separate lives, and just pretend the whole unfortunate thing you called a marriage never happened.  But with kids, you are stuck dealing with this person for the rest of your life.  No, not just til the kid is 18..... the rest of your life.  The last person you want to deal with in life is the first person showing up at anything of major importance to your common offspring.  And then there's the coordination of co-parenting and attempting to work out expenses, and blah blah blah blah blah.... all the things that make you wish you'd just kept your damn pants on in the first place.  No matter how far you try to get away from the person, they just keep. Coming. BACK.

But the kids don't just put their imaginary glue all over you and your ex-spouse.  It also get stuck to any person who has ever cared about your kid, including friends your ex got custody of in the divorce and, yes, your ex's subsequent boo thangs (usually girlfriends, but I guess guys could get attached to other people's kids, too.... I've seen it happen).  My ex dated a woman for several years after our divorce, but it just didn't work out, probably because he went and had a kid with another woman.  You know, the little things that tend to piss women off.  Anyway, as what usually occurs between ex-girls and next-girls, we weren't exactly friends, and she probably hated me for doing whatever The Ex told her that I did to him, and I wasn't too fond of her because she surely sided with his version of life, but there was never any overt hostility ('cuz I see no point in squabbling with some woman over a man I do not want).  But even though they have parted ways, she still has a relationship with my kids.  My daughter goes to spend the night at her house and visits her and her family on holidays; my son still works for her in the summer and she asks him to do speaking engagements for her job.  I even felt compelled to send her an invitation to my son's graduation even though I'm sure The Ex would not have bothered.  Sure, I could be petty and attempt to block her continuining relationship with my kids, but in all fairness, she was a major part of my kids' lives for about three years, and she really does care about them. Still, though, it is a bit awkward at times when I'm sitting there thinking "I'm pretty sure you hated my ever loving guts about 18 months ago" but still having to be cool...... again, for the emotional sanity of the kids. 

Then I have another situation with my sticky children involving a friend I lost (or rather, abandoned) in the divorce.  My former high school BFF and I fell out shortly before my divorce, and she continued to be friends with The Ex.  My son is going off to college on the east coast and, coincidentally, will be about an hour from where she lives now.  I thought I had this girl out of my life for good and for the better, but now she is back wanting to play the auntie role with my son.  She has been trying to convince my son to move out east early and stay with her, against my wishes, better judgment, and desire that he stay here, get a job, and spend his last few months with his real family.  However, because she and I are no longer friends, she apparently does not care what my wishes are for my own child.  I just want her to go away and stay out of my life where I put her for good, but no, my sticky kids keep her around on the edges of my life. 

And on it goes..... ex-in-laws, old friends, new girlfriends, new ex-girlfriends, and anyone else who, if you had your choice, you would never speak to ever again in life.  But the little sticky glue ball kids walk around through life touching all of these people, and they all end up sticking back on to you. And the kids don't understand why you don't like this person or would prefer to keep them several arms' lengths from your life, so to them you just look mean and petty if you don't at least remain neutral.  I understand that when your kids are younger, you have much more control over who your child is around (I'm not suggesting sending your 3 year old off with your ex's last jump off), but when they are older like my kids (18 and 13), they have more control over who they want to associate with.  And unfortunately that often means you need to put your petty feelings aside and just accept that certain people will always be stuck around the fringes of your life.  

Divorces (where people act like adults) take a lot of restraint and emotional maturity when kids are involved.  I just never realized I'd get stuck with all these other people that I'd have to exercise this maturity with as well.  I just want to be rubber and bounce all these people far away from me, but kids... they just have to be glue. 

Evolution

"You've changed."

Of course I have changed.  I am no longer the sad, frustrated, misunderstood, repressed individual that you knew back then.  I no longer have to pretend that I want a life that I am clearly unhappy with; clear to everyone but myself.  I have found the peace of self-acceptance and the courage to want more.

"You've changed."

Of course I have changed.  I am older, more experienced, wiser.  I have seen the errors in my ways and have worked hard to correct them.  I have been consumed by the fires of life and rose from the ashes like a phoenix.  My new crown of locs is my plumage, not an act of vanity. My mistakes do not repeat. 

"You've changed."

Of course I have changed.  I am now with someone who loves me for me, not who he wants me to be.  I have been allowed to be at peace with myself, to be comfortable in my own skin, to rejoice in my idiosyncrasies.  I no longer have to hide or shove myself into ill fitting spaces, just to appease you.

"You've changed."

Of course I have changed. As I age I am more concerned about my physical and mental well-being.  I am conscious of the foods I put into my body, and I want my kids to have healthy, well-balanced meals.  I have someone who inspires and encourages me to stay active.  I refuse to let myself go.

"You've changed."

Of course I have changed.  My children are older, they are becoming individuals.  I cannot parent them as I did when they were small.  They need more guidance, order and structure, and I have to wield a firmer hand at 13 than I did at 3.  My kids may not like it, but they love and respect me for it.

"You've changed."

Of course I have changed.  I have realized that my "dream job" was always someone else's dream, and I stopped thinking of myself as a failure for not wanting the dream that you wanted for me.  I am relieved that I no longer have to provide anyone else with unearned status and legitimacy.    

"You've changed."

Of course I have changed.  We all should change.  Nobody should remain in the same station in life as they were at 17, 23, or 29.  We should all want more, want better, make adjustments, correct errors, build upon life.  You will not keep me down on your level by stifling and criticizing my personal growth.

"You've changed."

No, I have not changed.... I have evolved.

The Space Between

Disclaimer:  I love supporting local talent.  However, I only support local talent that I truly believe is great.... not by local standards, but by national standards.  Or my standards.  Which isn't always the same thing.  Bottom line, I will only support and endorse talent that I would have no problem telling a friend in D.C., or California, or Minnesota, to check out.  So, with that said.......

Click here to experience and download some great music

Bashiri Asad.....The Space Between.  I have been a fan of Bashiri for some time now.  I used to work across the street from the City Market where occasionally he and Xenobia Green would perform, and right before lunch time I could hear the music from across the street and immediately say "Ah, Bashiri is performing today!"  He is truly an Indianapolis gem.  He performs some amazing covers (because Indianapolis loves their cover performances) but his original work is equally impressive.  I was lucky enough to give a copy of his latest project, The Space Between, and have been thoroughly impressed.  This is definitely a CD that will stay in my car stereo and playing on my computer at work. 


If you are a fan of R&B, or soul, or neo-soul, or good music, or LOVE..... check out where love is really found......The Space Between.

Find Bahiri Asad here:
Web: Bashiri Asad
Twitter: @Bashiri08
Facebook:  http://www.facebook.com/bashiri.asad

The First of the Last

Today marked a historic day for me:  It was my Son's first day of his senior year of high school.  His last first day of school.  Just about every parent has pictures of their child on their 1st first day of school… the new outfit, crisp school supplies, the little backpack, and snaggletooth grin as your baby took his or her first steps towards being a big kid heading off to real school.  As you go through the years you find yourself saying "Ugh!  I can't wait until he graduates!"  That is, until it is actually staring you in the face.  As my son went through high school, I knew that I would have to face this day and I thought I had mentally prepared myself for it.  Well, I guess I didn't plan well enough.  As I left the house this morning, my beau asked if I was ok and I assured him that yes, I was fine.  I drove up to Son's high school to see the traditional TPing of the school by the seniors, which Son had participated in (wearing a full Tarzan costume) the night before.  Winding up the drive between trees covered in miles of toilet paper, I thought about the first day I dropped my son off at that high school, with the same trees covered in TP from that year's seniors.  I was still ok, but I knew that my calm façade was hiding the emotion beneath the surface, and it was just a matter of time before it sprang forth.  Unfortunately, it didn't wait until I got home and I have been one weepy employee all day.

I know that all parents get emotional at the thought of their child, especially their first child, reaching the official end of their childhood, getting ready to go off into the world as a (legal) adult, the "emptying of the nest" so to speak.  But for me, it goes much deeper.  When I was at my son's age, he was already a year and a half old. This day seemed light years and infinite impossibilities away. I myself still had to go to college, go to grad school, make life mistakes, grow and develop while simultaneously getting that baby boy to the point he is at now—an honor student and star football player at one of the best private high schools in the state.  I cannot even put the struggle into words, and indeed I don't.  Whenever someone asks me "How in the hell did you graduate from high school with honors, graduate from undergrad with honors, graduate from law school with honors, and become a lawyer, all while raising young children?" my answer is always "I don't know… I just did it."  My tears are not just tears of sadness; they are tears of relief, triumph, joy, exhaustion, and pride both in my son and in me—a full glass case of emotion.  Yes, all parents have their struggles, but you have to admit….. I pulled off an impossible—or at the least, highly statistically improbable—feat.  Most people have trouble with either being an honor student or raising an honor student exclusively.  I did BOTH. Simultaneously.  And for that, I think I deserve a few moments of emotion and reflection.

And celebration, dammit!  Yes, we still have the school year ahead and much work to do, getting him through all his honors classes, getting him into college (and a good financial aid package, because momma is still Sallie Mae's indentured servant herself), and hopefully through another championship football season.  But I think for right now, after work I am going to set the sadness aside and celebrate this small, yet monumental, milestone victory.  A Bazbeaux veggie pizza with extra goat cheese and a bottle of red wine to celebrate embarking on the final chapter of the first volume of my Son's life, and I shall toast to victories won and those yet to be accomplished.

My UPDATED Dating Personality

A few years ago, I took the highly entertaining, yet eerily accurate, OK Cupid Dating Persona Test, consisting of 32 "dating types" possible (16 male and 16 female) based on a 4 factor combination (Random vs. Deliberate, Gentle vs. Brutal, Sex vs. Love, Master vs. Dreamer). My result back then: The Playstation (Random Gentle Sex Master).  Admittedly, I was simultaneously in a very bad, but very fun, place. My overarching mentality was "fuckit". And my dating personality definitely reflected that.

Fast forward three years. I decided to take the Dating Personality Test again to see just where I am now. And the results are...... *drumroll please*

The Peach

Random Gentle Love Master (RGLM)

"Playful, kind, and well-loved, you are The Peach.

For such a warm-hearted, generous person, you’re surprisingly experienced in both love and sex. We credit your spontaneous side; you tend to live in the moment, and you don’t get bogged down by inhibitions like most women your age. If you see something wonderful, you confidently embrace it.
You are a fun flirt and an instant sweetheart, but our guess is you’re becoming more selective about long-term love. It’s getting tougher for you to become permanently attached; and a guy who’s in a different place emotionally might misunderstand your early enthusiasm. You can wreck someone simply by enjoying him.
Your ideal mate is adventurous and giving, like you. But not overly intense."





Your exact female opposite:
The Nymph - Deliberate Brutal Sex Dreamer

Consider:
The Loverboy (RGLM)
The Playboy (RGSM)
The Boy Next Door (RGLD)

Always Avoid:
The False Messiah (DBLM)

I am pretty pleased with the result.  I went from a Random Gentle Sex Master to Random Gentle Love Master.  I know that I have evolved over the years, but I was somewhat worried that I had changed way too much, gone "soft."  Apparently, not so.  I am still the same fun-loving, spontaneous, free-spirited person, but with one very important change:  "you’re becoming more selective about long-term love."  Being a Playstation was fun, life as a Peach is much, much more satisfying.

Open Letter to my Parents

Dear Parental Units,

I think we need to have a little chat. I realize that divorce doesn't just affect the couple and the kids, but involves everyone in the family. You get used to having someone around for 14 years and then all the sudden they have been cut out of the picture and you may not even be privy to the reasons why (though if you cared, you would ask and try to understand....but you didn't). In somewhat fairness to you guys, this is exactly what happened. What makes it even more complex is that you, and especially dad, had to be parent figures to The Ex in a more literal sense than just that of in-laws since we had been together since we were 15 years old, he didn't have his dad around and had a mother who was too busy going to the gambling boat and to the Caribbean to pay him much mind. I understand all of that, and I understand that for whatever reason, you might actually still like this person that I now try my hardest to only slightly loathe. After all, you were not there when he was making bad choices for our household, treating me like I was an idiot, putting holes in my walls, spending my money indiscriminately like he was the one who graduated from law school and was earning the majority of the money, disregarding my feelings, and just generally not being a good match for me when I finally grew up and became my own person (a person which I'm sure you don't really even know). But things have changed, and I need for you to recognize that. I know it may be harder for you to cut him out of your lives than it has been for me, and that you may still have some sort of affection for this individual.

But hello.... hi.... remember me, your actual flesh and blood daughter??

I wish you would get a clue and realize that I am no longer married, have not been married in over 3 years, and thus my ex husband is no longer your son-in-law. I wish you would realize that, hey, I am your daughter and thus your loyalties should lie with me, not him. I wish you would recognize that I have moved on and have someone new in my life that I love and who will eventually (hopefully) become your new son-in-law soon. I wish you would realize that this person and I no longer get along. But no, you constantly desire to disregard and step on toes and disrespect and not realize there is a new world order and that everyone needs to get with the program. It was bad enough that you weren't there for me while I was actually going through the divorce, but this has gone on long enough and needs to STOP.

That time when dad came to Son's football game and walked right past me and my beau to go sit with The Ex, his mother and her boyfriend, and his new baby momma without saying hi to us, then later coming to sit with us toward the end of the game?? Not cool. Talking and laughing it up when we're at Daughter's cheerleading competition and hardly acknowledging The Beau's and my presence?? Not gonna cut it. Dad involving himself in the middle of a misunderstanding between The Ex and The Beau that The Ex should have just been able to handle himself like any other real man would do?? Nu-uhh.

Mom, though you never wanted to acknowledge it with us, you of all people know how this divorce thing works and the feelings involved and the changes that must be made to the family structure. How would you have felt if Grandma and Grandpa had ignored and disregarded Dad, and every time you turned around they were being chummy with my sister's father? Dad, how would you feel if they always acted like you weren't now the most important man in Mom's life? Neither one of you would have liked that scenario, so why can't I get the same consideration?

Now, I do realize that I am not yet remarried, and perhaps that is why you have been slow to make changes. But c'mon, Mom and Dad, it has been three years that The Beau and I have been together. Obviously this isn't just a passing fling. I do not want to have to wait until after I am married and have a huge blow up in order to make you realize that how you have been acting is not cool. Our family already isn't the closest, and I do not want this to be an unnecessary reason for causing more distance between us. Do you want to be part of my new life and eventually my new family? Yes? Well, some changes are going to need to happen first.

I guess I am just going to have to make my feelings explicit, and hopefully this time you will actually pay attention to me instead of just changing the subject. Perhaps for once you will try to understand me and change you actions because you actually do care how I feel. Maybe.

Love,
Your Daughter

P.S. Please pass this along to The Ex: "Stay the fuck away from my family.They are not your family anymore, so quit trying to involve yourself, quit calling my dad for advice or to "tattle" on me, quit trying to act like I didn't kick your ass to the curb for good reason. Your voice grates on my nerves like a thousand nails on a chalkboard and I wish you would shut up with your incessant talking. Quit stalking my family on Facebook and asking me about people's new jobs or babies, because they are absolutely none of your concern. I didn't need your words of sympathy when my favorite artist died, because you only liked her because I liked her, and I really don't care that you regret never getting to see her in concert. And PLEASE STOP with the.attempts to go down memory lane every single fucking time you speak to me. I'm sick of hearing "Remember that time when we...." No, I probably don't because I was miserable with you back then, even before I realized it, so my brain has selectively blocked out much of my past. You have your own new little family now that you had even before the divorce decree was signed. And why don't you go try to be a daddy to that baby you accidentally brought into this world with some other random chick instead of meddling in my world? You have a helluva lot of other things in your life to worry about besides what's going on in mine and my family's. I don't know what you are trying to do or prove, but all the proof that is needed is that divorce decree, my new last name, and the fact that I have moved on with someone else who loves me the way that I need and deserve to be loved. Go away. You are not wanted or needed. You lose. Good day."

Indecent Proposals??

 

No.  Just...... no.

Last night I was sitting at home searching for bootleg movies to watch online watching one of my favorite TV shows online (which I can't watch due to my crappy sans FX satellite package), Nip/Tuck (and I watched it on Hulu, so it was perfectly legal..... well, except for that last episode.....). In one of the episodes, Sean's girlfriend proposes marriage to him..... presented a ring and everything. After which he ended up taking too many sleeping pills and booze and damn near killed himself (sorry if that was a spoiler for anyone, but you knew they were not going to let him actually die).

So that got me thinking... do women actually do that, or was this just another wild scenario on this wild ass show (see photo of Mario Lopez, supra)? And, if not, SHOULD women start doing this? After all, I always hear men talking about how they would love if a woman approached them and asked them out, a situation that I'm sure was unfathomable 50 years ago. Is the marriage proposal next on the feminist agenda's chopping block? Should I get on the next wave and come up with a line of male engagement rings, make lots of money and retire to Mexico with a Mario Lopez body double?

I conducted a scientific survey.... ok, so I asked some folks on Twitter.... to see how people felt about women getting down on one knee (but not two, cuz that's an entirely different discussion). The overwhelming response was NO....this is a man's job, period.

loryn24 @DaughterOfPriam times have def changed, I believe in wmn's equality, but there r SOME things better left to a man. Proposals are 1 of them

kellinikole @DaughterOfPriam I think that tends to be a little emasculating. I don't think there is anything wrong with bringing up the convo, but I'd leave it up to the dude, to do the knee and ring deal.

WifeofUriah @DaughterOfPriam NO way. We are equal 2 men in some ways, other ways we are not. Marriage is equal, roles are different. proposal is his.

gabeflowers @DaughterOfPriam It can work 4 some but I would never have the balls! There's something about a man knowing he's ready and taking that step.

gabeflowers @DaughterOfPriam Plus, I wouldn't want to rob him of that moment!

And these responses came from educated, free-thinking, independent women. And as another woman who fits that description, I'm inclined to agree.

I would consider myself to be not so much old fashioned, but more like retro. I recognize not everything from the past is outdated and that timeless things should be preserved. I shake my head at the ultra feminists.... women who refuse to take their husband's name (aside from some VERY compelling professional reason, and even then there's hyphenation), women who name their daughters junior, women who really need to go put on a bra and women who just take "equality" to its illogical extreme. I believe in fairness, but fairness does not equal mirror image equality. There are just certain roles that a man should play and certain roles a woman should play in this complicated game we call relationships.

For example, as a woman I don't feel like I should have to do things like make all the the trips to Home Depot, and I don't expect my man to be all up in Pier 1. Sure, there's overlap and we can help each other (I really do enjoy putting furniture together). But if I'm the one constantly pulling out the lawnmower and putting in the rocks in the landscaping and installing the ceiling fan (these are true stories, BTW), there's a problem. And if he's wearing my fishnets, there's DEFINITELY a problem. Yes, I can stain and polyurethane, but dammit I shouldn't HAVE to. Not as my primary role, anyway.

Men and women each bring something unique to a relationship, and when you try and serve in the other person's role you're going to either get a) a bootleg job, b) that person not receiving what they need from you because you are too occupied with doing their job, c) resentment, or d) all of the above. You should be able to own your unique gender attributes without the distraction of having to take on and compensate for the other gender's, too.

So going back to my original point.... Men should be the ones doing the proposing. Period. You can discuss the issue and arrive at an agreement together that marriage is the next step for your relationship (I don't believe in blindsiding someone with a ring), but the actual question popping should be reserved for the man. I'm inclined to agree with the one response that opined that the woman proposing is somewhat emasculating (but not quite as emasculating as what was done to Mario, supra). There may be women out there who LIKE their men neutered, but personally I don't. I like gender roles, I like the idea of the man being the head of my household, I like the idea of just being able to be a woman.

So ladies, I'm sorry if you are just dying to get engaged....this is still something you're just going to have to wait for him to do.

(originally posted November 3, 2009 on Idiosyncratic Thoughts of an Unheeded Prophetess)

MILF Status: Earned, not Given

I think everyone in the free world (and a few in the oppressed one) know what the term "MILF" is. Made popular by the classic comedy, American Pie, MILF stands for the less than elegant title of, "Mom I'd Like To F*ck." It is used to refer to a woman who, although she is a mother, is still very sexy.  I see the term thrown around a lot by mothers of all ages; however when it comes to the term MILF, I am a purist that sticks to the true original spirit of the term from the movie: teenage boys standing around lusting after Stiffler's Mom. However, I've been more than slightly annoyed by what I believe is misuse and abuse of the term by those who have not yet earned the right to be called a MILF.

Stiffler's Mom: The original MILF

This may piss some moms out there off, but if your oldest child is not at least a teenager, you cannot truly call yourself a MILF. If it is only grown ass men who are lusting after you and you happen to be a mother, you are not a MILF. A MILF in training, yes, but not a full fledged, fully vested MILF.  The status of MILF is one that is earned, not bestowed merely because you had a child. MILFs stand the test of time and say to the world "Yes, after 16 years of the stress, drama, drinking and work of raising this child, I still look fucking awesome." It makes me mad when I see some woman with a 2 year old calling herself a MILF. No. Stop. Of course it is easy to still look good two years after you had a kid. I looked fucking awesome at 18 and 22. And yes, grown men are still going to find you attractive and want to have sex with you regardless of how old your kids are (or aren't). That's pretty much a no brainer. The ruler measuring MILF status is not held by your peers, but by your kids' peers. Going by the original, American Pie standard of what is considered a MILF, it is a woman who is so beautiful and/or sexy that she arouses the desires of teenage boys, teenage boys who are around perfect specimens of young females every single day.
 

Let me stop and throw out some disclaimers here. You should not throw yourself at young UNDERAGE boys. Flirting with them, buying them things, purposefully being scantily clad around them is NOT cool. It makes you look like a thirsty old pedophile skeezer and can backfire terribly if you have misjudged your MILF status. Even if you are attractive, it is not a good look. In fact, you should never even have occasion to learn of your successful induction into the secret society of MILFs directly from the source, but rather by subtle hints picked up from your own teenager, such as him being overly critical of your attire when you're going to be around his friends, or telling you that he almost had to beat his teammate's ass for staring or commenting about your appearance. You should not seek to test your MILF status (or lack thereof) by preying on UNDERAGE boys. That's just nasty. MILF status should remain a theoretical concept, not an actual one. That being said, I think MILF status can extend generally to any woman who has teenage (and up) kids who does not look like she has teenage children, regardless of whether any teens have expressed actual desire or not. But the key here is still the fact that your appearance and sex appeal have lasted (or improved) throughout the years and you have not turned into someone resembling Bleeker's mom from Juno ("Bleeker's mom was possibly attractive once, but now she looks like a Hobbit. You know, the fat one, that was in the Goonies.").

NOT a MILF

I realize that I may have a slight advantage over most other mothers of 16 year olds, being that I am only 15.7 years older than my Son. And to that I say…. tough crap, sorry for ya, and I am quite sure if given the opportunity to switch places with me, you wouldn't. This is my consolation prize for giving up my youth, the fact that I will still look good when my son leaves for college while all my other friends will be mere hopeful MILFs-in-training that will be in their late 40s when they finally become eligible for MILF status, as opposed to me being in my early 30s at the start of my eligibility. C'est la vie.

However, there is one disadvantage to being a young MILF: while your teenager's friends may be eyeing you, your teenager may be eyeing your friends. I have friends who are only about 10 years older than my Son. To put this into perspective, a good friend of mine is about to marry a guy 9 years her junior. My Son has actually threatened me in a joking-but-not-so-joking manner that after he turns 18, if I make him mad he would "pursue" one my friends to get back at me. I would laugh this off but my Son is built like a grown ass man, and once he's legal, well, there's not much I can do about him and who he chooses to be involved with. Not that I think he would actually do it, nor do I think my friends would risk death by acquiescing. But the mere possibility is enough to make me squirm in my seat a bit.  However, no matter how old you are, there may always be another MILF out there serving your son and his friends nachos with her boobies hoisted up in her not-so-tightly tied silk robe..... watch out. 

So all you mothers of preschoolers out there..... have patience, your time is coming.  All that training will pay off one day, sooner than you think.

We can't be friends

Well, I tried. Tried being the bigger person, tried to be friendly, tried to make the adjustment to this newest Adventure in Divorce as easy as possible, but it ended up blowing up in my face. I made the grave mistake of attempting to be friendly to Baby Momma #2.

A few weeks ago I read a blog post about how befriending your ex’s new woman and/or ex is a really bad idea. I admit the post had some very valid points which I filed away in my mental filing cabinet. However, also stored in my mental filing cabinet were points made on one of my favorite divorce/blended family websites, Today’s Modern Family, where the ladies have talked about how being friendly toward your ex’s new mate is an ideal situation for the children because there is less tension and animosity that they have to deal with. Being the sucker nice person I am, I opted for the second route while still being mindful of the pitfalls of the first.

At the time it seemed like The Ex was trying to make a go at having a relationship with Baby Momma #2 (hereinafter BM 2.0). She was always around, there were Master Lab photos of them with Lil Meech on Facebook, and for all intents and purposes they looked like a couple and it seemed she was not going anywhere any time soon. So when she would come to Son’s football games with Lil Meech I would say hi, come over and play with the baby, and even sit with her when The Ex ditched her to go watch the game with the other football parents (because I hated when he used to do that to me). We never really talked much, just basic chit chat pleasantries. I mainly just didn’t want Mini-Me to have to run from one end of the stands to the other in order to spend time with me and her baby brother, and admittedly I wanted to play with the baby. I even bought Lil Meech a handmade bear hat, partly as a peace offering and partly to support my friend’s business, Issaino (she makes great custom handmade crochet items), and partly because I believe every baby should have one of those bear hats.

It was actually the bear hat that kicked off my descent into the mouth of madness. I was at a football game and BM 2.0 wanted to share a picture of Lil Meech in the bear hat with me, so I gave her my number so she could send it via picture mail. No big deal. I had no intentions of every calling her or otherwise hearing from her. (Mistake #1) Then I few weeks later I get a text from her out of the blue with her asking if she could send me a friend request on Facebook, which I was a wee bit wary of but because of my stance on Facebook I figured it couldn’t hurt. The texts then lead to a conversation where she is telling me all about how badly his ex-girlfriend (the one she ousted) talks about her and the baby, and then about how the ex-girlfriend has talked badly about me, and so on and so forth. I didn’t really give much by way of info and kept my responses pretty basic, but I should have never entertained that conversation in the first place. (Mistake #2)

It is well known that all good things must come to an end, and all bad things come to an end even sooner. Long story short, she and The Ex get into it, something to do with him talking to and supposedly getting back with his ousted ex-girlfriend, BM 2.0 getting stuck here in town after her car got wrecked and staying with The Ex, and a whole lot of other dramatic antics that I had to hear about from Mini-Me and my own dad (yea, don’t ask). I then started noticing a form of female “reindeer games” on Facebook that I have termed “pissing on people’s pages” similar to how animals mark their territory. She would comment on pictures I had of the kids and Lil Meech with how much of a daddy’s boy he was and how his daddy loves him, then would tag Mini-Me on pictures of the baby and The Ex talking about how much she loved the two of them, then left comments on Mini-Me’s page and The Ex’s mother’s page about us seeing the baby, even mentioning that I had come over to visit (I was picking up Mini-Me and stopped in for 15 minutes, 10 of which was spent trying to console Mini-Me because BM 2.0 and The Ex had been fighting). The tactic was so transparent: she was obviously trying to get to the ex-girlfriend via her friends, i.e. my daughter and The Ex’s mother.*

(*For those not well versed in how Facebook works, when a person is tagged in a photo it shows up in their friends’ news feeds, even if they are not friends with the person who posted the photo. So, using the situation above, BM 2.0 takes a photo of Lil Meech and The Ex sleeping and notes in the caption that it’s 10am on a Wednesday and tags Mini-Me in said photo, even though she is nowhere in sight. The photo shows up in Mini-Me’s friends’ timelines (which includes the ex-girlfriend) and when viewed conveys a myriad of information: 1) BM 2.0 is in town, at The Ex’s place during the week when she should be at home in the next state; 2) How much she just LOVES the both of them and how much she LOVES taking care of them; and 3) A reminder slap in the face that he has a new baby with another woman in the first place. A similar marking of territory occurs with wall posts. Yes, Facebook was designed by the devil’s mistress.)

I was starting to get a bit annoyed by the use of my daughter’s Facebook account as a means of throwing jabs at the ex-girlfriend, but I figured I would just monitor the situation and say something to The Ex if necessary. But then BM 2.0 crossed all the way over the line, set up camp and posted a flag in my shit. First I get a text asking if my mother could get BM 2.0 a ticket to go to The Ex’s grandmother’s funeral….not from The Ex, but from BM 2.0 herself (I’m almost positive that The Ex had NO intention of her going). I called my mother to ask her about it and that’s when I got the earful about the insane events between BM 2.0 and The Ex that week that had Mini-Me so upset. Then the next day I get a text from her telling me things between her and The Ex were over and that he was going back to the ex-girlfriend, and I responded by wishing her the best and conveyed Mini-Me’s concerns about seeing her baby brother. That’s when things started getting messy and ugly. She starts telling me about all these “secrets” about our marriage and divorce that The Ex supposedly told her in confidence, the coup de grace being that he had slept with my (former) BFF of 10 years in high school and he had never told ANYONE about it. She acted as if she was doing me a favor by sharing all this info with me, but she did not appreciate how truly reckless and hurtful these lies were because she did not know the whole history of that situation, but needless to say I was LIVID. It ripped open some old wounds from my marriage that I had already healed over and I had done my best to forget about. I lost it (textually…. at work I was outwardly calm) and ended up in a triangular text battle with her and The Ex all morning, basically telling them to leave me the fuck alone and out of their mess. I did not know who was lying or who was telling the truth so I was just mad at everyone (kind of like how your mom gave you and all your siblings a whooping when nobody would fess up). All I knew was that I was fed up and angry at being used as a pawn, angry that my children had to be subject to the stress of their fighting and not knowing if or when they would see their brother again, and angry over getting dragged into their mess, a mess that The Ex created with his utter carelessness and inability to manage his own life.

After I had calmed down, I realized that this woman was just using me as a pawn because she was mad at The Ex and wanted me to be mad at him, too. She wanted an ally, someone who hated him just as much as she did (at that moment in time). Because it was Shark Week (i.e. PMS time) I let my emotions get the best of me and let myself get dragged into it. (Mistake #3) I later got some info from the kids that let me know I needed to stay far, far away from The Ex’s mess with this woman. After that I took her and her daughter off my Facebook friend list so that I could go back my arm’s length dealings with her, civil and cordial but that is it. I got a text from her after that about taking her off my friends’ list and her accusing me of never being on her “side” to which I had to respond that this was never about sides and I was not friendly toward her just to be able to engage in ex bashing sessions, that it was always about the kids. I have not heard from her since.

I am really not sure what to take away from all this besides reinforcement of the notion of being more cautious of people. I am a person who tries not to involve innocent people (and especially innocent children) in my problems and use them as pawns, so I sometimes take for granted that others are not so considerate and often have agendas that are not in my best interest, even when the agenda really has nothing to do with me. I was really trying to be a decent Baby Momma #1 ex-wife, not one of those nightmare exes that people talk shit about, but rather one that has moved on with her life and does not feel the need to reach back and make people’s lives hell. I tried being nice, tried being supportive, tried to not be a hindrance to a relationship between my kids and their baby brother and it came back to bite me in the arse.  I feel like she took advantage of my kindness and attempted to use it as leverage against The Ex. I am not one to be used, and I certainly will not allow my children to be used. *momma bear roar*

I really hope BM 2.0 can work something out with The Ex so that he and the kids can have a relationship with Lil Meech, but based on what I have heard and experienced in these past few days, unfortunately I am not very hopeful that she will be mature enough to put her differences aside and put the kids’ interests first (after all, she left her other kids behind in the next state to chase after a man who obviously does not want her). I told her I hope we can be civil and cordial and that Lil Meech is always welcome to visit his sister and brother while with me, but that I had to protect my emotional well being by distancing myself from her and her drama with The Ex. Ultimately, I have to accept that facilitating a relationship between the kids is not my responsibility. I cannot control the actions of two adults who cannot sort things out between themselves. We can be civil, but obviously we can’t be friends.

Mine!

I'm almost this happy.

One thing I always emphasize about divorce is that it is not a single event in a person's life. It's a long, drawn out, step by step process that begins and  ends long before and after the divorce decree is signed. It is less a break than it is a detangling, constantly untying connections to your former spouse.  Even after the ink is dry and the assets and liabilities (in theory) have been divided up, there is still the process of changing names,  removing names, signing over legal ownership, closing accounts, changing addresses, and so on and so forth. As much as you may be  ready to be totally rid of this person, the reality is that undoing your connected lives takes time.

I recently had a major event happen for me: I bought a new car!  Somehow, some way, I managed to gain mind control over some car dealer and got them to sell me a car despite the financial wreckage that I was left with post-divorce. The car is very nice, very similar to my faithful Honda Civic, a sexy-but-not-cutesy little car in a lovely shade of Black Cherry ("Her name is Cherry, we just met....."), Bluetooth, satellite radio, all the things I could ask for in a (relatively inexpensive) car. I dug my heels in and feel like I negotiated a good deal on it (considering my financial  situation). The salesman kept asking me why I wasn't more excited and smiling. Part of it was sheer disbelief, waiting for the manager to poke his head in saying they'd made a mistake, part of it is my usual hesitancy at making big ticket purchases, and part of it was game face. I actually really was happy to get such a nice car so soon, but my face didn't REALLY light up until I realized one fact: My ex husband's name would no longer be on my vehicle. *happy dance*

When I was married The Ex and I owned two vehicles, so logically we each took our primary vehicles in the divorce. His got repossessed, but I managed to keep paying mine despite my roller coaster job and money situation. Although according to our divorce decree said I got the Civic and he got the SUV, legally we were both owners of each vehicle. My title still had his name on it; the registration was in both of our names. Majority of the time it wasn't an issue (except for the time I even almost got stuck with a default judgment on unpaid parking tickets because they were sending notices to him and not to me) and practically speaking it didn't matter that his name was still on the car.  But psychologically I was a little miffed seeing his name each time I renewed my registration.  I just wanted to be rid of him altogether (well, as much as possible considering we still have kids together).

When I purchased my new car they gave me a rebate for switching from Honda to Kia so I had to give them my registration, and the reminder came again. Then as I was negotiating my price the sales guy reminded me that my previous car loan had a co-signer and he was trying to get me a good rate without one. That's when it really hit me. This is going to be MY car. Mine. Nobody else's. It won't belong to that legal fiction of one person that marriage is considered to be. I have total control over this vehicle; I can say where it goes and doesn't go and nobody can use it without my permission. I don't have to worry about a 300 lb person flopping down in my seats bending the edges and scraping up the trim, getting gum on the seats that he promises to clean off and never does, or just generally treating my car like crap because he's careless and doesn't care because it's not his.  I can also rid myself of the reminder of a time when I was scared out of my mind when my car got vandalized by The Ex (he still swears he didn't do it, but I know he had someone do it.... shit like that doesn't happen on its own randomly).  But more than just the vehicle itself, my new car represents another step away from my old life and toward my new one.  Another step in the right direction.

It's all Family (a Recant)

So it's been 2 months now since my children and I learned about the birth their new (half) sibling, whom I affectionately refer to as "Little Meech".  The kids seem to be adjusting to the idea pretty well, and even Son has gotten over his initial pissedoffedness and reportedly gave the little baby his speech about where he falls in the sibling pecking order (of course, Son is in charge).  I see pictures on their cell phone backgrounds of this chunky little baby that looks almost, but not quite, exactly like my Son as a baby, but that's been about it.

Sunday, however, I finally got to meet the infamous Little Meech.

And he's SO CUTE!!

Baby Momma #2 stopped by my parents' house to pick up Son to go back to his dad's and (probably at Daughter's insistence) she brought Little Meech in, though "little" is a bit of a misnomer because the child is huge.  Two months old and already looks like pictures of Son when he was almost 5 months old (and Son was no small baby himself).  I can save The Ex about $200 and/or an embarassing trip to Maury and declare that is definitely his second son.  He looks just enough like my son that holding him and snuggling him to my chest took me back 16 years-- just a little.  It was so cute to see Son poke his tiny nose and him bust out a big toothless grin at his big brother, and to see Mini-Me cradling him with a bottle.  I mean, who can not love seeing a baby?

Now I know I have poked fun at the situation, nicknaming the child Little Meech based upon a photo where he was covered in money and gold chains (and the fact that more than one person has pointed out his father's uncanny resemblance to Rick Ross).  Yes, I know this.  We all have our moments pettiness, but the difference with me is that I'm woman enough to admit it and admit when a change is needed.  However, Little Meech is just going to be my nickname for him, period, and I have no problem telling anyone why, same as telling Son why he was called Stinky or why my beau's son was called Boo Boo or why Mini-Me was Stealthy Kitten.  Kids have embarassing nicknames.  It happens.  And that photo is still ridiculous as hell (and will make for great blackmail material by his family in years to come).

Now, what I am also woman enough to admit is that I must recant and re-adjust with my thoughts about Baby Momma #2.  As I've stated before, overall I have never had a problem with the woman aside from quasi-jacking my son's name, which I thought was a little odd, but names that start with the letter Q are pretty cool.  Then there was the incident where I was told that she called The Ex's job supposedly about my children being at the hospital, which I later found out wasn't even true.  But it was something about seeing that innocent little baby that made me stop to realize that she is just as much subject to The Ex's tomfoolery and life mishandling as I am, and that having a hostile attitude toward Little Meech and his mother was just stupid.  I got accused of acting fake, but really it was moreso a realization that I was tired of holding onto unfounded hostility and deciding that a mental shift was necessary.

I stopped and thought about how The Ex has painted me to others as some crazy, maladjusted bitch and how that is far from the truth (maybe a little weird and misunderstood, but not crazy) and then compared that to how he has tried to paint her as crazy as well.  That's his modus operandi-- "it's not my fault, it's everyone else's fault."  His ex-girlfriend said something interesting to me shortly after they broke up (i.e. shortly after Little Meech was born) about how there were unnecessary hard feelings created between us based upon things that The Ex did and said.  And now I smack my own forehead for being led down that same road by him with Baby Momma #2.  The situation was admittedly fucked up and handled poorly, but that's moreso The Ex's doings and not hers, and it's also just life.  Life is messy and fucked up, and the best of us get caught up in it.  I'll give you a pass if you give me a pass, m'kay?

Actually seeing the baby and seeing my children interact with their brother made me realize that I have been holding onto some frustration and bitterness that is spilling over into the wrong areas of life.  Yes, I can be mad at The Ex for not being where he says he's going to be, or changing plans last minute, or calling me out of my name whenever things don't go his way and I don't acquiesse to his whims.  But I should not make my feelings and attitudes towards Little Meech and his mother an extension of that anger.  Though one could say that they are of no concern to me and my life, but the fact is that they are.  Little Meech is my children's blood relative, so in a roundabout once removed way, he is also related to me.  He is always going to be around any time my kids do something where their siblings ought to be present.  I used to work with a guy who would tell me about holidays with his family where everyone-- step-siblings, half-siblings, ex's and new spouses-- would all get together so nobody had to choose who to be with.  It was just family. 

This is not to say that I am going to strike up a friendship with Baby Mommy #2 and rally against the forces of evil be BFFs.  No, I'm not the type to sit around and talk shit with the other baby momma about The Ex-- that's so cliche, and extremely basic.  But will I do my part to make sure Little Meech has as much involvement with my kids as possible? Yes.  Because I don't want them to feel like they have to choose.  It's all family.