The last anniversary we "celebrated" together was our 7 year anniversary (ironic, huh?). I use the term "celebrate" very loosely because there wasn't much celebration that ever went on in our relationship. Anniversaries, birthdays and holidays were rarely planned out special days..... kind of half-hearted, lackluster, after the fact events. The Ex would often blame this on his Jehovah's Witness upbringing, even though he hadn't stepped foot in a Kingdom Hall in all the time I've known him and neither has his mother. But to me that was a cop out because it's not like he had some active religious conviction against celebrating holidays, and he knew that those sorts of things were important to me. No, loved ones, that was just apathy and laziness. And I am by no means a high maintenance girl.... all I ask for is some thought.
So anyway, this is what I was thinking on that final wedding anniversary.......
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(originally posted Monday July 24, 2006)
So.... its my anniversary. Just a day like any other day, but with a card. (I wish I would have invented greeting cards... they make BANK.) I spent all my celebrating money on my son, sending him to football camp and AAU Nationals. So I sit at home. I could go out to Applebees on the money I have left til the 15th, or something like that, but I just don't feel like it. The guy is still here installing my new Dish Network system (so now I have DVR... yessssssss!) and by the time he gets done, it'll be close to 8. I came home and all of the energy and good feelings just drained out of me spontaineously. My daughter is doing flips on the floor ("Mommy look at me!! Mommy watch me!! Mommy did you see that?!? Look again! You should've seen that! Mom... mom... mom....."). I'm actually home "early" today (before 9pm).
So its my anniversary, and I'm just not feeling it. Maybe because over the years I've just gotten used to the disappointment of rarely celebrating birthdays or anniversaries or holidays unless its a half-hearted afterthought or I make it happen, so I just don't bother. Not that I'm cool with it, I just come to expect it, and I don't raise hell like many other women because I know its absolutely futile. An effort was made on my birthday this year, but that ended up being disasterous and one of the worst birthdays I've ever had. (*NOTE: I ended up going to the Pink concert ALONE. On my birthday. Yea.)
I just want to get in my bed and pull the covers over my head and not talk. But he won't let me not talk. Sometimes I just don't want to speak.... to anyone. Why don't I have that right? That's the problem with living with someone else.... all of your time, emotions, thoughts, actions, feelings, and behaviors MUST be accounted for. And I'm a person that does things spontaineously; I have few routines in my life. Sometimes I brush my teeth before I put on my makeup, sometimes after. I don't want to have to explain WHY. I already hear him huffing over there because I'm not feeling well..... and "not feeling well" is my code phrase for "I'm really, really, really depressed to the point where I hurt; my chest hurts and my shoulders hurt and my neck hurts and my nerves are raw and irritable so leave me the fuck alone if you know what's good for you." And I drank a mug of wine and that didn't help.
My daughter is sitting on my back. I can't tell her to get off because I'm never here and she just misses me. The least I can do is let her sit on my back and count by fives in my ear. Though I'm quite irritated and wish she would stop.
My 7 year anniversary.... I just want to order some carry-out, pick up a bottle of wine and a pint of Ben & Jerry's Oatmeal Cookie Chunk ice cream and call it a night. Fifteen pounds to lose be damned. I wanted chinese but my Spot is closed on Monday. Poo. Maybe Outback.
This is probably the most boring blog I've written... but this is real deal, stream of consciousness, no break between the cerebellum and the fingertips (I don't even know if I'm talking about the correct part of the brain... I'm a lawyer, not a doctor.... though I'd really like one of those "Trust me I'm a Doctor" t-shirts so when people ask "Are you really a doctor" I can so "No, but I'm a lawyer." Yea, I'm a dork....). But this is a very TAME glimpse into my brain.... trust me.
2 comments:
You obviously did not treat your ex as you demanded that he treat you.
He is spot on.
People reared as JWs rarely ever get over many of the ingrained behaviors such as never being able to remember anniversaries, holidays, etc.
Maybe his next wife will do him better.
I did treat him like I wanted to be treated, but over the years it wasn't reciprocated. Without reciprocation, such things fall off because people feel taken for granted, and it get to the point where you say "why bother?" This is not something that happens overnight, or in the first year, or the first two years.... try 15 years of it. Besides, if you know something is important to your spouse you'll make a point to make an effort toward those things, even if you don't necessarily agree with them. A lil conscious effort was all I was asking for.
And I do hope his next wife will be more suited for him, just as I hope my next spouse is better suited for me, because we just ceased to be a match. That was part of my motivation for letting him go.... he deserved to be loved in the way that he needed, as do I. Hmm.... sounds like another topic......
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