"Not to know is bad...."

“Not to know is bad. Not to wish to know is worse.” -- Nigerian Proverb

This past weekend I had the opportunity to take a free-99 trip to Expo as a volunteer. After my shift was over I found myself with a few hours to kill. Following an unsuccessful attempt to find Dwele (nobody there knew who he is....damn shame) I took a gander at the Health Fair and decided to take advantage of some of the free screenings. I know I'm blind as a bat, have high blood pressure,am prone to depression and am somewhat overweight (though the fans aren't complaining) so I skipped those. But there, looming in the middle of the exhibit hall, was the HIV Pavillion.....free anonymous testing with results in 20 minutes. *deep breath* I decided to go ahead and do it, not so much because I was worried about my status, but more so on principle.

Separation from the man you've been with since 14 (and the only man you'd "known" in the biblical sense) yields many many firsts, and unfortunately a "first" that I've had to deal with is the prospect of STDs. Luckily I've not had to actually personally deal with that... everytime I've had the "fluids checked" (as my BFF at Planned Parenthood so eloquently put it) everything has been in tip top shape (regardless of what some folk tried to use me as a scapegoat for, but we shan't go into that.......water under the bridge, loved ones.......somebody else's problem). I'm also not just putting myself out there with any old random person (I am VERY picky). HOWEVER, I've seen the PSAs and I know that you can't tell who has what by just looking at them, and that all it takes is that 1 time (ever seen the movie Kids?? Yea, scary), and there's no such thing as "safe" sex, only "safER" sex, so yes, I was just a wee bit--ok, a lot--nervous.

So I walked up to the info table and hear "Hey!! How are you!!"...it was the ex girlfriend of a colleague and we chatted for a bit.....she was working for an HIV/AIDS awareness organization out in LA now, so there was no way I could chicken out of the test at that point. I get my number and wait, perusing the table of goodies consisting of Lifestyle condoms and what seemed like a vast abundance of lube.....a sea of little aqua packets. When it was my turn I had to go back into a curtained cubicle with a cute lil Rosie Perez looking woman and answer all these questions about my "history". Talk about un-com-for-table (Have I had sex with someone I met on the Internet?? Does that matter?? I mean, we met on the internet but then got to know him in person and I just don't see how that is considered any riskier than meeting someone in the paper goods aisle at Wal-Mart.....but that was my lawyer brain talking, so I just had to say "yes"). The test looked just like a pregnancy test.....if you'd given it to me with no info and instructions I would've went and peed on it. But no, a few swabs of the gums, stick it in some solution, then wait. And wait. And wait. Times 20. It was the longest 20 minutes ever in life. 93% of myself told me that I was cool, that the folk I dealt with were more responsible with themselves than that, but then that 7% was like "but they trusted YOU a lil too easily, sister." Hmmm...

So 20 minutes and 2 vials of blood later (I had my cholesterol, glucose, and creatine levels checked) I come back and sit down behind the curtains again, and she turns the little not-pee stick around to reveal 1 line.......Negative. Holly-louuu-yaa! Then she made me promise to be good and sent my happy ass on my way. I walked out from behind those curtains grinning ear to ear.

Admittedly, that experience was a lil slap in the face wake up call. No, sister, you're not in Kansas anymore. This is a real live, elephant in the room issue for me now. Let's keep it real though......"monogamous" relationships aren't 100% fool proof themselves (I mean, look at the mallards) which is why I often went ahead and sprang for the "extra" tests during my check-ups while I was married just to be sure. But the risk is a helluva lot less (cuz that would be one shitty way to get busted.....Why Did I Get Married? style). Anyway, I'm glad that I was able to conquer another fear out in this big scary dating world, and happy to know that I have 1 less thing to worry about.

MESSAGE!! Get tested....know your status....be safe.