One day, on your own terms........?

A new addition to my list of all time favorite movies is Juno. It is near and dear to my heart obviously because it is a movie about teenage pregnancy. The Ex and I had our son when we were sophomores in high school..... I was not quite 16. I have basically put a mental block on that entire year, and even the rest of high school after that is kind of fuzzy. The movie Juno, however, was/is highly effective in dredging up all those burried emotions. Whenever I need to get a good cry out, I put Juno in the DVD player (I could use one now in fact).

The scene that causes me to just absolutely lose it is towards the end (don't worry.... no spoilers here) when Juno is laying in the hospital bed and her dad tells her not to worry, that one day she'll be back on her own terms. Now that I'm divorced at the age of almost 30, the odds of being back "on my own terms" have dramatically dropped. Sure, I know that most of my friends don't have any kids yet, but I am in the unique situation of having a child that will be gone to college in 4 years..... COLLEGE. The thought of having to haul a diaper bag when I go to visit my son at Such-and-Such University kind of gives me the willies. But, hey......who knows.

Anywho, this is how I feel when I watch Juno (whilst imbibing..... it was a bad night).......

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(originally posted April 17, 2008)

"....one day, you'll be back here on your own terms." ~ Juno's Dad, Juno

Will I ever be back on my own terms?? Two kids, never on my own terms. I fucking love this movie, but it just makes me so sad..... so, so very sad. This is the 3rd time I've seen in..... twice in the theater, and went and bought it on DVD today. And I'm running it for the second time right now. Partly because I love the soundtrack dearly. And partly because I'm a masochistic fuck. There are SO many good one liners.... it's such a good movie..... perhaps because it hits me in the gut, but then again does it in the style of humor that is so me. "Up the Spout" is such an appropriately named track..... it plays when she's taking her 3rd pregnancy test. And maybe I like Tire Swing so much because it's the song that plays when she's on her way home from taking her last test, knowing that she is, for shizz, up the spout.

("I had a dream that I had to drive to Madison......to deliver a painting for some silly reason.... I took a wrong turn and ended up in Michigan..... Paul Baribou took me to a giant tire swing......" I can't ever figure out if the "silly reason" is delivering the painting, or ending up in Michigan. )

I've been for shizz up the spout..... twice. Being up the spout is not a good thing. Its one of those "oh fuck" moments, not "oh congratuations this is a blessed event" moments. And "oh fuck" moments are followed by many "woah is me" moments. Funny how the same scenario in two different settings can be so radically differently perceived. That's what I was saying the other day about truth..... there's no such thing as absolute truth. It's all a matter of perception..... truth is seen through the lenses of perception. I guess there is an absolute truth somewhere, but not in the grasp of humans.

Anyway..... Juno. I've drank 1.4 bottles of wine watching Juno this fine eve. And it's about to be 1.7 after I get this next hefty glass. *pause* Ok, fresh glass. I know my son saw me crying, though I hope he didn't. Kids are so good with self-blame...... it's not his fault, not his cause, not his problem. I'm not sad or regretful that I have him. He's the most wonderful son a mom could ask for. But even when you make the best of a bad situation, it still is a bad situation, and fucks you up accordingly. Maybe not on the daily, but at times.... like, when you watch Juno, and you're back in the sophomore year in High School and folk are looking at you crazy in the cafeteria and the dumb fuck that's the other half of this extra-human-equasion is telling you that he doesn't need you and he'll just take care of his "responsibility" (i.e. whatever child support gets calculated off his $4.75/hr job at McDonalds..... $35/wk or some shits).

My own terms..... hmmm, wonder what that would be like?? What would it be like to be happy about the impeding arrival of a baby?? What would it be like to have people look at your protruding belly with admiration instead of shame? What would it be like for people to be *truly* happy for you, instead of putting up a fascade around you and then whispering about how sad it is behind your back? Will I ever know?? My son is going to high school next year...... odds are kinda slim. But on the flip side, I'm only 29 flipping years old.

("Paulie is actually great.... in the.... chair." Wish I coulda said the same. First time was..... well...... nevermind. )

I just want someone I can spend time with (ok, so this is totally related to being for shizz up the spout...... but fuckit). He's already got the new stepfamily lined up and everything...... I don't introduce my kids to no damn body cuz it's just never been that deep or been able to be that deep. Can I watch a video with someone?? Can someone come by and bring Mike and Ikes and Milk Duds to my kids so they'll like him while he's watching TV with moms??

(".... kickin it Old Testament....." Hellz yea.)

Why am I running this movie AGAIN for the second time in a row???? Just go put on your iPod, idiot!! Oh yea, the iPod dock is in Offspring 2's room because she can't sleep without the radio, and I can't sleep with earbuds in my ears. I just love how he paints me as the reluctant mother..... I give up my iPod every damn night, dammit! That counts for something!! (joking) Ok, finally starting to feel a little more subdued, even though I know in the AM I'm going to feel like shit on a stick. Ah, the double edged sword of self medicating.......

I just hope my kids love me...... and understand that I'm feeling my way through this shyt. My Son asked me if I was alright tonight......... I told him, honestly, no. I'm not. Just to the right of ok. I'm sure he knows I'm drunk as hell right now, but I keep my drunk to myself. He hasn't seen Juno yet. Maybe when he does he'll understand my mood on April 16, 2008.

If you haven't seen Juno yet, go rent it ASAP. And think of me.