The Fact Is......

Another one of my pre-divorce musings that shed a wee bit of light on "what happened?" (originally posted Monday, July 24, 2006.... coincidentally, our anniversary):

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I can pay my own light bill baby
Pump my own gas in my own car
I can buy my own shoe collection
I've been blessed thus far
I can kill the spider over my bed
Although it's hard because I'm scared
I can even stain and polyurethane
But some things just don't change
I need you yeah
Sometimes so hard to say oh
I need you
Some things remain

I could buy my own groceries baby
Get my hair tight, my nails right
I can floss my own bling bling
Write the words to the songs I sing
I can even raise the child we'll make
Make sure he's loved and knows what God gave us
I can teach him how to walk and stand
But he needs you to help him be a man
We need you
So hard to say
We need you
Some things don't change

I could be congresswoman
Or a garbage woman or
Police officer, or a carpenter
I could be a doctor and a lawyer and a mother and a
Good-God-woman-what-you-done-to-me
Kind of lover I'll be
I could be a computer analyst, the Queen with the nappy hair raising her fist
Or, I could be much more and a myriad of this
Hot as the summer, sweet as the first kiss
And even though I can do all these things
I need you
And even though I can do all these things
We need you
We need you
We need you
And even though I can do all these things by my damn self
I need you...

~Jill Scott "The Fact Is (I Need You)"

Interesting segment on the Today Show this morning regarding whether successful, otherwise independent women still want a man to "take care" of them. However, this did NOT deal with the financial aspect of things, but rather having a "handyman".... a guy that can fix things, kill things, and just "take care" of things.

As I put on my makeup (late, again, because that's when these "relationship" segments come on) I heard the psychologist saying that when men do these sorts of things for women, there's something masculine about this, which in turn makes us feel more feminine. Sometimes it's nice to set down the hard role for a minute and be the damsel in distress. They also talked about men being confused over when they should and shouldn't "assert" this masculinity, but that women are equally confused. Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! is what went off in my head. [My Ex] grumbled something about "well, if women would come home and cook for their man...." and blah, blah, blah. I'm not getting into this "If he/she would, then I...." blame crap.

Like Jill says in her song, even though I could do all these things "by my damn self", there is something about a man doing those things that is appealing, even if its not necessary. I get frustrated when I have to hook up the satellite receiver and the DVD player.... not because I struggle with it, but it's, well (and I hate that this thought is coming out of my head) it's a man's job. There are just certain things around the house that are traditionally taken care of by men and some things taken care of by women (and I'm not talking about chores, but the more non-routine things). I don't expect my husband to pick out curtains or buy kitchen utensils or house plants (not that I do most of those things.... but we'll get to that issue later); likewise I don't want to have to fix the toilet, unclog the bathtub, repair the doorknob, or fertilize the lawn. He shouldn't have to go to Bed Bath & Beyond and I shouldn't have to go to Home Depot. Again, like Jill says "I can kill the spider over my bed/Although its hard because I'm scared...."

I think maybe this idea appeals to me because I am attracted to masculinity, period, and one thing I LOVE is to see a man working and handling business and doing "manly things." Men crying is not a turn on for me.... I'm not that type of chick. I may have mentioned my fetish for shirt/tie/cuff link combinations.... I think its because if a man is dressed to the nines, he's got some business to take care of. I also loved when [The Ex] was a construction worker, seeing him in his concrete spattered jeans and white t-shirt and hard hat.... a nice looking construction worker will still catch my eye. But it's not just attire.... it's seeing a man handling business on the phone, or in a meeting, or engaging in work related conversation (NOT talking about him droning on and on and on to me about what he does). It's probably a good thing I'm not a litigator because I'd surely one day commit malpractice due to watching opposing counsel do his thing.

So this idea translates to the home, and is probably a product, for me anyway, of how I grew up. My dad fixes EVERYTHING; he has a table saw in the garage, numerous power tools, and a snake for the toilet....and the infamous grey toolkit. Growing up, that was my example of a man. But, you may say, roles mean NOTHING.... women make more than men, men cook for the kids, etc. Which is why I agree with the psychologists' assessment that we are ALL confused.

Nevertheless, I still proffer, even at the risk of my words being used against me at a later time (say, around 7pm), that the concept of "roles" is not completely dead. Sure I could manage to do everything (even though I admittedly don't even seem to manage the "woman" things.... see all my work related blogs) it's just nice sometimes to hear "Honey, I'll take care of that toilet/doorknob/giant patch of weeds/3 feet of snow......" It makes you feel cared for, which is what they were talking about on the Today Show about being "taken care of." If I can locate a child's clothing, the remote control, AND your underwear without even stepping foot downstairs, you can put some caulk on the sink.

I'm not attempting to address ALL the issues involved in the modern day relationship, but just this one eenie-weenie aspect: I like men to do man things because it's masculine and I like masculinity. Chivalry may be dead, but masculinity is not.