Adventures in Divorce

I always wondered why people who murdered their spouses didn't just get a divorce.... I now understand why

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Location: Nap Town, Indie-anne-ahhhhhh!, United States

No, I'm not a prophetess. Cassandra, according to Greek mythology, spurned the advances of the Greek god Apollo and her gift of prophecy was cursed so that her predictions would never be believed. Such is my life. I tend not to think like most people, which is a gift... but also a curse. So step into my mind, take off your shoes and stay for awhile... you're always welcome, loved ones.

July 8, 2008

If you love something, set it free.....

I recently received a comment to one of my postings (anonymous..... I don't know why I allow them because I'd prefer to know who I'm dialoging with, but since I'm all about open discourse I know that some people are more comfortable under the cloak of anonymity) and at the end it stated "Maybe his next wife will do him better", as the author of the comment assumed that I did not abide by the Golden Rule and treat my Ex as I wanted to be treated. That's not so. At least, up until the end it wasn't.

Diagnosing what "went wrong" in a relationship leading up to divorce can't be explained in 27 blog postings..... it would take an entire VOLUME, a box set, a LIBRARY to explain. And yes, I've thus far focused on the things that he's done wrong (cuz it's my blog, dammit). But I will be the first to admit that I wasn't a perfect wife, whatever that means, because to me that is an extremely subjective standard that is nuanced in every unique relationship. Like all most relationships, things are always great in the beginning. You could probably ask My Ex right now if I was a "good wife" up until a few years ago, and I'm confident that he'd tell you yes. But after so much disappointment, changing, pressures, and general mind-fuckery, anyone will begin to crack a bit. Over the years, one of my ways of coping with what I felt was a disregard of my feelings and wishes and needs was to develop a shell of a "Fuckit" mentality.... I wasn't about to let him control how I felt. So if he wanted to go out and hang with his buddies and smoke all night even though I asked him not to, I wasn't going to sit and stew over it. Fuckit. If he wanted to go to the strip club with his buddies even though we were getting low on funds before payday, I wasn't gonna let myself get bent out of shape. Fuckit. If every day for a week his buddies were at my house playing Playstation while I was alone upstairs, no worries. Fuckit. After awhile though, that Fuckit mentality regarding things that made me upset began to bleed over into other areas of our relationship and my feelings toward him, until it became a general sense of disinterest and disregard altogether. Love perished in the face of just trying to cope and exist.

I knew before we separated that our marriage was over..... at least, it was there languishing on life support. I just didn't have the requisite type and level of love that I felt was necessary to maintain a marriage. Did I have love for him? Yes. But the Love wasn't there. And I know that love in a marriage ebbs and flows, but this was different. I could feel the void. And hard as I tried, I couldn't fill it back up. I will be the first to admit that I did not handle the demise of our relationship well.... there was a lot of running, a lot of self-distraction, a lot of denial that something was wrong. Avoidance is not the answer, loved ones. I could also feel, even see, ourselves lapsing into the ways of my parents (as our parents are our teachers, good or bad, of how to conduct a relationship) which was just a lot of negativity and dislike. And it frightened me.

So back to the original statement: "Maybe his next wife will do him better." And I wholeheartedly agree. One of the hardest things to admit to My Ex was the fact that I just could not love him in the way that he wanted and deserved to be loved. And the converse of that is true as well. We just weren't the same people that we were when we first got together in the High School cafeteria, weren't the same people who shared vows in the little wedding chapel in Broadripple, weren't the same people that we were when I stepped foot through the doors of the law school. Or at least let me speak for myself..... I was not the same person. And I realize now that the person I am now would not have tolerated much of what I did back then, and therein lies at least one of the problems. Bottom line, though, it's hard to expect a person to like the same things and have the same interests and goals and priorities at 28 that they did at 15. The odds were already stacked against us in that respect.

Despite his shortcomings and mistakes, I know that my Ex is a good man. He's just not the good man for ME. And despite my shortcomings and mistakes (some a helluva lot worse than others, but we all make them) I know that I will eventually be a good wife to someone else. ("Given me the chance.... I know I'll make the perfect wife....." From my most favorite song, BTW) But together, it just wasn't happening. So one of my motivations for separating and divorcing my Ex was so that he could find someone that loves him in the way he deserves to be loved, someone more compatable with him than I am, someone who could better tolerate his idiosyncracies and the person that he is. I've always said that Love is all about finding someone who can put up with your unique combination of bullshit..... because nobody is perfect, and we all have our "ways". In a way, under all the frustration and pissedoffedness that I'm experiencing right now, I still do love my Ex. And for that reason I wish him all the love and happiness in the world. Just as he does for me.

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Adventures in Divorce: If you love something, set it free.....

If you love something, set it free.....

I recently received a comment to one of my postings (anonymous..... I don't know why I allow them because I'd prefer to know who I'm dialoging with, but since I'm all about open discourse I know that some people are more comfortable under the cloak of anonymity) and at the end it stated "Maybe his next wife will do him better", as the author of the comment assumed that I did not abide by the Golden Rule and treat my Ex as I wanted to be treated. That's not so. At least, up until the end it wasn't.

Diagnosing what "went wrong" in a relationship leading up to divorce can't be explained in 27 blog postings..... it would take an entire VOLUME, a box set, a LIBRARY to explain. And yes, I've thus far focused on the things that he's done wrong (cuz it's my blog, dammit). But I will be the first to admit that I wasn't a perfect wife, whatever that means, because to me that is an extremely subjective standard that is nuanced in every unique relationship. Like all most relationships, things are always great in the beginning. You could probably ask My Ex right now if I was a "good wife" up until a few years ago, and I'm confident that he'd tell you yes. But after so much disappointment, changing, pressures, and general mind-fuckery, anyone will begin to crack a bit. Over the years, one of my ways of coping with what I felt was a disregard of my feelings and wishes and needs was to develop a shell of a "Fuckit" mentality.... I wasn't about to let him control how I felt. So if he wanted to go out and hang with his buddies and smoke all night even though I asked him not to, I wasn't going to sit and stew over it. Fuckit. If he wanted to go to the strip club with his buddies even though we were getting low on funds before payday, I wasn't gonna let myself get bent out of shape. Fuckit. If every day for a week his buddies were at my house playing Playstation while I was alone upstairs, no worries. Fuckit. After awhile though, that Fuckit mentality regarding things that made me upset began to bleed over into other areas of our relationship and my feelings toward him, until it became a general sense of disinterest and disregard altogether. Love perished in the face of just trying to cope and exist.

I knew before we separated that our marriage was over..... at least, it was there languishing on life support. I just didn't have the requisite type and level of love that I felt was necessary to maintain a marriage. Did I have love for him? Yes. But the Love wasn't there. And I know that love in a marriage ebbs and flows, but this was different. I could feel the void. And hard as I tried, I couldn't fill it back up. I will be the first to admit that I did not handle the demise of our relationship well.... there was a lot of running, a lot of self-distraction, a lot of denial that something was wrong. Avoidance is not the answer, loved ones. I could also feel, even see, ourselves lapsing into the ways of my parents (as our parents are our teachers, good or bad, of how to conduct a relationship) which was just a lot of negativity and dislike. And it frightened me.

So back to the original statement: "Maybe his next wife will do him better." And I wholeheartedly agree. One of the hardest things to admit to My Ex was the fact that I just could not love him in the way that he wanted and deserved to be loved. And the converse of that is true as well. We just weren't the same people that we were when we first got together in the High School cafeteria, weren't the same people who shared vows in the little wedding chapel in Broadripple, weren't the same people that we were when I stepped foot through the doors of the law school. Or at least let me speak for myself..... I was not the same person. And I realize now that the person I am now would not have tolerated much of what I did back then, and therein lies at least one of the problems. Bottom line, though, it's hard to expect a person to like the same things and have the same interests and goals and priorities at 28 that they did at 15. The odds were already stacked against us in that respect.

Despite his shortcomings and mistakes, I know that my Ex is a good man. He's just not the good man for ME. And despite my shortcomings and mistakes (some a helluva lot worse than others, but we all make them) I know that I will eventually be a good wife to someone else. ("Given me the chance.... I know I'll make the perfect wife....." From my most favorite song, BTW) But together, it just wasn't happening. So one of my motivations for separating and divorcing my Ex was so that he could find someone that loves him in the way he deserves to be loved, someone more compatable with him than I am, someone who could better tolerate his idiosyncracies and the person that he is. I've always said that Love is all about finding someone who can put up with your unique combination of bullshit..... because nobody is perfect, and we all have our "ways". In a way, under all the frustration and pissedoffedness that I'm experiencing right now, I still do love my Ex. And for that reason I wish him all the love and happiness in the world. Just as he does for me.

Labels: ,