Adventures in Divorce

I always wondered why people who murdered their spouses didn't just get a divorce.... I now understand why

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Location: Nap Town, Indie-anne-ahhhhhh!, United States

No, I'm not a prophetess. Cassandra, according to Greek mythology, spurned the advances of the Greek god Apollo and her gift of prophecy was cursed so that her predictions would never be believed. Such is my life. I tend not to think like most people, which is a gift... but also a curse. So step into my mind, take off your shoes and stay for awhile... you're always welcome, loved ones.

December 3, 2010

MILF Status: Earned, not Given

I think everyone in the free world (and a few in the oppressed one) know what the term "MILF" is. Made popular by the classic comedy, American Pie, MILF stands for the less than elegant title of, "Mom I'd Like To F*ck." It is used to refer to a woman who, although she is a mother, is still very sexy.  I see the term thrown around a lot by mothers of all ages; however when it comes to the term MILF, I am a purist that sticks to the true original spirit of the term from the movie: teenage boys standing around lusting after Stiffler's Mom. However, I've been more than slightly annoyed by what I believe is misuse and abuse of the term by those who have not yet earned the right to be called a MILF.

Stiffler's Mom: The original MILF
This may piss some moms out there off, but if your oldest child is not at least a teenager, you cannot truly call yourself a MILF. If it is only grown ass men who are lusting after you and you happen to be a mother, you are not a MILF. A MILF in training, yes, but not a full fledged, fully vested MILF.  The status of MILF is one that is earned, not bestowed merely because you had a child. MILFs stand the test of time and say to the world "Yes, after 16 years of the stress, drama, drinking and work of raising this child, I still look fucking awesome." It makes me mad when I see some woman with a 2 year old calling herself a MILF. No. Stop. Of course it is easy to still look good two years after you had a kid. I looked fucking awesome at 18 and 22. And yes, grown men are still going to find you attractive and want to have sex with you regardless of how old your kids are (or aren't). That's pretty much a no brainer. The ruler measuring MILF status is not held by your peers, but by your kids' peers. Going by the original, American Pie standard of what is considered a MILF, it is a woman who is so beautiful and/or sexy that she arouses the desires of teenage boys, teenage boys who are around perfect specimens of young females every single day.
Let me stop and throw out some disclaimers here. You should not throw yourself at young UNDERAGE boys. Flirting with them, buying them things, purposefully being scantily clad around them is NOT cool. It makes you look like a thirsty old pedophile skeezer and can backfire terribly if you have misjudged your MILF status. Even if you are attractive, it is not a good look. In fact, you should never even have occasion to learn of your successful induction into the secret society of MILFs directly from the source, but rather by subtle hints picked up from your own teenager, such as him being overly critical of your attire when you're going to be around his friends, or telling you that he almost had to beat his teammate's ass for staring or commenting about your appearance. You should not seek to test your MILF status (or lack thereof) by preying on UNDERAGE boys. That's just nasty. MILF status should remain a theoretical concept, not an actual one. That being said, I think MILF status can extend generally to any woman who has teenage (and up) kids who does not look like she has teenage children, regardless of whether any teens have expressed actual desire or not. But the key here is still the fact that your appearance and sex appeal have lasted (or improved) throughout the years and you have not turned into someone resembling Bleeker's mom from Juno ("Bleeker's mom was possibly attractive once, but now she looks like a Hobbit. You know, the fat one, that was in the Goonies.").

I realize that I may have a slight advantage over most other mothers of 16 year olds, being that I am only 15.7 years older than my Son. And to that I say…. tough crap, sorry for ya, and I am quite sure if given the opportunity to switch places with me, you wouldn't. This is my consolation prize for giving up my youth, the fact that I will still look good when my son leaves for college while all my other friends will be mere hopeful MILFs-in-training that will be in their late 40s when they finally become eligible for MILF status, as opposed to me being in my early 30s at the start of my eligibility. C'est la vie.

However, there is one disadvantage to being a young MILF: while your teenager's friends may be eyeing you, your teenager may be eyeing your friends. I have friends who are only about 10 years older than my Son. To put this into perspective, a good friend of mine is about to marry a guy 9 years her junior. My Son has actually threatened me in a joking-but-not-so-joking manner that after he turns 18, if I make him mad he would "pursue" one my friends to get back at me. I would laugh this off but my Son is built like a grown ass man, and once he's legal, well, there's not much I can do about him and who he chooses to be involved with. Not that I think he would actually do it, nor do I think my friends would risk death by acquiescing. But the mere possibility is enough to make me squirm in my seat a bit.  However, no matter how old you are, there may always be another MILF out there serving your son and his friends nachos with her boobies hoisted up in her not-so-tightly tied silk robe..... watch out. 

So all you mothers of preschoolers out there..... have patience, your time is coming.  All that training will pay off one day, sooner than you think.

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Adventures in Divorce: 12/2010 - 01/2011

Adventures in Divorce