July 3, 2008

The A Word

Let me first start out by saying that I am, without a doubt, 107.3% pro choice. I'm glad that women have that option and that degree of control over their reproductive health. HOWEVER, I am also a mother and for me personally, as far as I can conceive of right now, abortion is not an option for me. But I'm glad I have that choice.

Now with that disclaimer out of the way, I will say that one of the turning point in my decision process of my divorce centered around this very issue. When I separated from my ex, I knew for certain it was something necessary for me, yet I still struggled with the decision of whether actually going through the divorce was what I really wanted to do. My Ex would ask me incessantly what I was going to do, when was I going to file, why don't I just get it over with. And everytime the answer was the same: I. Don't. Know. Even after I filed (pro se, that's a whole 'nother story) I still wasn't 100% certain about actually going through with it. And even still after the preliminary hearing, I still wasn't convinced.

In January of this year, after I found out our son had been accepted to private school for high school (I have a high schooler.....every time I think about that it gives me a lil twinge of shock/fear/awe) I thought that maybe I should give Us another try. We had been getting along better, had even spent Christmas together, so I agreed to explore the option of reconciliation.

So we're having one of our honest heart to hearts (which with him are always dangerous.....I've learned that with him its best to plead the fif and keep it moving) and he drops a BOMB on me: he'd gotten some chick pregnant ALLEGEDLY, and that he was going to have to pay for her abortion. I. Felt. Sick. At first he told me he'd already done it, but later I found out she'd yet to go.

So many conflicting thoughts and emotions were going through me during those few weeks. I was angry at The Ex for being so stupid and irresponsible (he claimed it was a one night stand, not even someone he was seeing regularly) and angry at him for bringing this issue into our family. I was sad that this woman had to go through that and was faced with that decision and felt compassion for her having been faced with that decision myself twice before (both times, at 15 and 19, I opted to keep my children). It made me do some serious soul searching, because on the one hand I was, I guess, hoping that she went through with it so it wouldn't be something that I had to deal with going forward (baby mama drama and all that), but then on the other hand I thought about my own children and the fact that this was potentially a SIBLING of theirs, and how growing up, and to this day, I never regarded my half-sister as anything but my sister just as equally as I regarded my full sister and brother. That inner conflict hurt me to the core of my soul. I cried. A lot. For myself, for him, for her, for my kids, everyone.

Ultimately, she did get the abortion. Even though that situation was "over", it wasn't over. I wouldn't go so far as to say I couldn't forgive him because one of the major things I've worked on for myself is my willingness and ability to forgive (myself as well as others), but it was definitely a factor that had me leaning toward permenant Splitsville. It seems to me if he'd really been serious about wanting to get back together all that time, he would have made sure that we wouldn't have had to deal with something as serious as an outside addition to our family, because that's potentially could have been. I just couldn't handle that level of carelessness and negligence.....downright recklessness. And not to say that I didn't have folk that I'd dealt with, but I made for DAMN sure that an unwanted pregnancy was not going to be an issue. That was a level of complication I did not want in our lives.

I still think about her from time to time. I hope she's ok.


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