Adventures in Divorce

I always wondered why people who murdered their spouses didn't just get a divorce.... I now understand why

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Location: Nap Town, Indie-anne-ahhhhhh!, United States

No, I'm not a prophetess. Cassandra, according to Greek mythology, spurned the advances of the Greek god Apollo and her gift of prophecy was cursed so that her predictions would never be believed. Such is my life. I tend not to think like most people, which is a gift... but also a curse. So step into my mind, take off your shoes and stay for awhile... you're always welcome, loved ones.

July 5, 2008

Mourning at weddings

As I've stated before, I know that it is unrealistic to expect that the feelings you have about your significant other will always be as strong and passionate as the day you met/married them..... love in marriages ebbs and flows. But what happens when it flows out and doesn't flow back?? I'm sure you can guess.

These were some thoughts I had a little less than I year before I got separated.....

***********

(Originally posted Sunday July 23, 2006)

Yesterday evening I went to a wedding... not just a wedding, but one of THE weddings that signifies the coming of Armageddon-- one of The Ex's friends from high school actually tied the knot (and yes, I went to church today so I can start getting myself right). The whole thing was beautiful, yet very simple.... my favorite types of weddings because the focus is on the love of the couple and not the flowers, the bridesmaid dresses, the decorations. God must be very pleased with their union because they couldn't have asked for a more perfect day for an outdoor wedding (The groom's dad only gave one specific thank you, and that was to whoever sacraficed the goat to have such a perfect day).

I usually cry at weddings (for whatever odd reason people cry at weddings) but I didn't at this one. I made sure I held it in because I knew that once I started, I wouldn't be able to stop. I think a lot of people cry with tears of happiness; however, the tears that I worked to hold back (and had to go to the bathroom a few times to wrestle with in private) were tears of sadness, tears of loss. My heart melted (or did it fracture?) as the bride and groom danced their first dance together as husband and wife to Stevie Wonder's "Overjoyed" and as the groom danced with is beautiful new wife, he sang along in her ear.....

While I was very happy for The Ex's friend and his bride and all of their friends and family, was sad for myself. Somewhere between July 24, 1999 and July 23, 2006, something got lost along the way, and I'm reminded of it when I go to weddings and see the happiness and hope on the faces of the bride and groom. Somewhere amongst raising kids and working and paying bills and the daily struggles of just trying to get along with a person besides yourself, I think love can slip through the cracks into a dark corner, alone and forgotten. Then marriage just becomes a matter of maintaining.... all your efforts go into keeping the ship in one piece and keeping the damn thing afloat, so that you forget why you got on the ship in the first place and its just a matter of trying not to drown in the middle of the ocean.

I wish I could go back and find that feeling.... or is it just normal for it to be gone? I wouldn't know.... although my parents are still together, and both my grandmothers were married until the day my grandfathers died (same day, about 4 years apart; coincidentally my dad's birthday... bummer) none of the 3 couples were/are happy. My grandparents fought incessantly; I remember my grandparents refusing to ride in the same car to church, my grandmother complaining about having to cook breakfast for "that skinny-ass man"; it was often a tense environment, even though I only saw each of them at most twice a year growing up. Same with my parents....when they are actually getting along, I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. But they stayed together. Is life and marriage just supposed to be miserable like that in order to reap the "benefits" of marriage? I hope not, because I can't live that way the rest of my life.

I don't want to be a person who is in love with being in love.... that's just not a viable and realistic way to live life. But I also shouldn't feel so irritated, so "just leave me alone and quit bothering me", so lacking in affection. I'm tired of being pulled in directions I don't want to go and have to go through the motions just to keep the peace. Tired of being misunderstood, but not even understanding myself what I'm looking for. I just don't know.... I've got nobody to guide me. I'm just tired of mourning at weddings.

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Adventures in Divorce: Mourning at weddings

Mourning at weddings

As I've stated before, I know that it is unrealistic to expect that the feelings you have about your significant other will always be as strong and passionate as the day you met/married them..... love in marriages ebbs and flows. But what happens when it flows out and doesn't flow back?? I'm sure you can guess.

These were some thoughts I had a little less than I year before I got separated.....

***********

(Originally posted Sunday July 23, 2006)

Yesterday evening I went to a wedding... not just a wedding, but one of THE weddings that signifies the coming of Armageddon-- one of The Ex's friends from high school actually tied the knot (and yes, I went to church today so I can start getting myself right). The whole thing was beautiful, yet very simple.... my favorite types of weddings because the focus is on the love of the couple and not the flowers, the bridesmaid dresses, the decorations. God must be very pleased with their union because they couldn't have asked for a more perfect day for an outdoor wedding (The groom's dad only gave one specific thank you, and that was to whoever sacraficed the goat to have such a perfect day).

I usually cry at weddings (for whatever odd reason people cry at weddings) but I didn't at this one. I made sure I held it in because I knew that once I started, I wouldn't be able to stop. I think a lot of people cry with tears of happiness; however, the tears that I worked to hold back (and had to go to the bathroom a few times to wrestle with in private) were tears of sadness, tears of loss. My heart melted (or did it fracture?) as the bride and groom danced their first dance together as husband and wife to Stevie Wonder's "Overjoyed" and as the groom danced with is beautiful new wife, he sang along in her ear.....

While I was very happy for The Ex's friend and his bride and all of their friends and family, was sad for myself. Somewhere between July 24, 1999 and July 23, 2006, something got lost along the way, and I'm reminded of it when I go to weddings and see the happiness and hope on the faces of the bride and groom. Somewhere amongst raising kids and working and paying bills and the daily struggles of just trying to get along with a person besides yourself, I think love can slip through the cracks into a dark corner, alone and forgotten. Then marriage just becomes a matter of maintaining.... all your efforts go into keeping the ship in one piece and keeping the damn thing afloat, so that you forget why you got on the ship in the first place and its just a matter of trying not to drown in the middle of the ocean.

I wish I could go back and find that feeling.... or is it just normal for it to be gone? I wouldn't know.... although my parents are still together, and both my grandmothers were married until the day my grandfathers died (same day, about 4 years apart; coincidentally my dad's birthday... bummer) none of the 3 couples were/are happy. My grandparents fought incessantly; I remember my grandparents refusing to ride in the same car to church, my grandmother complaining about having to cook breakfast for "that skinny-ass man"; it was often a tense environment, even though I only saw each of them at most twice a year growing up. Same with my parents....when they are actually getting along, I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. But they stayed together. Is life and marriage just supposed to be miserable like that in order to reap the "benefits" of marriage? I hope not, because I can't live that way the rest of my life.

I don't want to be a person who is in love with being in love.... that's just not a viable and realistic way to live life. But I also shouldn't feel so irritated, so "just leave me alone and quit bothering me", so lacking in affection. I'm tired of being pulled in directions I don't want to go and have to go through the motions just to keep the peace. Tired of being misunderstood, but not even understanding myself what I'm looking for. I just don't know.... I've got nobody to guide me. I'm just tired of mourning at weddings.

Labels: ,