January 14, 2013
June 28, 2012
But what about that time period between wondering and happily ever after? That time period when you are wrestling with your feelings and thoughts and doubts and fears and anger and sadness? Many of us make the mistake of turning to our friends. But you ask, isn't that what friend are there for? To support you and help you through your troubles? Well.... yes and no.
But, remember how you told your homeboy about how your lady slapped your momma and then made out with your third cousin? Or how you told your homegirl that your dude took your car and was spotted joyriding with scallywags on 38th Street? Yea, you may have forgave and forgotten, but your friend didn't. They didn't have the
Most friends do play along with the legal/life fiction that nothing happened, and chalk it up to it just being typical relationship shit, because we have all been on both the giving and receiving end of this scenario. Nevertheless, the reality is that friends are placed in an awkward situation when you dump your relationship problems on them. Their loyalty as your friend is to you, and it is only natural that they don't want to see you hurt. By telling them about all of the details of your dispute with your mate, you are positioning your mate in your friend's mind as the Enemy, that person that made you hurt and cry. Friends aren't there for the make-up sex and reconciliation; they are there when you are at your worst, and that is what they remember. Even if your friends go along as if nothing happened just as you are, you have still made your mate seem like a horrible person to them, and that memory lingers. And in a way, you also make yourself look like an idiot fool for going back to them. Either way, it's just not a good look for anyone involved.
So, unless you have retained an attorney and are drawing up the divorce papers, don't tell your friends about every argument and craptastic thing your mate has done to you. And even then, people get back together (I recently had a friend do that, and the first time I saw her out with her no-longer-estranged husband was kind of aw-kward). Better yet, it is probably best to just keep it to yourself, because you don't know what is going to happen a day or week or month later, and most likely it'll be that you two will kiss and make up. Your friends can still be there for you for emotional support, but keep it generic. They can know that you are going through it with your ladyfriend/gentleman lover without having to know EVERYTHING. Also, pick and choose to whom you tell what. Some friends just know when you are talking shit or being irrational and have no problems telling you so, while others will take everything you say to heart and be ready to
Yes, the urge to relationship rant is strong, and we all succumb to it at times, and as human beings and social creatures we will continue to give it and receive it. However, next time you have to urge to get something off of your chest, just think about where that something goes, and what it does when it gets there.
June 23, 2012
Lately I have been getting into and trying to implement principles from The Secret, which basically explains the Laws of Attraction. In a nutshell, the Laws of Attraction are based on the premise that like attracts like, and we have the power to visualize what we want (and sometimes what we don't want) in our minds to attract it to us. It has been a bit of a work in progress; my lawyer brain struggles to believe that we can control the Universe with our thoughts, but I'm trying to be positive about it, which at the very least is a good way to be in general, whether you believe you can correct your own eyesight by believing you can see better or cause checks to spontaneously flood into your mailbox. But this is not about that.
One chapter of the audiobook that caught my attention was the section on relationships. Now, this is one area where I do believe what you think and how you feel dictates what type of people and energy you attract. If you are a negative person, you will continue to attract drama and negativity, and same for the converse. One example that was given in the book was of a woman who wanted to meet Mr. Right and had thus far had no luck. Besides visualizing the type of person she wanted to meet, someone pointed out to her that she always parked in the middle of her garage and told her that she was not behaving in a way which indicated to the Universe that she wanted to share her space-- and life-- with someone else. So the woman started parking on one side of the garage, and lo and behold she meets the man of her dreams.
I don't know if moving a car five feet to the left was the direct cause of this woman meeting her soul mate. But what I do believe is that symbolic act put her in the mindset where she was open to meeting someone, and it caused her to give off the vibes that attracted that person to her. Part of the laws of attraction is to behave in a way that is consistent with what you want in your life.
Which then got me to thinking.......I looked down at my left hand. I always wore a ring on my middle finger that was a lovely Sajen moon face carved out of bone that looked like this:
I bought it when I quit wearing my wedding ring, as a "replacement" of sorts. I got tons of compliments on it over the years, and it was so well loved that the little face had worn so flat that it was barely distinguishable. Even though I wore it on my middle finger, I thought to myself "When I do get married again, there is no way I would be wearing this on my middle finger next to my wedding ring" (because I am a one ring per hand kind of girl). I also thought about what the ring had symbolized for me, which was "I am single now." That symbolism is in direct conflict with what I want for my life, which is to get married again. So I took it off and put it away in a box.
Which then got me to thinking.........what other symbolic things in my life were conflicting with my ultimate goal for my relationship? I started by looking down. I have been into piercings and body art since the age of 18, but now all I have left piercing-wise are 2 gauge stretched ears, a navel ring, and an..... um..... "intimate" piercing. The jewelry I was wearing I'd had for YEARS, because I have been long past the stage of constantly buying new jewelry, and the piercings were just there because they were just a part of me in my adult life. But I got to thinking about that fact, and the fact that they had been with me THE ENTIRE TIME from the end of my marriage, through the "dating", up to this point where I am in my current relationship, and instantly decided: they had to go, ASAP. I wanted my beau to be the only person with the pleasure and privilege of touching the jewelry in these special places, just as I want him to be the only person who touches me period. So I got on Amazon at 1:30 a.m. and ordered a new navel ring (with my zodiac sign, Cancer, because I just cannot resist the double entendre of the symbol) and a new..... um......"intimate" ring, and I finally got both of them in the mail.
|Cancers have the best symbol|
I threw the old belly ring in a box, and the old "other" jewelry straight in the trash. I actually had started the "jewelry purge" a few years ago when I sold my Tiffany lock necklace that The Ex had got me for Christmas one year (one, because I was no longer going to acquiesce in his little joke that he had me on "lock"..... ha! and two, because I was broke) and my beau bought me a new Tiffany peace necklace which I wear 355 our of 365 days a year. But I hadn't thought about the symbolism and implications of the other jewelry until recently.
So now my mission is to identify all of the things-- big and small-- in my life that symbolically are connected with the past and are in conflict with my relationship moving forward to the next level. I know that these things can't speed up or force the hand of the other person in this equation, but I know in my mind and spirit that I will be fully prepared for what comes next.
June 19, 2012
June 18, 2012
February 27, 2012
Of course I have changed. I am no longer the sad, frustrated, misunderstood, repressed individual that you knew back then. I no longer have to pretend that I want a life that I am clearly unhappy with; clear to everyone but myself. I have found the peace of self-acceptance and the courage to want more.
November 6, 2011
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August 11, 2011
I know that all parents get emotional at the thought of their child, especially their first child, reaching the official end of their childhood, getting ready to go off into the world as a (legal) adult, the "emptying of the nest" so to speak. But for me, it goes much deeper. When I was at my son's age, he was already a year and a half old. This day seemed light years and infinite impossibilities away. I myself still had to go to college, go to grad school, make life mistakes, grow and develop while simultaneously getting that baby boy to the point he is at now—an honor student and star football player at one of the best private high schools in the state. I cannot even put the struggle into words, and indeed I don't. Whenever someone asks me "How in the hell did you graduate from high school with honors, graduate from undergrad with honors, graduate from law school with honors, and become a lawyer, all while raising young children?" my answer is always "I don't know… I just did it." My tears are not just tears of sadness; they are tears of relief, triumph, joy, exhaustion, and pride both in my son and in me—a full glass case of emotion. Yes, all parents have their struggles, but you have to admit….. I pulled off an impossible—or at the least, highly statistically improbable—feat. Most people have trouble with either being an honor student or raising an honor student exclusively. I did BOTH. Simultaneously. And for that, I think I deserve a few moments of emotion and reflection.
And celebration, dammit! Yes, we still have the school year ahead and much work to do, getting him through all his honors classes, getting him into college (and a good financial aid package, because momma is still Sallie Mae's indentured servant herself), and hopefully through another championship football season. But I think for right now, after work I am going to set the sadness aside and celebrate this small, yet monumental, milestone victory. A Bazbeaux veggie pizza with extra goat cheese and a bottle of red wine to celebrate embarking on the final chapter of the first volume of my Son's life, and I shall toast to victories won and those yet to be accomplished.
August 10, 2011
Fast forward three years. I decided to take the Dating Personality Test again to see just where I am now. And the results are...... *drumroll please*
"Playful, kind, and well-loved, you are The Peach.
For such a warm-hearted, generous person, you’re surprisingly experienced in both love and sex. We credit your spontaneous side; you tend to live in the moment, and you don’t get bogged down by inhibitions like most women your age. If you see something wonderful, you confidently embrace it.
You are a fun flirt and an instant sweetheart, but our guess is you’re becoming more selective about long-term love. It’s getting tougher for you to become permanently attached; and a guy who’s in a different place emotionally might misunderstand your early enthusiasm. You can wreck someone simply by enjoying him.
Your ideal mate is adventurous and giving, like you. But not overly intense."
Your exact female opposite:
The Nymph - Deliberate Brutal Sex Dreamer
The Loverboy (RGLM)
The Playboy (RGSM)
The Boy Next Door (RGLD)
The False Messiah (DBLM)
I am pretty pleased with the result. I went from a Random Gentle Sex Master to Random Gentle Love Master. I know that I have evolved over the years, but I was somewhat worried that I had changed way too much, gone "soft." Apparently, not so. I am still the same fun-loving, spontaneous, free-spirited person, but with one very important change: "you’re becoming more selective about long-term love." Being a Playstation was fun, life as a Peach is much, much more satisfying.
August 1, 2011
Dear Parental Units,
I think we need to have a little chat. I realize that divorce doesn't just affect the couple and the kids, but involves everyone in the family. You get used to having someone around for 14 years and then all the sudden they have been cut out of the picture and you may not even be privy to the reasons why (though if you cared, you would ask and try to understand....but you didn't). In somewhat fairness to you guys, this is exactly what happened. What makes it even more complex is that you, and especially dad, had to be parent figures to The Ex in a more literal sense than just that of in-laws since we had been together since we were 15 years old, he didn't have his dad around and had a mother who was too busy going to the gambling boat and to the Caribbean to pay him much mind. I understand all of that, and I understand that for whatever reason, you might actually still like this person that I now try my hardest to only slightly loathe. After all, you were not there when he was making bad choices for our household, treating me like I was an idiot, putting holes in my walls, spending my money indiscriminately like he was the one who graduated from law school and was earning the majority of the money, disregarding my feelings, and just generally not being a good match for me when I finally grew up and became my own person (a person which I'm sure you don't really even know). But things have changed, and I need for you to recognize that. I know it may be harder for you to cut him out of your lives than it has been for me, and that you may still have some sort of affection for this individual.
But hello.... hi.... remember me, your actual flesh and blood daughter??
I wish you would get a clue and realize that I am no longer married, have not been married in over 3 years, and thus my ex husband is no longer your son-in-law. I wish you would realize that, hey, I am your daughter and thus your loyalties should lie with me, not him. I wish you would recognize that I have moved on and have someone new in my life that I love and who will eventually (hopefully) become your new son-in-law soon. I wish you would realize that this person and I no longer get along. But no, you constantly desire to disregard and step on toes and disrespect and not realize there is a new world order and that everyone needs to get with the program. It was bad enough that you weren't there for me while I was actually going through the divorce, but this has gone on long enough and needs to STOP.
That time when dad came to Son's football game and walked right past me and my beau to go sit with The Ex, his mother and her boyfriend, and his new baby momma without saying hi to us, then later coming to sit with us toward the end of the game?? Not cool. Talking and laughing it up when we're at Daughter's cheerleading competition and hardly acknowledging The Beau's and my presence?? Not gonna cut it. Dad involving himself in the middle of a misunderstanding between The Ex and The Beau that The Ex should have just been able to handle himself like any other real man would do?? Nu-uhh.
Mom, though you never wanted to acknowledge it with us, you of all people know how this divorce thing works and the feelings involved and the changes that must be made to the family structure. How would you have felt if Grandma and Grandpa had ignored and disregarded Dad, and every time you turned around they were being chummy with my sister's father? Dad, how would you feel if they always acted like you weren't now the most important man in Mom's life? Neither one of you would have liked that scenario, so why can't I get the same consideration?
Now, I do realize that I am not yet remarried, and perhaps that is why you have been slow to make changes. But c'mon, Mom and Dad, it has been three years that The Beau and I have been together. Obviously this isn't just a passing fling. I do not want to have to wait until after I am married and have a huge blow up in order to make you realize that how you have been acting is not cool. Our family already isn't the closest, and I do not want this to be an unnecessary reason for causing more distance between us. Do you want to be part of my new life and eventually my new family? Yes? Well, some changes are going to need to happen first.
I guess I am just going to have to make my feelings explicit, and hopefully this time you will actually pay attention to me instead of just changing the subject. Perhaps for once you will try to understand me and change you actions because you actually do care how I feel. Maybe.
P.S. Please pass this along to The Ex: "Stay the fuck away from my family.They are not your family anymore, so quit trying to involve yourself, quit calling my dad for advice or to "tattle" on me, quit trying to act like I didn't kick your ass to the curb for good reason. Your voice grates on my nerves like a thousand nails on a chalkboard and I wish you would shut up with your incessant talking. Quit stalking my family on Facebook and asking me about people's new jobs or babies, because they are absolutely none of your concern. I didn't need your words of sympathy when my favorite artist died, because you only liked her because I liked her, and I really don't care that you regret never getting to see her in concert. And PLEASE STOP with the.attempts to go down memory lane every single fucking time you speak to me. I'm sick of hearing "Remember that time when we...." No, I probably don't because I was miserable with you back then, even before I realized it, so my brain has selectively blocked out much of my past. You have your own new little family now that you had even before the divorce decree was signed. And why don't you go try to be a daddy to that baby you accidentally brought into this world with some other random chick instead of meddling in my world? You have a helluva lot of other things in your life to worry about besides what's going on in mine and my family's. I don't know what you are trying to do or prove, but all the proof that is needed is that divorce decree, my new last name, and the fact that I have moved on with someone else who loves me the way that I need and deserve to be loved. Go away. You are not wanted or needed. You lose. Good day."