A Crash Course in Heartbreak

(originally posted May 5, 2008)

I've never really had the opportunity to know heartbreak. I've been fortunate enough to get through almost 30 years of life without having to suffer from it's brutal full frontal assault. Never had to go through all the adolescent and young woman rites of passage and perform the post-break up rituals....no Ben & Jerry pints after sitting home alone all day with the shades drawn next to a pile of snotty, tear soaked tissues. I feel like a grown woman who's never had the chicken pox.....the severity of the condition now is much worse because I lack the resiliancy and adaptability of youth.

This is a different kind of heartbreak, tho. It's not the heartbreak of being a dumpee. Its heartbreak that results from the conscious decision to end a relationship that is just doomed to failure....it'll never live up to the needs and expectations of those involved....it's not an "I don't want you anymore" but more of a "I don't want THIS anymore." It's like being forced to amputate your own limb, like some stranded hiker trapped in an avalanche, as opposed to having a surgeon or an unfortunate accident do it for you. And, like self amputation, its a much longer, more drawn out process. No quick and dirty and then right to the business of tending to the wound and healing. There are still the tenative phonecalls, the hesitant e-mails, trying to finally create that divide that you tell yourself is for the best, but feels like the worst.

This shyt hurts. Its not only the loss of what was, it's the loss of what could have been but never was going to be. It's the slow death of hope, the drawn out cessation of dreams. But on I move, (hopefully) to a better place where I can be loved in the way I deserve and need to be loved. But for now it's putting an end to what was an inevitale result....loss.

See you next lifetime......