Waxing poetic

ambiguous 'cause you wanted to remain hopeful'cause we never dealt with itbut I've never lied to you about my intentionsand what I wantednever(October 10, 2007.... but it still hur...

Randomly Numbered Haiku No. 376: Untitled

I sometimes forget,But wish for more reminders,That men feel love, too.(September 24, 20...

Love vs. Desire

I recently finished reading the book "All He Ever Wanted" by Anita Shreve (author of Oprah Book Club book "The Pilot's Wife".... also another worthwhile read). It's written from the perspective of a man who is recouting his marriage to a woman with whom he, arguably, experienced love at first sight and the experience of not having that love returned. I couldn't help but note the parallels between this character's marriage and my own, at least my own toward The End. In the book, the main character, Nicholas Van Tassle, meets a woman as he is assisting her following a fire, and from then on is determined...

Extraordinarily Human

(originally posted Saturday, December 30, 2006)"Illnesses of mood distort and magnify what is human; they do not destroy it." -- Elliot Pearlman, Seven Types of AmbiguityMy friends who know me well are aware that I've had almost a lifelong struggle with clinical depression. I don't broadcast it to the general public, but it's not a state secret, either. Part of the reason for that is because I believe that there needs to be more awareness of mental health issues such as these, and that depression should not be stigmatized as a weakness of character, but rather a health condition just like diabetes...

My Dating Personality

A friend of mine had me take a Dating Test on okcupid.com, which he SWEARS that its results, plus a person's 5 favorite movies, will tell you everything you need to know about a potential boo-thang candidate. There are 32 "dating types" possible (16 male and 16 female) based on a 4 factor combination (Random vs. Deliberate, Gentle vs. Brutal, Sex vs. Love, Master vs. Dreamer). I've been making all of my friends take it just out of sheer curiosity because the results seem to be so on point (not to mention them, and the test itself, are highly amusing)....

The new man in my life

Friday night the kids were home with me; Daughter was sleep on the couch and Son was in his room reading a book for school. I poked my head into my dear Son's room and had this exchange:Me: I'll be right back, I have to go across the street and get my foil.Son: What, to Aldi's? (it's 11 at night... um no)Me: No, across the parking lot. I told you I couldn't make those cookies because I left my foil at the Neighbors'.Son: *raised eyebrow* The Neighbors? How's that work..... how did you meet them?Me: Uh well there aren't many black people in this apartment complex so you kind of just end up saying...

"I will never have a family again...."

The Ex made a disturbing comment to me yesterday about his family being destroyed and him never having a family again. He said he will never give 100% of himself, never full integrate his life with someone else's, and when the going gets tough he'll just get divorced again. He said that some things only come with "the first time around", as if an subsequent marriages and family are somehow not as legitimate. I told him that's a sad way to view life, love and family.I don't know why this JUST now dawned on me, but that comment really was a slap in the face to me AND my family. He always talks...

And it all falls down....

I don't even know where to start. My trip to Chi was crappy on so many fronts.... it was just an amalgamation of bad vibery. First of all, I get half way to Chi and get a text from my alleged dinner date saying that he had a meeting at 7:15. 7:15?? Are you serious?? I'd told him that I had to be at the club by 10 so that I could get in, but he assured me that we'd have PLENTY of time. Uh huh. Something told me to stop and get something quick to eat, and I'm SO glad I did, because I get to Chi, stop off and change the fastest I've ever changed in my life (shower, change clothes, AND makeup in less...

Uuuuuugggghhhh!!!

Uuuuuuggggghhhhh! I just wanna fight somebody right now! And that's all I have to say about th...

Cougar in wait

At the restaurant......It's 6:34 and I'm at Fogo de Chao waiting on a just turned 21 year old boy young man to show up for dinner. Our reservations were for 6:30. Not that I'm never late, but dude......you begged and begged to let this 30 year old take her out, you think you'd be on your Ps and Qs. Its not THAT big of a deal, but I hate waiting. And looking for things. Or people. Anyway, despite my insistence that I'm old as fuck (but not for the Earth) he said he wanted to take me out, anywhere I wanted to go, and what do I eat? I said "steak". I was recently informed that for some reason, women...

"Kiss my placenta...."

E.Badu and her daughter, PumaI. Love. Erykah. Badu. Period. I would just love to sit in a room with her and just feel her presence and her vibe, and just listen to her dialogue. Below is a blog posting (allegedly originally posted on okayplayer.com, but I couldn't find it) that she wrote in response to all the criticisms and insults that have been directed toward her regarding her 3rd pregnancy, and I must say that it touched me to the CORE because she addresses many issues that I have/will/am about to address with this blog. I'm feeling her....

For the kids.....?

For anyone who is married with children, the #1 consideration in deciding whether a divorce is the right thing to do is how it will impact the kids. Despite what anyone may think, my feelings about my Ex (or lack thereof) were secondary in consideration. Of course it is ideal for children to be reared in a two parent household with both their natural parents, but in reality, that's not always possible for whatever reason.... whether that's because the parents never married in the first place or, like my situation, the marriage ends in divorce. I had the "ideal" situation despite the odds that...

"Not to know is bad...."

“Not to know is bad. Not to wish to know is worse.” -- Nigerian ProverbThis past weekend I had the opportunity to take a free-99 trip to Expo as a volunteer. After my shift was over I found myself with a few hours to kill. Following an unsuccessful attempt to find Dwele (nobody there knew who he is....damn shame) I took a gander at the Health Fair and decided to take advantage of some of the free screenings. I know I'm blind as a bat, have high blood pressure,am prone to depression and am somewhat overweight (though the fans aren't complaining) so I skipped those. But there, looming in the middle...

Harry Potter on unattainable love

"Meanwhile, the second brother journeyed to his own home, where he lived alone. Here he took out the stone that had the power to recall the dead, and turned it thrice in his hand. To his amazement and his delight, the figure of the girl he had once hoped to marry, before her untimely death, apeared at once before him. Yet she was sad and cold, separated from him as by a veil. Though she had returned to the mortal world, she did not truly belong there and suffered. Finally the second brother, driven mad with hopeless longing, killed himself as to truly join her. And so, Death took the second brother...

The Fact Is......

Another one of my pre-divorce musings that shed a wee bit of light on "what happened?" (originally posted Monday, July 24, 2006.... coincidentally, our anniversary): ****************I can pay my own light bill babyPump my own gas in my own carI can buy my own shoe collectionI've been blessed thus farI can kill the spider over my bedAlthough it's hard because I'm scaredI can even stain and polyurethaneBut some things just don't changeI need you yeahSometimes so hard to say ohI need youSome things remainI could buy my own groceries babyGet my hair tight, my nails rightI can floss my own bling blingWrite...

Not So Monogamist Mallards

I used to admire mallard ducks. I'd heard that they are one of the very few species in the world that mates for life. You always see the little duck couples together.... swimming, waddling across the street, looking for food. They're just so CUTE, knowing that they are together forever. One of the saddest sights I've ever seen was a male mallard duck standing over the body of a female mallard who had apparently been hit by a car. You could just see and feel the sadness in the little duck.... lost, lonely. I once strived to be like the mallard duck, faithful and true for all my days.But then I...

WANTED: Sugar Daddy

So the new iPhone 3G came out today and I had plans to go buy one for $199.... until I followed the asterisk to the fine print that said it was for NEW AT&T customers only; I'd have to pay $399 AND go ahead and renew my contract for another 2 years. Curses. I remarked to my boy who eats, sleeps and BREATHES Apple that I needed a Sugar Daddy so I could get one (he says he needs a Sugar Mama right now as well), which made me think about this post I wrote back in May 2006:***********WANTED: Male of any age who is willing to provide a hard working, 20-something year old (*well, now 30-something...

The S Word

My 30th birthday was just this past Wednesday. A lot of 29 year olds dread the coming of their 30th, but I was jubilant, buoyant, on cloud 9. Even though I felt like microwaved death half the day because my Neighbors insisted on taking me out to celebrate Tuesday night, I just couldn't stop smiling. Even when I went to my son's CLD graduation program and had to see my daughter sitting with her new "family", I still felt amazing as I walked sauntered across that stage in my stiletto sandals to get my parent participant certificate (all the parents who participated in the program had to sit together,...

Access Denied

So I called my son this evening and asked him how things were going.... how was his weekend, how's practice, how's his week, etc. He seemed a little bummed so I asked what was wrong, so he proceeds to tell me about some issues he's been having with The Ex's girlfriend's daughter and how he feels like he's been put into an unfair position as far as his level of responsibility for her. I then hear The Ex screaming at him in the background for talking to me about it, saying "Don't talk to her about that!! She can't do shit about anything going on over here!" I kept my cool, and calmly assured...

If you love something, set it free.....

I recently received a comment to one of my postings (anonymous..... I don't know why I allow them because I'd prefer to know who I'm dialoging with, but since I'm all about open discourse I know that some people are more comfortable under the cloak of anonymity) and at the end it stated "Maybe his next wife will do him better", as the author of the comment assumed that I did not abide by the Golden Rule and treat my Ex as I wanted to be treated. That's not so. At least, up until the end it wasn't.Diagnosing what "went wrong" in a relationship leading up to divorce can't be explained in 27 blog...

Seeing the head naked of its skull

Being divorced and having joint custody of children gives a girl a lot of alone time to think and reflect and contemplate and soul search. Over the past year, I've realized just how much of an impact, paticularly negative impact, that The Ex had on my confidence and self esteem. Finally being able to step back from the situation and compare pre- and post-relationship has allowed me to see this.I am in the process of reading the book "Their Eyes Were Watching God" by Zora Neale Hurston, which is regarded as a classic and great work of African-American literature. (I'm only half way through it,...

A Crash Course in Heartbreak

(originally posted May 5, 2008)I've never really had the opportunity to know heartbreak. I've been fortunate enough to get through almost 30 years of life without having to suffer from it's brutal full frontal assault. Never had to go through all the adolescent and young woman rites of passage and perform the post-break up rituals....no Ben & Jerry pints after sitting home alone all day with the shades drawn next to a pile of snotty, tear soaked tissues. I feel like a grown woman who's never had the chicken pox.....the severity of the condition now is much worse because I lack the resiliancy...

One day, on your own terms........?

A new addition to my list of all time favorite movies is Juno. It is near and dear to my heart obviously because it is a movie about teenage pregnancy. The Ex and I had our son when we were sophomores in high school..... I was not quite 16. I have basically put a mental block on that entire year, and even the rest of high school after that is kind of fuzzy. The movie Juno, however, was/is highly effective in dredging up all those burried emotions. Whenever I need to get a good cry out, I put Juno in the DVD player (I could use one now in fact).The scene that causes me to just absolutely lose it...

The Last Anniversary

The last anniversary we "celebrated" together was our 7 year anniversary (ironic, huh?). I use the term "celebrate" very loosely because there wasn't much celebration that ever went on in our relationship. Anniversaries, birthdays and holidays were rarely planned out special days..... kind of half-hearted, lackluster, after the fact events. The Ex would often blame this on his Jehovah's Witness upbringing, even though he hadn't stepped foot in a Kingdom Hall in all the time I've known him and neither has his mother. But to me that was a cop out because it's not like he had some active religious...