Forgiveness: A relationship with time

The act of forgiveness is the act of returning to present time.
And that's why when one has become a forgiving person,
and has managed to let go of the past,
what they've really done is they've shifted their relationship with time.

~ Caroline Myss ~

I once heard forgiveness defined as the letting to of the desire to see another person suffer. When someone has wronged us, we naturally want them to pay for what they have done.... some retribution of sorts. The inability to forgive, however, is desiring to see that person pay that retribution over, and over, and over again. Until we completely let go of that desire, we have not truly forgiven. This is one of the most difficult feats of humanity, and even harder than forgiving others is the act of forgiving one's self.

I did something to hurt someone that I really care about (and no, for once I DON'T want to discuss it). We've discussed it a few times and I always remind him that I'm sorry for what happened, but can't go back and change the past and bottom line that there's nothing I can do or say about it to make it better and that all I can do is move forward. I think this has been misinterpreted as a lack of remorse or some sort of after the fact justification..... not at all. I am really sorry about the situation, and I am saddened by how it changed things, but I've also accepted that I must live in the present and I must forgive myself. I can't continue to beat myself up over something I cannot change.

Living in the past and wishing you could go back and change things is pointless. Conversely, wishing another person can go back and change what they did is pointless, too. What you can change and control, however, is how you deal with the present moment. Forgiveness is a matter of not focusing on the past, but instead focusing on the present and the future.... a shift in a relationship with time. And true forgiveness is not reverting back to the past period.... you can't say you forgive a person and be okay with them 90% of the time, but have that 10% constantly hanging over their head. That 10% still leeches into the fibers of the relationship and taints it, and ultimately destroys it.

I know this is a challenge, loved ones, but think about someone who has wronged you and make an effort to let go of the hurt, bitterness, and desire for emotional retribution. Or better yet, think of something that YOU have done to hurt someone else that you are beating yourself up over, and make efforts to accept that what is done is done and forgive yourself.

Unforgiveness is the poison you drink every day
hoping that the other person will die.

~ Debbie Ford ~

Hey.... that's ME! (a video tribute to locs)

My loctician posted a video that was put together by a woman in DC and posted on YouTube. It is a tribute to dreadlocks and features photos of various women-- both regular people and celebrities-- with beautiful locs (the video was NOT done by him or anyone affiliated with him). VERY much to my surprise, *I* am one of the women pictured in this montage! Ok, so this has nothing to do with divorce or dating or parenting (but it does have to do with love, for locs are truly a labor of love, and I love locs), but I just thought this was very cool and I'm really flattered and I just wanted to share:



And did you REALLY think I was gonna tell you which one is me?? Pshaw.... I keep my civilian life super duper uber top secret somewhat incognito for a reason. Those who know already know.

Emotional Baggage Sundays

Lemme go ahead and get this out real quick......

1. I'm starting to get really worried about my mother.... I thought she would be out of the hospital by this weekend, but I haven't heard any indication of when they're going transfer out of the ICU, let alone let her go home. She's been there for 2 full weeks now. Now they're trying to figure out why she's having a hard time eating. Seems like they're having to treat everything but the original condition she went in for. She just hasn't been taking care of herself (though I'm not one to talk.... just took my blood pressure in the mall today and it was 155/110). This time of year is especially hard on my mother (see below), which makes me worry about her more with her coming home right at holiday time. I also know I'm going to have to figure out the best way to arrange their house so that she doesn't have to go up and down the stairs because my dad's sense of logic seems to be waning over the years, and they will undoubtedly end up arguing over whether it's best to have her posted up upstairs or downstairs. I'm still worried that regardless of how we set it up, she'll disregard doctor's orders and overdo it anyway. *sigh*

2. I'm hoping Mom will be out by Thanksgiving, but Thanksgiving is going to suck regardless because there's nobody here but us (my parents, me and my kids), and she certainly is going to be in no condition to cook. My sister says she can't come for Thanksgiving because she needs to stay home and clean her house and go grocery shopping. *pause* Anyway, I think I'm going to just make a small meal myself with just the basics: turkey breast (not a whole turkey), greens, sweet potatoes, mac 'n cheese and dressing, and of course my famous sweet potato pie (ok, famous amongst my family members anyway). I actually enjoy cooking when I want to. Or perhaps we'll just end up going out to dinner (though I don't like the prospect of no leftovers). Guess I'll just make the best of it.

3. Today is the anniversary of both my grandfathers' deaths. By some terribly sick and bizarre coincidence, they both died on my dad's birthday a few years apart. I don't know why, but I've always felt like my Grandpa David represents ultimate unconditional love for me. I miss ice cream cones from McDonalds and being called his doodlebug.

4. As I mentioned, today is my dad's 60th birthday, and I'm sad because I'm too broke to do anything special. My mother wants to get him a turntable that converts vinyl records to MP3s, which is one of those things that I should be able to just go out and buy myself. I can't even go in on it, being that I'm having to borrow money from them (again) to get me by til I get paid from my contract job next month. My mom's 61st birthday was last week and I wasn't able to do anything special for her, either. In my mind I'd pictured doing real birthday parties for the both of them when they turned 60.

5. I know things are going to turn around after the first of the year, but right now I'm broke as......!!! And the more holiday ads I see, the more anxious it makes me. I should be ok by mid-December when some of my invoices get paid, but til then I'm kinda quite hurt.

That's not all, but that is all. On to proceed with the business of living, loved ones.

Divine in '09

So it looks like starting in January 2009 I will be resuming "normal" life.... yes, I WILL HAVE A JOB!! *does happy dance* After a year of worrying and uncertainty with my career, I got a job offer to work at a very progressive minority-owned firm that is growing by leaps and bounds. I'm VERY excited about the opportunities and have a very good feeling about the people and the work environment. I'm still awaiting the formal offer letter and have to sort out all the details (i.e. $$$), but I'm confident that things will work out and everything will be just fine *knock on wood*

So, I've come up with a "to do" list of things I want to do to get back up to speed and back on track once I have some regular income:

1. Pay back everyone to whom I owe money (it's just my parents and 1 friend, but still....)

2. Set up plans to pay down on all my debt and try to avoid filing bankruptcy.

3. Get all bills on automatic bill pay (INCLUDING my student loan).

4. Re-up the sexy of my Civic by repairing the front end and getting it detailed (it's too new to be looking like it does right now).

5. Buy some real bedroom furniture (tired of looking like I live in a dorm).

6. Convert Daughter's bedroom into an office/guest room.... including a desk, files, and a laptop. Son is never here, and when he is they both share "his" room anyway (which Daughter has taken over already). I've basically been paying for an extra bedroom for the baby turtle. I want my original image of how I wanted my home office to be, complete with relocating my ball python into it, a big Bettie Page poster, and a mini disco ball.

7. Clean out my closet and replenish my business/business causal wardrobe (a few trips to NY&Co. should do the trick).

8. Buy a new couch (mine is cute, but totally impractical for relaxing).

9. Put Daughter back in dance classes.

10. Get Pandora the Explorer (my ball python) a new tank set up (in the new office).

11. Set up Casey the Turtle's tank properly, complete with a filter, substrate, and a background.

12. Get carpets cleaned.

13. Start going to my locitican regularly (at least every 3 months).

14. Step up my shoe and hosiery game.

15. Start traveling more to visit friends (though with my mom's ability to go back to work for the airline being up in the air, this might be limited.... still, with the price of gas going down, I'm sure I can do a little road tripping).

16. Get both of my last 2 tattoos finished. My orchid tat actually needs about 1 more hour of work, and my dharmachakra between my shoulder blades needs..... something.... so people will quit asking me "What's up with the ship wheel?" (and my friend will stop calling me Captain Jack Sparrow). Definitely some color, and maybe adding something so that it goes from looking like THIS to something that that looks like this:

(actually, that's exactly what I want..... glad I found that hiding on my computer)

And overall, I just want to MANGE MY MONEY BETTER!!! I really think God put me through all this struggle the past year as a lesson, and I've learned that I don't need as much stuff as I thought (there will be WAY fewer impulse purchases, even off the clearance rack at Target) and that it's possible to "make it" off a lot less. I needed this "season" of my life to purge and rebuild..... the forest fire so that new life can spring forth.

2009 is my year, loved ones.... time to start living.

Geez, I was just joking.....

DISCLAIMER: The tagline on my blog is a joke. I don't advocate the unlawful termination of the life of anyone's Ex, no matter how much of an unreasonable and uncooperative ass he may be. So, don't let this happen to you:

Indianapolis woman convicted in murder-for-hire case

Jury finds woman guilty but mentally ill; she claimed entrapment

By Jon Murray
jon.murray@indystar.com

A jury Wednesday convicted an Indianapolis woman of conspiracy to commit murder in a case brought after she paid an undercover police officer to kill her ex-husband.

D'Antonette Burns, 35, was locked in a custody dispute over the couple's son. During an episode that lasted six weeks, she paid $3,000 and provided a gun to the detective before her arrest in September 2007 at Southwestway Park.

The jury returned a verdict of guilty but mentally ill. Burns faces 20 to 50 years in prison at sentencing Dec. 18.

Jurors began deliberations about 4:30 p.m. and announced their verdict about 8 p.m.

Prosecutors and her defense attorney painted starkly contrasting pictures of her mental state during the three-day trial this week before Judge Sheila A. Carlisle in Marion Superior Court.

Burns was either a cold, calculating woman hell-bent on killing her ex-husband -- or a battered woman whose vulnerability made her the perfect prey for an aggressive sting.

Her attorney, Kimberly Devane, said the sting amounted to entrapment. It began when a friend of Burns' told her ex-husband, Robert H. Mays Jr., that Burns was seeking a hit man.

Burns also pressed an insanity defense, arguing that physical abuse by Mays toward Burns and their son, Robert III, now 4, clouded her judgment and propelled her into the trap.

In testimony, Burns said the friend who alerted Mays, Jaja Endsley, was the one to suggest hiring a hit man. Once the presumed hit man called, she said, she feared he would harm her if she backed out.

"I don't know how to explain it," Burns said. "I knew it wasn't right. But then, I felt like I didn't have a choice -- like it was (Mays) or me."

Deputy Prosecutors John Keiffner and David Wyser disputed the defense claims, saying there was no concrete evidence of abuse against the boy. A judge acquitted Mays of domestic battery in a case involving Burns, and he won primary custody of their son in the divorce that ended their marriage.

Two court-appointed psychiatrists told the jury that they believed Burns, who had a history of depression, was aware of the wrongfulness of her actions.

"She knew what she was doing," Keiffner said, "and she made a choice."