$%*& Honesty! (a rant)

And now, before I proceed to do my taxes at the last freaking minute, a rant [insert standard disclaimer on the use of the F-word here]. On honesty.....

Pardon my French, but fuck honesty. *gasp* Ok, so I don't mean that generally.... honesty is (usually) the best policy. But I'm sick of being bamboozled into being honest about ish that is pointless and moot and only serves to cause problems instead of creating solutions. My attitude is this: Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to! And the corollary to this is if you do want to know the answer, know what you're going to do with that answer if and when you get it..... good or bad. Don't LIE to a person and tell them "It's ok, you can be honest, I won't get upset" or "I'd rather you be honest with me about this than tell me what I want to hear." BULLSHIT!!!! Jack Nicholson had it right.... You (meaning most people) can't HANDLE the truth! I'm starting to think that people prefer to be lied to. Last time I got bamboozled into being "honest, cuz I won't get mad...." I ultimately ended up here. You thought I would have learned my lesson..... guess not.

So this past weekend I had an Ex Encounter (an ex, not The Ex).... two, actually (same person). Once on Thursday when I was out with my girl, the second one was when I was out with my beau on Saturday. I hadn't spoken to this person in MONTHS, even when we were in the same places, but for some reason this past weekend we actually spoke, which is fine and good because I don't like pretending not to know someone when I OBVIOUSLY do.... that's childish and petty and we should be beyond that as adults..... right? But what was NOT fine and good was that my beau got upset when he walked by and said hi to me the second time I saw him out, and was even MORE upset when I got up to go to the bathroom and ran into said ex and stopped to tell him to please not step on toes like that (whether it was toe stepping is a debate for another blog post). Thought I handled it well.... right? Apparently not. So then comes the fight discussion about whether I should be cordial to this individual, whether I should still be friends with other individuals (don't worry, loved ones.... that post is in progress, but I had to get this rant out) and ultimately it came down to the question of "Do you still love this dude?"

(Time out: Anyone who has ever truly been in love with a person and then breaks up with said person knows that those feelings don't go away the moment you say "It's over." And there are some people that you will always have love for, even though you know and accept that it just wasn't meant to be. "Love" is way too inadequate of a word for the range of emotions and states and statuses it encompasses. The way I love my kids is not the same way I love my parents is not the same way I love my friends is not the same way I love my beau.... but they all use the same word. Love and Love are not synonyms.)

So back to the question..... being that the word "love" is inadequate, I tried to explain the exact nature of the love I have for this person (and another person who is a good friend of the opposite gender and is an entirely different genre of "love"), and that I will probably always "love" this person to a degree, but it's not a "love" that I am actively pursuing. It sits on a back corner of a shelf in basement where I've put it over the past several months. But once again, I get accused of "lawyering" and he just wants a one word answer: Yes or No. Well fine then, in that case I have to say yes, even though it's much more complex than that.

I should have just fucking lied.

Because if I had lied and said no, or just told him what he wanted to hear, everything would be hunky dory right now and I wouldn't be engaged in the Mexican stand-off of silent treatments and missing out on a prime week of nookie. I should have ignored the Siren-like lull of "I just want you to be honest with me" (as I crash and die on the rocks). My attitude and actions before that answer and after that answer didn't change a bit. So what's the MFing point???

(and hell, I even wrote about this a few weeks ago. And once again, I've been dammed for doing. FML.)

Personally, I only like random bits of useless information when it comes to trivia, not people. If I know of a problem or issue, I want to fix it. Otherwise, ignorance is bliss. I don't want to know how you feel about your ex, I don't want to know how many people you diddled before me (just that you're healthy), I don't want to know the details of what happened in that relationship purgatory when we were kickin' it but not an official couple..... because what am I going to do about any of those things??? If you seek out information, you will surely find it, and once you know something you can't un-know it. So then you have to do something with that knowledge. You only have a few options: (1) stay together and forget about it or (2) break up. Holding that info over a person's head is NOT acceptable. So just don't fucking ask if you're not willing to either do (1) or (2) if you get an answer you don't like.

Ok, this is getting long, and I still have to do my taxes, but I'm pissed right now for getting conned into being honest and getting dinged for it (once again). I wish I could say honesty in and of itself is its own incentive, but fuck that..... I'm not getting much positive reinforcement for the practice of honesty these days.

(and fuck my taxes, too.... I'll do 'em tomorrow. I'm tired.)

Reunited and it feels so GOOD!

I knew that I would see him again, but just not this soon. It seemed like it had been an eternity since we were last united, since I’d last felt his magical touch. I woke up that morning eagerly anticipating our eventual meeting later in the evening, and I busied myself to pass the time that stretched long and impatient as the sun made its trek from east to west. I made a minor fuss over what I should wear…. It had to be the right combination of comfort and style. I didn’t want to be too done up, yet I also did not want to be too casual, and an abundance of make-up was pointless because I always left with it smudged and streaked from heat and moisture. Finally the time had arrived. The drive seemed like 100 miles, 30 minutes seemed like 3 hours. I could hardly contain my excitement and anticipation as I made the trek up to Broadripple. I arrived at my destination and pulled up to the building; fortune smiled upon me as I found a space right up front. This was the moment I’d been longing after for months, but had prepared to wait for years. I walked up to the door and gingerly pushed it open. At first I looked around and didn’t see him, although I knew I was at the right place. Someone saw my look of confusion and directed me toward the back of the building. I walked around the corner and heard his familiar voice, so I quickened my step and hurried further into the building…… and there he was. After months of forced separation, we were reunited again. Time melted away and it seemed like nothing had been missed. We greeted each other and embraced briefly, but it was the embrace of someone who has been lost and now has been rescued. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. He sat me down and looked me over, asking me who had been taking care of me over the past several months. I told him I'd seen one person, but that it just wasn’t the same; nobody knows me as well, nobody has his skill and passion. After I had few drinks he started doing what he does best. Relief flooded over me as I felt the worries drop away one by one. Then came the moment I’d been dreaming about…. His touch was both gentle and firm, and it took everything I had not to audibly moan with pleasure. He worked his hands around, rubbing and kneading all the time and stress and cares away. Rub….. Lather….. Rinse….. Repeat…….........................................

Ok, y’all dirty MFs…. I’m talking about my beloved loctician! I’ve got him back!! As you may (not) recall, last November/December Karma gave me a swift kick in the arse and deprived me of one of the few things that has been a constant in my life for the past 8 years..... and that is my hair stylist (or more accurately, my loctician, because he only does locs).

(If you don't remember what happened, it's best to do some mandatory background reading: Please, Karma,Not my hair And the follow up: In Her Shoes Done? Ok, proceed.....)

I promised that the story would be continued..... so here it is. The shop where my loctician moved to, and the one which I was not allowed to patronize for, uh, "personal reasons", closed is relocating. I'd heard a rumor that the shop would be moving, and knowing my loctician like I do, I knew that the odds of him moving with them were just about nil unless they were staying in the same area (unlikely because the whole area is prime retail space), but I still wasn't going to get my hopes up too high. Sure enough, he gets a notice at the end of last month saying that the location was closing in 2 weeks. (*Pause* Two weeks notice to GTFO?? For real??? Yea, he was NOT happy.) On the one hand, I was uber ecstatic that my time in hair purgatory only lasted 5 months (I was bracing myself for YEARS of exile), but on the other hand I refrained from instantly bombarding him with e-mails begging to be the FIRST client at his new location because I know how much he hates upheaval, let alone upheaval that has to be done in such a short period of time. So I respected his time and space, sent him a few encouraging words, but as soon as I found out he landed a new spot, I was on it.

Take out all the sexual undertones to my monologue above and that pretty much sums up what happened (I was going to add that one of my friends who is also one of his clients happened to be in there as well, but I thought the allusion to a menage would be a little much). He shaped up my poor raggedy locs and gave me the best shampooing of my life. He told me to hold off on color and that we'd tackle that next time (I was waiting on him to bop me over the head with a bottle of hair oil for coloring it myself, but I think he understood my plight). It was so nice to be back in the chair I'd been in for the past 8 years, through almost my entire natural hair journey, having done numerous hair shows and photo shoots for him. I don't even have to tell him what I want.... I just trust him to do what he does best, knowing that he knows me well enough to give me what I want. I was so happy that I told him to go ahead and do me up and updo. And just so you can get a GLIMPSE into this man's skill, here's the end result:

And this (hopefully) concludes this particular adventure......All's well that ends well I guess (well, for me anyway). Thank you, Karma, for sparing me of years of deprivation. You can keep that rusty fork to yourself, my dear.

Fin.

(Oh, and check out Thierry Baptiste's amazing work.... he is truly a revolutionary in the natural hair and loc world. You haven't seen locs til you see Theirry's work.)

Family Smoothies

This past weekend I took my first "blended family" vacation.... a weekend trip to Washington D.C. to visit one of my BFFs. Actually it was more than just blended families.... it was a veritable family smoothie. I think we had every family scenario represented on this trip. Here's the rundown:

1. The Divorcee (i.e. Me) - I took my two kids, Son who is (almost) 15 and Daughter who is 10. I was married to their dad for 8 years, now divorced for 1.

2. The Single Dad - My beau has a son who is (almost) 8 who lives about three hours away. He's never been married, and he and his son's mother haven't been together since his son was a baby. We scooped him up on our way out to DC (even though it wasn't his weekend.... after much finagling and last minute kimfoolery on the part of BabyMomma, we were able to take him).

3. The Widower - My BFF's "partner" (but yes, he is a man.... she just hates the term "boyfriend" so we are stuck with this ill fitting and misleading label.... but forget labels, that's her love) is a widower. His wife died about 2 years ago and he is raising his two boys, ages 7 and 9. His deceased wife also had an older daughter, but she left to go live with other family after her mother died.

4. The Childless Single - My BFF has never been married and doesn't have any children of her own (much kudos to her). However, she has fully integrated herself into the boys' lives. She isn't sure if she wants any of her own biological kids (tho I think she's lying), but plays the mommy role better than I do (despite her protests that she doesn't know what she's doing).

5. The Foster Dad - We were able to (very) briefly meet up with a mutual friend and law school classmate of mine and my BFF who is currently a foster parent. He's divorced and has no children of his own, but last year he took in two boys, age 16 and 17 (which I TRULY commend.... how many single men do you know would take in damn-near-grown boys out of the foster system??).

I think the weekend went really well, despite trying to cram way to much into way too little time and trying to herd around 5 kids all over DC. The Cherry Blossom Festival was going on so it was a little crazy, but we managed to make it to the Japanese Cherry Blossom Street Fesitval, the National Museum of Natural History, saw a few monuments and landmarks (White House, WWII memorial, Washington Monument, etc.) and went to the Zoo. And because my Son came along, the adults were able to get out for some grown up fun at Lotus Saturday night..... all he wanted was to have his Xbox hooked up to the internet and he was good. All the kids got along wonderfully, and even Son, who is MUCH older than the other kids, had a good attitude and had a good time (I think).

Families come in all forms, shapes, sizes and make ups. Of course, the "ideal" is to have two people get married, have kids, raise them together and stay married til death do us part, but it doesn't always work out that way. And despite what The Ex may say on the subject, I think it's possible to have a loving family unit after divorce, single parenthood, or widowhood. It may take a little more effort (but what relationship DOESN'T take effort?) and a little more patience, but it is definitely a legitimate form of family. Forget form over substance.... what's important is love and how YOU choose to define "family".































(For an excellent resource on blended families, check out Blended Family Soap Opera. They also have a recent post about blended family vacations, and sometimes they feature my musings on the subject of divorce and parenting. You should check it out.)

Please....be a little selfish

This morning I was listening to the Russ Parr Morning Show on my way to work, and the People Poll Question was about women who use their children to blackmail and manipulate men. Specifically, it was about a guy who had written in because after 3 years of being broken up, the mother of his daughter stopped letting him visit his child as soon as he started dating again, despite the fact that she'd had numerous boyfriends (whom she'd also brought around the child). This is a subject that incenses me to no end (or as Peter Griffin would say, it really grinds my gears).... women who use their children to manipulate men by means of denying visitation. I think it is the most asinine, childish, short-sighted and stupid thing a woman can do, and if I could smack every woman who's been guilty of this I would..... but then I'd die of arm exhaustion because it happens so often, unfortunately.

(The exception, of course, is if there are LEGITIMATE safety issues involved, and I'm not talking about "I don't know his friends/girlfriend"..... duh, you guys aren't together anymore, you don't share a life anymore, so of course he's going to have people in his life that you don't know, and vice versa. Save it.)

I'm not going to sit up here and say I don't understand the feelings associated with your ex moving on, and not liking the fact that another woman (or man.... baby daddies act up, too) is having a role in your child's life, whether that's because a maybe-not-so-secret desire to be with your ex or just the ego factor (that (s)he's gotten over you and moved on) or whatever irrational reason drives human emotion. I get that. But I draw the line at using your children to lash out at your ex by denying visitation and/or poisoning your child's mind with negativity about his or her other parent.

If you're going to be selfish and self centered, do it the way I do it..... I love my kids, but I love my "me time" as well. Ok, I'm being facetious and extreme here with the "selfish and self centered" characterization, but really..... I feel like it's a win-win when my kids are off spending time with their dad and with each other (remember, Daughter primarily lives with me and Son lives with him, so they're not together all the time anymore). They get to spend good, NECESSARY quality time with their father and each other, and I get a regularly scheduled (and sometimes bonus) break and I know that they are with someone who loves them and cares for them just as much as I do. I can do the things that I want and need to do for myself (I keep a standing nail appointment every other Saturday), I can travel, I don't have to worry about cooking square meals, I can sleep as long as I want, I don't have to chauffeur anyone around all day, and I don't have to entertain anyone or find someone else to entertain them.

Right now my kids are spending the first half of their spring break with their dad, and I thoroughly enjoyed only having to get myself ready this morning and I'm looking forward to a nap after work and not hearing anyone whine about eating veggie burgers (again!) and a cup of yogurt for dinner. This weekend I'm going to Washington DC with my kids, my beau, and we're picking up his son (who lives 3 hours away) on the way and he's going, too. I was a little worried (we both were, actually) that his mother wouldn't let him go because it's not his dad's weekend and because he would be going with me (she'd expressed some attitude about me before, but nothing major), but surprisingly she said yes. But please.... let someone offer me an extra free weekend of babysitting, I'd be all over it.

(I suspect the decision hinged on the fact that she's been busy finishing up her Master's program and needs him out of her hair anyway.... or maybe because now she's boo'd up too, which seems to have upped her cooperation level considerably.... but whatever, I'm looking forward to our Brady Bunch Dating trip.)

Sometimes I worry that I'm a little too un-mom-like for not taking pleasure in being such a martyr to my children by being at their beck and call 25/8, and actually enjoying some time to myself every once in awhile........or perhaps I'm just finding the positive aspect of an unavoidable situation (i.e. the kids can no longer be with both of us at the same time). I tell my Ex that he can take the kids whenever he'd like. I may miss them, but I know they'll be back and I know they're well taken care of. And I know how crucial it is for fathers to be involved in their children's lives. There are enough deadbeat and lackluster dads out there that we as women don't need to discourage the ones who are good, responsible and loving fathers.

So ladies, next time you have that itchy creepy jealousy feeling that makes you want to "show him a thing or two" and not let him see his child.... please, for your child's sake, be a little "selfish".

Organic posts.... good for the soul

So yea, haven't posted in awhile..... I think perhaps because I'm out of the dating game right now so there are fewer adventures to report on. Yet, there are still Adventures in Divorce that go on daily, so I'll try to give a lil recap of the recent events, or at least just write something.

(Ok so yea, I've been drinking just a helluva lot a lil, and it's 3am, and I'm just getting in, and I'm hungry, but there's nothing worthwhile to eat, and so this may just be stream of consciousness which is the MOST fun of all the blog posts, trust.....)

So here's the latest thing going on.... I've planned a trip to Washington DC next weekend with the kids and my beau and his son to go visit my BFF and her beau and his two kids and we're just going to have a grand ole time going to museums and zoos and parks and all that good (free-99) ish. Well, my dear Son asked me if he could go with my Ex-BFF instead...... said she was going to take him to Boston and then to Orlando. My initial reaction was, "let that B take you places on your daddy's time, not mine" (and I didn't phrase it exactly like that.... ok, just left out the B part). Then I find out she just wanted to take HIM and was leaving her own children (ages 9 and 2) at home. WTFF?? (Translation: what the fucking fuck??) What grown ass woman takes an almost 15 year old boy across the country alone??? He said she had to go out there and look for a house (her husband is in Afghanistan... he's a contractor or some ish)..... why do you need to take MY son?? And on MY time??? Let me backtrack..... I had issues with my Ex-BFF when I was married because of her constant need to overstep boundaries. I would come home from work and she would be at my house chillin' with my husband and kids. She would also do things like show up to The Ex's job and go to lunch with him. Not. Cool. And when I would complain that I felt like she was overstepping her boundaries, I was accused of being paranoid/crazy/accusatory and that I was being silly because there was nothing to be concerned about.

Now..... I am a person who is not big into norms and such. But I know there are some things that you just don't do out of respect for others. Becoming tighter with your BFF's spouse than you are with her is one of them. But she, and he, just didn't get it. I thought I was done with all that when I de-friended her and divorced him, but now, once again, my toes are being stepped upon. It's to the point where Son called my MOTHER to complain to her about how I would not let him to with her instead of on the trip I'd planned...... well, she called me today IRATE about this B and said she wanted to call her and give her a piece of her mind, too. Let me also say that my Ex-BFF is not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed..... ok, so she's certified crazy. I would NOT let my child go cross country with her period, let alone solo. I hope that this is the end of it, but I may have to put my foot in some arses if the issue is brought to me again.... both Son's and Ex-BFF's. I'm mad that The Ex isn't seeing the problem with this scenario and isn't backing me up on this (though I haven't talked to him about it)..... he woudn't want our Daughter going cross country solo with a male friend, so why is this any different?? And knowing Ex-BFF's past, there's cause for concern........let's just leave it at that.

Next.... I've noticed that I've gotten really lame since I've been boo'd up. I don't go out like I used to. And it's not that I used to go out to meet people.... I just don't know what it is. Maybe I'm just tired from actually working now. Or maybe its because I'm creeping up on 31. I dunno. So tonight I forced myself to go out to Final Fridays, which was a 27 and over event (27 seems really arbitrary, but whatever) and it was packed. And I didn't like the fact that it was packed. And even though most of the folks in there were in their 30's, some were still dressed as if they were in their 20's. Fail. I also had an Ex Encounter, which was somewhat uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as it used to be, so I guess I'm making progress and moving on. Oh, did I mention I went out solo? Yea, I was THAT determined to break the lame streak. Trust, it was a struggle getting off my beau's couch and driving downtown instead of indulging in sleep.

Speaking of sleep..... I need some. Sorry for the raggedy post. It happens. But it's organic.... gotta love organic. It's good for the soul.