Mental relapse

Today is one of those not so good bad days. One of those "Summer of 2007" days. Days when I wonder what the hell am I doing with/to/about myself days. Scared, lonely, sad, depressed, desperate days. People often ask me why I "put all my business out" in my blogs..... it's really because sometimes (like today) I just feel like I have nobody to talk to. For a brief second as I was standing in my kitchen crying I just wanted my mother.... but then I remembered that the usual outcome of my heart-to-heart, "I need help mom" converstions just ends up with either her yelling at me, her telling me how much more her life sucks, or her telling me what I need to "make" someone else do (usually The Ex). The only 2 people who I feel like I could go to and curl up in their beds and cry and they would make me some food and give me some wine live 595 and 3,760 miles away, and with the price of gas and the fact that my car won't travel across the ocean makes it kind of hard to do that. And they are only able to act as my sounding boards because we're all the same age and neither of them has gone through anything remotely similar.

The Ex called me talking about how our 14 year old son got into a fight yesterday and is full of pent up anger because of ME..... all my fault because I'm allegedly a shitty mother. He said he told him that he wished I were a "normal mom" and that he feels like I'm pushing him away. I just don't know what to do. I am me, and that's all I can be. I'm 30 years old.... I'm not going to be like the mothers who are typically of the age to have 14 year olds (usually 10 years older than me). But the thing is, I don't know how much of this is fact and how much of it is embellishment on The Ex's part. I don't understand where these things stemmed from, considering the fact that my kids have been away from me all summer with their dad. How can I be a neglectful mother when I haven't even had the opportunity to be around? I remember being 14 though, and thinking that my dad was just the biggest asshole in the world, all based on the things my mother would say about him, how she would treat him, how she would act around him. The Ex says he "never" talks about me around the kids. Yea. Right. He used to do that stuff all the time back when we were separated and would go to my parents' house when the kids would there and wouldn't even try to keep his conversation between him and my mother or father. And I know that parents can never do anything right in the eyes of their teenagers..... but still this hurts me. Badly. And I'm just at a loss for what to do.

The Ex tells me he's probably getting married in the next 6 months. Figures. But my fear is that my kids won't want to be around me anymore. They have a steady, ready made family over there. I have nothing..... no in-house father figure for them, no extended family with extra siblings and cousins and aunts and uncles. It's just me. And I'm worried that me is not good enough. I'll admit that I'm not the most kid-friendly person in the world, and I don't know why that is. I sometimes wonder if something is wrong with me, if I'm missing some crucial gene somewhere. I've tried the best I know how..... I've been making this shyt up as I go along since I was 15 years old. It just seems like everything is falling apart and I don't know what to do to fix it.

Times like this I wonder to myself whether I should just take The Ex up on his offer and let the kids live with him. But then I fear that my kids will resent me for "getting rid of them" and they'll perceive it as me pushing them off on another woman to raise, and that The Ex will paint the picture to them that I just didn't want them because I just want to "party" (that has been the slander of the year about me). I know this scenario happens in reverse all the time.... usually the kids go with mom, mom will often remarry, and they live in a step-family unit with her. But it's just different with mothers for some reason. I guess. I really fear that they won't want me anymore, but I'm just so concerned about their happiness that I want to do what's right for them, no matter how much it hurts me.

Then there's that other issue..... the one I'm not allowed to talk about but that is just ever present and looming. I try to get away and put it behind me, but it always seems to pop up and remind me how much fate just sucks leumr nuts sometimes. I try and be stoic and put up a good front, but that only works for a little while. And when I'm alone, I still cry. It only seems like I'm keeping busy and occupying my time elsewhere, because that's what I need to try and believe. But days like today, where I'm sliding down the backside of dispair, I catch myself in that lie. Tisk, tisk, lady.

Oh, and did I mention that I'm broke as FUCK?? And I have no job, no prospects, nothing?? Ok, so yes I do have a "job". I do work that (allegedly) pays me money, though I've yet to be paid for work dating back to APRIL. I'm trying to do this solo practice thing, but this is not by choice.... it's by necessity because right now I HAVE no other choice. I feel the financial noose tightening around my neck and am waiting on this damn check to come cut me down. Hell, not even cut me down, just to give me a little more slack on the rope. I feel like I'm just hustling right now, not making a living. And it's scary. And it sucks. Maybe I'll just go get a job at Target.

I pray things get better, that I feel better, that I cope better. Because right now........ *long sigh*