Pride Swallowing

"Might as well do something while you're doing nothin'." ~ Uncle Rico, "Napoleon Dynamite"

Eight months ago, I quit my job. My 6-figure job. My "every law student dreams about this job" job. My "office on the 34th floor" job. I had to get out of there because between it and the divorce it was just too much to handle. I'd count myself as an extremely strong woman (I had a baby at 15 and 20 y'all, and STILL graduated with honors from every single educational institution that I ever attended from high school on up, and not just dean's list, but the baddest bitch on the block.... top business grad, top marketing grad, top distribution grad, top African American grad in the ENTIRE UNIVERSITY), but even a woman like me has her limits. It was literally killing me, mind, body and spirit. And I left it for..........? Answer: nothing. Scratch that..... it wasn't for nothing, it was for peace of mind and freedom, which, unfortunately, don't pay the bills. But severance does (and yes, I DID leave voluntarily..... severance isn't just for when they give you the boot. Not in law firms anyway. They do whatever the fuck they want, and I just happened to have a good partner in my corner to advocate for me), but severance doesn't last forever. And pretty much for the past 8 months I've been sitting on my ass at home, doing contract work here and there (which pays DAMN good in theory, but they slow pay like a muthafucker) and hustling legal work (ok, so I started my own practice...... kind of...... ok for real..... I need to treat it like the legitimate business that it is), but here lately when I was faced with a serious cash flow crisis, I realized that I could be doing much more....... as Uncle Rico says, I could be doing something while I'm doing nothing.

So tomorrow morning, I start a new job. *sigh* It took a whole lot of soul searching and pride swallowing, but I took a job with a temp agency that staffs for admin positions. Me, with my $100K+ education, honors dual major bachelors business degree, honors jurisprudence doctorate, worked at the largest firm in the city...... working as a fucking secretary doing data entry. *big ole long sigh* My reasoning behind taking an admin temp job over a legal temp job is that I figured that if I'm going to do work that doesn't advance my career, it might as well be simple and mindless not too stressful. But it still sucks lemur nuts knowing that I'm taking such a HUGE step back and only utilizing only about 5% of my potential. But hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

And honestly, a huge part of taking such a postion is because I'm less likely to run into anyone from my former/regular/rightful life. I know that over the years I've been the target of much hateration..... I dealt with it in law school, particularly from other African-American law students, for doing so well academically. This continued on when I got the Big Firm Job that is highly coveted, but also the target of a whole lot of sour grapes (i.e. "I never wanted to work for them ANYWAY because of XY & Z" when people really had no idea what the job was like). Add to that the fact that folk thought I had such a great marriage (pshaw!), and you had the recipe for a full Haterade Punch complete with fresh fruit slices and spiked with Everclear. So I know there are MANY people out there who would LOVE to know that I am currently down on my luck and forced to take a job that I'm WAY overqualified for. Nevermind that I am simultaneously doing work on the side that pays me 10 times per hour what the temp agency pays..... all they'll see is someone who is formerly on top who is not on the top anymore. I'm sure some folk are reading this right now happy as shit about the unfortunate turn my life has taken (and my respose is "fuck off".... I still got the upper hand). But you know, I'm still (somewhat) positive about it..... this whole experience has taught me to not take my paycheck for granted, to be resourceful, and that life is about more than just money and perceived status, and to be grateful for my abilities that I do have. And most importantly that sometimes, swallowing pride is a must at times. I know this stage in my life is temporary...... I think of this past year as a whole as a rebuilding phase, my personal Forrest Fire. Forrest fires are necessary from time to time to clear out all the underbrush so that new life can spring forth stronger and better than before.

However, with that said, I'm off to the bar up the hill to have a beer and a few cloves by my damn self. I'll probably cry in said beer, too. Fuck.