Adventures in Divorce

I always wondered why people who murdered their spouses didn't just get a divorce.... I now understand why

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Location: Nap Town, Indie-anne-ahhhhhh!, United States

No, I'm not a prophetess. Cassandra, according to Greek mythology, spurned the advances of the Greek god Apollo and her gift of prophecy was cursed so that her predictions would never be believed. Such is my life. I tend not to think like most people, which is a gift... but also a curse. So step into my mind, take off your shoes and stay for awhile... you're always welcome, loved ones.

August 14, 2008

One Stop Shopping

Now comes my long overdue commentary on one of my most favorite songs of the current moment, "I'm Cheatin" by Dwele. If you've never heard the song, please take a few minutes to watch the video below before continuing reading, because I'd hate to ruin the light bulb moment experience that occurs about midway through the song when you realize what he's actually talking about:



*pause* Done? Ok, onward.....

So if you've never heard the song and didn't watch the video, you are lame you missed out and I'm just going to go ahead spoil it for you (last chance.... watch it). What Mr. Andwele Gardner is talking about in this seemingly scandalous ass song is the idea that he's cheating on his girl WITH his girl (i.e. his girl and his mistress are one in the same).

When love is free
It’s a matter of time
Before, before…....(that’s wrong)
Some have a girl with a chick on the side (I don’t need it)
My girl is all ......She’s all I need so I don’t mind cheatin' on my
Girl.... with my girl

While Dwele expresses this concept in a way that just makes you wanna run out and buy a few wigs and a freakum dress (or 2) and come up with a sexy alias (and have Dwele's babies), a friend of mine has expressed this concept in another way...... way before this song ever came out, he would say that his wife is his "Wal-Mart Woman". Wal-Mart?? Yea, initially sounds like a bad R.Kelly analogy, but think about Wal-Mart for a second..... where else can you go and get milk, draws, paint, an engagement ring, a TV, a bolt of fabric, a hair cut, a pair of glasses, and your picture taken, all while waiting for an oil change?? If you can't get it at Wal-Mart, well hell you probably don't need it. Likewise, that's how he describes his wife..... she is his one stop shop, everything he needs emotionally, intellectually, financially, and (I won't say most importantly, but it's pretty damn important) sexually. Ok scratch that, I will say that sexually is extremely important, because that's what people do when they cheat 99% of the time, right?

I once heard someone say that a good sex life has a 10% influence on a relationship, while a bad sex life has a 90% influence on a relationship (or something along those lines). Basically the health of the relationship and the health of the sex life go hand in hand in hand in hand. One can cause the demise of the other, and then it just becomes a vicious downward spiral (trust me, I've been there, done that, got the divorce decree). But I'm just going to focus on the easy part, and that's being your man's "Wal-Mart Woman" in the bedroom. If your man likes it, wants it, needs it, well by gosh you better do it. And if you can't or won't..... well, maybe you ought to rethink your relationship because perhaps its the case that you just aren't sexually compatible. Seriously. Lie to yourselves all you want, but sex is a critical factor in a relationship. You can't tell a person that they shouldn't want a certain thing sexually, or that they'll just have to live with it (or rather, without it) or get over it. Because they WON'T.

(pressure busts pipes..... pressure busts pipes......)

I don't understand why so many people (ok, WOMEN) have so many hang-ups anyway. If that is supposedly the love of your life, why not try out that Freaks of the Industry "head under her leg under my arm under her toe" move?? And if you don't know how to do it, get a book, read a Cosmo, watch some porn, ask a friend, hell, ask ME (when you are with the same guy for 14 years, inhibition gets replaced by a whole lotta creativity). More importantly than the physical how to, though, is the mental wherewithal, and that comes in the form of being confident and comfortable with yourself. Personally, I KNOW that I'm one sexy mutha-(watch yo mouth!) even when I do put on a lil extra fluff , because it comes from INSIDE. It is a passion and desire that is not automatically associated with appearances. It is a desire to please, which is another key factor in all this..... this is one area in life (outside of elementary school) where you can get an A for effort. Because really, this ish isn't rocket science. Give enough effort over enough time and you can master damn near anything when it comes to sex. So if your man wants something, at least try..... and really be willing to try, not some half assed, twisting your arm try.

(And I'm not even going to fully address the issue of the Mighty O because I have an unfair advantage in that department from what I understand..... but I do know that guys really like such positive reinforcement, and that a major hindrance is the inability to relax. So relax. And if that doesn't work, sorry fo ya..... if it's any consolation, I read that orgasmic ability is genetic, so if you want you can blame your shortcomings on your mom.)

But, you ask, what if he has some really out there, strange desires? And my answer is: What is strange?? "Normal" when it comes to sex is extremely subjective. Like my friends I mentioned earlier? They just happen to be swingers (not full, tho) so that is their concept of "normal." And again, I have to bring up the concept of compatibility. Anyone dealing with me has got to know that they are going to have to deal with [X, Y, and Z] (you didn't think I was really going to TELL you now, did you??) and if they can't oblige then I guess we're not a match. Most people fall within a few standard deviations of what is generally considered "normal" though, so unless you come across some ole 2 Girls 1 Cup* dude, it's not unreasonable to ask yourself to be a little flexible.

So, you can try and be that Nordstrom Woman all you want, but don't be surprised when you look up and your dude has his ass over at Home Depot.

(*and did you really think I was gonna post a link to that actual nasty shyt?? Hellz naw! Watching the Roots' reaction gives you a good enough idea)

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1 Comments:

Anonymous D-Lo said...

Great song, great points, Missy! I agree, as a woman if you wanna keep your man for long, you better try to be his all-in-one woman--find out what he likes (in the bedroom and otherwise) and do/be that for him. Not as in "change yourself for him," but rather "let shine/enhance something in yourself for his benefit." Thank you for also pointing out how important it is to have and understand your own expectations of a man, too. I think that one of the vital parts of a successful relationship is willingness and DESIRE to please each other. As long as that's in place, the rest is a trip to Happyland. :)

November 26, 2010 at 10:40 AM  

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Adventures in Divorce: One Stop Shopping

One Stop Shopping

Now comes my long overdue commentary on one of my most favorite songs of the current moment, "I'm Cheatin" by Dwele. If you've never heard the song, please take a few minutes to watch the video below before continuing reading, because I'd hate to ruin the light bulb moment experience that occurs about midway through the song when you realize what he's actually talking about:



*pause* Done? Ok, onward.....

So if you've never heard the song and didn't watch the video, you are lame you missed out and I'm just going to go ahead spoil it for you (last chance.... watch it). What Mr. Andwele Gardner is talking about in this seemingly scandalous ass song is the idea that he's cheating on his girl WITH his girl (i.e. his girl and his mistress are one in the same).

When love is free
It’s a matter of time
Before, before…....(that’s wrong)
Some have a girl with a chick on the side (I don’t need it)
My girl is all ......She’s all I need so I don’t mind cheatin' on my
Girl.... with my girl

While Dwele expresses this concept in a way that just makes you wanna run out and buy a few wigs and a freakum dress (or 2) and come up with a sexy alias (and have Dwele's babies), a friend of mine has expressed this concept in another way...... way before this song ever came out, he would say that his wife is his "Wal-Mart Woman". Wal-Mart?? Yea, initially sounds like a bad R.Kelly analogy, but think about Wal-Mart for a second..... where else can you go and get milk, draws, paint, an engagement ring, a TV, a bolt of fabric, a hair cut, a pair of glasses, and your picture taken, all while waiting for an oil change?? If you can't get it at Wal-Mart, well hell you probably don't need it. Likewise, that's how he describes his wife..... she is his one stop shop, everything he needs emotionally, intellectually, financially, and (I won't say most importantly, but it's pretty damn important) sexually. Ok scratch that, I will say that sexually is extremely important, because that's what people do when they cheat 99% of the time, right?

I once heard someone say that a good sex life has a 10% influence on a relationship, while a bad sex life has a 90% influence on a relationship (or something along those lines). Basically the health of the relationship and the health of the sex life go hand in hand in hand in hand. One can cause the demise of the other, and then it just becomes a vicious downward spiral (trust me, I've been there, done that, got the divorce decree). But I'm just going to focus on the easy part, and that's being your man's "Wal-Mart Woman" in the bedroom. If your man likes it, wants it, needs it, well by gosh you better do it. And if you can't or won't..... well, maybe you ought to rethink your relationship because perhaps its the case that you just aren't sexually compatible. Seriously. Lie to yourselves all you want, but sex is a critical factor in a relationship. You can't tell a person that they shouldn't want a certain thing sexually, or that they'll just have to live with it (or rather, without it) or get over it. Because they WON'T.

(pressure busts pipes..... pressure busts pipes......)

I don't understand why so many people (ok, WOMEN) have so many hang-ups anyway. If that is supposedly the love of your life, why not try out that Freaks of the Industry "head under her leg under my arm under her toe" move?? And if you don't know how to do it, get a book, read a Cosmo, watch some porn, ask a friend, hell, ask ME (when you are with the same guy for 14 years, inhibition gets replaced by a whole lotta creativity). More importantly than the physical how to, though, is the mental wherewithal, and that comes in the form of being confident and comfortable with yourself. Personally, I KNOW that I'm one sexy mutha-(watch yo mouth!) even when I do put on a lil extra fluff , because it comes from INSIDE. It is a passion and desire that is not automatically associated with appearances. It is a desire to please, which is another key factor in all this..... this is one area in life (outside of elementary school) where you can get an A for effort. Because really, this ish isn't rocket science. Give enough effort over enough time and you can master damn near anything when it comes to sex. So if your man wants something, at least try..... and really be willing to try, not some half assed, twisting your arm try.

(And I'm not even going to fully address the issue of the Mighty O because I have an unfair advantage in that department from what I understand..... but I do know that guys really like such positive reinforcement, and that a major hindrance is the inability to relax. So relax. And if that doesn't work, sorry fo ya..... if it's any consolation, I read that orgasmic ability is genetic, so if you want you can blame your shortcomings on your mom.)

But, you ask, what if he has some really out there, strange desires? And my answer is: What is strange?? "Normal" when it comes to sex is extremely subjective. Like my friends I mentioned earlier? They just happen to be swingers (not full, tho) so that is their concept of "normal." And again, I have to bring up the concept of compatibility. Anyone dealing with me has got to know that they are going to have to deal with [X, Y, and Z] (you didn't think I was really going to TELL you now, did you??) and if they can't oblige then I guess we're not a match. Most people fall within a few standard deviations of what is generally considered "normal" though, so unless you come across some ole 2 Girls 1 Cup* dude, it's not unreasonable to ask yourself to be a little flexible.

So, you can try and be that Nordstrom Woman all you want, but don't be surprised when you look up and your dude has his ass over at Home Depot.

(*and did you really think I was gonna post a link to that actual nasty shyt?? Hellz naw! Watching the Roots' reaction gives you a good enough idea)

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