Huh?

I just have a lot of accumulated crap that I need to get out, so I don't know where this post is going, but it's basically centered around the confused and tangled mass that is my "love life". Being that I'm still disentangling myself from my first and only major relationship that started back in 1993, I'm really not in much rush to get "boo'd up" again. I'm quite enjoying being able to go where I want when I want without anyone questioning how, where, why or who (on my own time, of course.... this is separate and apart from my obligations to my kids). If I wanna go sit at Front Page on a Saturday night til 3 am and sulk for no damn reason, I can do that. If I want to go to Chi just to hear my favorite DJ spin there instead of downtown and then go stay with a (truly) platonic male friend, I can do that, too. It is admittedly selfishness on my part that I'm choosing to indulge in right now. But because I like companionship (amongst other things) just like the next person, I do have folk in my life that I kick it with. And being that I don't know all the "rules" and how all this dating crap works, I sometimes get confused like Young Buck when he doesn't stay close to 50 Cent.

Ok so riddle me this...... you're lightweight dating a guy (lightweight because of distance and muthaeffing gas prices.... and maybe the fact that he's an extremely friendly and social guy that he's spread thin all the time, so 99% of contact is via online chat) and out of the blue during a normal daily conversation he says, "I'm thinking about getting back with my ex"..... what does that statement say to you? I would assume that to most women would respond with something along the lines of "Whatthefuck??" followed by "Kick rocks.... boulders if you'd like." But I'm not your typical female, and he's also not a typical guy (we have the same dating persona) so instead I go into friend mode and engage him in this line of conversation. So then am like "eff it" and proceed to tell him about my lost love scenario and how he's lucky to have the option to pursue the opportunity a second time if he so desires. Am I crazy? Yea probably. I'll tell you what significance this conversation had to me, though........ with not being officially boo'd up, I know that folk have other people that they're seeing.... I just take that as a given. So with that, I adhere to a "don't ask/don't tell" policy. I NEVER ask a guy "So who else are you seeing/talking to/whatever". So for someone to volunteer such info says A LOT and has some significance to me, whether he intended it to or not (which honestly, I don't think he did). Perhaps this is my lack of self confidence peeking through, but I can't compete with an ex.... someone a guy has way more history with than he has with me. And I don't like competitions where I don't have a good chance of winning, particularly when things like, oh, my emotional well being are being put on the line. So who knows what's going to come of that, but I have to admit that it touched a bit of my girl side........

(Ok, lemme explain my "girl side". I'm not a typical female, and I don't do typical female things and don't react in typical female ways. There are very few things I trip about, and if anything will join my guy in doing. Going to the strip club with you friends? Oh ok... just make sure you don't tuck too many $1s and next time invite me. Playboy subscriptions? Yea, I bought it for him for Christmas. Going out to watch the game? Ok, I'll be here reading (but know I will be out with my girls tomorrow), and then of course there's my "don't ask/don't tell" policy. At the end of the day, though, I'm still a girl, and sometimes I will get all female on a person.)

....... so yea, that caused me to give pause in this situation.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing with myself right now re: love life (oops, lawyer speak.... sorry, let me translate that: "I don't know what the hell I'm doing with myself right now with regards to my love life"). My head and my heart are just a mass confusion of crap, trying to deal with an "If You Want To" situation that is mixed with a heavy dose of "You Know What" while trying to diminish the "My Love" factor in order to make it a "See You Next Lifetime" scenario...... Then there's the guy that I really enjoy spending time with and like a lot, but I go back to that whole "how does this all work?" and not knowing if I'm ready to take it to that next level (whatever that level is)........

This post is a mess...... I can't even talk about half the shyt I want and need to talk about. I guess that's what a journal ought to be for, but I'm still traumatized by last year's journal debacle, so I'm thinking that maybe it's just best to keep certain things in my head and/or between me and my BFFs. God forbid anyone hacks into my email.