Fin

This will be my last blog post here at Adventures in Divorce. I can't say I've been thinking about this for awhile.... like many decisions I make it came more in the form of an epiphany than mulling over it, weighing the pros and cons, and finally arriving at a decision. That's not to say this is a rash, un-thought out decision. I think it's just time.

Originally when I started this blog, the purpose was somewhat therapeutic for me..... so much craziness was going on dealing with my divorce that I needed to let it out (and sometimes laugh) to keep from crying. I wanted to connect with other people going through similar issues with divorce and its aftermath by sharing my experiences, thoughts and stories. But now I feel confined by it.... I find myself wanting to write about certain things and deciding not to because it didn't fit with the "theme" of the blog. Then came the issue of not wanting to write about an active relationship as not to say something that I would regret later, or just not feeling like it was appropriate to discuss such subjects in the blogosphere. As the divorce drama started to die down and the dating roller coaster (if I was even on one.... that's a whole 'nother subject) began to slow, I found that I had less and less relevant material to write about. I also never set out to be another relationship advice blog, because goodness knows there are enough of them out there written by people who've never had a relationship last more than a year (I'm being hyperbolic here, but you know what I'm saying.... or at least, you should). I don't profess to have the answers about anything... all I can do is share what I've been through, and my thoughts, theories and reactions to them. But that's where I'm starting to see it go, so I figure I ought to just put it out of its misery now.

More importantly, though, I'm finding myself mired in the past way too much, and this blog is one of the symbolic anchors holding me back. The name itself is an albatros: Adventures in Divorce. I'm tired of the title of "divorcee" and am ready to get on with the business of life that comes after the divorce. I'm ready to shake off all the vestiges of that season in my life and enter a new one. Hell, my login still contains my old last name, so I'm reminded of the ordeal every time I sign into my blog (and I always get kicked out of my current Gmail account, so I can't even blog and e-mail/chat at the same time).

I've also learned a lot in the past year and a half and made A LOT of mistakes..... mistakes in attitude, judgment, action and perspective. And I have learned from these mistakes. Some of my posts I will stand by to this day, but many of them reflect flawed or distorted thinking at the time I wrote them. The unfortunate (but also fortunate) thing about written words is that they are static..... the thoughts and attitudes behind them may have changed, but the words always stay the same. I view blog posts similar to the way I view photographs.... they are snapshots in time. Nobody expects the people and the scenarios depicted in the photo to remain just as they are in the picture. But I can't expect people to read these posts like I do..... as a progression, a journey. It is easy to assume that a blog post I wrote a year ago reflects my thoughts and feelings on the subject now, and I can almost guarantee you that's not the case. I have been through so much emotional turmoil and so much personal growth and change that I don't want some of these attitudes attributed to me now, and I don't want the emotional burden of those words on me. Viewpoints change, arguments change, attitudes change, actions change..... but words don't. I'm glad that I have these written snapshots as a reminder of where I have been and where I am going, but it's time to put them away.

Don't fret though, loved ones..... I didn't say I was done blogging. I just said I'm done with THIS blog. I want to open up my blog to whatever I feel like writing about and not be confined to divorce and dating and parenting and DRAMA. I think I'm going to import some of my favorites from AID, but the rest are eventually going into my personal archives..... maybe I'll pull them out when I've finally reached that happier place. But right now I need to do something to get to that happier place, and dwelling in and on the past is getting me nowhere.*

*Sidenote: It was brought to my attention that one attributes of Cancers is that we tend to dwell in and hold onto the past. I can't say I disagree with that, so with that said I am making a conscious choice not to now that I am aware of that tendency. The first step toward recovery is acceptance that you have a problem....... right?

So, coming soon you can find the new and improving (can't even say improved, cuz that's what life is all about.... constantly improving) me at a new address in the blogosphere..... I'm not even going to use my same pseudonym anymore. My snake, Pandora, died the other day (in case you didn't know, Anesidora is another name for Pandora), plus I don't want to be that person anymore. Likewise, the Twitter account is going as well. That's the beautiful (and tragically sad) thing about the Internet..... reinvention is just a delete key away. I'll leave the blog up for a little while, but soon it will be gone. Please conduct yourselves accordingly.

Idiosyncratic Thoughts of an Unheeded Prophetess....... coming soon (like as in NOW).

AID..... Fin.

Weekly Love Horoscope

Cancer Weekly Love Horoscope
(June 21 - Jul 22)

For the Week of Oct 5th, 2009 -- The Moon in your sign brings your emotions to a peak. These could mean some intense moments, especially late Friday and on Sunday. Trying to hold on to what you have can be frustrating as it's better to let go or make radical changes now. A strong attraction for someone needs to be tested over time instead of assuming that he or she feels the same way.










Sagittarius Weekly Love Horoscope
(Nov 22 - Dec 21)

For the Week of Oct 5th, 2009 -- If you're really serious about your current relationship or want to get closer to someone new, this is a good weekend for it. The Moon is in your 8th House of Intimacy, which will test your commitment and your compassion. It's not all about fun and games right now; this is a time to go deeper emotionally or you'll find yourself sitting on the sidelines.

(www.tarot.com)

EBS Friday Edition: It's Your Move

Across Your Bread
by Jill Scott

I'm juss gon say what I need to
juss gon put it on the table
And spread it across your bread

As much as I didn't want
I have stumbled
tripped
fallen ova myself in love with every molecule of
you

The walk on you
The way you out then in breathe
Simply your eyes man
got my thighs swellin' and my knees beggin' to part
I do (shaking my head up and down)
I do
love everything about you
All that makes you you
And what I do not know, I swear I will love too
If you just show me

I know it's crazy but I swear
My heart doesn't pump blood
When you are not near me
I juss walk my way through life comatose
Til I hear my name in your key
I juss stay
Hoping, wishing, praying for the moment you say it's cool for me to
give you what I got
Cool for me to give you what I keep
Cool for me to give you what is fresh behind the apples

And the pears but you don't
Won't
Accept it then accept it then return it
My logic understands but my back is tired of the weight
My feet are swollen and my fingers ache from writing

Don't you see?
I'm willing
Willing
To go that extra continent
Willing
To carry that extra gallon and love that extra kind
I am placing myself on the table
Spreading myself across your bread
So, say something
It's your move

"It's a dangerous necessity.... a world famous mystery......"

"It's a dangerous necessity, a world famous mystery......."

.......Love.

It is such a small word. Too small, in fact. And yes, I do mean "small" in the sense that it is insufficient to encompass and characterize the range of human emotions and experiences that the word is used to describe. There really needs to be more words, a delineation of the different types of love, sort of like how Eskimos supposedly have many different words for "snow".

The Greeks got close.... they have 6 different words for love:

* Agapē (αγάπη agápē) means "love" in modern day Greek, such as in the term s'agapo (Σ'αγαπώ), which means "I love you." In Ancient Greek, it often refers to a general affection rather than the attraction suggested by "eros." Agape is used in ancient texts to denote feelings for a good meal, one's children, and the feelings for a spouse. It can be described as the feeling of being content or holding one in high regard.

* Eros (ερως érōs) is passionate love, with sensual desire and longing. The Modern Greek word "erotas" means "(romantic) love;" however, eros does not have to be sexual in nature. Eros can be interpreted as a love for someone whom you love more than the philia, love of friendship. It can also apply to dating relationships as well as marriage. Plato refined his own definition: Although eros is initially felt for a person, with contemplation it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person, or even becomes appreciation of beauty itself. It should be noted Plato does not talk of physical attraction as a necessary part of love, hence the use of the word platonic to mean, "without physical attraction." Plato also said eros helps the soul recall knowledge of beauty, and contributes to an understanding of spiritual truth. Lovers and philosophers are all inspired to seek truth by eros.

* Philia (φιλία philia) means friendship in modern Greek. It is a dispassionate virtuous love, a concept developed by Aristotle. It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality and familiarity. In ancient texts, philos denoted a general type of love, used for love between family, between friends, a desire or enjoyment of an activity, as well as between lovers.

* Storge (στοργή storgē) means "affection" in ancient and modern Greek. It is natural affection, like that felt by parents for offspring. Rarely used in ancient works, and then almost exclusively as a descriptor of relationships within the family.

* Thelema (θέλημα thélēma) means "desire" in ancient and modern Greek. It is the desire to do something, to be occupied, or to be in prominence.

* Xenia (ξενία xenía), hospitality, was an extremely important practice in Ancient Greece. It was an almost ritualized friendship formed between a host and his guest, who could previously have been strangers. The host fed and provided quarters for the guest, who was expected to repay only with gratitude.

(thanks Wikipedia!)

I can certainly understand and identify examples of each type of love in my life..... I have agape for all of my readers, eros for that certain someone who doesn't want to have anything to do with me right now, philia for my BFFs, storge for my kids, and xenia for people who I may not know well but who are welcome in my home. And, of course, there are some overlaps.... I may have more than one type for one person.

In the English language, however, we condense all of these concepts down into one word: Love. And like the literary commingling of these concepts into the word "love", I think we humans also tend to emotionally commingle these concepts as if they were fungible and interchangeable such that we get confused as to what type of love we are actually feeling, and may mistake one for another. Or, what's worse, is that we may only come to recognize one type and think that all the others aren't really "love"..... typically this is true as it relates to Eros.

I'm sure everyone has known or heard of that one person who has been married 5 times, or that friend who goes through boyfriends/girlfriends like water. Usually these are the most hopelessly romantic, head over heels, disgustingly syrupy-sweet cake baking-est people in the world. They fall "in love" hard and fast...... and they also fall OUT of love hard and fast.

I think their problem is that these individuals only recognize that Eros feeling as "love". Because I hate to tell you, loved ones, the other types of love are.... well.... kinda boring. Or at least not exciting in the way that it makes you feel giddy and butterflies and swooning all over the place making goo-goo faces at each other. It doesn't give you that RUSH. Not saying that Eros doesn't last at all in a relationship, it just diminishes in intensity in a long term loving relationship. If all goes well, Eros gives way to Agape, Philia, and eventually Storge.

Eros, though, is addictive. And like any other drug, it clouds your judgment, and makes you long for it when it goes away.

(This would be a good time to go read My Chemical Romance, which partially explains how and why this happens.)

But if there's nothing else to back up that feeling, it does and will go away. And it's not what REAL love is all about anyway.... it's not enough to sustain a relationship. One of my favorite analogies of this (and forgive me if I'm being redundant) is that of a campfire. If you throw lighter fluid soaked kindling onto a fire, sure it'll burn hot and bright.... but a few minutes later your fire is out. You need both kindling (Eros) AND a few solid pieces of firewood (Agape and Philia) to keep it going. You may not be able to see the heat ("Ooooh, pretty flames!") but you can feel it, and it'll keep you warm and comfortable all through the night. *snuggle* Too many people think that when they no longer feel those butterflies that love is gone, and then it's on to the next one. They don't take the time to appreciate the other types of love and that THOSE are the types that we all should be striving for.

Though they don't number all that many, I've had enough Eros-driven relationships to last me one lifetime. Of course, I need Eros in my life (my most prominent "Love Language" is physical touch and I'm a..... uh.... very passionate person), but what I really long for is comfort, that feeling that all is right with the world. I had that, and I fucked it up on some pure Eros shyt that turned out to be just a pile of burnt out ashes. In the short time I've been dating, I've (finally) learned to truly appreciate the difference and not get caught up in the illusion of love..... hopefully not too late.

My Chemical Romance Part Deux: The Spiritual Connection

Yesterday I discussed the scientific and biological reasons why a Friends with Benefits arrangement just doesn't work. We're hard wired for it NOT to work. Well today I'm featuring a guest blog post by WifeofUriah that addresses the issue from a different aspect..... the spiritual aspect.

Science and spirituality..... at first glance they are seemingly at odds. But really they are in perfect harmony with each other. I may seem like a big ole heathen not be the most religious person in the world, but I do believe in a Creator and that there are forces and energies at work that cannot be seen or explained within the realm of human knowledge, but play a definite role in our lives. But whether you can measure or observe it or not, it was all created by The Most High as part of the same design. Hormones and biological processes are only part of the story when it comes to intimate human relations.....I truly believe that there is more. Whether you are religious or not, really stop and think about what WifeofUriah has to say and I guarantee you'll be able to identify with at least one point, but probably more.

Ok, enough editorializing. Check out the FWB quandary from this perspective, and let me know what you think. It's all about idea sharing and diversity of thought here at AID. Enjoy:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Before reading, you should note that I am a die hard Christian. Now, wait! Before you click the X in the corner of your computer screen, I should tell you that I’m definitely not your stereotypical Christian. I don’t believe in a bunch of rules. I believe that Jesus came and died to free me from religious rituals and rules because He knew I could never keep them. (“I did not come to condemn the world, but to save you from your wrong.” See, John 3:17). I believe that God wants a spiritual connection with me (i.e. a relationship), so, I live my life following Christ and allowing His Spirit to give me access the knowledge and wisdom of God, completely free from weird customs and other man-made rules-o-crap legalistic and religious bondage. In other words I’m definitely spiritual and, I believe everything happens in the spirit realm before manifesting in the natural realm and thus my blog post is coming from that perspective. But don’t get it twisted, whether you believe in God, gods, Christ, or Little Jack Horner, you will be unable to disregard the logic that’s about to smack you in the face. =)

Now, onto the topic at hand….Friends With Benefits. Anesidora did a fantastic post on the subject last night. I couldn’t agree with her more. So often, people try to say sex is just a physical act. But Anesidora definitely made it clear that it is an act with emotional attachment. If you need to re-read her post, please do that here.

I’m gonna take it a step further and say: Sex is an act with spiritual attachment.

“See, understand something my brothers and my sisters, men are, they are projectors…and women are receptive. They - men, they release and women, they get an impartation … You know why there is more pain for women that are single than it is for men? Men, after they project themselves and they get a release, what they’ve lost is strength. So, every time they sleep with a woman and that woman is not their wife, they’re losing strength. But see, every time a man sleeps with us, we’re getting a deposit. Now let me help you with something. If in fact, that the Scripture lets us know, that marriage is not going to the courthouse and standing in front of the altar, [then] our mates are chosen in the spirit realm. And I don’t know about ya’ll, but when I got my divorce, I went to court and the judge said to me, he said, “Was this marriage consummated?” And, you know, me being slow and from the ghetto, I leaned over to my lawyer, I said, “That’s a big word. What does that mean?” He said, “It means ‘Did you have sex with the man’?” And I said, “Well yes, I did.” He said, “Then, it was consummated.” Which means, it doesn’t matter [whether] you got a piece of paper. Once you have had sex with a man, then what happens according to the realm of the spirit, the spirit of that man steps in your body…and now you are attached.”

Juanita Bynum, “No More Sheets” (1998) (start at 9:10-10:01); No More Sheets: Part 3 (0:00 to 1:10)

Yes, Ladies, I’m saying that every time we have sex with a man, we take in his spirit. Every time. Yep, go ahead and just count the number of sexual partners you have had. Yep, all them nuccus are in your spirit. Competing. War-ring. Trying to find their place…in a shared space. And when you take in a man’s spirit, it begins to make you connected to him. You made an FWB arrangement with a football player? You don’t even care for football. Now after having sex, you find yourself all up on him wanting to watch football. Before, you didn’t even think he was cute. You had sex with the lights off and shades pulled! But now? Now you can’t get him off your mind. Before, you didn’t have anything in common, but now? Ya’ll are starting to look alike, talk alike, smell alike… Spiritual Attachment.

Yes, Men, I’m saying that every time you have sex with a woman, you’re giving her your spirit. You’re losing a piece of yourself to her, losing a piece of your strength to her. And since she’s not your wife, (i.e. no real and absolute investment in this woman) she is completely unable to invest back into you to give you that piece of yourself back. Don’t believe me? Ever met a man whore? Ever picked up his energy and think, “Sheesh! What’s wrong with that guy?” Well, I’ll tell you. He’s depleted. It’s an energy of depletion. A spirit of not being made whole. He has given himself away to too many women without any way of being made whole again. Unfortunately, he keeps sleeping around in an effort to feel whole, not realizing he’s making matters worse…. Spiritual Depletion.

Your spirit is the very essence and core of your being. It is the way you are connected to God and are sensitive to the spirit realm. Because of this, it is imperative that you keep your spirit clean, whole, free of negativity and evil, and definitely free of any bondage. But when we enter into FWB arrangements, we end up making spiritual connections with people (1) we never wanted a connection with in the first place and (2) our spirit is being held captive/inhabited by that other person’s spirit.

So, while the FWB arrangement sounds great in theory, I’m telling you that no matter what you say or think, no matter how you try to frame it, FWB arrangements have serious consequences because it makes the participants “one in the spirit”, automatically intertwined with the spirit of another. You may not see it or feel it right away, but like I said – it happens in the spirit realm first.

That’s why:

1. parents, when your children become sexually active, you can sense a change in their spirit when they walk past you.
2. co-workers, when two co-workers start having sex, you’ll notice a shift in the atmosphere and can sense it when you walk past their cubicles.
3. spouses, when your spouse dips out and cheats, you can sense it when they try to touch you.
   

It’s all because your spirit has picked up on the latest happenings in the spirit realm…

The most unfortunate part about it is that once the spiritual attachment takes place, you cant just say “Hey, I don’t wanna be intertwined with this person anymore” and then it be undone. No, no, no. If it were that easy, then divorce court would immediately sever all bonds between two previously married persons. No, no, my friends – in order to break the spiritual bond – you have to purge that person out of your spirit. A spiritual cleansing.

And…it can take weeks, months, or years.

Now, I can hear some of ya’ll saying: "naw, I’ll be alright." Really? Until you are delivered from the spiritual consequences, you will never be satisfied in a relationship. Ladies, you can try to move on to a new man, but you’ll never be satisfied. Why? Because the new man’s spirit is competing with the spirit of the other men still in there. In your mind and spirit, you will be trying to make him like all the other men in there. That’s why you’re telling the new man: hold me like this, spank me like this, lift me like this, kiss it like this….you’re trying to make the new man do what Johnny did best, what Tyrone did best, what Brian did best, and what Ray Ray did best. Another example: have you ever been out somewhere and saw an old fling and something jump inside your stomach? Perhaps you get a flashback? Yep, that’s cuz you may have said it was over, but he’s still inside of your spirit and that spirit sensed he was around. YOU HAVE TO PURGE HIM OUT OF THERE!

Men, this goes for you, too. You have to purge yourself of the women you’ve slept with, with the goal of being made whole, or restored. You can’t be all that you can be for “The One” if you’re still weakened by the deposits of pieces of your spirit in Tanisha, Ericka, Joy, and Lisa. Not to mention, you have to deal with the consequences of those women still being attached to you…So men, RECLAIM YOUR SPIRIT and BEGIN THE PROCESS OF RESTORATION!

Now, I practice what I preach. I have been celibate for one year and one month (trust me, I’m not bragging, okay?) It’s not to satisfy a religious rule, per se. It is because I am trying to prepare my spirit for “The One”. So many of us women want to be married/re-married, but as Bynum states in her message, we can’t get married because with all those men in our spirit, we can’t truly be labeled as “single.” I spend time before God and walking and talking with Him so that He may deliver me from the attachment to every man I have slept with, whether I slept with him one time, or one-hundred times. I’m proud to say I’m almost done. I’ve only got two more men to go. And whenever I’m tempted to do another FWB arrangement, I simply can’t justify it being worth the time of stalking, feeling confused, getting pissed off, and wanting to be violent purging.

Peace and Blessings,
TheWifeofUriah

http://www.wifeofuriah.blogspot.com

My Chemical Romance

No, not talking about this Chemical Romance:


I'm talking about THIS chemical romance:


That, loved ones, is the molecular structure for Oxytocin..... the chemical that induces labor (the synthetic form is Pitocin.... I'm sure every mother has at least heard of it), the chemical that is released during breast feeding that "lets down" the milk (otherwise we'd be leaving puddles of milk everywhere all the time) and causes bonding between mother and baby, and it's the chemical that helps us create emotional bonds with people in general. Oxytocin also reduces fear, increases eye contact, and increases trust and generosity.

It's also the chemical released in much greater levels in women than men during sex.

(Of course, there are other chemicals involved in this whole process, such as vasopressin and dopamine, and this is not intended to be a comprehensive lesson in the Science of Sex. My point is.... well, you'll see my point.....)

As much as I hate to concede biological and evolutionary defeat on this subject...... women biologically are unable to completely separate sex from love (or some other comparable emotional attachment) leading to many busted windows and stalker behavior misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Intellectually we may be able to say "it's just sex", but Mother Nature has other plans for us, and you don't go toe to toe with Mother Nature.... you will ALWAYS lose, even if you don't lose right away. She's like a Vegas casino.... you may get lucky on a few rolls or a couple of pulls, and may even walk away with a jackpot. But play long enough and eventually gambler's ruin sets in and you end up looking like THIS.

So let's take a look at how this plays out. Ladies, you meet a guy/know a guy and you get into a FWB scenario because, for whatever reason, a full blown relationship is just not in the stars at that time. And you're fine with it because you get your needs met without the drama, there's no expectations, and you're just having fun. For a little while. All the while that you're getting that Mighty Mighty O, your body is steady kicking out oxytocin, which is making your body form an emotional attachment with this person and doesn't give a damn about what your brain says. According to "What is This Crazy Thing Called Love?" by Dr. Shirley Glass, "A trick of nature induces women to bond with an inappropriate partner after sex because of oxytocin which enhances orgasms and increases a woman’s emotional attachment to her sexual partner. That may be why you keep the creep with whom you sleep." Combine this with dopamine (the "feel good" hormone, which also increases oxytocin levels) and you're REALLY hit. Basically you are addicted to the warm fuzzy feeling (i.e. high), and like anything else that induces a high (e.g. drugs) you're gonna go through withdrawal when you stop.

So now you have this otherwise irrational bond with this person which is the equivalent of chemically induced insanity because in your mind you know this person is bad for you, yet you still are saying "I wish I knew how to quit you". I must admit..... I've been there. More than once. And honestly, in hindsight, it's a scary thing. I look back on two individuals in particular and think "What in the HELL was I thinking???" The best way I can describe it is like in the cartoons where the character is under some spell, and their eyes are all glassed over, and then the hero(ine) comes along and breaks the spell, and then suddenly the victim comes back like "Where am I?? What happened??" Basically, you're just like Prince Eric in this scene from The Little Mermaid:



Waking up from your stupor doesn't usually happen that fast.... it takes a clean break and some time. But once you've broken that addiction, you're good. Any time I've tried to backtrack and replicate those original feelings it was a monumental waste of time never the same because I'd already realized he was really Ursula the Sea Witch not as great as I'd originally thought he was. But originally you couldn't tell me he wasn't the greatest thing since sliced bread, even with the logical side of me saying "Don't do it.... reconsider.... do some living." I was merely a slave to chemical romance (".... he was my Voodoo Priest and I was his faithful concubine......").

So, with all that said..... ladies, don't fool yourself into thinking you can maintain a long term Friend with Benefits. Short term.... maybe. And it might be a little easier if he treats you like a complete asshole. But who the hell wants to have a string of flings sufficiently short enough not to develop this chemical bond and end up looking like a big ole slore? I used to think I was hardcore and cold blooded enough to manage it, but I'm officially waiving my white flag to Mother Nature. I don't mind being a slave to chemical romance, but only if my heart, mind and soul are imprisoned as well.

Emotional Baggage Sundays: Contrition

I have really got to get this song off repeat in my life playlist.... take it off the iPod, delete it out of iTunes, throw the CD out the window into oncoming traffic. Like Jill, I am Beautifully Human, and human means mistakes, weaknesses, and fallacies. But some things in my life aren't so beautiful, and therefore this song has got to go......


The future will be better.


"I'm truly sorry, baby........"

EBS Mid-Week Edition: Little Girl Lost

I was going through some old draft blog posts that didn't get posted for one reason or another.... didn't finish them, thought better not to post them, or the topics just didn't pan out the way I wanted. Some of these posts I'd imported from my original MySpace blog, and while I have posted a few (see Pre-Divorce) there are still a few collecting dust.

I came across this one that I wrote over 2 years ago, not too long after I'd separated and just 4 days before this happened..... yes, it was a bad time for me. But sadly, as I re-read this, for a second I thought it was something I'd written recently and forgotten about (yes, my memory is that bad) until I saw the words "my marriage". Swap out the word "marriage" for "relationship" (and a few other little tweaks) and I could have written this post 2 hours ago.

*le sigh*

I've been through so much, changed so much, experienced so much...... but it seems like everything is still just the same. Movement without progress. I'm trying to be patient and be like Santiago in The Alchemist and not let a seemly long term set back cause me to give up, but damn...... I just want to at least find the right road..... or hell, ANY road. The wilderness is getting cold and lonely.......

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

(originally written July 11, 2007)

"Oooooh, heeeeey..... I'm trying to decide..... which way to go..... I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere......." [Erykah Badu, Didn't Cha Know]

I don't read maps well.... even the Mapquest turn-by-turn directions must be consulted multiple times to make sure I'm understanding my next move just right. So it goes with my life as well..... I though I was going in the right direction, even when I had to make detours, but I'm looking around and I think I'm in the wrong place. I'm not quite sure if I'm in the wrong destination altogether and I didn't follow the directions EXACTLY as they were stated, or that this is the place my path lead to and it's not as glamorous and shiny as the brochure made it out to be. I suspect it's probably the latter.

Right now I am completely, totally, and utterly LOST. I don't know where I'm going with my career, I don't know where I'm going with my marriage, I don't know where I'm going with my identity, I don't know where I'm going with my living situation..... I'm just a little girl lost and bewildered. And I'm not even sure where to start making progress toward a path that I want to be on, or which path that even is. All I know is that HERE sucks, and HERE is not where I want to be. However, I've been off work almost 2 months now, and I'm no closer to sanity and sorting things out than I was back in May.

Another thing that makes me feel lost is the fact that my family, from what I hear, is pissed and disappointed in me, and I don't feel like they're being the safety net I need while I'm falling down. While most people turn to their moms when life is being mean, I feel like I can't because all that will happen is that SHE will start crying and telling me about how much her life sucks. While that's too bad, I really need someone to lean on and guide me..... I shouldn't be dishing out the advice as well. Hell, what the fuck do I know??

I know that I'm not purely a victim of circumstance.... I've put myself in some fucked up situations, so I'm not sitting here crying "Why me??" I also know that I have many opportunities and options at my fingertips, while many don't. But when I have TOO many choices, or one of those choices looks too foreign to what I'm used to, I get paralyzed and can't make a decision. But I feel like, for the most part, I've done the "right thing" that was supposed to lead me to success and happiness, and right now it's anything but such.

So.... now I gotta find out where I want to be and how I'm gonna get there, and I feel like I'm a LONG way away from wherever that is. I feel like there's a serious disconnect between my personality and interests and where I'm at in my career and marriage and everything else. My life is ill fitting right now. Gotta figure out where I belong.

That's not your wifey

I have a serious, major, infuriating pet peeve right now, and it concerns the word "Wife".

Today on Twitter, the trending topics of the day included #dontwifeher/#wifeher and #dontcuffhim/#cuffhim. Now, for all of my non-urban readers (or those of us who still have not had our Black Card reinstated), let me give you a little background on the terms:

1. wifing -- when a guy decides to make one girl, his number one. At this point he will be talking about loving you, buying you stuff.

2. wifey --
a. A REAL Lady, Not your only but your favourite, different from them hood rat chicks. Sexy in everyway possible, when she smiles it's sexy, even when she's mad at you it's sexy.
"I'm gon make her my wifey, she's not like them chicken heads round da way, she's a diamond in the rough"

b. a girl you care a lot about, she's more than just your girl.
"thats my wifey... so BACK UP"
(from Urbandictionary.com)

("Cuffing" is just the male equivalent)

Contrast this with the Dictionary.com definintion of the word:

wife  /waɪf/ –noun: a woman joined in marriage to a man; a woman considered in relation to her husband; spouse.

–verb (used without object), verb (used with object): Rare. wive.

—Idiom: take to wife, to marry (a particular woman): He took an heiress to wife.

Now, whether the Twitizens were talking about wife in the traditional sense of the word or in the "urban" sense of the word, this discussion pissed me off from both perspectives. First (for the traditional usage) who are all these never-been-married yahooligans to have an opinion on what makes good marriage material? Now I admit some of them were just being silly (like "#dontwifeher if she has a moustache") but other people acted like they were imparting some real knowledge and pearls of wisdom the people of the world. And to that I say GTFOHWTBS. If you have never been married--let alone had a serious relationship that has lasted more than a year-- to know what qualities make for a good relationship......STFU.

However, what really irks me and irriates me to no end is the use of the term "wife" or "wifey" to describe someone who is just a girlfriend. You can tell just by the definititions given on Urbandictionary.com how ignorant this concept is ("buying you stuff"?? Really???). I don't give a flying fig if she's your "number one" girlfriend, "only" girlfriend, "serious" girlfriend, or a girlfriend that you would consider "wife material"..... she's still JUST A GIRLFRIEND. I cannot stand how the terms are just thrown around loosely, which to me undermines and degrades the meaning of what a wife really is. "Wife" is a term that should be reserved for the person you are married to, not just the person you kick it with all the time and whom you've decided to ignore other women's text messages for (or don't cheat on "as much"). Your wife is the person to whom you have made the ultimate commitment to, not just in words but in actions before God and/or the law. Your wife is who you build a life with.... your friend, lover, companion, supporter, comforter, the one who you sacrafice for and who sacrafices for you. A wife is not someone who you just think about or talk about maybe loving, it is the woman you LOVE. When you have a wife, you are ALL IN.... you don't have one leg over the fence just in case you need to hop back over it real fast. I don't care how serious your relationship is... until you say those vows and exchange those rings, the term "wife" should not be used.

Yes, you could argue that it's just a word used in the popular vernacular to mean girlfriend and it's not that deep. And to that I shake my cane at you disagree..... I'm not buying the Humpty Dumpty argument this time around. Having been a wife, I am insulted by the use of the word outside of the marriage context, just like I am insulted when people use the suffix "Esq." behind their name and they are not attorneys, same way someone with an MD or PhD would be insulted if someone used the title "Dr." in front of his name. You do not earn the title and status of wife, or status of having a wife, without that work and commitment, and until you do you don't deserve the same level of reverence and respect.

*drops mic*

The Meaning of Michael: Deeper Than Philosophy

"Beethoven says that music is deeper than philosophy..... because in the end we're finite creatures. We don't have a language, or even a linguistic eloquence, that can begin to be fully truthful to the experiences that we have the short time we are here in time and space. So therefore you need some sounds.....even some noise. Organized noise. We need silence between the notes and the sounds that get at the deeper truths of who we are....." ~ Dr. Cornel West

(click to listen and download)

It is my utter joy and privilege share with you the best Michael Jackson tribute mix ever, created by my dear friend and favorite DJ, DJ Limelight. Yes, I know MJ died back in June, and it is now September, after all of the frenzy around his death has begun to wane, so it would seem that this is coming a little.... late. Not so. At ALL. Michael Jackson's musical career spanned 45 years.... most artists are lucky to get 4.5 months of success, let alone almost half a century. So to rush to throw together a Michael Jackson tribute mix a week or two after he died would not have done this great artist justice. DJ Limelight has literally been working on creating and perfecting his self-professed "magnum opus" since MJ died in June.... and it shows.

With that said, this is not your typical assemblage of Michael Jackson's music that you hear at wedding receptions, class reunions, and your local dive bar. Don't look for Beat It, Bad, Billie Jean, or Thriller..... they're not here. As the title implies, this is the true meaning of Michael Jackson in the eyes (and ears) of DJ Limelight, AND in the hearts of anyone who is truly a Michael Jackson fan. It's a timeless piece that transcends generations.... I made copies for my parents AND my 10 year old daughter. It doesn't just make you dance, it makes you feel.

But wait, there's more..... aside from the insanely creative butter smooth transitions between songs that just give you chills (or make you fall out on the floor like my homegirl over at Kunta Fly Shyt did when we were given a sneak preview of the final mix), the rare and unreleased MJ tracks (what ya know about that PYT Demo??), one of my favorite things about this mix is the commentary from scholars, comedians and artists interspersed and woven seamlessly in with the music that really touches on Michael Jackson's impact and genius as an artist and entertainer, and each comment is tied into the song that comes after it. There are several clips from scholar Dr. Cornel West from an interview with Tavis Smiley and Dr. Michael Eric Dyson that are just pure genius.... one of my favorite parts of the mix comes at 38:38, beginning with this quote from Dr. West:

"I think the important thing to understand first and foremost about Michael Jackson is that he was the international emblem of the African American blues spiritual impulse that goes back through slavery - Jim Crow, Jane Crow, up to the present moment, through a Louis Armstrong, through a Ma Rainey, through a Bessie Smith, all the way to John Coltrane, Aretha Franklin and Nina Simone. Michael Jackson was part of that tremendous wave....."

(Listen to and read the entire interview HERE, and you'll have to listen to the mix to hear why I run around and start screaming when I hear it)

I mean, what other DJs out there are doing this? Analyzing and commenting on the philosophical and sociological impact of Michael Jackson while at the same time giving you music that just makes you feel GOOD. I have been listening to this non-stop for the past 3 days since it was released, and I still can't get enough of it. Sheer brilliance..... both Michael Jackson and DJ Limelight.

So listen to it.... download it.... share it.... love it.

Never grown enough for Grown Folks Stuff

As a parent, there are just some things that you don’t do when it comes to your kids. Whether your child is 3, 13 or 35, you just don’t put your child in the middle of your marital problems. That should be something you deal with between you and your spouse with as little involvement and input from your children as possible.

Apparently, my dad did not get that memo.

Yes, loved ones, for once I’m not talking about my own divorce here. And while my parents aren’t divorced, there are many times where I sure the hell wish they were just so I wouldn’t be subject to the boolsheet I was subject to last night.

The convo started out innocent enough…. My dad brought Daughter home and was telling me how they traded their timeshare in the Ozarks for some spot in Mexico and some cash…….

(First of all, this was upsetting enough. We’ve had that timeshare for almost 30 years and that was our family vacation every summer when I was growing up. I’d planned on FINALLY going back next year, so I was heartbroken to hear that they got rid of it.....)

Then he starts telling me WHY they got rid of it and how my mom threw a fit about it, which then led to more complaining, which then led him to asking me to step outside with him for a minute. My heart just sank because I knew what was coming. He starts telling me that he’s unhappy and she treats him like shit and how she’s always alienated him from his friends and family, and on and on and on and on with info that I really didn’t want or need to know. All I could do was stand there and look at the ground, saying nothing, and wait for him to finish. On the one hand I felt bad because I know he doesn’t have anyone to talk to, but then on the other I was angry because he doesn’t have anyone to talk to. Why does a 60 year old man who lives in his home town where all his family and friends live have NOBODY to vent to besides his 31 year old daughter?? But as he explained the history of their 35 year marriage for the umpteenth time I was reminded why, which then made me think about my own personal struggles with interpersonal relationships (including how their relationship was a HUGE deciding factor in my divorce decision), and overall just made me really angry that 1) my mother is the way she is, 2) my dad put up with it unchecked, and 3) I’m effed up because of it. My dad may have walked away feeling better for having gotten some things off his chest, but I felt (and still feel) like absolute crap. Now *I* am looking for somewhere to dump this shitty feeling…….

I think it’s easier to remember not to put your child in the middle of your relationship mess when they are young, because there’s that separation between “grown folks stuff” and “kid stuff”. Youth automatically serves as a buffer. However, when you get older and become an adult, that distinction no longer exists so parents feel like they can now talk to you about “grown folks stuff” not realizing and appreciating that some “stuff” is still best kept to yourself. When I was married, The Ex actually did take my dad aside once and told him to quit using me to vent to because it was causing me a lot of stress and grief…. For once he stepped up as a husband and protected me from something. But now, I’m back on my own with nobody with the authority to be that buffer and stand up to my dad on my behalf. And it sucks.

I mean, what can I really say in these situations?? I shouldn’t be EXPECTED to say anything in these situations, in which case it’s just a dumping session. Rule #1 to venting…. Do not vent to interested parties, or else it becomes a dump, not a vent. And as the child of the two individuals involved, I’d pretty much say I’m an interested party. I could not IMAGINE saying the same things to my children about The Ex that I say to my BFFs--or even the blogosphere--when I vent. Because I know it would hurt them to hear those things about someone they still love, yet they can’t come to his defense because then it seems like they are taking sides. No matter how grown they get, that’s still “grown folks stuff”.

I just wish my dad afforded me the same consideration and would leave me out of it.........

*le sigh*

Emotional Baggage Sundays (+1): Fighting the Urge to Fight

I have a confession to make..... as much as I subscribe to the school of thought that you just have to let stuff go, I still harbor a lot of anger, hostility and pissedoffedness toward The Ex. Like, I get really, REALLY angry to the point where I'd like to commit trespass to his chattels (something along the lines of this) or some other act resulting in grievous bodily harm (but only in my mind, loved ones..... only in my mind). I'm usually a pretty laid back person who doesn't get worked up over much, especially when there's nothing I can do about it. But dealing with The Ex frustrates me to NO END, and I'm just tired of it.

Take this weekend, for example. The arrangement is that whoever has the kids for the weekend picks up said child (as we already each have one of them) at 6pm on Friday and returns them at 6pm on Sunday. Pretty standard arrangement. In the spirit of cooperation, we've been somewhat flexible on this schedule so that nobody is up in arms if we can't get there til 7pm or want the kids to stay over a little later on Sunday for dinner. However, this also leaves great room for abuse. Daughter and I had graduation for our martial arts class on Saturday morning, which The Ex claimed he could not get Daughter to so she would have to stay with me Friday and he'd come get her afterward on Saturday. Wasn't really too happy about this, because in my opinion if it's his weekend, it's HIS responsibility to get her where she needs to go and figuring out the logistics is his problem, not mine. But as usual, I said okay because I had Daughter's interests at heart and knew this was important to her.*

(*Daughter fell off a scooter and broke her wrist a week ago, 3 days before she was supposed to test to become a green belt. The day after she had surgery to reset the bone and have a pin inserted, she went ahead and took, and passed, her green belt test WITH her cast and scratched up face and knuckles.... she was uber determined. So yea, to miss the graduation would have been no bueno.)

Then The Ex changes things on me AGAIN and insists that I bring her to him. Uh no, that's not the deal... it's pick ups, not drop offs. That doesn't matter to him though. So all Friday evening and Saturday morning through afternoon we are battling via text because basically he was refusing to honor the arrangement, AND the secondary arrangement that HE came up with, and come pick her up. It even devolved to the point of him calling me a "stupid hoe".... wholly unnecessary. So FINALLY he says he's on his way to come pick her up around 1pm. I shower, get dressed, and wait.... and wait.... and wait..... because I had to be at a bar association event that afternoon. About an hour and a half later I get a text saying "I'll be there in an hour." It took all I had not to scream obscenities about him in front of his child. Although my calm outer facade said "Fine, I'll just take her with me to my function" my insides were screaming with rage. It took Daughter calling him for him to finally agree to at least meet me en route to my function, to which I reluctantly agreed because the event, while not kid un-friendly, wasn't all that kid-friendly either. I show up to the designated spot.... my travel distance being much further than his.... and he isn't there. More waiting. More rage, which I'm trying desperately to conceal in front of Daughter, but knowing me I didn't do a very good job..... even when I'm quiet, I tend to seethe. He finally shows up and Daughter is on her merry way (to the most hoodtastic and craptastic park festival that The Ex was supposedly too busy "organizing" to come pick her up, but from the looks of it, it didn't look like much "organizing" happened to put that mess together).

I just get so angry at the complete and utter lack of consideration and his constant need to try and punk me..... just a bully mentality. Never mind the blatant disrespect and insults, which really piss me off too, but which unfortunately I am somewhat used to from our days of being in wedded bliss (if you can't detect the custard thick sarcasm there, please stop reading my blogs). I'm a pretty cooperative person, but the more he tries to push me and punk me, the less inclined I am to show kindness. It's kind of a Golden Rule thing, a lesson which was apparently wasted on him. Had he 1) explained why he needed my assistance and cooperation instead of just saying "I can't/won't do it" and 2) Stuck to his word after I agreed to help him out, it would have been an entirely different scenario. And I told him that..... you receive what you give out, and so I wasn't giving out much in the way of compassion and consideration.

This troubles me, however. I don't want to be a bitter, vengeful person. I don't go as far as to be the nightmare baby momma from hell and just do things to fuck with him for the sake of fucking with him, but I'm just not inclined to be very nice. And I'll admit..... my brand of mean is quite surgical and designed to jab right where it hurts. He boxes, I fence. Regardless, though, it wastes A LOT of emotional energy, and, like a real physical fight, even when you've "won" you still come out a little beat up and sore. I'm troubled because it seems like instead of relations between us improving over time, it seems to be getting worse and worse.

Right now I'm at the point where I'm no longer sure how to be the "better person" without being a doormat that gets shat upon constantly. When you are dealing with a person who has no sense of why it's important to honor his word and thinks of nobody but himself, yet insists on what a "good person" he is, it's very, VERY hard to be the bigger person and ignore his antics, insults, and lack of consideration. Does the Golden Rule mean that if someone gives you bad treatment that you are then justified in giving it back? Or is the Golden Rule an absolute mandate that must be followed no matter how you are treated? I know that constant tit for tat gets you nowhere, but there has to be some point at which you should be able to stand up and fight back.

All I know is that I'm tired of the anger, the insults, the conflict, the drama...... I just want to move on with my life peacefully. And not have the constant urge to fight.

How Love Works: Divorce from a Kid's Perspective

I'm not 110% certain that this was actually written by a child (you never know with things you receive in e-mail chains), but the message is the same nonetheless. Kids see, feel and experience much more than you think they do, and this is especially important to remember when it comes to divorce. The following is hilarious..... but not. Enjoy.

Fin.

"Did you see my Tweet about.......?"

So yes, loved ones, I know I've been seriously slacking on the blogging front. But it's really been for legitimate reason, I swear...... ok, maybe not swear, but that's my present argument. But for real, part of the reason is that this blog originally was to be about my "adventures" going through and post-divorce, and one very fruitful source of inspiration is the world of dating.

Well, I'm not dating.

Yes, loved ones, I've been officially boo'd up for quite some time now, so there is much less tom- and kimfoolery to write about.

Except.... there really is.

However, since I would like to remain outside of the world of dating, I can't write about all the issues I think about and deal with in the day to day world of relationships. Ok, so there are many benign topics I could write about if I would quit being lazy and actually sit down to a keyboard to type something other than a Tweet but anyone with a relationship-themed blog who is actually IN a relationship knows that this is a veritable minefield of potential drama (which means that the most open and honest relationship blogs come from those people who AREN'T in relationships..... hmmm, think about that for a minute, loved ones). And as a person who tends to not trip about many things that normal human beings trip about, thus leading me directly to these mines, my inclination has just been to avoid the field altogether as not to inadvertently cause an explosion by being asked to explain and justify what I meant or get grilled about the ulterior motives of my post. And I'm not falling into the trap of "Say whatever is on your mind..... I won't get mad."

*long Napoleon Dynamite-esq sigh*

Anyway, one thing I have noticed is not only how blogging has an impact on relationships (or rather, relationships have an impact on blogging) but also another relatively recent social networking phenomenon: Twitter. As the saying goes, you're nobody til somebody Tweets you..... ok, maybe not, but my point is that it seems EVERYONE is on Twitter these days, and most likely if you're on Twitter, your boo-thang is on Twitter, too. And of course you follow each other. The result of this is that you are privy to your love muffin's thoughts and experiences all day.

Cute and special, right? It's great that you know that your hunny got a speeding ticket the very MOMENT it happens (because true Twitter heads would be Tweeting the news while they are waiting for the cop to finish writing out the ticket), verdad?

Sure..... and no.

Of course you can e-interact with your boo with an @ reply, or even a direct message, which is almost, but not quite, the same thing as talking to them about it (I'm a believer that text messaging and e-mails and the like are valid forms of communication.... I'm a modern girl). The conundrum arises when you get home. Because your boo already knows that you got a speeding ticket, ate maque choux at Yats for lunch, found out your BFF is pregnant, and think your co-worker is a moron.... what is there left to talk about? I frequently find myself starting off conversations with "Did you see my Tweet about......?" Of course, I usually didn't go into the entire situation in 140 characters or less so I do have SOMETHING to talk about, but I've just noticed that Twitter has had a definite influence in my verbal communications, whether that's an assumption that he already knows what I'm talking about and has some frame of reference, or that the matter was so inconsequential that 140 characters was sufficient to address it and it doesn't need to be discussed again.

Two ways to look at this: (1) Twitter hinders conversation because you've already talked about what you were going to talk about so there's no need to talk about it again for fear of being redundant, or (2) Twitter filters out the BS chatter so you're not subject to it after a long day of work (more of a bonus for men who complain that their girls talk too damn much, but I'm not one of those type of women anyway). I guess this really depends on what type of Tweeter you are, whether you are like me and Tweet about the mundane minutia of the day, or whether you only Tweet about major life occurrences. It also depends on what kind of verbal communicator you are.... whether you feel the need to share, or want to hear, every single little detail of your or your boo-thang's day.

For me personally, I don't think it's a problem. Sometime Tweets are actually a conversation starter: "So what did you mean when you Tweeted........?" and you can further elaborate on those 137 characters you wrote at 1:22pm. On the flipside, though, on a particularly boring day there's really not much more than what was written in the day's Tweets, so there's really not much more to say.

So....... has anyone else noticed Twitter's impact on relationships and communication? Good, bad, indifferent?

Oh, and follow me on.

Told you so (a follow up)

Yesterday I wrote a blog post analyzing the question of "how do you know him???" that I received in a message on Facebook in which I concluded that "just out of curiosity" means "I really want the scoop on this man who was/I wish to be mine" and that anyone responding to such a question should proceed with caution. Once again, my unheeded prophetess sense didn't fail me. Here's an excerpt of the message I was sent in response:

"Oh ok I know [so-and-so] from school I had the biggest crush on him too...."

Bingo-bango. Told you so.

How do you know HIM???

Today I got a Facebook friend request from a friend of a friend whom I'd hung out with a few times (ok, so we all went on a trip together, so she's more than just a passing acquaintance) and this is the message she sent me along with the request:

"Hey, How are you doing girl? How's things going with you? I was looking threw your page and on friend lists I seen [so-and-so] just out curiosity how do you know him???"

Now, anyone who has ever used Facebook, or MySpace, or any other social networking site knows that nobody actually knows everyone on their friend list. On Facebook, the friend request may be based solely on the fact that you have a lot of mutual friends (at least, that's how I do it.... and if I get a request with a very low number of mutual friends or none at all, they get the "Limited Profile" approval). And most friends on my friend list never get a message, wall post, Like, comment......nada. They're just kind of there.

My initial thought was "Hmmm..... this must be some guy she's been with, some guy she wants to get with, or some guy one of her girls has been with or wants to get with." The message is oozing with nosiness, messiness, and/or desperation. So how did I come to this conclusion so quickly? Let us analyze this 3 sentence message......

First, she went through all 320 of my friends (which is admittedly low for Facebook standards, but still objectively a lot of people) and picked out this ONE guy to ask me about "out of curiosity." "Out of curiosity" is one of those cover-up phrases which actually mean "I am desperate to know tell me everything right NOW!" I've encountered this phrase before and it always throws up a yellow flag that this person has ulterior motives for wanting to know this information aside for satisfying curiosity, usually of a personal (and intimate) nature.

Next, notice the use of excessive punctuation... not one question mark, but three. Maybe as a grammar geek I'm reading more into this and perhaps this chick always uses way too much punctuation, but even still excessive punctuation offenders usually get carried away with the exclamation points, not the question marks. No, to me this is a bit on the frantic side and smacks a bit of urgency to know this information.

Finally, notice how she didn't share how SHE knows this person. Normally when you ask how someone knows a person, you tend to share what your connection is to them as well. Example: "I saw John on your friend list, just wondering how you know him? He's my cousin on my momma's sister's auntie's side." The absence of such information leads me to believe that she doesn't WANT me to know her connection with this person because it may impact how much information she gets out of me, and that I may slip up and say something that I might not have had I know the extent of the relationship with this person. It's a set up, and I tend to side step set ups.

With all that said..... I don't know the guy from Adam. I had to go find him in my friend list to see who he even is, and even then nothing rang a bell. At most I've run across him in passing merely by virtue of the fact that this city is so damn small and all the folks with sense hang out at the same places, but still I don't know him from the next person out and about. Even still, though, the fact that my yellow flags were up helped me to temper my response. Something told me that it was a rather loaded inquiry, so this was my response:

"I don't. Just another random facebooker who must have saw that we have a lot of mutual friends. I only send friend requests to people I know personally."

I wanted to make it very clear that she could lower her hackles and let her girl know that she doesn't have to come beat my ass. But dang, chicks.... be a little slicker about your stalking activities! 'Cuz you know what? Even if I did know this guy and did have some scandalous scallywagging going on sort of relationship with him (past or present), my response would have probably been the same.

Bottom line..... don't do this sort of thing. I can see a fishing expedition a mile away. It's not slick or cute, and makes you look like a stalker. And nobody wants to be a stalker.... at least, they don't want to look like one.

Better safe than sorry.....?

So today on Twitter I was following and participating in a discussion initiated by The Red Pump Project regarding opinions on women who carry condoms. The discussion began as follows:

Question: Ladies, how do you feel about carrying condoms on you? Men: Would you frown upon your girl if she had condoms in her purse? (@RedPumpProject)

Here were some of the responses to the discussion:

WORD RT @anesidora I used to carry them & see nothing wrong with it. Presumably guys have condoms on deck, so why can't we? No excuses. (my response, of course)

RT @superhussy @RedPumpProj why not? i have to protect myself and you can't count on someone else to look out for your sexual health.

See? How does her protecting herself make u think she's a jumpoff? RT @peyso Yea, she's about safe sex. But I might think she's a jump

Handy nonetheless RT @TheBiasedTruth used to always carry them with me they always came in handy, but mostly for my friends! #redpumptalk

@RedPumpProj dudes usually know when there is the smallest poss of it going dn, he should be prepared if he's not, u should wonder why (@bsleet)

@bsleet It shouldn't be a 1 sided obligation. I believe in CYA (or rather CYP) & you don't always kno somethin will go down. #redpumptalk (@anesidora)

EXACTLY! RT @anesidora Not sayin its definitely goin down. I'd carry condoms for MONTHS & never have to use em. #redpumptalk

(you can follow more of the discussion on Twitter with the tag #redpumptalk or go to RedPumpProj)

It seemed like the general consensus was that there's nothing wrong with a woman carrying her own condoms, but a few of the dissents bothered me:

1. If she carries condoms, it makes her look like a jump off.

Since when did being prepared automatically make you reckless?? You don't buy car insurance with the intent of causing a 10 car pileup on I-69. You don't get anti-virus software for the purpose of downloading malicious executable files. Likewise, women don't necessarily carry condoms with the purpose and intent of finding some strange (or "new-new" as one of my friends calls it) and taking it home later that night. It's just in case, loved ones. And not just in case you find yourself in a one night stand situation because you were out hunting for some new-new before you even walked out the door. You never know if or when you may run into an old flame with whom you may want to rekindle that spark "for old times sake"..... you never know if you and your man may want to meet up later..... you never know if your friend or homie may need one. It's better that you have it covered (no pun intended) than leave something to drunken chance.

I won't launch into my full on assault on double standards, but this is CLEARLY one, and a very bad one. Sex takes two people equally involved, and ideally a condom should also be involved. You just cannot tell me that a woman being the one to supply said condom is somehow a less than desirable individual when she was going to have sex with the man ANYWAY. The logical fallacy is hurting my brain, so I'm going to have to stop.

2. The guy should have some, and you should question his level of responsibility and not deal with him if he doesn't.

This is an argument that would have my BFF, who is a Planned Parenthood lobbyist, springing to the attack and intellectually ripping you a new one. Going back to the car insurance analogy, you can't just say "well, everyone else should have insurance so I don't need any." It is every woman's right and obligation to make sure that she is in charge of her own sexual health. This is NOT an obligation that we need to place on others for the sake of not "looking like a hoe" (which is a BS argument and view anyway). Yes, men who are sexually active should have condoms in their possession..... but what happens if he unexpectedly runs out? What happens if he thought he had a whole box and his roomie came and "borrowed" them all? What happens if he gave his last one to his boy while they were out because it was obvious he was about to get into some meats (as my beau and his roomie say), and then you come along at 2:57am?? I can think of much more egregious deal breaker offenses and indications of lack of responsibility other than "he wanted to have sex but didn't have a condom." Well, obviously, you wanted to too, or you wouldn't be there, and you didn't have one either. Double Fail.

This should not be some sort of "test"...... if you read my blog posts, you know how much I abhor tests, checklists, and games. Why set yourself (and him) up like that?? "Oh, I'ma go to his place, get all ready to do the do, and if he doesn't have condoms on him he gets deleted from the Blackberry." Why not just have your own and everyone is happy? Now, the dealbreaker would be him not having any, you having one, but he still insists on following Old Dirty Bastard's advice anyway. *cue Shimmy Shimmy Ya*

(ok, so I admittedly "indirectly" used one test..... I used to buy Trojan Magnums, so if you were foolish enough not to have your own, and the ones I brought were a little... um..... "roomy", then you have failed on 2 fronts, not just one, and in theory, hopefully you would have been embarrassed enough to not make the same mistake again.)

Ok, I'm off the soapbox. To read more about my views on this, check this out: "....and if you need 'em I got crazy prophylactics....."

Also check out The Red Pump Project, a campaign to raise awareness about the effect of HIV/AIDS on women and girls.

And thanks to the homie BSleet for providing the intellectual banter.... we lawyers like to argue just for the hell of it sometimes, but it's all in love.

"Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be lawyers...."

I am officially done with traditional legal practice. I'm completely jaded. I tried, I really, really did.... for 5 years. And I've come to the realization that this ish just isn't me.

Here's proof in black and white from a book that I was required to read for work (that, BTW, I never finished):

"I feel the need at this juncture to direct or word to those readers who might be slightly put off by the seeming "game" and "gamesmanship" aspects of what we have and will be discussing. I don't want to wax too philosophical, and I suppose this could be handled more gently, but the fact is that the world of business is peppered with gaming elements, and negotiating and acquisition may well be the biggest game of all. I say this with no disrespect or opprobrium; quite the contrary, it is these very ingredients--the movement of big money, a high-level of matching of wits, achieving tangible results in an expeditious time frame-- that for me make acquisition work so fascinating. But it would be delusional to suggest that this kind of endeavor has a number of socially redeeming features, and if you hanker for that, negotiating deals will probably leave you empty and dissatisfied."

~ James C. Freund, Anatomy of a Merger: Strategies and Techniques for Negotiating Corporate Acquisitions, Section 2.4.3 (reprinted without permission, so I will probably be getting sued by this shark)

Empty and dissatisfied. Yup, that sums it up. And when you are totally devoid of passion, it shows in your work, especially when you are working with someone who is a ZEALOT for type of thing. I'm just not that adversarial and confrontational and, well, dirty. I went into transactional law trying to AVOID the adversarial climate of litigation, but I've come to realize that it's still there, just in different forms. At least in litigation the lines are definite and drawn and you know who, how and why you're trying to screw someone over. The transactional world is a bit sneakier about it.... you have to make the other person seem like they are winning when you're really just lining them up for a good screwing (sans lube).

Yup, I'm finally admitting it to myself..... I just don't have it in me. I'm smart as all get out, but I just lack that certain je ne sais quois (i.e. win at all costs cut throatism). Don't get me wrong, I love law...... the research, the analysis, the problem solving, the writing...... it's just the screwing part I have the problem with, and unfortunately in traditional practice that's where the rubber meets the road.

So aside from contract specialist work or compliance officer or something like that, I'm D-O-N-E (if I possibly have any say in the matter, which, in this economy, then answer leans toward "B....., not really"). Right now I'm looking to break into academia.... not necessarily as an instructor, but just in that realm period. I think my eccentric nature, idiosyncrasies, and outside the box nature are better suited to the academic world than the corporate one.

My "dream job", however, is in writing and publishing.... and not even just my own work. I know this sounds sick, but I like editing (even though I don't FULLY edit my blog posts so don't hold me to that high of a standard, but if I had to I could spot a period at the end of a sentence that is accidentally bolded when the rest of the text isn't). It's funny (not in a ha-ha funny kind of way though) that I remember a career day that they had at my high school and you could choose which presentations you wanted to attend. I picked law, journalism, and something else (I forget because I was busy puking from morning sickness..... *sigh*) and my favorite was actually journalism. That is, until I found out that they don't make a lot of money generally. I wish I could go find a time machine, corner my high school self in the bathroom, rough her up a little bit and tell her that's a stupid way to make a career choice, tell her never to mention that this happened or else, get back in my time machine and come back to 2009. Would have saved myself a lot of heartbreak......and student loan money.

So, anyone thinking about going to law school (and I wish I had a dime for everyone who has ever told me they thought/are thinking about going to law school, my student loans would be paid off by now), do a REALLY thorough self assessment of not just your intellect, but your personality as well. Not saying you have to be a cut throat sociopath extremely aggressive person to be a good lawyer, because there are lots of lawyers out there that truly help people and look out for the public good, but to be the big baller high roller attorney that everyone automatically thinks of when they hear the term "lawyer"..... well, yea, you kind of do have to be that person.

And now, I leave you with an excerpt from a blog post that I wrote back in September 2006 when I was still working at Big Firm..... a little parody (or warning, if you will):

"Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be lawyers.
Don't let 'em write briefs or drive luxury trucks.
Let 'em join peace corps or be artists and such.
Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be lawyers.
'Cos they'll never stay home and they're always alone.
Even with someone they love."

Independence is overrated

Much ado is made about the appeal of the "independent woman" versus a more "traditional woman", particularly among the black community. Quick..... name 5 songs about "Independent" women! *cue Jeopardy music*

1. "Miss Independent" by Ne-Yo
2. "Independent" by Webbie
3. "Independent Woman" by Destiny's Child
4. .....
5. ......

Crap, I'm drawing a blank. Anyway, you get the idea.

Yes, there is a certain appeal and value to a woman who can provide for herself and contribute to a relationship. However, the Dark Side of this independent woman movement is the A.B.W. Syndrome..... the woman who will hoot and holler that she doesn't need a man for a DAMN thing and she can do everything by her DAMN self, and DAMN a sexist ass man for expecting her to submit, or compromise, or anything that goes against exactly what SHE wants with her stupid checklists and unrealistic demands for perfection when she herself is one hoof away from being a wildebeest with a Mussolini attitude to match.

Ladies..... that's not cute.

I would consider myself to be independent..... whether my bills get paid does not depend on whether or not I'm in a relationship and/or how well I "put it on him" last night. My plan for financial success does not include how I'm going to rope in a man to take care of my finances. I also know how to change a tire, put together a book shelf, install a ceiling fan, hook up a router, I can even stain and polyurethane. On the flip side of that, I think I do have a few qualities that may be at odds with the hard-core feminist notion of the "independent woman" that, in my opinion, make me a pretty decent catch:

1. I can cook.

I always hear about guys complaining that women today can't cook. I thought this was just an over exaggeration and they meant that these women couldn't cook like momma or grandma with the meals that you have to start cooking at 3pm in order to be done by 6:30, because SURELY there are plenty of women out there who really need to have more fabric to cover their asses in the club who are obviously eating good. But I fully realized the magnitude of this problem this past weekend when I got up and made my beau breakfast..... he said that was the first time in his 28 years of life that a woman he was dating made him breakfast (aside from some eggs once, which he said were too nasty to eat). I almost didn't believe him. And it's not like I made come complicated breakfast..... Belgian waffles, turkey bacon, and scrambled eggs. Ladies, these are not hard things to make. A $30 waffle iron, some $3 belgian waffle mix, a $1.50 can of apple pie filling, turkey bacon thrown in the oven or skillet, and scrambled eggs.... I don't even EAT scrambled eggs but they're not that complicated where I couldn't figure them out.

Ladies, I'm not saying you need to become a gourmet cook or your man's grandma reincarnate. Start simple... hell, start INSTANT. Example: Spaghetti.... I've never met a man who doesn't like spaghetti. Find a sauce that you like (don't eff with Ragu unless you plan on seriously doctoring it up, which is NOT simple), cook noodles for 7 to 9 minutes (longer if you use whole wheat), , get a bag of pre-cut romaine lettuce & some Caesar dressing (I recommend the stuff that's in the refrigeration case with the salad mix... those tend to be better) throw some Parmesan cheese & croutons on it and you have a whole meal. Target is great for interesting instant meals..... their tortellini (boil for 5 minutes) with some marinara sauce is one of my favorites. My point is that you should find some simple GOOD meals and get proficient at making them. It will go a LONG way, trust me.

2. I respect sports.

Notice I didn't say I LIKE sports, at least not on the level that most men like sports. But I respect when important games are on and I will either not protest to it being on the TV, or, even more noble, I don't mind if he wants to go watch it with his boys. I don't throw a hissy fit and demand that we watch MY show, because chances are MY show will come on again. And I do try to know a little bit about the games, who's playing, who the key players are, at least the basic rules (mostly thanks to years and years of watching youth sports) so that when he does choose to stay home and watch the game with me I can actually enjoy it (to a degree) too.

Love it or hate it, but always respect it..... men and sports go together like peas and carrots. It's not going to change. You're not going to change it. Stop fighting it, accept it move on. It is simply a battle you will not win in the long run, and your short term wins will be pyrrhic victories.

3. I accept chivalrous acts.

Ok, I admit, this is something that I am actively working on, but more so because I hate to inconvenience people than having the attitude of "I can do it all myself I don't need you step off." It's just a fact that men like to feel needed and they still have a protective streak about them.... millions of years of instinct fighting off wild animals for us doesn't go away easily. One thing my beau likes to do is give me the shirt off his back.... literally. If he sees that I am cold (especially in the grocery store, where it's always cold) he will offer to take off his shirt so I can wear it. Most times I tell him it's ok, but sometimes I accept his offer. Same goes for opening my car door, letting me get my food first, and carrying heavy things for me. Ladies, let a man be a man sometimes, particularly if you are one who is complaining that there are no good men out there. Chivalry is dead in part because we killed it. Give it a chance to grow sometimes.... you just might like it.

4. I'm submissive.

This can be taken in many ways. *brief pause* But I shall speak on it generally. I am not religious in the traditional sense, but I do believe the man is the head of the household and should have the final say on certain things, and as such I will defer to those decisions. Granted, any man who I am with and would be attracted to would necessarily seek and respect my input and intelligence, so it's not like I'm advocating Coming To America like obedience (no standing on one foot and barking like a big dog for me).

Now, considering that I am in a relationship but not married, this plays less of a role than it would if I were married (membership has its privileges). But I still seek out my man's opinion on some things, and it's not always my way or the highway. We don't always have to see the movies *I* want to see, or go to the restaurants *I* want to go to, or hang out with *MY* friends. Mix it up a little and do what he wants to do sometimes, ladies.... you may just accidentally enjoy it.

5. I'm "creative" intimately.

I've written on the topic of One Stop Shopping before, so I won't rehash what I've already discussed (i.e. stop and go read it). But nothing drives me more insane than a woman who reasons that her man doesn't "respect" her if he asks her to do certain things in the bedroom (or couch, or car, or.......) and exclaiming that she could "NEVER do THAT!" because she's too much of a "lady." Um, no.... not respecting you is him asking someone ELSE to fulfill his fantasies because you won't. There's nothing wrong with being your man's personal Darling Nikki. In fact, you SHOULD be, because think about it...... if not you, then who?

Ok, I'm done with my list for now. I'm sure I can think of some others, in which case I will come back and do a Part Deux. Just remember, ladies, being independent is all fine and good, but still remember that your man likes women, so it's ok to act like a woman from time to time. Nobody is asking you to stay barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, but it won't kill you to do some of those things your grandma used to do for your granddad. It doesn't make you any less strong or independent or less of a person. Just give a little sometimes.