October 8, 2009


This will be my last blog post here at Adventures in Divorce. I can't say I've been thinking about this for awhile.... like many decisions I make it came more in the form of an epiphany than mulling over it, weighing the pros and cons, and finally arriving at a decision. That's not to say this is a rash, un-thought out decision. I think it's just time.

Originally when I started this blog, the purpose was somewhat therapeutic for me..... so much craziness was going on dealing with my divorce that I needed to let it out (and sometimes laugh) to keep from crying. I wanted to connect with other people going through similar issues with divorce and its aftermath by sharing my experiences, thoughts and stories. But now I feel confined by it.... I find myself wanting to write about certain things and deciding not to because it didn't fit with the "theme" of the blog. Then came the issue of not wanting to write about an active relationship as not to say something that I would regret later, or just not feeling like it was appropriate to discuss such subjects in the blogosphere. As the divorce drama started to die down and the dating roller coaster (if I was even on one.... that's a whole 'nother subject) began to slow, I found that I had less and less relevant material to write about. I also never set out to be another relationship advice blog, because goodness knows there are enough of them out there written by people who've never had a relationship last more than a year (I'm being hyperbolic here, but you know what I'm saying.... or at least, you should). I don't profess to have the answers about anything... all I can do is share what I've been through, and my thoughts, theories and reactions to them. But that's where I'm starting to see it go, so I figure I ought to just put it out of its misery now.

More importantly, though, I'm finding myself mired in the past way too much, and this blog is one of the symbolic anchors holding me back. The name itself is an albatros: Adventures in Divorce. I'm tired of the title of "divorcee" and am ready to get on with the business of life that comes after the divorce. I'm ready to shake off all the vestiges of that season in my life and enter a new one. Hell, my login still contains my old last name, so I'm reminded of the ordeal every time I sign into my blog (and I always get kicked out of my current Gmail account, so I can't even blog and e-mail/chat at the same time).

I've also learned a lot in the past year and a half and made A LOT of mistakes..... mistakes in attitude, judgment, action and perspective. And I have learned from these mistakes. Some of my posts I will stand by to this day, but many of them reflect flawed or distorted thinking at the time I wrote them. The unfortunate (but also fortunate) thing about written words is that they are static..... the thoughts and attitudes behind them may have changed, but the words always stay the same. I view blog posts similar to the way I view photographs.... they are snapshots in time. Nobody expects the people and the scenarios depicted in the photo to remain just as they are in the picture. But I can't expect people to read these posts like I do..... as a progression, a journey. It is easy to assume that a blog post I wrote a year ago reflects my thoughts and feelings on the subject now, and I can almost guarantee you that's not the case. I have been through so much emotional turmoil and so much personal growth and change that I don't want some of these attitudes attributed to me now, and I don't want the emotional burden of those words on me. Viewpoints change, arguments change, attitudes change, actions change..... but words don't. I'm glad that I have these written snapshots as a reminder of where I have been and where I am going, but it's time to put them away.

Don't fret though, loved ones..... I didn't say I was done blogging. I just said I'm done with THIS blog. I want to open up my blog to whatever I feel like writing about and not be confined to divorce and dating and parenting and DRAMA. I think I'm going to import some of my favorites from AID, but the rest are eventually going into my personal archives..... maybe I'll pull them out when I've finally reached that happier place. But right now I need to do something to get to that happier place, and dwelling in and on the past is getting me nowhere.*

*Sidenote: It was brought to my attention that one attributes of Cancers is that we tend to dwell in and hold onto the past. I can't say I disagree with that, so with that said I am making a conscious choice not to now that I am aware of that tendency. The first step toward recovery is acceptance that you have a problem....... right?

So, coming soon you can find the new and improving (can't even say improved, cuz that's what life is all about.... constantly improving) me at a new address in the blogosphere..... I'm not even going to use my same pseudonym anymore. My snake, Pandora, died the other day (in case you didn't know, Anesidora is another name for Pandora), plus I don't want to be that person anymore. Likewise, the Twitter account is going as well. That's the beautiful (and tragically sad) thing about the Internet..... reinvention is just a delete key away. I'll leave the blog up for a little while, but soon it will be gone. Please conduct yourselves accordingly.

Idiosyncratic Thoughts of an Unheeded Prophetess
....... coming soon (like as in NOW).

AID..... Fin.


Anonymous said...

What a well-written final post. I look forward to your new blog as you embrace the unlimited potential without a divorce theme. I know there will be times when you want to write about something related to divorce, and that will be ok because it stays with us, even in our new lives. But it is great that you are moving on.

Anonymous said...

Hi: My name is Joe and I have no idea about blogging, but a friend [Billy] gave me the suggestion to write this to you and that maybe my experiences may be of some value to you and your readers.

I was married for 28 years and lost my wife to cancer. It was difficult and the saddest point in my life. I went through it remembering all of the good times.

I remarried a very young woman, sort of on the rebound and we had three nice years, although we were married for ten. She cheated and it had to end and did. Strangely, that hurt as well, but not even a percentage of my wife's death.

Then, I thought I met my life's partner [soul mate], although I understood that she had serious problems [trust, etc.] to get over, I felt that we could work through them together. I spent three and one-half years with her, spoiling her and treating her like a princess.

[part one - to continue]

Your friend in Christ, Joe [joepro12@aol.com]

Anonymous said...

Continued - part two

Hi: My name is Joe.

I ended the relationship one night after catching her in a very little lie. It was not the lie, but it was a big sign that she could not deal with more than one relationship at a time [she had just made a girl friend] and she was confused and this made us both very unhappy.

I had started to go to church and the
instruction that I got was to put myself aside and it although it hurt greatly, I did the right thing to relieve the stress and ended the relationship.

She then called me and we went back the following Sunday and agreed to work things out. We never got the chance.

The following day, on Monday, she sent me an e-mail, breaking up with me for some sort of blogging thing. Although I did not do it, it hurt badly to be accused by a loved one and since then, well - let me just say anything that happens in her life is passed along as my fault. I however did nothing, but that is not the concern to me.

The strange thing is that I make excuses for her blaming me - you know, that kind of stuff like who else could it be and how strange that it happens just after we ended the relationship, etc. The truth is that I do not know who did what, only that I did not, and that she is just to afraid to ever truly let go and trust anyone, so that she is doomed to never, ever have a truly happy life.

I have moved on, at least, in my mind to say that the end is the end and although it happened in a strange way, what differneces does it make - it happended.

Unfortunately, the heart is another thing and that will hurt for some period of time as I find myself remembering all of the trips that we took [Paris, London, Venice, Rome, Cancun, Aruba, Bahamas, Maine, Vermont, Canda, etc.], the ballet and other shows that we always enjoyed.

A thing that I think I want to pass along is that the hurt that truly needs to be dealt with is the betrayal from my best friend, for whether we know it or not, the woman that you love is and has to be your best friend. She needs to be there - no matter what, on your side. She is worth finding, treating like a princess, and keeping. Sometimes, you can treat a person too well, but I would have no regrets for doing so.

Sometimes, people make mistakes and I know I did, but offering to work on them has gotten no response from her and that continues to hurt, but it is what it is.

I have found the Lord during our relationship and have turned to the church for guidance, knowing that there is nothing that I can do, so faith became the guide for my new life.

Of course, there will be one - maybe without her it will be different and there will always be that little part of me that will miss her and wonder what it would have been like to be here and there with her and her children. It came to me as a great surprise that I miss them and her parents so much, as they have become like my family.

I do not know if this will help anyone, but the bottom line is that when you see no communication for a period of time, my advice is not to do nothing, force it, talk, and things will be better. I closed up and that was a big mistake. I thought time will cure her and us and of couorse, it never will.

You just cannot focus on the people that do not want to be in your life, you must focus on the people that do want to be in your life.

A point that I want to make is that when you go through this process, a strange thing happens. You find out who you are. I missed my family and have now reunited with my daughter, son, friends, and other family members. That is great.

[to be continued]

Your friend in Christ, Joe [joepro12@aol.com]

Anonymous said...

Hi: My name is Joe.

I posted my comments in three sections as I wrote to much to do it as one. I am not a person who does this so I hope that I did not screw it up and that they get there. If they do not, then let me know and I will try to write it again. Sorry, if I left any part of this story missing. It is stupidity, not intentional.

Joe [joepro12@aol.com]

Anonymous said...

Hi: My name is Joe.

It appears that I did mess up getting the third and final part of this story to you and I will try to recreate it and send it to you, as I cannot do so now. Sorry, if this left anyting hanging, but i sdid say that I was not very good at all of this. Joe [joepro12@aol.com]

Anonymous said...

[Continued - part three]

Hi: My name is Joe.

It appears that the third part was lost and to be candid, I do not recalll what I wrote, as it was being written from my heart. Billy just arrived and got me back to this page, so I will try to add comments, although my first writing was much better. I stress again that this is about me and not about Billy although he felt I should write to you. I will make sure I comment in small sections.

Let me start with my horoscope, which I do not believe in, but which are always interesting. Anything that makes you think cannot be all bad. Mine today says : Difficulties at home will leave you questioning if you have made the right choices lately. Before you are too hard on yourself, consider that other people have contributed to the goings on and you are probably better off taking a wat and see attitude, even if it does not suit your Aires personality.

Wow, I think that hits home and makes one think, as we always blame ourselves for the weaknesses of our loved ones. We need not to do that.

I will continue shortly.

Joe [joepro12@aol.com]

Anonymous said...

[continued - part four]

Hi: Joe again - continuing on.

I think there are some do's and dont's that need to be stated, so here goes:


give you heart away, it is oko if it is broken
do be steady, dependable and respectfull, even when it hurts
do be gentle, caring and loving, even when she is not
do be faithfull, even when tempted
do say goodbye to the children when you leave as they deserve it
do communicate all the times - even if you are afraid of breaking up
do help anyone that you can
do think of her as the most beautiful person inside and out, even when she may not deserve it
do trust and love her, as it reflects on you - not her
do tell the truth and never lie
do love her - even when she runs away

[to be continued]

Joe [joepro12@aol.com]

Anonymous said...

[continued - part five]

Hi: Joe again. Ihope I did not screw up the do's, but I willl move on to the don't's and hope the do's make it.


- be afraid to love for fear of being hurt
- never be angry or hurtful to anyone
- never be afraid to treat her like a princess, even when she treats you like a frog
- be afraid to talk to her, even when you are afraid of the outcome
- do things for her but do them for yourself more
- never cheat on her
- never lie to her
- never hurt her
- never treat her family or friends with disrespect
- never be concerned about spending your last penny on her
- never be afraid to trust her and in her
- never provide proof of your innocense to someone you love
- never jump to conclusions, even when no other answers seem to be there

[to be continued]

Joe [joepro12@aol.com]

Anonymous said...

[continued - part six]

Hi: Joe again. continuing the don't's.

- never be to busy to just call her and let her know she is in your thoughts and heart
- never be to cheap to send flowers, for no reason at all
- never be to big to say you are sorry
- never worry about being right, worry about being happy

I could go on and on, but I think I have made the point, assuming this all gets there. I did start by saying that I do not know how to do this and I seem to not be very good at it. This is my first time, so give me a chance.

I will continue with an example.

[to be continued]

Joe [jopepro12@aol.com]

Anonymous said...

[continued - part seven]

Hi: Joe again. I guess by now you appreciate that I am not good at this.

I will give you an example of how conclusions jump out at you, when they might just be coincidental happenings.

After we broke up, on Friday, her 11 year old happened to telephone me. He said it was by accident, but we talked for a little and it was nice to do so. I accepted it as an accident.

On Saturday, her 14 year old telephoned me and said it was by accident, but we talked for a minute and it was equally nice to do so. I accepted it as an accident.

On Saturday, after that, her parents called but I missed the call as I was out for a motorcycle ride with a new friend and did not hear it. I returned the call and left a message.

Anyone seeing these events would draw a conclusion. I prefer not to do so. Why guess about things that you do not know for sure. It only causes cancer to your heart. my ex-girl friend did the exact opposite to me. After we broke off [by e-mail after 3 1/2 years, which tells you something about her], I received e-mails accusing me of childish and stupid things [like letting the air out of a tire, etc.] At 62, these things are just absurd, but she jumped to the conclusion that we broke off, even though we never even had a bad word, much less this crap, no-one else came to mind, so it must be him. Shame on her is all that a normal person could say. I could explain my whereabouts for every day between break up and these events being told to me, but why prove myself. That would only feed into a weak person's problems.

Well, I hope this helps and if I do not see the do's appear then I will endeavor to add them at some time.

May God bring you all that you deserve and desire, Joe [joepro12@aol.coom]

Anonymous said...

Hi: Joe again. I am told that I might have forgotten to say something clearly, but I thought I did, so I might be repeating.

Billy Mac... just came back with the food and he wanted me to stress that he had no input about what I wrote, the content, the subject matter, and he never gave me suggestions or read it. As an attorney, he has been my client for years and we just became closer recently, but my mind starts to wonder why he wanted me to share my story with you on your blog. I know it is bad and wrong to drwar conclusions, so excuse me and let me say that if you do know each other, then trust me that he might have pointed me to you, but all that was said was from my heart and about me - not him or you. I do not lie and I do not hide, so I put my e-mail address on each comment. Joe [joepro12@aol.com]

Anonymous said...

I'm really sorry to hear about Pandora. I wish you well with your new blog. I'll miss the old one. The first year after a divorce is always a whirlwind. I've been there and I blogged mine and it does help to go read it sometimes and gain perspective. Blogs are like photos and no matter how bad the time, there are no photos albums that I've been happy I burned. So maybe instead of update you can just let it sit in case you need a reminder years down the line.



Anonymous said...

I would agree that keeping it as "history" is a very good idea.

jenny francis said...

I always hate to hear about a relationship breaking up. It always makes me so sad. But I firmly believe that couples can be reunited!

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