Adventures in Divorce

I always wondered why people who murdered their spouses didn't just get a divorce.... I now understand why

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Location: Nap Town, Indie-anne-ahhhhhh!, United States

No, I'm not a prophetess. Cassandra, according to Greek mythology, spurned the advances of the Greek god Apollo and her gift of prophecy was cursed so that her predictions would never be believed. Such is my life. I tend not to think like most people, which is a gift... but also a curse. So step into my mind, take off your shoes and stay for awhile... you're always welcome, loved ones.

September 21, 2009

My Chemical Romance

No, not talking about this Chemical Romance:


I'm talking about THIS chemical romance:


That, loved ones, is the molecular structure for Oxytocin..... the chemical that induces labor (the synthetic form is Pitocin.... I'm sure every mother has at least heard of it), the chemical that is released during breast feeding that "lets down" the milk (otherwise we'd be leaving puddles of milk everywhere all the time) and causes bonding between mother and baby, and it's the chemical that helps us create emotional bonds with people in general. Oxytocin also reduces fear, increases eye contact, and increases trust and generosity.

It's also the chemical released in much greater levels in women than men during sex.

(Of course, there are other chemicals involved in this whole process, such as vasopressin and dopamine, and this is not intended to be a comprehensive lesson in the Science of Sex. My point is.... well, you'll see my point.....)

As much as I hate to concede biological and evolutionary defeat on this subject...... women biologically are unable to completely separate sex from love (or some other comparable emotional attachment) leading to many busted windows and stalker behavior misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Intellectually we may be able to say "it's just sex", but Mother Nature has other plans for us, and you don't go toe to toe with Mother Nature.... you will ALWAYS lose, even if you don't lose right away. She's like a Vegas casino.... you may get lucky on a few rolls or a couple of pulls, and may even walk away with a jackpot. But play long enough and eventually gambler's ruin sets in and you end up looking like THIS.

So let's take a look at how this plays out. Ladies, you meet a guy/know a guy and you get into a FWB scenario because, for whatever reason, a full blown relationship is just not in the stars at that time. And you're fine with it because you get your needs met without the drama, there's no expectations, and you're just having fun. For a little while. All the while that you're getting that Mighty Mighty O, your body is steady kicking out oxytocin, which is making your body form an emotional attachment with this person and doesn't give a damn about what your brain says. According to "What is This Crazy Thing Called Love?" by Dr. Shirley Glass, "A trick of nature induces women to bond with an inappropriate partner after sex because of oxytocin which enhances orgasms and increases a woman’s emotional attachment to her sexual partner. That may be why you keep the creep with whom you sleep." Combine this with dopamine (the "feel good" hormone, which also increases oxytocin levels) and you're REALLY hit. Basically you are addicted to the warm fuzzy feeling (i.e. high), and like anything else that induces a high (e.g. drugs) you're gonna go through withdrawal when you stop.

So now you have this otherwise irrational bond with this person which is the equivalent of chemically induced insanity because in your mind you know this person is bad for you, yet you still are saying "I wish I knew how to quit you". I must admit..... I've been there. More than once. And honestly, in hindsight, it's a scary thing. I look back on two individuals in particular and think "What in the HELL was I thinking???" The best way I can describe it is like in the cartoons where the character is under some spell, and their eyes are all glassed over, and then the hero(ine) comes along and breaks the spell, and then suddenly the victim comes back like "Where am I?? What happened??" Basically, you're just like Prince Eric in this scene from The Little Mermaid:



Waking up from your stupor doesn't usually happen that fast.... it takes a clean break and some time. But once you've broken that addiction, you're good. Any time I've tried to backtrack and replicate those original feelings it was a monumental waste of time never the same because I'd already realized he was really Ursula the Sea Witch not as great as I'd originally thought he was. But originally you couldn't tell me he wasn't the greatest thing since sliced bread, even with the logical side of me saying "Don't do it.... reconsider.... do some living." I was merely a slave to chemical romance (".... he was my Voodoo Priest and I was his faithful concubine......").

So, with all that said..... ladies, don't fool yourself into thinking you can maintain a long term Friend with Benefits. Short term.... maybe. And it might be a little easier if he treats you like a complete asshole. But who the hell wants to have a string of flings sufficiently short enough not to develop this chemical bond and end up looking like a big ole slore? I used to think I was hardcore and cold blooded enough to manage it, but I'm officially waiving my white flag to Mother Nature. I don't mind being a slave to chemical romance, but only if my heart, mind and soul are imprisoned as well.

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2 Comments:

Anonymous Selah said...

Oh, how I love your posts oh so much. lol I feel like you take the words out of my head.

And I've been there before... and thank GAWD Its over. Matter of fact, I saw the dude the other day, and even tho he is still a sexy beast... he's such a darn idiot. (and an emotional idiot, too.. but that's a whole nother discussion) ... SO HA! lol ok i'm done.

September 22, 2009 at 2:09 AM  
Anonymous MrsTDJ said...

Great post! IMO, FWB situations are ALWAYS trouble because somebody catches feelings. Now, I have the scientific/biological explanation for why.

September 23, 2009 at 2:04 PM  

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Adventures in Divorce: My Chemical Romance

My Chemical Romance

No, not talking about this Chemical Romance:


I'm talking about THIS chemical romance:


That, loved ones, is the molecular structure for Oxytocin..... the chemical that induces labor (the synthetic form is Pitocin.... I'm sure every mother has at least heard of it), the chemical that is released during breast feeding that "lets down" the milk (otherwise we'd be leaving puddles of milk everywhere all the time) and causes bonding between mother and baby, and it's the chemical that helps us create emotional bonds with people in general. Oxytocin also reduces fear, increases eye contact, and increases trust and generosity.

It's also the chemical released in much greater levels in women than men during sex.

(Of course, there are other chemicals involved in this whole process, such as vasopressin and dopamine, and this is not intended to be a comprehensive lesson in the Science of Sex. My point is.... well, you'll see my point.....)

As much as I hate to concede biological and evolutionary defeat on this subject...... women biologically are unable to completely separate sex from love (or some other comparable emotional attachment) leading to many busted windows and stalker behavior misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Intellectually we may be able to say "it's just sex", but Mother Nature has other plans for us, and you don't go toe to toe with Mother Nature.... you will ALWAYS lose, even if you don't lose right away. She's like a Vegas casino.... you may get lucky on a few rolls or a couple of pulls, and may even walk away with a jackpot. But play long enough and eventually gambler's ruin sets in and you end up looking like THIS.

So let's take a look at how this plays out. Ladies, you meet a guy/know a guy and you get into a FWB scenario because, for whatever reason, a full blown relationship is just not in the stars at that time. And you're fine with it because you get your needs met without the drama, there's no expectations, and you're just having fun. For a little while. All the while that you're getting that Mighty Mighty O, your body is steady kicking out oxytocin, which is making your body form an emotional attachment with this person and doesn't give a damn about what your brain says. According to "What is This Crazy Thing Called Love?" by Dr. Shirley Glass, "A trick of nature induces women to bond with an inappropriate partner after sex because of oxytocin which enhances orgasms and increases a woman’s emotional attachment to her sexual partner. That may be why you keep the creep with whom you sleep." Combine this with dopamine (the "feel good" hormone, which also increases oxytocin levels) and you're REALLY hit. Basically you are addicted to the warm fuzzy feeling (i.e. high), and like anything else that induces a high (e.g. drugs) you're gonna go through withdrawal when you stop.

So now you have this otherwise irrational bond with this person which is the equivalent of chemically induced insanity because in your mind you know this person is bad for you, yet you still are saying "I wish I knew how to quit you". I must admit..... I've been there. More than once. And honestly, in hindsight, it's a scary thing. I look back on two individuals in particular and think "What in the HELL was I thinking???" The best way I can describe it is like in the cartoons where the character is under some spell, and their eyes are all glassed over, and then the hero(ine) comes along and breaks the spell, and then suddenly the victim comes back like "Where am I?? What happened??" Basically, you're just like Prince Eric in this scene from The Little Mermaid:



Waking up from your stupor doesn't usually happen that fast.... it takes a clean break and some time. But once you've broken that addiction, you're good. Any time I've tried to backtrack and replicate those original feelings it was a monumental waste of time never the same because I'd already realized he was really Ursula the Sea Witch not as great as I'd originally thought he was. But originally you couldn't tell me he wasn't the greatest thing since sliced bread, even with the logical side of me saying "Don't do it.... reconsider.... do some living." I was merely a slave to chemical romance (".... he was my Voodoo Priest and I was his faithful concubine......").

So, with all that said..... ladies, don't fool yourself into thinking you can maintain a long term Friend with Benefits. Short term.... maybe. And it might be a little easier if he treats you like a complete asshole. But who the hell wants to have a string of flings sufficiently short enough not to develop this chemical bond and end up looking like a big ole slore? I used to think I was hardcore and cold blooded enough to manage it, but I'm officially waiving my white flag to Mother Nature. I don't mind being a slave to chemical romance, but only if my heart, mind and soul are imprisoned as well.

Labels: , ,