I came across this one that I wrote over 2 years ago, not too long after I'd separated and just 4 days before this happened..... yes, it was a bad time for me. But sadly, as I re-read this, for a second I thought it was something I'd written recently and forgotten about (yes, my memory is that bad) until I saw the words "my marriage". Swap out the word "marriage" for "relationship" (and a few other little tweaks) and I could have written this post 2 hours ago.
*le sigh*
I've been through so much, changed so much, experienced so much...... but it seems like everything is still just the same. Movement without progress. I'm trying to be patient and be like Santiago in The Alchemist and not let a seemly long term set back cause me to give up, but damn...... I just want to at least find the right road..... or hell, ANY road. The wilderness is getting cold and lonely.......
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(originally written July 11, 2007)"Oooooh, heeeeey..... I'm trying to decide..... which way to go..... I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere......." [Erykah Badu, Didn't Cha Know]
I don't read maps well.... even the Mapquest turn-by-turn directions must be consulted multiple times to make sure I'm understanding my next move just right. So it goes with my life as well..... I though I was going in the right direction, even when I had to make detours, but I'm looking around and I think I'm in the wrong place. I'm not quite sure if I'm in the wrong destination altogether and I didn't follow the directions EXACTLY as they were stated, or that this is the place my path lead to and it's not as glamorous and shiny as the brochure made it out to be. I suspect it's probably the latter.
Right now I am completely, totally, and utterly LOST. I don't know where I'm going with my career, I don't know where I'm going with my marriage, I don't know where I'm going with my identity, I don't know where I'm going with my living situation..... I'm just a little girl lost and bewildered. And I'm not even sure where to start making progress toward a path that I want to be on, or which path that even is. All I know is that HERE sucks, and HERE is not where I want to be. However, I've been off work almost 2 months now, and I'm no closer to sanity and sorting things out than I was back in May.
Another thing that makes me feel lost is the fact that my family, from what I hear, is pissed and disappointed in me, and I don't feel like they're being the safety net I need while I'm falling down. While most people turn to their moms when life is being mean, I feel like I can't because all that will happen is that SHE will start crying and telling me about how much her life sucks. While that's too bad, I really need someone to lean on and guide me..... I shouldn't be dishing out the advice as well. Hell, what the fuck do I know??
I know that I'm not purely a victim of circumstance.... I've put myself in some fucked up situations, so I'm not sitting here crying "Why me??" I also know that I have many opportunities and options at my fingertips, while many don't. But when I have TOO many choices, or one of those choices looks too foreign to what I'm used to, I get paralyzed and can't make a decision. But I feel like, for the most part, I've done the "right thing" that was supposed to lead me to success and happiness, and right now it's anything but such.
So.... now I gotta find out where I want to be and how I'm gonna get there, and I feel like I'm a LONG way away from wherever that is. I feel like there's a serious disconnect between my personality and interests and where I'm at in my career and marriage and everything else. My life is ill fitting right now. Gotta figure out where I belong.
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