Adventures in Divorce

I always wondered why people who murdered their spouses didn't just get a divorce.... I now understand why

My Photo
Name:
Location: Nap Town, Indie-anne-ahhhhhh!, United States

No, I'm not a prophetess. Cassandra, according to Greek mythology, spurned the advances of the Greek god Apollo and her gift of prophecy was cursed so that her predictions would never be believed. Such is my life. I tend not to think like most people, which is a gift... but also a curse. So step into my mind, take off your shoes and stay for awhile... you're always welcome, loved ones.

September 1, 2009

Never grown enough for Grown Folks Stuff

As a parent, there are just some things that you don’t do when it comes to your kids. Whether your child is 3, 13 or 35, you just don’t put your child in the middle of your marital problems. That should be something you deal with between you and your spouse with as little involvement and input from your children as possible.

Apparently, my dad did not get that memo.

Yes, loved ones, for once I’m not talking about my own divorce here. And while my parents aren’t divorced, there are many times where I sure the hell wish they were just so I wouldn’t be subject to the boolsheet I was subject to last night.

The convo started out innocent enough…. My dad brought Daughter home and was telling me how they traded their timeshare in the Ozarks for some spot in Mexico and some cash…….

(First of all, this was upsetting enough. We’ve had that timeshare for almost 30 years and that was our family vacation every summer when I was growing up. I’d planned on FINALLY going back next year, so I was heartbroken to hear that they got rid of it.....)

Then he starts telling me WHY they got rid of it and how my mom threw a fit about it, which then led to more complaining, which then led him to asking me to step outside with him for a minute. My heart just sank because I knew what was coming. He starts telling me that he’s unhappy and she treats him like shit and how she’s always alienated him from his friends and family, and on and on and on and on with info that I really didn’t want or need to know. All I could do was stand there and look at the ground, saying nothing, and wait for him to finish. On the one hand I felt bad because I know he doesn’t have anyone to talk to, but then on the other I was angry because he doesn’t have anyone to talk to. Why does a 60 year old man who lives in his home town where all his family and friends live have NOBODY to vent to besides his 31 year old daughter?? But as he explained the history of their 35 year marriage for the umpteenth time I was reminded why, which then made me think about my own personal struggles with interpersonal relationships (including how their relationship was a HUGE deciding factor in my divorce decision), and overall just made me really angry that 1) my mother is the way she is, 2) my dad put up with it unchecked, and 3) I’m effed up because of it. My dad may have walked away feeling better for having gotten some things off his chest, but I felt (and still feel) like absolute crap. Now *I* am looking for somewhere to dump this shitty feeling…….

I think it’s easier to remember not to put your child in the middle of your relationship mess when they are young, because there’s that separation between “grown folks stuff” and “kid stuff”. Youth automatically serves as a buffer. However, when you get older and become an adult, that distinction no longer exists so parents feel like they can now talk to you about “grown folks stuff” not realizing and appreciating that some “stuff” is still best kept to yourself. When I was married, The Ex actually did take my dad aside once and told him to quit using me to vent to because it was causing me a lot of stress and grief…. For once he stepped up as a husband and protected me from something. But now, I’m back on my own with nobody with the authority to be that buffer and stand up to my dad on my behalf. And it sucks.

I mean, what can I really say in these situations?? I shouldn’t be EXPECTED to say anything in these situations, in which case it’s just a dumping session. Rule #1 to venting…. Do not vent to interested parties, or else it becomes a dump, not a vent. And as the child of the two individuals involved, I’d pretty much say I’m an interested party. I could not IMAGINE saying the same things to my children about The Ex that I say to my BFFs--or even the blogosphere--when I vent. Because I know it would hurt them to hear those things about someone they still love, yet they can’t come to his defense because then it seems like they are taking sides. No matter how grown they get, that’s still “grown folks stuff”.

I just wish my dad afforded me the same consideration and would leave me out of it.........

*le sigh*

Labels: , , ,

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tell him... How else would he know not to do it...

Just my two cents...

September 7, 2009 at 11:57 PM  
Anonymous dude.relax. said...

The price we pay for growing up. I hear things from my parents a lot now (your mom is getting on my nerves, i swear i'm so sick of your dad). You know if you say something you're not taking sides. And really the only side you have to worry about is your own.

September 21, 2009 at 9:05 PM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home

Adventures in Divorce: Never grown enough for Grown Folks Stuff

Never grown enough for Grown Folks Stuff

As a parent, there are just some things that you don’t do when it comes to your kids. Whether your child is 3, 13 or 35, you just don’t put your child in the middle of your marital problems. That should be something you deal with between you and your spouse with as little involvement and input from your children as possible.

Apparently, my dad did not get that memo.

Yes, loved ones, for once I’m not talking about my own divorce here. And while my parents aren’t divorced, there are many times where I sure the hell wish they were just so I wouldn’t be subject to the boolsheet I was subject to last night.

The convo started out innocent enough…. My dad brought Daughter home and was telling me how they traded their timeshare in the Ozarks for some spot in Mexico and some cash…….

(First of all, this was upsetting enough. We’ve had that timeshare for almost 30 years and that was our family vacation every summer when I was growing up. I’d planned on FINALLY going back next year, so I was heartbroken to hear that they got rid of it.....)

Then he starts telling me WHY they got rid of it and how my mom threw a fit about it, which then led to more complaining, which then led him to asking me to step outside with him for a minute. My heart just sank because I knew what was coming. He starts telling me that he’s unhappy and she treats him like shit and how she’s always alienated him from his friends and family, and on and on and on and on with info that I really didn’t want or need to know. All I could do was stand there and look at the ground, saying nothing, and wait for him to finish. On the one hand I felt bad because I know he doesn’t have anyone to talk to, but then on the other I was angry because he doesn’t have anyone to talk to. Why does a 60 year old man who lives in his home town where all his family and friends live have NOBODY to vent to besides his 31 year old daughter?? But as he explained the history of their 35 year marriage for the umpteenth time I was reminded why, which then made me think about my own personal struggles with interpersonal relationships (including how their relationship was a HUGE deciding factor in my divorce decision), and overall just made me really angry that 1) my mother is the way she is, 2) my dad put up with it unchecked, and 3) I’m effed up because of it. My dad may have walked away feeling better for having gotten some things off his chest, but I felt (and still feel) like absolute crap. Now *I* am looking for somewhere to dump this shitty feeling…….

I think it’s easier to remember not to put your child in the middle of your relationship mess when they are young, because there’s that separation between “grown folks stuff” and “kid stuff”. Youth automatically serves as a buffer. However, when you get older and become an adult, that distinction no longer exists so parents feel like they can now talk to you about “grown folks stuff” not realizing and appreciating that some “stuff” is still best kept to yourself. When I was married, The Ex actually did take my dad aside once and told him to quit using me to vent to because it was causing me a lot of stress and grief…. For once he stepped up as a husband and protected me from something. But now, I’m back on my own with nobody with the authority to be that buffer and stand up to my dad on my behalf. And it sucks.

I mean, what can I really say in these situations?? I shouldn’t be EXPECTED to say anything in these situations, in which case it’s just a dumping session. Rule #1 to venting…. Do not vent to interested parties, or else it becomes a dump, not a vent. And as the child of the two individuals involved, I’d pretty much say I’m an interested party. I could not IMAGINE saying the same things to my children about The Ex that I say to my BFFs--or even the blogosphere--when I vent. Because I know it would hurt them to hear those things about someone they still love, yet they can’t come to his defense because then it seems like they are taking sides. No matter how grown they get, that’s still “grown folks stuff”.

I just wish my dad afforded me the same consideration and would leave me out of it.........

*le sigh*

Labels: , , ,