The C Word

I was reading a post on Finding My Way, another blog about divorce (I discovered she has a link to my site on her blog..... thank you, thank you). Something interesting she had to say:

"When I discovered in May 2005 that my spouse had cheated on me, I didn't respond like most wives would have. I felt immense relief that it was over. Adultery was not acceptable and therefore I could leave this marriage for what I considered a good reason. Not "we just don't get along" (although true) or "we just don't love each other anymore" (partly true but I don't think he ever really loved me). I could feel less guilt about the divorce's impact on my children, because I didn't leave the marriage, he left it when he cheated."

Relief..... that's the overwhelming feeling I had the night the Excrement Hit the Air Conditioning and the end of my marriage officially began. I finally had a concrete reason to get out, that one thing that people could point to and express in a sound bite to explain "what happened" when they sit around and gossip about why my Ex and I divorced, even though the notion that cheating automatically ends marriages is a fallacy.....most of the time, cheating is a symptom of an underlying problem, not the problem in and of itself. Well, I had underlying problems like CRAZY, the extent of which I'm still discovering, but none that were easily explained in 50 words or less, even assuming that they could be adequately explained at all.

However, I differ from my fellow divorcee blogger in that the cheating wasn't my Ex's doing.... it was mine. *GASP* (Yea, I know..... hate me if you wanna, but I'm human and it takes 2 to tango.) Well let me backtrack..... the situation was such that I thought my Ex was cheating, which triggered a big unfortunate "fuckit" moment. I found some very damming text messages on his phone between him and another female, but he swears nothing happened between them and it was just flirting (which I'm still not sure I believe..... when you text someone "I want to see you" that's usually not JUST flirting)..... even still, the fact that was going on in and of itself was a problem which caused me to flip the fuck out and leave for about a week to contemplate what the hell was going on with us. And not to go into any details, but that's when it happened. Basically. Yea. So anyway, he found out about it, there was a big ole scene when I was out with friends (the hearing in my right ear is still jacked up...... yea, it got ugly..... he hit me..... HARD). Even as I sat outside the club hiding around the corner, the overwhelming thought that was paramount amongst the hundreds of others was "It's over.... I'm free." There was an immense feeling of relief even amongst the fear and dread and shame. I even stayed at the spot and kicked it and had a really good time (might have been all the tequila my friends were buying to make me feel better). I just knew he wouldn't want me anymore after that and that there was now a "justification" for us splitting up aside from "we aren't getting along."

(*Sidenote: I feel the need to clarify that this was NOT planned..... I did not plan for my Ex to find out about my indiscretions AT ALL. I was even questioned as to whether I "used" my fellow adulterer as an excuse to get out of my marriage. Not. At. All. I felt absolutely terrible for all the things he had to endure in the fallout as well...... tho, it seems he's faring much better now than I am. Like I said.... cheating is not an automatic deal breaker for many people. But I will say that one should only gamble with what one is willing to lose..... when you go to Vegas, you don't intend to lose, but you should put yourself in a situation where you shouldn't be too terribly distraught if you do. Likewise, I knew my marriage had issues and apparently on some level I was willing to lose it....... didn't intend to, but by my very actions made that a possibility by default.)

It was unfortunate that I let it get to that point instead of dealing with our issues head on, which probably would have lead to the same result...... divorce..... but I would have avoided involving someone else's life in my quagmire. However, it just seemed that the other reasons just weren't "good enough" for divorcing.... it wasn't enough to overcome the "stay for the kids" argument. As the author stated above "we just don't get along" or "we just don't love each other anymore" didn't seem like a justifable reason.... it seemed whiny, selfish, and like I just wasn't trying hard enough. But cheating..... ah, yes, now THAT was a reason!! Nevermind that those same feelings and thoughts were the underlying reason for the act.... nevermind the thoughts and feelings and attitudes that cause you to reach out to another person for comfort and solace.......nevermind the obvious underlying loss and/or lack of respect....... it's the act itself that everyone focuses on as being the deal breaker. I'm here to say that this thought process if extremely flawed..... if a marriage is broken, it's broken, no matter how it manifests. As it turns out, cheating was NOT a deal breaker for my marriage.... my Ex was willing to forgive me and begged and begged for me to come back, but I knew that our issues went deeper than my infidelity and ultimately that is what I based my decision upon. So in the end (?) cheating became merely a wake up call, not a justification.

Who's to say what would have happened if I hadn't cheated..... I could still be married right now, but then again maybe not. I may have just been delaying the inevitable. I could be living the rest of my life unhappy like my parents. There's no point in speculating, really. What happened, happened. Some bad came out of it, but I must acknowledge that some good came out of it as well (in a chaos theory sort of way). I feel myself starting to ramble..... so much I want to say and can't..... won't..... shouldn't. So I'm not. Fin. Maybe I'll come back to this issue..... in fact, I'm sure I will.

(Oh, and if you are wondering why I would put myself out there like this and admit to cheating..... well, The Ex pretty much told anyone who would sit still in his presence long enough to listen, and he talks A LOT, so I've just come to accept it as common knowledge. It is what it is, loved ones.)