3 Month Rule

This is a repost from my friend Teej (TJ Armour), a dear friend and fellow blogger. You can check him out very Friday at the InCHICity Lifestyle Blog (you can also find a link in my blogroll) and also on his Blogger blog: It's How I Feel... You Don't Have to Necessarily Like It. Anyway, I was really feeling this post and wanted to share it with you, loved ones:

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You know how in the movie 'Love Jones' when Nina and Darius hit it off, then Nina's ex-fianceé, Marvin tries to come back in the picture? Marvin invites Nina to NY to see if there is truly anything left, and b/c she wanted to inquire about some job possibilities out there she contemplates going. Nina is concerned how this will go over with Darius and Josie recommends that she tell Darius and if he acts the fool that means she "has" him and there is no need to go to NY. However if he tries to play it cool Nina should go and teach "his ass a lesson."

*PAUSE*

(Yo I hate LOVE GAMES! I think we're too grown for that. It was cool in high school but not so much now. People just need to be direct and up front about shit yo. You start playing the love games and shit gets tricky. Use your budnippers people. Nip that shit in the bud, say what you mean, be open and direct and you will be just fine like Mary J.)

Anyways….once Nina decides to follow Josie's advice shit goes haywire and it takes them a year to get it back together! But that's not the point of this blog. And yes I realize that if you aren't familiar with the movie, then all those names and whatnot may confuse you and surely ruin it if you haven't gotten around to seeing it, but you know what? I DON'T CARE! It's one of the best movies EVER and your monkey ass shoulda seen it by now!

Moving along…..

The whole point of this blog is about starting a new relationship. I think it's granted that in between relationships you have "situations" with people that you deal with and all, right? They aren't quite your girl, but yall hang enough for there to be some sort of understanding. Not necessarily on a physical tip, but again there is a understanding. Then you find someone who you start to kick it with and before you know it you are thinking of that person as a possible mate. But what about ol girl that you "see" sometimes? Then there's that "weird period" usually at about the 6 week mark or so when you start thinking "Man things is getting real with Tasha, but how am I gonna shake Lisa?" Anyone feeling me?

And so ladies and gentlemen that's why I'm proposing a 3 month rule!

See with the 3 month rule it is understood that with any new person you begin to see, you have exactly 3 months to completely rid yourself of any "situation" that needs to be disposed of. The start date of the 3 month rule is retroactive to the first time you realized that you and the newbie may have something here. And again that realization usually comes at about the 6 week mark of you two kicking it, so in essence that literally leaves you 1 1/2 months to rid yourself of said "situations", but you know….different strokes for different folks so we'll leave it at 3 months.

After that…..you are just bullshitting and I advise you to stop wasting grown folks' time.

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Now for my commentary.......

This post address what I call that "limbo phase"..... where you are basically a couple for all intents and purposes and do all those couple things, but don't call yourself a "couple". It's like when I moved out of my parents' house when I was 18 and got my own apartment in MY name, and The Ex lived there EXCEPT for when the bills came due.... then he "lived at his momma's house" (GTFOHWTBS! But I was 18 and dumb, so whatever....moving on). It's essentially a way of trying to have it all.... you get all the benefits of a relationship with none of the obligations (ex. time requirements, requirement to cut off everyone else, being worried about the person's feelings, etc.). People want to keep holding on to those just-in-case-it-doesn't-work-out "situations" or try and make sure they don't miss out on the Next Best Thing, but by doing this you are pretty much ensuring that it won't work out. Self-fulfilling prophecy, my damies...... you hold back time and commitment and obligation, which will eventually kill any budding relationship because MFs get tired of waiting and getting used for the goods (and I'm talking about men AND women here).

I like Teej's suggestion of a time limit, and though I'm really not a fan of arbitrary rules, I feel what he's saying about not dragging the shyt on forever and ever. But even more so, I agree with his statement about just being up front with people about what you want and expect (not saying that I always am.... I'm working on it). I myself learned my lesson about this not too long ago when I had a "why didn't this go anywhere" convo with a friend of mine...... basically it was because we both assumed that the other was just enjoying singledom and wasn't ready for a relationship, and we adjusted our behaviors to reflect those assumptions about the other person, which only served to reinforce them. Eventually that aspect kind of fizzled out was put on hold indefinitely and we became "just friends." Neither one of us had the cajones to say "I like you, let's see if this could work" and instead just tried to be cool with each other ("be cool, be cool, don't fall for it..... ice cold"). Ah well...... c'est la vie. But that's what happens when you drag things on and on and nobody wants to make any forward movements for fear of shyt not working out.

At some point you have to take that leap of faith knowing that there's a possibility that you will hit the ground. Hard. But it's better than pussyfooting around in the name of "protecting your feelings" and "not settling" or "not wanting to miss out" and all those other excuses we use to cover up for the fact that we just want to keep having our cake and eating it, too. Again, I'm not saying that I'm not guilty of this as well, and perhaps Teej and I are being a little idealistic, but I know my life would be a helluva lot simpler if everyone did play by these rules.