Emotional Baggage Sundays - "Caution"

Time to get it out.....


It's been nice
Yes
Laughing times
Early morning love
Walks
Meaningful kissing
But I've been hurt before
The kind that can change a life
The kind that makes a body wary
And I must say that I am taking special care
Not to care so hard

While I am mostly open to love you
I prepare to let you go
So I will ask upfront
Before my stomach is knotted

Can I take my shoes off now?
Can I put them next to yours in the upstairs closet?
Can I relax my soles?
Hang up my winter coat?
Unpack my bag for more than the night?
Because
I like you
I really like you

~"Caution" by Jill Scott, The Moments, the Minutes, the Hours: The Poetry of Jill Scott

Unconventional bonding (ANTM style)

One of my (many) struggles as a divorced parent is finding ways to maintain a good relationship with my 14 year old son. As part of our custody "arrangement" (I can't even call it an agreement, because that would imply that The Ex and I are able to "agree", as in come to a consensus on the same point, which is next to impossible) my son stays with his dad because he his girlfriend lives closer to Son's high school and can get him back and forth to school easier (private school = no bus). Added to this is the fact that my son is at an age where it's hard for parents to connect with their kids anyway. Added further to this is the fact that I am only 15.7 years older than my son so I'm not as life battle tested as most parents with kids my age (and I'm admittedly a little weird). Thus, I have to make a constant conscious effort to try and maintain a connection with my son through these critical years.

So last night, how did I go about bonding with my son?? America's Next Top Model.

Yes, seems like an odd thing to bond with a high school freshman boy over, but just to clarify, I'm not putting Son on blast here..... we used to watch the show together and he would talk about it with the girls at school because he is so inherently pimptastic that he realized YOUNG that this was a way to command the girls' attention by being able to connect with them on their level and it showed that he was so uber confident with his masculinity that he could discuss such things and not think anything of it. My son's game is tighter than most grown men I come across..... it's scary.

Anyway, I called him at the end of the show and made him guess which contestant was really a man. Yes, Cycle 11 features a transgendered contestant.

(Who's the man??)

So we sat on the phone for about 15 minutes watching the elimination, laughing and joking as he squealed at me "Thanks mom for making me feel gay!" when he was finally able to figure out which one it was (he also said that now he had something to talk about at school in the morning). It wasn't a long, deep conversation where I stressed to him how much I love him and will always love him and I miss him and all that stuff. It was just something lighthearted that we once had in common that I seized upon to use to keep a foothold in his life and not just be an every-other-weekend mom. And I may not be the most conventional mother in the world, but I work with what I've got and I think my kids love and appreciate me anyway.

Oh, and in case you're not an ANTM fan (which I myself have kind of fallen off the past few cycles), here's the transgendered chick:

Coulda fooled me forever and ever with this one.....

You Snooze, You Lose (more advice from Aesop)

The Tortoise and the Hare

A Hare was one day making fun of a Tortoise for being so slow upon his feet. "Wait a bit," said the Tortoise; "I'll run a race with you, and I'll wager that I win."

"Oh, well," replied the Hare, who was much amused at the idea, "let's try and see"; and it was soon agreed that the fox should set a course for them, and be the judge. When the time came both started off together, but the Hare was soon so far ahead that he thought he might as well have a rest: so down he lay and fell fast asleep. Meanwhile the Tortoise kept plodding on, and in time reached the goal. At last the Hare woke up with a start, and dashed on at his fastest, but only to find that the Tortoise had already won the race.

Slow and steady wins.

*********

Scratch that......to me, the moral of this story is "don't sleep on your competitors." Funny how competition makes people step up, and often times only after it's too late.

So let me explain what hares and tortoises have to do with dating. I had been "talking" to a few guys over the past year or so, but nothing was ever coming of any of the situations, which is fine and good since I was just going with the flow of life and taking things as they came along.... no rush. But it seemed like it was all a matter of convenience as to whether they could get to me and I didn't feel like I was much of a priority.....at least, not as much of a priority status as I feel I need and deserve. Yes, I know, people have lives. I get that quite clearly. But people MAKE time for what's important......as a mother of 2 kids who went to law school and practiced law in a big firm, I know this is true and nobody can tell me otherwise. Anyway, I just got to the point where I started to analyze things and got tired of all the juggling and getting in where I fit in and feeling like I was just chillin' on guys' benches.

I've never been the type to pit people against each other and instigate competition..... that's just not my style because I know personally I probably would be like "Oh really? Good luck with that......I'm out. Peace." because I'm not into jumping through hoops and playing female vs. female games (I think some people are entertained by the battle, like watching dog fighting or something.... go stroke your ego somewhere and with someone else). However, once I started implying/indicating that there was 1 guy in particular that I was spending my time with (combined with the fact that I started going ghost with everyone else), there was a sudden flurry of activity and expressed sentiments that were previously unexpressed. One guy who I wouldn't ever hear from except for the occasional "Yo, whatssup" text (i.e. The Booty Call text) all the sudden started inviting me to lunch and talking like he was actually interested in me as a human being. Another guy who I'd known for awhile and had given my number to and told to call me (and only called once) all the sudden wanted to be disappointed when he heard that someone else was commanding my attention these days. It was just like the hare waking up and realizing that the tortoise got way ahead of him while he was napping. Too. Late.

So, for all the hares out there.....sorry fo ya. You snooze, you lose. If there's a woman you are interested in, don't sit back on your laurels and play stupid hard to get games or try and be ice cold like Andre 3000. And don't let your cockiness or self-perceived swag make you lazy.... you may THINK that she's waiting around for you to make a move, but others are making moves at the same time you're NOT. Chances are if you're interested, someone else is as well. I don't know what y'all are waiting on or holding out for, but don't be surprised when you look up and the race is about to be won.

Close Encounters

Yesterday afternoon was quite the milestone for me in my new single/divorcee life.... it was the day where old met new, where The Ex met the New Boo. *cue dramatical music* Now mind you, I've been in the presence of The Ex's new woman countless times, even had her daughter spend the night at my place with my daughter one weekend, but The Ex had made it clear that he wasn't prepared to meet anyone I was dating (despite the fact that he's moved in with another woman and has my children over there living in her home). And boy, he sure wasn't lying....

The Scene: Son's freshman football game. They were actually playing a team close to where I live, so I thought I would invite New Boo to come out to the game to see my baby do his thang on the football field (cuz I'm a proud mommy and want everyone to see):

(See? That's my baby running)

So I figured he could come by after work. I knew The Ex was going to be there, but what I didn't factor in was that, since it was so close to "home" a whole slew of other people were going to be there, including my mother, The Ex's mother, and our old neighbor who The Ex is BFFs with. I know that Meeting The Parents is usually a big huge deal, but nothing in my family is ever a big huge deal, so whatever. New Boo meets Mom, standard pleasantries and convo exchanged, all that good stuff. Then The Ex comes walking up the bleachers and stops to introduce himself to New Boo (who was looking *extra* clean in a chocolate brown suit straight from the J-O-B....mmmmm)......

Ex: Hi, I'm [The Ex].... nice to meet you.
(grips up New Boo entirely way too tight, as if trying to prove a point which was NOT taken.... he also uses his "man voice" which is not his normal tone, kind of like when my son talks to a girl on the phone)

New Boo: I'm ________________.

Ex: [repeats name incorrectly several times, stutters]

New Boo: [enunciates name correctly]

Ex: [spells out name] I want to make sure I got that right.

Me: *gives The Ex the www.WTF.com look*

Ex: I just like to know whose around my children.
(exits to top of bleachers)

The encounter was quite ridiculous and a whole lot of bitchassed extra..... with his wannabe "I got my eye on you" attitude, like he was going to do some extensive background search on him or have him tailed in an unmarked white utility van or something. He probably won't even remember his name after that bumbling exchange. I was PISSED, but I did a few "woo-sahs" and watched the rest of the game. The Ex was oddly quiet the entire game..... usually he's up there hollering like a fool at our Son (to the point where other parents look at him crazy and start mumbling to each other about feeling sorry for whoever's kid that is) and I didn't hear a peep. Sometime during the 4th quarter, The Ex gets up and leaves to the other side of the stadium, leaving his BFF AND his momma sitting in the stands alone. I had to stop him to give him Son's notebook that he'd left at my place and it took me a few tries to get him to understand what I was giving him and that he needed to give it to Son. The ninja was quite obviously shook.

On the way home I get an "I need to talk to you" phone call from The Ex:

Ex: Look, I need to talk to you about something serious. When I introduced the kids to the person I was dating I told you about it, and I wish you would give me the same courtesy.

Me: Um, I did.

Ex: No you didn't.

Me: Yes I did, a long time ago I told you the kids met __________.
(in fact, we'd had a convo several weeks earlier discussing trading weekends and whether to just change up the schedule and make a permanent change, at which time I mentioned that New Boo and I have our kids on alternating weekends and it would've been nice to be on the same schedule, but not a big deal..... the man obviously has such his own agenda going on in his head that he doesn't listen. I also think he's just fugged up from the divorce and his brain hasn't worked right since.)

Ex: He met [Son] and [Daughter]?

Me: Yes, briefly.
(we weren't really spending a whole lot of time around each other's kids because I like to keep my personal life and my "mommy" life separate, plus that's what the Children Cope with Divorce class recommended, which I paid attention to and The Ex obviously DIDN'T.)

Ex: What did [Son] say??

Me: He just mean mugged him like he mean mugs everyone.*
(*this is the only guy I've dated that my son has met, but he's met other friends of mine and always mean mugs anyone whom he suspects may have an interest in his mother... that's just the nature of a teenage son)

Ex: Well I knew you said you were seeing your neighbor, but you didn't tell me....

Me: *cuts Ex off* Look, you wouldn't even tell me where my kids were living when you had them living up in some other woman's house and you wouldn't tell me her full name, so you can shut up with all that. Also, wash [Son's] uniform.... he was filthy out there and looked terrible. *CLICK*

GTFOHWTBS!!! This man has obviously moved on, playing house with another woman, assuming the whole step-daddy role taking her daughter everywhere, telling me he's gonna get remarried in the next 6 months, so why all this extra when it comes to me taking things one step at a time?? The answer is obvious, but the stupidity and the bitchassedness never cease to amaze me. I'm anticipating the rest of the fall out from this, and I'm just WAITING to hit him with the below the belt blow when he says something crazy. *rubs hands like Mr. Burns*

(I just wonder how The Ex explained his jacked up mood when he got home..... wish I could've been a fly on the wall for that one. She's an idiot if she consoled him over that one and obviously will put up with anything just to have a man..... I'd be damned if my dude comes home fugged up in the head over some other chick and who she's seeing now.)

Ah well.... just another Adventure in Divorce I guess. At least it gave something for me and New Boo to laugh about.

Sometimes others say it best

I just started reading a new book, "The Corrections" by Jonathan Franzen. I was not even 2 pages into the book when I had to stop and read this paragraph twice because it so beautifully and accurately describes how my mood has felt over these past several months:

Ringing throughout the house was an alarm bell that no one but Alfred and Enid could hear directly. It was the alarm bell of anxiety. It was like one of those big cast-iron dishes with an electric clapper that send schoolchildren into the street in fire drills. By now it had been ringing for so many hours that the Lamberts no longer heard the message of "bell ringing" but, as with any sound that continues for so long that you have the leisure to learn its component sounds (as with any word you stare at until it resolves itself into a string of dead letters), instead heard a clapper rapidly striking a metallic resonator, not a pure tone but a granular sequence of percussions with a keening overlay of overtones; ringing for so many days that it simply blended into the background except at certain early-morning hours when one or the other of them awoke in a sweat and realized that a bell had been ringing in their heads for so long as they could remember; ringing for so many months that the sound had given way to a kind of metasound whose rise and fall was not the beating of compression waves but the much, much slower waxing and waning of their consciousness of the sound. Which consciousness was particularly acute when the weather itself was in an anxious mood. Then Enid and Alfred -- she on her knees in the dining room opening drawers, he in the basement surveying the disastrous Ping-Pong table -- each felt near to exploding with anxiety.

That is exactly how I've felt down to my core..... anxiety and stress whose presence is just so pervasive that it has ceased to be noticeable on a conscious level, but then suddenly and acutely makes itself painfully apparent from time to time. It's the constant fatigue, the body ache, the restlessness that I push to the side in order to go on about my everyday life, primarily motivated by my attempt to hold it together at least for my kids. If I stop to notice it or think about it, then it becomes like that bell..... I can feel all of its components and it threatens to overwhelm me and drown out everything else in life.

Anyway, I don't want to dwell.... keep that in the background and not let it come to the foreground. I just thought that was a really good bit of writing, and I can't wait to really delve into the rest of the book.

Sock Dreams

Main Entry: fe·tish
Function: noun
Etymology: French & Portuguese; French fétiche, from Portuguese feitiço, from feitiço artificial, false, from Latin facticius factitious

1. an object of irrational reverence or obsessive devotion : prepossession
2. an object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression.

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I have, in the truest sense of the word, a hosiery fetish. I. Love. Socks. And thigh highs. And tights. And garters. (not so much pantyhose) Fishnets, argyle, striped, patterned, crazy opaque colors..... I love 'em all. This goes for both men's and women's hosiery. With fall just around the corner, I admittedly tortured myself and went to Target today to peep the new hosiery that they have in stock (and that a fellow sock-phile texted me about the other morning). I was in luuuuuuv!! I hope nobody saw me gently caressing the thigh high socks that they have new this year (before they just had over the knee) and that I must have. Never mind that I have no clue what to wear with these beauties..... but hell, I'll build my outfits around them.

Anyway, here's a taste of what tickles my fancy from Sockdreams.com........

And of course, you MUST have garters to keep these bad boys up..... I have a regular lace garter (which I will not display here) but I am in need of one of these:


That's right..... an industrial strength elastic garter to hold up those thigh high socks, one that can adequately withstand the power of my derriere (which is much rounder than that of the woman in the picture).

But alas, funding my fetish is not in the budget right now..... so for now, a girl will just have to dream.

3 Month Rule

This is a repost from my friend Teej (TJ Armour), a dear friend and fellow blogger. You can check him out very Friday at the InCHICity Lifestyle Blog (you can also find a link in my blogroll) and also on his Blogger blog: It's How I Feel... You Don't Have to Necessarily Like It. Anyway, I was really feeling this post and wanted to share it with you, loved ones:

*************

You know how in the movie 'Love Jones' when Nina and Darius hit it off, then Nina's ex-fianceé, Marvin tries to come back in the picture? Marvin invites Nina to NY to see if there is truly anything left, and b/c she wanted to inquire about some job possibilities out there she contemplates going. Nina is concerned how this will go over with Darius and Josie recommends that she tell Darius and if he acts the fool that means she "has" him and there is no need to go to NY. However if he tries to play it cool Nina should go and teach "his ass a lesson."

*PAUSE*

(Yo I hate LOVE GAMES! I think we're too grown for that. It was cool in high school but not so much now. People just need to be direct and up front about shit yo. You start playing the love games and shit gets tricky. Use your budnippers people. Nip that shit in the bud, say what you mean, be open and direct and you will be just fine like Mary J.)

Anyways….once Nina decides to follow Josie's advice shit goes haywire and it takes them a year to get it back together! But that's not the point of this blog. And yes I realize that if you aren't familiar with the movie, then all those names and whatnot may confuse you and surely ruin it if you haven't gotten around to seeing it, but you know what? I DON'T CARE! It's one of the best movies EVER and your monkey ass shoulda seen it by now!

Moving along…..

The whole point of this blog is about starting a new relationship. I think it's granted that in between relationships you have "situations" with people that you deal with and all, right? They aren't quite your girl, but yall hang enough for there to be some sort of understanding. Not necessarily on a physical tip, but again there is a understanding. Then you find someone who you start to kick it with and before you know it you are thinking of that person as a possible mate. But what about ol girl that you "see" sometimes? Then there's that "weird period" usually at about the 6 week mark or so when you start thinking "Man things is getting real with Tasha, but how am I gonna shake Lisa?" Anyone feeling me?

And so ladies and gentlemen that's why I'm proposing a 3 month rule!

See with the 3 month rule it is understood that with any new person you begin to see, you have exactly 3 months to completely rid yourself of any "situation" that needs to be disposed of. The start date of the 3 month rule is retroactive to the first time you realized that you and the newbie may have something here. And again that realization usually comes at about the 6 week mark of you two kicking it, so in essence that literally leaves you 1 1/2 months to rid yourself of said "situations", but you know….different strokes for different folks so we'll leave it at 3 months.

After that…..you are just bullshitting and I advise you to stop wasting grown folks' time.

*********

Now for my commentary.......

This post address what I call that "limbo phase"..... where you are basically a couple for all intents and purposes and do all those couple things, but don't call yourself a "couple". It's like when I moved out of my parents' house when I was 18 and got my own apartment in MY name, and The Ex lived there EXCEPT for when the bills came due.... then he "lived at his momma's house" (GTFOHWTBS! But I was 18 and dumb, so whatever....moving on). It's essentially a way of trying to have it all.... you get all the benefits of a relationship with none of the obligations (ex. time requirements, requirement to cut off everyone else, being worried about the person's feelings, etc.). People want to keep holding on to those just-in-case-it-doesn't-work-out "situations" or try and make sure they don't miss out on the Next Best Thing, but by doing this you are pretty much ensuring that it won't work out. Self-fulfilling prophecy, my damies...... you hold back time and commitment and obligation, which will eventually kill any budding relationship because MFs get tired of waiting and getting used for the goods (and I'm talking about men AND women here).

I like Teej's suggestion of a time limit, and though I'm really not a fan of arbitrary rules, I feel what he's saying about not dragging the shyt on forever and ever. But even more so, I agree with his statement about just being up front with people about what you want and expect (not saying that I always am.... I'm working on it). I myself learned my lesson about this not too long ago when I had a "why didn't this go anywhere" convo with a friend of mine...... basically it was because we both assumed that the other was just enjoying singledom and wasn't ready for a relationship, and we adjusted our behaviors to reflect those assumptions about the other person, which only served to reinforce them. Eventually that aspect kind of fizzled out was put on hold indefinitely and we became "just friends." Neither one of us had the cajones to say "I like you, let's see if this could work" and instead just tried to be cool with each other ("be cool, be cool, don't fall for it..... ice cold"). Ah well...... c'est la vie. But that's what happens when you drag things on and on and nobody wants to make any forward movements for fear of shyt not working out.

At some point you have to take that leap of faith knowing that there's a possibility that you will hit the ground. Hard. But it's better than pussyfooting around in the name of "protecting your feelings" and "not settling" or "not wanting to miss out" and all those other excuses we use to cover up for the fact that we just want to keep having our cake and eating it, too. Again, I'm not saying that I'm not guilty of this as well, and perhaps Teej and I are being a little idealistic, but I know my life would be a helluva lot simpler if everyone did play by these rules.

Emotional Baggage Sundays, Part Deux - Waiting.....

Sometimes I feel the need to backtrack and explain some of my cryptic, ambiguous posts (usually appearing on Emotional Baggage Sundays) so that folk don't get the wrong idea about who or what I'm talking about, which is really the whole point of being ambiguous......

Anyway, "All I Gotta Do" is a poem about patience and waiting. This poem spoke to me this week for a number of reasons, not just one particular situation going on in my life right now ("baggage" usually doesn't just contain one thing). Generally though, I'm just waiting on things to change, to get better. I'm waiting on a break from this stress, this uncertainty that is dogging my career path. I'm waiting on some relief from this financial strain (though they assure me the "check is in the mail"), waiting on the calls to stop, waiting until I can go back to my normal lifestyle (albeit with a few adjustments). I'm waiting until I can fully get adjusted to being divorced, waiting until I don't let him get to me anymore with his hurtful words and hit and miss willingness to cooperate. I'm waiting for a break from the confusion and uncertainty in my dating life, waiting until things transfer from limbo to more solid ground. I'm waiting for heartache over what simultaneously was yet never could be to subside, waiting for full,radical acceptance of What Is. Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting.......

But I still have faith that this waiting is not in vain, that the answers will come to me, that I will finally get my break. Because I'm a woman, and that's what we are good at.... patience, holding it together, holding things down in the meantime in between time. Even still, though, it doesn't make the pain of the wait go away.

Emotional Baggage Sundays - "All I Gotta Do"

Once again it's on......

all i gotta do
is sit and wait
sit and wait
and it's gonna find
me
all i gotta do
is sit and wait
if i can learn how


what i need to do
is sit and wait
cause i'm a woman
sit and wait
what i gotta do
is sit and wait
cause i'm a woman
it'll find me


you get yours
and i'll get mine
if i learn
to sit and wait
you got yours
i want mine
and i'm gonna get it
cause i gotta get it
cause i need to get it
if i learn how


thought about calling
for it on the phone
asked for a delivery
but they didn't have it
thought about going
to the store to get it
walked to the corner
but they didn't have it


called your name
in my sleep
sitting and waiting
thought you would awake me
called your name
lying in my bed
but you didn't have it
offered to go get it
but you didn't have it
so i'm sitting


all i know
is sitting and waiting
waiting and sitting
cause i'm a woman
all i know
is sitting and waiting
cause i gotta wait
wait for it to find
me

~All I Gotta Do by Nikki Giovanni

Supportive parenting (a RANT)

(WARNING: This is a pure, unadulterated rant. I'm not responsible for my language.....)

This evening is the Cathedral vs. Bishop Chatard varsity football game. Although it's not as sensational as the Cathedral vs. Carmel game that was aired on ESPN a few weeks ago, Chatard is still their arch rival so this is a big game for us. And although my Son is a freshman and is not on the varsity team (yet), I still am proud that he's a Fighting Irish, and whenever I'm proud of something or someone I tend to go all out. I love watching football when I have a personal interest in the players, whether directly or indirectly. I pull out the spirit wear, stand up and cheer, yell at the refs for bad calls, the whole 9. No passive spectating here.

So yesterday I called The Ex to let him know that I'd be at the game and that I could just bring Daughter to him there. He tells me oh that's great, but he wishes I would have told him earlier (mind you, I'm calling him the day before, not 2 hours before) because he assumed that I wasn't going to the game because he didn't think that was "my thing". I reminded him that this IS my first born child's high school, not to mention that my son is one of the captains of the freshman football team, and as such I need to show my support. Then I slightly clicked on him and told him that I'm not this unsupportive, slacker parent that he's made me out to be in his mind and to anyone else who will listen (again going back to hateration, to justify why he's "better off"). No, no no, he says, he wasn't trying to say all that (GTFOHWTBS!). Then he tells me that his new momma girlfriend and her daughter already had tickets but had given his away (I guess HE was going to something else), but he'd get another.

(ok, here it comes..... )

Why in the FUCK would you assume that I would not want to go to my OWN son's high school's football game, the son that I birthed at 15 and struggled to mold into a decent human being while I was still trying to figure out how to become one myself, when this woman who has know my child for all of 6 months is going??? And then why question me about not going, when you YOURSELF hadn't planned on going??? What kind of stupid fucked up logic is that?? I'll tell you what kind..... it's the sour grapes kind that has been so deeply ingrained in his mind that he believes his own bullshit down to the core to say dumb shit off the cuff like that without even thinking about it for 0.2 seconds.

One of his "complaints" about me when we were trying to sort through our issues during the separation was that he said I wasn't "family oriented" enough because I complained about going to all the sports events that my son was involved in (mostly AAU basketball), and he tells me that he found someone better who is more into that sort of thing. NO, this is what I complained about..... I complained about going to game after game after game multiple times a week and sitting there BY MY DAMN SELF while this ass clown spent the entire time talking to his friends, even to the point where I would be sitting in the bleachers and he would be up on the balcony that overlooks the basketball courts (for anyone familiar with the setup of ISSA). I got tired of being there trying to spend "family time" together and trying to talk to him about my day and he'd cut me off mid sentence or completely ignore me to talk to his buddies sitting there. I got tired of getting blown off whenever I would try and tell him that this bothered me. THAT is what my issue was, so yea, it got to the point where I got sick of going to the games to watch my son ride the bench (basketball was really never his thing, as hard as he tried) and then get completely ignored by my husband.

This is something that burns me up to no end (obviously), his painting the "bad parent" image of me. I was working a job at a fucking LAW FIRM, so no, I couldn't be around as much as he was with his 9 to 5 social work job. But all the sudden that shyt gets flipped on me and I'm the neglectful parent, even going so far as to tell me (and others) that he essentially raised those kids on his own. He wasn't saying that shit when this "neglectful parent's" income was paying for hundreds upon thousands of dollars in basketball clinics, admission fees, team fees, shoes, trips out of state, gymnastics classes, cheerleading fees, uniform costs, and everything else that was necessary to our kids' extracurricular activities. And when I complained about just wanting some time with him at those events, all the sudden it was "You don't want to be there." And yea, I'm not the stereotypical, yay rah suburban mom..... I'm fucking 30 years old with a 14 year old for fuck sake. Most women my age with kids still have them riding on thier hip. But I think I've done a pretty damn good job working with what I've got, and I for DAMN sure could be doing a helluva lot worse.

I really wanted to go completely ballistic on him for his comments yesterday, but I just let it go.... it would have been an exercise in futility, and I just wanted to stick to my policy of keeping our convos short, simple and civil. I know he says and does these things to justify his own situation that he's found himself in, but it still pisses me the fuck off. So yes, even though it is raining, and my child is not playing, and gas is $3.85, and I've just spent the past 14 hours with my locs in rollers which will instantly melt in the rain and humidity..... I'm going, dammit. Let's see if his old permed out woman will be out there doing the same.

Fin. Rant over.

Vintage Hateration

Vintage Hateration - the fox and the grapes

Aesop's Fable: The Fox and the Grapes

One hot summer's day a Fox was strolling through an orchard till he came to a bunch of grapes just ripening on a vine which had been trained over a lofty branch.

"Just the thing to quench my thirst," said he. Drawing back a few paces, he took a run and a jump, and just missed the bunch.

Turning round again with a One, Two, Three, he jumped up, but with no greater success. Again and again he tried after the tempting morsel, but at last had to give it up, and walked away with his nose in the air, saying: "I am sure they are sour."

It is easy to despise what you cannot get.

************

I had to pull out a reference to this little tale and slap my Ex upside the head with it a few weeks ago (which was an incredibly apt and clever jab because the comments giving rise to it came from a conversation about my dating methodologies, and I'd told him about a guy I've been seeing who has an uncannily similar name to the aformentioned story..... conversation ended right then and there). He always says the meanest, most hateful things to and about me, making me out to be the worst person in the world and acting like he's way better off and happier without me (the looks on his face say otherwise, though). I know this is a common coping mechanism (foxes have been doing it for centuries, after all), but damn..... he really takes it too far, almost to a child-like level. He tells me and everyone else, including his new woman, that he still loves me, so then to turn around and treat me the way he does?? GTFOHWTBS!!* It's transparent hateration, which is never a good look...... not for foxes, and certainly not for people.

*Getthefuckouttaherewiththatbullshit

"I play my (fr)enemies like a game of chess....."

Frenemy.

1. A person who does not treat a friend as friend but more like a enemy.
2. A "friend" who really doesn't like you, nor you like she, yet you are drawn together by some sick dramatic bond.
3. An enemy disguised as a friend.

"What do you think about frenemies?"
"I say, keep your friends close, and your frenemies closer"

During the course of my separation and divorce, I've discovered that many of my so-called friends are not friends at all, but rather frenemies. These are the individuals who are often the most concerned, the most sympathetic, the most willing to be that shoulder to cry on. In reality, though, they are using your pain and turmoil for their own sick amusement, like their own personal reality TV show, and/or so they can be "in the know" and have the most information so they can run back to their circles and have the best "scoop" on your situation, thus increasing their own status amongst their peers (and often yours).

You can detect a friend's frenemy status in a number of ways:

1. You and the person weren't really that close before your personal drama, but then all the sudden they are offering you their phone numbers, e-mail addresses, instant message usernames, MySpace profile names, and inviting you over to their house, telling you to contact them ANYTIME you need to talk.

2. Amongst your group of friends, they are constantly gossiping about the one person who is not present at any given time. Also, they often start conversations with "Have you heard what happened to so-and-so??" Chances are they are talking about you when you are not around, too.

3. The question to listening ratio is disproportionate, and the questions are about details that really aren't critical to what you are talking about. Asking questions is usually a sign that a person is truly interested and concerned and wants to have the most information so that they can help you out the best. Not so with frenemies..... they want the most information so that they are the most "in the know".

The Ex is completely oblivious to the concept of frenemies and will blather on to anyone who will listen every single detail of our relationship, from our first meeting in the high school cafeteria freshman year til the last conversation we had on Monday. (I basically had the woman in the loan department of our credit union repeat back to me my life story on the phone once.) And much to my dismay, the person he chose to confide in and cry to during our divorce is a mutal friend of ours who is one of the most open people in the city (i.e. he tells all his own business so has NO problem telling yours) AND, on top of that, knows damn near everyone in the city, AND has no problem embelishing facts when not enough are provided. *holds head in hands* I tried to tell The Ex that this was not the best idea in the world, and that maybe he should just call a relative (which he was doing as well...... I paid the $1600 cell phone bill to prove it), but he just could not stop calling this man and going to his house and hanging out over drinks crying to him. I count this person amongst my friends, but I also recognize that in this respect, he has frenemy tendencies.

One interesting and unfortunate side effect of confiding in frenemies is that the information starts to flow both ways, and not in a good way. I was constantly getting upset calls from The Ex talking about so-and-so saw me out somewhere with this person doing XYZ, or they heard this or that about me and what I've been doing, and 95% of it was complete speculative inaccurate bullshit. I would just laugh at him, tell him to quit being stupid enough to entertain these fools, and that he needs to find better sources. Frenemies want to seem like they are contributing something to their parasitic relationship, so they come back with this "information" to share like some cat bringing you a dead, mangled bird as thanks for feeding it Fancy Feast every day. Don't fall for it.

In order to compesate for the flood of information that I knew was flowing through the streets like Lake Pontchartrain after Hurricane Katrina, I basically dropped off the face of the Earth for awhile (and really still haven't gotten myself back on). I quit going to functions, quit my involvement in professional organizations, and only hung out in places and with people with no ties to my former life. I basically decided to lay low for awhile. I also adopted a rote answer for when people would ask me about "what happened?" when it came to my divorce: "We just grew apart." I didn't volunteer information or try to put my side of things out there. Whatever people were going to say, they were going to say and there was nothing I could do about it. Trying to state my case would just add more fuel to the fire, so I decided to just let it die out on its own.

However, I wasn't totally passive when it came to these types of frenemies. Sometimes I would share info knowing it was going to get back to a certain person, and therefore would put the spin on it that I wanted (in true lawyer fashion). Thus, I was able to use my frenemies by being cognizant of their nature, and use this to my advantage instead of my detriment by not falling for their false concern. As Lauryn sez, "I play my enemies like a game of chess......."

So, if you are going through a divorce (or any type of major personal drama), be careful about who you let into your life and what you say to these people. That person who tries hardest to be there for you may be the worst person for you.

"Make you wanna lick the (w)rapperrrrrrr......"

(*WARNING: Come back to this post if you are at work, around children, or are just a prude)

I just had to post this gem. Alexyss Tylor is a certified nut, but she speaks Truth:



(back in my younger days, I used to keep a blowpop on me at all times. I know.... just nasty. LOL! But hey, just because you're married doesn't mean you can't be a freak..... in fact, you SHOULD be. Great way to build excitement and anticipation when you're out together. That advice is free, BTW.)

And if you haven't seen her other videos, I HIGHLY recommend them..... I guarantee you will be crying with laughter.

(thanks to Single Black Male for inspiring this..... now my brain is going to be in the gutter all day)

Introducing.... Twitter!

I have a tendency to be incredibly random. I used to get daily randomness out of my system by means of texting my 2 BFFs, but when 1 moved to London we couldn't text our random thoughts to each other anymore. I also maintain an unrelated MySpace blog that I would use to deposit my random thoughts of the day (I'd just keep an e-mail window open all day at work and when weird shit would come to me, I'd write it down), kind of like a pensieve from Harry Potter. It is just a way to get the randomness out of my head so it doesn't get cluttered in there. However, since I don't sit at a desk all day anymore, it's even been hard to keep up with that.

Then I discovered Twitter.

At first I didn't get the point.... who would go to that site JUST to read random ass thoughts? (answer: The same hundreds of people who faithfully read my random ass thoughts on MySpace) Then I realized you could post the feeds on OTHER sites (like, say, my blog(s)), and then I had a moment when I was driving home from a wasted Djarum Black run to the downtown Puff 'n Chew (a drive through tobacco shop that's incredibly hood/white trash, but has the best prices in the city.... AND I don't even have to get out of my car) after my dumb ass realized I left my wallet at home, and was like "damn I need to put this in a blog" but didn't have a blog handy......... Eureka! In comes Twitter.

So as an added bonus, I've added a Twitter feed to the blog. Read it if you want to, follow it if you want to, but it's more for my own mental health than anything. Enjoy.

The C Word

I was reading a post on Finding My Way, another blog about divorce (I discovered she has a link to my site on her blog..... thank you, thank you). Something interesting she had to say:

"When I discovered in May 2005 that my spouse had cheated on me, I didn't respond like most wives would have. I felt immense relief that it was over. Adultery was not acceptable and therefore I could leave this marriage for what I considered a good reason. Not "we just don't get along" (although true) or "we just don't love each other anymore" (partly true but I don't think he ever really loved me). I could feel less guilt about the divorce's impact on my children, because I didn't leave the marriage, he left it when he cheated."

Relief..... that's the overwhelming feeling I had the night the Excrement Hit the Air Conditioning and the end of my marriage officially began. I finally had a concrete reason to get out, that one thing that people could point to and express in a sound bite to explain "what happened" when they sit around and gossip about why my Ex and I divorced, even though the notion that cheating automatically ends marriages is a fallacy.....most of the time, cheating is a symptom of an underlying problem, not the problem in and of itself. Well, I had underlying problems like CRAZY, the extent of which I'm still discovering, but none that were easily explained in 50 words or less, even assuming that they could be adequately explained at all.

However, I differ from my fellow divorcee blogger in that the cheating wasn't my Ex's doing.... it was mine. *GASP* (Yea, I know..... hate me if you wanna, but I'm human and it takes 2 to tango.) Well let me backtrack..... the situation was such that I thought my Ex was cheating, which triggered a big unfortunate "fuckit" moment. I found some very damming text messages on his phone between him and another female, but he swears nothing happened between them and it was just flirting (which I'm still not sure I believe..... when you text someone "I want to see you" that's usually not JUST flirting)..... even still, the fact that was going on in and of itself was a problem which caused me to flip the fuck out and leave for about a week to contemplate what the hell was going on with us. And not to go into any details, but that's when it happened. Basically. Yea. So anyway, he found out about it, there was a big ole scene when I was out with friends (the hearing in my right ear is still jacked up...... yea, it got ugly..... he hit me..... HARD). Even as I sat outside the club hiding around the corner, the overwhelming thought that was paramount amongst the hundreds of others was "It's over.... I'm free." There was an immense feeling of relief even amongst the fear and dread and shame. I even stayed at the spot and kicked it and had a really good time (might have been all the tequila my friends were buying to make me feel better). I just knew he wouldn't want me anymore after that and that there was now a "justification" for us splitting up aside from "we aren't getting along."

(*Sidenote: I feel the need to clarify that this was NOT planned..... I did not plan for my Ex to find out about my indiscretions AT ALL. I was even questioned as to whether I "used" my fellow adulterer as an excuse to get out of my marriage. Not. At. All. I felt absolutely terrible for all the things he had to endure in the fallout as well...... tho, it seems he's faring much better now than I am. Like I said.... cheating is not an automatic deal breaker for many people. But I will say that one should only gamble with what one is willing to lose..... when you go to Vegas, you don't intend to lose, but you should put yourself in a situation where you shouldn't be too terribly distraught if you do. Likewise, I knew my marriage had issues and apparently on some level I was willing to lose it....... didn't intend to, but by my very actions made that a possibility by default.)

It was unfortunate that I let it get to that point instead of dealing with our issues head on, which probably would have lead to the same result...... divorce..... but I would have avoided involving someone else's life in my quagmire. However, it just seemed that the other reasons just weren't "good enough" for divorcing.... it wasn't enough to overcome the "stay for the kids" argument. As the author stated above "we just don't get along" or "we just don't love each other anymore" didn't seem like a justifable reason.... it seemed whiny, selfish, and like I just wasn't trying hard enough. But cheating..... ah, yes, now THAT was a reason!! Nevermind that those same feelings and thoughts were the underlying reason for the act.... nevermind the thoughts and feelings and attitudes that cause you to reach out to another person for comfort and solace.......nevermind the obvious underlying loss and/or lack of respect....... it's the act itself that everyone focuses on as being the deal breaker. I'm here to say that this thought process if extremely flawed..... if a marriage is broken, it's broken, no matter how it manifests. As it turns out, cheating was NOT a deal breaker for my marriage.... my Ex was willing to forgive me and begged and begged for me to come back, but I knew that our issues went deeper than my infidelity and ultimately that is what I based my decision upon. So in the end (?) cheating became merely a wake up call, not a justification.

Who's to say what would have happened if I hadn't cheated..... I could still be married right now, but then again maybe not. I may have just been delaying the inevitable. I could be living the rest of my life unhappy like my parents. There's no point in speculating, really. What happened, happened. Some bad came out of it, but I must acknowledge that some good came out of it as well (in a chaos theory sort of way). I feel myself starting to ramble..... so much I want to say and can't..... won't..... shouldn't. So I'm not. Fin. Maybe I'll come back to this issue..... in fact, I'm sure I will.

(Oh, and if you are wondering why I would put myself out there like this and admit to cheating..... well, The Ex pretty much told anyone who would sit still in his presence long enough to listen, and he talks A LOT, so I've just come to accept it as common knowledge. It is what it is, loved ones.)

GTFOHWTBS!

One surefire way to piss me off and send me into belligerent mode is to insult my intelligence. Do not patronize me. Do not try to outsmart me. Do not try to lawyer me. This past weekend, I felt like my intelligence was blatantly insulted in the following text exchange:

(Background: This guy is a friend of a friend, and we're cool with each other. I see him out every so often, but we've never went on any dates or had any "dealings" because as far as I knew, he had a girlfriend somewhere out of state. Never gave him any indication that I wanted to be anything more than friends with him. I invited him (and about 47 other people) out to see my favorite local funk band, Blackberry Jam, perform at Tip Top Tavern on Friday night (I am officially their #1 fan... I know all their songs, I have a "vintage" t-shirt that nobody else has, I am a BBJ freak), which he'd been to see before and loves, too. We'd talked about Friday's show and I figured I'd see him out there, but I went to the show solo.)

Him (11:56pm): Okay i am going to see you out.

Me (12:00am): Where? I'm at Tip Top now.

Him (12:01am): Southport....*
*Southport is the area I live in.

Me (12:02am): Southport is not "out".

Him (12:03am): So Southport is in...

Me (12:06am): Yes, and I am out....

Him (12:09am): Okay cool when you are going in i am coming in...

Me (12:15am): Oh really? Why don't you just come out.*
*I could have clicked at this point because that seemed quite forward, but I was feeling good so I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and let it slide.

Him (12:16am): I am out...

Me (12:18am): Where??

Him (12:20am): Downtown

Me (12:21am): There's like 50-leven places U could B downtown, so that tells me nothing. U should be @Tip Top.*
*[To see Blackberry Jam perform] This is where my impatience starts to set in, and the first belligerent stirrings begin......

Him (1:17am): Let's change... 10th Street.

Me (1:24am): Huh?? WTF is on 10th St??*
*It then dawned on me that he LIVES on 10th street.... I'd been out there before for a get together with my friend.

Him (1:25am): WTF is on southport...

Me (1:26am): Um, Meijer, Shell, Target, Kohls, Chick-fil-A*..... where you at now?
*Sarcasm setting in....

Him (1:28am): Oh... I am at Blu but i didn't drive so i can't make it to southport.* So i said change of venue... 10th street.

*At what point did I ever INVITE him to Southport???

Me (1:29am): I may B @Blu later if U got my cover. Its 2 late 2 ask [DJ] Limelight.

Him (1:37am): I told you i didn't drive and I think my ride is about to leave... i think.

Me (1:39am): I'm enjoyin this Blackberry Jam right now.

Him (1:44am): Okay well.... 10th street it is.*

*WTF?? When did I ever agree to that???

Me (1:46am): Huh??? I dunno bout that. I think they're done.

Him (2:00am): Okay so where you going?

Me (2:01am): I think I'm goin home.

Him (2:06am): You think...

Me (2:07am): Ok, I knows. The show's over. Time 2 go.

Him (2:08am): Can you take me home?

Me (2:13am): No I can't take U home! Only nucca I go outta my way 2 take home is [Son] unless I'm getting somethin out of it, & that is not the case hurr...*
*Full fledged belligerency triggered here.

Him (2:15am): Not you taking me to your home but to my home. But if u need something if just say what u need?

Me (2:16am): That's way the fuck outta my way, dude.*
*Yea, I'm getting pissed, cuz the f-word is making its way into texts to someone I rarely talk to.....

Him (2:18am): Okay.... who said you had to go home?

Me (2:20am): I did. Look, I know U tryin 2 negotiate some ass, so let's cut all the verbal gymnastics. I'm tired, I'm drunk, I'm goin home.

Him (2:24am): [Anesidora] look... I am the kind of dude that will say i am horny and what's up so i don't play games. If u can good if not i will wait for my boys to go...*
*Note that it's 2:24am.... club closes at 3, he could've easily waited another 36 minutes for his boys to attempt to get those last few numbers.

Me (2:25am): No, I can't.

Him (2:27am): Okay... That's all. U were going home so i thoght* u could scoop me. No big deal...!

*Drunk ass texts......

Me (2:30am): If U were on my way it wouldn't B a big deal. But the westside is far as fuck from where I stay.

Him (2:31am): Do i need to be on my way?*
*WTF????

Me (2:33am): On your way where?

Him (2:34am): On ur way?

Me (2:34am): NO. It ain't goin down.

Him (2:35am): Well you said it... We will talk later.

Me (2:35am): Yup.*
*Sent as I'm walking into Mr. $10 in Grateful Deads' room.....

And here's the kicker:

Him (2:38am): But make it clear i am not trying to make sexual passages at you.

(I didn't even respond to that BS.)

************

Did I miss something here?? Was I really expected to believe that this was NOT an attempt to get some ass from me??? As the saying goes, ain't nothing open that late but legs (and Denny's, but he sure didn't mention getting me any hash browns).

Guys, if I've said this before, I've said it a thousand times..... We. Are. Not. Stupid. At least women like me aren't. Unfortunately, Game often is very stupid. You cannot take an exchange like this and then attempt to clean it up with a flimsy "That's not what I meant/How dare you make such assumptions"-type disclaimer (this is not the first guy who has attempted to do this). I understand that verbal gymnastics are somewhat necessary.... it's part of the dance that we call dating. It would have been even more ridiculous if he HAD came right out and said to me "I'm horny and what's up," particularly considering this guy has never even gotten so much as a peck on the cheek from me. But come ON..... was I really expected to fall for that "I just want to come over and hang out with you drunk at 3am no hanky panky" BS?? Getthefuckouttaherewiththatbullshit.

I made the SBM Thursday Feature!!!

Today one of my posts was featured on the Thursday Feature on one of my most favorite blogs, Single Black Male!! I's so excited. Even if you've already read this one, check out his commentary on it and the COMMENTS! Boy are there some comments!! (364 when I last checked)

So, here you go.......

Thursday's Feature: Them thirsty ninjas......

*does little happy dance*

"You are NOT the father!"

I saw something in the grocery store today that made me stop dead in my tracks:


Woah. Wow. Err..... huh. For $150, in 3-5 days you can get the answer to the question that thousands of fools get up and air their dirty laundry on Maury for. No free trip to NYC, but hey.... I'd say that's a small sacrifice for your dignity.

(and notice it's displayed right next to a box of condoms. Oh the irony.)

This got me thinking about an article I recently read in Playboy reviewing the book "I Don't: A Contrarian History of Marriage" by Susan Squire. Here's a summary by Publisher's Weekly:


"In breezy, irreverent prose, Squire (The Slender Balance) catalogues the history and religious significance of the institution of marriage from Adam and Eve to the Renaissance and beyond. Writing as if gossiping with a girlfriend, Squire argues that marriage was developed to establish paternity by controlling the sex life of women. We learn that the men of Athens had hetaera (courtesans) to entertain them, concubines for their daily 'need' and wives with whom to breed legitimate children; the women of Rome, on the other hand, learned how to use their power to threaten male rule of society. The New Testament offers equality to husband and wife, at least in the marriage bed; the association of lust with Eve's original sin can be attributed to Augustine. Squire explores sixth-century penitentials on sexual sins, adultery in the Middle Ages and the intersection of wife and witch during the Renaissance inquisitions. Readers are left questioning whether our modern idea of love matches might end up as a chapter in a future book about the incarnations of marriage. 'Love may not be the answer, but for now, it is the story.'" Publishers Weekly (Copyright Reed Business Information, Inc.)


Interesting take on things..... marriage originally being designed to control the determination of paternity. I guess Identigene fucks THAT purpose all up.*

(*and please, spare me the "sacred union" comments about how we are intended to be with 1 person for all of eternity and beyond..... I know, I know. Whatever. It's a nice idea. Go delude yourself all you want..... go on.... I'll leave you alone while you do it. Just don't do it here.)

Smiling behind the clouds

I admit..... I am a recovering pessimist:

Main Entry:	pessimist
Part of Speech:	noun
Definition:	A prophet of misfortune or disaster.
Synonyms:	Cassandra, doomsayer, worrywart

See?? It's right there. I really can't help it.

And often I use my blogs as an outlet for my frustrations, which I realize makes me seem like an overly negative and downright miserable person. Not so. Well, not so much anymore (remember, I said "recovering"). The transformation in my way of thinking about the world has been RADICAL over the past year and a half. This becomes extremely apparent now when I talk with my friends, most of which I know from law school, which lends to a more pessimistic attitude (because pessimists are more successful than optimists in law school.... it's a fact). We have a tendency to catastrophize, be an all-or-nothing thinker, "should on" ourselves, and overgeneralize......all those forms of distorted thinking, and I would be the Grand Poobah at the pity party. Now I try and tell my friends to calm down, not worry, change their way of viewing a situation, and all those good things that Zen teaches us (or me, anyway..... I don't know about you), and sometimes it even bothers me because the distortions are so glaringly obvious. But, old habits die hard, and days weeks like today this week I feel that old "woe is me" feeling starting to creep over me like kudzu in Georgia and I start thinking of illegal creative ways to score some Wellbutrin.

WELL NOT TODAY DAMMIT!!!

I'm going to go through everything that's bothering me (ok, so just a few things) and find its positive spin. Even if it kills me. Ok, not really, but in the hyperbolic sense.

1. I'm lonely.

Well, duh, you just kicked your mate of damn near 15 years to the curb and it's kind of hard to get back up to speed after that. But more importantly, speed isn't necessary. This is a time where I need to take advantage of something I've never had...... Me Time. And not Me Time in the sense of having time to myself to chill or do something fun (because I have more of that now, actually, with having to share custody of the kids), but in the sense of figuring out who I am and what I want without any interference from someone with their own agenda for me. I need to seize this opportunity to heal myself, because divorce is emotionally destructive like Hurricane Gustav, and it takes time to clean up the wreckage. You can't just run in and start slapping up structures on top of the wreckage..... you have to clean up first, THEN rebuild. Likewise, I shouldn't worry about throwing a new relationship on top of my emotional clean-up project (because if you assume (like my Ex) that divorce doesn't hurt the protagonist of separation, too, you are dead freaking wrong). I just need to remember that this is a process, and to be grateful that I have the time to go through the process...... I don't feel the pressure to rush into a new relationship because of a biological clock, or the need for financial support (eventually.... I'll get to that). There's no panic, there's no rush. *woo sah*

2. I'm broke and working a menial job.

I started my temp job this week, and yes, it sucks badly, more so emotionally and egotistically than anything......I make less in a day than I could potentially earn in an hour, but those goodie good hours are few and far between working as half-hearted solo practitioner who would much rather have an office that isn't parked in front of the TV. Ok, so it doesn't suck THAT bad..... it's laid back, people are cool, I don't have to dress up, it's mindless, and I can sit and listen to my most favoritest DJ's mixes on my iPod (if he would ever get me my CD!! *points finger menacingly*). I suppose it could be worse. But beyond that, this experience is teaching me humility and that there are a lot of things I can go without. I don't have to go buy a new shirt or dress (even from the clearance rack at Target) every time I want to go out to an event somewhere. I don't need the eyeshadow beckoning to me from the end cap display at the store. Pre-gaming with Oliver Wines is a good thing..... or even better still, no need to get shitfaced have several drinks when I go out. I'm more conscious of where and how often I drive, I pay more attention to prices in the grocery store..... all of those things I didn't do when I did have the six-figure gig, but which I should have been doing. Now I know better. As my ex-work spouse says "That'll learn ya."

But most importantly, it is forcing me to accept that a job does not define who I am and what my worth is. So much of my identity came from being the Big Firm attorney..... but that is what I DID, not who I AM. I am a mother, I am a friend, I am a lover; I support people I care about; I love music, I love books, I love writing, I love nature; I am spiritual, I am caring..... none of those things have anything to do with where I spend 8+ hours a day making a living or how much money I make doing it or whose ass I had to kiss to get there or how many people I have kissing mine. I think I had to lose all that to appreciate those things about me that were being suffocated and stifled by being defined by my career. I'm struggling now, but I know I will come out of this having changed for the better (and still with a cum laude law degree, dammit), and will appreciate my paycheck just a little bit more, and will keep it more in perspective.

3. I'm heartbroken.

This is the 8000 lb elephant in the room that keeps kicking shit over, and I keep picking things up and gluing them back together like nothing happened, but I'm ending up with a lot of broken shit everywhere so I think it's time to address the offending pachyderm. I have got to remember that everything happens for a reason, and things work out the way they are SUPPOSED TO. I keep having to tell myself "be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it".......though I've seriously given up hope of ever getting it (although, stranger things in life have happened). I have to keep reminding myself that the reasons why our relationship could not work are the same qualities that would probably ultimately destroy it in the end anyway (again, so I must tell myself, but who knows, who knows.....). Some people come into your life for a reason, and I have to make myself believe that he fulfilled that reason, and now it is time to let go and move on.... and I mean truly move on mentally and emotionally. And this goes back to my earlier discussion about cleaning up the emotional wreckage...... if my divorce was Hurricane Gustav, this was the tornado that came along in the aftermath. But this was truly a life learning experience for me..... I'd never experienced heartbreak. I'm now weathering something I should have dealt with a few times over by this point in my life. I'm learning how to let go without turning to hate (like my Ex has). At times it has been hard not to turn my feelings to bitterness and hatefulness (and subsequent hateful behavior..... not cool), which is the quick and dirty method of dealing with heartbreak. I feel like I will eventually be a better person for walking away and moving on while still maintaining a level loving kindness (i.e. "love without attachment".... again, a Zen thing) for him, which is that level of caring that makes me not turn to a scorched earth policy and make his life a living hell (which is hard to resist since it keeps getting done to me by my Ex, so there's a tendency to pay that bullshit forward, but BECAUSE I know personally how shitty that is, I won't/can't do it). This shit sucks now, but I know it won't be forever, no matter how that works out..... and it will work out how it is supposed to with no intervention from me. *sits on hands*

*************

Ok, so that wasn't 100% positive, but it's a recovering pessimist's positive, and my own dark humor version of positive. I just don't have it in me to be happy-go-lucky. But this is me. And I'm happy to be who and how I am. Don't let the gloom and doom fool ya..... I'm still smiling behind the clouds.

Only Sometimes......

Sometimes I wish......
that I could've been a better actress
and went through the motions
to convinced myself to love him

~Me