Emotional Baggage Sundays: The Ex-Factor

As my body struggles to recover from processing last nights' libations, my mind starts creeping off into dark and disused corners, nosing around where it doesn't belong.... yes, it starts poking around in the Emotional Baggage.

Let me pause and explain what Emotional Baggage means to me. Emotional Baggage is the stuff I pack up and store away in the attic of my brain. It's like the old toys you don't play with anymore that sit in your mom's basement, packed up, abandoned and forgotten (for the most part). I don't carry around my Emotional Baggage.... I listened to Erykah when she told me to put that ish down or I'd miss my bus ("You can't hurry up, cuz you got too much stuff....."). But some days, like today, some of that baggage falls out the attic, down the stairs and bonks me on the head..... usually when I'm feeling physically and/or emotionally crappy (e.g. when I'm hungover).

So what brought about today's Emotional Baggage moment? Ok, so I was admittedly doing a little e-stalking (yes, we all do it... you know you sometimes take a gander at an ex's Facebook/MySpace/Twitter page)..... ok, so I wouldn't even call it STALKING, just masochistic curious peeking via Twitter (Twitter.... the newest place for sneaky peeky spying) and noticed in his photo that he had on a piece of jewelry that looked very similar to a piece I'd given him as a gift. I knew at some point he'd broken it, so that had me wondering if he'd actually cared enough to get it fixed or was this just something new to take its place? I allowed myself to ponder this for a little while, allowed my mind to poke through the old Emotional Baggage trunks, then closed it up again and shoved it back into the attic.

This made me think about last weekend when I was out with my beau and his roomie at our usual spot, and I had an Ex Encounter with this individual. I thought I was cool about it.... we didn't even exchange any words.... but on the ride home I was told that it was apparent that the situation bothered me. Which, if I'm really honest with myself, it did..... but more so because I don't like being on bad terms with people even if I never interact with them anymore.... I'd rather just be at peace with the person and we each go on about our respective lives without wishing ill on each other. Unfortunately, I'm not good at masking my emotions (even though I'm simultaneously good at masking what's on my mind) so he was able to pick up on it. Then he asked me the question whose philosophical implications have been the crux of my EBS ruminations for the day: So do you still have feelings for this dude?

Honest answer: Yes.

But that's not the end of discussion. The real question for me is: But what does that really MEAN?

Honest to blog answer: Not a damn thing.

First of all, what are we really talking about when we use the word "feelings"? Yes, I still care about this person as a human being. But do I want or feel the need to be with him? No. It's more of a benevolent feeling as opposed to a longing one. So my "feelings" for this person don't mean that I wish our "relationship" (or whatever it was) would resume. I know it's over and done. It's just a fact of life that relationships end, and they don't always end because the individuals involved don't care about each other.... it takes more than love to make a relationship work. And just because a relationship ends doesn't mean the associated feelings simultaneously end. Even when a relationship ends in a fiery inferno of hatred badly, there are often some form of lingering feelings there (because the opposite of love is NOT hate.... it's indifference). So where does this leave you when you decide to move on? Are we supposed to wait until the feelings for the old person have fully dissipated before doing so? My stance on this is no, we should not. Of course, there's some level of healing that must occur.... if you're still reading old e-mails daily, habitually gazing at old pictures, hitting them up for booty calls and CONSTANTLY thinking about the person every single day, then yea, maybe it's best to wait and let your heart recover a bit. But if you know in your heart of hearts that it's over and done, then I don't think we should be required to be held hostage to old feelings and be required to put life on hold until those feelings for that person are 100% gone. So long as we are not acting upon those feelings, I think people should be given a little leeway in this department. We're human after all. "Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions."-- David Borenstein. I don't see myself as holding on to the past, but rather acknowledging and respecting it's existence and it's role, but I also permit myself to move on and seek my happiness.

Eartha Kitt: The Ultimate Sex Kitten

Another one of my idols, Eartha Kitt, has died at the age of 81 on Christmas Day. Since I did a tribute post to the late great Bettie Page, I would be remiss if I didn't do one about the quintessential sex-kitten as well.

To me, Eartha wasn't one of those traditionally "beautiful" women, but it was all about the pure, raw, organic sex appeal that she put forth. How many guys out there really weren't mad at Eddie Murphy in Boomerang when he responded to the calls of "Maaaarcus, daaaahhhling....."?



Eartha was a woman who just oozed sex appeal..... the ultimate sex kitten. As my friend would say, Eartha had some serious mojo going on..... at EVERY age.

Eartha had such a distinctive sound and look that I just loved. You can instantly recogize her voice.......even watching cartoons with the kids, I recognized her as the voice in "The Emperor's New School" as the voice of the villaness Izma. And I'm sorry, but Michelle Phifer had NOTHING on Eartha's Catwoman.

Meow!

I'll leave you with one of my favorite Eartha Kitt songs (I think her rendition of Santa Baby is still my favorite) that sums up that demure naughtiness that appealed to me so:

RIP, Eartha.

Predictions of Change: Part Deux

There been times that I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will.

~Sam Cooke, "A Change is Gonna Come"

I quoted this song lyric in a blog post I wrote back on Wednesday, April 25th, 2007 in my old MySpace blog (and later republished on AID under "Predictions of Change (kind of eerie)") no less than 3 DAYS before the excrement hit the air conditioning and it was curtains for my marriage. I go back and read that and it kind of creeps me out.....Intuition is a powerful, powerful thing, loved ones.

Back in April 2007, I didn't know WHAT was coming. I didn't know in 3 days I'd be separated and on the road toward divorce; I didn't know that my career would take a serious nosedive (though I'm not going to say it ever crashed.... just was in a low altitude holding pattern for awhile) and in 8 month I would no longer be employed full time, didn't know I'd get to the point where I had to pawn old jewelry for gas money, and all the other bad things that I've recounted in this blog.

But here are other things that I didn't know were coming as well..... I didn't know I would meet such great people who have helped me get through everything and have held me down when I needed it most..... sometimes financially, but mostly emotionally. I didn't know that after hitting rock bottom, I'd emerge from the wreckage with the tools I needed to change my outlook on life. I didn't know that I would radically change my coping skills and become a much more positive and patient person. I didn't know that I would learn that I don't need as much stuff as I think and that I'd realize how much wasteful spending I was doing. I didn't know I would realize how to stand on my own two feet.

Well, a change for the better is finally coming, loved ones. I met with my future boss to talk details about the position at the firm that I will be working at starting in January. I'd just come from my $10/hr temp job feeling really beat down and loser-ish. I'd been talking to the folks at this firm since June... yes, JUNE.... about a position with them, but there had never been any talk about how much I would make there. I had mentally prepared myself for a serious pay cut since I was coming from a firm of 250+ attorneys and would be going to one of less than 10.

So I sit down and we exchange pleasantries, and then he puts the numbers out on the table. The best way to describe my reaction would be that it was very similar to what happens when a program stops responding in Windows Vista, and the screen kind of grays out a little and the "Not Responding" message comes up..... yea, that's what happened to me for about 30 seconds as he continued to talk. I'm not going to put all my business out there like that, but let's just say it is a SIGNIFICANT increase from what I was making at my old firm (like an 18% increase). And not only that, but my billable hour requirement will be LESS than what it was at my old firm. And not only that, but the firm is minority owned (but still diverse). And best of all, I really do feel like I'm going to be at a place where my contributions and intellect will be respected and appreciated.

I always say that everything happens for a reason and everything in the universe works out the way it is supposed to, and I'm so happy to see my mantra in action. Exactly a year ago I decided to leave my big firm, six figure job and step out on faith and a whim, because I knew I needed some change. This past year has been filled with ups and downs (mostly downs), stops and starts, lots of closed doors and false hopes. Yes, the negative things did upset me, but I never let them bring me all the way down because I knew that things would work out the way they are supposed to. Every time I got a "thanks but no thanks" letter, or no call back, or no response, I'd say a prayer: "God, please place me where I need to be." And when I'd get those rejections, I'd think "That must not be where I was supposed to be."

I'm not an overly religious person..... in fact, me and organized religion are quite at odds with each other. But I am a spiritual person who believes in God, and I believe that God is everywhere and in everything nudging and influencing the moving parts of life. One of my favorite books that truly had an impact on how I view life is Paul Coelho's "The Alchemist", and the main premise of the book is that the Universe consipires to help us reach our destiny (please read it, loved ones). This past year has really taught me to be patient and let God move those pieces, even when I couldn't see them moving. I'm just in awe sometimes when I think about how everyting fits and flows together, things you wouldn't even think have an impact, not only in your life but in others' lives. It's really too much to go into here, but just know that everything-- good and bad-- truly does happen for a reason, even if you don't see that reason for years to come, and maybe not even in your own life. But it all works out the way it is supposed to, loved ones.... it truly does.

The Notorious Bettie Page

Pin-up legend Bettie Page died today at the age of 85.... I'm so sad. Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE BETTIE PAGE!!! She's my idol. My fetish for hosiery, garters, corsets, bondage, spanking, and anything pin-up comes directly from this woman.

(check out those cuban heel back seam thigh high stockings....oooooooooh, makes me feel all tingly)


The first time I saw a picture of Bettie Page I had to have been 12 or 13.... it was in a store that's no longer around, Artsy Phartzy, and there was a Bettie Page t-shirt displayed on the wall. I didn't know who or what the heck she was, but I knew right then and there that I liked it. It's odd that I remember such a thing, because I have the memory of a goldfish.... that shows you how much of an impression this woman made on me. Needless to say, she has had influence in my life for some time now.


I just love Bettie's combination of naughty and nice.... in some of her photos she looks sweet and innocent, and in others she looks like she'll make you sorry you didn't finish all your brussel sprouts (or perhaps glad that you didn't).





















To me, Bettie represents the freedom of the inner self..... that bad girl in all of us. Bettie was the epitome of sexy, the embodiment of fantasy..... the quintessential pin-up.

RIP, Bettie.

In Her Shoes

So I had my appointment with my "new" loctician (who BTW I really liked and did a great job cutting my hair.... got about 3-4" lopped off but I think it's still plenty long.... seems to be more of a surprise to other folks more than it is to me, maybe because I rarely saw the back of my own head......). On my way to my appointment, I had a conversation with a friend of mine (my personal Zen Master of sorts) who was basically telling me that I need to suck it up, take the L, and let the whole loctician situation go. *deep heavy sigh* I asked for his reaction to my blog post from yesterday, and here's the edited, abridged, and redacted version of our conversation:

********************

Me: Thoughts?
ZM: i know it sucks to lose something valuable to you in this. *here comes the but*
ZM: but you don't know where this woman is in the healing process and thru this entire thing she has had zero leverage. she was the one who was hurt that had no control over the situation. so now she does and i gotta understand her desire to not give that up for you. I'm sure you know the second part...but the first part is the most important.
ZM: you've never been dumped even. i was the same way as you once until my heart was truly crushed and it took over two years to get over it...and it was not by _______
ZM: when it was hurt like that i felt to stupid for not understanding ________ and how she acted during our breakup.
ZM: so stupid
ZM: hopefully u will never know that type of pain luv....but if you ever do you will look back on his blog differently guaranteed

Me: I'm zealously advocating for myself here
Me: Maybe I'm mad cuz __________ is making ME out to be the petty one
ZM: i would not call it petty. i would say you don't know how she feels. u can't. therefore you can't be totally held liable for not being able to be in her shoes. if you had, you would not even be able to be upset at the situation.

Me: And can I say that I have been hurt in all this, so don't I get some leeway to be an irrational bitch, too?
ZM: .....you can always be irrational and act out if you like
Me: LOL
ZM: you can be selfish or evil or anything else you like if you want too.
Me: :(
ZM: I'm not saying you are
ZM: I'm saying you can
ZM: its your right. its like when white people get indignant about how "black get stuff for free". if they were black and truly "got it" then they wouldn't see that way
ZM: they have always been white. the majority. they don't realize the everyday subliminal benefits
ZM: its the same in this case
ZM: you are upset because you have never had to process that type of pain
ZM: if you would then you would get it and just accept it as part of life. you would not have anything to be upset about.

ZM: so hopefully you never will get it...but trust me on this. you don't understand where she is in the healing process
ZM: btw...you are still my friend and I'll support any rant you are on based off that alone. :)
Me: I fully understand what you are saying
Me: And that's why I started off that post on the subject of Karma
Me: And took the approach I did
Me: **long sigh**
Me: I wrote a post a few months ago about heartbreak
Me: And how it's the 1st time I've dealt with it
Me: Its not the same, I know
Me: But it was a nice lil portion
ZM: yeah i know. I'm not saying you don't know heartbreak
ZM: i know u do

Me: Guess I just gotta wait til the Universe is done fuckin with me on this one
Me: That's why I'm not big on revenge, cuz the Universe rights itself
ZM: u said it best in your other blog. sometime a person thinks they been thru it but its plain to anyone that has been thru it that the other has not. so how u feel is totally normal based on your level of past hurt
ZM: lol...and the universe does right itself

*********************

I mean, what can I really say to that?? As much as it is causing deep, painful visceral reactions in the core of my being, I have to say...... he's right. *recovers from violent convulsions* A good attorney not only knows and understands her own argument, but the other side's as well.... just as well, if not better than, her own. And my friend gave me a fairly compelling argument for the other side today. I'm not even going to expound on it because I think his words summed it up pretty well.

(Sidenote: I really appreciate friends who have the cajones to disagree with you and tell you when you're wrong, and tell you what they know you don't want to hear. Anybody can tell you want they think you want to hear. I believe that real friends will tell you when you're right AND when you're wrong.)

I have to finish processing all this..... I have a lot of conflicting thoughts that are swirling around dredging up old shyt that I've done my best to settle, and creating a big ole pot of Rage Soup that's threatening to boil over and burn up everything in its path (I actually wrote a bunch of other shyt, took it out, put it back, and then took it out again.... don't worry, loved ones, I have it saved for another day). But for now I'm just going to woo sah this out, bring myself back to the present moment, and enjoy my new haircut.

Again, to be continued......

Please, Karma, not my hair.....

If there is one lesson I have learned in the last year and a half of my adventures in divorce, it is this: Karma is a hellafide bitch. And just when you think she's done with you, here she comes from around the corner again with her rusty fork to jab you in the arse a few more times. Karma doesn't just come at you in the direct, obvious forms.... oh no, she's much craftier than that. Like the obvious consequence of my... uh.... indiscretions wasn't just my dramatical divorce, my emotional break down, and the major upheaval of my life in general. Oh no.... she keeps coming at me in new and exciting ways that I'd never imagined! And the newest incarnation of Karma's wrath is to fuck with........

.......My Hair.

Yes, loved ones, Karma has made it such that my hair stylist of 8 years may no longer accessible to me. The only man I have ever felt 100% comfortable doing my hair, both before and after I started my locs. The man who is THE MAN when it comes to locs. The man responsible for folks coming up to me saying "Hey, you look really familiar" because I used to do modeling for him and was all over his marketing materials and business cards. The man whom I can go to, sit in his chair, say "I'm not really sure what I want" and he gives me exactly what I want. The man responsible for doing my hair and photos featured in this video.

I know this seems really odd and random, but it's directly related to my.... uh.... indiscretions. Recently my loctician changed shops.... he was previously at an otherwise all white salon and was the only black stylist in the shop. He had his own private room, nice and spacious, where we could chat and listen to music and carry on as we do. So last month he moved to an all black salon that specializes in natural hair. I actually had my son's locs started there and had been there at least once myself. So what's the problem, you ask? Well, a few years ago the shop changed ownership, and is now owned by...... can you guess? *waits 5 seconds for you to guess* That's right, my.... uh..... "co-conspirator's" wife. *long Napoleonic Dynamite sigh* Needless to say, she told my loctician that I am banned from coming into the shop. My stylist said he was going to talk to her about it (because I am his client, not the shop's, and I've been his client for 8 years, and he said he really didn't give a flying fig what went on in other people's personal lives, and it was all just business), but as of yet, I haven't heard back from him, which means I can only assume that this is still a yet unresolved issue between him and "management".

Now, I understand that I we did a bad thing. I know this. And I know people were hurt by it. And I've paid for it 10 times over (thus the reason this blog is even in existence). But all I want is to be able to go to my hair stylist. Period. That's it. This is not a situation where I'm trying to get into her shop just to fuck with her.... I don't want to see her any more than she wants to see me. I have MAD HISTORY with my hair stylist so it has nothing to do with her, her husband, or her shop. I tell people all the time that my loctician (and also my nail tech) could set up shop in a crack house and I would be there kicking glass pipes aside to sit in his chair. And I'm sure 99% of his other clients feel the same way.

(*Sick and ironic side note: The building where the salon is located is also the building in which I got married in 1999. It used to be a wedding chapel until there was a fire in the building, which someone else bought and turned into a hair salon. I stood right on the bricks in front of the picture window in the front and said my "I do's" almost 10 years ago. Fate is a cruel and evil bitch sometimes, too.)

I can understand that she hates my guts and wishes for the cessation of my very existence doesn't like me. But dammit, this is business. Personally, nothing would please me more than to take the hard earned money of my arch nemesis. But perhaps being the top undergraduate business student in my class and being an overly analytical lawyer has my brain wired differently. I dunno. She works a 9 to 5, so I know there are plenty of times when she's not there when I could come in for 2 hours, 3 or 4 times a year and get my hair done and be on about my merry way. Like my BFF in London says, it's not like I'm asking to come to their house for tea and crumpets. And perhaps I could accept and understand this a little better if not for the fact that just a few months ago she was sending me e-mail invites to events at her shop (which I politely declined) and sending me (and directly to me personally.... not a mass distribution) natural hair surveys asking that I forward them on to my network (which I politely did). Which then raises the question..... who is really being petty, and who is trying to fuck with who here?? Even throughout all this mess, all this drama, I've always respected her business and have had nothing but positive things to say about her shop. Whenever people ask me for referrals for non-loc natural hair services, I ALWAYS refer them to that shop. I have a greater purpose in mind, and that is to encourage black women to embrace their natural hair, and part of that is having access to people who can help them with that, regardless of my personal history or feelings with anyone. *refrains from fully stepping onto natural hair soap box*

So, because it's come down to the last minute and I really need to get my hair done for my beau's company holiday dinner on Thursday, I went ahead and sucked it up and called my loctician's former assistant/apprentice who is still doing locs at their prior location (she stayed behind and is doing her own thing). I'm hoping that this isn't a permanent switch for me (though I am fully confident in her abilities as a stylist and have heard good things about her) but rather a temporary fix to get me over this hump while I resolve these issues with my loctician. I don't want to have to take my business elsewhere over all this, because I really don't think it's necessary, but if I have to I guess I will..... and all my other friends' and associates' business with me. But I will always and forever give my loctician credit as being the baddest loc artist on BOTH sides of the Mississippi, and on either side of the Pond as well, and none of this mess will affect my respect and admiration of him as an artist and business professional.


(I could be a helluva lot more malicious and petty in reaction to this right about now..... because really I am still VERY upset about the situation for a number of reasons I'm not going to go into here and now, and I AM still a female (and you know how the saying goes, "Hell hath no fury........"). But for now, I'm going to be the bigger person, as I really try to be, even when it is to my detriment and I have no reason to be but for the sake of principle. We'll see how this unfolds, though..... we shall see, loved ones.)

To be continued......

My son doesn't have WHAT???

I am so livid right now.... I just talked to Son, and my mommy sense was telling me something was wrong. Turns out he has been sleeping on the FLOOR at The Ex's "girl"friend's house for the past several MONTHS!!! WTF??? This woman is 42 years old, supposedly a "pillar of the community" (let him tell it) who is oh so concerned about children (she's the director a community center for fuck sake!!) and she can't even make accommodations for my son to have a bed. I know that she's only been a mother for a few years now (since she adopted a half-grown child and doesn't have any biological kids of her own) but she should at least realize that a child has BASIC NEEDS, even if my dumb ass Ex doesn't realize it.

I called The Ex right away about it, and all I got was him telling me that son WANTED to sleep on the floor, a hang up, and then texts asking if I'm drunk. NO MUTHAFUCKER I'M A PISSED OFF MOTHER CONCERNED ABOUT HER FIRST BORN CHILD'S WELL BEING!!! This is absolutely disgusting and inexcusable. And the thing that makes me even angrier is that I KNOW he's going to go back and yell at my son for telling me. And folks wonder why I got divorced?? You see what kind of dumb ass I was married to???? And what's more fucked up is that I got berated mercilessly when I moved into my apartment and my son had to sleep on an air mattress for 2 months until I could afford to buy him a new bed because I LEFT my son's old bed supposedly so The Ex could have it for my kids to have something to sleep on!! But of course, he left it in the house, just like he left everything else in the house, because he was too lazy and bitchassed to go back in there and get the rest of the stuff that I left for HIM.

Oooooooooh I am so mad right now!! And it hurts because I feel like there's nothing I can do about it. I think I'm going to send Son home on Sunday with the air mattress that I still have around here. At least that's something until those bastards take their heads out each other's asses and get my son a bed.

I just wish I could bring my baby home......

It may not be right, but it's real

"Cause to me, it's, there's nothing that's personal and private, it's all universal. There's no experience that I have ever had that's unique. And the fact that there is just certain stuff that we share but don't admit to and don't talk about. You know, what is that about?”
~Ani Difranco

I talk about a lot of scandalous controversial topics here on my blog. And I try my best to keep it 95.7% real (as I promised, the good, the bad and the ugly). My goal is to share my experiences so that maybe someone else out there can learn from my mistakes or just see that they are not alone out there when it comes to topics that most people don't have the courage to talk about.

I'm really getting weary with folks out here in the blogosphere with holier-than-thou attitudes who act like they have this life thing all figured out (in their mid-20's no less....GTFOHWTBS), and sit parked behind their laptops in the safety of anonymity spitting out their unseasoned advice to the rest of the world wide interweb. I know.... that's just people. But life is a lot simpler when you're not the one living it.

I try not to take that approach to people and their life situations. We all fuck up. We all do dumb things. And sometimes it is just helpful for one person to say to you "You know what, I've been there, too" just to make you feel a little less lonely so you have the courage take off that cloak of shame and make some life changes. Empathy is NOT the same as condoning. Let me stress that again in other terms: Just because I can see your perspective doesn't mean I'm cosigning on it, and just because I've been through it myself doesn't mean I think it's justified or right. The difference between me and these other self-righteous judgmental boobs folks is that I'll admit that I fucked up, that I'm human, and that we all have the potential to fuck up. I'm not saying it's right, I'm not saying it's ok, but I'm just saying that it just IS.

I don't have all the answers.... I don't pretend to have all the answers. All I have is what I've been through and what I've learned, and I'm willing to share what I've learned. There are enough people and things in this world to make us feel bad about ourselves.... I'm just saying that I've decided that I'm not going to be one of them.

"I have learned throughout my life as a composer chiefly through my mistakes and pursuits of false assumptions, not by my exposure to founts of wisdom and knowledge."
-- Igor Stravinsky

Don't try and get it just cuz I got it

I have 3 words for you, loved ones: B!tches ain't sh*t. My apologies for my use of such a patently derogatory phrase.... but you all know that at least for some females in some situations, it's true. The situation that is my current frame of reference is one we have all observed and/or acted in accordance with, and that is the phenomenon of not wanting someone until someone else has them. I don't know why people-- both men and women-- are wired this way, but we just are. However, what I'm talking about are the actions that stem from these feelings, which we as human beings with free will and sense (in theory) have control over.

So this weekend was my beau's roommate's birthday celebration weekend. (*Note to Self: Self, do not try to keep pace drinking with people who are under 25, 26, or even 27. You are not 25 anymore. You will wind up hurting and cursing every single microorganism responsible for the alcohol fermentation process. Please and thank you, Self....) Friday night we went out to First Fridays (the first one I've been to since, oh, 2005) and I ended up meeting some females whom my beau said had expressed some interest in him in the past. They were all nice and friendly toward me, but I know there was some questions about who I was to him. Saturday the three of us ended up heading out separately.... Beau and Roomie left earlier to try and catch the fight, and I met up with one of my friends at another spot, but we later all met up at our usual Saturday spot. I got there late-- around 1:45-- so they had already been there for a minute. My beau said that those same "friendly" chicks were coming up to him and in his face all night, asking where his "girlfriend" (i.e. me) was and flirting extra hard. Now, I'm not saying that he wouldn't have had chicks trying to flirt (because he is a nice piece of African American man candy), but the intensity was definitely turned up a few notches, and I would bet my pinkie toe that it was because they'd seen me with him the night before and decided that they were going to rise to the challenge. (Sorry ladies, I still win.)

Another example of this phenomenon occurred about 2 weeks ago..... a chick invited Beau to her firm holiday party, which he turned down because 1) I have several friends at said firm and 2) he was correct to assume I'd be shitty if he went. Now, this chick is allegedly "just a friend" and I don't doubt my beau's interpretation of their interactions, but I know the nefarious intentions of women and I know that you just don't invite any old damn body to your company's formal holiday party (the big firms get swanky with theirs) and I know that "just friends" status can do a 180 after 3 hours with an open bar. I actually took a female friend to my firm's formal dinner when I was separated just to avoid all the assumptions and speculation. Anyway, it could've been chalked up to an honest mistake, except for the fact that he asked her AFTER knowing he was seeing someone and AFTER he'd told her that he was spending Thanksgiving with me (and you don't just spend Thanksgiving with any old damn body, either). My piggies are still a little achy from that bit of toe stepping.

So how do I respond to these toe stepping bitches situations? Answer: I don't feel the need to directly address them. Less mature women may respond with confrontation and stare downs and a lot of eye/neck rolling, but I don't see the need for all that. I'm not a person who is going to rush to his side anytime I see him talking to a female, or go online and make sure EVERYONE knows we're dating (I call this "pissing on his page".... i.e. marking my "territory") or send friend requests to every chick that seems to be showing a modicum of interest in order to keep tabs. I feel like all I need to do is 1) handle my bid'ness and 2) make my presence and existence known so that there is no confusion, and the rest doesn't matter. For example, Saturday night I made sure I got up from my late night power nap and got myself out to where my beau was hanging out.... but there was no need to rush and post up by his side and mean mug women, I just made sure my face was in the place. I actually take it as a compliment that other women are interested.... that means I've got a good thing, because only good things are in high demand. But then that raises the question...... aren't I being the same way, then?? The flip side of the same coin? Hmmm.... I literally JUST thought about that. Wow.... interesting perspective, Self (I have a serious problem with debating myself and never getting anywhere with it).

Anywho, I'm not one to trip on other women showing interest in the guy I'm dating. Try and talk to him, dance with him in the club, buy him a drink.... that's fine (so long as folks don't get blatantly disrespectful about it.... that I DON'T tolerate). I'm plenty confident enough in who I am and what I have to offer, so I know where he's going home to later.

I've been Tagged!

So I normally reserve this sort of thing for Facebook and such, but Daughter just left for her weekend with The Ex and I'm really, really bored, so I'ma take one for the team and do this here. I was tagged by Ladebelle over at Rants of a Wild Child to come up with 7 random things about myself. Wanna hear it? Here it go:

THE RULES:

1. Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
4. Let each person know that they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Aaaaaand.... GO!

1. One of my favorite shows is "It's Me or the Dog"..... even though this bitch who belongs to my son who is never even here my dog is the bane of my existence.

2. I have over $1500 worth of ink on my body (damn, that's the first time I've added that up).

3. I'm secretly proud of my son's game, even though I hate the fact that he's not a member of the Opal Ring Crusade. *throws up in mouth a little* That's another blog post for another day.....

4. I've never been to Disney World. :(

5. My blogosphere alias (you didn't think that was my real name, did you??) is based on an alternative to my pet snake's name, Pandora, which is a nickname given to me by a dear friend of mine (I have a thing for Greek mythology.... my real name is from Greek mythology).

6. My favorite cereal as a child was Wheat Chex.

7. Even though I look forward to my free weekends (and time to myself to do whatever I want) when the kids are with The Ex, I always get depressed because I haven't quite learned how to just enjoy my own company..... I get lonely (thus, Emotional Baggage Sundays).

Fellow bloggers that I'm tagging: My Seventeen Cents, Black Femme Fatale, Only a 'lil Jaded, It's how I feel....you don't have to necessarily like it, [FUNG'KE] [BLAK] [CHIK], That Dude DJ Limelight, The Wheels on the Bus

(and even if they don't play along, read their blogs anyway.... good stuff)

"Been an awful good girl.... Santa Baby"

"Santa Baby, slip a sable under the tree, For me.
been an awful good girl, Santa baby,
so hurry down the chimney tonight...."

It is time, once again, for my 3rd (???) Annual Christmas Wish List of things I know good and damn well I'm not going to get but I'm a masochistic freak and keep doing this list every year anyway I want Santa to bring me for Christmas. I am by far not a materialistic girl..... I'm not all into designer ish, I don't equate dollar amounts with how much a person cares, and simple things make me happy. Hell, sometimes I wonder if I'm TOO low maintenance (though I'm sure guys will say there is no such thing, but I'm suspecting that this is a bunch of crap.... still working on my magnum opus of blog posts "Guys, you don't really want the cool chick"). They always say it's the thought that counts..... well, I realize I'm a little off the map at times, so for someone to ask their sister/cousin/auntie/co-worker what they think I would like is a pretty pointless exercise (a fact that The Ex was never quite able to figure out). So, just so nobody can ever say I never told them, I do this handy list every year for nobody in particular..... it's just something to do.

So, without further adieu, The List:

1. 0 gauge plugs, tunnels, and/or spirals for my ears (like these):










2. a Tibetian Singing Bowl:

















3. Bobbi Brown "Baby" perfume (which can only be found on eBay because it's discontinued, so you'd get MAJOR brownie points for that one).

4. (and if you can't find Baby, then.....) Versace "Bright Crystal" perfume.

5. Patterned, striped, or any interesting colored Hosiery (that means tights, socks, and garters).... preferably knee highs and above from For Love 21, Target, Nordstrom, Sockdreams.com, or anyone else who carries more than just boring black, white and nude sockery (yes, I just made that word up).

6. A Bettie Page t-shirt (or any other Bettie paraphernalia), perhaps something like this:



















7. Naptown Roller Girls roller derby ticket(s) (or preferably, just take me to a bout and buy me a beer).

8. Carol's Daughter products, especially Tui Hair Oil.

9. Tiffany silver jewelry (and no, it's not as expensive as you may think..... seriously).

10. Essential/perfume oils, including nag champa, lavender, peppermint, patchouli, and sandalwood (and if you're nice, carrier oils to go with them.... jojoba, safflower, and/or coconut).

11. Earrings, necklaces and scarves from For Love 21.

12. Anything from Pier 1. I love Pier 1. Especially anything Buddhist-inspired.

13. a mini disco ball (with the multi-colored light kit).

Now here's where I get stupid with the list......

14. a plane ticket to London to visit my BFF (this had been on the list for several years now).

15. a Blackberry Bold (yea, I'm stuck with AT&T for awhile now, so no Storm for me).

16. a vacation..... anywhere. I don't even care where. Just anywhere but here.

17. a laptop.... preferably an iMac, but any laptop would be greatly appreciated.

18. an iPod Touch.

19. a JOB Oops, I already got that!! I meet with them Friday to discuss "details". *happy dance*

And if I don't get any of this stuff, I'll just chalk it up to the fact that I was kind of naughty this year.... I think I broke a few hearts, disappointed some folks, and verbally abused the dog a little too much. It's ok.... there's always next year (though I can't promise that I'll be any less naughty).

Thanksgiving Recap: Little Sister to the Rescue

Thanksgiving.... probably my favorite holiday. It's a time to get together with friends and loved ones (which are one in the same for me) without all the commercialized BS and stress of Christmas. Plus I LOVE holiday food.... I may cook each dish individually throughout the year, but the combination of them all on one plate just makes me squirm with delight happy.

This year wasn't looking to be so great, though. Mom has been in the hospital, my siblings are scattered all around the country and my sisters had spent money to come visit mom in the hospital 2 weeks before the holiday, I am broke as a joke, and was sick as I don't know what. My beau was also stuck in town and couldn't go home to visit his family. And we both had our kids for the holiday this year. Plus this was the first year actually being DIVORCED. However, I REFUSED to take all this lying down and instead sprung into action to salvage what I could of the holiday.... yes, little sister stepped up and made an ENTIRE THANKSGIVING DINNER in 1 afternoon. I got up around 11am (I'd been out the night before.... good times, good times) went to the grocery store and then came home and got to work.

Here's what my menu consisted of:

Roast turkey breast and gravy
Spiral sliced ham (with brown sugar, orange and red wine glaze)
Collard greens (mixed with a bit of mustards and okra, made with turkey bacon)
Dressing (with turkey sausage)
Candied sweet potatoes (a family speciality)
Macaroni and cheese (with turkey bacon)
Cranberry sauce & mandarin oranges
And of course, my famous sweet potato pie (famous in my family anyway.... grandma gave me the recipe but always asks for mine)

By a stroke of luck/divine intervention/my mother's vehement insistence, my mother was able to come home Thanskgiving evening. I was soooo happy I had a meal for my parents to come home to, AND a meal she could actually eat. I didn't use pork in anything (well, except for the ham, but the ham was for my son at his insistence)..... turkey everything. I even made the sweet potato pies with Splenda (though not the candied sweet potatoes, because the sauce doesn't thicken up right without real sugar).

This was the first holiday meal I'd made entirely on my own and I was SO nervous that I was going to mess something up (ok, so I did burn a few pieces of sweet potato). But everyone was very pleased, and that made me very pleased, despite the fact that I was thoroughly exhausted by the end of the night and woke up feeling like microwaved death. I was a little irked because my sister had told me she was coming for Thanksgiving, but then called at 4pm to say she was coming Friday when I'd already made enough food for all fo them too........ *pause* But we ate up their share anyway (sorry fo ya, big sis).

It wasn't anything fancy or formal.... just me, the kids, Beau and his son sitting around wherever we could find a seat at my parents', eating on paper plates with plastic utensils. My parents didn't even eat with us because Dad was helping Mom get situated upstairs. Yea, we're not very formal, but we made it work. And I really must give myself a pat on the back for this one.... I stepped up and saved the day.

Forgiveness: A relationship with time

The act of forgiveness is the act of returning to present time.
And that's why when one has become a forgiving person,
and has managed to let go of the past,
what they've really done is they've shifted their relationship with time.

~ Caroline Myss ~

I once heard forgiveness defined as the letting to of the desire to see another person suffer. When someone has wronged us, we naturally want them to pay for what they have done.... some retribution of sorts. The inability to forgive, however, is desiring to see that person pay that retribution over, and over, and over again. Until we completely let go of that desire, we have not truly forgiven. This is one of the most difficult feats of humanity, and even harder than forgiving others is the act of forgiving one's self.

I did something to hurt someone that I really care about (and no, for once I DON'T want to discuss it). We've discussed it a few times and I always remind him that I'm sorry for what happened, but can't go back and change the past and bottom line that there's nothing I can do or say about it to make it better and that all I can do is move forward. I think this has been misinterpreted as a lack of remorse or some sort of after the fact justification..... not at all. I am really sorry about the situation, and I am saddened by how it changed things, but I've also accepted that I must live in the present and I must forgive myself. I can't continue to beat myself up over something I cannot change.

Living in the past and wishing you could go back and change things is pointless. Conversely, wishing another person can go back and change what they did is pointless, too. What you can change and control, however, is how you deal with the present moment. Forgiveness is a matter of not focusing on the past, but instead focusing on the present and the future.... a shift in a relationship with time. And true forgiveness is not reverting back to the past period.... you can't say you forgive a person and be okay with them 90% of the time, but have that 10% constantly hanging over their head. That 10% still leeches into the fibers of the relationship and taints it, and ultimately destroys it.

I know this is a challenge, loved ones, but think about someone who has wronged you and make an effort to let go of the hurt, bitterness, and desire for emotional retribution. Or better yet, think of something that YOU have done to hurt someone else that you are beating yourself up over, and make efforts to accept that what is done is done and forgive yourself.

Unforgiveness is the poison you drink every day
hoping that the other person will die.

~ Debbie Ford ~

Hey.... that's ME! (a video tribute to locs)

My loctician posted a video that was put together by a woman in DC and posted on YouTube. It is a tribute to dreadlocks and features photos of various women-- both regular people and celebrities-- with beautiful locs (the video was NOT done by him or anyone affiliated with him). VERY much to my surprise, *I* am one of the women pictured in this montage! Ok, so this has nothing to do with divorce or dating or parenting (but it does have to do with love, for locs are truly a labor of love, and I love locs), but I just thought this was very cool and I'm really flattered and I just wanted to share:



And did you REALLY think I was gonna tell you which one is me?? Pshaw.... I keep my civilian life super duper uber top secret somewhat incognito for a reason. Those who know already know.

Emotional Baggage Sundays

Lemme go ahead and get this out real quick......

1. I'm starting to get really worried about my mother.... I thought she would be out of the hospital by this weekend, but I haven't heard any indication of when they're going transfer out of the ICU, let alone let her go home. She's been there for 2 full weeks now. Now they're trying to figure out why she's having a hard time eating. Seems like they're having to treat everything but the original condition she went in for. She just hasn't been taking care of herself (though I'm not one to talk.... just took my blood pressure in the mall today and it was 155/110). This time of year is especially hard on my mother (see below), which makes me worry about her more with her coming home right at holiday time. I also know I'm going to have to figure out the best way to arrange their house so that she doesn't have to go up and down the stairs because my dad's sense of logic seems to be waning over the years, and they will undoubtedly end up arguing over whether it's best to have her posted up upstairs or downstairs. I'm still worried that regardless of how we set it up, she'll disregard doctor's orders and overdo it anyway. *sigh*

2. I'm hoping Mom will be out by Thanksgiving, but Thanksgiving is going to suck regardless because there's nobody here but us (my parents, me and my kids), and she certainly is going to be in no condition to cook. My sister says she can't come for Thanksgiving because she needs to stay home and clean her house and go grocery shopping. *pause* Anyway, I think I'm going to just make a small meal myself with just the basics: turkey breast (not a whole turkey), greens, sweet potatoes, mac 'n cheese and dressing, and of course my famous sweet potato pie (ok, famous amongst my family members anyway). I actually enjoy cooking when I want to. Or perhaps we'll just end up going out to dinner (though I don't like the prospect of no leftovers). Guess I'll just make the best of it.

3. Today is the anniversary of both my grandfathers' deaths. By some terribly sick and bizarre coincidence, they both died on my dad's birthday a few years apart. I don't know why, but I've always felt like my Grandpa David represents ultimate unconditional love for me. I miss ice cream cones from McDonalds and being called his doodlebug.

4. As I mentioned, today is my dad's 60th birthday, and I'm sad because I'm too broke to do anything special. My mother wants to get him a turntable that converts vinyl records to MP3s, which is one of those things that I should be able to just go out and buy myself. I can't even go in on it, being that I'm having to borrow money from them (again) to get me by til I get paid from my contract job next month. My mom's 61st birthday was last week and I wasn't able to do anything special for her, either. In my mind I'd pictured doing real birthday parties for the both of them when they turned 60.

5. I know things are going to turn around after the first of the year, but right now I'm broke as......!!! And the more holiday ads I see, the more anxious it makes me. I should be ok by mid-December when some of my invoices get paid, but til then I'm kinda quite hurt.

That's not all, but that is all. On to proceed with the business of living, loved ones.

Divine in '09

So it looks like starting in January 2009 I will be resuming "normal" life.... yes, I WILL HAVE A JOB!! *does happy dance* After a year of worrying and uncertainty with my career, I got a job offer to work at a very progressive minority-owned firm that is growing by leaps and bounds. I'm VERY excited about the opportunities and have a very good feeling about the people and the work environment. I'm still awaiting the formal offer letter and have to sort out all the details (i.e. $$$), but I'm confident that things will work out and everything will be just fine *knock on wood*

So, I've come up with a "to do" list of things I want to do to get back up to speed and back on track once I have some regular income:

1. Pay back everyone to whom I owe money (it's just my parents and 1 friend, but still....)

2. Set up plans to pay down on all my debt and try to avoid filing bankruptcy.

3. Get all bills on automatic bill pay (INCLUDING my student loan).

4. Re-up the sexy of my Civic by repairing the front end and getting it detailed (it's too new to be looking like it does right now).

5. Buy some real bedroom furniture (tired of looking like I live in a dorm).

6. Convert Daughter's bedroom into an office/guest room.... including a desk, files, and a laptop. Son is never here, and when he is they both share "his" room anyway (which Daughter has taken over already). I've basically been paying for an extra bedroom for the baby turtle. I want my original image of how I wanted my home office to be, complete with relocating my ball python into it, a big Bettie Page poster, and a mini disco ball.

7. Clean out my closet and replenish my business/business causal wardrobe (a few trips to NY&Co. should do the trick).

8. Buy a new couch (mine is cute, but totally impractical for relaxing).

9. Put Daughter back in dance classes.

10. Get Pandora the Explorer (my ball python) a new tank set up (in the new office).

11. Set up Casey the Turtle's tank properly, complete with a filter, substrate, and a background.

12. Get carpets cleaned.

13. Start going to my locitican regularly (at least every 3 months).

14. Step up my shoe and hosiery game.

15. Start traveling more to visit friends (though with my mom's ability to go back to work for the airline being up in the air, this might be limited.... still, with the price of gas going down, I'm sure I can do a little road tripping).

16. Get both of my last 2 tattoos finished. My orchid tat actually needs about 1 more hour of work, and my dharmachakra between my shoulder blades needs..... something.... so people will quit asking me "What's up with the ship wheel?" (and my friend will stop calling me Captain Jack Sparrow). Definitely some color, and maybe adding something so that it goes from looking like THIS to something that that looks like this:

(actually, that's exactly what I want..... glad I found that hiding on my computer)

And overall, I just want to MANGE MY MONEY BETTER!!! I really think God put me through all this struggle the past year as a lesson, and I've learned that I don't need as much stuff as I thought (there will be WAY fewer impulse purchases, even off the clearance rack at Target) and that it's possible to "make it" off a lot less. I needed this "season" of my life to purge and rebuild..... the forest fire so that new life can spring forth.

2009 is my year, loved ones.... time to start living.

Geez, I was just joking.....

DISCLAIMER: The tagline on my blog is a joke. I don't advocate the unlawful termination of the life of anyone's Ex, no matter how much of an unreasonable and uncooperative ass he may be. So, don't let this happen to you:

Indianapolis woman convicted in murder-for-hire case

Jury finds woman guilty but mentally ill; she claimed entrapment

By Jon Murray
jon.murray@indystar.com

A jury Wednesday convicted an Indianapolis woman of conspiracy to commit murder in a case brought after she paid an undercover police officer to kill her ex-husband.

D'Antonette Burns, 35, was locked in a custody dispute over the couple's son. During an episode that lasted six weeks, she paid $3,000 and provided a gun to the detective before her arrest in September 2007 at Southwestway Park.

The jury returned a verdict of guilty but mentally ill. Burns faces 20 to 50 years in prison at sentencing Dec. 18.

Jurors began deliberations about 4:30 p.m. and announced their verdict about 8 p.m.

Prosecutors and her defense attorney painted starkly contrasting pictures of her mental state during the three-day trial this week before Judge Sheila A. Carlisle in Marion Superior Court.

Burns was either a cold, calculating woman hell-bent on killing her ex-husband -- or a battered woman whose vulnerability made her the perfect prey for an aggressive sting.

Her attorney, Kimberly Devane, said the sting amounted to entrapment. It began when a friend of Burns' told her ex-husband, Robert H. Mays Jr., that Burns was seeking a hit man.

Burns also pressed an insanity defense, arguing that physical abuse by Mays toward Burns and their son, Robert III, now 4, clouded her judgment and propelled her into the trap.

In testimony, Burns said the friend who alerted Mays, Jaja Endsley, was the one to suggest hiring a hit man. Once the presumed hit man called, she said, she feared he would harm her if she backed out.

"I don't know how to explain it," Burns said. "I knew it wasn't right. But then, I felt like I didn't have a choice -- like it was (Mays) or me."

Deputy Prosecutors John Keiffner and David Wyser disputed the defense claims, saying there was no concrete evidence of abuse against the boy. A judge acquitted Mays of domestic battery in a case involving Burns, and he won primary custody of their son in the divorce that ended their marriage.

Two court-appointed psychiatrists told the jury that they believed Burns, who had a history of depression, was aware of the wrongfulness of her actions.

"She knew what she was doing," Keiffner said, "and she made a choice."

Love Conquers All

The other day I went over to my parents' house to pick up Daughter and my dad was outside working in the yard. My mother has been in the hospital for the past 2 weeks, so he's just been there alone with the menagerie (dog, cat, the once stray cockatiel). I was walking to my car and he looked at me with the saddest look I've EVER seen on his face and said "I need a hug." I have never, EVER heard my dad say anything like that before, and it just hurt me to the core of my soul because I could see, hear and FEEL the sadness and fear that I know he has over my mother's condition.

I bring up my parents' relationship a lot, because.... well, your parents are your model for relationships. And my stance has been that I don't understand why they've been married for 30+ years and never ever seem to get along, and the stress and the drama are literally killing them. Last week I was trying to calm my mother down (to keep her blood pressure from going up) as she was crying about how she was convinced that my dad didn't care that she was sick. *sigh* Frustrating.....

Why in the heck would my dad put up with this for all these years?? That's what I always ask myself. But I think I got my answer Tuesday: It's just Love. He loves my mother to death, despite all her antics and anger and accusations. He told me once years ago that he made a promise to my grandfather that he would take care of his oldest daughter and grandchild and that he intended to never go back on that. But even aside from his word to my grandpa, I could tell standing in that driveway that the answer was love. Love makes you do stupid things, put up with stupid things, and perform stupid superhuman feats that make absolutely no sense to the outside world. Love. Conquers. All.

(... which I think is what caused things to go awry in my marriage. I just didn't love him anymore. There was no glue, so all the crazy pieces fell apart. I guess.)

Another lesson in jurisdiction - Parenting Edition

Previously I discussed the concept of jurisdiction as it relates to dating and relationships..... well, jurisdiction has surfaced once again, this time in the context of 2 household parenting.

Just in case you forgot (or didn't read... shame on you), here's the definition of jurisdiction:

ju·ris·dic·tion /ˌdʒʊərɪsˈdɪkʃən/ [joor-is-dik-shuhn] –noun

1. the right, power, or authority to administer justice by hearing and determining controversies.
2. power; authority; control: He has jurisdiction over all American soldiers in the area.
3. the extent or range of judicial, law enforcement, or other authority: This case comes under the jurisdiction of the local police.
4. the territory over which authority is exercised: All islands to the northwest are his jurisdiction.

The Background: Recently Son got into an altercation with The Ex's girlfriend's daughter (which I think she was/is being manipulative of both Son and The Ex, but that's not my business, except it pisses me off that The Ex always sides against my Son, as he's done his entire life), and as punishment The Ex took Son's cell phone away. I called The Ex and told him to please return Son's cell phone to him because 1) I don't like Son out without a phone, 2) I need to be able to get a hold of him whenever I want and need to, and 3) I'm 100% paying for the phone. However, I made it clear that I was NOT trying to undermine his punishment of Son, and that the only reason I wanted him to have the phone was so he could make necessary calls (i.e. to parents, not to friends) and not text.... I even offered to pull up use records so he could keep track. After some back and forth arguing, he agreed to give Son his phone back for that limited purpose (he never asked for the records.... that woulda been too much work on his part to try and keep track of).

So Sunday when The Ex came to pick up Son, he said something to me about Son staying the night at his friend's house the night before. I looked at him bewildered, not sure what the problem was. He said that Son still on punishment and he'd told him not to stay the night at anyone's house that weekend (i.e. MY weekend). I didn't realize he still had Son still on punishment for the incident the week before. The Ex got mad, saying he thought I wasn't going to undermine his punishment. However, I told him that really didn't matter to me, because Son was not on punishment for anything that went on in my household..... that his jurisdiction was separate from my jurisdiction.

Now, when you are married (or some other form of relationship when you are together) I am a firm believer that each parent should support the other parent's discipline decisions and not undermine the other's authority. When I was married, even if I didn't agree with a particular punishment, I would NOT express this in front of my kids or overturn it; instead I would talk to my husband in private about why I disagreed, but the kids would NEVER know that I disagreed. I liken this to federal jurisdiction...... everyone in the country is subject to federal jurisdiction, and no matter what the law is in each state, if you violate a federal law you're just HIT (ex. medical marijuana laws.... the sticky icky is still in violation of federal law).

But now that I'm a single parent, jurisdiction has changed. Now it's more like States' rights:


States' rights pl.n.

1. All rights not delegated to the federal government by the Constitution nor denied by it to the states.
2. The political position advocating strict interpretation of the Constitution with regard to the limitation of federal powers and the extension of the autonomy of the individual state to the greatest possible degree.

"[E]xtension of autonomy of the individual state to the greatest possible degree." I am now in individual state, and the only laws I'm concerned about are the laws in MY state. Sure, there will be laws that overlap.... let's say that The Ex had Son on punishment for bad grades (which is OBVIOUSLY not applicable). Bad grades would also warrant punishment in my household (i.e. would be a violation of my laws). But that overlap is not always going to be there. And when it's not, I'm not going to enforce the laws in The Ex's jurisdiction.

So going back to Son's punishment..... first off, I didn't know he was told not to spend the night at anyone's house. The Ex did not communicate this to me and instead left it to the discretion of a 14 year old to enforce his own punishment, which is stupid. Secondly, if Son violated The Ex's punishment, that's for The Ex to enforce, not me. If I had agreed that Son needed to be punished for what he did, then I would have instituted my own punishment..... that was not the case here.

(The Ex even threatened to make it so Son could not stay with me at all.... this is the kind of dumb ish he says. I made it quite clear that he is never, EVER to make such a threat to me ever again.... he must've got the point because he didn't respond. Don't fuck with momma bear....)

Perhaps I'm wrong here.... I don't know. I make this stuff up as I go along. But I just don't feel like The Ex deserves the same level of deference that he did when we were married. Our parenting styles have never been identical, but now I feel that now that I'm solo that I have the freedom to institute my parenting style as I see fit (within reason.... I know the importance of consistency of discipline, but I'm also free to disagree with his judgment now). He no longer has authority in my jurisdiction.... not in dating, and not in parenting, either.

And the daddy tomato said "ketchup"

I've had a lot of things on my mind, loved ones, and haven't had much time to sit down and write written anything lately, so I just wanted to do a quick rundown of the happenings as of late, and maybe I'll come back and expound upon some of them in a true post:

1. My mother has been in the coronary ICU for the past week with a tear in the lining of her aorta. Yes, it is as painful as it sounds. I'm extremely worried about her recovery because the tear was caused by sustained high blood pressure (she jokes that she had a "blow out"). Problem is that she stays so angry all the time! And this anger is usually directed toward my dad, who is not a bad guy in the least bit, yet she still finds fault with everything he does and every way he chooses to do it. Yes, he's a bit of a weirdo at times (more so as he gets older) but nothing outright malicious. I've talked about this before, but I just don't understand the utility of staying married for 30+ years when it is literally killing you. I'm sure this is a topic I'll come back to later......

2. My sisters came to visit this weekend (because of Mom) and brought their kids.... my oldest sister (soon to be 39) has a 4 year old daughter and my next oldest sister (33) has two boys, ages 3 years and 4 months (yes, I am the baby sis at 30, and I have the freshman and 4th grader..... *shrug* ish happens). For some reason, everyone but my oldest sister ended up staying in my 1400 sq. ft. apartment instead of my parents' 3000+ sq. ft. house (I think because I have better beds, and my niece and nephew are CRAZY about their older cousins). By the end of the weekend I was a little frazzled, but I enjoyed playing with the baby (maybe I'll rethink the "no more kids" stance.... hey, I'm only 30). They actually met my "boyfriend" (is that what we're calling him? That's what my sister called him, so we'll roll with it) briefly and were cool about it. Though they did make growling noises and claw motions at me, calling me a cougar. Hey, it's only a 2.5 year age difference, and he's still older than our "little" brother.... even if it is only by a few weeks..... Anyway, I had to sneak out my own apartment to go visit him Saturday night, but I didn't stay long because all I could think about was walking back through my door and seeing my deacon brother-in-law sitting up in the living room with the baby or some ish like that. I'm still the little sister, so I still hold on to some older sibling fear.

3. [I wish there were a corollary to the term "lady friend" for males, because I like that phrase. "Gentleman caller" sounds like a serial killer and/or john. So let's just say....] My dude invited me to his company holiday dinner. *cheesing hard* I told my BFFs that I don't really regard this as a "major" step, but rather a material one. I won't go into the lawyer nerd lingo distinction between "major" and "material" here (it's a quantity vs. quality thing), but I will just say that it's something important to me. So now for the next month I will obsess over what I should wear (what "look" I should go for, since I'm quite multi-faceted), attempt to "tighten up" the physique, and will probably be motivated to make that appointment with my loctician that I've been putting off for 2 years way too long, since he and one other guy in the office are the only ones bringing "dates" and everyone else is in longer term relationships. I gotta put my best foot forward to make him look good. Fortunately, I clean up well.

4. I've been kickin it with my beau (I like that one) for almost 6 months now. Man how time flies. We've come quite a ways from our first...uh...."date". Perhaps we ought to go have some Grateful Deads in a few weeks to celebrate. *rolls on floor laughing* I really like the ease and laid back nature of things and how we can still each have our own things but still have our time together. And there has been no violent opposition from our respective kids....I was really just worried about my Son, because 7 and 9 year olds like everyone. But I think its also because we maintain a good balance with the boundaries (like, for example, I haven't moved my kids into a new person's house... but I digress).

Well, that's the rundown for now. I'll have more material for your reading pleasure in a few, loved ones.

Logophilia...what turns me on

As I've stated before, I LOVE words. Apparently, so does James Lipton. Interesting commentary on the power and passion of words.

(I know this has nothing to do with divorce or dating, but it relates to love, so there you go)

I must be doing SOMETHING right....

My #1 consideration in deciding whether or not to go ahead and get divorced was not love, or finding happiness, or money, but rather how it would affect my kids. If it hadn't been for my concern about my children, I probably would have been out of that relationship a LONG time ago (if I were even in it at all.... but that's another philosophical debate for another day). My biggest fear was that I was going to mess my children up for LIFE..... all the positive progress I'd made with them shaping them into decent human beings would be out the window. I was scared they'd become academic probation, juvenile delinquent, need to go to Maury bad teen boot camp messes.

But alas, that seems not to be the case. *knocks on wood* After their first semester of the new school year--their first semester after the finalization of the divorce and the new living arrangements set in-- I've received some indication that they are adjusting fairly well to the changes in our lives. While it's not the end all be all, I think academic performance is a good litmus test of how kids are doing because when things are bad with kids, it's usually reflected in their grades. So here it goes:

Son (first semester of high school, and at a private high school at that):
World History (honors)............. A-
Spanish II.............................. B+
Theology................................ A-
Algebra I (honors).................... A+ (!!!)
Modern Technology.................. A
English 9 (honor)...................... B-

(For a 4.084 GPA (out of 4.0)!!!)

Daughter (4th grade, where things start becoming more challenging and expectations are ramped up):
Social Science.......................... A-
Reading................................... A
Spelling................................... A
Writing.................................... A
Math........................................ A
Spanish.................................... A

(keep in mind that Daughter lives with me *pats self on back*)

I am SO pleased and SO proud of my children. I really needed this validation and indication of their well-being right now, particularly considering the fact that the Ex constantly tries to paint me as a lackluster parent, which I know that I am NOT (hateration and sour grapes... that's all it is.... he has no other basis for the assertion, though it still bothers me for some reason.......perhaps because of my non-traditional nature).

But let me step back and put on my Bigger Person shoes..... I say I must be doing something right, but for all my complaints and disagreements, I have to backtrack and say WE must be doing something right. I will not be like the Ex and take sole credit for the positive parenting of our children, because they are influenced by the both of us.

(Although, I will take genetic credit for my kids smarticles, cuz it SHO didn't come from him......I can show you the academic transcripts to prove it)

Aligning the Stars

This past weekend I had a.... uh.... discussion regarding compatibility and the stars. No, not Hollywood stars......astrology stars. Now, I'm not a big huge believer in astrology (I don't ask people what their sign is when I meet them) but I do have to admit that some of the stuff is uncannily on point and I will let it nudge me in certain directions that I seem to be already headed. Case in point... my overview for yesterday:

Your emotional side is almost completely exposed right now and it's all too easy to get riled up over small frustrations. Try to let people know you're dealing with more stress than they can see.
(yes I am rather riled up right now, I do have a lot of latent stress.... my mom's in the hospital, Son is having issues with the Ex and the living arrangement, relationship issues, money issues, health issues, been sleeping too much....and on and on)

I actually prefer Chinese astrology because I feel it's more accurate (in my case anyway). I would have to say that I'm about 87% Cancer and 98.9% Horse.

Anyway, I've also been overdosing on dating and relationship related blogs, and one topic that comes up all the time concerns lists/standards/requirements/tests for finding a potential mate. So being the consummate smart ass that I am, I decided to figure out my exact perfect mate based on all the factors that I've been reading about lately. Here's what I've come up with:

I need a man who is age 38, 34, 26, or 22 (Tigers and Dogs.... tho I did read that I would have great sexual chemistry with a man who is age 44, 32 or 20.... Dragons) with a birthday that falls between February 19 and March 20 (Pisces) or October 23rd and November 21 (Scorpio). (Apparently I should have consulted the star charts before getting married, because Capricorns are on my least compatible list because they are "too simple and very unrefined"..... boy is THAT an understatement.) He can't be a Mixed Messenger, but can be any of the other 15 OkCupid Dating Persona Types (though Playboys are told to avoid me, so perhaps I should avoid them as well). If he's had, say, 20 sex partners, no more than 9 of those could have been jumpoffs (cuz otherwise he's a slore).

Some other requirements to throw into the mix:

• Must be a Harry Potter, Napoleon Dynamite, Juno, and Knocked Up fan (so he doesn't get frustrated at all random movie references I make..... "Tina! Come get some ham!")
• His top 5 favorite songs cannot include anything by Plies, Soulja Boy, or anyone who presently or formerly had the prefix "Lil" in front of his name (cuz we can't hang out and listen to real hip hop.... but of course, there are at least 17 exceptions to that, I'm sure)
• Splenda must be his favorite sweetener (no Equal or Sweet n Low), and turkey bacon is a must
• And..... and......

I'm really sick of all this.... all these dumb ass tests and rules and lists and their fifty-'leven exceptions. Example.... today's post on Very Smart Brothas is the "Wifey Test", one of which consists of "morning attractiveness"...... GTFOHWTBS!! Can't we just find someone we like and roll with it?? Guess not.

I don't have any answers..... I don't know what rules apply and what don't. I'm just kind of lost out here right now. Sorry, no pearls of wisdom today, loved ones.......