Adventures in Divorce

I always wondered why people who murdered their spouses didn't just get a divorce.... I now understand why

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Location: Nap Town, Indie-anne-ahhhhhh!, United States

No, I'm not a prophetess. Cassandra, according to Greek mythology, spurned the advances of the Greek god Apollo and her gift of prophecy was cursed so that her predictions would never be believed. Such is my life. I tend not to think like most people, which is a gift... but also a curse. So step into my mind, take off your shoes and stay for awhile... you're always welcome, loved ones.

December 28, 2008

Emotional Baggage Sundays: The Ex-Factor

As my body struggles to recover from processing last nights' libations, my mind starts creeping off into dark and disused corners, nosing around where it doesn't belong.... yes, it starts poking around in the Emotional Baggage.

Let me pause and explain what Emotional Baggage means to me. Emotional Baggage is the stuff I pack up and store away in the attic of my brain. It's like the old toys you don't play with anymore that sit in your mom's basement, packed up, abandoned and forgotten (for the most part). I don't carry around my Emotional Baggage.... I listened to Erykah when she told me to put that ish down or I'd miss my bus ("You can't hurry up, cuz you got too much stuff....."). But some days, like today, some of that baggage falls out the attic, down the stairs and bonks me on the head..... usually when I'm feeling physically and/or emotionally crappy (e.g. when I'm hungover).

So what brought about today's Emotional Baggage moment? Ok, so I was admittedly doing a little e-stalking (yes, we all do it... you know you sometimes take a gander at an ex's Facebook/MySpace/Twitter page)..... ok, so I wouldn't even call it STALKING, just masochistic curious peeking via Twitter (Twitter.... the newest place for sneaky peeky spying) and noticed in his photo that he had on a piece of jewelry that looked very similar to a piece I'd given him as a gift. I knew at some point he'd broken it, so that had me wondering if he'd actually cared enough to get it fixed or was this just something new to take its place? I allowed myself to ponder this for a little while, allowed my mind to poke through the old Emotional Baggage trunks, then closed it up again and shoved it back into the attic.

This made me think about last weekend when I was out with my beau and his roomie at our usual spot, and I had an Ex Encounter with this individual. I thought I was cool about it.... we didn't even exchange any words.... but on the ride home I was told that it was apparent that the situation bothered me. Which, if I'm really honest with myself, it did..... but more so because I don't like being on bad terms with people even if I never interact with them anymore.... I'd rather just be at peace with the person and we each go on about our respective lives without wishing ill on each other. Unfortunately, I'm not good at masking my emotions (even though I'm simultaneously good at masking what's on my mind) so he was able to pick up on it. Then he asked me the question whose philosophical implications have been the crux of my EBS ruminations for the day: So do you still have feelings for this dude?

Honest answer: Yes.

But that's not the end of discussion. The real question for me is: But what does that really MEAN?

Honest to blog answer: Not a damn thing.

First of all, what are we really talking about when we use the word "feelings"? Yes, I still care about this person as a human being. But do I want or feel the need to be with him? No. It's more of a benevolent feeling as opposed to a longing one. So my "feelings" for this person don't mean that I wish our "relationship" (or whatever it was) would resume. I know it's over and done. It's just a fact of life that relationships end, and they don't always end because the individuals involved don't care about each other.... it takes more than love to make a relationship work. And just because a relationship ends doesn't mean the associated feelings simultaneously end. Even when a relationship ends in a fiery inferno of hatred badly, there are often some form of lingering feelings there (because the opposite of love is NOT hate.... it's indifference). So where does this leave you when you decide to move on? Are we supposed to wait until the feelings for the old person have fully dissipated before doing so? My stance on this is no, we should not. Of course, there's some level of healing that must occur.... if you're still reading old e-mails daily, habitually gazing at old pictures, hitting them up for booty calls and CONSTANTLY thinking about the person every single day, then yea, maybe it's best to wait and let your heart recover a bit. But if you know in your heart of hearts that it's over and done, then I don't think we should be required to be held hostage to old feelings and be required to put life on hold until those feelings for that person are 100% gone. So long as we are not acting upon those feelings, I think people should be given a little leeway in this department. We're human after all. "Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions."-- David Borenstein. I don't see myself as holding on to the past, but rather acknowledging and respecting it's existence and it's role, but I also permit myself to move on and seek my happiness.

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4 Comments:

Anonymous Jaded said...

I don't think we should be required to be held hostage to old feelings and be required to put life on hold until those feelings for that person are 100% gone.

well said...

December 30, 2008 at 12:56 AM  
Anonymous blackwomenblowthetrumpet.blogspot.com said...

Hi! {waves}

Your post touches upon many discussions that we have had at my blog...and in particular the discussion we had about the mind and what we permit to reside in our minds.

Everything in your mind has been given permission by YOU. No one else.

I could write more but it would be tooooo long! (smiles)

I really stopped by just to say "Happy New Year"!!

Peace, blessings and DUNAMIS!
Lisa


"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."
~ God
(as recorded in the Book of Isaiah 43:18-19)

December 31, 2008 at 10:29 AM  
Anonymous KPrice said...

Very well said. Personally, I don't think that the 'feelings' ever truly disappear, just change form. And you're right, it doesn't always mean that you still long to be with that person.You should never put your life on hold due to resolved feelings. If they are unresolved, that's a different story.

Happy New Year!

January 1, 2009 at 2:50 PM  
Anonymous Adande said...

"I don't see myself as holding on to the past, but rather acknowledging and respecting it's existence and it's role, but I also permit myself to move on and seek my happiness. "

that is a perfectly worded version of the random thoughts that run through my head. People are afraid of the truth when it is not the fairy tale we convinced ourselves it should be. thoughts and emotions are not dangerous because they exist; they become dangerous because of how we choose to/or not to act them out... kudos to you sista!

January 14, 2009 at 11:44 PM  

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Adventures in Divorce: Emotional Baggage Sundays: The Ex-Factor

Emotional Baggage Sundays: The Ex-Factor

As my body struggles to recover from processing last nights' libations, my mind starts creeping off into dark and disused corners, nosing around where it doesn't belong.... yes, it starts poking around in the Emotional Baggage.

Let me pause and explain what Emotional Baggage means to me. Emotional Baggage is the stuff I pack up and store away in the attic of my brain. It's like the old toys you don't play with anymore that sit in your mom's basement, packed up, abandoned and forgotten (for the most part). I don't carry around my Emotional Baggage.... I listened to Erykah when she told me to put that ish down or I'd miss my bus ("You can't hurry up, cuz you got too much stuff....."). But some days, like today, some of that baggage falls out the attic, down the stairs and bonks me on the head..... usually when I'm feeling physically and/or emotionally crappy (e.g. when I'm hungover).

So what brought about today's Emotional Baggage moment? Ok, so I was admittedly doing a little e-stalking (yes, we all do it... you know you sometimes take a gander at an ex's Facebook/MySpace/Twitter page)..... ok, so I wouldn't even call it STALKING, just masochistic curious peeking via Twitter (Twitter.... the newest place for sneaky peeky spying) and noticed in his photo that he had on a piece of jewelry that looked very similar to a piece I'd given him as a gift. I knew at some point he'd broken it, so that had me wondering if he'd actually cared enough to get it fixed or was this just something new to take its place? I allowed myself to ponder this for a little while, allowed my mind to poke through the old Emotional Baggage trunks, then closed it up again and shoved it back into the attic.

This made me think about last weekend when I was out with my beau and his roomie at our usual spot, and I had an Ex Encounter with this individual. I thought I was cool about it.... we didn't even exchange any words.... but on the ride home I was told that it was apparent that the situation bothered me. Which, if I'm really honest with myself, it did..... but more so because I don't like being on bad terms with people even if I never interact with them anymore.... I'd rather just be at peace with the person and we each go on about our respective lives without wishing ill on each other. Unfortunately, I'm not good at masking my emotions (even though I'm simultaneously good at masking what's on my mind) so he was able to pick up on it. Then he asked me the question whose philosophical implications have been the crux of my EBS ruminations for the day: So do you still have feelings for this dude?

Honest answer: Yes.

But that's not the end of discussion. The real question for me is: But what does that really MEAN?

Honest to blog answer: Not a damn thing.

First of all, what are we really talking about when we use the word "feelings"? Yes, I still care about this person as a human being. But do I want or feel the need to be with him? No. It's more of a benevolent feeling as opposed to a longing one. So my "feelings" for this person don't mean that I wish our "relationship" (or whatever it was) would resume. I know it's over and done. It's just a fact of life that relationships end, and they don't always end because the individuals involved don't care about each other.... it takes more than love to make a relationship work. And just because a relationship ends doesn't mean the associated feelings simultaneously end. Even when a relationship ends in a fiery inferno of hatred badly, there are often some form of lingering feelings there (because the opposite of love is NOT hate.... it's indifference). So where does this leave you when you decide to move on? Are we supposed to wait until the feelings for the old person have fully dissipated before doing so? My stance on this is no, we should not. Of course, there's some level of healing that must occur.... if you're still reading old e-mails daily, habitually gazing at old pictures, hitting them up for booty calls and CONSTANTLY thinking about the person every single day, then yea, maybe it's best to wait and let your heart recover a bit. But if you know in your heart of hearts that it's over and done, then I don't think we should be required to be held hostage to old feelings and be required to put life on hold until those feelings for that person are 100% gone. So long as we are not acting upon those feelings, I think people should be given a little leeway in this department. We're human after all. "Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions."-- David Borenstein. I don't see myself as holding on to the past, but rather acknowledging and respecting it's existence and it's role, but I also permit myself to move on and seek my happiness.

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