Aligning the Stars

This past weekend I had a.... uh.... discussion regarding compatibility and the stars. No, not Hollywood stars......astrology stars. Now, I'm not a big huge believer in astrology (I don't ask people what their sign is when I meet them) but I do have to admit that some of the stuff is uncannily on point and I will let it nudge me in certain directions that I seem to be already headed. Case in point... my overview for yesterday:

Your emotional side is almost completely exposed right now and it's all too easy to get riled up over small frustrations. Try to let people know you're dealing with more stress than they can see.
(yes I am rather riled up right now, I do have a lot of latent stress.... my mom's in the hospital, Son is having issues with the Ex and the living arrangement, relationship issues, money issues, health issues, been sleeping too much....and on and on)

I actually prefer Chinese astrology because I feel it's more accurate (in my case anyway). I would have to say that I'm about 87% Cancer and 98.9% Horse.

Anyway, I've also been overdosing on dating and relationship related blogs, and one topic that comes up all the time concerns lists/standards/requirements/tests for finding a potential mate. So being the consummate smart ass that I am, I decided to figure out my exact perfect mate based on all the factors that I've been reading about lately. Here's what I've come up with:

I need a man who is age 38, 34, 26, or 22 (Tigers and Dogs.... tho I did read that I would have great sexual chemistry with a man who is age 44, 32 or 20.... Dragons) with a birthday that falls between February 19 and March 20 (Pisces) or October 23rd and November 21 (Scorpio). (Apparently I should have consulted the star charts before getting married, because Capricorns are on my least compatible list because they are "too simple and very unrefined"..... boy is THAT an understatement.) He can't be a Mixed Messenger, but can be any of the other 15 OkCupid Dating Persona Types (though Playboys are told to avoid me, so perhaps I should avoid them as well). If he's had, say, 20 sex partners, no more than 9 of those could have been jumpoffs (cuz otherwise he's a slore).

Some other requirements to throw into the mix:

• Must be a Harry Potter, Napoleon Dynamite, Juno, and Knocked Up fan (so he doesn't get frustrated at all random movie references I make..... "Tina! Come get some ham!")
• His top 5 favorite songs cannot include anything by Plies, Soulja Boy, or anyone who presently or formerly had the prefix "Lil" in front of his name (cuz we can't hang out and listen to real hip hop.... but of course, there are at least 17 exceptions to that, I'm sure)
• Splenda must be his favorite sweetener (no Equal or Sweet n Low), and turkey bacon is a must
• And..... and......

I'm really sick of all this.... all these dumb ass tests and rules and lists and their fifty-'leven exceptions. Example.... today's post on Very Smart Brothas is the "Wifey Test", one of which consists of "morning attractiveness"...... GTFOHWTBS!! Can't we just find someone we like and roll with it?? Guess not.

I don't have any answers..... I don't know what rules apply and what don't. I'm just kind of lost out here right now. Sorry, no pearls of wisdom today, loved ones.......