MILF Status: Earned, not Given

I think everyone in the free world (and a few in the oppressed one) know what the term "MILF" is. Made popular by the classic comedy, American Pie, MILF stands for the less than elegant title of, "Mom I'd Like To F*ck." It is used to refer to a woman who, although she is a mother, is still very sexy.  I see the term thrown around a lot by mothers of all ages; however when it comes to the term MILF, I am a purist that sticks to the true original spirit of the term from the movie: teenage boys standing around lusting after Stiffler's Mom. However, I've been more than slightly annoyed by what I believe is misuse and abuse of the term by those who have not yet earned the right to be called a MILF.

Stiffler's Mom: The original MILF

This may piss some moms out there off, but if your oldest child is not at least a teenager, you cannot truly call yourself a MILF. If it is only grown ass men who are lusting after you and you happen to be a mother, you are not a MILF. A MILF in training, yes, but not a full fledged, fully vested MILF.  The status of MILF is one that is earned, not bestowed merely because you had a child. MILFs stand the test of time and say to the world "Yes, after 16 years of the stress, drama, drinking and work of raising this child, I still look fucking awesome." It makes me mad when I see some woman with a 2 year old calling herself a MILF. No. Stop. Of course it is easy to still look good two years after you had a kid. I looked fucking awesome at 18 and 22. And yes, grown men are still going to find you attractive and want to have sex with you regardless of how old your kids are (or aren't). That's pretty much a no brainer. The ruler measuring MILF status is not held by your peers, but by your kids' peers. Going by the original, American Pie standard of what is considered a MILF, it is a woman who is so beautiful and/or sexy that she arouses the desires of teenage boys, teenage boys who are around perfect specimens of young females every single day.
 

Let me stop and throw out some disclaimers here. You should not throw yourself at young UNDERAGE boys. Flirting with them, buying them things, purposefully being scantily clad around them is NOT cool. It makes you look like a thirsty old pedophile skeezer and can backfire terribly if you have misjudged your MILF status. Even if you are attractive, it is not a good look. In fact, you should never even have occasion to learn of your successful induction into the secret society of MILFs directly from the source, but rather by subtle hints picked up from your own teenager, such as him being overly critical of your attire when you're going to be around his friends, or telling you that he almost had to beat his teammate's ass for staring or commenting about your appearance. You should not seek to test your MILF status (or lack thereof) by preying on UNDERAGE boys. That's just nasty. MILF status should remain a theoretical concept, not an actual one. That being said, I think MILF status can extend generally to any woman who has teenage (and up) kids who does not look like she has teenage children, regardless of whether any teens have expressed actual desire or not. But the key here is still the fact that your appearance and sex appeal have lasted (or improved) throughout the years and you have not turned into someone resembling Bleeker's mom from Juno ("Bleeker's mom was possibly attractive once, but now she looks like a Hobbit. You know, the fat one, that was in the Goonies.").

NOT a MILF

I realize that I may have a slight advantage over most other mothers of 16 year olds, being that I am only 15.7 years older than my Son. And to that I say…. tough crap, sorry for ya, and I am quite sure if given the opportunity to switch places with me, you wouldn't. This is my consolation prize for giving up my youth, the fact that I will still look good when my son leaves for college while all my other friends will be mere hopeful MILFs-in-training that will be in their late 40s when they finally become eligible for MILF status, as opposed to me being in my early 30s at the start of my eligibility. C'est la vie.

However, there is one disadvantage to being a young MILF: while your teenager's friends may be eyeing you, your teenager may be eyeing your friends. I have friends who are only about 10 years older than my Son. To put this into perspective, a good friend of mine is about to marry a guy 9 years her junior. My Son has actually threatened me in a joking-but-not-so-joking manner that after he turns 18, if I make him mad he would "pursue" one my friends to get back at me. I would laugh this off but my Son is built like a grown ass man, and once he's legal, well, there's not much I can do about him and who he chooses to be involved with. Not that I think he would actually do it, nor do I think my friends would risk death by acquiescing. But the mere possibility is enough to make me squirm in my seat a bit.  However, no matter how old you are, there may always be another MILF out there serving your son and his friends nachos with her boobies hoisted up in her not-so-tightly tied silk robe..... watch out. 

So all you mothers of preschoolers out there..... have patience, your time is coming.  All that training will pay off one day, sooner than you think.

We can't be friends

Well, I tried. Tried being the bigger person, tried to be friendly, tried to make the adjustment to this newest Adventure in Divorce as easy as possible, but it ended up blowing up in my face. I made the grave mistake of attempting to be friendly to Baby Momma #2.

A few weeks ago I read a blog post about how befriending your ex’s new woman and/or ex is a really bad idea. I admit the post had some very valid points which I filed away in my mental filing cabinet. However, also stored in my mental filing cabinet were points made on one of my favorite divorce/blended family websites, Today’s Modern Family, where the ladies have talked about how being friendly toward your ex’s new mate is an ideal situation for the children because there is less tension and animosity that they have to deal with. Being the sucker nice person I am, I opted for the second route while still being mindful of the pitfalls of the first.

At the time it seemed like The Ex was trying to make a go at having a relationship with Baby Momma #2 (hereinafter BM 2.0). She was always around, there were Master Lab photos of them with Lil Meech on Facebook, and for all intents and purposes they looked like a couple and it seemed she was not going anywhere any time soon. So when she would come to Son’s football games with Lil Meech I would say hi, come over and play with the baby, and even sit with her when The Ex ditched her to go watch the game with the other football parents (because I hated when he used to do that to me). We never really talked much, just basic chit chat pleasantries. I mainly just didn’t want Mini-Me to have to run from one end of the stands to the other in order to spend time with me and her baby brother, and admittedly I wanted to play with the baby. I even bought Lil Meech a handmade bear hat, partly as a peace offering and partly to support my friend’s business, Issaino (she makes great custom handmade crochet items), and partly because I believe every baby should have one of those bear hats.

It was actually the bear hat that kicked off my descent into the mouth of madness. I was at a football game and BM 2.0 wanted to share a picture of Lil Meech in the bear hat with me, so I gave her my number so she could send it via picture mail. No big deal. I had no intentions of every calling her or otherwise hearing from her. (Mistake #1) Then I few weeks later I get a text from her out of the blue with her asking if she could send me a friend request on Facebook, which I was a wee bit wary of but because of my stance on Facebook I figured it couldn’t hurt. The texts then lead to a conversation where she is telling me all about how badly his ex-girlfriend (the one she ousted) talks about her and the baby, and then about how the ex-girlfriend has talked badly about me, and so on and so forth. I didn’t really give much by way of info and kept my responses pretty basic, but I should have never entertained that conversation in the first place. (Mistake #2)

It is well known that all good things must come to an end, and all bad things come to an end even sooner. Long story short, she and The Ex get into it, something to do with him talking to and supposedly getting back with his ousted ex-girlfriend, BM 2.0 getting stuck here in town after her car got wrecked and staying with The Ex, and a whole lot of other dramatic antics that I had to hear about from Mini-Me and my own dad (yea, don’t ask). I then started noticing a form of female “reindeer games” on Facebook that I have termed “pissing on people’s pages” similar to how animals mark their territory. She would comment on pictures I had of the kids and Lil Meech with how much of a daddy’s boy he was and how his daddy loves him, then would tag Mini-Me on pictures of the baby and The Ex talking about how much she loved the two of them, then left comments on Mini-Me’s page and The Ex’s mother’s page about us seeing the baby, even mentioning that I had come over to visit (I was picking up Mini-Me and stopped in for 15 minutes, 10 of which was spent trying to console Mini-Me because BM 2.0 and The Ex had been fighting). The tactic was so transparent: she was obviously trying to get to the ex-girlfriend via her friends, i.e. my daughter and The Ex’s mother.*

(*For those not well versed in how Facebook works, when a person is tagged in a photo it shows up in their friends’ news feeds, even if they are not friends with the person who posted the photo. So, using the situation above, BM 2.0 takes a photo of Lil Meech and The Ex sleeping and notes in the caption that it’s 10am on a Wednesday and tags Mini-Me in said photo, even though she is nowhere in sight. The photo shows up in Mini-Me’s friends’ timelines (which includes the ex-girlfriend) and when viewed conveys a myriad of information: 1) BM 2.0 is in town, at The Ex’s place during the week when she should be at home in the next state; 2) How much she just LOVES the both of them and how much she LOVES taking care of them; and 3) A reminder slap in the face that he has a new baby with another woman in the first place. A similar marking of territory occurs with wall posts. Yes, Facebook was designed by the devil’s mistress.)

I was starting to get a bit annoyed by the use of my daughter’s Facebook account as a means of throwing jabs at the ex-girlfriend, but I figured I would just monitor the situation and say something to The Ex if necessary. But then BM 2.0 crossed all the way over the line, set up camp and posted a flag in my shit. First I get a text asking if my mother could get BM 2.0 a ticket to go to The Ex’s grandmother’s funeral….not from The Ex, but from BM 2.0 herself (I’m almost positive that The Ex had NO intention of her going). I called my mother to ask her about it and that’s when I got the earful about the insane events between BM 2.0 and The Ex that week that had Mini-Me so upset. Then the next day I get a text from her telling me things between her and The Ex were over and that he was going back to the ex-girlfriend, and I responded by wishing her the best and conveyed Mini-Me’s concerns about seeing her baby brother. That’s when things started getting messy and ugly. She starts telling me about all these “secrets” about our marriage and divorce that The Ex supposedly told her in confidence, the coup de grace being that he had slept with my (former) BFF of 10 years in high school and he had never told ANYONE about it. She acted as if she was doing me a favor by sharing all this info with me, but she did not appreciate how truly reckless and hurtful these lies were because she did not know the whole history of that situation, but needless to say I was LIVID. It ripped open some old wounds from my marriage that I had already healed over and I had done my best to forget about. I lost it (textually…. at work I was outwardly calm) and ended up in a triangular text battle with her and The Ex all morning, basically telling them to leave me the fuck alone and out of their mess. I did not know who was lying or who was telling the truth so I was just mad at everyone (kind of like how your mom gave you and all your siblings a whooping when nobody would fess up). All I knew was that I was fed up and angry at being used as a pawn, angry that my children had to be subject to the stress of their fighting and not knowing if or when they would see their brother again, and angry over getting dragged into their mess, a mess that The Ex created with his utter carelessness and inability to manage his own life.

After I had calmed down, I realized that this woman was just using me as a pawn because she was mad at The Ex and wanted me to be mad at him, too. She wanted an ally, someone who hated him just as much as she did (at that moment in time). Because it was Shark Week (i.e. PMS time) I let my emotions get the best of me and let myself get dragged into it. (Mistake #3) I later got some info from the kids that let me know I needed to stay far, far away from The Ex’s mess with this woman. After that I took her and her daughter off my Facebook friend list so that I could go back my arm’s length dealings with her, civil and cordial but that is it. I got a text from her after that about taking her off my friends’ list and her accusing me of never being on her “side” to which I had to respond that this was never about sides and I was not friendly toward her just to be able to engage in ex bashing sessions, that it was always about the kids. I have not heard from her since.

I am really not sure what to take away from all this besides reinforcement of the notion of being more cautious of people. I am a person who tries not to involve innocent people (and especially innocent children) in my problems and use them as pawns, so I sometimes take for granted that others are not so considerate and often have agendas that are not in my best interest, even when the agenda really has nothing to do with me. I was really trying to be a decent Baby Momma #1 ex-wife, not one of those nightmare exes that people talk shit about, but rather one that has moved on with her life and does not feel the need to reach back and make people’s lives hell. I tried being nice, tried being supportive, tried to not be a hindrance to a relationship between my kids and their baby brother and it came back to bite me in the arse.  I feel like she took advantage of my kindness and attempted to use it as leverage against The Ex. I am not one to be used, and I certainly will not allow my children to be used. *momma bear roar*

I really hope BM 2.0 can work something out with The Ex so that he and the kids can have a relationship with Lil Meech, but based on what I have heard and experienced in these past few days, unfortunately I am not very hopeful that she will be mature enough to put her differences aside and put the kids’ interests first (after all, she left her other kids behind in the next state to chase after a man who obviously does not want her). I told her I hope we can be civil and cordial and that Lil Meech is always welcome to visit his sister and brother while with me, but that I had to protect my emotional well being by distancing myself from her and her drama with The Ex. Ultimately, I have to accept that facilitating a relationship between the kids is not my responsibility. I cannot control the actions of two adults who cannot sort things out between themselves. We can be civil, but obviously we can’t be friends.

Mine!

I'm almost this happy.

One thing I always emphasize about divorce is that it is not a single event in a person's life. It's a long, drawn out, step by step process that begins and  ends long before and after the divorce decree is signed. It is less a break than it is a detangling, constantly untying connections to your former spouse.  Even after the ink is dry and the assets and liabilities (in theory) have been divided up, there is still the process of changing names,  removing names, signing over legal ownership, closing accounts, changing addresses, and so on and so forth. As much as you may be  ready to be totally rid of this person, the reality is that undoing your connected lives takes time.

I recently had a major event happen for me: I bought a new car!  Somehow, some way, I managed to gain mind control over some car dealer and got them to sell me a car despite the financial wreckage that I was left with post-divorce. The car is very nice, very similar to my faithful Honda Civic, a sexy-but-not-cutesy little car in a lovely shade of Black Cherry ("Her name is Cherry, we just met....."), Bluetooth, satellite radio, all the things I could ask for in a (relatively inexpensive) car. I dug my heels in and feel like I negotiated a good deal on it (considering my financial  situation). The salesman kept asking me why I wasn't more excited and smiling. Part of it was sheer disbelief, waiting for the manager to poke his head in saying they'd made a mistake, part of it is my usual hesitancy at making big ticket purchases, and part of it was game face. I actually really was happy to get such a nice car so soon, but my face didn't REALLY light up until I realized one fact: My ex husband's name would no longer be on my vehicle. *happy dance*

When I was married The Ex and I owned two vehicles, so logically we each took our primary vehicles in the divorce. His got repossessed, but I managed to keep paying mine despite my roller coaster job and money situation. Although according to our divorce decree said I got the Civic and he got the SUV, legally we were both owners of each vehicle. My title still had his name on it; the registration was in both of our names. Majority of the time it wasn't an issue (except for the time I even almost got stuck with a default judgment on unpaid parking tickets because they were sending notices to him and not to me) and practically speaking it didn't matter that his name was still on the car.  But psychologically I was a little miffed seeing his name each time I renewed my registration.  I just wanted to be rid of him altogether (well, as much as possible considering we still have kids together).

When I purchased my new car they gave me a rebate for switching from Honda to Kia so I had to give them my registration, and the reminder came again. Then as I was negotiating my price the sales guy reminded me that my previous car loan had a co-signer and he was trying to get me a good rate without one. That's when it really hit me. This is going to be MY car. Mine. Nobody else's. It won't belong to that legal fiction of one person that marriage is considered to be. I have total control over this vehicle; I can say where it goes and doesn't go and nobody can use it without my permission. I don't have to worry about a 300 lb person flopping down in my seats bending the edges and scraping up the trim, getting gum on the seats that he promises to clean off and never does, or just generally treating my car like crap because he's careless and doesn't care because it's not his.  I can also rid myself of the reminder of a time when I was scared out of my mind when my car got vandalized by The Ex (he still swears he didn't do it, but I know he had someone do it.... shit like that doesn't happen on its own randomly).  But more than just the vehicle itself, my new car represents another step away from my old life and toward my new one.  Another step in the right direction.

It's all Family (a Recant)

So it's been 2 months now since my children and I learned about the birth their new (half) sibling, whom I affectionately refer to as "Little Meech".  The kids seem to be adjusting to the idea pretty well, and even Son has gotten over his initial pissedoffedness and reportedly gave the little baby his speech about where he falls in the sibling pecking order (of course, Son is in charge).  I see pictures on their cell phone backgrounds of this chunky little baby that looks almost, but not quite, exactly like my Son as a baby, but that's been about it.

Sunday, however, I finally got to meet the infamous Little Meech.

And he's SO CUTE!!

Baby Momma #2 stopped by my parents' house to pick up Son to go back to his dad's and (probably at Daughter's insistence) she brought Little Meech in, though "little" is a bit of a misnomer because the child is huge.  Two months old and already looks like pictures of Son when he was almost 5 months old (and Son was no small baby himself).  I can save The Ex about $200 and/or an embarassing trip to Maury and declare that is definitely his second son.  He looks just enough like my son that holding him and snuggling him to my chest took me back 16 years-- just a little.  It was so cute to see Son poke his tiny nose and him bust out a big toothless grin at his big brother, and to see Mini-Me cradling him with a bottle.  I mean, who can not love seeing a baby?

Now I know I have poked fun at the situation, nicknaming the child Little Meech based upon a photo where he was covered in money and gold chains (and the fact that more than one person has pointed out his father's uncanny resemblance to Rick Ross).  Yes, I know this.  We all have our moments pettiness, but the difference with me is that I'm woman enough to admit it and admit when a change is needed.  However, Little Meech is just going to be my nickname for him, period, and I have no problem telling anyone why, same as telling Son why he was called Stinky or why my beau's son was called Boo Boo or why Mini-Me was Stealthy Kitten.  Kids have embarassing nicknames.  It happens.  And that photo is still ridiculous as hell (and will make for great blackmail material by his family in years to come).

Now, what I am also woman enough to admit is that I must recant and re-adjust with my thoughts about Baby Momma #2.  As I've stated before, overall I have never had a problem with the woman aside from quasi-jacking my son's name, which I thought was a little odd, but names that start with the letter Q are pretty cool.  Then there was the incident where I was told that she called The Ex's job supposedly about my children being at the hospital, which I later found out wasn't even true.  But it was something about seeing that innocent little baby that made me stop to realize that she is just as much subject to The Ex's tomfoolery and life mishandling as I am, and that having a hostile attitude toward Little Meech and his mother was just stupid.  I got accused of acting fake, but really it was moreso a realization that I was tired of holding onto unfounded hostility and deciding that a mental shift was necessary.

I stopped and thought about how The Ex has painted me to others as some crazy, maladjusted bitch and how that is far from the truth (maybe a little weird and misunderstood, but not crazy) and then compared that to how he has tried to paint her as crazy as well.  That's his modus operandi-- "it's not my fault, it's everyone else's fault."  His ex-girlfriend said something interesting to me shortly after they broke up (i.e. shortly after Little Meech was born) about how there were unnecessary hard feelings created between us based upon things that The Ex did and said.  And now I smack my own forehead for being led down that same road by him with Baby Momma #2.  The situation was admittedly fucked up and handled poorly, but that's moreso The Ex's doings and not hers, and it's also just life.  Life is messy and fucked up, and the best of us get caught up in it.  I'll give you a pass if you give me a pass, m'kay?

Actually seeing the baby and seeing my children interact with their brother made me realize that I have been holding onto some frustration and bitterness that is spilling over into the wrong areas of life.  Yes, I can be mad at The Ex for not being where he says he's going to be, or changing plans last minute, or calling me out of my name whenever things don't go his way and I don't acquiesse to his whims.  But I should not make my feelings and attitudes towards Little Meech and his mother an extension of that anger.  Though one could say that they are of no concern to me and my life, but the fact is that they are.  Little Meech is my children's blood relative, so in a roundabout once removed way, he is also related to me.  He is always going to be around any time my kids do something where their siblings ought to be present.  I used to work with a guy who would tell me about holidays with his family where everyone-- step-siblings, half-siblings, ex's and new spouses-- would all get together so nobody had to choose who to be with.  It was just family. 

This is not to say that I am going to strike up a friendship with Baby Mommy #2 and rally against the forces of evil be BFFs.  No, I'm not the type to sit around and talk shit with the other baby momma about The Ex-- that's so cliche, and extremely basic.  But will I do my part to make sure Little Meech has as much involvement with my kids as possible? Yes.  Because I don't want them to feel like they have to choose.  It's all family.

Leave me out of it

In the midst of starting riots on Twitter today with my discussions regarding whether having a baby is an effective (though not very efficient or long lasting) means of getting a man to the altar, I get a phone call from The Ex:

Ex:  Have you talked to your mom today?

Me: No.....

Ex: Ok, well have you talked to Daughter today?

Me: Um, no..... why? *confused look*

Ex: So as far as you know she's still in school?

Me: ....... uh, yea..... *starting to worry*

Ex: Ok then.  Lies... just lies......

Me: What the hell is going on??

Ex: Oh I just got a message from [New Baby Momma] saying that Daughter was at the hospital with my ex-mother-in-law and son.  Never mind, she's playing games.

Me:  Um.... ok.......

This little dialogue left me scratching my head wondering...... my mother is notorious for not telling people bad news, but if it's something with my kids she would have been blowing my phone up.  Plus the fact that I would have received a call from the school.  So I called him back to clarify whether she may have been talking about Little Meech (their son) and her ex-mother-in-law (I don't know if she has one though) at the hospital with her daughter, and he says no, the message specifically said our daughter's name.  Apparently ole girl called his job, left a message, then called him on his cell and said "check your messages" and hung up.

This would all make for just another amusing antidote to my otherwise dull day except for one thing: She's involving my children, which necessarily involves me.  Had she chosen any other subject to lie on, I would have never known and my day could have gone along it's smooth and merry way, and I could have continued to stir up drama on Twitter with my inquires on what actually gets men to the altar.  But her stupid games caused me to have to worry about the well-being of my children and question the courtesy and sanity of my mother.

Thus far I have taken a neutral stance when it comes to this woman.  She is, plain and simply, not my problem.  Slight amusement, yes; problem, no.  Today's tomfoolery, however, has that once neutral balance tipping in a negative direction.  Apparently this woman did not think (or care) that if she causes some panic in The Ex based on a lie she told about our kids that it would also cause the same level of concern with me.  I become collateral damage in their little battle over goodness knows what and who cares.  That is where I draw the line.  They can play the cliche Baby Momma/Baby Daddy war games, but the second that my children and/or I get drawn into it, there will be problems.  This whole scenario has the makings of very bad business, and I want no parts of it.  I certainly hope he checks her on this and this is the first and last time I have to be involved in their new-age ghetto mess.  But if not..... well, we'll see where that adventure goes.

******************************************************************

UPDATE:  As it turns out, and I should have known, The Ex had it all wrong.  I should have went with my first mind and said "wait, that doesn't sound right" but I'd asked and second guessed, and he insisted that Baby Momma #2 was playing games.  He got the message all wrong, but instead of confirming first he called me and got me involved.  Hot messery.... leave me out of it.

Karma is a bitch.... with child

Ok, I think I'm finally ready to write about this.

I know that the frequency of my "adventures" have decreased dramatically, which is a good thing for me (but not so good when maintaining a blog about Adventures in Divorce). However, my ex-husband always manages to keep the party live and send me on brand new adventures, whether I care to go or not.

So a few weeks ago, The Ex texts me on a random Tuesday and tells me that I must go pick up the kids immediately, that he's had to leave town and they are home by themselves. No explanation aside from "I have an emergency out of town" which would be plausible had he actually traveled to the west coast where his family lives, not the next state over. Then he tells me he'll be back "in a few days, maybe by Friday". I ask Son what's going on and he says his dad needed to go out of town "for work or something". Needless to say, I was a little pissed because I had no way to plan for the kids being around (i.e. food in the house, logistical coordination for practices and activities, etc.) however, at that point I had no choice but to go get my children, and he knew that which is why he did it.

Friday rolls around and because I was planning to go out of town that evening, I sent The Ex a text to confirm that he would be back that afternoon to get the kids. His response: "I'll be back Sunday night." Can you say R-A-G-E?? I launched a text assault the likes of which have not been seen since AD 2007. I told him he was inconsiderate, un-trustworthy, and to at least give me the same level of courtesy that he would give someone on the street. I didn't even wait for responses, I had to get all that out because I was sick of being bullied and punked by him because he knew I would not do wrong by my kids. Oddly, though, all he kept saying was "Sorry, I had an emergency" which is VERY uncharacteristic of him. Then all the sudden he calls me and says he has to tell me what's going on, and this is what he says:

"I have another kid."

I burst out laughing. Not as loud and hearty as I wanted to because I was at work, but I guarantee the people in the office on the other side of the hallway door heard me. My initial laughter came from the fact that not 10 minutes earlier I had jokingly tweeted that I suspected the reason he had to rush out of town so abruptly-- and had forewarned me that he would need to do so at the beginning of the summer -- was that he'd knocked some side chick up and had to rush to see the baby born. I was dead on; turns out he got a chick pregnant that he was fooling around with during a "break up" with his main boo, who coincidentally and inexplicably I had the occasion to meet (Sidenote: his boo thang of 3 years couldn't have kids, which was specifically a reason he told me he got with her in the first place so he wouldn't have to worry about that). My second wave of laughter came from the sheer absurdity of the fact that he didn't tell our kids (or anyone else aside from his momma and his BFF) ahead of time. I mean, who does that?? And how old are we??? One of my Twitter friends summed it up best: "That was mighty hood of him." And my most prevalent reason for my outburst was gratitude for Karma coming in and delivering a better payback for all his BS antics toward me than I could ever imagine or pull off myself. Forget keying his crappy car or kicking over his motorcycle, the Universe did it 1000 times better. Karma is a bitch.... with child.

If you've been following this blog for awhile, you know some of what I am talking about..... fighting my friends, spray painting my car, being inconsiderate with pick ups and drop offs, regularly calling me out of my name, and a myriad of other bitchassed behaviors that any other XY who calls himself a man would be embarrassed to even think about. But what stuck out to me the most was an incident last year at Son's football fundraiser where he thought I said I was pregnant (and I felt no need or desire to correct is erroneous assumptions simply because I knew it would piss him off) and hurled all kinds of horrible insults at me via text about how irresponsible and stupid I was, and almost got into a fight with my beau right there in the bingo hall. Just foolishness. Who's the irresponsible one now, huh??

Some of my friends have asked how I feel about this whole situation, thinking that maybe I would be upset that he's "moved on" or that he has a child with someone other than me. Please.  I could care less.  Aside from the Maury-like curiosity factor and the fact that how can you not like a baby (especially one that looks uncannily similar to your first born).  Hopefully this will help him move on and stop using our old joint e-mail address with my initials and our anniversary date. I just hope that he steps up and takes care of this child and is around for my children's sake, so that they can have a relationship with their younger brother (I am very big on treating step-siblings like whole siblings). Daughter is ecstatic already, but Son is still upset about it (and for good reason..... we're telling him to be safe and careful when it comes to sex, and his dad goes out and does the exact opposite?? Way to lead by example, Dad). I bear no ill will against this woman, or this innocent baby (despite calling him Little Meech because his name is extremely similar to my Son's name). I will do nothing to discourage the relationship between my kids and their new sibling. I'm actually glad I didn't have to be the one to introduce the concept of a new sibling to my kids. If I have any more children, this issue will be old hat to them.

So congrats to The Ex on the new addition to his, um, family.... on acquiring a Baby Momma #2 and becoming a Baby Daddy once again.  My condolences to him on losing his cougar and now having to continue to have her as a boss after getting another woman pregnant.  And best wishes actually having to deal with the child support and state guideline visitation system (which he does not have to deal with from me). Maybe he'll appreciate me more, who knows.

Yes, loved ones, this particular adventure has just begun......

The (In)significance of Girlfriends

(This is follow up to the previous post, All's Fair in Love and War.  I suggest you read it.  Thanks.)

Up until about a year and a half ago, it had been a LONG time since I'd held the title of "girlfriend".  Even before holding the title of "wife" for about 9 years, I was "fiance" for a year and a half, and "baby momma" for 5.  Not since I was 15 have I held the title of just "girlfriend"......until now.  I'm sure for most women the status of girlfriend is the norm and utterly commonplace, so I'm sure you have no clue why this makes any bit of difference such that it warrants a blog post (then again, many things written about in blogs don't deserve a blog post).  Patience...... let me explain.

Girlfriends (and boyfriends, too), at first glance, are afforded special status.  To gain that official title means that you play an important and intimate role in someone's life.  However, in reality..... you're one step above nobody.  Here today, gone tomorrow, and nobody (with the exception of a few) hears from or thinks about you ever again.  At best, you become "Who was that chick you messed with a few years ago??  The one with the old kids?", and hopefully not "Man, what was that crazy bitch's name you finally got rid of??"  Girlfriends are some of the most transient, non-permanent individuals in a person's life.  And thus, they are treated as such.

This realization didn't fully hit home until my Son got his first official girlfriend.  She's a nice girl, and so far I like her, but not-so-far in the back of my mind I know this is (hopefully) just a temporary thing in the grand scheme of life.  He's 16 years old, she's 17.  I don't care how much he or she thinks they may be "in love", I know there's a 99.9% chance they will break up eventually, most likely when she goes off to college in a year, if not sooner.  Knowing this (or believing this.... but what's really the difference?), I will be nice, kind, respectful toward their little relationship, but I have no plans on making her an integral part of my family.  (

(Notice I used the word "little".  I find myself using that a lot in reference to their relationship.  I always refer to her as "Q's little girlfriend" though I am constantly reminded by my own beau that she's not "little" and is very much built like a grown ass woman...... the adjective is not used in the literal sense.  But I digress.)

If you're thinking "Well yes, they are kids, of course you wouldn't think of her like that" then let me change the scenario.  I remember once sitting in my friend's basement talking to his then girlfriend (in her mind at least) and she was going on and on about plans to take trips and what they were going to do next year and we should all plan to do XYZ, blah, blah, blah.  I listened, smiled and nodded, gave the occasional "Oh that would be nice" but the whole time in the back of my mind I'm thinking "Chick, you ain't gonna last through the summer."  And I was right, because what I knew that she didn't was that he was a serial monogamist and I'd seen many like her come and go (and then try to hem me up in the club asking why he went).  So while she thought/hoped/wished/fantasized/delusionally believed she was The One, I knew otherwise, so I saw no need to get myself to attached to the idea of her being around.

So, this has me thinking about my own status as "girlfriend" and wondering how I am different from the females mentioned above, and so far I can't think of any reason why I'm not.  Yes, in my reality and his reality I am a very important individual (and vice versa).  But for everyone else around him who has seen girlfriends come and go, at this point in time they have no reason to take me seriously.  In the eyes of the permanent individuals in his life, I'm the current lady friend who sits in the same position as the past lady friend; the next girl who may just as easily become the ex girl.

The implications of this are twofold.  First is not being taken seriously by family, for the reasons stated above.  But second, and more vexing, is the disrespect and toe stepping by "friends".  Now, when my male friends get a new lady friend, I go out of my way to show that I come in peace and try not to make any sudden, threatening moves.  I think, however, that I am in the minority.  In reality, there is the attitude of "Bitch I was here before you, I will be here after you, and who are you to tell me how I can and cannot deal with MY friend" accompanied by that passive aggressiveness that females have gotten down to a science AND and art that's really not about the guy, but more about whatever the female equivalent of a pissing contest would be.  And honestly, unfortunately..... I can't really argue with the logic.  But logic isn't everything and it still pisses me off.  Add on top of this the notion that all's fair in love and war, and as merely the girlfriend I'm a sitting duck for toe stepping, sneak attacks, tomfoolery, and all sorts of other females' reindeer games.

(Do I sound paranoid?? Sorry......there was an incident.)

The reality is until there is some next level of commitment made, whether intentional (engagement/marriage) or unintentional (baby momma), the status of girlfriend means very little to the outside world.  Sometimes it almost feels like a joke, like I'm just waiting for someone actually to cock their head to side, pat me on the head and say "Oh, that's so cute."  I can almost hear the mental speculation as to whether I'll be the one back next year at the company picnic, or a guest at the next wedding, or at the next family function.....

With all that said, none of this really matters.  All that matters is how he and I feel about each other and the level of mutual respect we show one another.  You must walk before you can run, and walking the role of girlfriend is just one of those normal, everyday life things.  Just another one of my observations from my odd vantage point of being a girlfriend for the first time in my adult life, that's all.

All's Fair in Love and War

Maybe she wasn't such a cootie queen after all.

History is always told from the perspective of the winner, not as it actually went down.  Our history books are all written in such a way that applauds the actions of the ones in control and condemns those of the loser.  This is simply one of the spoils of war; the winners get to tell the story the way they want it to be told, and very few actually question it.  This is not only the case in our civilization's history, but love as well. 

Some time last year a good friend of mine was telling me about a new guy she was kickin' it with.  He was a musician, handsome, sexy, and despite the fact that he was staying with her (temporarily til he found another place, supposedly), he had a girlfriend.  I told her run for your life, he's playing you as live-in booty while he plans a life with this chick, you're gonna get your feelings hurt.

Well, last week they got engaged.

There are two schools of thought when it comes to people who are in pre-marriage relationships:  One is that these people are in committed relationships and their relationship should be respected and left alone, and anyone who tries to interfere is just foul and dead wrong.  The other, which was best summed up by my mentor who was a notorious flirt, is "You're single until you're married."  In the Infinite Wisdom of my 20's (and by "Infinite Wisdom" I mean "I thought I had shit figured out and then I actually lived life and was proven terribly wrong") I was of the school of thought that the latter attitude was just awful and an excuse to sleep around for as long as possible.  And even still today I get irritated when someone persists in trying to holla even after I inform them that I have a boyfriend.  But my friend's good news got me thinking about whether this issue is as black and white, right vs. wrong, as I originally thought.

Take my friend as example.  When she first started "dating" her now fiance, 9 out of 10 disinterested women polled on the street would probably tell you she was being a scandalous scallywag for messing with someone else's man.  Now in hindsight though, I would merely have to say "She won."  The ultimate purpose of dating (for most people) is to find someone to build a life with, ideally to marry.  But the fact is that many people are in lackluster, half hearted relationships that they are holding onto for whatever reason, maybe because it's not bad but not really fantastic, or out of habit, or because that's what they think they want, or whatever.  If someone else comes along that is a better match, should they bypass it because of some sense of obligation to the lackluster relationship, or go forward and pursue greater happiness?  Should the interloper walk away from someone showing interest in them because that person is supposedly in a relationship which the interloper has no knowledge of its depth or complexity?

Let's take another example: my very own sister.  She dated a guy from high school for over 5 years, but then her junior or senior year of college she had another guy incessantly in her ear, calling her all the time over the summer, not really caring at all that she had a boyfriend.  That other guy is now my brother-in-law, they have 2 beautiful boys and a wonderful life together.  Had he abided by the "rules" and left my sister alone out of "respect" for her relationship with a guy who honestly was slipping, my sister would not have the life she has today.  My brother-in-law presented himself as the better option, plain and simple.  He won.

I'm not saying that anyone who is not married is 100% fair game and that the follow up question to "Yes, I'm seeing someone" should always be "But are you happy?" because really, that just comes off as rude and disrespectful.  I'm just making the observation that when it comes to love and dating, history rewrites itself such that seemingly questionable behavior all the sudden becomes justified and endearing.  I would be willing to bet that a great number of "how we met" stories involve the scenario "he/she was dating someone already, but I really wanted to get to know him/her" or some other reason why the situation wasn't exactly ideal at the time.  During none of the umpteen times your dad tells the story of how he met your mother do you think "Man, what an asshole", but rather "Wow, he really, really wanted to get with mom."  After the fact we applaud the persistence, the determination, the romanticism, and the poor ex ("Ole Whats-His-Name") just becomes a forgotten casualty of love.

So I guess I do have to agree that, in the grand scheme of life, you really are single until you're married, not in the sense that you can willy nilly do whatever you want in a relationship and use that as a defense (try saying "It wasn't wrong because we're not married" to your boo and see what happens.... you won't be in that particular relationship much longer), but rather there are no guarantees until you say "I do".  Married people are definitely off limits, and at that point you merely become a homewrecker.  But for everyone else, relationships come and go and the reality is that there aren't always clean breaks in between them.  In the end, when it's all said and done, the only person who matters is the one who won.

All is fair in love and war, loved ones..... and the victor gets to rewrite history.

*Disclaimer: AID will not be held responsible for any head busting or beat downs you may catch going after someone else's (wo)man.  Please proceed with caution.

If you like it then you shoulda put some ink on it

Don't let this happen to you.

Commitment issues.....probably the most rampant mental disorder of men everywhere (and many women as well). Commitment, and marriage specifically, is seen as The Enemy; the sign that you have given up, surrendered, foreclosed all other options.

I can somewhat understand commitment phobia.....to an extent. The trust and faith hurdle can be a big one to overcome (yet not insurmountable). What I will never, EVER understand is this: name tattoos.

Specifically I'm talking about the folks you see with "Tammy" or "Trina" tattooed across their neck/arm/wrist/chest without nary a piece of jewelry on the left hand. And yes, I am zeroing in on the guys because let's be real: At the end of the day, men are the ones who control when a marriage is to occur. Women are usually on board first, waiting for their guy to finally propose. It seems like getting a guy to commit to marriage is a major feat. Yet, despite the proclivity of men to avoid saying "I do" for as long as possible, I still see guys with their lady's name tattooed on their bodies while declaring that they aren't ready for the commitment of marriage.

In case you weren't aware of this patently obvious fact, let me break it down so that it is forever broken and put things into perspective: Marriage, despite best efforts and intentions, is not guaranteed to be permanent. A tattoo, however, is with you for the rest of your natural born LIFE.

How is it that you are scared to make the commitment to make a life with someone, yet you will go have her name permanently implanted in your dermis?? Am I missing something here?? If you intend to be with this woman's name for the rest of your life, have given yourself a 25/8/366 reminder of her existence, have committed to this "artwork" (that term is used very loosely), why is the commitment to marriage so difficult? The whole concept seems very ass backward to me.

And ladies, I'm not letting you off the hook, either. Why would you permanently tattoo "Jon Jon" across your ass when Jon Jon doesn't think enough of you to make you his wife? Is it really wise to forever mark yourself with the name of a man who can up and leave tomorrow on a whim?  And if it doesn't work out, do you really think your new beau will want to look at that every day?

Word to the wise: Leave the name tattoos alone unless you're talking about your child, parent, or anyone else who, by default, ain't going anywhere. Even for married folks, don't do it. At one point I considered getting my ex-husband's name tatted on me (though he also shares a first name with my son) and I thank my lucky stars I had sense enough to get an Adinkra symbol instead, because I probably would have clawed the damn thing off myself (eff a laser). I have a friend who had the name of her husband, with which she has 5 kids, tattooed in HUGE letters across her back; I recently saw her in Facebook pictures with her new fiancé. Yes, there is the option of laser removal, but why put yourself through that unnecessarily? Go get a tiger or a butterfly instead.

There's also the matter of the superstition that when you get a tattoo of your lover's name, your relationship is cursed and you are doomed to split up. I'm not sure how true this is, but judging by the amount of cover up work tattoo artists do, I'd say it's best not to test the theory.

If you absolutely MUST express your love via the pulse of an ink covered needle piercing your skin 100 times per second, just do like my sister and brother-in-law and get matching non-name tattoos. Yes, if you break up it will be a reminder, but at least your new boo won't have to be subject to "Property of Booski" every time you undress.

But for real..... just get her a ring instead, m'kay??

Boys to Men

Recently I had a conversation with one of my friends about a woman he was dating who is a single mother raising a young boy.  I thought I had written about my opinions about the ability for a single woman to successfully raise a son into a man, but I couldn't find it on my blogs anywhere.  However, I remembered that I actually did commit such opinion to writing (luckily, because I thought I was going crazy) in the form of an e-interview with another blogger.

I'm sure some of you may be a little irked by my opinions, some of you out there raising sons or someone who was raised by a single mother.  I just ask (like many of my other posts) that you suspend judgement for the few minutes it takes to read this and really think about what I am saying and save your feminist pitch forks for someone else.  After all, I am a single woman, I do have a teenage son who is closer to manhood than childhood, so this just isn't another out of touch opinion of someone who's never had to face this situation.  So..... *takes deep breath* here it goes:

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1. What are some of the trials you've been faced with in raising a boy to a man?

"Being a man" is one of those things that, as a woman, I know it when I see it, but I don't know how to teach it. I don't know exactly what I need to teach my son in order to teach him to "be a man." There's that balance between that natural desire to protect my son from all the "evils" of the world and makings sure he knows how to deal with them on his own. There are different societal expectations for men and women, and I'm just ill equipped to fully teach him how to meet those expectations.

There's also the challenge of openness of communication. No matter how "cool" mom is, there are just some topics that a boy feels more comfortable talking to another male about. I can generally lecture him about things like sex, but he's not going to come to me with the nitty gritty specific questions.

When I got divorced, I made the difficult decision of letting my son go live with his dad, while my daughter lives with me. He was just starting high school and I knew that these were the years where he would need his dad more than he needed me. Most of my "heavy lifting" as a mother was done when he was young, and now the most important thing he needs right now is strong male influence more than the nurturing of his mother.

2. Do you feel that women can successfully raise boys?

Completely by themselves, no. Young boys need some sort of consistent male role model in their lives, and if this doesn't come from their father then mothers should make sure that they have an uncle, grandfather, god father, church member, coach or some other older male that can help them with the challenges that are unique to males. There are just some aspects of "being a man" that can only be taught by men, and it is apparent when men don't grow up with this consistent positive male influence. I think single women should NOT rely on boyfriends to fulfill this role because there will always be some natural resistance to any man that is romatically involved with a boy's mother.

I see a definite difference between my ex husband and the man I am dating now in terms of the concept of "being a man". Both grew up during their adolescent and teen years without their dad; my ex's parents divorced and his dad disappeared and my boyfriend's dad died when he was 8. I don't think my ex-mother-in-law did a good job making sure he had some outside male influence, while my boyfriend had a godfather and several positive male mentors through various activities his mother had him involved in. My ex husband has done, and continues to do, many things most would consider out of line for how a man should handle a situation (or "bitchassed" for lack of a better term). People are floored when I explain some of the things I've dealt with from him. He always carried a sense of entitlement to what I had and I never got the feeling he felt the need to step up and truly be the head of our household. I see a night and day diffierence between him and my current beau. He is a lot more self sufficient and deals with his obligations as a man and a father much better.

Women cannot teach boys to be men any more than men can teach girls to be women, so it really bothers me when single mothers have the "I can do this all by myself" attitude. It's not a knock on the mother's parenting skills or love for her child. It's just reality. Single mothers have to have reinforcements, just as I'm sure it would be normal to expect a single father raising a daughter to find a female to help him out with his daughter.

3. What do you think are the primary differences when it comes to raising boys and girls?

I think the primary objective of raising a girl is to teach her how to protect herself, while the objective of raising a boy is to teach him how to protect himself AND others. Women are nurturers, men are protectors. I am constantly telling my son to look out for his little sister, as I think ALL boys are taught. I think one of the key negative traits that you see amongst men who don't grow up with strong male influences is selfishness and being self centered. Many of them are constantly looking for a woman to take care of them just like their mother did (as mothers have a natural tendency to do) and don't have that same sense of obligation to sacrafice themselves for the benefit of others. All they have seen is that "mom takes care of me" and they don't see the role that a male plays in a relationship and in society. I can provide a model for my daughter of how she should conduct herself; it's easy for her to mimic me. I do not, on the other hand, want my son to mimic me.

I think people make the mistake of believing in the notion of equality for men and women. In some respects (education, employment opportunities) there should be some equality, but people just need to accept that there are definite differences in men's and women's roles and expectations in society. Boys and girls need influence from both genders, but the primary way they learn to conduct themselves is by examples from people of their same gender.

She's not your Little Freak

Results may vary from those shown.... proceed with caution.

So this morning I was listening to my Thursday morning guilty pleasure, Wrong Number Flirting, and the mission on which Slutty Chelsea (the telephone decoy) was put upon was a bit different from the typical chick trying to find out if her man is a philandering man whore cheating.  Today's caller was a woman (let's call her L) who had been dating a chick (let's call her B) for about 6 weeks and was SO in love with her, but suspected that B still had her foot on the other side of the fence, i.e. she was still seeing men.  This was B's first lesbian relationship but had told the L that she'd never felt like this with anyone before, really cared for her, etc.  But thanks to a Blackberry and a bit of snooping, ole girl realized her new lady friend was still e-mailing her ex-boyfriend.  Enter Slutty Chelsea and her first lesbian challenge.

Slutty Chelsea calls B pretending that her girlfriend recommended B for hair coloring services.  Per usual, Slutty Chelsea goes on to play the "you sound hot let's meet up" card, to which B responds that she's flattered, but she has a BOYFRIEND.  Busted.  L comes back on the phone, hurt and asking for explanations, to which B replies in so many words "This was nothing serious..... I was just having fun."  And then her solution to the problem was an an offer bring a guy into the mix.  Aye dios mio.

As much as I laughed in my car at the whole scenario (as I do when anyone gets busted), a bigger part of me was pissed on behalf of L and all the other women who have had their feelings hurt by someone who was "just having fun."  Dabbling into the realm of bi-sexuality seems to be all the rage now. It's almost a rite of passage for women from 18 to 25 (or beyond).  Young women play around for a bit, then box up that phase in their lives and go on to marry Mr. Right and have her 2.5 kids, and might whisper about her exploits to her fellow soccer moms over one too many martinis.  No big deal, right?  Wrong.

The thing that pisses me off the most about the treatment of gays and lesbians by our society is that they are not seen as human beings with regular human lives and human emotions.  All our society sees is SEX, which for any heterosexual person is accepted as only a small facet of their life (unless you're a porn star).  ALL people have feelings, seek love, and avoid hurt.  B treated L like a game, something fun to do til she got it out of her system, while L was looking for a real committed relationship.

Does this sound familiar?

Let's change the scenario around.  Let's say L is a black female, and B is a white male.  B has only dated white women, but has always wondered what it would be like to shag a black woman.  So he engages L in what she thinks is a relationship, tells her how much he cares for her and how she makes him feel, and later she finds out that Becky has still been on the scene all this time while B used L as something to check off on his "Things to Do Before I Die" list.  Swap "black" and "white" for any sort of characteristic (fat, skinny, amputee, little person, visually/hearing impaired) and flip flop the genders..... in all of these scenarios, one person was objectified and treated as a novelty, while the other played with their emotions for the sake of experimentation.  People are not experiments, loved ones.

Going back to lesbians..... contrary to popular belief, lesbian women are not solely here for men's entertainment and sowing young women's wild oats.  Those girls you see tonguing each other down in the club are not the representatives for women who love being with other women.  I know lesbian couples who have been together for years, have homes, families, kids, LIVES together. They want love and happiness just like any other woman.  But they want that with another WOMAN, not your freaky ass and whatever dude you want to bring around to add to the mix.  Experimenting and dabbling is fine and all, but don't involve someone who is looking for a serious relationship and/or let her know up front what your intentions are.  There are plenty of other dabblers and Nicki Minja Little Freaks out there to accomplish your purpose.  There are also plenty of lesbian women who get off on "turning out" straight chicks and will enjoy using you just as much as you are using them.  Just let them know up front where you're coming from and let them choose whether they want to proceed.  Don't play with people's emotions and mislead them for your personal enjoyment, m'kay?  It's really a simple, universal rule for any type of relationship.

So ladies, do your thing, explore your lives, just make sure you're not committing woman-on-woman emotional crimes and doing the same thing to lesbian women that you don't want done to you.

Public Snooping... just don't do it

This is how snooping SHOULD be done.... and in that outfit, too. He might be less mad.

One of my new guilty pleasures has become Thursday morning's Wrong Number Flirting on a local radio station.  Basically it's the telephone and radio version of the "sexy decoy" on talk shows.  A female who suspects her man may be cheating calls in, tells her story, gives some background, and one of the radio hosts plays the role of "Slutty Chelsea" and calls dude up with a somewhat plausible story and tries to get dude to hook up with her and/or admit some other fact that his girlfriend/wife suspects he's hiding.  For example, last Thursday's guy was a math tutor and his girlfriend suspected that he was cheating with his female pupils, so Slutty Chelsea called pretending she needed "late night tutoring sessions."  Another week it was a baseball coach and Slutty Chelsea calling as a MILF in need of coaching for her son.  Or my favorite was the woman who suspected her fiance had been engaged before and her ring was a hand-me-down..... Slutty Chelsea called claiming to be a friend of the girlfriends, and not only did dude try and have a date with her (because he thought he remembered her) he also admitted to being engaged before and that they only reason his fiance got the second-hand ring is because they were both fat and that was the only place he could get a plus sized ring.......*ouch*. 

As entertained as I am while I drive Mini-Me to school each Thursday morning, I also delight in the loathing that I have for the women who call in to set their dudes up.  They're usually whiny, insecure, passive aggressive little nags who flip out when someone is prettier than them.  For many of them their only "evidence" that their man may be dipping out are the fact that he interacts with women and "acts weird".  I'm not much of a fan of snooping in the first place, but if you must do it, do it in private.  These women, however, choose to investigate with thousands of people in central region of the state listening in. And this is even worse than the talk shows, because at least the guy consents to going and sitting on Steve Wilko's stage, and if he doesn't have enough sense to know some bad shit is gonna come of it, that's on him. But to just blindside a dude and take your snooping to the public domain by tapping his phone conversation via a popular radio station......cuán patético. 

My favorite part, however, is to hear the guys' reactions.  Some of them are, in fact, low down dirty dogs who get busted, and it's funny to hear them fumble through an explanation.  But for the innocent guys, I like to hear them go OFF on their girlfriends.  Sometimes they try and make it seem like dude is an asshole for getting pissed, stressing that there's nothing to be upset about because he "passed" and isn't "in trouble", but I think they are perfectly justified in being pissed off to the highest level of pissivity.  Not only does he have to deal with an insecure, whiny chick who's probably already cracked all his passcodes and checks his pockets daily, he's now got to deal with the world knowing that his woman just tried to throw him under the bus on a crowded street.  She's taken what should be a private matter and made it very, very public, and didn't even have the she-balls to do it herself.  They act like they can't understand why he's so mad.  I'm a rather private person (despite what you read on here and Twitter), so I perfectly understand and sympathize...... in fact, I can often be seen driving in my car screaming at the radio "Yea, dumb ass, that's what you GET!"  I laughed allll the way to work one day over a woman who ruined her own engagement surprise.  Ha ha, bitch.  Ha.

Whether you're an advocate of snooping or not (I'm not), or believe it's justified when you find something incriminating (I don't), this is just entirely the wrong way of going about it.  Relationship problems should not be aired to the general public in graphic detail, whether that's on a talk show, radio show, blog or Twitter (and yes, I admit I've been guilty of such in the past, but I've checked myself).  You shouldn't need the mass media market to back you up.  I can't stand that show "The Marriage Ref" because I don't think you should leave it to Madonna and a live studio audience to work out your marital issues.  You should just grow a pair (ladies, too) and confront your mate one-on-one, not hide behind some show and let them do your dirty work that you're too much of a wuss to do yourself.  The very fact that there are thousands of people like me who eagerly listen and laugh at what otherwise should be a serious issue should deter, not encourage you.  These women have reduced themselves to cheap forms of frivolous entertainment and unwittingly dragged their dudes right in along with them.  So yes, they deserve to get thoroughly embarrassed and read the riot act in public, where they put themselves in the first place.

So handle your private business in private, loved ones. If you are so immature as to have to get a third-party to trick your mate into revealing information, maybe you need to rethink whether you're mature enough to handle a real relationship in the first place.

Where I Wanna Be......?

"I would rather be able to appreciate things I can not have than to have things I am not able to appreciate."

~ Elbert Hubbard

When Donnell Jones' "Where I Wanna Be" first came out, I was really pissed.  I liked the song in the abstract, but the lyrics greatly upset me.  I was 21 years old, recently married to my one and only boyfriend, and had two kids ages 6 and 1.  I just thought Donnell was the biggest asshole in the world.  What the hell is this "finding where I wanna be" bullshit?? WTF do you mean that if you love someone you need to leave before you cheat on them?? I felt outraged on behalf of whatever woman was the inspiration for that song, and I'm sure I'm not the only high school sweetheart that felt a little..... threatened.

But then, like with so many other things, I grew up.  And hindsight is a mutha.

High school sweethearts are like puppies.... everyone ooohs and ahhhs and "that's so cute!" at them, but don't think about how they piss and shit all over your house and chew up all your furniture.  The idea of high school sweethearts is nice and all, but in reality you may not only be selling yourself short, but selling your relationship short.  Before you start mentally composing your "Nuhh-uhhh!!" comments telling me about how long you've been married to the captain of the football team for which you were a cheerleader, or how your grandparents got married at 12, just wait for my twisted logic and hear me out.

We often cannot appreciate what we have until we experience and appreciate what we don't have.  And this is where the utility of dating different people comes into play.  Every relationship-- even the crappy one with the psychotic stalker -- is instrumental in your growth as a person and as a potential companion.  You get to learn what you like AND what you don't like, what behaviors are normal and which are extraordinary, and the successful and unsuccessful ways of interacting and communicating.  The ability to compare and contrast is invaluable whether you realize it or not.  I realize it in hindsight because I was not able to compare and contrast, and neither was my ex-husband, because all we knew were each other.  He didn't know how tolerant I was, or how well I could cook, or how phenomenal good I was as a lover, because he had nothing to compare it to.  And I didn't know how I deserved to be treated by a man, because I had no way of comparing.  Our relationship existed in a vacuum, as do most high school sweetheart relationships. 

When I started seeing other people, it was like a whole new world opened up within myself.  You mean to tell me I'm NOT a crazy psycho girl that my ex always told me I was, but am really actually a pretty laid back chick?  So I really AM a fantastic oral advocate (he tried to tell me I wasn't) and can turn a man on at the drop of a hat (he tried to say.... well, never mind... he had some "issues")??  And yes, I can cook my ass off?  Oral sex in and of itself is enjoyable?? No, dudes aren't supposed to sit back and watch their woman fix shit around the house??  All of these things weren't revealed to me until after I had something to compare my first and only relationship with.  And yes, I'm sure there were some positive things about him that I didn't see til I started dating............. I just can't think of any right now.

There is also something to be said about the power of choice.  When you're dealing with toddlers, one technique parenting "experts" tell you to do is to give them the ability to choose between two options when in actuality they'd really rather do neither.  If Suzie doesn't want to put on her sweater, you make the situation a little more tolerable by giving her the choice between her red sweater or her purple sweater.  People, starting before they can even communicate, like to feel like they have control over their lives, and choice is one way of exercising that control.  Being able to choose Option A between A and B is a lot more satisfying than just only having Option A.  It's the psychological benefit of that choice, that control.

While human beings are just slightly more complicated than sweaters, the same concept applies.  I have a friend who is dating a woman he originally dated back in undergrad.  Since then he's been married, divorced, dated woman locally and across the country.  But he said that they now finally realized and accepted how good they were for each other.  Dating (and sometimes marrying) other people gives you an appreciation for what you have now. I'm not saying that before you settle down with the person you potentially want to spend the rest of your life with that you have to go out and play the field one last time to be extra sure. I'm saying that the experience of dating more than one person (not necessarily simultaneously) at some point in your life (hopefully before you meet your soul mate) helps you to be more comfortable with your ultimate choice because you have a better awareness of what your likes and dislikes are, as well as how your mate stacks up in the grand scheme of things.  And also just because you actually have a choice.

So back to Donnell.......I get it now.  Perhaps he went out and dated a few skeezers chicks and realized that his original lady really was the one for him (tho good luck getting her to come back.... that's a whole 'nother issue) or perhaps he realized she wasn't The One, thus saving them both from wasting a lot of time together (and making him, not Usher, the artist behind "Papers").  But at least now he KNOWS [insert GI Joe quote here].

You're staying with WHO??

As I've previously mentioned, I'm dating a man who has a child (I called it "Brady Bunch Dating").  Dating by itself is tricky, but dating when you have kids presents it's own set of unique issues.  We've been over the weekend coordination hurdle trying to get our visitation weekends on the same schedules so we didn't always have a kid (or 2) around every weekend.  We've done the group vacation thing involving last minute negotiations with a baby momma who threatened the week before the trip to punish his son for doing something relatively minor by not allowing him to go with us.  We've listened to each other's tales of woe and frustration dealing with our respective other parents.  Overall it works pretty well, but it has its challenges.

 

Recently I have been faced with a challenge that has tested my ability to focus on priorities over feelings.  Back in December my beau's son's mother had another baby (no not his, thank the Most High) so she was unable to make the 3 hour round trip to their meeting spot on his visitation weekends with a baby in the car.  Whereas many fathers would just say eff it and take the loss on the visitation time, he decided to be the bigger person and instead drive the entire three hour each way trip to where his son lives and just stay the weekend in that city.  Okay, yes I miss him while he's gone, but it's not as bad because I have my own kids on the same weekend (after a year long battle).  But the problem is his accommodations while he's there.  Hotels twice a month would be a ridiculous expense on top of what he was paying for gas.  Originally he was supposed to be staying with a cousin or a fraternity brother, but they all flaked out on him.  The only other person who offered to help was a friend..... a female friend. 

 

Now, from a logical, rational standpoint I said to myself that I was quite sure he was being truthful when he said that she really is, and always has been, just a friend. (No Biz Markey)  But you ladies (and I'm sure guys too) know that feeling.... that icky stomach feeling.... that uncomfortable I-just-don't-like-it feeling?  I think it's called..... um, let me see...... jealousy/insecurity/possessiveness/take-two-steps-back-away-from-my-toes-ness.  It's a natural emotional reaction.  However, where the road forks is when you decide what you are going to do in response to those feelings. 

 

My choice was to put on my big girl panties and not say a damn thing.

 

I know most women would be like "Aw. Hell. To the. Naw." The issue actually was brought up by his son's mother who didn't understand how I could possibly let it happen (to which he responded "And that's why you're not my girl.")  For most women, the thought of their man going every other weekend to stay at some chick's house with his son when you don't know her, never met her, don't know what her angle is or intentions are, is a little too much for most women to bear.  And I'm a woman too so I'm not above those feelings myself.  What I am above, however, is doing anything to interfere with or complicate his time with his child.  Fathers have enough stress to deal with trying to be the best parent they can be given the limited time they have with their kids.  I can't stand when girlfriends/new wives come in and make things even MORE complicated because of how a situation makes them feel.  Guess what, sweetheart?  It's not about you.  You, unfortunately, don't come first, and you never will.  

 

So though I really don't like it and wish it were different, I've shoved those feelings down into the sub-basement, kept my thoughts to myself, and stepped out on faith a little. I really admire and respect everything he puts up with and overcomes to be a good father, so who am I to make things even more difficult.  It did make me feel good the other day when he let me know he actually noticed and thanked me for it, and asked me how I felt about it.  Because even though there's nothing to be done about it, I appreciated being able to get my feelings out. 

 

I'm not saying you have to blindly go along with any story your man or woman throws at you using their child as an alibi, which isn't cool either (but happens).  Just don't over complicate an already tough and complicated situations by always demanding that your feelings come first.  You may win the battle in the short term, but in the end nothing good comes of pitting your man against his child.  Not his child's mother... his child, because that's who ultimately gets affected.

Say it with love, say it with meat

I'm all about fairness and equality (even if fairness and equality aren't always about me), so in that spirit I want to share a little info about the guys' response to Valentine's Day.... yes, I am talking about Steak and Blow Job Day (or SBJ Day for short).

SBJ Day is on March 14th and is considered to be the complementary holiday to Valentine's Day just for the guys.  It's your opportunity to really show your appreciation for your man that you should be showing all year long, but that doesn't stop V-Day from being celebrated.

SBJ Day is about exactly what it says..... no flowers, candy, gifts, cards, jewelry, stuffed animals.  Just a steak. And a blow job.  That's it.  You have to admire the simplicity of it really.  I guess you could fret over which cut of steak you'll buy, or just which Superhead inspired "technique" you will use, but honestly, I don't think he'll care, and it's just another unnecessary layer of complexity that we women tend to put on everything (yea, I said it). 

The origins of the holiday are somewhat ambiguous.  It was founded some time around 2002, probably as a joke, but not surprisingly it actually took hold.  Go survey 10 people in the grocery store, and I'm sure an overwhelming zero percent of them know about it.  But I know about it, dammit.  And now you do, too.

 

And because I'm such a proponent of fairness and an advocate of properly "showing appreciation", here are a few helpful ideas to make your SBJ Day experience a success: 

Steak Recipes-- Steaks is a pretty basic food to cook, but can go horribly wrong if not done right.  Here are 3,008 recipes for beef steak to choose from, ranging from the basic to the complex.  Here is a guide to how to choose a good steak and a guide to choosing the best cut of steak for various recipes.  Or if your skills in the kitchen are lacking, you can always take him out for a steak though it is much harder for you to serve it to him naked. 

Alternatives for Non-Beef Eaters-- The name of the holiday just says "steak", but not what KIND of steak. If your man doesn't eat beef, here are some alternatives that are still with the spirit of the holiday:

• Fish steaks -- Fish steaks are cut perpendicular to the backbone, as a opposed to fillets which are cut parallel to it. Salmon, swordfish, halibut, turbot, tuna, shark, sturgeon, and mahi mahi all make for good steaks.  Here are some fish steak recipes for your non-bovine eating man.

• Vegetarian "steaks"-- Thanks to advances in food science (or magic), there are a wide assortment of vegetarian "meats" including the vegetarian steak. Or you can grill him up a portobello mushroom which is considered the "steak of the mushroom world". 

BJ Tips and Tricks -- Um, yea..... not gonna put myself out there and give away my personal secrets.  I will say though that the key to a good BJ is effort and enthusiasm and no teeth.  If you approach it like a chore, it will be received as a chore.  Ladies, it's not that bad, and if you are over the age of 23 still turning your nose up and saying "eww, I'd never"..... shame on you.  Grow up, put on your big girl panties and handle your business (before someone else does for you).  However, if your oral advocacy skills aren't quite up to par (or just need a refresher course), Sunny Crittenden's BJs 101 is a pretty good primer.

SBJ Day Cards-- not really necessary (since the name is not SBJC Day) but may be a nice touch, something to send to him early in the day in anticipation of what to come later (no pun intended, but feel free to use it).  Remember, the most important sexual organ is between the ears.  And the verses on the cards are actually kinda funny.

So there it is.  No sense in feigning ignorance now.... you know what you need to do.  So ladies, get your marinades and your lip gloss ready and show your man just how much you care.

Divorcees..... damaged goods?

We have all met this person, or are related to this person, or have heard of this person..... the (wo)man who has been married and divorced 4 times, can't manage to stay in a marriage for more than 3 years, are ready to jump the broom again before the ink is even dry on the previous divorce decree; the serial spouse.  I think we can all agree that, more likely than not, he or she is doing something wrong when it comes to the state of holy matrimony.

But what about people like me?  People who may have just not married the right person that first time around for whatever reason.  Is there an automatic assumption about people in that situation that they must not be marriage material, that the failure of their marriage is proof of their lack of spouse potential?  Are we, in fact, damaged goods?

I (think) I had a conversation about this at an engagement party a few weeks ago (there was a lot of sangria involved, so details are fuzzy).  The conversation started out discussing the appropriate age for marriage-- young vs. older-- but as a divorcee over the age of 30, I had to put my two cents in regarding those of us who have already been down the aisle (and back) once.  Not only did I advocate that you should wait til after the age of 25 to do anything permanent (marriage, kids, tattoos) I also state the case that a divorce is not necessarily the mark of failure, but the mark of experience.  Sometimes knowing what doesn't work is just as important as knowing what does.  It's like learning to drive.... you may know the basics of gas, brake, turn signal, slow down on curves, but you may not know how to get yourself out of a snow bank unless you've actually run into, and had to get out of, one.  I know that simply pushing down the gas pedal doesn't work. I've learned from experience (and a little advice from mom, i.e. an experienced snow driver) that rocking the car back and forth in forward and reverse does..... but only AFTER I drove into said snow bank.

I have spent the last 2 years doing a lot of self reflection (mostly on this blog) to figure out what went wrong, how might I have reacted better to problems, and what can I do better in the future.  I see little utility in playing the blame game and thinking up all the reasons why your ex is to blame for all the evils in the world the demise of your relationship. Since the only person you can change and control is yourself, it is best to focus on the things that YOU can change about YOU, because in most divorces where the cause was "irreconcilable differences" both parties played a part in its undoing to some extent.  His or her admission of fault or change does nothing for your future relationships.

For example.... I am a rug sweeper.  Instead of addressing issues as they arose, I would always back down and sweep the issue under the rug instead of saying my piece, just to keep peace.  This then led to an unhealthy level of distraction seeking, which, again, instead of facing the issue, I found ways to distract myself from thinking about them.  I'm sure there are many others (which I've recounted elsewhere in this blog on many occasions), but you get the idea.  Now I make a conscious effort not to sweep so much under the rug (though I also know that not every issue is worth going to the mat on) and try and express myself more so I don't wind up in the same mess I was in before repeating the same mistakes.

I'd like to think of myself as being battle tested, and though I've had a few casualties, I think I've come away with some valuable lessons for the future. I know that every little (or big) fight isn't the end of the world, that you should have some "untouchable" subject matters and rules for fighting because you will HAVE to see this MF later that night and the next day, that every day isn't roses and earth shattering orgasms candle light dinners, that you may have days (or even weeks) where you just don't LIKE the other person, but that doesn't mean that the love isn't there and it's time to ditch the relationship.

I think many single people are afraid of marriage because it is harder to jump ship at any sign of trouble.  At least with someone who has been married before you know that they at least abandoned that fear once and they know how painful it is to get out.  Personally, I never want to go through that ever again.... been there, done that, don't want another t-shirt.  So the next time I get married, I'm going to do everything I can so I don't have to.

So for all my fellow divorcee's out there, don't get down on yourselves as you head back out into the dating world.  And to anyone out there who may meet a divorcee, don't automatically assume that he or she must not know how marriage works.  Most of us know exactly how it works..... AND how it doesn't.