Adventures in Divorce

I always wondered why people who murdered their spouses didn't just get a divorce.... I now understand why

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Location: Nap Town, Indie-anne-ahhhhhh!, United States

No, I'm not a prophetess. Cassandra, according to Greek mythology, spurned the advances of the Greek god Apollo and her gift of prophecy was cursed so that her predictions would never be believed. Such is my life. I tend not to think like most people, which is a gift... but also a curse. So step into my mind, take off your shoes and stay for awhile... you're always welcome, loved ones.

March 16, 2010

You're staying with WHO??

As I've previously mentioned, I'm dating a man who has a child (I called it "Brady Bunch Dating").  Dating by itself is tricky, but dating when you have kids presents it's own set of unique issues.  We've been over the weekend coordination hurdle trying to get our visitation weekends on the same schedules so we didn't always have a kid (or 2) around every weekend.  We've done the group vacation thing involving last minute negotiations with a baby momma who threatened the week before the trip to punish his son for doing something relatively minor by not allowing him to go with us.  We've listened to each other's tales of woe and frustration dealing with our respective other parents.  Overall it works pretty well, but it has its challenges.
 
Recently I have been faced with a challenge that has tested my ability to focus on priorities over feelings.  Back in December my beau's son's mother had another baby (no not his, thank the Most High) so she was unable to make the 3 hour round trip to their meeting spot on his visitation weekends with a baby in the car.  Whereas many fathers would just say eff it and take the loss on the visitation time, he decided to be the bigger person and instead drive the entire three hour each way trip to where his son lives and just stay the weekend in that city.  Okay, yes I miss him while he's gone, but it's not as bad because I have my own kids on the same weekend (after a year long battle).  But the problem is his accommodations while he's there.  Hotels twice a month would be a ridiculous expense on top of what he was paying for gas.  Originally he was supposed to be staying with a cousin or a fraternity brother, but they all flaked out on him.  The only other person who offered to help was a friend..... a female friend. 
 
Now, from a logical, rational standpoint I said to myself that I was quite sure he was being truthful when he said that she really is, and always has been, just a friend. (No Biz Markey)  But you ladies (and I'm sure guys too) know that feeling.... that icky stomach feeling.... that uncomfortable I-just-don't-like-it feeling?  I think it's called..... um, let me see...... jealousy/insecurity/possessiveness/take-two-steps-back-away-from-my-toes-ness.  It's a natural emotional reaction.  However, where the road forks is when you decide what you are going to do in response to those feelings. 
 
My choice was to put on my big girl panties and not say a damn thing.
 
I know most women would be like "Aw. Hell. To the. Naw." The issue actually was brought up by his son's mother who didn't understand how I could possibly let it happen (to which he responded "And that's why you're not my girl.")  For most women, the thought of their man going every other weekend to stay at some chick's house with his son when you don't know her, never met her, don't know what her angle is or intentions are, is a little too much for most women to bear.  And I'm a woman too so I'm not above those feelings myself.  What I am above, however, is doing anything to interfere with or complicate his time with his child.  Fathers have enough stress to deal with trying to be the best parent they can be given the limited time they have with their kids.  I can't stand when girlfriends/new wives come in and make things even MORE complicated because of how a situation makes them feel.  Guess what, sweetheart?  It's not about you.  You, unfortunately, don't come first, and you never will.  
 
So though I really don't like it and wish it were different, I've shoved those feelings down into the sub-basement, kept my thoughts to myself, and stepped out on faith a little. I really admire and respect everything he puts up with and overcomes to be a good father, so who am I to make things even more difficult.  It did make me feel good the other day when he let me know he actually noticed and thanked me for it, and asked me how I felt about it.  Because even though there's nothing to be done about it, I appreciated being able to get my feelings out. 
 
I'm not saying you have to blindly go along with any story your man or woman throws at you using their child as an alibi, which isn't cool either (but happens).  Just don't over complicate an already tough and complicated situations by always demanding that your feelings come first.  You may win the battle in the short term, but in the end nothing good comes of pitting your man against his child.  Not his child's mother... his child, because that's who ultimately gets affected.

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3 Comments:

Blogger V said...

I don't have kids, but when I met my husband he was freshly divorced with 2 (oh the drama). You handled this the right way. I've learned that when dealing with kids/divorce/fathers trying to parent - big girl panties are the best way to deal.

Love you blog! - V
www.ourhealthmovement.blogspot.com

March 16, 2010 at 5:22 PM  
Blogger Ms. Camile said...

Awesome advice! I just put on my Facebook status that it is better to just be quiet sometimes. Well thank you for awesome big girl pill advice!

March 29, 2010 at 10:19 PM  
Anonymous Donnie Nicole said...

I can totally relate to this as a woman who lives with a man who has two children and it is difficult. Not only that, the nature of my man's job puts him in close contact with questionable female characters. Thank you for sharing this! Let's have one big collective big girl *sigh*.

April 21, 2010 at 3:40 PM  

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Adventures in Divorce: You're staying with WHO??

You're staying with WHO??

As I've previously mentioned, I'm dating a man who has a child (I called it "Brady Bunch Dating").  Dating by itself is tricky, but dating when you have kids presents it's own set of unique issues.  We've been over the weekend coordination hurdle trying to get our visitation weekends on the same schedules so we didn't always have a kid (or 2) around every weekend.  We've done the group vacation thing involving last minute negotiations with a baby momma who threatened the week before the trip to punish his son for doing something relatively minor by not allowing him to go with us.  We've listened to each other's tales of woe and frustration dealing with our respective other parents.  Overall it works pretty well, but it has its challenges.
 
Recently I have been faced with a challenge that has tested my ability to focus on priorities over feelings.  Back in December my beau's son's mother had another baby (no not his, thank the Most High) so she was unable to make the 3 hour round trip to their meeting spot on his visitation weekends with a baby in the car.  Whereas many fathers would just say eff it and take the loss on the visitation time, he decided to be the bigger person and instead drive the entire three hour each way trip to where his son lives and just stay the weekend in that city.  Okay, yes I miss him while he's gone, but it's not as bad because I have my own kids on the same weekend (after a year long battle).  But the problem is his accommodations while he's there.  Hotels twice a month would be a ridiculous expense on top of what he was paying for gas.  Originally he was supposed to be staying with a cousin or a fraternity brother, but they all flaked out on him.  The only other person who offered to help was a friend..... a female friend. 
 
Now, from a logical, rational standpoint I said to myself that I was quite sure he was being truthful when he said that she really is, and always has been, just a friend. (No Biz Markey)  But you ladies (and I'm sure guys too) know that feeling.... that icky stomach feeling.... that uncomfortable I-just-don't-like-it feeling?  I think it's called..... um, let me see...... jealousy/insecurity/possessiveness/take-two-steps-back-away-from-my-toes-ness.  It's a natural emotional reaction.  However, where the road forks is when you decide what you are going to do in response to those feelings. 
 
My choice was to put on my big girl panties and not say a damn thing.
 
I know most women would be like "Aw. Hell. To the. Naw." The issue actually was brought up by his son's mother who didn't understand how I could possibly let it happen (to which he responded "And that's why you're not my girl.")  For most women, the thought of their man going every other weekend to stay at some chick's house with his son when you don't know her, never met her, don't know what her angle is or intentions are, is a little too much for most women to bear.  And I'm a woman too so I'm not above those feelings myself.  What I am above, however, is doing anything to interfere with or complicate his time with his child.  Fathers have enough stress to deal with trying to be the best parent they can be given the limited time they have with their kids.  I can't stand when girlfriends/new wives come in and make things even MORE complicated because of how a situation makes them feel.  Guess what, sweetheart?  It's not about you.  You, unfortunately, don't come first, and you never will.  
 
So though I really don't like it and wish it were different, I've shoved those feelings down into the sub-basement, kept my thoughts to myself, and stepped out on faith a little. I really admire and respect everything he puts up with and overcomes to be a good father, so who am I to make things even more difficult.  It did make me feel good the other day when he let me know he actually noticed and thanked me for it, and asked me how I felt about it.  Because even though there's nothing to be done about it, I appreciated being able to get my feelings out. 
 
I'm not saying you have to blindly go along with any story your man or woman throws at you using their child as an alibi, which isn't cool either (but happens).  Just don't over complicate an already tough and complicated situations by always demanding that your feelings come first.  You may win the battle in the short term, but in the end nothing good comes of pitting your man against his child.  Not his child's mother... his child, because that's who ultimately gets affected.

Labels: , ,