Adventures in Divorce

I always wondered why people who murdered their spouses didn't just get a divorce.... I now understand why

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Location: Nap Town, Indie-anne-ahhhhhh!, United States

No, I'm not a prophetess. Cassandra, according to Greek mythology, spurned the advances of the Greek god Apollo and her gift of prophecy was cursed so that her predictions would never be believed. Such is my life. I tend not to think like most people, which is a gift... but also a curse. So step into my mind, take off your shoes and stay for awhile... you're always welcome, loved ones.

January 12, 2009

You Don't Want the Cool Chick, Part I: The FUBAR Theory

One of my biggest frustrations in my observations of (and experiences in) the dating and relationship world is this: people who like one thing, but end up with the opposite. Or, as I frequently summarize it in my rants to friends and any man who laments about how his girl is lame..... guys say they want the cool chick, but in reality they don't. They want that same whiny, naggy, high maintenance chick that they've been bitching and moaning about for all their dating lives. So my question is merely this..... why???

Let's be real here... as a self professed "cool chick" I know that I can be a bit hard to handle at times. The Ex used to say that the same qualities he loved about me were the same ones he hated about me. Being laid back and free spirited can come off as don'tgiveafuckedness, not tripping on your guy for wanting to hang out with his boys can be perceived as having ulterior (and nefarious) motives, and let's just face it..... some men are just downright insecure. And it's foreign, not what guys are used to, so even though they SAY they want a chick who can watch football, drink a beer, have mean oral advocacy skills and isn't a clingy hosebeast needy, at the end of the day we're the ones sitting having a beer with you listening to you complain about your sports hating, Fuji bottled water drinking, "you want me to put that WHERE??" chick.

Anywho, with that bit of background out the way, I've been threatening to saying I was going to write about this for awhile.... but I really don't have an answer. I'm really hoping my loved ones in the blogosphere can help me out with this one. But still, I have my theories, so this will be Part I in an indefinitely numbered series of "You Don't Want the Cool Chick", and my first theory is.........

The FUBAR Theory

So the other day a friend of mine hit me up on Facebook chat to say hi. He used to be madly obsessed with date one of my close friends, but he married someone else not too long after their split. I asked him how married life is treating him, and he responded with mixed reviews and said he missed doing fun things. To which I replied that he should be able to do those things with his wife, right? I guess not so much. From what it seems, he went and married the polar opposite of my friend.

Then there's my Ex.... he went and got himself a chick that couldn't be any more different from me if she tried. Appearance wise, personality wise, interest wise, sex appeal wise, age wise, everything. He got with her a few months before our divorce was finalized and fully moved in shortly thereafter. Keep in mind, loved ones.... I'm the one that wanted and filed for divorce. You would think I would be the one wookin' pa nub in all the wrong places.

I've seen these scenarios play out time and time again (because my friends tend to be a bit, um, "colorful").....boy meets cool chick, boy falls in love with cool chick, boy gets obsessively crazy about cool chick, boy loses his mind over cool chick, cool chick is like "WTF?", boy and cool chick break up, boy goes and gets the furthest thing from cool chick he can find and wifes her. The end. Or not really.... boy goes and cheats on furthest thing from cool chick because he misses all the things he used to do with cool chick (sexual and non-sexual). And that, loved ones, is what I call getting FUBAR'd.

I'll be nice and give you the definition:

FUBAR is an acronym that commonly means "Fucked Up Beyond All Repair" (used to describe the state of some equipment) or "Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition" (used to describe a situation or scenario), which now exists in many variations. Although it originated in the US Armed Forces, its usage has spread to civilian environments.
(thanks Wikipedia!)

In other words, folks get shell shocked. I think some guys are so traumatized by a failed relationship with a cool chick that they really, really like(d) that their response is to run as far away from it as possible..... the most extreme form of the rebound. Not only is that person trying to fill a void, but they are also trying to neutralize the effects their ex had on their heart and psyche. They had acid.... they go get a base. Sugar..... salt. Adventurous..... conservative. Free-spirit..... stick in the mud. I think people associate the qualities their ex had with the negative outcome of the relationship. And THAT, loved ones, is where folks go wrong.

The fact remains that you like what you like.... at the end of the day those qualities that made you fall insanely in love with your ex are still what you are attracted to. But when you've been FUBAR'd, you convince yourself otherwise.... that you hated all those qualities, you hate your ex, and you vow to "get it right" this time. And just to clarify here.... I'm not talking about bad qualities, like always falling for the girl who treats you like crap. I'm talking about things like if you liked pony play creative sex with your ex and your new chick will only do missionary..... that's a problem. If you liked to road trip and travel with your ex and your new girl has never left the state.... that's a problem. If you like to get out and socialize and your chick is an agoraphobic homebody..... that, loved ones, is a problem. Because no matter how horrible you think your ex is and everything associated with her, and no matter how much you think you can convince yourself that you can learn to live without certain qualities in a person, eventually the facade all falls down. And then we all know what happens.... I'll give you a hint, it starts with a C.

Let me just put the disclaimer in (for myself) that just because you go get the opposite of your ex does NOT mean you've been FUBAR'd. If you are the dumper, and not the dumpee, well it's obvious that you weren't happy with what you had and were looking for something different. That is a legitimate change up and all a part of finding your perfect match. However, even in those scenarios I think it is possible to get carried away and go to extremes when you are unable to separate the qualities that you did like about a person from those that you didn't.

And that, my damies, I think is the key. Take time to really take personal inventory and really think about what qualities you did like in your exes. Don't just stamp a big label of HATE across everything associated with the person. For example, my Ex is outgoing and talkative, and I like that in a guy.... but I also like guys who have ambition and can finish something, and who use lotion more than once a month care about their appearance. But it takes TIME to do this.... time to let the emotions die down so you can see things more clearly.

So... if you find yourself in the wake of a WTFJH* break-up, be really, really careful what you start wishing for, because you just might get it. Don't get FUBAR'd.

*What the fuck just happened???

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3 Comments:

Anonymous Progressivexcellence said...

elightening. love how u drop knowledge.

January 12, 2009 at 10:25 PM  
Anonymous QT said...

This is right on point.

January 14, 2009 at 8:19 AM  
Anonymous Sír Andrƹ said...

I think its pretty natural response. Don't want to be hurt again

January 19, 2009 at 7:39 PM  

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Adventures in Divorce: You Don't Want the Cool Chick, Part I: The FUBAR Theory

You Don't Want the Cool Chick, Part I: The FUBAR Theory

One of my biggest frustrations in my observations of (and experiences in) the dating and relationship world is this: people who like one thing, but end up with the opposite. Or, as I frequently summarize it in my rants to friends and any man who laments about how his girl is lame..... guys say they want the cool chick, but in reality they don't. They want that same whiny, naggy, high maintenance chick that they've been bitching and moaning about for all their dating lives. So my question is merely this..... why???

Let's be real here... as a self professed "cool chick" I know that I can be a bit hard to handle at times. The Ex used to say that the same qualities he loved about me were the same ones he hated about me. Being laid back and free spirited can come off as don'tgiveafuckedness, not tripping on your guy for wanting to hang out with his boys can be perceived as having ulterior (and nefarious) motives, and let's just face it..... some men are just downright insecure. And it's foreign, not what guys are used to, so even though they SAY they want a chick who can watch football, drink a beer, have mean oral advocacy skills and isn't a clingy hosebeast needy, at the end of the day we're the ones sitting having a beer with you listening to you complain about your sports hating, Fuji bottled water drinking, "you want me to put that WHERE??" chick.

Anywho, with that bit of background out the way, I've been threatening to saying I was going to write about this for awhile.... but I really don't have an answer. I'm really hoping my loved ones in the blogosphere can help me out with this one. But still, I have my theories, so this will be Part I in an indefinitely numbered series of "You Don't Want the Cool Chick", and my first theory is.........

The FUBAR Theory

So the other day a friend of mine hit me up on Facebook chat to say hi. He used to be madly obsessed with date one of my close friends, but he married someone else not too long after their split. I asked him how married life is treating him, and he responded with mixed reviews and said he missed doing fun things. To which I replied that he should be able to do those things with his wife, right? I guess not so much. From what it seems, he went and married the polar opposite of my friend.

Then there's my Ex.... he went and got himself a chick that couldn't be any more different from me if she tried. Appearance wise, personality wise, interest wise, sex appeal wise, age wise, everything. He got with her a few months before our divorce was finalized and fully moved in shortly thereafter. Keep in mind, loved ones.... I'm the one that wanted and filed for divorce. You would think I would be the one wookin' pa nub in all the wrong places.

I've seen these scenarios play out time and time again (because my friends tend to be a bit, um, "colorful").....boy meets cool chick, boy falls in love with cool chick, boy gets obsessively crazy about cool chick, boy loses his mind over cool chick, cool chick is like "WTF?", boy and cool chick break up, boy goes and gets the furthest thing from cool chick he can find and wifes her. The end. Or not really.... boy goes and cheats on furthest thing from cool chick because he misses all the things he used to do with cool chick (sexual and non-sexual). And that, loved ones, is what I call getting FUBAR'd.

I'll be nice and give you the definition:

FUBAR is an acronym that commonly means "Fucked Up Beyond All Repair" (used to describe the state of some equipment) or "Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition" (used to describe a situation or scenario), which now exists in many variations. Although it originated in the US Armed Forces, its usage has spread to civilian environments.
(thanks Wikipedia!)

In other words, folks get shell shocked. I think some guys are so traumatized by a failed relationship with a cool chick that they really, really like(d) that their response is to run as far away from it as possible..... the most extreme form of the rebound. Not only is that person trying to fill a void, but they are also trying to neutralize the effects their ex had on their heart and psyche. They had acid.... they go get a base. Sugar..... salt. Adventurous..... conservative. Free-spirit..... stick in the mud. I think people associate the qualities their ex had with the negative outcome of the relationship. And THAT, loved ones, is where folks go wrong.

The fact remains that you like what you like.... at the end of the day those qualities that made you fall insanely in love with your ex are still what you are attracted to. But when you've been FUBAR'd, you convince yourself otherwise.... that you hated all those qualities, you hate your ex, and you vow to "get it right" this time. And just to clarify here.... I'm not talking about bad qualities, like always falling for the girl who treats you like crap. I'm talking about things like if you liked pony play creative sex with your ex and your new chick will only do missionary..... that's a problem. If you liked to road trip and travel with your ex and your new girl has never left the state.... that's a problem. If you like to get out and socialize and your chick is an agoraphobic homebody..... that, loved ones, is a problem. Because no matter how horrible you think your ex is and everything associated with her, and no matter how much you think you can convince yourself that you can learn to live without certain qualities in a person, eventually the facade all falls down. And then we all know what happens.... I'll give you a hint, it starts with a C.

Let me just put the disclaimer in (for myself) that just because you go get the opposite of your ex does NOT mean you've been FUBAR'd. If you are the dumper, and not the dumpee, well it's obvious that you weren't happy with what you had and were looking for something different. That is a legitimate change up and all a part of finding your perfect match. However, even in those scenarios I think it is possible to get carried away and go to extremes when you are unable to separate the qualities that you did like about a person from those that you didn't.

And that, my damies, I think is the key. Take time to really take personal inventory and really think about what qualities you did like in your exes. Don't just stamp a big label of HATE across everything associated with the person. For example, my Ex is outgoing and talkative, and I like that in a guy.... but I also like guys who have ambition and can finish something, and who use lotion more than once a month care about their appearance. But it takes TIME to do this.... time to let the emotions die down so you can see things more clearly.

So... if you find yourself in the wake of a WTFJH* break-up, be really, really careful what you start wishing for, because you just might get it. Don't get FUBAR'd.

*What the fuck just happened???

Labels: , , ,