Adventures in Divorce

I always wondered why people who murdered their spouses didn't just get a divorce.... I now understand why

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Location: Nap Town, Indie-anne-ahhhhhh!, United States

No, I'm not a prophetess. Cassandra, according to Greek mythology, spurned the advances of the Greek god Apollo and her gift of prophecy was cursed so that her predictions would never be believed. Such is my life. I tend not to think like most people, which is a gift... but also a curse. So step into my mind, take off your shoes and stay for awhile... you're always welcome, loved ones.

January 5, 2009

Demand More (Emotional Baggage Monday)

I'm just feeling so overwhelmed right now with so much on my mind that I can't even make myself sit down to write it all out. As it is, right now I'm lying in my bed on the crackberry, just trying to siphon off some of the excess so I can go to sleep (please excuse the typos and random unfocusedness of it all...this is real time, stream of consciousness, loved ones).

I tried to sit down and write about finally starting my new job, but it was flowing out like cold oatmeal...just kinda lumpy and sticky and gross (yes, words can be sticky). I will just say that Day 1 did NOT go well. I cried. In FRONT of my new boss. It was so bad that the managing partner called me Sunday afternoon to make sure I was coming back on Monday.

(Sidenote: Why am I like really irrationally pissed off right now? I don't like it.)

I felt like I'd been dropped head first into shark infested waters and realized that although I'd come from the big town pool, they'd only let me splash around in the shallow end. I was effing terrified. And when my boss pointed out to me that I looked shell shocked, I lost it. Dammitdammitdammit.

More details about that later (maybe). I've used the analogy before about feeling like a zoo raised animal when it comes to dating....well, its the same thing in my professional life. And I'm sad and hurt and angered about it. I've come to realize now more than ever truly how much of a token hire I was at my old job....there to "check the box" as my new boss says. They took my talents and squandered them, and took my self confidence in the process to make me feel just the way they treated me....like I was lucky that they gave me this mirage of an opportunity and that I there must have been something wrong with ME as to why, even though my credentials were much stronger, my peers were getting the better experiences and work. I was a cheeta on a treadmill...look how fast that cheeta trots!

So what does this have to do with adventures in divorce? Everything. The same way I felt about my old job is the same way I felt about my relationship. He made me feel stupid, and like I was lucky that he "stepped up" to do the bare minimum to meet my needs. Between my job and my Ex, I felt very small and marginalized....unworthy of being able to step up and ask for what I wanted, and what I needed.

(Ok, back from taking out the stupid dog. *snuggles back into nice comfy bed*)

But now things, they are a-changing. I'm starting to fully appreciate that yes, I deserve more, and yes, I'm justified in expecting more. But old habit die hard, and change for the better is still change. And change is hard. On the surface I do believe what people keep telling me....that I've got "It". But deep down at the core, when I'm lying alone in the dark, coming down off my slight tipsiness from the 2 beers I had with my boss in the office, I don't feel like that. I feel overwhelmed. And scared. Scared that I won't live up to the hype....even though I know it's not hype because all this is earned the hard way.

I'll just be glad when I can shed some of this self-doubt and fear and anxiety and truly be able to embrace myself and all I have to offer to the world. And to myself. Over the past year and a half I asked God to put me where I am supposed to be. Now it's my job to take that and make the most of it.

Namaste, loved ones. Goodnight.

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5 Comments:

Anonymous QT said...

Can't remember how I found your blog, but oh, have I felt this exact same way! And for me, the "irrationally pissed off" feeling can sometimes come from PMS. Which might also explain the crying. Anyway, from one divorce veteran to another, it takes time, but it does get better. You are in my thoughts~

January 6, 2009 at 1:13 PM  
Anonymous Anesidora said...

That's the thing... I KNOW it's not PMS. This is pure, unadulterated fear and anxiety and overwhelmed-ness. :(

January 6, 2009 at 1:47 PM  
Anonymous KPrice said...

I can totally relate! The minority marketing firm that I worked for, for several years, was super instrumental in building my confidence, mentoring me and encouraging me to realize my potential and then make the most of it. Maybe the new law firm that you work for will do the same for you.

We all have our weak moments; those moments of self-doubt that turn into paralyzing fear, but the key is to not let it get to you. Below is one of my absolute favorite quotes that has definitely helped me during those moments.

"The moment you decide to stare the giants (in your case, fear and self-doubt) of your life right in the eye and then decide they will no longer have dominion over you, is when God will reveal to you who you truly are and what your purpose is."

Basically, those weak moments are God's way of molding you, building your character, making you stronger and preparing you for greater purpose in life.

Good luck on your new job!

Happy New Year!!

January 6, 2009 at 3:05 PM  
Anonymous thecomebackgirl said...

(Sidenote: Why am I like really irrationally pissed off right now? I don't like it.)

this happened to me yesterday too...i think something was in the water, cosmos something...

January 6, 2009 at 3:19 PM  
Anonymous Jaded said...

I obviously dont have any good advice...hell this probably isnt even relevant but just know that you were hired at this job because your capable. The economy is too weak, and there are too many willing job seekers to just hire any ol' body.

Beat those self doubts down because seriously, if you weren't capable you wouldn't be there. (plus, after being outta work- after a V. eventful year- being shell shocked is not surprsing).

January 7, 2009 at 12:42 AM  

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Adventures in Divorce: Demand More (Emotional Baggage Monday)

Demand More (Emotional Baggage Monday)

I'm just feeling so overwhelmed right now with so much on my mind that I can't even make myself sit down to write it all out. As it is, right now I'm lying in my bed on the crackberry, just trying to siphon off some of the excess so I can go to sleep (please excuse the typos and random unfocusedness of it all...this is real time, stream of consciousness, loved ones).

I tried to sit down and write about finally starting my new job, but it was flowing out like cold oatmeal...just kinda lumpy and sticky and gross (yes, words can be sticky). I will just say that Day 1 did NOT go well. I cried. In FRONT of my new boss. It was so bad that the managing partner called me Sunday afternoon to make sure I was coming back on Monday.

(Sidenote: Why am I like really irrationally pissed off right now? I don't like it.)

I felt like I'd been dropped head first into shark infested waters and realized that although I'd come from the big town pool, they'd only let me splash around in the shallow end. I was effing terrified. And when my boss pointed out to me that I looked shell shocked, I lost it. Dammitdammitdammit.

More details about that later (maybe). I've used the analogy before about feeling like a zoo raised animal when it comes to dating....well, its the same thing in my professional life. And I'm sad and hurt and angered about it. I've come to realize now more than ever truly how much of a token hire I was at my old job....there to "check the box" as my new boss says. They took my talents and squandered them, and took my self confidence in the process to make me feel just the way they treated me....like I was lucky that they gave me this mirage of an opportunity and that I there must have been something wrong with ME as to why, even though my credentials were much stronger, my peers were getting the better experiences and work. I was a cheeta on a treadmill...look how fast that cheeta trots!

So what does this have to do with adventures in divorce? Everything. The same way I felt about my old job is the same way I felt about my relationship. He made me feel stupid, and like I was lucky that he "stepped up" to do the bare minimum to meet my needs. Between my job and my Ex, I felt very small and marginalized....unworthy of being able to step up and ask for what I wanted, and what I needed.

(Ok, back from taking out the stupid dog. *snuggles back into nice comfy bed*)

But now things, they are a-changing. I'm starting to fully appreciate that yes, I deserve more, and yes, I'm justified in expecting more. But old habit die hard, and change for the better is still change. And change is hard. On the surface I do believe what people keep telling me....that I've got "It". But deep down at the core, when I'm lying alone in the dark, coming down off my slight tipsiness from the 2 beers I had with my boss in the office, I don't feel like that. I feel overwhelmed. And scared. Scared that I won't live up to the hype....even though I know it's not hype because all this is earned the hard way.

I'll just be glad when I can shed some of this self-doubt and fear and anxiety and truly be able to embrace myself and all I have to offer to the world. And to myself. Over the past year and a half I asked God to put me where I am supposed to be. Now it's my job to take that and make the most of it.

Namaste, loved ones. Goodnight.

Labels: , , ,