"And meet a new lover, and he'll call you Gail...."

Today I am taking a break from my personal BS featuring a guest "blogger" (she doesn't really blog, but whatever) who wrote a break-up song about a guy she was dating that I found highly amusing, so I asked if I could share it with my loved ones in the blogosphere. She wrote 2 versions, an original and the "remix" (the first is a ballad, the second has more of a punk rock feel.... not that we have actual music for it, but you get the idea). It's funny how 2 people can see a situation in 2 completely different ways..... it's even funnier when 1 person does it.

My friends are special.

So without further adieu, I present "Good-Bye My Lover":

We met on a rainy Sunday at a pub in Camden Town.
I was with him; you, with your friends – neither seeking to be found.
A storm appeared and you sought me out to be my calm
You charmed me and surprised me and I let my guard down.

An unanticipated affair - soft, easy and affectionate
None too sure if this could go, we took it slow and kept it innocent.
No talks of the future and little of our pasts
Nothing was expected, no demands did we cast.

We were a fluke – a chance meeting that never was supposed to be
I have no right to ask you where you are or what you want me to be
I don't need closure, I have clarity
Thank you for the opportunity
Good-bye my lover...

What we had was special but now it time to say good-bye.
I'll see you in another life at another place in time
But for now let's just say good-bye.

Staring out the window as the sun sets on my suppose-ed loneliness
My mind begins to question
And answers, "I'm not upset"
I never cheated
You never lied
You never stormed out
I never cried
Nothing between us was ever left unsaid
I only harbour fondness of the good times we had
We never fought or made each other feel pain.
There's nothing to long for and no one to blame.

We were an accident – a flame that never was
I will never ask you to be my forever love
No need to ask me for forgiveness and I don't need an apology
Thank you for bringing out the best in me
Good-bye my lover...

What we had was special but now it time to say good-bye.
I'll see you in another life at another place in time
But for now let's just say good-bye.

What we had was enchanting
A brief friendship in time.
No reason to be hurt or shed a tear
I live without wishing you were mine.
And for all you did my lover this song is my one token
Picking up the pieces is impossible because nothing's been broken.

With all my respect and best of intentions
Thank you for the memories.
Good-by my lover...good-bye

And the Remix......

We met on a rainy Sunday at a pub in Camden Town.
I was with him; you, with your friends – neither seeking to be found.
Midway through, he f***ed up and in to me you stepped
Thought you charmed and wowed me but you just made me upset.

You never should have sat down next to me that night
From the look on my face you should have known I was ready to fight.
I didn't like the sound of your voice or the way you looked
Whiny and plain like right from a Jane Austen book.

I swore I'd never call you but you kept calling me
No matter how many times I told you to get the h*ll away from me
I don't want to know you
You'll never be the man I need
Step off m*thaf*****!

Good-bye my lover, Get the f*** out my face, You never should have
been here in the first place. I never meant to meet you and you
haven't changed my life. Good-bye my lover. Good-bye.

Staring out the window as the sun sets
My mind begins to question
And answers, "I'm d*** upset"
You show up at my house
You show up at my job
You send me rubbish flowers
You never shut your gob
You try to earn my respect
This you'll never do
I'd never be seen in public
With the likes of you

Good-bye my lover, Get the f*** out my face, You never should have
been here in the first place. I never meant to meet you and you
haven't changed my life. Good-bye my lover. Good-bye

I wish you'd go kill yourself

You make me so angry
Stop pestering me
I'll never go out with you - keep your apology
Return to your dungeon alone forever you'll be

Step off m*thaf*****!

We'll never have a romance
No, we'll never be friends
I won't feel warm and fuzzy
And this is where it ends.
As for the restraining order - violate and you'll go to jail
And meet a new lover and he'll call you Gail.

Good-bye my lover, Get the f*** out my face, You never should have
been here in the first place. I never meant to meet you and you
haven't changed my life. Good-bye my lover. Good-bye.

Copyright 2009 "Mistress Amber" Ying

Emotional Baggage Sundays: Criminal Edition

Classic.....*Sigh*

Fiona Apple - New Music - More Music Videos

(Too much emotional baggage for today, both old and new. That is all for now, loved ones.)

Let's do business (or not)

Today I finally got my new business cards for my new job, so I am OFFICIAL. *Yay me!* There's no greater feeling (ok, so maybe I can think of a few) than being able to whip out your business card instead of trying to fumble for a piece of paper and pen, or doing the forehead to forehead thing trying to get your number into someone's phone. Business cards are a quick, simple, and efficient way to pass on your contact information.

However, on this new set of business cards I left off my cell number and my work direct dial (the firm is a-ok with that.... they don't believe clients should have unlimited access to you at all times). The reason for this is due to a lesson I learned at my last job by putting my cell number on my cards, and that is this: guys will shamelessly try and holla at you under the guise of wanting to do business.

Here's how it goes down: You're out somewhere at a quasi-business social event (which can be damn near anything) and a guy approaches you. Here's the typical dialogue:

Guy: So what do you do for a living?
Me: I'm an attorney.
Guy: Oh really? I could use a good attorney! (everyone can always use a good attorney, without fail) [Insert optional story about suspended license/baby momma drama/Cousin Pookie in jail]
Me: Ok, well I only do business and corporate law.
Guy: That's great, because I've got this business I'm trying to get off the ground/know someone who wants to invest in my existing business/have a contract I need reviewed.
Me: *trying not to look skeptical* Um, well ok I may be able to help you out with that.
Guy: Do you have a card?
Me: *hesitantly reaches into Bettie Page card case* Sure.
Guy: Thanks! I'll give you a call sometime next week to talk about it.

*3 days later*

Message on Voice Mail: Hey, this is ___________. Remember me from XYZ Spot last Friday? I was wondering if we could get together and I can take you out to dinner sometime and get to know you better......

And that, loved ones, is the Holla Under the Guise of Doing Business (since I like undecipherable acronyms, let's call it HUGDB). It's hard to screen out because you don't want to blow people off who legitimately want to do business with you and you don't want to make assumptions about what a person can and cannot afford, but 95% of the time it's crap. But it's that 5% that you don't want to piss off, because you can pick up clients ANYWHERE (I actually had a client whom I only see when I go out, and we've discussed business right there at the bar).

Guys may see this as a legitimate way to get "in" with a woman, but it irritates the fuck out of me. On some levels it's a slap in the face to my professionalism when guys treat my profession as merely a way to get my number, because they're basically bullshitting me. And I don't like being bullshitted. And I also take it as an insult to my intelligence, which I take kindly to even less.

(This also raises another issue that I won't fully delve into here because I will end up on a tirade, but this highlights the challenges faced by female professionals, especially attractive female professionals. There's a certain level of schmoozing that has to go on to facilitate business relationships, and unfortunately this manifests itself as flirting and coquettishness when it comes to women. Some level of it its necessary and acceptable, but too often it is abused and nothing (i.e. no money changing hands) comes of it. I'm all for taking one for the team, but it has its limits.)

So guys, as tempting and easy as the HUGDB may seem, please don't do it. If your intentions are to ask a woman out, just be up front about that. Don't assume that just because a woman gives you her card it means that she's single and interested... it may just mean that she's a professional who is legitimately trying to network. It will save both of you a lot of time and embarrassment when you call 3 days later and get the blow off because you bullshitted her and are playing with her money (which, as Big Worm said, is like playing with her emotions.... bad business). Also, don't take it a step further and play along like you really want to do business with her (for example, setting up a lunch "meeting") in hopes that she will be just that charmed by you that she will forget the fact that you are bullshitting her. That just makes it worse.

(ok, so I once fell for the "We should do lunch" line that ended in [CENSORED], but we'd already met and talked several times before, and had been feeling each other and had obvious chemistry prior to the HUGDB.... I knew it was BS up front but proceeded for other reasons. But I digress.....)

Just treat me like the professional that I am.... that's all I ask.

You Don't Want the Cool Chick, Part I: The FUBAR Theory

One of my biggest frustrations in my observations of (and experiences in) the dating and relationship world is this: people who like one thing, but end up with the opposite. Or, as I frequently summarize it in my rants to friends and any man who laments about how his girl is lame..... guys say they want the cool chick, but in reality they don't. They want that same whiny, naggy, high maintenance chick that they've been bitching and moaning about for all their dating lives. So my question is merely this..... why???

Let's be real here... as a self professed "cool chick" I know that I can be a bit hard to handle at times. The Ex used to say that the same qualities he loved about me were the same ones he hated about me. Being laid back and free spirited can come off as don'tgiveafuckedness, not tripping on your guy for wanting to hang out with his boys can be perceived as having ulterior (and nefarious) motives, and let's just face it..... some men are just downright insecure. And it's foreign, not what guys are used to, so even though they SAY they want a chick who can watch football, drink a beer, have mean oral advocacy skills and isn't a clingy hosebeast needy, at the end of the day we're the ones sitting having a beer with you listening to you complain about your sports hating, Fuji bottled water drinking, "you want me to put that WHERE??" chick.

Anywho, with that bit of background out the way, I've been threatening to saying I was going to write about this for awhile.... but I really don't have an answer. I'm really hoping my loved ones in the blogosphere can help me out with this one. But still, I have my theories, so this will be Part I in an indefinitely numbered series of "You Don't Want the Cool Chick", and my first theory is.........

The FUBAR Theory

So the other day a friend of mine hit me up on Facebook chat to say hi. He used to be madly obsessed with date one of my close friends, but he married someone else not too long after their split. I asked him how married life is treating him, and he responded with mixed reviews and said he missed doing fun things. To which I replied that he should be able to do those things with his wife, right? I guess not so much. From what it seems, he went and married the polar opposite of my friend.

Then there's my Ex.... he went and got himself a chick that couldn't be any more different from me if she tried. Appearance wise, personality wise, interest wise, sex appeal wise, age wise, everything. He got with her a few months before our divorce was finalized and fully moved in shortly thereafter. Keep in mind, loved ones.... I'm the one that wanted and filed for divorce. You would think I would be the one wookin' pa nub in all the wrong places.

I've seen these scenarios play out time and time again (because my friends tend to be a bit, um, "colorful").....boy meets cool chick, boy falls in love with cool chick, boy gets obsessively crazy about cool chick, boy loses his mind over cool chick, cool chick is like "WTF?", boy and cool chick break up, boy goes and gets the furthest thing from cool chick he can find and wifes her. The end. Or not really.... boy goes and cheats on furthest thing from cool chick because he misses all the things he used to do with cool chick (sexual and non-sexual). And that, loved ones, is what I call getting FUBAR'd.

I'll be nice and give you the definition:

FUBAR is an acronym that commonly means "Fucked Up Beyond All Repair" (used to describe the state of some equipment) or "Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition" (used to describe a situation or scenario), which now exists in many variations. Although it originated in the US Armed Forces, its usage has spread to civilian environments.

(thanks Wikipedia!)

In other words, folks get shell shocked. I think some guys are so traumatized by a failed relationship with a cool chick that they really, really like(d) that their response is to run as far away from it as possible..... the most extreme form of the rebound. Not only is that person trying to fill a void, but they are also trying to neutralize the effects their ex had on their heart and psyche. They had acid.... they go get a base. Sugar..... salt. Adventurous..... conservative. Free-spirit..... stick in the mud. I think people associate the qualities their ex had with the negative outcome of the relationship. And THAT, loved ones, is where folks go wrong.

The fact remains that you like what you like.... at the end of the day those qualities that made you fall insanely in love with your ex are still what you are attracted to. But when you've been FUBAR'd, you convince yourself otherwise.... that you hated all those qualities, you hate your ex, and you vow to "get it right" this time. And just to clarify here.... I'm not talking about bad qualities, like always falling for the girl who treats you like crap. I'm talking about things like if you liked pony play creative sex with your ex and your new chick will only do missionary..... that's a problem. If you liked to road trip and travel with your ex and your new girl has never left the state.... that's a problem. If you like to get out and socialize and your chick is an agoraphobic homebody..... that, loved ones, is a problem. Because no matter how horrible you think your ex is and everything associated with her, and no matter how much you think you can convince yourself that you can learn to live without certain qualities in a person, eventually the facade all falls down. And then we all know what happens.... I'll give you a hint, it starts with a C.

Let me just put the disclaimer in (for myself) that just because you go get the opposite of your ex does NOT mean you've been FUBAR'd. If you are the dumper, and not the dumpee, well it's obvious that you weren't happy with what you had and were looking for something different. That is a legitimate change up and all a part of finding your perfect match. However, even in those scenarios I think it is possible to get carried away and go to extremes when you are unable to separate the qualities that you did like about a person from those that you didn't.

And that, my damies, I think is the key. Take time to really take personal inventory and really think about what qualities you did like in your exes. Don't just stamp a big label of HATE across everything associated with the person. For example, my Ex is outgoing and talkative, and I like that in a guy.... but I also like guys who have ambition and can finish something, and who use lotion more than once a month care about their appearance. But it takes TIME to do this.... time to let the emotions die down so you can see things more clearly.

So... if you find yourself in the wake of a WTFJH* break-up, be really, really careful what you start wishing for, because you just might get it. Don't get FUBAR'd.

*What the fuck just happened???

Demand More (Emotional Baggage Monday)

I'm just feeling so overwhelmed right now with so much on my mind that I can't even make myself sit down to write it all out. As it is, right now I'm lying in my bed on the crackberry, just trying to siphon off some of the excess so I can go to sleep (please excuse the typos and random unfocusedness of it all...this is real time, stream of consciousness, loved ones).

I tried to sit down and write about finally starting my new job, but it was flowing out like cold oatmeal...just kinda lumpy and sticky and gross (yes, words can be sticky). I will just say that Day 1 did NOT go well. I cried. In FRONT of my new boss. It was so bad that the managing partner called me Sunday afternoon to make sure I was coming back on Monday.

(Sidenote: Why am I like really irrationally pissed off right now? I don't like it.)

I felt like I'd been dropped head first into shark infested waters and realized that although I'd come from the big town pool, they'd only let me splash around in the shallow end. I was effing terrified. And when my boss pointed out to me that I looked shell shocked, I lost it. Dammitdammitdammit.

More details about that later (maybe). I've used the analogy before about feeling like a zoo raised animal when it comes to dating....well, its the same thing in my professional life. And I'm sad and hurt and angered about it. I've come to realize now more than ever truly how much of a token hire I was at my old job....there to "check the box" as my new boss says. They took my talents and squandered them, and took my self confidence in the process to make me feel just the way they treated me....like I was lucky that they gave me this mirage of an opportunity and that I there must have been something wrong with ME as to why, even though my credentials were much stronger, my peers were getting the better experiences and work. I was a cheeta on a treadmill...look how fast that cheeta trots!

So what does this have to do with adventures in divorce? Everything. The same way I felt about my old job is the same way I felt about my relationship. He made me feel stupid, and like I was lucky that he "stepped up" to do the bare minimum to meet my needs. Between my job and my Ex, I felt very small and marginalized....unworthy of being able to step up and ask for what I wanted, and what I needed.

(Ok, back from taking out the stupid dog. *snuggles back into nice comfy bed*)

But now things, they are a-changing. I'm starting to fully appreciate that yes, I deserve more, and yes, I'm justified in expecting more. But old habit die hard, and change for the better is still change. And change is hard. On the surface I do believe what people keep telling me....that I've got "It". But deep down at the core, when I'm lying alone in the dark, coming down off my slight tipsiness from the 2 beers I had with my boss in the office, I don't feel like that. I feel overwhelmed. And scared. Scared that I won't live up to the hype....even though I know it's not hype because all this is earned the hard way.

I'll just be glad when I can shed some of this self-doubt and fear and anxiety and truly be able to embrace myself and all I have to offer to the world. And to myself. Over the past year and a half I asked God to put me where I am supposed to be. Now it's my job to take that and make the most of it.

Namaste, loved ones. Goodnight.

"Only got 4 minutes to save the world......"

Ok, I have a few minutes to write this before I'm off to start the first day of the next chapter of my life. Yes, today my new job starts officially. Tuesday I went up to the office thinking I was just going to finally meet with my direct boss face to face..... I walked out of there with a stack of background documents and instructions to have a letter written to a client by 11am the next day. (and of course, I got it done) I'm going from a firm of 250+ attorneys to less than 10. And I'm freaking terrified. But at the same time very excited. But moreso freaking terrified.

Exactly a year ago I walked out of my old life at The Big Firm to.... nothing. No prospects, no clue what I was going to do. And The Big Firm was my life.... it was my identity. In 2008, I stepped away from everything I knew that defined who I was.... my job, my marriage, my home, everything. But you know, the great thing about it is that now I can start over and define who I want to be NOW.

My new boss told me "Just be yourself, and the clients will love it." *pause* *shrug* Ok. We'll see if they're ready for all that. I certainly hope they mean it.

I'll let you know how it all goes, loved ones......